costa tropical news - december 2009

Issue 37 - December 2009

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Contents DECEMBER

2009

3

4 LIGHTER SIDE

The Best Humour in one place

8 ALL WOMAN

Holiday Make-Up ideas

18 ANIMALS & PETS

Pet Issues

20 XMAS QUIZ

Crosswords and puzzles.

30 GADGETS & GIZMOS

The wildest, wackiest and probably the

most useless gadgets around

22 A LETTER

Letter from the Southern Hemisphere.

Views and opinions from Latin America 26 HEALTH MATTERS

News and articles relating to health

and healthy living

40 THE COMPASS

More musings on life from Leslie Thomas

50 TWAS THE NIGHT

BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Magi and a mission.

46 WHAT ARE THE

ODDS OF THAT?

Ridiculous odds of silly events

34 AUTONOMOUS

A trip around Spain and the

autonomous communities

1 1 ASK THE CHEF

New feature from Chef Anthony

solving your culinary needs 12 BUSINESS NEWS

News and information from the local

Costa Tropical business community

To Advertise Call - Mobile 620 676 843 - Office 958 069 058 - email: [email protected]

Deposito Legal B - 51548 - 2006 - Editor: Simon Batchelor

Design & Pre-Print Production by Bad Attitude Designs

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he re-plied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It repre-sents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked.

He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

§

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip toRome with her husband. She men-tioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“ Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty..You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hair-dresser. “ That’s a terrible airline.Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re

always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclu-sive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hair-dresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hair-dresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remod-eling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apolo-gized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky,

because as we toured the Vati-can, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

§

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; “I’m sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed; “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead.” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or any-thing. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed

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the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and pro-duced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “€150!” she cried; “€150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?”

The vet shrugged; “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been €20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now €150.”

§

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The

man isn’t sure why she is shud-dering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shud-ders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shudder-ing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?” The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condi-tion and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?” The woman looks at him and says, “Pepper.”

§

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the of-fice . The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The

man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedi-cated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.

The last man came into the office. The interviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”

ONE LINERS Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him

without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

DECEMBER THOUGHT FOR

THE MONTH

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there

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Northgate Information Solutions is a market leader in providing specialist software, outsourcing and information tech-nology (IT) services to the human resources, local government, education and public safety markets.

Northgate, which is owned by private equity company Kohlberg Kravis Roberts (KKR), currently employs over 6,000 staff and operates in 46 countries across 5 continents.

Northgate has approximately 4,500 large/medium customers and approximately 10,500 small to medium enterprise (SME) customers world wide. The many corporate organisations Northgate works closely with include over 20% of fortune 500 clients ,90% of the UK local authorities and all of the UK’s police forces.

We are expanding the scope of our Granada operation and creating a hub for Credit Management for Europe & UK and UK transactional activities and support. We are currently seeking individuals with a “can do” attitude and a willingness to learn / graduates / fluent English speakers to come and work in our new Multilingual Finance Shared Service Centre which is situated in the heart of Granada on the Gran Vía de Colón.

The roles that we are currently recruiting for are:• HR Co-ordinator. This person will provide operational HR Administrative Support delivering an excellent service to the Finance Shared Service Centre. You will be required to perform duties in accordance with the collec-tive agreement and company policies and procedures. You will maintain all employment data and produce standard HR administration documentation. As and when required you will deal with operational HR issues to ensure a positive outcome for the team. Liaise with the payroll agency as appropriate. Maintain effective relationships with internal customers and suppliers. Keep abreast of changes in Employment Legislation. Ensure company confidentiality at all times. Desirable Qualifications and experience; Previous HR administration/support, A HR qualification or related degree, Working knowledge of a shared service modelEssential; Excellent command of the English Language both written and verbal, PC Literacy - Word, Excel, PowerPoint, outlook• Finance Manager. This person will manage the development of a credit management function within a newly created Finance Centre of Excellence (FCE) in Granada, Spain. The main function of the FCE is to support UK based divisions and their highly valued clients. You will be responsible for ensuring that services are delivered to a high standard, and that appropriate improvements and change initiatives are implemented to deliver continuous improve-ment in services to the rest of the Group.

• Balance Sheet Accountant - Up to €45,000. This person will assist in the control, review, consolidation and reporting of the consolidated balance sheet and to review and interrogate the balance sheet at individual ARINSO locations. To provide assistance to Group Reporting Accountant in the day to day reporting and reporting of UK and European locations. The role reports to the Group Reporting Accountant.

Hours of work will be 0930 to 0630 Monday to Thursday and 0930 to 0530 on Friday, you will be expected observe UK bank holidays.

Qualifications and Work Experience:• Finance or Business Administration, Translation or Tourism degree• Qualified by experience with at least two years experience in a multi national organisation• Demonstrate flexibility in style and approach to problem solving• Excellent customer services skills to proactively build and maintain relationships with customers• Availability to travel

Knowledge (Language IT Skills etc)• Fluent and wide ranging vocabulary in English is absolutely necessary. Spanish will be an advantage• Full class room training will be provided for systems, processes and commercial knowledge for the role• A basic understanding of SAP FI and other Finance systems are desirable

Personal Skills• Demonstrable “can do” attitude, a willingness to learn• Strong, performance-orientated person, able to function in a dynamic environment• Customer-orientated and with strong personal empowerment skills• Good analytical skills, effective communications skills both oral and written

Please contact: Lisa ColemanPhone: (0044) 07983379078E-mail: [email protected]

Because the holidays are very special oc-casions you will need to look different

than usual, you will need to look fabulous. Get yourself in the holiday spirit with some festive holiday makeup ideas!

Holiday makeup can differ from the rest of the days due to the special occasion

they create. Because holidays are special times, full of joy and happiness, when fami-lies gather together to celebrate, your look needs to be a little bit special as well.

Special times call for special measures so now is the time to catch up with your

makeup basics.

Holiday makeup is usually stronger than usual every day makeup, simply due to

the occasion. There is no rule when it comes to colour, the only rule is to make sure not to cross the fine line between appropri-ate makeup and going overboard towards trashy.

Bold Eyes Makeup

One of the ways to go when it comes to your holiday makeup is accentuating

the eyes. A basic rule of makeup says not to go bold with your eyes as well as your lips so decide which of the two is your best facial feature. If you consider your eyes to be the best, choose two or three tones which you will blend together to enhance your eyes. The colour you choose depends on your eye colour and skin tone and personal prefer-ence.

For brown eyes you can try purple tones, gold tones, grey tones. For green eyes

green tones work great, browns and cop-pers. For blue eyes you can go for purples, soft browns, peach and greys. Apply the eyeshadow according to your eye shape but make sure not to go too strong with the col-our if you are creating a daytime makeup.

Use eyeliner to define your eyes. You can apply the eyeliner near your eyelashes

and line with an eyeliner pencil your water-line as well. If you have small eyes line only outside the lash line since dark eyeliner ap-plied on the waterline will have a diminish-ing effect. Coat your lashes with mascara and your peepers will look astonishing.

Bold Lips

9

Holiday Makeup Ideas

Lips are considered to be very sensual and they can have a very powerful attraction

attached. Full sensual lips is the way to go if you consider your lips to be your best facial feature.

