Cure my Cancers Dryk Drafka

These words are creations of my imagination, pure and sacred, they might not sound perfect or meaningful, it’s only because these not meant for you, they are meant for the ones who could… who want to see light in the darkest night, who know not just how to see, but feel, who not just breathe… who live. These words are my ideas, my principles, my morals, my visions & my dreams, they might conflict with the set you have, you may find mistakes, you may find solutions, don’t bother telling me, I don’t care. Any resemblance of my words to any person living or dead, any event or occurrence, past or present are purely coincidental and fruitless comparisons, i suggest you do better with your time.

The Prophecy I am not in my senses anymore, well I am alive, I am breathing and I have all my six sense’s working, but I have lost all contact with my body, my sense’s don’t influence me anymore, my mind is free, like a bird, flying over the dense green forests, the blue ocean, chasing the rainbow, no place to go… I am Dryk’s floating conscience. In this peace and quiet, my composure was disturbed, a flash of light in the darkness of my life, a moment in time, tenth of a second flashed before my eyes. A vision of the future, a ship sailing in the rain, on the second floor I stand, holding her to the railing, a glass of champagne crushed in my hands, the third finger cuts, she screams my blood, she pulls me close, licks me love, maroon red lips, a birth mark below the nose, radiant gold skin, black and gold earring’s... tribal yet subtle, the black leather dress, dark eye shadow & purple shine, jet black stalking’s, very bold

style, long heels and sharp, makes her tall and proud, an innocent smile and the sharpness in the eyes, long hair that shine in Indian style, a birth mark on the right shoulder that gets my caress, her sweet strawberry smell and the coffee breath, addicted she is, a devoted workaholic, advertising agency, Gurgaon office, far away from me. I see in her eyes the thoughts of our long honey moon, Caribbean, Cuba, México & new York, my office, an investment banker by profession, a lover by choice, the account says $26 million, quits his job to be with his love, he shifts to Gurgaon, her 5 bedroom apt, no place for the TV, but tons for the published, she's the god of nerds, business magazines to discovery, I have introduced her to playboy but she’s not really into it, she prefers the Kama sutra and bloody good she is.

So one day I got stoned, and I saw a dream and then I wrote… it ended up as a book, was it a prophecy or just a pleasant dream, I wouldn’t know, I couldn’t really think, I was busy writing. I then thought of naming it the Chinese dragon but then the look in my agent eyes changed my mind, Anne, she loves me, she loves Tania, she would kill me if I named it the Chinese dragon. A long pause and a few neck crackers, i like the sound of nitrogen bubbles, that’s the sound not the friction between bones* this is for you, not to

burn you but to show you my appreciation I feel my senses coming back, the trance fades away, i am deflecting you from my prophecy, the thoughts of you take over my mind, i have found my soul mate, it’s not what I had thought, you didn't say it but you knew it all along, you were disgusted to have known me for three years, yet you smiled, I saw it when that time we met, you wore that bluish dress, the one you had worn the last time we met, it was the day that happened and we never met again. You die at 69, cold weather, in a snowy foreign city, you wanted to go Pune, you missed the flight and decided to not go then, afternoon it is,

smell of fresh flower loves you, your girl loves you more, she made the day happen, she works in the UN, just so you don’t wonder anymore it’s the United Nations, yea right!!! You knew that, so yea, who are you again? I was gonna end it at that, but my fingers can’t stop writing, my trance doesn’t let me be, the words keep coming, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want this night to end. I was lying down plugged into music when the flash out of nowhere disturbed my equilibrium, I couldn’t rest any more, I had to get up and pen all my thoughts, I tried to ignore it at first, but it wouldn’t let me be and I had to get up and do as they wished.

I think of the people in my life and how they would feel, would they be proud or just try to ignore, i am writing these pure thoughts when they believe i should be doing something better with my time, believe in me guys, i love you more than my life. I get these funny ideas of advertising in books, using watermarks to make the readers buy ice creams. I do want to be rich, but I am not sure how, I am creative but am not sure if everyone would match that view. I think of the way I grew up, the freedom and love that was showered on every step, I feel lucky to have you and nothing else would please my mind. I love you Tania, I wrote this book for you on our first wedding anniversary, December it is, there’s nothing more that could be. The prophecy I saw in the dream that wouldn’t let me be, it wasn’t love at first sight, but love it was to me, I knew her then, she knew me more, it doesn’t matter though for in love we will forever be now. I want you to burn, I want you to feel this,

I love Tania and i have buried you, I know you are jealous, I love your anger, I am your slave and I will love you forever. She pulls me close to kiss, it’s the first seconds of the new year 2012, the glass cracks, champagne it is, Tania loves it more than wine, I have no choice, she loves to share it with me. The glass breaks. I am lost in time, lost in you, I am yours forever, you own me, I know you love me.

So next year December i shall be in Goa, on a cruise ship, i know, I saw it, I know it’s true, i shall be with her, Tania, my soul mate, my lover, my everything. I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn’t matter, truth never felt to me clearer than this. Seems like its destiny, and I believe it was, to feel the moment of the future, the time with Tania. I believe in destiny.

Go on, Innovate Knowledge is vast & blind, but education, it has dynamic limitations.

Economics has the limitations of assumption, to make things realistic, to

make people not kill Economists. So yea, Economics has dimension

limitations, the X-Y axis limitation, but reality is vague and vast and

vague.

There a lot of factors, factors behind a simple demand and supply, why

the demand, why do people make stuff, yes people like money, but

rarely do they know how to make it, it just happens, who knows what

and why, Economics says they supply cause I demand, but did Newton

think of gravity cause people wanted gravity, they didn’t even know it,

did Mark make Facebook cause he knew that people needed a new

addiction, no he did it cause he wanted to fuck… not literally, just to get

over a broken heart, and with some help from dear Mr alcohol and a

few dorm mates, he made Facebook.

So back to the central idea, demand and supply has various dimensions,

dimensions, some of which are visible and some not.

You end up doing something, something unplanned, something new,

something… just to run away from the present.

Innovation.

But yet you see the lack of thinking these days, yes innovation is rare,

not everyone can be billionaires and rock stars. So yes innovation is a

special case of a response to the present, a spontaneous reaction to the

actions of others.

