T H E S N E A K Y V I K I N G

The Student Newspaper of East Lyme High School (woot woot) East Lyme, Connecticut

Volume XLIEdition 15

April 1, 2008

C S P A G o l d M e d a l i s tSaga The moment of truth has come. Who will claim the title? Answered with a roar from the crowd, underdog junior Kate Citron won the tournament with an unexpected royal fl ush. With excitement from all participants, the two-day poker tournament sponsored by the freshman class in late March was a huge success. Though unpublicized, the event took place in the INTV room and was broadcast on Channel 19 on

An old wooden table in A225 provides the best playing surface for a competitive showdown between freshmen Sara Boike, Raj Thanabel, Mike Brousseau and Tyler Imbriaco. This poker craze has swept through the freshmen class, as crowds of them can be seen sneaking off into the darkest corners of the school (i.e. the stairwells at lunch) to fulfi ll their craving for the dirty game of poker. It just so happens their algebra and geometry classes aid them greatly in art of gambling away their lunch money and weekly allowance all in support of their class.

Royal Flush for FreshmenSaturday, March 15th and Sunday, March 16th. The winner walked away with a gift certifi cate to East Lyme Pizza and bragging rights. “It was really a collaborative idea to hold the tournament,” states freshman class president Chris Kohanski. “Having it telecast was just a way we thought the community couldget involved.” With the unusual support of the administration, the freshman class went ahead with plans and raised over $400 along with three watches and an engraved pen of an esteemed faculty player.

INTHISEDITION

Mr. Bagos as New School Principal

Page 4

New AP Final Exam: Memorize

150 lines of BeowulfPage 3

Your MomPage 9

Playboy PlaymatesMovie Review

Page 11

Converse All-Stars Required for All

P.E. ClassesPage 7

Violence, Intrigue and a Mighty Fine Physique

Dirty, sexy money. It controls politics, sports, entertainment, underground cockfi ghting gangs and your high school. Or at least, the senior class. It is no secret that the great Class of ’08 has bundles of cash at

its disposal which is undoubtedly being used for such devious plans as Hannah Montana concert extravaganzas and a mysterious exotic tribal tradition known as “the prom.” What is a secret, however, is how the snide seniors achieved this economic prosperity. Disclaimer: The Saga is not responsible for any hangnails, heart attacks or

spontaneous combustion that may result from the shock that you are surely about to face from the telling of this tale. Richard Connell, the four-time treasurer for the clas of 2008 and cult hero in the Democratic Republic of Congo, was able to use his connections to Richard Nixon (same fi rst name. this is powerful stuff,

people), Bill Bellichick, and Marvin the Martian to gain access to Roger Clemens’ personal stash of anabolic steroids and HGH several years ago. Juicing is a rich business, and Connell was able to sell the goods for huge profi ts, which were directly transferred into the Class of2008’s coffers.(See Scandal page 43)

The dark secret behind the Class of 2008’s wealth

by Brendan Welch

Poker tournament held by freshman classas fundraiser

by Hannah Barner

Stef, remember to insert that stupid viking helmet here

J. Beale/Saga

The Viking Saga The Best Section Ever! April 1, 2108

Page ;-)

O u r Tw o C e n t s a r e F a b :

In lieu of all of the silly grievances students (especially seniors) make about ELHS, I think it is about time that we pay tribute to the school that has provided for us, sheltered us and expanded our minds for six wholesome hours a day. For my share of the honoring, I have compiled the Five Things I Love About East Lyme High School:

1) Our cafeteria – There is no better way to work up an appetite than to scrounge a chair from an unsuspecting freshman. After much physical labor, you can go fi ll up on a variety of grease-dripping appetizers such as French fries and mozzarella sticks…then wash it down with a nice, big slushy. And the best part about it is, you get to go to class with a blue/red/orange tongue so that everyone will know what you got for lunch!

2) The bathrooms – Now equipped with foamy soap, the A-wing bathrooms do nothing less than pamper us during our restroom breaks. I ALWAYS go in to get the best motivation to hit the gym after

I am sick of all of this right-wing conservative crap! Those crazy, religious-right from the south and the homosexual-hating hillbillies out west—they just don’t know what they are talking about. I would like to annouce that I am now a proud and offi cial member of the blue team.

One great thing about being a donkey is supporting the presidential HOPEful Barack Obama. His good looks and stunning features far outweigh any lack of experience or plagiarism problems he may have.

As a youth voter, I am particularly interested in having a president who has made mistakes in the past, who has “led the force” in his committee without going to any meetings and has openly admitted to experimenting with hard drugs.

Liberalism has also revolutionized the way I think about the economy. I am in full support of giving taxpayers’ dollars to those who do not pay taxes, and may be unemployed in

order to “stimulate” the economy. You wouldn’t want to give money back to those who actually paid the brunt of the money in the fi rst place—because who knows, they might do something silly, likesave it!

As for the war, I am in full support of bringing the troops home immediately, causing the entire country of Iraq to collapse and fall under the rule of radical militant groups. Then we can pump millions of more troops back into a volatile environment months later. The plan is solid!