Use a contour pencil to give the lips more fullness if you think you need it. Contour

just above your lip line and thus your lips will appear fuller.

Apply a fire red, wine or pink coloured lip-stick pairing it with soft shimmery eyes.

Natural Beauty

If you are not into bold col-

ours and like to stay in the natural zone have no fear because you will be trendy as well. Natural makeup is very popular in 2010 so you’ll look gorgeous.

Try soft peach tones, pink

tones or lavender, depending on your complexion. Apply a little

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bit of black eyelin-er along the lash-line and a white eyeliner on your waterline.

The with eye-liner will make

your ayes appear bigger. Coat your lashes with mas-cara and apply a little bit of tinted or clear lip gloss.

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“NEW” - Ask the chef! Welcome to the new culinary column by Chef Anthony, personal chef and owner of “the holy lemon”.

Chef Anthony was classically trained at Le Cordon Bleu London and every month will be answering questions you may have regarding food and cooking. He will help build a great repertoire of wonderful easy recipes to im-press friends and family. So, if you have any questions or simply need help in the kitchen email Chef Anthony at [email protected] and he will help out, hey you might even find your question in this column… fame at last!

So this month, it really has to be something for the holi-day season and I have chosen Goose (or Oca in Spain) because I love it and my family and I always have goose every Christmas! When I first came to Spain goose was impossible to find and I always had mine imported, but now they can be ordered from most good butchers and even some supermarkets! There are several ways to cook goose but I have gone for my favourite, roast goose with chestnut & prune stuffing served with a port gravy (please email me for the recipes for the stuffing and port gravy... trust me you should!)

OK.. so what will you need to look for? Always look for a nice fatty goose with plenty of fat around the legs (the dripping will make the best roast potatoes you have ever had).

Ok, so let’s cook a goose…Try to buy a 5.4kg Goose ideally, as this will have a good amount of meat and will serve around 10.

1. Pre-heat the oven to 200C/400F2. Remove any giblets and reserve for the gravy3. Prick the goose, especially around the legs with a skewer and rub with salt4. Stuff the goose with stuffing and close off the end with a large cooking apple5. Cover the legs with spare fat from inside the bird and then wrap double fold foil around each leg.6. Line a large roasting tin with enough foil to make a parcel of the goose. Place the goose on a trivet in the roasting tin and wrap the goose up7. Place the goose in the oven and allow 15mins per 0.45kg plus 20mins, (therefore 3 ½ hours for 5.4kg)8. After the 1st hour baste the goose and make sure that the skin is not burning9. For the last 30-45 mins uncover (but not the legs) and allow to brown and baste again10. Once cooked remove from the oven and al-low resting for at least 20mins before carving, keep it cov-ered.

I’m sure you will love this as much as my family and I do and we would just like to wish you all a Merry Christmas from everyone at “the holy lemon”. Look out for our new range of traditional puddings such as sticky toffee in the new year!

12 13

The “Mercadillo Cultural” located on and around the campo de futbol in Los Carlos, began in Spring 2009 and is more than just a Car Boot Sale!

The collaboration between residents and the ay-untamiento de Lujar intended the event to be as much of a social occasion as a standard market.

You will find a large variety of articles, both new and old, artisan and food stuffs too but most noticeable is the atmosphere. Even though it is in it´s early stages of development you will always find a friendly “Buzz” which as the event gets larger the promoters are hop-ing will turn into a ‘cacophony.’

The administration have added a festive theme to the Christmas market and look forward to seeing you.

Mercadillo de Los Carlos - 2nd Sunday of Every month., 10am – 2pm - Info [email protected] Telephone - 958 656904

Ambienza are helping us keep warm with some deli-cious ‘Winter Warmer’ drinks now the weather has finally turned chilly. Get cosy on the sofas and enjoy Cinnamon Cappuccinos, Hazlenut Lattes, Pomegran-ate Tea with Rum, White Hot Chocolate ‘Snowballs’ and more with yummy cakes and cookies.

The Sunday Carvery is now running too. Roast Rib-Eye Beef with all the trimmings is on the menu every week, and other Meats, Vegetarian options, Seasonal Vegetables and Desserts vary each week. For the 19th & 20th December it switches to Christmas Din-ner – remember to reserve your table fast!

The first ‘Guest Chef Night’ is very soon with Chef Heather Roscoe creating a ‘one night only’ menu. In effect, its like getting a new restaurant to enjoy that’s only open for one night. They’ll email you the menu so you can see what delights she’s going to be pre-paring before you book.

Call - 958 771 381

What’s On December - Casa Del Cafe Albondón Sat 5th Dec - Market Day Weds 9th Dec - “Fish N Chip” NightCod in Batter, Chips, Mushy Peas and desert just €6 - Please book

Thurs 24th - Christmas Eve - Mulled Wine & Mince Pies, Dance the night away Fri 25th - Christmas Day Closed. Thur 31st - 8.30 - 10.30 Happy hour - all drinks €1 (exc pints)

Call - 958 826 603

Ho Ho Ho !!!! Santa will be visiting the Cueva De Aladdin at 2.30 on 18th December. On 3rd & 18th it is market day in Cadiár. On 3rd Cue-va De Aladdin will be hosting a Bring and Buy Sale with proceeds going to the local school. They will be closed 20th December and re-open 3rd January for a well earned rest and would like to wish their customers a Happy Christmas and New year and than them for their support for the charities.

Call - 958 850 903

La Herradura Riding centre will be open every day (except Christmas Day) over the festive period. Gift vouchers are available, these can be for a one off beginners lesson, a ride out in mountains, rivers and beaches or a course of lessons. Its up to you, and rides are available for all levels and ages.

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For more information call Karen on 660 231 325 or visit their website www,herraduraridingcentre.com

T.O.T.S Xmas Present ! - Special offer Discounts from December 1st 2009 - January 31st 2010

Rental of any 2 items - 15 % discount

Rental of 3 or more items - 25 % discountPlease see web site for product images and prices www.toddlersontourspain.com

Or phone Sarah on 958622499 /687102912 . free delivery, Motril and Salobreña areas . (nominal charge - further afield)

This offer supercedes any previous offers.

El Padrinos in Salobreña has recently undergone re-furbishment, call in to see their new image. They will be open over the holiday period (exc 23-27th inc). On New years Eve they have an Early Firework Display, Drinks offers, their usual menu and Free cava & grapes at midnight. Hungry? Like Pizza? Then become pizza eating champion at the competition on Friday 22nd Janu-ary. Pub & Restaurant El Padrino - 958 612 319 or 699 245 133

Northgate Information Solutions have yet more va-cancies to fill at their offices in Granada. This month they have positions for HR Co-ordinator, Finance Manager and Balance Sheet Account. The Balance sheet accountant has a salary of up to €45,000For more information see advert on page 7.

FREE RETURN FLIGHTS TO UK !!! Yes it is true, Jet2 Airline are running a competition to win free return flights for 2 people. All you need to do is email your answer for a chance to win. For competition details see their advert on page 21.

