copyright © 2007 by marline e. pearson. all rights reserved. lesson 9 a foundation for good...

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

Lesson 9

A Foundation for Good Communication


How do you communicate?

It is important to understand how your communication style is

interpreted by others to avoid miscommunication and

misunderstandings.

Use the following checklists to assess your communication style!


Aggressive Communication

You choose and make decisions for others. You are brutally honest. You are direct and forceful. You are self enhancing and derogatory. You’ll participate in a win-lose situation only if you’ll win. You demand your own way. You feel righteous, superior, controlling – later possibly

feeling guilt. Others feel humiliated, defensive, resentful and hurt

around you. Others view you in the exchange as angry, vengeful,

distrustful and fearful. The outcome is usually that your goal is achieved at the

expense of others. Your rights are upheld but others are violated.

Your underlying belief system is that you have to put others down to protect yourself.


Passive Communication You allow others to choose and make decisions for you. You are emotionally dishonest. You are indirect and self denying. You are inhibited. If you get your own way, it is by chance. You feel anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, angry

at yourself and/or others. Others feel guilty or superior and frustrated with you. Others view you in the exchange as a pushover and

that you don’t know what you want or how you stand on an issue.

The outcome is that others achieve their goals at your expense. Your rights are violated.

Your underlying belief is that you should never make someone uncomfortable or displeased except yourself.


Passive-Aggressive Communication

You manipulate others to choose your way. You appear honest but underlying comments confuse. You tend towards indirectness with the air of being direct. You are self-enhancing but not straight forward about it. In win-lose situations you will make the opponent look bad or

manipulate it so you win. If you don’t get your way you’ll make snide comments or pout and

be the victim. You feel confused, unclear on how to feel, you’re angry but not sure

why. Later you possibly feel guilty. Others feel confused, frustrated, not sure who you are or what you

stand for or what to expect next. Others view you in the exchange as someone they need to protect

themselves from and fear being manipulated and controlled. The outcome is that the goal is avoided or ignored as it cause such

confusion or the outcome is the same as with an aggressive or passive style.

Your underlying belief is that you need to fight to be heard and respected. If that means you need to manipulate, be passive or aggressive, so be it.


Assertive Communication

You choose and make decisions for you. You are sensitive and caring with your honesty. You are direct. You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward. You convert win-lose situations to win-win ones. You are willing to compromise and negotiate. You feel confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued.

Later you may feel a sense of accomplishment. Others feel valued and respected. Others view you with respect, trust and understand where

you stand. The outcome is determined by above-board negotiation.

Your rights and others are respected. Your underlying belief is that you have a responsibility to

protect your own rights. You respect others but not necessarily their behavior.


Think about how others will respond to the different styles of communicating.

Aggressive vs. Passive

Passive vs. Passive-Aggressive

Aggressive vs. Passive-Aggressive

Passive vs. Assertive

And so on…

Assertive Communicators have a strong foundation to begin the cycle of Good

Communication!

Communication


Basics of Communication…

No matter what style you communicate with, there is always a:

A SPEAKER and a

A LISTENERSomeone will be sending messages

while another is receiving.Roles will always be reversing.


Destructive vs. Constructive

Communication

Words, tone of voice and body Words, tone of voice and body language matter.language matter.

It’s not always what you say, but how It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. you say it.

Someone’s entire day can be made Someone’s entire day can be made better or ruined by a comment made better or ruined by a comment made by you. by you.


Hammer of Communication

THE HEAD IS LIKE CONSTRUCTIVE

COMMUNICATION.

It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put things together.

THE CLAW IS LIKE DESTRUCTIVE

COMMUNICATION.

It is sharp and dangerous and is used to destroy and

tear down relationships.

THE SHANK IS LIKE NON-VERBAL

COMMUNICATION:

It is strong and can be used to support

construction or destruction.

THE HANDLE OF THE HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT IS THE DRIVING FORCE.

We are in control of our communication and choose to use it in a

constructive or destructive manner.


Destructive Communication

Blaming – Frequently blame each other while trying to find out who is at “fault”, who started the fight, etc.” Examples – You are the one that’s not

listening. You did this…. You should of … Interrupting – Interrupts another

person, it is a sign that one idea is more important than another. Stop communication, Shows disregard

for other person’s ideas.



Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening now. Examples: Just like when you…

Character Assassination – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm) Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, and

communication.



Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels. Example: to save face

Withdrawal – Withdrawing from communication avoiding conversation in families communicates hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, &/or anger. Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”

Need to be right – Some people refuse to admit any need to always be right. Compromise is a win-win situation.


Communication Roadblocks

These stop communication from happening…ShoutingName CallingPhysical Aggression

They also can destroy a person’s self-esteem and create fear.


Constructive Communication

Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating. Examples: Asking for something when parents

walk in from work.

Clarity – Mean what you say and saying what you mean. Beware of sarcasm.Example: I hope you had a great time at

the movie last night with all your other friends!


Constructive Communication

Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time. Example: Why, What, Where, When, Do you

mean….

Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify. Example: Are you saying? You seem to be

saying?


Using I- Messages

• State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication.

• Lets others know how you feel without making people defensive.- ““I feel … … because … I would I feel … … because … I would

like …”like …”Don’t blame the other person.Don’t blame the other person.