To top it all off, I have become quite in touch with my true humanitarian. I have found humility in political prisoners. In fact, I believe that criminals are people too and should be forgiven (without a religious connotation, you would not want to be offensive) for their actions. Therefore, not only am I against torture and capital punishment, but punishment of any kind. Even a short jail sentence seems a bit too harsh.

To complete my newfound respect for the Democratic Party, I am in full support of a larger government, increased federal spending, a national debt that digs us into a hole that skims the core of the earth and accepting campaign funds from any and all international criminalsor fugitives.

As a staunch liberal, I cannot wait to go out, fi nd a group of hippies and join in protest against anything where I get to scream and shout while holding a peace sign high in the air.

God (or any other mono/polytheistic idol) bless America!

school. No matter how good I think I look, the odd lighting and unfl attering atmosphere brings me back to reality.

3) The paper-mâché man sitting in a chair – That guy never fails to fool me as I round the corner of the offi ce and ponder, “Who is that kid sitting in the chair all by himself? Maybe I should go talk to him…” Brings a smile to my face every time.

4) A225 – (a.k.a. Saga Central) is strategically located at the furthest point from the senior parking lot possible, because it is just not enough for Stef’s and my car to be the last ones on site as we stumble out of the school dizzy from staring at InDesign pages.

5)The library – They have taken brilliant strides toward becoming ecology-friendly by sneakily changing the settings on the printer so that the paper prints double-sided. So what if it is my Warykas term paper or my senior proposal (both worth half my fourth quarter grade). My grade may drop, but I feel good knowing that I helped save a tree.

I could honestly go on forever about all the things I love about the wonderful home of the Vikings. If by any chance the reasons for ELHS’s excellence slip through your mind, just refer to my aforementioned Five Things I Love About East Lyme High School, which will be published in the yearbook as well. Or, take a glance up at the banner hanging in the Commons. It may be hard to read because the font is a little small, but it says: “SILVER MEDALIST.” That pretty much sums it up, we are the crème de la crème.

A Day in the Life of the

Editors-in-Chief

OKAY!hey val, what do you want to put

in the saga?

i don’t know... let’s go on facebook!

The Viking Saga The Best Section Ever! April 1, 2108

Page 3

Alex Adam’s AppleHannah Barnyard

Kitten BrownAndrea Crunk

Ryann Folk SongMatthew HeathbarEllie Clean hands

Amy LiptonEmily Fig NewtonRamona Ostrich

B. Welch’s Grape Juice

Th

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Dave Cannamela &Cameron Gerbers

Editors-in-ChiefJohn MortonNews Editor

Carmel LynnFeatures Editor

Ryan FosterEntertainment EditorElizabeth Sullivan

Sports EditorJon Elia

Featured IllustratorJames Warykas

AdvisorChris WorgulSaga GroupieF

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Wri

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Have an opinion?Send your letters, questions

and comments to The Viking Saga at:

elhsvikingsaga@gmail.com

Something to puzzle over...

Need a Babysitter?

He can HANDLE it!Mr. Handler will be offering free child

services for the day.Please drop off any spare or unruly

children at his offi ce.

Photo Submitted/Redding

See any familiar faces?

The Saga will award free movie tickets to anyone who can identify Ms. Maddock at her senior prom back in the day. Turn your answers in to the Math department offi ce!

Watch Out! Our eyes are everywhere!

Look foward to an upcoming edition of Snagged!

Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down!

The soda machines will be returning to ELHS!

To help defray the cost of the new fl oor in the gym, ELHS administrators have decided to reinstate the sale of soda in

the commons.

The new school policy prohibiting fl ip fl ops!

Just in time for spring, the administration has decided to ban the most popular footwear in the school, wary of safety after a dangerous fl ip-

fl op accident last year. No fair!

Photo Submitted

(Continued from front page) “It was Mr. Sandford’s idea, I swear!” Connell insists. “We were able to supply them to the entire New England Patriots football team in exchange for millions.” Forget the espionage, it seems that we have fi nally found the true reason such an incompetent and bogus franchise could win three Super Bowls. An anonymous source named Jim Barnes, reportedly close to the Class of 2008, revealed the entire operation to the noble reporters of the Saga. It seems that almost the entire administration was in on the crimes. “Why do you think Mr. Roberts closed down the bathrooms?” asks Barnes. “He knew you were on to him. That was where they did all the dirty work, and as such a heinous criminal, he wanted to cover his tracks.” “It was all Mr. Roberts’ idea, I swear!”

insists Mr. Sandford. “He made us sell them to the football team in 2004. How else could they manage win a state championship?” The FBI, IRS, and DMV are currently investigating these allegations. Political giants have not held back from commenting on the situation. “I for one am just glad that the Viking