Cafe Bar Garcia - What’s on Christmas/New Year 24th Christmas Eve - 7pm till late. Happy hour 7-9pm with all drinks 1/2 price!! Food available from 7pm. 25th Christmas Day - Closed 26th & 27th Dec7pm till late, Food served from 7pm 28th -30th Closed

31st New Years Eve - 8pm - till LateUnlimited Buffet, Cava & Grapes - limited spaces €10Pre Booked only 1st Jan - 1.00 - 3.00pm Hangover cure. Full English Breakfasts being served, free glass of Bucks Fizz. Bookings advised due to demand. 1st Jan 7pm - till Late, Food served from 7pm For bookings call 650 921 132 or 620 676 843

La Bamba in La Herradura are now taking bookings for Christmas Day Lunch. Price just €16 per person for 3 Courses. On 23rd December they are holding a Childrens Christmas party between 2pm and 6pm where Santa will be popping in to meet the kids. On Christmas Eve between 9 and 11pm there is Free Beer!! On News Years Eve they will be open till VERY late. New Years Day they have a special 3 Course meal for €16 per person. For more information or to make a reservation call 958 827 167 or 645 090 457

Drogueria Rosa in Castell De Ferro has an even larger selection of Perfumes, Fragrances, Gift Sets, Cosmetics and gifts this Christmas. Pop in and browse around. They also stock, the lat-est beauty products, fashion Jewellery and loads of gift ideas for all the family to suit all budgets. All pur-chases are gift wrapped free of charge.

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Peter and Nina welcome you to Hamper’s. We are delighted to offer you British and International food. We will be stocking a wide variety of your fa-vourite Christmas treats including Mince Pies, Christ-mas Cakes, Christmas Puddings, Selection of Tinned Sweets, Joints of Meat to order, Turkey Crowns , New Zealand Leg of Lamb and Scottish Roast Beef. We have limited amount of Goose and duck fat and all types of Paxo Stuffing including Chestnut and Cran-berry, apple and lemon. Cheese selections and Carrs Water biscuits.

We would like to thank all our customers for support-ing us in our new venture and wish them all a very happy Christmas and a prosperous news year. Call 659 847 302

Do you need a special present for Christmas? Be inspired by the Jewellery that is handmade by Lesley Furber, who works mainly in Sterling Silver but also uses Copper, 9ct Gold and semi-precious stones in her designs. Unique and beautiful pieces with prices to suit everyone. View the whole range of Lesley’s jewellery at www.lalunadeplata.co.uk, where there is also a quality, inexpensive range of lovely Tibetan jewellery for sale.

Lesley lives near Castell de Ferro and you can contact her by e-mail at [email protected] or on her mobile 692 847 082.

Brighten up your room for ChristmasBeautifully woven handmade rugs do not just add elegance to your home décor but brighten up the surroundings adding a breath of luxury. Interior de-signers know that the key to pulling a room together is the addition of a special rug, which can take a room from dull to bold in an instant. Rugs are not simply floor coverings they are versatile and decorative items. They can replace for example, a framed painting or a large picture on the wall, or accentuate a piece of fur-niture or appliance, or even the whole room!

Woven Wonders based in the Lecrin Valley, special-

ise in Indian cotton handmade rugs which are avail-able in a variety of sizes, colours and designs both contemporary and traditional.

For more information and to arrange a viewing with a glass of mulled wine contact www.wovenwonders.eu or ring 958 793 706

It’s Chriiiiiistmas!! Well Almost! All of us at El Drag-on Rojo, Dylan, Aroa, Jonnie and Sheila, would like to wish all our customers a Very Happy Christmas and a Wonderful New Year.

Our chefs have worked unbelievably hard and are frequently coming up with new ideas and additions to the menu. The latest being our Chinese Hot Pot which is a method of cooking your own food at the table from a selection of raw meat, seafood and veg-etables. We’ve had brilliant feedback from all those who have tried it and if you’re not one of them get on down here and get stuck in! It’s great fun!

Look out for the special promotions we’ll be running in the coming months, half priced drinks with your meal, kids eat for free etc. Keep your eyes on the boards for these.

For those of you who don’t fancy all the fuss and washing up on Christmas Day let us do it all for you. For only 30 Euros per head you can enjoy a proper traditional Christmas lunch with a complimentary bucks fizz on arrival, either turkey or beef with all the trimmings and sauces followed by Christmas pud or mince pies or Christmas cake or all three! Give us a ring or call in with a small deposit to secure your book-ing. Tel 958656552 we’d love to see you. We will be open at lunchtime on Christmas Eve but closed in the evening. Christmas Day will be Christmas lunch re-served tables only. We’ll also be closed in the evening

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on New Years Eve and all day on New Years Day.

Legends - Salobreña are celebrating their 1st An-niversary on the 19th December with live music from Not To Fall and a free buffet. Call to reserve your space. Christmas Eve evening they have live music from Ala-bama. On Christmas Day there is a 5 course Christmas Lunch for just €20 per person and New Years Eve they have Live Music and a Buffet. To bring in 2010 they have grapes, cava, a wee dram and Bagpipes. The cost is €10 per person. If you book both Christmas Lunch and New years Eve they have an offer price of €28 - bookings essential for all dates. Call - 687 628 223

Costalotless but in demand - Within 36 hours of our first advert in this magazine we had our first enquiry. It seems that there is a demand for transportation of goods around the costa tropical region.

Having been in the transport business for 20 yrs, we understand the necessity to treat each contract as unique. Our experience will ensure that the requisite questions are asked and we can advise on any aspect of your removal requirements.

Whilst receiving many requests of local transporta-tion, we also have received a number of enquiries for transporting goods to and from the UK.

This is an avenue that we are more than happy to forefill and will run to the UK approximately every 3 months. Many of the requests are for single items from Christmas puddings to pasteing tables.

We are now looking at animal transportation to and have made our application for “defra” registration. This should be on stream mid February. We will be running as normal over Christmas with the excep-tions of Christmas day and New Years day. Call - 680 491 335

Fellowship of The King - What’s on at Christmas

Friday 18th December 7pm Salobreña Youth Club Christmas Musical (in Spanish) FTK, Calle Blas Enfante (near bigger Supersol). 958 658 439

Sunday 20th December 11am Almuñécar Christmas Service, Family Centre (opposite Bar La Granja) Avda Costa del Sol. 958 881 358

Sunday 20th December 5.30pm Salobreña English

Carols by Candlelight with mulled wine and mince pies. FTK, Calle Blas Enfante (near bigger Supersol) 958 658 439

Tuesday 22nd December 7pm Almuñécar English Carols by Candlelight with mulled wine and mince pies, El Faro, Plaza de las Magnolias. 958 881 358

Friday 25th December 11am Almuñécar Christmas Day service – phone for directions 647 279 326

Almuñecar International School

We are nearly at the end of the winter term and are delighted how successful and happy it has been. 86% of our pupils got 5 or more GCSE passes, most of them had 9 or more, and 100% passed their A level, all getting in to the universities of their choice.

