create a positive mental attitude: 10 practical steps · already knew: i cannot change the past. i...

Jamie Blume MPH, CNIP, IHNC | alongtheirway.com | [email protected]

Create a Positive Mental Attitude: 10 Practical Steps

Watching your child struggle, at any age, can trigger a stream of unwanted emotions. Feelings such as HELPLESSNESS, ANXIETY, GUILT, and SHAME can rush in, preoccupy your thoughts, and cause damage to your body. According to Robin Grille (“Parental Guilt: A Silent Epidemic,” The Natural Child Project) “Parents everywhere agonize in secret: ‘Where did I go wrong? Will my child be damaged because of what I did, or because of what I failed to do?’...and then there is that fleeting moment when you catch yourself wondering what your child will tell his or her therapist about you one day!” When the child is very young:

• A mom recounts feeling helpless and queasy leaving her 8-week old infant crying in the arms of a new caregiver.

• A father reveals how guilt consumed his entire being when a stranger interrupted his

phone call to alert him that his toddler, covered in scrapes, had fallen off a slide on which she should never have been climbing.

• A couple describes the surge of anxiety they experienced when the kindergarten teacher

explained that their 5-year old’s difficulties at school were because of dyslexia. When the child becomes a teen:

• A mom discloses how helplessness seized her body when she walked into her 15-year old’s room and saw (for the first time) scars and fresh cuts on her daughter’s thighs -physical signs of her daughter’s emotional pain.

• A dad recounts feelings of shame as he watched two strangers (“goons”) drive his 17-

year old son away toward a wilderness program that he hoped would save his son’s life.

Can you relate?

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MY STORY

I remember, as if it were yesterday, dropping my son at preschool. My 3-year old clung to my leg, hugging me, afraid to meet new kids. By the time I left the building, with my son still in tears, I was sweating, worried, and feeling helpless. Twelve short years later, that same boy who did not want to leave my arms, looked through me as if I was a stranger. High on drugs and lost deep within his own sadness, he cursed “F-you mom, if you send me away (for treatment), I will never, ever speak to you again!” Fearful for his safety AND flooded with a plethora of mixed emotions, my husband and I made the difficult choice to send him to a wilderness program. As the “goons” took him away, the familiar intensity of fear, guilt, and helplessness rushed through me as it did when he was three. Both times, among others, I created lists in

my head of all the things I had done wrong or failed to do right. Did I somehow contribute to my son’s pain and his social anxieties? Could I have prevented his drug use, his failing grades, his alienation from our family and his withdrawl from me? For years, I had helped so many parents with their children. Now, with my own, I felt helpless, lost, and very much alone. I had forgotten all of my training and instead, buried my mind in the past, kept to myself, and reveled in my failures. FINALLY, after several months, enough was enough. I drew from my academic knowledge, my own professional advice, and my personal experiences. I reminded myself of what I already knew:

I cannot change the past. I cannot predict the future. I cannot hold on to so much negativity. I am only harming myself and (indirectly) my family.

I can and WILL live in my today.

I found my own mentor, set up my own wellness protocol, and drew strength from my community. And then, after some hard work, I returned to my healthy lifestyle and quiet mind.


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https://www.alongtheirway.com/holistic-wellness-coaching/

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What is the difference between these emotions, anyway?

ANXIETY: Anxiety is an emotional state of worry or unease, typically about something with an unknown outcome. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, (“Understanding Anxiety Disorders,” March 2016) “occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. Chronic stress makes it difficult to control anxiety and stay focused on daily tasks.” Severe stress can cause physical issues such as nausea, accelerated heart rate, and shortness of breath. Even mild anxiety may result in emotional changes, such as panic attacks and detachment from ourselves and others. GUILT: According to Neel Burton, M.D., (“What’s the Difference Between Guilt and Shame,” Psychology Today, March 16, 2017) Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense…whether real or imagined. Guilt focuses on behavior. I did something bad. Many of us replay these behaviors over and over in our minds, continually blaming and judging ourselves. SHAME: In “Shame v. Guilt,” Brené Brown (January 14, 2013) defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed...something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Shame focuses on the self. I am bad. If left to fester, shame can drive self-destructive behaviors, such as addiction, violence, aggression, and avoidance. Unfortunately, these behaviors typically lead to more shame. Therefore, getting out of the shame cycle can be difficult. GUILT VS. SHAME: The main difference between guilt and shame affects how we feel and how we interact with others. According to Brown, when we feel guilty, we say “I am sorry. I made a mistake.” With shame, however, we say “I am sorry. I am a mistake.” It is easy to take the blame and beat ourselves up when our children flounder. It is even easier to fall into an endless cycle of negative emotions—round and round and round. STUCK.