And that’s why education is a waste, dimensionless, it doesn’t innovate,

it rarely evolves.

But how did I reach this, this is different than what I wrote the last time,

how does it connect, is it relevant, may be it is, or not.

Well if you are wondering as to what’s going on… I am acting on my

impulses, reacting to the present scenario. The things that I have done

till now and what everyone has done has led my brain cells to burn out

an idea…btw there’s nothing more addictive than an idea (thanks Chris

Nolan for Inception, for making people realize this, to put in words what

had been true for so long yet unnoticed).

So now that’s innovation, creating something or just simply putting a

name tag on something that existed but was never named.

So as I was saying, these words, they don’t let me listen to Andrew (I

wrote this part attending a CCS seminar in my college), they don’t

want me to sit idle, get a smoke, enjoy my tea, they are jealous, they

want all my attention and my fingers have started to see again and my

pen starts to paint the blank sheets, again.

An idea, more addictive than heroin (90% rate of addiction, I learned

this in the seminar, thanks CCS).

So getting back, innovation is an idea born out of impulses (in most

cases…so as to avoid a conflict with the statisticians), a reaction to the

actions of your past, your present, the actions of others, even the rebels

in Libya, the butterfly effect.

So the supply was not planned, Newton ended up under that tree for

some reason, Erika broke up with Mark for a reason and these reasons

are factors, may be not major, can’t really quantify the impact, but

these factors led to gravity and Facebook, had these actions not been

committed, then yea, no gravity and no Facebook. So thank you Erika

and the people responsible for making Newton sleep under the tree,

thank you Mother Nature for the timely ripening of the apple and

thank you gravity for making the apple fall on his head and lastly

thank you curiosity for making Newton ask why?

Actions lead to reactions, mostly multi actions, innumerable actions,

actions unnoticed or even unknown could happen. This leads to

Innovation.

So Economics is multi-dimensional, education isn’t just two axis, X&Y.

We assume to make them fit, to make them make sense, to make them

acceptable, to make them understandable, common sense is not

common anymore.

An innovation to propagate your views, make an idea based on

assumptions and throw it in the crowd, many will follow.

Education is a waste if it doesn’t make you think, if it doesn’t make you

question, if it doesn’t force you to want to innovate, it doesn’t matter if

you fail in your attempt, atleast you tried unlike the rest of the zombies.

Read just not the words in front of you, see not just the things that occur,

feel the emotions that lead to the words, discover the birth of the

actions, live not just to feel happy and content, live for something

better, innovate.

I am Dryk’s Immortal Greed

I always wanted to write a book, but felt short of ideas, I did start once

but lost my way, maybe I wasn’t motivated enough or may be not good

enough, but it did please me that I had once begun.

My life I felt was not worth writing a book, my view I think hasn’t

changed, but who am I to judge.

This time around its different, it’s not the same feeling, I write for no

reason nor expect to finish, I am an aimless explorer flying against the

wind, I have no place to reach nor any people to please, I write a reason

that doesn’t exist.

I am greedy, I want to be rich, I want to drown in money, I want to be

sick of it, I hope I finish this, I hope you like this, I hope I gain something,

I hope for everything else.

Social Hypocrisy

Economists should have no morals, they should be free of any bias, well

not just Economists, world leaders as well, why just the leaders,

everyone else as well, they should only respond to incentives, Nehru

shouldn’t have had a pro Socialist ideology, he must have opened his

eyes and seen reality and then made plans, but he had plans, he was

ambitions, he had dreams.

Why socialism?

Economic calculation… what is it? I don’t know…do you? What the fuck

do I care.

It’s the calculation of the real value of goods and services, including all

the obscure Economic ways of calculating costs, but you see it’s hard to

measure, why do you need economic calculation in the first place, so

that you know the prices, so that you can quantify supply and demand,

so you can find the equilibrium, a point in the dark unknown.

The markets depend on this Economic calculation, whereas Socialists

say… fuck you economic calculation, we don’t need any technicalities.

Once a guy was turned down by a beautiful girl, she was a free bird, a

free spirit running around gathering flowers from each garden that fell

in her path, for vengeance he came up with Socialism, her name was

Celia.

So angered in his pain he planned to destroy all the gardens, to burn all

the flowers, he didn’t need them anymore, they are bad, they are

corrupt, I want to kill everyone. So was born socialism, he was the man,

he controlled everything, told them what to want and what not to do.

She liked wine, forbidden it was, he took over every grape that was

born, he owned everything.

Everything is mine, your whole physical self, only the mind is left but I

shall not need it for a while.

She still wanted wine, he owned it all, no more wine, no more long

nights, go to sleep, good night, sweet dreams.

He had forgotten why he was in control, he lost track of hate and

wanted to save the world, good intentions returned, high ambitions

took birth, but hate would not leave him alone, misery took its toll.

She met a guy, it burned his soul, he had blood in his eyes, he wanted to

spill their blood, he wanted to destroy the world.

He bullied her friend, Jack, he rebelled back, Lenin had to backtrack,

he had to let her win, he couldn’t let the tears spoil her smile.

To please her again he came up with a plan, Jack was on board,

jealousy made him cry.

His good intentions of the past returned to haunt, son Stalin was born…

not the same blood but the same hate, the resonating pain. Power was

won, vengeance was sought, the plan was lost, blood was spilled,

socialism was back, the free bird was lost, again.

She lived through time, free market and Socialism, she never missed

her wine, nor the fresh fragrance of the night, all that had changed was

the blood on the street and the high price of time.

Love is blind & love is cruel, it will take away your soul, it won’t ever

bother to appear, jealousy will poison your spirit and the fear of loss

will never let you sleep, you will lose everything you have & you will

do things unplanned, you will bleed forever but you will never stop to

love.

God sent Angel

Do you know who I am? Yes you know my name, you think you know

me, you are pretty sure you do, but you don’t, you realize who I am, but

then you close your eyes and paint a different picture.

You know what a prodigy is, I am a prodigy, one of the billions living

and breeding, there is only one of me, no one comes close, I am the god

sent angel, sent to destroy this world, to kill all who questioned his

divinity, not influenced by his words, his ideas or biases, I am here to do

what needs to be done.