Page 4, 678

Last Friday, the Hartford Police called in the help of East Lyme High School’s own Karim Dib-Hajj, John K le inhans , D e r e k J o h n s o n , M a r y Cunningham, Chris Seery and Alyssa Northcut to help in the trial of James F i n o l i ’ s m u r d e r .F i n o l i ’ s murder bares an uncanny resemblance to the in the mock trial case in the murder of Alex Day committed by Casey Neffl en. Although the Neffl en case is still court, the similarity was too much to overlook. While Ms. Rose Ann Hardy’s Contemporary Issues students have been working to prepare a “fi ctional case” to bring before a pannel of judges to show off their understanding of the legal system, a violent copy-cat, as it appears

Murder Me in the FirstELHS’s promising young students help out with the biggest murder investigation of the year

by Ryann Foulke

has struck an actual victim with a very simmilar modus operandi (or the method of

operation). All too quickly, the students’ fantacy case b e c a m e a reality. Casey Neffl en was the prosecutor in the Bigilini court case held against the we l l -known crime family. When he lost the case to

Alex Day due to sloppiness, he went to a bar, had a few drinks and returned home to fi nd out that Day had allegedly molested his daughter weeks prior. After this traumatic experience he is said to have left his house and murdered Day with a butcher knife. Neffl en is pleading temporary insanity, while the prosecution is saying that he was in his right mind at the time of the crime. In the recent East Lyme murder case,

Saga is gracious enough to leave out that part about my little escapade with the lobbyist in the stall at the steroid operation headquarters,” said Arizona senator John McCain. The earth-shattering case is expected to reach a resolution within the next six hundred years.

Finoli, another corrupt defense attorney, who formerly represented the Donnelly crime syndicate. He too was viciously murdered with a butcher knife, of the same make as the one used by Neffl en. These alarming coincidences have brought police to the conclusion that there is more to these two crimes than meets the eye. At a press conference held on Wednesday, the Chief of Police said, “This murder has led our detectives to believe that there is a very meticulous, vigilante copycat.” The juniors and seniors of the Contemporary Issues class have so much knowledge of the case the police felt that it would be unwise not to use them and their experience with the subject. The students have, so far, been able to help the investigators with the murder weapon and the motive behind this imitator attack. With the crime scenes almost identical, the detectives are starting to feel that it was an inside job. They believe that only one of the students or the teacher who made up the crime would have that much knowledge on the subject. No arrests have been made in regard to the murder, but there are a few civilians under police surveillance.

The Saga was able to snag a secret interaction between Connell and Sandford

J. Kleinhans/Saga

Prosecuting attorney Christopher Seery practices for the real trial on senior Vera Soloman.

J. Kleinhans/Saga

John Kleinhans Times Conservative News July 4th,2008

It always was the motto of the tortoise that slow and steady would win the race but in the case of East Lyme High School’s North Gym r e n o v a t i o n s , everyone would love a quick fi x. Due to recent events slow and steady is the only way to go. On March 20th, the famous Ranger Roger’s Traveling Reptiles paid a visit to Flanders’ Elementary School for an assembly. “When we do shows for younger audiences we usually keep the big animals in the truck,” says reptile trainer Willam Black. One of these big animals happens to be Jessica, an endangered 1600 lb. tortoise. During the school’s assembly, Jessica somehow wandered out of her cage and off the truck. She eventually walked straight through the open door of the high school’s North Gym. That afternoon Jessica startled some of the workers when they came in and saw her sitting beneath the fl oors frame. “We were going to try to move her, but she seemed very defensive,” says head of construction Ralph Webber. This is due to the fact that she chose the North Gym as a place to lay three eggs.

Page 55

John Kleinhans Times Rap City The Best Day Ever

Here: One of the most infamous clubs at East Lyme High School, the Chess Team, commonly known as the “Rookmasters,” are trying to recruit new members for their 2008-2009 season. The club has done considerably well over the course of the last ten years, with a championship team just about every year. They are determined to keep that record going after last year’s decade win. There is a problem though: the new regulations set forth in the Supreme Court Case Simon v. Chase require a specifi c dance to be accompanied with each move. This provides diffi cultly for the current team since everyone has two left feet. As a result, they are recruiting dancers of all styles and fl avors, with a preference towards hip-hop and Latin dancing. Open auditions will be in Ms. Johansen’s room during Block D or by request.

There: Due to all of the controversy over elections, ELHS has made the decision to stop having a student senate. “It’s just too much work and a lot of the kids don’t want to be there,” says junior senate advisor Michelle Dean. Now, there will be a group of teacher advisors, consisting of gym teachers Rudy Bagos and Jeff Handler, Consumer Education teacher Linda Foote, and English teacher Scott Mahon who will make all of the decisions for all of the classes. This will make a less controversial and give the teachers and students alike what they really want.

Everywhere: In Australia, kangaroos have recently checked out of their marsupial habitat on land in favor of a more aquatic lifestyle. Over the course of history, kangas have been notorious for living on land with roos in their pouch. Now, due to global warming, the kangaroos are too warm and must go in the water to cool down, which is now easy for them because melted ice caps have extended the shore all the way to the outback. As with any change of this magnitude, problems have erupted with the food chain. Now fi sh think that kangaroos are dinosaurs. This brings them back to their earlier stages, and as a result, many fi sh have gone into hiding. The entire world may soon end because of these selfi sh fi sh.