So, how do you change your story and let go of these feelings of negativity and sadness?

These emotions, with perhaps a sprinkle of anger, resentment, fear, and grief can sap our energy, destroy our relationships, keep us stuck in our story, and make us unable to move forward. Over time, this negativity and constant stress can wreak havoc on our health and normal bodily functions, such as digestion, detoxification, immunity, brain function, weight control, and sleep. All of this can lead to a pervasive feeling of helplessness, as we no longer feel able to help our troubled teen.

Psychologist Tara Brach, Author of “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha” suggests that:

“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”

The Ten TIPS 1. Observe and Acknowledge Your Emotions: Although I am a huge believer in the role positivity plays in our lives, I cannot understand the advice of many to simply replace negative thoughts with positive ones. It is almost impossible to shut out all negativity from entering your mind, especially disparaging stories that you have be replaying over and over. In fact, have you noticed that the more you try NOT to think about something, the more it seems to enter into your thoughts? So instead, let in all thoughts—the optimistic and the defeatist ones! Try to sit with any any and all feelings that arise with the intention of shifting your patterns away from negative self-talk and judgment to a new pattern of empathy of self-forgiveness. This is a goal and no easy task so, please, experiment without judgment. It is our perspective of these negative thoughts that we want to shift, not the thoughts themselves.



When a self-affirming thought comes in, notice your mental views of the thought and how your body responded. Did your shoulders release away from your ears? Did a smile come to your face? Did your jaw relax? Try, without judgment, to give the same attention when a negative thought arises. Did you clench your jaw or your fists? Did butterflies start swirling in your gut? Did your back muscles tighten? Were either of these thoughts associated with actions or behaviors that you had, or had not, done? For the non-serving emotions, ask yourself if you could act differently the next time. And, if so, would your feelings around that action also change? Over time, see if you can begin to shift your perspective about these thoughts from reactor to observer.

2. Write It Down: Journal every day or as often as feels good. Although journaling may seem intimidating at first, it can be quite soothing and helpful. According to Robin S. Sharma, one of the top-5 leadership experts in the world and author of The Leader Who Had No Title, “writing in a journal reminds you of your goals and of your learning in life. It offers a place where you can hold a deliberate, thoughtful conversation with yourself.” Use the exercise of observing and acknowledging your emotions in tip #1 above as a starting point. Jot down examples of moments and associated feelings. Also, you can use your journal too. Use your journal to recount events or free-write thoughts and ideas that come into your mind. Periodically going back and re-reading what you have written can be quite eye-opening.

3. Meditate or sit still with mindfulness: Pick a quiet spot, preferably with little distractions, and take a seat. You can sit anywhere that is comfortable and allows your spine to be long, your head to be raised toward the sky, and your feet or sit bones to be planted on the ground. Take a few moments to move your body. Without judgment, notice areas in your body that feel uncomfortable or strained. Move around a bit more and settle in. Feel the earth supporting you. Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths and slowly let them out. With each inhale, allow free thought. With each exhale, let something go. Return to normal breathing.



A suggestion, if it speaks to you… picture yourself sitting on a blanket of soft grass with a river flowing in front of you. Maybe you can smell the scent of the morning dew, hear the trickle of water flowing over the rocks, and feel the soft breeze against your cheek. Allow any, and all, thoughts to enter your mind. Be aware of your thoughts without judgment. With each new thought, observe it, and then, mentally “place” the thought on the river and watch it float away. Return back to your intention and allow the next thought to enter. Feel free to conjure up your own image, or none at all. The practice of observing your thought, without judgment, and releasing it is most important.

4. Breathe: Take time out every day to breathe. I realize our bodies are designed to breathe automatically but stress and restlessness can make it hard to take in a full, deep breath. When we are consumed with worry, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, and we go into “fight or flight” mode, as if we were being chased by a bear. To conserve energy, our breathing becomes short and shallow. With chronic stress, our bodies have a harder time resetting our nervous system to the parasympathetic “rest and digest” mode. Deep, slow breathing has been proven to lead to improved energy, cleaner lungs, and overall reduced anxiety. Put a reminder on your calendar to take time out for breath work three to five times throughout the day. If possible, find a comfortable place to sit away from distractions. Take a few moments to feel areas in your body that are tight, uncomfortable, or strained. Stretch and move a bit until you feel more settled. Feel the ground supporting you. Close your eyes. Place one hand, palm spread wide and slightly pressed on your belly and the other hand slightly pressed against your chest. Breathe naturally. Notice if you feel your breath in your chest, your belly, or even your throat. Have no judgement, only awareness. This may feel counterintuitive. The goal for each breathing session is to breathe into your belly five to ten rounds. This is a goal. No judgment.