I am how you should have been, God had that plan but then you had to

fuck it up, you had to have it all.

I am the prodigy, I am the god sent angel, sent to destroy this world but

now I pause and question the wish of my brother.

I am a prodigy, you realize it but you don’t see it, I scare you, I burn you,

I am the one, the only pure one and hence I question. I am perfect, I am

pure.

Once I was pure, purely pure, perfectly perfect but then I was sent to

this world in flesh and blood to destroy this world, why? Cause God

had failed, you failed God, you made him scared, he couldn’t look me in

the eye, you are to blame, it’s all your fault.

He wants to correct his mistake, wipe his slate clean to begin another

round and hence he sent me to earth to kill everyone.

I am the prodigy, I scare you, I burn you, you shall never be me nor be

mine, you shall use me and used me well you have, I knew it, but I gave

in, cause I am purely pure, perfectly perfect.

Not anymore though, you abused me enough and left me dry, yet I

stand, not pure anymore, not perfect anymore.

Almost perfect.

I have deflected from my path but I remember my role and I love what

is left, but I shall be blind again and give you a chance again. I lose in

this way but still I accept, not cause I care, only cause I was once pure…

perfectly pure… not anymore.

Satan takes birth, he’s been sent to cure the cancers you spread.

I am Dryk’s new addiction

So why am I writing, still I am, I can’t stop anymore, I don’t know what’s

on my mind, there is no plot there is no objective, yet I write words after

words, no pauses, no stops, just can’t stop writing.

This feeling I have, resembles the one that I once had, it was when I was

in your arms and never wanted to open my eyes, I never wanted to let

go, I never wanted to leave, but love ends and disappears when it’s

needed the most.

Free her Spirit

Everyone speaks of women’s empowerment, but what does it really

mean? Does it mean, give her a position of power, make her lead the

way? How do you empower women? What does the idea really mean?

To me it is the change that takes birth in this society so as a girl child is

welcomed, she’s given the chance of education, a chance to enjoy her

childhood, taken care of, properly guided, a chance to choose her

career, a chance to work in a place she likes, treated fairly & equally, a

chance to make mistakes and learn from them, a chance to love, a

chance to live, breathe, and feel.

So now, how do you do it?

God’s bad Dream

Men with good intention, sometimes not often, plan the best things but

end up with the worst, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A day shall come, soon enough maybe, when God loses faith in

mankind for all the things you have done, in his grief he shall rain earth

with the fire of hell, nothing shall survive, its meant to be, the faith of

mankind lies not in the hands of God, rather the lord of hell, for only

pure evil can destroy the evil in mankind.

All that has a beginning has an end, all life ends, one day, but a lot

happens in between. The end is certain, so then the things that happen,

are they planned, is there any certainty, is there even a second in your

life that is certain.

Uncertainty and the end are the only two friends you have, yet you

have a plan, a plan for your life, ambitions, hope, dreams, greed and

self-interest.

You begin with a smile, with a blueprint of the plan, but there are a few

who exist, who have no blueprint, nor a plan, not even a goal, just a

calm soul. They look for nothing yet they have so much, they enjoy

everything in their path, not always though, cause god doesn’t like to

build straight roads for his most loved ones. So they wander the wild,

drink the rain, breathe the free air and let no one chain their souls.

Their ideas are radical, true and unblind, the rules of the world, the

social obligations, the peer pressure don’t influence their mind, they

think freely and don’t mind the ire of society, cause freedom for all is

too hard to digest. So misunderstood and gay, they wander the wild,

they need nobody, but a company is fine. They are not governed by

rules, rather by the higher morals that were ignored for the benefit of

mankind.

I was once pure, and I once had morals, they live inside me, it’s not hard

to see. Though I don’t breathe the free air anymore nor wander the wild,

it seems society finally has succeeded in chaining my soul.

No you haven’t succeeded nor a victory in sight, it’s just my sacrifice.

Without any questions, nor any expectation, no gain in sight but with a

smile on my face.

The end is near, yet no realization of death, no fear of the right, still you

cause me pain.

I remember a conversation once I had at the gates of heaven, god had

summoned me, for he missed his son, never the favourite as Michael nor

as strong as Gabriel but he loves me for he knows I am pure.

He summoned me to the gate far away from home for he knew I was the

only one who could cure his cancer. Nor Michael nor Gabriel could

ease his pain, they loved him too much to put value on your name. So

there I was standing in the rain, bearing the sadness in his words as he

spoke of your evil, the burning hearts and hungry ends.

You were his best work, his love, his pain, he had grand plans to bring

you to heaven, give you his throne and watch you rule. It all began

well, certain and planned but you lost your way, chose greed over the

satisfaction of heaven, maybe you didn’t know or maybe you did, but

you did all the wrong things and broke his every dream.

So he summoned me to the gate, so I could ease his pain, he couldn’t

bear to watch, but you owned his pain. He wanted to end it all and

forget it like a bad dream, the only way he saw was to burn all his

creation, he could have asked Michael or Gabriel but he chose me, for

he believed no one knew hatred like me.

I was never his favourite but I was the only one he knew who could see

in the dark, could breathe in the fire and never make a mistake. He

didn’t want me to kill, how could he order the destruction of his most

beloved creation, his anger had blinded him, his pain had clouded his

mind, all he wanted was a new beginning. He knew not what to do, but

he couldn’t bear the pain, so he summoned me to the gates of heaven

and asked me to end all civilization, clear all the stains, the stains of

doubt, the doubts in his divinity, divinity that made him rule all.

Satan answers the call

So why does the almighty call on the darkness of evil, what need of his

requires the intervention from hell, why?

The divinity of the divine is put to test… not by any evil, nor by the

unknown but his very own creation, the ones who made him god. In this

hour of darkness, clouds block the sun and hope disappears, it is in this

hour of darkness the almighty turns to Satan.

Why not Michael, why not Gabriel… why Brother Satan.