Using I- Messages- Practice

1. Stop interrupting me, don’t you know that it is rude to bother someone when they are reading?

2. You’re being a jerk.3. You are always in a terrible mood, it’s

bringing everyone else down.4. You are so irresponsible, you never do what

you say your going to do.5. I cannot believe you are blowing me off

again. I guess our friendship isn’t important to you anymore.


Communication Patterns

What you’ve learned from your family?


Communication

Communication plays a critical role in building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Communication is key is in developing intimacy- truly knowing someone and feeling connected.

Research show that the ability to communicate and handle conflict highly influences the success or failure of any relationship over time.


Communication Patterns

Everyone has certain communication patterns that they use in everyday life.

Some of these patterns are good and should continue, other patterns create conflict.

Good patterns can be learned, as can skills for improving bad patterns of communication.

Nothing has a greater influence on communication patterns than what you’ve experienced growing up.


Family Communication

You learn your communication patterns from your family.

Most families have neither perfect nor totally horrible patterns.

It is essential for everyone to take a serious look at their own family's patterns and decide what positive patterns of communication to keep and what harmful ones to leave behind and work to change.


Communication

Since humans are not born knowing how to communicate- communication is something you learn.

You can unlearn negative patterns and replace them with more productive ones.

We will work on discovering good communication patterns and how to improve our communication skills.


Communication Patterns Questionnaire


Thinking Brain vs. Angry Brain


Angry Brains Aren’t Smart Brains

HypothalamusSecretes hormones to your nervous

system to react- Fight or Flight

Limbic System- in the Temporal LobeWhere emotions (e.g. positive and/or

negative) are registered.

CortexWhere logic, reason, perception,

planning, and problem-solving take place.


The Brain• When a person is angry, they are not

using their “thinking brain” – the cortex.

• The cortex is where logic, planning, problem-solving, reasoning, and formal thinking take place.

• Instead their thoughts are coming from the lower brain stem- which regulates bodily functions, reflexes, and reactive impulses.

• The lower brain really does not think, it reacts- fight or flight.


The Brain

• When someone is threatened, under stress, or becomes angry or riled up they cannot access the power of their thinking brain.

• They cannot be reasoned with. It is best to walk away.

Angry Brain = Not Smart BrainThinking Brain = Smart Brain


The Brain

• Not until a person calms down can they return to their “thinking” brain.

• This includes lowering their blood pressure, heart rate, and stress hormones.

• This process takes at least 30 minutes.


Time Out– What to Do

1. Recognize escalation is a

2. Say, “We need a Time Out.”

3. Do or say something to calm yourself down.

4. Come back to talk about it—wait at least 30 minutes, but no more than 24 hours.


Time-Outs• Time-Outs provide a way for you to

get out of the situation that is being dominated by your lower brain.

• By taking a time-out you are giving you and the other person time to calm down and allowing the brain to go back to operating in a higher, thinking state.


Anger

• Remember that Anger is neither smart nor powerful.

• You may feel powerful, but really you are begin controlled by your impulses.

• Getting out of that angry state by using our communication skill of time out can give you power.


Empowering Yourself- The Time Out Skill

When you are all riled up and you feel that someone is attacking or criticizing you, how much can you really listen to what the person is saying?

Time-outs are a way to exit out, back off, chill out, and get back into your smart brain state.

Remember that no can make you stay in a discussion that is getting you riled up. You have the power to remove yourself.


What do you say?

“I need a time-out. It’s hard for me to listen right now.”

“Let’s agree to stop for now and come back and talk about it tomorrow.”

“Let’s chill a bit and talk when we’re calmer.”

“I really want to understand you, but our emotions are running high and it’s too hard right now.”


Rules for Time-Out

1. Never say “you” need a time-out. It’s pretty obvious that this will make someone even more defensive. Always say “we” or “I” need a time-out.

2. Decide to drop it for now and come back later- at least 30 minutes later but within 24 hours- to talk it over. Use the Speaker-Listener Technique when you do.


Do’s and Don’ts for Time-Outs

1. DON’T rehearse negative thoughts or hurtful, vengeful comments you plan to make when you talk again.

2. DO try to identify what is really behind the anger.

3. DO have a few soothing messages to repeat to yourself when you are angry to replace the negative thoughts that can keep you angry.


During a Time-Out

Remind yourself that you are:

V = valuable,

I = important,

E = equal and

W= worthy

You can easily remember this by recalling the letters VIEW.


Speaker-Listener Technique


Speaker-Listener Technique

Most people want to communicate, but don’t know how to do so when it really counts.

The Speaker-Listener Technique offers rules and structure for keeping a difficult conversation under control.


S/L Practice Prompts

1. Your school is considering bringing in school uniforms. What is your opinion and why?

2. Your school is considering doing away with the 3-month summer vacation and extending the school year to 12 months with shorter vacations spread out throughout the year. Do you agree or disagree and why?

3. What do you think about the death penalty? Why?

4. Should the drinking age be lowered to 18 years of age or stay at 21? How do you defend your position?


Taking Care of Relationships

People of all ages want to feel appreciated by others in their relationships. You want to feel that others recognize the positive things about you.

The break-down of a relationship involves not only the build up of negatives but also the decrease of positives.

Researchers have found that people who have lots of positives in their relationships and who work at maintaining their friendships seem to naturally manage their own conflicts.


• What is it that you admire and appreciate about this person?

• What are the “gifts” this person has given you or what have you learned from this person?

• What impact has this person had on your life?• Does this person have something to do with

who you are today?

copyright © 2007 by marline e. pearson. all rights reserved. lesson 9 a foundation for good...

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