5. What is Your Story: What is the narrative you are telling yourself about your child’s struggles, the past, the future? Is your description realistic? Are you stuck in the “what ifs” and “if only?” When my son left for wilderness, many of the chapters of my story were misrepresentations of reality. One chapter, I could title “Lost Moments,” imagined all the things he (and I) would miss out on experiencing, such as high school prom, leading his lacrosse team to victory, and family ski vacations. But the “movie” I imagined was just that—a movie. Even if he had been home, my fantasy-land story would not be happening. He wasn’t reaching out for a hug; he was not even coming out of his room most days. Family time had become forced and full of arguing. And prom, he would probably not be going anyway. If our story keeps us anchored in the past, or in destructive thought patterns, we remain stuck in a world filled with regret and sadness. We assume the stress of trying to live the unattainable, to control that which is out of our control, and to require perfection in an imperfect world. Or worse, we attempt to live up to someone else’s version of our life. By revising your story, you open yourself to forgiveness and self-acceptance, and you let go of an unchangeable past and unclear path ahead. You begin, instead, to embrace the present moments of your actual story, the one you are living right now, today.

6. Get outside and move: Nature calms, cleanses, and nourishes us. Simply going outside can change our perspective and increase our mood. When we exercise, our body releases endorphins that act like “happy pills” to provide us a natural jolt of energy and joy. Exercising outside gives you a double dose of natural positivity.

7. Be Grateful: It is easy to feel grateful when life is going well and according to plan. Finding thanks when the road is hard and bumpy can be more challenging but equally, if not more, rewarding. Having gratitude in the small moments of today can begin to create peace from within, inspire happiness, and initiate a new dialogue full of hope.

Keeping a gratitude diary and performing acts of kindness have been shown to help us focus on, and appreciate, little things when our days seem filled with sadness and distress. Keeping a gratitude diary only takes a few minutes. Write five things that happened in your day for which you can give thanks. I keep my journal next to my nightstand and write just before I go to sleep to allow the positive thoughts to sink in overnight.



Upon awaking, I put in writing three acts of kindness I plan to accomplish that day. These good deeds can be toward others or yourself. Generosity not only makes us feel good but also releases mood-boosting hormones in the brain.

8. Make healthy living part of your current autobiography: A happy body leads to a happier mind. Examine your recent choices around food, movement, spirituality and connections. Where can you make improvements to nourish and feed your mind, body, and soul?

9. Join a Community: Parents, myself included, love to share the accomplishments of their children. How many times, with a smile the size of your face, have you told a friend, a family member, or even a complete stranger something awesome your child had achieved? Hundreds of times? And how many times have you told someone about your child’s challenges, disappointments, or failures? Maybe some, but definitely not with a smile and probably not hundreds of times. It is in these moments, however, that we benefit from sharing and receiving support, friendship, and guidance. Many parents keep the negative stuff to themselves for many reasons, such as out of guilt and embarrassment as well as for fear of judgment, retaliation, and gossip. Sharing your story allows you to shed feelings of isolation, and potentially communicate with those who have walked in similar shoes and understand what you are going through. Opening up to others can help you release tension, grief and suffering. Sharing can make the story you are actually living become the “what is.” Sharing also invites others to open up to you (look at the #metoo movement). Reach out to a trusted friend, a family member, a professional counselor, a faith leader, or a mentor.

10. Try and Try Again: True healing, along with permanent shifts of perspective and outlook come from instituting (and sticking with) new habits of thought and feeling. To truly stop the persistent self-chatter, let go of the negativity surrounding yourself and your past, and let in hope, optimism, and the possibility of joy, takes practice and accountability. Much like the help of a fitness trainer for implementing a new exercise regime, it is advantageous to have a co-traveler support you through the day-to-day challenges, emotions, and setbacks. A mentor can provide accountability, inspiration, and guidance.



Are you ready to make a mind shift?

Does all this sound great, but you are still concerned about your teen or young adult and don’t know where to turn for help? Is your child safe and away in treatment, but you feel like you can’t seem to get back on track? Is your teen about to re-enter your family? Does stepping away from your daily stresses, rejuvenating in nature’s fresh air, and connecting with a community of other parents on similar paths sound enticing?

If so…

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE FREE CONSULTATION Once you’ve scheduled, you will receive a confirmation email. If you need to cancel or reschedule your appointment, you may do so via the link in the confirmation email. I will call you at your scheduled time at the number you provide.

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create a positive mental attitude: 10 practical steps · already knew: i cannot change the past. i...

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