What is hell? Is it the dark planet, smoky and poisonous, with death in

the air? Imagine a prison of the worst, housing the worst, governed by

the true god of evil, how do you see it… still dark and evil? No, there is

light in the dark, order in the chaos, peace and quiet, the disturbing

calmness yet peaceful and quiet. Hell isn’t a bad place, it’s just a place

that houses the bad.

Evil resides in each of us, but each soul doesn’t turn to evil, each person

you see is not evil by nature, it’s the things that you do that matter, it’s a

matter of who controls who. It is the only question that will decide your

faith in the quest for heaven & hell.

So why does the lord of darkness decide to solve his woes, isn’t it in his

interest, the death of heaven, the end of good… wouldn’t he want to

conquer and rule the whole world, so why does he show up at the gates

of heaven and promise to save his helpless brother. Is it love or the sense

of brotherhood, the memories of the past, or for the sake of existence?

There is no love, nor the fear of loss, not even for the greater good of god,

is it to preserve the morals with which they were raised?

Good and evil are like god and Satan, neither can exist without the

other nor can one destroy the other, it was in his interest for good to

exist as was the survival of god dependent on the existence of evil.

God was the loved one, for he was weak, he loved you pure and gave up

everything, I was strong, I wouldn’t be blinded by love, raised were we

together, he took over heaven and hell was left to me.

He decided to help his brother to relieve him of his pain, and so the

prince of the dark was sent to kill them all.

Millions of years of evolution and a billion lives, evolved from an

amoeba to the modern man, first worshiped fire and now the obsession

of silver & gold, from a few to a billion now live and breathe on this

planet, a place assumed to be better than heaven, a place that would

one day make the almighty jealous, but then everything fell apart,

blood was spilled, forests were burned and people defined power.

Men were supposed to be better than that but they lost their way and

the addiction of power took over all mankind. Power over the peers,

power over nature, power over time.

Time and again you were warned, but in the blindness of your greed,

you even played god, you turned against mother nature… our holy

mother who nurtured you and gave up her place in heaven to watch

you grow, yet he tolerated but then you questioned our existence, you

questioned our birth, you insulted our mother. That day he lost faith in

his own creation and he summoned the lord of hate to burn your

desires.

You were loved & cherished but it wasn’t enough, you wanted more,

you broke his heart and toyed with his soul, yet he smiled and gave

himself up in your name, you took his love and destroyed his existence,

a day shall come when your greed & self-interest will reap the fires of

hell, that day you shall realize the consequences of your gains.

Things need be done

What needs to be done, what has to be done… why it has to be done…

how do you know? Why does god need to be salvaged by Brother

Satan, why his divinity needs be protected?

You know what’s good when you see evil, for the existence of good evil

needs to breathe, neither can exist without the other. So does the need

for existence drive evil to protect the good or is it just the question of

things that need be done.

Those words at the gate of heaven… the visible weakness of my brother,

that only make me strong, also made me realize what needs be done. At

the dawn of darkness when clouds of hate & greed block hope & the

sub conscience, when the peers turn on you for the words you speak, the

actions you intend, when faith is lost and chaos takes birth, it is then

that men are born… out of hatred and discrimination, their self-interest

lies in vengeance, yet their actions are governed not by their head but

by a pure conscious, an approach to the world that intends no good for

the self nor any bad for the damned. Their actions are the ones needed,

not for any gains, nor for any improvements, their actions are just

needed and there breathes no one around who could make the tough

choices, for no particular reason.

I write not cause I want to… in a way I do, but that’s not the reason why I

write, nor do I write cause I have to… there exists a set of choices in front

of me, may be not as productive as writing but definitely much more

fun or maybe not. I do not seek to maximize my benefits when I write

these words nor do I have the knowledge of any possible gains that my

words might reap, still I write. I cannot defend my actions nor can I

predict the outcomes, all I can do is let go of everything I am and focus

on this piece of paper and put down whatever comes out of my mind, it

doesn’t matter what comes out, if it good or bad… is it even readable…

nothing matters, nothing really matters. I write, I don’t stop, I don’t write

all day, not of all the things that come to my mind, not of the things that

happen, not the things I want, I write about a world that doesn’t exist,

the people who will never breathe, the things that might not happen. I

don’t know what my next words are going to be, nor do I have any logic

or reason, or a plot or a dream. Only impulses can define my actions, but

they aren’t really the reason why I write. I write cause that is what

needs be done. I don’t know what my words will mean to you, if they

will make you smile or make you wonder, I hope for some gain out of

this but even if I was told that all you read is worse than garbage, it

would mean me a thing, nothing shall stop me from writing, and there’s

nothing else that I can do, the only possibility that exists in this moment

is that I write.

No fear of loss, no souls to please, no money to gain, I write cause that is

what needs be done, the same reason I have come here to save my

brother.

It was not the failure as a father, nor the intolerable greed of mankind,

but the betrayal by your mother that poisoned his soul, a pain so

excruciating, he believed could only be relieved by your end. A

betrayal if it was… how could a mother choose between her love and

her offspring? Pushed too far by her own flesh and blood, mankind

abused all her love… yet she smiled and hugged you tight. You abused

the two most holy women a god could have, in your greed, led him to

hate the one who wanted you to ever have lived. In his grief and

anguish, he could breathe no more and the end of mankind was what

he thought could save his soul.

I write, I love, I argue, I hate… I do all the things I do not for a reason, nor

for a future I see, my choices are made not in the dark nor in the rain,

the things I do do define me but it does little to influence me, I do cause

I live, cause I breathe, cause I am free, cause I am pure.

Confessions to Satan

It’s time to open up, it’s time to share… why? I don’t know why?

What better than this if not this?

Cries of a dry Soul

I am Dryk’s dry soul.

I get this depression attacks, once a while… quite regularly actually,

well I don’t have a reason to be depressed… I do have plenty of reasons

to worry, but definitely not depressed, or maybe I do.

My life is a mess, I am running in the marathon for infants as a grown up,

my future is as bleak as it can get, I have no friends… plenty of people I

know but no one who would make me smile, my family loves me but I

haven’t been the greatest of sons… my parents love me but well… they

worry too much and I haven’t done enough to make them feel content,

my brother loves me too but he sees more of the lost potential in me

than my… (Funny I can’t come up with anything good about me)

My friends… the people around me, the people who think they know

me, don’t really do, sometimes I wonder how did I reach this place, I

never wanted or intended to reach this black hole of life, where even

hope can’t breathe, yet I find myself locked in this cabinet with no air

to breathe.