Shell-Shocked!The astonishing truth about the North Gym renovations

by Matt Heath

“Legally Jessica is unable to be moved from whereever she has chosen her nesting ground to be,” says Black. Because Jessica is endangered, federal wildlife laws have kept her from being moved, and are holding up the North Gym’s renovation work.

“We’re trying to keep the existence of Jessica on the down low,” says Principal Lawrence Roberts. “I feel that if the students are aware of her, classes will be continuously disrupted.” “I’ve been wondering why they have been covering the windows in the gym,” says freshman Shane Davies. School has remained in progress during this incident because Jessica is both safe and approachable. PE teacher Jeff Handler has been placed in charge of visitation rights for Jessica. “Anyone who wants to see this mama has to go through me,” warns Handler. There is a price to be paid for all of the excitement of this temporary addition to the ELHS family. The average tortoise egg takes about two years to hatch. Since Jessica won’t be gone for a long, long time, our North Gym’s construction will be held up yet again.

Upcoming Parties in East LymeApril 2: East Lyme High School will be holding a press conference to announce Rose Ann Hardy’s run for the 2nd district Congressional seat, as a Republican.

J. Kleinhans/Saga

May 5: In honor of Stef Felitto’s birthday, Barack Obama will be coming to visit East Lyme High School.

June 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6: Offi cial senior skip days! See you at the beach!

May 10: The juniors will be having their prom in the Commons! Feel free to come and watch as they waltz into the entryway decked out in their fi nest duds.

June 26: The seniors are fi nally graduating! Due to the massive amount of snow days, holidays and anticipated senior skip days, the date was pushed back!

May 7: Any and all AP tests scheduled for this date have been cancelled. You de-serve the time off!

Pregnancy Scare!!by Emily Newton

The new addition to the North Gym

The Siking Vaga Features April Fools!

Page 6

East Lyme High School was shocked this year with the news that two of its long-time favorite staff members, science teacher Peter Carleton and principal Lawrence Roberts, were retiring. “I cried for hours,” admitted junior Rachel Hutchins. “Doc. C is such an inspiration. I’ve always wanted to create an indestructible plastic, just like him!” Though rumors have been circulating pertaining to their post-retirement plans–it was believed that Dr. Carleton would retreat to a friend’s farm and rumored that Mr. Roberts would take it easy for a while–breaking news has been released to the press that challenged these alibis. Dr.

Carleton and Mr. Roberts will soon embark on an adventure even more challenging than teaching chemistry or heading the administration at one of the United States’ top 500 schools. “It started out as a dare, it really did,” Mr. Roberts confessed. “Ms. Rand suggested we apply as a joke, and before you knew it, one thing just led to another!” “We never thought we’d have what they’re looking for,” said Dr. Carleton. No, the two are not upcoming contestants on “America’s Next Top

Model.” After a long and grueling investigation that took Saga reporters to some of the shadiest parts of East Lyme, it was discovered that the two will be competing on the next season of “The Amazing Race,” which takes place in Antarctica. “We’ve been training for months,” Roberts said. “I’m actually surprised no one found out earlier! Mr. Biggs helped us train, Mr. Place gave us lessons on how to use a GPS, and Mr. Hine enlightened us with his vast knowledge of Antarctic terrain.” With brains and brawn aplenty, the final step was to contact CBS and formally accept the challenge. “I just looked at Peter and said, ‘You know what? We should quit our jobs and go to Antarctica!’ Then we told CBS ‘Yes!’ and that was that,” said Mr. Roberts. “I’m not usually one for rash decisions,” admits Dr. Carleton. “But there was no stopping me once I bought a new pair of Uggs just for the trip,” he said, modeling his new, furry footwear. “These

are bound to keep my toes nice and toasty in that frigid Antarctic weather!” “With those fuzzy friends, they’re bound to win,” said history teacher Matt LaConti with a smirk. Junior KC Veitch seemed to agree, “I’ll definitely be rooting for them; they have a great chance of winning! To be honest, I’m

not surprised they’re going to be on TV. I always thought Doc. C would be great on reality TV!” Whether $1,000,000 ends up in Dr. Carleton’s and Mr. Roberts’ pockets or not, the journey will definitely be one to remember. Who knows where it will take them. We’ll just have to watch and find out. “The Amazing Race: Antarctica” premieres April 1 on Lifetime–Television for Women.

“It started out as a dare. Ms. Rand suggested we apply as a joke, and before you knew it, one thing

just led to another!”

-Principal Lawrence Roberts

Two Amazing Men, One Amazing RaceDr. Carleton and Mr. Roberts take the trip of a lifetime

by Kit Brown

Now For Sale in the Commons:

Condoms available at the Viking Vault!

$1 for one, $2 for three.

Available in four colors.

Mr. Roberts and Dr. Carleton are pumped up for their grand adventure

K. Brown / Saga

Page 7

The Siking Vaga Features April Fools!