Term started this year with about 280 pupils and a stable staff. Primary is full in all but one class, we have a Sixth Form of over 30 and there are very few spaces in Secondary. The work ethic is high and we are delighted by the dedication and hard work of our students. 20 Year 9 studnets have just taken the first part of their GCSE Science examinations. This term secondary pupils have visited Malaga for History and Geography and have made some coastal stud-ies. Primary students have a full regular programme of outings. Nest term we have 3 school journeys for Secondary. The Sixth Form are visiting London on a combined English/ Media/ History/ Business Studies trip, Years 8 and 9 and Sport Science students are ski-ing in the Sierra Nevada and the Spanish Department have an ambitious trip planned to Avila, Salamanca, Segovia and Madrid.

Pupils have been fundraising for various causes this term 700 Euros were raised for a small child in Torrox who needs treatment in the US for a brain tumour (See the Fletcher campaign). A Ladies Night for par-ents saw over a hundred ladies enjoying a drink and seeing what 16 local businesses had to offer them. It also raised over 500 Euros for equipment for the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme. Our older pupils were responsible for organising and running both these events and we are impressed by their dedication.

We are now looking forward to December with the mixed prospects of the Primary Show for pupils and parents and also the GCSE Mock exams. In January there are module examinations for A level so that our sixth formers will not enjoy as much of a Christmas holiday as the rest of us! I am sure that their results will be worth it!

Call - 958 635 911

1918

A Doggy Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin’? In the lane, snow is glistenin’. It’s yellow, NOT white - I’ve been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance. It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants; “Avoid where I pee, it’s MY pro-per-ty! Marked up as my winter wonder-land.” In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it’s mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fencepost, flows my natural incense boast; “Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland.

A Dog’s Christmas Promises

Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the sur-prises by opening all their presents.

Christmas light bulbs, Christmas ornaments, Christ-mas stockings, and tinsel from the Christmas tree are not food.

I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights out into the backyard through the doggy door.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the choc-olate decorations (which I will eat -- paper and all).

I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they’re out of the stocking!

I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree and piddling on the dining room rug.

I will not get into a fight with the bigger dog next door, making my human have to call the vet’s at Christmas.

I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the tree down while trying

to get at a cat through the conservatory window.

I will not pee on Grandma’s Christ-

mas presents that are under her tree as soon as we enter her house.

I will not pee on the Christmas tree.

I will not steal the neighbor’s Christ-

mas light bulbs.

The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog

dish. I will not drink from it. It will make me sick.

A Cat’s Christmas

Twas the night before Christmasand all through the houseNot a creature was stirring,not even a mouse.

‘Cuz the cat had pounced on himand tore him apart-Ate his mousey intestinesAnd chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,which made him take pause-He stopped daintily lickingthe blood from his claws.

“Must be Santa” thought Kitty(that quite clever cat)‘Cuz nobody else climbs downthe chimney like that.

1918

Indeed it was ol’ Santa,so jolly and fatWith a load of presentsand all for the cat!

“Wow, the best Christmas ever!”Kitty thought with a purr,Then he coughed up a hairballand shed some more fur.

Holiday Etiquette for Dogs

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

- - don’t pee on the tree - - don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree - - mind your tail when you are near the tree - - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open - - don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of stran-gers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discre-tion on your part:

- - not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - - don’t eat off the buffet table - - beg for goodies subtly - - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

- - don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. - - respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - - tolerate children - - turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

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Answers Page 25

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Phew… what a scorcher! When the temperature here starts rising just like this, it can surely mean only one thing. That’s right … it’s nearly Christmas time. With our “upside-down” calendar of seasons in the southern hemisphere, of course, we’re preparing for mid-summer rather than mid-winter. Not that that prevents the many shops, shopping malls and other outlets from putting up yet again the fairly tawdry decorations of snow (surely a joke!), Christmas trees, Santas and tinsel.

For someone from the northern climes of Europe, of course, it all seems pretty incongruous – though “pretty” is hardly the word to describe it. Not only that, but the tide of international consumerism only seems to under-line how foreign is this whole business of celebrating Christmas in such a way. It’s enough to raise a shake of the head with sympathy for the established Catholic Church in this part of the world, which, naturally, still at-tempts to tie in the celebrations with an event that took place more than two thousand years ago.

Perhaps because it’s a more recent manifestation of com-mercial imperialism I’m probably even more offended by the outpouring of retail madness that surrounds the last psuedo-religious festival we’ve only just witnessed on the 31st of October; Halloween. Having leaked out of the birthplace of its contemporary, commercial, guise – where else but the United States – black capes, death masks, skeletons and candle-lit pumpkins appear to be as much a childhood craze here as anywhere else in the Americas or England.

The grinding consumerism certainly gets you down af-ter a while and was almost enough this year to have me signing up to the Spanish Bishops’ Episcopal Confer-ence, which roundly condemned the widespread popu-larity of Halloween – which it blamed on Hollywood movies – protesting that it threatened to overshadow the Christian festival of All Saints’ Day. In a comment that could apply even more aptly to this part of the southern hemisphere, one of the bishops complained that the cel-ebration of Halloween is a foreign and pagan import, which is hardly as innocent as many would like to make out. Instead, the craze for children to “dress as witches, vampires, ghosts, corpses and skeletons” and parents to encourage “elements of death”, said the cleric, served to underline the festival’s origins in “the occult and anti-Christianity”.

The conference of bishops urged a return to Christian celebrations of All Saints’ Day, where families should be encouraged to visit the graves of loved ones in a “festi-val that encourages life and not death” so that children can “discover the value of life and goodness, and not promote death”.

It’s not often that you’ll hear me admit it, but for once, on this particular topic, I’d probably rather throw in my hand with the Catholic Church than those on the Hal-loween bandwagon. As things are at the moment – and I can’t see them changing any time soon – the long, hot summers here begin with the marketing for Halloween. As soon as that’s done and dusted, then it’s time for the splurge that is Christmas, only to be followed hot on its heels in February with the abandonment (and more merchandising, of course) that is Carnival. The last, I’ll admit to enjoying, not least because that celebration, at least, seems to “belong” to the country and remains a spontaneous party for all that the country offers.

I say this without great reservation, even though the onset of summer’s heat has also brought on the usual spectacular thunder storms recently and the fall-out from the storms has raised questions about the coun-try’s infrastructure. Here, in one of the largest cities on earth, we weathered a four-hour power failure. Now, power cuts are not unheard of just about anywhere on the planet. What made this one particular news is that it managed to turn off the lights – not to mention lifts, cookers, traffic-signals, air-conditioning and the like – for some 60 million people, or about one in three of the population, in what is a huge country geographically. The whole of neighbouring Paraguay was completely without electricity for the entire black-out.

The reason for such widespread commotion is the country’s reliance on one major hydroelectric scheme (the second largest in the world), at Itaipu, to supply the national grid. Storms appear to have knocked out a vi-tal transformer near the border with Paraguay and two other transmission lines went down in response to an automatic safety cut-off mechanism.

Apart from the normal worries about being left in the dark for so long, fears were also expressed about the country’s image abroad with the World Cup to be hosted here in 2014 and the Olympic Games just two years later. In addition, the power failures exposed the unpreparedness at some hospitals and delays in restor-ing power through emergency generators, whilst most of the population stayed indoors through a fear of in-creased violent crime during the darkness (though little more than usual was in fact reported).