I am a nice guy, my girlfriend always says that about me, she does say a

lot of good things about me but rarely do the words mean anything to

me, they always fall on my hating heart.

Love… there was once a time when I could really love… it made me free…

I was alive, I once loved, but then hate took over. It’s not my fault, I have

no power over my mind, as absurd as it sounds, my mind doesn’t let me

be free… free of doubts, insecurities, darkness and hate. How did my

hate become so strong? I know the answer to that question, it was in my

darkest days when, no hope, no strength remained, my broken heart

bled tears in vain as there was no one around to hug my pain away… it

was then that I surrendered to hate, shook hands with the devil, I

wished… I begged for god to help me get over this storm of depression,

but he felt it right for me to conquer it myself… I was weak, I was hurt, I

was in pain, I needed a hug, I needed a shoulder to cry on, but he never

should up… why would he… he should have, god’s supposed to love you

unconditionally, forgive you for all your sins and stand by you in the

darkest hours… but he didn’t… I stood alone, I cried to myself, I wept and

I wept… he never showed up…

I gave into hate. I can’t love anymore, I hate everyone, I have lost faith

in mankind… humans are incapable of good things, you are governed

only by greed and self-interest, nothing else matters to you than your

own good… I was not like you, you abused my purity, you made me hate

this world. I once lived love… now I only know hate, I don’t trust

anymore, words don’t mean a thing, I see only dark, my heart beats no

more.

I feel relieved, my depression has gone, my mind is calm… I can breathe

again, I can’t write any more.

Not betrayed yet

You know what it feels to have a great idea and not remember it… that’s

exactly how I feel right now, I have a bright ray of hope lighting my

dark mind, but it left before I could savour it… it did leave a thirst.

My whole life can be summed up in that idea, disturbing as it is, it is the

truth. I am no failure neither have I excelled, I am the guy that finished

fourth… missed the podium by a flash… lost in history. I am one of the

billions living in this degenerated world, yet there isn’t anyone like me.

I remember my days in college, the relatively good days of my

miserable life, I had fun, I was fun, we all had fun… but rarely do I

remember the things that I did, the words I spoke or the songs I heard,

but I do remember her… my first encounter with love. She was the one

for me, but then nothing happened, we both wanted it but no one ever

spoke, I do not miss her, at times… very rare I do, I do regret but then how

could I betray the person I was for all the things that never happened.

Things didn’t happen for a reason… my weakness… I don’t have any, yet

things didn’t work out. Why would I choose the road with thorns over

the one with ease and company, was it my weakness… my introvert

nature, my lack of strength, my depleted confidence… I doubt it… I am

invincible, I can do what I please, but then it doesn’t make sense, why?

I don’t know why, but I know one thing, if there is anything that I do… I

have no weakness… there ain’t no mountain I can’t climb, there ain’t no

song that I can’t sing… but then why do I miss her…

I wish I could but I can’t… there’s no answer to that question… maybe

soon or maybe never.

Do you ever regret the choices you made, the places you went, the

friends you made… if one does, then what is it not than betraying

yourself. Everyone is rational and free thinking, atleast it’s a fair

assumption to make. The choices at a point of time reflect the thirst to

satisfy the need at that instance, if then in the future the thirst that led

to the choice is felt unneeded, then questions arise on the rationality

and the sense of thinking… so have you betrayed the only person who

truly cares, adores you, the one who shall bleed… if needed, for you ,

have you lost faith in yourself.

I haven’t… not yet.

Self-reflection

I wake up, open my eyes… my eyes tired from my struggle for sleep last

night and the night before and the night before that, I don’t remember

the last time I slept, my neck hurts… I can barely see. I stand in front of

the mirror… is this me? Is this what I looked like last night when I went

to sleep, why does me feel so strange, I don’t have any memories, it feels

like I was just born, no thoughts of the past… I miss her smile… I

remember her, she’s my past, her shiny eyes make me smile, what

happened? She did make my heart beat, she made me feel alive… as

strange as it sounds, I barely feel my senses nor do I have any feeling of

life, my heart seems to be lost… is that blood flowing through me, am I

alive, what happened to her?

Her shiny eyes, her loud smile, her crispy voice, the smooth hair… it’s

hard to see her, is that the truth or is it my hatred that I can’t see her no

more, my imaginations seems to be dead.

I pushed her away, I didn’t want to, yet I managed to fuck it all up… it

was my hate, I hate to make a choice, I couldn’t give up hate… I couldn’t

give into her.

Did I love her? I did, but she barely knew the true me, the man I am…

she fell for the man hate had made out of me… it’s still me.

Why did I let her go, I had a choice between her and hate, between the

one who saved me from her love and her… I couldn’t give up hate… not

yet.

Who am I, who is this guy looking at me, who is me? Will anyone ever

know who I was or shall I be lost in the shadows of time.

I fell for her spirit, it didn’t take long for me to lose myself to her but no,

she never had a chance, I never let her in, she tried her best but I never

let her the opportunity to know who I really was.

What is it that you are scared of? What is it that you have that you

need to guard so strongly? Why do you not open up?

I love You more than You know

I admit I am a stupid guy, I am like every other idiot with a dick, but

nobody is like me, trust me, there isn’t a wreck like me other than me, I

am indeed special, at times I wonder god did spare some time in

making me, I couldn’t have been made in the assembly line he’s got…

why did he bother.

I loved you, I truly did, my love for you was as pure as my faith in god, I

do question it time and again but the fact remains, at the end of the day

I am god’s favourite son.

I still remember the times in Ferguson when I would steal glimpses of

you, some you would notice and some I cherished alone. I fell not for

your beauty, nor your smile, nor your smooth hair (yes, I had my eyes on

them long before you noticed), I didn’t fall in love with you for what I

saw, I fell for the spirit you hold, it was like when the created meets the

creator, like a rainbow in the dark, no looks shared, no words spoken

before I was lost.