(Poker continued from Front Page) “With all the negativity in the media about East Lyme in recent years, we thought we would show a different side of the educational, mature environment that surrounds ELHS,” explains ELHS principal Lawrence Roberts. Roberts and the administration support the fundraiser wholeheartedly. The turnout for the event was incredible with about 65 members of the high school participating, including staff, students and even administrators. Security director James Barnes and assistant principal Jeffrey Provost were among the participating faculty.

If you have seen a man with vibrant Crocs wheeling a grocery cart of books down the halls of East Lyme High School, you may have found him a bit peculiar. Yet, beneath the vivid apparel lies the story of English teacher James Buchan, an interesting individual with a fascinating story. Although his colorful shoes may seem like your typical everyday footwear, there is more than what meets the eye. “Buchan wears a new pair of Crocs everyday! There has to be a reason why the man owns so many rubber gardening shoes,” exclaims junior Rachel Lyon. In reality, Mr. Buchan has been teaching part-time at ELHS for three years because it is diffi cult to teach full -time and work for one of television’s most widely viewed, Croc-sponsored shows. Before he began teaching at East Lyme, Mr. Buchan worked on set for ESPN’s Sports-= Center, where he still continues to work, around his ELHS schedule. “It took him over a month to grade our

papers. He claimed it’s because he has ‘other priorities,’” explains Buchan’s former student, sophomore Cameron Gebhard. As an anchor at Sports Center, Mr. Buchan must devote most of his time to working on

set. The show is sponsored by Crocs, so naturally, every cast and crew member of

the popular television show wears these shoes on an everyday basis; but viewers cannot see the footwear because the

broadcasters hide their feet behind the desk.

Mr. Buchan is no different. In fact, he is even more

enthusiastic than

his co-workers about the rubber product. Even after taking on his second job at ELHS, Mr. Buchan still fi nds it necessary to support the company. “More funds are donated to Sports Center for every pair of Crocs purchased, and

I know that wearing them in a public environment is defi nitely going to infl uence somebody,” explains Mr. Buchan. Apparently, these advertising tactics are

working to his advantage, as many students and faculty at ELHS are beginning to wear Crocs. History teacher Chris Sandford explains that when he had his ingrown toenail

removed, he wore a pair of black Crocs because they were a “healthy necessity,” but in reality, his claim was merely a cover up for his Croc enthusiasm. As a result of Mr. Buchan’s hard work and devotion as a Croc model, the Croc Company is designing the “Jimmy B Croc” in his honor.

The newly designed shoe will be printed with Mr. Buchan’s favorite design: Hawaiian palm trees and tropical fl owers. The Jimmy B Croc will be available in stores in late April for only $59.99. In the near future, Mr. Buchan hopes to continue his Croc modeling and maintain both jobs. He says that by staying committed to his current status, he will have something to refl ect upon in his old age, while he sits on his front porch with his bright and colorful gardening shoes, which he will fi nally be able to use properly.

Beginning early Saturday morning, there were seven different games going at the same time. The winners from each of those games went to the championship round the following morning. Though only fi ve students and two teachers were in the Sunday game, more than half of the participants from the previous day came to see who won the winning hand. “Oh, come on, he pulled that card out of his sleeve!” exclaimed senior Lily Cole-Chu, as her hand was beat by fellow senior Mike Boucher.

Security issues came into play as accusations between students began to fl y out

of the mouths of sore losers. In addition to the scuffl e between Cole-Chu and Boucher, there were a total of seven accusations, only one of which was proven true as Barnes found cards taped under a table.

Overall, the success of the poker tournament will not likely be matched by other fundraisers, as 75 students are already waiting to sign up for the next one. “I know I’ll defi nitely be the fi rst on that list,” states Citron about a possible future tournament. Look out for the next tournament to see who can take down the defending junior champion.

Behind the CrocsThe true story of James Buchan’s Crocs and part-time teaching job

by Amy Li

“Buchan wears a new pair of Crocs everyday! There has to be a reason why the man owns so many rubber gardening

shoes.”-junior Rachel Lyon

K. W

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The Viking Saga Red Sox February 31, 2008

Page 9

A new sport requiring quick hands and devotion is being offered at ELHS

by Amy Li Junior Reed McFarland sits in the commons surrounded by his closest friends as they clap their hands together and sing along to the beat. The beat quickly speeds up and competition rises within the small circle. Although this gathering may look like an innocent game of patty cake, it is not. This year at East Lyme High School, a new spring sport is being offered to students in all grades. The Patty Cake Team, or as captain Reed McFarland likes to call it “the Patty Cake Squad,” is the brainchild of McFarland, who was once the National Patty Cake Champion. Having competed at a state level, McFarland felt that it would be “cool to have the same type of competition at school.” After receiving permission from Principal Lawrence Roberts to create a team exclusively dedicated to playing the game, McFarland