This latest episode marks at least the fourth time since 1985 that failures at Itaipu have led to massive power outages. Nevertheless, it was not so bad as the failure that occurred in 1999, when a lightening strike knocked out an electricity substation and plunged some 97 mil-lion inhabitants into darkness for up to five hours.

Merry Christmas

22 23

Christmas comes but once a year and it’s a time to eat drink and be merry, but as the parties start so does the temptation to overindulge on both food and alcohol.

So is it possible to enjoy the Christmas festivities with-out suffering from an expanding waistline?

Sally Whitcombe, a dietician from Gloucester, be-lieves it is and shares with us her top tips on how to stay healthy over the Christmas period.

Eat, drink and be healthy“Believe it or not it is possible to over indulge

slightly but also stay healthy,” said Sally.

“I think a lot of people end up feeling rotten at Christ-mas, when you get that sluggish feeling when you know you’ve over indulged and your energy levels go down and you feel like you need a detox.”“One of the things to realise is to know what actu-ally puts the weight on, which a lot of people mis-understand. People think it’s just fat, and think that by avoiding fatty food they will avoid weight gain, but in fact it’s carbohydrates that put on most of the weight. “ Sally Whitcombe

On average people gain the equivalent of two bags of sugar in weight, approximately four and a half pounds, in the four weeks over the festive period, and Sally thinks the problem is because people are unaware of what they can and can’t eat.

“One of the things to know is what actually puts the weight on, which a lot of people misunderstand.

“People think it’s just fat, and think that by avoiding fatty food they will avoid weight gain, but in fact it’s carbohydrates that put on most of the weight.

“It’s actually the overindulgence of the mince pies, the crisps, the cakes, and biscuits that are the biggest problem.”

Healthy optionsAccording to Sally even the traditional Christ-

mas dinner can be a healthy option.

“A turkey dinner can actually be a healthy dinner, if you cut down on the potatoes and load up with vegetables.

“Most of us would tend to binge on Christmas Day but if you think over the longer period and try to keep your carbohydrates down it’s better for you.”

Alternate healthy daysOne trick that works for Sally is the one day on,

one day off option.

“Some people will look at their diary and see what work do’s they have in the run up to Christmas and they’ll eat a lot on that day but cut back on the fol-lowing day.

“If you eat something healthy like a salad or a stir-fry that cleanses the body, then it prepares you for the next onslaught the following day. It’s like a mini detox in-between.”

Who’s at risk?There is no particular type of person prone to

weight gain but exercise is a key factor in keeping unwanted weight off.

Sally said: “Anybody is at risk who doesn’t exercise much and who regularly eats a lot of carbohydrates, increases the intake of them and adds the alcohol.

“Smokers are at more risk because the alcohol effects are stronger if you are a smoker. Age doesn’t really affect it but in terms of health it’s mainly dependent on exercise.”

So what can we do if we want to avoid the post Christmas bulge?

“If you are coming up to Christmas rather than let the stress stop you exercising try and keep that up, go to the gym, go for a walk and prepare yourself for the possible overindulgence at Christmas.”Sally Whitcombe

“Taking a nice brisk walk can do wonders and help make you feel refreshed.

“Coming up to Christmas, rather than let the stress stop you exercising try and keep that up - go to the

2726

Surviving Christmas

gym, go for a walk and prepare yourself for the pos-sible overindulgence at Christmas.”

Because the festive period can be quite a long time of overeating and drinking, Sally suggests a bit of planning is what is needed to keep your waistline in check.

“Just think about what’s healthy and what’s not. For example if I know I’m going to be going to a lot of buffets, they usually have a mix of things that just sit in your stomach, doesn’t go down and ferments. So if you get to the buffet early you can go for the salads, raw vegetables, dips and cheese rather than solid stuff like sandwiches, sausage rolls and other pastry based food types.”

Look after your bloodAnother trick for a healthier Christmas is to keep

your blood sugar as even as possible.

According to Sally “When your blood sugar is high you produce more of the hormone insulin, which is a fat storing hormone. So if you can keep your blood sugar levels even then that helps, and one of the tricks for doing that is to eat more protein.

“Many people will go hours without eating protein until late in the evening, which causes havoc to their blood sugar levels.

“If you add to that the general Christmas stress and pressures which increases the hormone Cortisol, then this throws more sugar into the blood, which in turn produces more insulin, which in turn stores fat.”

“The trick for ongoing weight loss, or should I say weight management, is to learn to keep your blood sugar balanced through diet, then you can help yourself enormously and keep the weight off.”

What to eat?Think healthy and BE healthy this Christmas

by eating lots of fruit, vegetable and protein.

Good sources of are protein: * meat * fish which is easier on the digestion than red meat

* nuts and seeds which are protein rich.

“Lots of people are scared of nuts because they think they’re fattening but they contain loads of things that speed up the metabolism which helps you lose weight,” continued Sally

What not to eat!The temptations at Christmas are everywhere

but what try and avoid all those chocolate treats.

“If your body is strained from overindulging at Christ-mas anyway then chocolate will only add to the problem. “

“Chocolates can be a problem because they are loaded with sugar and additives unless they’re or-ganic. The cocoa bean is the most sprayed crop on the planet so you may enjoy it but you’re getting a high cocktail of chemicals which your body has to deal with.

“If your body is strained from overindulging at Christ-mas anyway then chocolate will only add to the problem.”

One drink or two?OK so we all know food and nibbles aren’t the

only temptations at Christmas. So what about the dreaded alcoholic haze that can often creep up on us at Christmas?

Alcohol - Avoid the hangover this Christmas!Sally offers us a few words of wisdom: “If you’re

going out boozing don’t go out on an empty stom-ach. Have a small snack with protein or complex car-bohydrates before you go out.

“Also try and sip a bit of orange juice between drinks and make sure before you go to bed at night you drink lots of water to rehydrate yourself.”

So it seems the key to a good Christmas is still to eat, drink and be merry - just do it in moderation.

Merry Christmas everyone!

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Someone in the office annoying you and not sure what to do about it? Forget a visit to HR, get yourself one of these USB Prankster gadgets and get their blood boiling...

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The USB Prankster is highly annoying, but it’ll never activate the ‘enter’ key or close or save documents, so it’s mostly mischievous, not super-dangerous. However, it probably shouldn’t be used on comput-ers that control nuclear reactors, security systems for genetically recreated dinosaur parks and/or zombie experimentation units, captured alien spacecraft or freezers packed with delicious ice cream.

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By Peter Webb

I don’t know if it’s just me, but Extremadura is one of those names which doesn’t immediately fly off the page as one of the top five most extensive au-tonomous communities of Spain. But such is the case with the autonomous community of Extre-madura. Yet it’s certainly a big enough land area (the fifth biggest of all the communities), though admittedly sparsely populated – only 2.5% of the country’s total population or 12th in terms of all the communities’ inhabitants.

The relative obscurity is also belied by the name it-self – roughly meaning “extreme border” – in both a literal and figurative sense. The province is hard

up against the western border of central Portugal and the name was also used to describe the final frontier of Christendom during a particular phase of the Reconquest of Spain. Its meaning is similar in many ways to the use of the word “marches” – as in the “Welsh Marches” – to describe the borderlands between England and Wales. This is the word that spread through much of Europe and gave rise to the landed title of Marquess (in English), Marquis (in French or, indeed, Scottish), or machioness or marquise in the case of female nobility.