It was puppy love at first you might think, but it wasn’t, that’s the way I

roll. I am a romantic at heart, hard to believe, maybe, but if I ever did all

the things that came to my mind, Romeo would live no more. I love love,

I love to love, to be loved, to spread love, it’s the only thing that really

makes me happy, everything else just makes me smile, nothing really

touches my soul.

I have issues, serious issues, am sure you may have noticed, but what

you see is only a tiny part of the problem. When I say, I am a wreck,

trust me I am a royal fuck up. I cannot share these issues with you nor

with anyone, I don’t know what I fear or maybe it’s my ego, no one will

ever know the true me, no one wants to. I may not show or maybe smile

it off but it’s hard being me, it’s hard to breathe at times and at times I

feel I never lived. I probably might end up as a schizophrenic, reality

chokes me, I can’t breathe, people scare me, words shock the shit out of

me, I can’t breathe the same air as everyone else, I have to depend on

my dreams and me to survive.

Then you come in, you were meant to be my saviour, you were sent to

this world, to this city to save me from destroying myself.

However harsh or evil I may seem, there’s beauty in me, a small corner

in the barren lands, an oasis in the darth lands, it’s that I protect, it’s all I

got that reminds me of being born, of being alive, being human,

everything else is dark, every other thing is evil. I don’t trust anymore,

expect only the false, I destroy pure by questioning it, that’s probably

the reason why I prefer being lost in my dreams, I cannot connect with

anyone, no one will ever understand the things that happen, even if I

could ever open up, my problems will never be solved. Secrecy is not a

choice, it’s the only option. I only wish I had some control on myself, I do

at times, but it’s more of an illusion, my hate controls me than me

controlling it.

When the walls crumble and weakness starts to conquer the soul, it’s

the strong who step up, it was hate for me.

I have a weak personality or rather had, growing up was tough, it still is

but I manage it each day drawing strength from hate, I wouldn’t have

survived otherwise. I am weak, vulnerable, soft and beautiful but it

rarely shows. What I am with everyone is a disguise, different masks for

everyone I know, no one knows my true face, sometimes I wonder if I

have one.

Being with you is the only time I ever feel secure, a time when I can

think of putting my guard down, being with you, giving myself in your

arms is my drug, my salvation. Not being with you or being away is

tough, addiction is cruel, once high it’s pretty but when short, it hurts

really bad, it’s the heart that aches, the soul that thirsts, even hate can’t

save me then, it’s this time that I really wish not breathing, not being

alive, I know what depression feels like.

I need you more than you would imagine, words cannot convey what

being with you means to me, my survival doesn’t depend on you but

you are probably the only thing that makes my life worth living.

I love you and I hate you at the same time, you manage to bring the

best and the worst in me, you have no clue what you do to me, what

your smile, your touch means to me, how your anger brings the best out

of me, your anger makes flowers bloom in my small garden of love, not

to mean anything to me, but just to bring that smile back on your face.

I want to steal you from this world, take you far away from everyone, I

want you to be only mine, I don’t wanna share even a tear of yours with

anyone, I want to run away from this degenerated world, somewhere

far away from here, somewhere pure and hold you tight. I want you, I

need you, I want to breathe you, I want my eyes to only see you and

yours to only see me, I want to hear only your words and you hear only

mine, I want to destroy everything else, I don’t need nor do I want it, all I

want is you.

I know things are not always well with me but somehow things always

seem to workout, its gods way of saying I love you. We argue, we fight,

we ignore each other, but no matter what happens nothing can remove

you from my system, you have grown into me. As much as I hate it, it’s

your smell that reminds me of heaven, it’s your voice that soothes my

soul, your smile that dissolves my hate, it’s you who will stop me from

destroying myself.

Opening up like this doesn’t soothe me as it should, it only makes me

more vulnerable, or maybe I am just paranoid, or maybe both, but it’s

hard for me to open up, I don’t trust, I don’t believe, all I do is question

and hate.

This is who I am, a glimpse of things that go unnoticed, but things that

matter, it’s often that the things that really matter are the things most

unnoticed.

My heart cries yet again

It frustrates me to have you but not really have you, being a scorpion

every sense of feeling comes with the highest rank of extremism. It’s

ironic but I don’t know if I can feel anything other than pain anymore. I

wasn’t like this but I was rarely ever happy. Is it the result of my actions,

the choices that I have made till now made me in the monster that I

have become, choices are supposed to be forward looking, did I choose

to be the devil, was it my destiny, was there no other role available for

me, my inherent hatred, my dark heart, are they my destiny or my

inheritance or my desires. It doesn’t matter, it’s who I am and I believe in

myself, it’s all that matters.

My actions are governed not by my wants, my desires or my greed, but

are my morals strong enough to stand the test of jealousy and self-

interest, will I survive the test of time, shall my morals rise or my

darkness prevail.

When shall the sun rise… how long do I have to bear this burden of

darkness all by myself… wasn’t it me who pushed her away… why?

There isn’t any doubt you have about the way you feel for her, what

happened to you then? Is it not love that you see in her eyes… why do

you see it as false, why do you not see her for what she is, why do you

have to blacken it all? Why is it so hard for you to trust? Only good

will come out of it, yet you take the road of thorns, why do you not

prevent the wrongs that you can control.

I can never trust anyone other than blood, everyone else is against me,

no one really cares, no one bothers to see me for me, hear the cries of my

aching heart, no one shall come through the door, wipe my tears, give

me a hug, no one shall ever know that I ever lived, how would they…

I really need her right now, she will never know.

Even your hate has betrayed you in this hour of darkness, the same

friend, your only friend that questioned trust, raised doubts, pushed her

away… yet you get betrayed, who is it that has betrayed you?

I never want to know, I shall lie here in the dumps, bear the heartless

setbacks, I shall do it alone and I shall rise… a new day shall bring me

hope and serenity, forever if not then only for a moment, but I shall rise

from the ashes of misery one more time, I shall live through this dark

night, I shall suffer, I shall not stop living… I shall not stop loving her, no

tears will ever live, I shall disappear in the darkness of time, and live…

once again.

