16 BANDT.COM.AU FEBRUARY 06 2009

That nasty looking economic wave we’ve all beenwatching from the beaches turns out to be atsunami that will engulf us here as well. The ASX hasperformed the equivalent of a swallow dive ontoconcrete, exporters have seen free-flowing rivers oftrade dry up Murray-Darling-style and everyone hasstood transfixed with horror as their margins havebecome rice-paper thin. Communications budgets,so often a barometer of recession, have softened.Hell, even Gerry Harvey is cutting spend.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks reading TheArt of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and TheAudacity of Hope by the new US president, sodespite all this, I’m as happy as a pig in shit. But, forthose of you who haven’t been Dalai Bama’ed, I’d sayyou’ve got two ways of greeting this crisis:

1. React with naked fear, marvelling as youradrenaline and cortisol levels shoot through theroof. There’s a problem with fear though; it stiflescreativity. How do I know? In what is, no doubt, ahighly dubious psychological experiment,researchers asked two groups of people to lead acartoon mouse out of a maze. One group led saidmouse to an inviting piece of cheese and a mousehole; the other to a scary owl, waiting to pounce.Then, in a subsequent creativity test, the lattergroup were 50% less creative. Proof positive, Ireckon, that viewing the recession as a scary owlisn’t likely to yield great results, especially in ournoble profession, where lateral thinking andentrepreneurialism will be needed in spades toescape the economic sinkhole.

2. Unless you’re borderline psychotic, you’re notgoing to welcome the impending fiscal doom as aninviting piece of cheese. However, you could greet itwith uncertainty. On the face of it, this may notsound a whole heap better than bug-eyed fear.However, there’s good evidence that uncertainty is amassive step up. For starters, it’s anacknowledgement and acceptance that we’re inunfamiliar territory. Better still, it’s anacknowledgement that the existing methods andtools may not be sufficient to do the job. Inuncertain situations, our intuitive ‘rat brains’ tend totake over as we find new and inventive ways ofsolving problems instead of relying on familiar, tiredmodes of operation.

If we’re fearful, we’ll see the industry gobackwards; a retreat to predictability. If we’reuncertain, we’ll see creativity thrive as we search formore entrepreneurial ways to solve the problemsthat lie ahead. Let’s hope, for all our sakes, that thescary owl doesn’t get the better of us.

I’ve recently moved house and so have enjoyed thethrills and spills of dealing with various utilitycompanies: gas, electric, water, telcos.

Judging by the speed and quality of the servicesprovided anyone would think only a handful ofpeople moved each year rather than it being amainstream activity. My experiences have led to therather ironic conclusion that dealing with powercompanies can leave you feeling powerless.

For starters, energy providers should be awarethat a 10-hour “window” for a technician to visit isnot particularly helpful to the nation’s workingfamilies. Having to wait at home between 8am and6pm for a technician to turn up to then spend fiveminutes at your property isn’t a great way to planyour day. And when you’ve been on the phone anhour and are scarlet with rage, it’s not a good timeto be asked if you’re interested in “green” energy.

If dealing with energy companies can sap yourenergy, then dealing with suppliers of high-speedinternet access can make you feel like you’re livingin slow-motion in a parallel universe. Broadbandproviders should be aware that “three businessdays” to wait for reconnection of your internet ishardly the service you’d expect from something soldon its speed and readiness. When you consider theenormous sums many of these big businesses forkout on their communications, it’s staggering that themost important and deep interactions manyconsumers have with them largely go ignored.

Which leads me to conclude that it’s ultimatelyfutile getting mad with utility companies. So whynot try to get even with them instead? Next timeyou phone a utility company start timing the callfrom the moment the switchboard robot reads outyour numerical options (“press five to hear theseoptions again, press zero to lose the will to live”).

When your matter is finally resolved, stop timingand decide how much of your time has been wasted.Then invoice them at your hourly market rate, orelse simply make up an incomprehensible unit ofmeasurement like “wastage watts” or “cubic effort”.This strategy seems to work for them.

When the accounts payable people query theinvoice, make them wait three working days beforeyou get back to them. Then tell them they need tospeak to another department and say you’ll putthem through, but keep them on hold for half anhour before cutting them off. Then invoice themagain with addition charges for late payment.

But just remember not to piss them off too muchor you might suddenly find your power goes off oryour internet stops working.

comm

ent

UNCERTAINTY IS NOTTHE SAME AS FEAR

A MOVING EXPERIENCE

TO MAKE A COMMENT EMAIL EDITORIAL@BANDT.COM.AU

Al Crawford Executive planningdirector, Clemenger BBDO

Adam Joseph Insights manager, Herald Sun

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