Extremadura, then, is a geographically large, sparsely populated province, historically on one

Spain’s “autonomous communities”

34 35

of Spain’s furthest boundaries. Add to this a fairly unwelcoming climate which can see summertime temperatures topping the 26°C average to reach 40°C and it is possible perhaps to understand rath-er better why the province fails to feature promi-nently in many regular tourist guides.

One of the great benefits of its being a sparsely populated province at the heart of the Iberian Pe-ninsula, however, is that Extremadura has become an important home to several national parks for the preservation of its unique geography, flora and fauna. The biggest and most recently desig-nated of these is the Parque Nacional Monfragüe. Also recognised (since 2003) by UNESCO as a Bio-sphere reserve, the park lies to the north ofTrujillo and runs in a broadly east-west direction along the Tagus River valley. A feature is a long mountain-ous ridge, which the river has cut through, creat-ing on the western side an impressive rock face, the Penafalcon. On the eastern side lies a castle, Castillo Monfragüe. The River Tietar enters the park from the north-east and joins the Tagus just to the east of Penafalcon. There is only one village in the whole of the national park, and that goes by the name of Villareal de San Carlos – with a population of just 28 souls!

Although deer and wild boar live in the park, it is especially known for its impressive colonies of breeding birds of prey, or raptors. This includes the largest breeding concentration of the Eura-sian Black Vulture, many pairs of Griffon Vulture and established pairs of the Spanish Imperial Ea-gle, Golden Eagle and Bonelli’s Eagle. The park is also reknowned for its Black Storks, Eurasian Eagle Owls and Azure-winged Magpies. It is also one of the few European homes to breeding pairs of White-rumped Swift.

Large parts of Extremadura are also populated by the wild or semi-wild Black Iberian pig, which can be seen snuffling for acorns among the numerous oak groves of the region. In fact, the pigs are re-sponsible for many of the simple, basic, countryside fare of the region’s cuisine – in particular, the cured ham known as jamón ibérico.

For the more venturesome, there is also the popu-lar dish of tripe with pig’s trotters called callos con manos de cerdo. Dishes such as these are typical of the inexpensive recipes known to largely peasant populations. They might be cheap to prepare, but they are cooked in large pots, so that they can eas-

ily be shared with family, friends, neighbours and visitors alike.

Many of these staples also make use of mutton or lamb, such as caldereta de cordero (mutton stew), cabrito en cuchifrito, frite de cordero (mutton fry) and cabrito a la hortelana (lamb stew with vegeta-ble. The richest of all these, however, is likely to be the Extremaduran variant of a dish found in other parts of Spain, but given a distinctively regional taste. This is the chanfaina, a thick stew of mutton liver, brain, heart and kidneys cooked with a mix-ture of bay leaves, garlic, bread crumbs and boiled eggs.

As befitting a people living close to the land in fre-quently harsh conditions, however, the traditional dishes of Extremadura also include many other well-known and less widely used meats. Thus, there is the cocido extremeño stew made from chicken, but also arroz com liebre (rice with hare) and ancas de ranas fritas (fried frogs legs), together with two popular fish dishes tenchas fritas (fried tench) and truchas con jamón (trout with ham). There is even a regional speciality which incorporates the meat of a large lizard, lagarto con tomate, which is made by frying slices of the lizard in olive oil and then stewing the meat together with tomatoes and on-ions over a slow fire in an earthenware pot.

Although most of the staples of Extremaduran cooking involve meats of one kind or another, chick peas and beans are regularly used to bulk-up dishes or to serve on their own, such as in the widely known potaje de garbanzos y judías blancas (chick pea and bean soup). Other commonly used ingredients include potatoes, pumpkin, chestnuts, onions and bell peppers.

So, if you are one of the relatively few tourists or visitors to Extremadura, it is possible to find a broad spectrum of tastes in the cooking of regional spe-cialities. As you are sitting down to enjoy one of the rustic meals, moreover, you might even get the chance to hear spoken the distinctive language peculiar to Extremadura. Although it is related to the Leonese language to the north, Extremaduran is a seriously endangered tongue, spoken by just a handful of older inhabitants, but taught neither publicly nor privately. Instead, the official – and most widely spoken – language is Spanish, with several dialects of Portuguese being spoken in dif-ferent parts of the autonomous community. Once again, however, a number of these - now “foreign” – languages are in danger of dying out.

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Sting slams karaoke X Factor

STING has criticised the X Factor for being “a soap opera which has nothing to do with mu-sic”.

And the singer said judges like Simon Cowell have “no recognisable talent apart from self-pro-motion”.

Speaking to the Evening Standard, the former Police frontman said the ITV talent show was nothing more than “televised karaoke” and a “preposterous talent show” which has “put mu-sic back decades”.

He said: “I am sorry but none of those kids are going to go anywhere, and I say that sadly.

“The X Factor is a preposterous show and you have judges who have no recognisable talent apart from self-promotion, advising them what to wear and how to look. It is appalling.”

He said most of the contestants were left “humil-iated when they get sent off” and added: “How appalling for a young person to feel that rejec-tion. It is a soap opera which has nothing to do with music.

“The real shop floor for musical talent is pubs and clubs, that is where the original work is. But they are being closed down on a daily basis. It is impossible to put an act on in a pub. It has be-come too expensive through excessive regula-

tions.

“The music in-dustry has been hugely

important to England, bring-ing in millions. If anyone thinks

the X Factor is going to do that, they are wrong.”

U2 fined for being too loud

Fancy U2 being fined for noise pollution.

It is true folks. U2 were whacked a $52,000 fine for being too loud at the Dublin concert last July.

Dublin City Council slapped the fine of their very own favourite sons for 12 breaches over three nights.

Residents in the nearby area complained of dis-ruptions when the crew took about 44 hours to dismantle the stage.

Rihanna refuses $10,000 bottle of cham-pagne

Rihanna sent back a $10,000 bottle of cham-pagne because she didn’t know the people who had bought it for her.

The ‘Umbrella’ singer was partying at Los Angeles nightclub The Bank at Wonder-land when American Football Braylon Ed-wards and his team-mates sent the expen-sive drink over to her table.

However, Rihanna refused to accept the gift be-cause she had no idea who they were.

One partygoer said: “She didn’t know who they were, so she sent it back.”

While Rihanna is bought drinks when she goes 38 39

393938

out, Kiefer Sutherland buys his fans a beverage.

The ‘24’ actor stunned bar staff when he bought all of their customers a drink after he and some crew members of the hit US drama series popped into The Spot in San Pedro, California, after fin-ishing a shoot at seven in the morning.

According to an employee, Kiefer was enjoying scotch and cokes and decided to buy everyone in the venue - about 30 people - leaving him with a $500 bar bill.

He then gave staff an impressive $200 tip when he left.