Things need be done

I am the prince of darkness, I am the lord of death, I am the holy evil, I

am Satan.

Darkness resides within me but evil I am not, I only do what born I was

for, the strength of angels and face of god leads my soul.

Sometimes things need be done, no matter how much you may fear or

lose doing it, sometimes you have to sacrifice love, stab your beating

heart and let them go, sometimes you have to kill all good that resides

in you, murder your holy self, betray the principles you were born with,

sometimes you need to lose, sometimes you have to lose.

How else shall you control the evil that has grown into you and this

world, how else shall you stop yourself from destroying this world and

yourself. You let this evil out, you were weak, you were wrong, no

longer could you endure the weakness in your nerves and the darkness

of the night. You let the beast out, you opened the dreaded box, you

knew it was wrong but desperate you were, no longer could you

breathe in the darkness of the day, you only did it for your good, you

didn’t betray your own self, maybe the rest, the ones who made your

life worthwhile… but not yourself.

You had to do it, you had to let evil breathe, it was the only thing that

could have saved you… love had failed, but then it took over, you lost

your eyes, evil ran through your words, your actions, your thoughts,

your pure heart was poisoned, hate took over and the immortal bonds

of love faced the ire, brotherhood was lost, trust never lived again, faith

fell under the darkness of questions, accusations & betrayals.

I had to let in hate, I could not bear the cost of love, the cost of trust, the

cost of freedom. I was broken… no one knocked at my door, no one wiped

my tears… hate saved me then, but hate drove her away, I couldn’t have

saved the bond, I wanted to save the bond, I couldn’t live without the

bond, but it was the bond that I had lost it all.

You couldn’t live nor could breathe with or without her, hate had

taken over you but I was the one who turned her away and broke all

bonds.

Sometimes things need be done, I don’t know why nor do I know how,

but I had to push her away, my heart wasn’t cold, hate doesn’t control

me, yet I stood there watching as the holy bond broke… I had to.

She’s a free bird, a beautiful spirit, a shining light, she’s the bold night,

she’s the love of my life, I can’t make her smile, I can’t satisfy her spirit, I

can’t shine like her in the night, I am a weak soul, I am her immortal

lover.

I had to let her go, it was better for her, freedom was hers, the sun shone

for her, your ship sailed in the dark, storms took over your dying soul,

you wrote to die unnoticed. I had to let her go.

I shall always miss her and forever shall I not stop loving her, hate

cannot dissolve my love for her, however poisoned my heart may be… it

shall not stop beating for her.

I have to do what needs be done, evil needs be balanced for the good to

breathe. I am only his older brother, however dark I am seem, our

childhood grew together, I was the stronger son. I have come here to

destroy this world, they have saddened my brother, stopped not even to

abuse Mother Nature, your creator has left their scrolls of destiny at my

footsteps, their life is mine to take.

No evil pleasure nor any holy loss do I ever feel, for I only do what

needs be done, sometimes things need be done, it is this that makes me

the lord of death, the prince of darkness, Satan, and so I took away the

love of your life.

God wants me to take all their lives,

I love you and I forever will,

I have to kill them to free my brother of sadness,

I can’t live with or without you,

I have to avenge the abuse of mother nature, I have poisoned your

heart for he loved her, your love for her consumed you dry, I see your

mortal spirit, weak and abused,

However much I hate you, not trust you, let you abuse me, I still can’t

hope for a life without you, however much I try, I can’t get over you, i

can’t let you go, I won’t…

Hope hides in the darkness of greed, however corrupt I may make you,

hope shall not die in you, your soul shall not stop living nor loving. I

have to give you another chance, life can’t lose the gamble against

death, hate cannot conquer the love you’ve got.

My brother needs to grieve more, mother nature need suffer a bit more,

hope shall rise one day, birth of good in you is inevitable, your life is

meant for love and it shall one day transcend heaven, god shall one day

be jealous, god shall one day be proud, god shall one day be obliged.

All your sacrifices shall bear fruits one day, nothing shall go unnoticed,

the judgement of heaven awaits you.

God’s creation wont destroy his legacy, his divinity, all doubts shall be

erased, all betrayals repaid. Sometimes you do things, you don’t know

why, you don’t know how, you just do it cause it needs be done. You

shall not die today, your heart shall breathe love again… one day.

The Judgement of Hell

Everything matters and means a thing

I had other plans for you, god wants the end of you,

I wanted to destroy all my love for you, I wanted to free me of you,

I came here to ease god’s pain to avenge Mother Nature’s abuse,

I wanted to never remember you, I wanted to forget you as a bad

dream,

Everything that had happened since the moment I was born, since the

first time I made my mother cry… everything had a part to play. Every

little thing that happened from my tooth being pulled out to my

horrible Delhi days, everything had a role to play, however small

however negligible.

I am here because of all the things that occurred led me to this moment,

even a single change will change this time and place, an idea has more

than one source to blame. It is not a creation of a single soul, the entire

life history has led to it all, it wasn’t meant but it happened cause that

was to be done.

So that’s why newton set off gravity and mark hacked the networks, it’s

the same reason why I spare you all, for hope shall one day win you all.

My love might poison my soul, but my hate shall not live for long, love

shall conquer me one day, I shall let love live again.

I shall let you live another day.

It’s not my greed for whom to satisfy I write, it’s this moment that shall

not live in time if I not write, I stand not to gain, not a single smile nor do

I fear the wrath of society, I write not to prove anything, not to win your

smile, not to enter your mind, nor to salvage your lives. Greed doesn’t

make me write, there’s always a silver lining, diamonds are hard to find,

the seas are hard to swim but the shore brings peace and quiet, endure

the dark and the sun shall make you smile.

The longing for her love, the closeness to her spirit is my stairway to

heaven, but I am too weak to love her pure, I have the devil breathing

inside me, millions of cancers poison the pure me, it’s hard to be me. Yet

you shall never know, I shall love you however much I hate you and

however much you hurt me.

I shall push you away, I shall not let you breathe, I shall try to shape

your mind, but forever shall you be free, you are a free spirit, always

shall you shine, burn me to the bones u will and forever shall I try to

control you, forever shall I suffer in your love, but shall never not smile.