Patty Cake, Patty Cakeand his fellow teammates began practice on Marc 17. While this spring may be the team’s

fi rst year competing, the members are all extremely devoted to the sport and hope to have a successful start. Senior and squad member Kat Buckingham explains, “We have some really strong players and Reed’s really great about helping

Last January, hundreds of East Lyme High School students were puzzled over the results of this year’s cardboard boat race. How did scrawny senior Mike Boucher and lanky junior Dan Forget beat the defending champions? A few injections of anabolic steroids seemed to have done the trick. “It’s about time somebody in this school is caught using steroids, but I never thought it’d be my kids,” said engineering teacher Lewis Tucker who holds the annual cardboard boat rac at ELHS. The team’s motive: to have their names forever inscribed on the fi rst place trophy. They risked their lives, but sure enough they won. “Boucher started the competition wimpy, but ended it pretty beefy. I thought somebody had been juicing,” said senior Ben Fontneau. Although there was much speculation about the steroid use throughout the contest due to their extremely disproportionate heads, the perpetrators were not proven guilty until March. That is when the members of the ELHS boys’ swim team, on which Boucher participated, were put through a random drug test before the state tournament.

Caught Roid-Handed

Above: Mike Boucher and Dan Forget have been caught using steroids to help them win this year’s boat race. their awards and records have been revoked and they will forever be banned from

the East Lyme Boat Race.

the members that have a hard time keeping up. We’re looking to win some titles.” Although the team’s season just began,

rumors questioning the team’s “natural talent” has become the highlight of lunchtime gossip. Regardless if it is fact or fi ction conspired from jealousy, various patty cake players have accused their captain of using performance-enhancing drugs. “Reed is so good!” says junior Ellen Little, “It’s not normal. I swear he uses steroids…how else did he win Patty Cake Nationals?” McFarland on the other hand, denies this, explaining that if he used steroids, other team members use them too because there are many talented members besides himself.

As of right now, the team consists of only ten members and is therefore looking for more students to join. Tryouts will continue to be held through mid-April and McFarland encourages students in every grade to join.

Jackson Forcier and Reed McFarland practice their patty cake slaps before their match tomorrow night.

“A small trace of anabolic steroids was found in Michael Boucher’s urine during the testing,” said Barry Bonds, who is the founder of National Scholastic Anti-Doping Program and administered the

tests. This resulted in Boucher being disqualifi ed from any further swim meets for the year, forfeiting three of the undefeated team’s victories, and putting him on probation. A few days later, Tucker got a hold of this information and at last, the boys’ maroon adhesive name tags were peeled off of the trophy. “There was nothing else I could do. I had already disqualifi ed one group who had done an illegal tape job and another who had done some illegal splashing of spectators,” said Tucker. Despite their disqualifi cation, Boucher and Forget had been spotted in ski masks walking away with the fi rst place prize, a $2,000,000 dollar check, just last week and have not been seen ever since. If you notice

them wandering around the halls, please report them to security director Jim Barnes.

S.Felitto/saga

A.Li/saga

2008 boat race winners found guilty of using steroidsby Ellie Kleinhans

Page 8

The Viking Saga Red Sox February 31, 2008

Elizabeth McLoughlin was born in Dublin, Ireland and her parents noticed right away that she was not a typical baby. “Most children weight about 6 pounds, 5 ounces so when Liz was born at 3 ounces, we knew there was a problem,” says her father Matt. Doctors confi rmed that Liz was half leprechaun almost immediately after she was born. When the doctor tried to hold her she jumped out of his hands to prevent him from stealing her pot of gold. “We loved her as much as we would have loved a full-sized baby,” says Mr. McLoughlin. “Nevertheless, we were concerned about how her size would affect her in the future.” At fi rst, her parents decided that they would support Liz the way she was, green hair and all. Unfortunately, Liz’s elementary school years proved that society would not accept her the way that her parents did. “The third grade was hands down the worst year of my life,” says Liz. “The kids teased me relentlessly, calling me broccoli

Some activities are not to be attempted by the faint of heart and Irish step dancing is one of them. Luckily, sophomore Elizabeth McLoughlin has never been one to back down from a challenge. Her fearlessness and determination lad her to the National Irish Step Danc-ing Championship and gained her a free trip to the international competition. Now, Elizabeth is training hard but is working even harder to

protect the secret behind her success…

She’s Got More Than the Luck of the Irish by Alexandra Addabbohead and green bean. The worst part was that I never went a day without someone asking, ‘Hey Liz, where’s your pot of gold?’” Later, however, they discovered her inherent talent for Irish step dancing. “Few know that leprechauns are the best Irish step

dancers,” says specialist Dr. Conan O’Brien. “This is due to the fact that they are too small to compete in human competitions.” With the advice of Dr. O’Brien, Liz’s parents decided that it would be best for their daughter to send her to a doctor in the United States who could make her normal-sized. At the age of eight, they carefully packed her into a Lucky Charms box and shipped her fi rst class to the United States while they

fl ew over. “Leaving Ireland was the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do,” says Mr. McLoughlin. “But we knew that what we were doing was the best thing for her.” Once reunited in the U.S., they met with Dr. Bradford Cruise who told them

that Leprechaun Growth Hormone, or “LGH,” was the only thing that would make Liz the same size as humans. “Of course we were skeptical at fi rst but the results were incredible,” says Mr. McLoughlin. After just one year on LGH, Liz had grown enough to compete in her fi rst Irish step dancing competition. The combination of leprechaun blood

and LGH coursing through her veins led her to that victory and many more after, including the National Irish Step Dancing Competition. But will this magical mixture prove to be the recipe for success in the national competition? “I’m confi dent that she’ll take the title,” says Mr. McLoughlin. “She’s got more than just the luck of the Irish on her side.”