Frankie Goes To HollywoodFrankie Say Greatest

Its 25 years since Frankie Goes To Hollywood first released ‘Relax’. Initially it was selling OK,

then Mike Reid took offence, and the rest is history. To celebrate this quarter century of controversy a defini-tive greatest hits album has been released. The collection includes all their hits (which actu-ally aren’t that many – a career built on half

a dozen tracks – impressive if you can get away with it!!), and does include some rare mixes, as well as some 2009 makeovers of ‘Relax’.

This collection does also include some rare tracks and b-sides which are more than padding; ‘Get It On’ and ‘Born to Run’ both work well with Frankie’s sound, and tracks like ‘Our Silver Turns to Gold’ are undiscovered gems.

With regards the mixes the 16 minute (yes really) Sex Mix of Relax is actually remarkably good, as is Scott Stoch’s heavier bassed and bpm’d mix. The 2009 Lockout mix of Relax is also a good up-dated version, with a modern feel to it, whereas Chicane’s version is perhaps a bit lazier.‘Rage Hard’ is also sounding great still; a travesty this didn’t score a higher chart position at the time.

This is a stunning collection. Whilst there have been various hits collections before this truly does seem definitive, and a true collection of surprise extras.

Alexandra BurkeOvercome

X-Factor winners always have a challenge after winning. The winning song is Xmas number 1, then oblivion for 9 – 10 months, following which we are supposed to all welcome them back, whilst at the same time concentrating on this year’s X-Factor

That said, Alexandra Burke has bounced back with a storming Number 1, with more than a leaning towards capturing the US market, both with the song and video. After all, Leona has been very successful in the US, and ultimately that’s where the big bucks are (literally).

Bad Boys is a competent single, but can ‘Over-come’ live up to both Alexandra’s X-Factor hype, and perhaps also Leona’s post X-Factor success? The answer is probably yes, as ‘Overcome’ is a very (very) polished album, with huge chunks of production ensuring it is a monster offering. Perhaps at times this is overdone, but ultimately ‘Overcome’ enables Alexandra to show case a variety of musical styles. ‘Good Night, Good morning’ adds a drum n bass beat, whilst ‘The Silence’, Gotta Go’ and ‘They Don’t Know’ head into Leona talent, and very competently at that. Alexandra does have a huge power ballad voice that works well especially on The Silence – fu-ture single?

‘Hallelujah’ is added at the end, and still sounds good, but Jeff Buckley still wins this one for me.

‘Overcome’ is a very competent album, and well worth the wait. Alexandra does have a great vo-cal range and style and has delivered some big tunes here. I think her success is assured for a few more years yet.

38 39

My daughter has just bought herself a T-shirt that has emblazoned across it “Christmas is the coolest season”. Once upon a time a majority of us would have agreed with her. True, there have always been Ebenezers for whom it is all just humbug; but most would have welcomed the “season of good cheer”. However all that has changed; is changing. Partly because of the rampant commercialism that has increasingly buried Christmas for a century or more. Partly because of the sickly-sweet sentimentalisation that has reduced the stark accounts of the nativity to a children’s fairy tale. Partly because of a rejection of Christianity as the pre-dominant belief-system in the West. Thus Christmas has become a season detached from it roots, adrift from its true meaning. A round of parties and spend-ing sprees looking for some justification. I certainly have no desire to see it imposed upon an unwilling public; but let’s not try to pretend that all along Christ-mas was really something else, be that yuletide, diwali, the winter solstice or some even more esoteric long forgotten but newly remembered festival. Neither do I make any apology for my celebrating, yes, really cel-ebrating Christmas. More years ago than I care to remember, whilst at uni, I read Thornton Wilder’s classic Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel The Bridge of the San Luis Rey. The plot is de-ceptively simple: on 20th July, 1714, “the finest bridge in all Peru” collapses and five people die. Brother Ju-niper, a Franciscan monk, happens to witness the tragedy, and as a result, he asks the central question of the novel: “Why did this happen to them?” He sets out to examine the lives of the five victims, in order to see if there was an identifiable reason why, specifi-cally, these five people died. When Wilder explained his reasons for writing the novel he said he wanted to explore the question, “Is there a direction and mean-ing in lives beyond the individual’s own will?”

The Coolest Season

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Probably the question I am asked more than any other as a Christian minister is, “How can there be a good God when there is so much suffering in the world?” Wilder’s novel was his personal attempt to delve into this basic human concern. Christmas has to be part of my personal attempt to answer that same question. Wilder didn’t have all of the answers. I don’t have all of the answers. But we have both seen that it just won’t do to look on life as a closed system of cause and ef-fect in which God is either a petty schoolmaster who minutely weights guilt against merit or an absentee deity who cares not a whit about his creatures.

So what has Christmas to do with collapsing bridg-es? Only this: the detail of the Christmas story is not the stuff of tinsel-town, rather it is the stuff of earthy, personal hardship and crisis. The Christian claim is outrageously bold – that God himself was so deeply affected by the landscape of human tragedy and suf-fering that he chose to get involved – personally. His point of entry was Christmas. Not with privilege and pomp nor yet super-powers and a safety net. Rather by being born into a simple, poor family of outcasts in a country occupied by an oppressive conqueror. Mud and manure, distress and deprivation, homelessness and hardship were the lot of this family and the per-spective on human life that God chose to enter and experience. He didn’t suspend the natural running of the universe; to do so would have made life an unpre-dictable lottery of unknowable outcomes that could only work in a cartoon fantasy world.

So although our world remains an arena of suffering and injustice, God, at least, is on our side. He knows and understands because he has been there. He knows the agony of injustice and exile, of bereavement and even that of losing a dearly beloved innocent child. As Wilder explained about his novel, God’s concern for people is more all-encompassing and powerful than any circumstance – however tragic it may be - and the wonder of Christmas is that it is God’s way of showing that he wants to be there for us – whatever it costs.

So I am looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my family; cards and presents, turkey and mince pies, mulled wine and Christmas pudding – none of these are the essence of Christmas, though I shall enjoy them all. The essence of Christmas is far more signifi-cant – we are not alone in a hostile universe; we are at home with a God who really does care enough to get involved, for that is who Jesus, the Christ, is. That’s who and what I’ll really celebrate this Christmas. May you and yours know the true joy of this season too.

Leslie Thomas

41

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

Three people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

Five people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

Eight people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.

Eighteen people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

Nineteen people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Thirty one people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

Fifty eight people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

One hundred and one people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

One hundred and forty two people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

Five hundred and forty three people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

It is estimated that 400,000 people become sick each year from eating tainted Christmas leftovers

The songs “Jingle Bells”, “Winter Wonderland”, and “Sleighride” have something in common - None of them mentions Christmas.

More diamonds are purchased at Christmas-time (31 per-cent) than during any other holiday or occasion during the year.

The movie “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (2000) fea-tures more than 52,000 Christmas lights, about 8,200 Christmas ornaments, and nearly 2,000 candy canes.

The poinsettia, traditionally a Christmas flower, originally grew in Mexico; where it was known as the “Flower of the Holy Night” and contrary to common belief, poinset-tia plants are non-toxic.

The first British monarch to broadcast a Christmas mes-sage to his people was King George V.

The Christmas tree displayed in Trafalgar square in Lon-don is an annual gift to the UK from Norway since 1947. The Norwegian spruce given is a token of appreciation of British friendship during World War II from the Nor-wegian people.