However much I try to hurt or forget, I shall always keep you safe and

make you smile till the end of my days.

Not all things End

Of Couse I won’t name my book Stupidity Inc., no matter what my

publicist says or my agent projects.

I had a dream and I had made a prophecy when I saw you the first time,

you were mine and I was gonna be yours and we were gonna be happy

for ever and ever.

Who’s Tania, I don’t know, I don’t remember any prophecy other than to

be with you, you are my dream, you are my prophecy. I see no ship, I see

no earrings, nor the black dress, I only see you, I see you as mine, I see

you blush, I see you smile, I feel nothing else than your love, it’s you who

shall live in my dreams each night, it’s for your smile that I shall do

what’s need be done, no fear no loss shall ever lose me my way.

I don’t know for how long my fingers shall let me paint but I shall not

stop till my fingers can move no more, I didn’t mean to make you smile

nor make you feel anything, I just started writing one night and

couldn’t stop, I couldn’t control my fingers nor my brain, I did not know

what I was writing but I ended up writing a lot about you, it wasn’t all

waste, it made sense, you should know how to find a diamond in the

dark.

This is not for all, it’s about me, I am what I am and I won’t ever want you

to know who I was or what lived in me. I have my share of problems but

don’t bother I don’t need your help, I have hate to survive, the same evil

that causes all problems, the same hate that pushed you away, the

same hate that want me to forget, the same hate that doesn’t want me to

stay.

I love you, not Tania, I shall not get married to Tania nor shall I shift in

her five bedroom book shelf in Gurgaon, nor shall I go to Canada to

visit the in-laws, although I like the idea of a long honeymoon, but I

would prefer new Zealand or Greece & Switzerland, and it won’t be

with the coffee addict ad woman, I want it to be with you, my old school

rock star, my bubbles.

That dream of Goa was not on a ship rather it was a wish to be with you

on the lonely beach. Just us in the dark, living in each other’s arms, a

lifetime of love under the holy moon light. I want the prophecy to be

right, I want to be in your life, in your eyes, in your voice, in your smell,

in your anger and in your pain. I make this prophecy to be with you,

and not anyone else.

It’s not the anniversary with Tania that I want to be special, it’s our

special day three years after the magic in Lavasa, where you teased

and played but then you gave up, the first day of my life of joy and

peace, and three years hence still a day of love, not for the seasons that

passed nor the sacrifices we made but the fact that we are still the two

crazy birds in love, still struggling to find a way to fly together, still

finding a way to keep our souls apart, we are free spirits that are meant

to be together, it’s not just destiny but its what’s need be done.

This is for you and only you, a celebration of love of life and being with

you, I shall hate you, anger you, cause you pain but no matter what

happen I can’t stop loving you, I always have and I forever will, nothing

shall ever free my spirit of your divinity, you are my love, my life, my

stairway to heaven.

I might not have covered 294 pages and maybe I might not have been

fun to be with but each word written, each moment spent with you was

purer than my faith in heaven. It’s in the small moment with you that I

have lived, my heart breathed, my soul salvated. I shall not live forever,

nor shall I breathe the free air for long, but I shall always remember the

freakish nicknames you game me (red ass baboon), and I shall always

remember the first kiss we shared, the hot pickle I had and the ice

cream you fed, the time at the lake, the long drive back, the love we

made as the world around slept, saying good bye and the ride away

from you.

I might not know everything about you, but I shall not forget each

single moment I lived with you.

You were born to save me and so you shall, we shall always be together

no matter what happens, for love will ensure we never stay far.

One last time

I shall not give up, not on you, not on mankind, hope shall rise one day,

from the ashes of destruction, and the sun shall once again shine on

your lives.

How shall I liberate myself of hate that I depend on, the corruption and

greed that destroys this world, how shall she be liberated, empowered…

freed, loved.

How shall the weak survive without what makes them breathe, how

shall I let myself love her again and not hurt each passing second.

It is my hate, my greed, my corrupted morals that make me strong, that

make me breathe, that allow me to exist, how shall I betray my survival

for the greater good of this world, for love, how shall I put my life

behind them, behind her, and give myself up selflessly.

I don’t know what’s happening, what’s gonna happen… I don’t know, it’s

hard being with her, but then being away from her isn’t any better, how

shall I adapt to this situation which demands an answers when I can’t

even get the alphabets right.

What choices should I make to make things right this time around, not

be blinded by greed & my hate, how shall I be resurrected again, how

shall hope cure me, how shall this world be saved, how shall her love

conquer my hate, can I control my greed, can I not let my corrupted

morals not blind me again, can I not let doubts arise, can I do what

needs be done?

A Sacred Request

Satan’s last words

He’s indeed a pure soul, a soul free of greed, free of corruption, free of

hate, free of pain,

He does struggle to live in this time for it was not his destiny to be born

this time,

He loves you as no soul ever could, he sees you as god intended to make

you,

He lives not to survive this race of life, he survives only to be with you,

The world makes him paranoid, evil and gay, yet he doesn’t mind and

smiles as he sails,

He never lets you in the sickness of his heart, he wants to save you from

the dawn of the dark,

Even his mortality doesn’t have any say, your joy is for what he finds

time to pray, he has his dark days and times of pain, he does all he

can to avoid your pain,

He doesn’t want but he does let you go, it’s only cause evils has taken

over his soul,

Pull him close, make his doubts disappear and he shall give up heaven

just to be in your arms,

Cure his cancers and let his heart breathe, his soul is yours for eternity,

A choice you have to save him or not, love him pure, don’t let him go.

for You.

To make sense of what you just read…

Synopsis

The world that exists today, in the state it has evolved to, has been

credited to the work of Men, it is indeed true, but its foundations are too

weak to withstand the winds of time, it’s the love of a woman that has

made it possible for it to exist for as long as it has. Men, corrupted by

their greed & self-interest have driven civilization to its extinction and

love has been lost to evil and hate, God has lost faith, he’s been

betrayed by his own creation, in his disappointment & grief its Satan

who shall hold the key to the existence of civilization & it’s the love of

a woman that can cure all cancers.

All that remains is a hope for love, a hope that love shall take birth in

the tainted heart again.