‘We loved her as much as we would have loved a full-

sized baby.’ -Matt McLoughlin

Boxers or Briefs by Weiss-kKleinhans Makes All ECC!East Lyme basketball’s senior John Kleinhans receives ECC recognition for his wonderous and outstanding

performance on Senior Night against New London High School. John

dropped three buckets in the game.

Christy Nixon receives a modeling contract with Sports Illustrated

Swimsuit Edition.

James Gordy signs a contract with the Denver Bronco’s cheerleading

squad. He dreams of one day cheering for the Cowboys.

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The Riking Raga Are you Entertained? Rapril 1, 2007

Page 10

Look out Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom; Hollywood is about to gain another hottie. After hiring two agents, junior Joe Wawrzynski is picking up modeling jobs left and right and is preparing to make the move with his mom from East Lyme to Tinseltown. “I always knew that being in the limelight was my destiny,” says Wawrzynski. “I’m pretty sure there’s more to life than being really ridiculously good looking, but I don’t feel like I need to fi nd out for sure.” In fact, it seems as though Wawrzynski has been preparing

Lights, Camera, Action: Joe Wawrzynski Makes His Way Toward Hollywoodby Alexandra Addabbo

for fame since he was a baby. According to his mother Leslie, Wawrzynski has been posing in front of the mirror since he learned how to walk. She says that his biggest inspiration is “defi nitely Derek Zoolander; he thinks they look like twins.” Since hiring his agents, Michael Bloom and Linda Crawford, Wawrzynski has been going to various go-sees and casting calls. “He’s very enthusiastic and is willing to try anything. We’ve sent him to open calls for everything from Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs to nasal spray commercials,” says Crawford. Interestingly enough, Bloom

and Crawford are the former agents of ELHS junior Matias Francone, who they say was dropped because “he’s just too modest and humble for this industry.” Though Wawrzynski has not yet heard back from Abercrombie, the nasal spray commercial does not look like it will be the job for him. “I can’t use it without sneezing,” he says. Despite his minor allergic reaction, Wawrzynski persevered

through countless castings and fi nally found the perfect job to jump start his career. This spring, he will make his debut on televisions everywhere when he appears in a cologne commercial with Antonio Banderas. “I think Joe is perfect for a cologne ad,” says junior Rachel MacLellan. “He always smells so good!” Fortunately, his newfound stardom has not gone to his head. “We have to give him at least two hours notice before we can do anything so that he has time to get ready, and sometimes it’s hard to get him out of the mirror,” says friend and fellow junior Surav Sakya. “Other than that, he’s just the same guy.” Once in Hollywood, Wawrzynski is looking to make the transition from model to model/actor. “I can defi nitely see him as the next Mark Wahlberg,” says junior Tom Krasner. So take advantage of the time that ELHS has left with Joe Wawrzynski. Find him in the hall, shake his hand, or even ask for an autograph. That future collector’s item could pay off your college loans someday.

K. Eberle/ Saga

A Tough Act to Follow: Bobby Buckley Heads for a Bigger Stageby Ramona Ostrowski

Mayer with the song he had written for him, “John, You’re the Mayor of my Heart.” Mayer was so impressed by the song, and by Buckley’s devotion, that he talked to his manager and booked Buckley to be the opening act for his upcoming summer tour. “I will definitely go see the concert,” says junior Alyssa Andres. “I love John Mayer, and I love Bobby Buckley. It’s going to be even better than the Spice Girls!” However, the news is bittersweet for some. “I wish the rest of us in Offhand (the band Buckley is part of) could go with him, but I’m happy for good ole Bob,” says Buckley’s band mate, senior Nate Belke. “I’ll make it up to them,” Buckley says, acknowledging his group’s disappointment.

ELHS Shooting Stars

Many people would do almost anything for a chance

to meet their idol. Others would sacrifice their left thumb

for a shot at stardom. Luckily for senior Bobby Buckley, he was able to accomplish both these goals while keeping his body intact. “I’m opening for John Mayer!” Buckley squealed excitedly when asked about his most recent accomplishment. “I broke into his tour bus when I was at his last concert, and I waited in there for seven hours before he came in.” This gutsy–and illegal–move almost got Buckley arrested. “When [Mayer] first came in, he was really mad and freaked out,” Buckley admitted. Luckily, he soon assured the singer that he had only good intentions by whipping out his guitar and serenading

Buckley strikes a pose with Mayer and mutual fan Vanessa Hudgens

“I’ll get them all concert tees.”