Every time a man kisses a girl under the mistletoe one of the berries is supposed to removed. Once all the berries are gone no more kisses may be claimed.

According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.

“Hot cockles” was a popular game at Christmas in medi-eval times. It was a game in which the other players took turns striking the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. “Hot cock-les” was still a Christmas pastime until the Victorian era.

After “A Christmas Carol,” Charles Dickens wrote several other Christmas stories, one each year, but none was as successful as the original.

In 1958 the No.1 song on Christmas Day was ‘The Chip-munk Song’ by David Seville (Ross Bagdasarian) as sung by Alvin, Simon and Theodore (the Three Chipmunks). No other Christmas song has ever been No.1in the U.S. on Christmas Day.

In 1377 at the Christmas feast of King Richard II of Eng-land, 28 oxen and 300 sheep were consumed.

The majority of families (90%) around the UK consider turkey a Christmas tradition. According to the British Tur-key Information Service, UK residents consumed 10 mil-lion turkeys in 2000 for Christmas, along with 25 million Christmas puddings, 250 million pints of beer and 35 mil-lion bottles of wine.

In ancient Rome, people hung decorative wreaths as sign of victory. The hanging of Christmas wreath seems to have derived from this. Denoting the victory of God over Satan with Jesus’ birth into the world.

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”was introduced in the Broadway musical “Meet Me in St. Louis”.

46

What are the odds of that?

47

50 51

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through España

Nothing was stirring, not even the caña;

The Spanish were all tucked up in their houses,

Except all the ones cheating on spouses;

The adults were stuffing themselves with meats,

While the kids all filled their faces with sweets;

With mama, papa, tio and tia,

Talking so loud that no-one could hear,

When out in the street they heard a tyre squeal,

The Grandson had arrived for the family meal.

The party began to get into full flow,

With huge servings of Galician Pulpo.

But out in the night something had stirred,

And the sound of speech, somewhat slurred,

Three men un-mounted each from their beast,

And headed towards the house with the feast,

The three were looking for a stable,

But were so pi**ed, they were not able.

A Star they’d followed and the reason they came,

They couldn’t remember and Melchior was to blame;

For it was he who suggested stopping for a beer,

And now they knew not why they were here.

It all seemed so simple as they entered the bar,

“How difficult can it be to follow a star?”

The TV was on and showing Barcelona,

Whilst Gaspar ordered the Whiskeys and Cola,

The voices were raised and the ref was a ba***rd,

As Baltasar, Gaspar and Melchior got plas-tered.

“Time to leave we have a job in hand”

Gasper said but could barely stand.

Melchior lit a fag and began to smoke,

Baltasar and Melchior did a line of coke.

“Now I remember why we came out!”,

Baltasar said with coke round his snout;

“To find the Messiah we must follow the star”,

“Problem is, don’t know where the f**k we are”.

“Can’t see a star for all this cloud”

Melchior exclaimed very loud!

“I have a solution I have my GPS”,

50 51

“All we need now is to enter the address”;

“The address for the Messiah, what a great idea”,

“Give us it here you bloody queer”,

And in the fight the GPS broke on the ground,

So how was the Messiah now to be found?

So Baltasar came up with a idea somewhat odd,

“We’ll wait till we see a sign from our God”;

They waited and waited and did another line,

And then a loud squeal, was that the sign?

“Been here an hour and not heard from God”,

Let’s go and follow the sound from that Quad;

They headed for the quad along a quite road,

And soon came across a brightly lit abode;

Talking and music could be heard from afar,

And dance music emanated from a nearby car.

They approached the house without trepida-tion,

After all, the Spanish are a friendly nation!!,

A rap on the door, brought the noise to an end,

And down to their knees did the 3 Kings descend,

Awaiting the chance to see the young child,

At the door a man appeared, somewhat riled.

“Baltasar said “We are hear on a quest and have followed the star ”

“No your not, I saw you, you were pi**ed in the bar”

“I’ll call my dogs if you don’t go away”

“So get you drunken ass off my land, Hombre”

Gaspar begged “Our quest is divine”

“Your talking crap because of the wine”

“We are the Magi with gifts of myrrh, frankin-cense and gold,

Of this great event we were foretold”

“Today is Christmas Eve ?” he said with regret “The 3 kings is the 5th you drunken muppet”

The secret of a successful Christmas is careful plan-ning.

I commenced Christmas preparations in July when I arranged to have a letter sent to my relatives informing them of my death. To avoid funeral attendance, the letter explained that I had succumbed to salmonella on a cross channel ferry and, for health and safety rea-sons, had been buried at sea.

This forestalled receipt of family Christmas cards, particularly those containing long, tedious, duplicated, personal chronologies of the year. It also excused me effort and expense on reciprocal Yuletide greetings. Critically, however, it prevented any pos-sibility of an invitation to spend Christmas day with family members.

As a pensioner living alone, invitations to be subjected to this annual, charitable, Christian ordeal are an ever present dan-ger. This is particularly true in my village where residents seem to have sworn a sol-emn oath that no person who lives alone shall ever have a nice, peaceful Christmas day.

It was to address this diabolic covenant that, from November, I began to inform neigh-bours that I would be spending Christmas one hundred miles away with my, nonexistent, Cousin Eric. Unfortunately, John and Mavis live in the adjoining semi, and sound passing through the connecting wall would have made it impossible to remain at home without their awareness.

John and Mavis are elderly and might not live much longer, so I initially considered hastening their demise. I concluded, however, that this would be fraught with difficulties: It would have to be executed at the last moment to avoid the possibility of new tenants arriv-ing before Christmas. I also feared that, due to my lack

of homicide experience, the police might be more than a match for my cunning. Finally, upon reflec-tion, murdering one’s neighbours

seemed somewhat contrary to the Christmas spirit.

Fortunately, these neighbours have a daughter in Australia who they had not seen for five years. The daughter was very grateful for my letter about the de-clining health of her parents and the suggestion that this might be the last opportunity to fly them to Australia for Christmas.

John and Mavis were delighted at this invitation, although unfortunately be-came aware of my part in its planning. They thanked me profusely and insisted that I join them for Christmas dinner next year. At least I have twelve months to carefully revisit my original plan.

So came Christmas Eve. I placed in my windows the life-sized photographs of my deserted rooms. I then reconstructed my living room in the back bedroom. In the fading light, I loaded a suitcase into my car and waved to several neighbours as I drove away.

The lock-up garage is just two miles away, so I soon concealed the car, donned my

black tracksuit and balaclava and returned home along footpaths.

Today is Christmas day. I got up late and didn’t bother to dress. I’ve had a brilliant traditional Christmas din-ner with all the trimmings but no effort due to Marks and Spencers and the microwave. I’ll wash up in Feb-ruary.

Now it’s time for the Queen’s speech. I won’t watch that tedious crap, of course. I think I’ll open my sec-ond wine box, have a fag and surf some more por-nography on the Internet.

Christmas is wonderful and need not be stressful. It’s all a question of planning.

Reproduced by kindpermission of Swan Morrisonwww.short-humour.org.uk

costa tropical news - december 2009

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