Joe Warzynski graciously stops to sign autographs for a few lucky ELHS students

Page 11

The Riking Raga Are you Entertained? Rapril 1, 2007

The Junk Drawerby Kate Eberle

It may be hard to believe that there are any musical artists in the world more talented than Paris Hilton, but believe it-there is one, and her name is Heidi Montag.

Montag was formerly known as MTV’s reality show The Hills, but she has moved on to bigger and better things. The release of her song

“Higher” has been an exciting mark of the beginning of her music career. Montag has a sound like no other, with a voice so amazing that it would reduce Simon Cowell to tears of joy, and probably have him

begging on hands and knees for her to grace him with

another song. Montag is a music-lover’s dream come true; the

only problem with her is her apparent lack of self-confi dence. In the music video for “Higher,” she seems very self-conscious and covered-up. Obviously, she is one girl who has never

heard the saying “If you’ve got it, fl aunt it!” Nevertheless, Heidi Montag is an inspiration to all musicians of the world. At

the end of “Higher,” she half-whispers, “Am I dreaming?” The real question is, are we dreaming? Or has the world fi nally found its best musician of all time?

Hollywood HappeningsThe latest news from Tinseltown

by Ramona Ostrowski

*In an arrangement that has shocked the world, Angelina Jolie has announced that she and Brad Pitt will be adopting the unborn baby of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears. “Taking children out of unsafe situations and giving them a good home is just what we do,” Jolie told the press. Spears says that giving up her child was the right choice because “Spears women just don’t seem to make the best mothers.” *Despite declaring herself a changed woman after her stint in jail last year, no one has seen a difference in Paris Hilton until now. She began showing her new colors when she announced that she would soon be embarking on a 25 minute goodwill tour of Canada. The purpose of the trip is to provide citizens with exotic pets and “The Simple Life” DVDs. When asked why Canadians needed help, the heiress replied, “That’s hot.” *A bottle was found on a beach in France containing the message “Help me, I’m trapped by a crazy man!” The message was signed “Katie Holmes.” A statement from the representative of Tom Cruise, Holmes’ husband, says, “Katie is perfectly happy. She loves Tom. She never wants to leave him. Katie is fi ne!” Holmes has not been seen in months, and her rep could not be reached.

dontcostnothing.wordpress.com

Who: English teacher Alexa Mantoni and history teacher Henry Kydd. What: A Thriller wedding. When: July 10, 2008 Why: Why not? It is human nature to want to have a wedding that will stand out. So in order to have the wedding of a lifetime, Ms. Mantoni and Mr. Kydd have taken a cue from Wacko Jacko himself to plan this undoubtedly legendary ceremony. “Growing up, I was in love with Michael Jackson… seriously in love. I’ve had the posters, watched the videos, and screamed my heart out at his concerts… It’s always been my dream to have a wedding inspired by him,” says Ms. Mantoni. It was what some might call obsession that prompted both Ms. Mantoni and Mr. Kydd to take lessons at the East Lyme Senior Center to learn the Thriller zombie-infested walk. They do the legendary shindig fl awlessly and love showing their students. “In English class last week, we were taking a quiz. Then all of a sudden, Ms. Mantoni turned the computer onto YouTube, put the volume up all the way to Thriller, and then just started dancing,” says junior Stephanie Van Alsten. “Doing the dance for my students helps me practice because I don’t want to let my fi ancée down,” says Mr. Kydd. To complete

Thriller!the effect, he likes to wear a white glove that he keeps in his closet while breaking it down. He says it really “puts me in character.” These sorts of precautions are necessary because the dance is a pivotal part of the wedding ceremony. The dance has been murdered by anyone and everyone, including prison inmates and Vice President Dick Cheney. Both Ms. Mantoni and Mr. Kydd do not want to be another statistic in the Thriller failure rate. Close family and friends are to attend the wedding, with Billie Jean being the maid of honor and a mysterious little man known simply as P.Y.T. will be the best man. The wedding will defi nitely be memorable… and surely be startin’ somethin’!

Ms. Mantoni and Mr. Kydd practice, practice, practice the Thriller dance for their big day

K. Eberle/ Saga

Michael Jackson inspired wedding for two teachersby Emily Newton

Talladega Nights The Stupid, Pointless Backpage that everyone loves except Val and Stef April 1, 2008

Page 12

The Pictures that Never Made the Cut

Mike McLellan and Matt Lacerte say, “Peek-a-boo!”

Mrs. Hardy take note: A passerby steals a bag of Doritos under Cameron Gerber’s nose. He is obviously slacking off

during his post at the College Fair refreshment stand.

Sandford’s impersonation of his idol, Hillary Clinton

The hip-hop dance team tries out some new moves in the choral room

And a response to this

SNAGGED! Big Paul and Chris Stevens share a sentimental moment listening to Marvin Gaye’s,

“Let’s Get It On”

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