ULLDThe Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... Monday, 08 April 2013

AILY B ...like poorly taken photos!

We’ve all been there, in that moment, that gut-wrenching, teeth grinding, so awkward you could almost die (more on this tactic later) moment where you find yourself across from HIM/HER. Your heart starts beating, you start hyperventilating, and you start rattling off the best ways to lose a significant other before you even have them…

•Themouthbreather(takeasteportwoback,DarthVader). •Theadvocateforthe“showersareawasteoftime”club. •Thecreep. •Thedouchebag. •The“AlloftheAbove”(andlet’sfaceit,thismomentisatestandthe answer is ALWAYS all of the above).

Now, we all have our own traditional fallbacks in order to get out of this mo-ment, but those don’t always work, do they?

•Havehomework?He/shewouldbegladtohelp!(Uhoh….) •Youneedtogotothebathroom?They’llgladlywait!Rightout- side the door too… (not looking good…) •Youhavetogettoclass!Nicetry,butwhohasclassat10PMon a Saturday? (Back away slooooooooowly now…) •Ifallelsefails,it’stimetodropthebomb!“Ihaveaboyfriend/ girlfriend!”They’dlovetomeetthem!(ABORT,ABORT!)

If you’ve had to resort to these excuses recently, or hell, ever, then you’ve

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HowtoLoseAGuy/Girlin10Secondsby Connor Knudson ~ Daily Bull

TherehavebeenmanywhisperstravelingthroughthedormsofTechandthestreetsoftheKeweenawPeninsula.Today,I am here to unveil those mysterious thoughts to the public. If you have heard any of the strange whispers, you can now knowthattheyarevalid.MichiganTechstudentshavebeenbooking study rooms for business. What kind of business youask?Well thinkof it asaway forTechstudents to re-lax and receive a massage from a friendly and experienced employee. Not only do stressed students get the chance to relax and receive a massage, the students working at the massageclinicreceiveincomefromtheirservices.Themoreexperienced the student is with massaging, the higher their pay is.

I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the founder of themassageclinic,ImmaBeach.“Youknow,itissogreattoget all of these volunteers both male and female. Normally a male customer will be matched up with a female employee and the same the other way around. Ultimately, it is really up tothecustomerwhattheypreferthough.Ourmottois‘relaxyour way to climax.’ It is something that all of the employees herehavetakentoheart.”

Imma Beach’s thoughtful words encouraged me so much that I had to try the clinic out for myself. It was a complimen-tary massage that Imma offered to me so I had to take her up on the offer. I preferred to have a male employee give me a massage and was given Rico for an hour and a half. Due to some confidentiality agreement that I signed, I am not legally able to tell the public what the massage was like. All that I can say is that Rico is very talented with massage and he did not always use his hands.

ThePurpleLightby Theresa Tran ~ Daily Bull

All sciences are now under the obligation to prepare the ground for the future task of the philosopher, which is to solve the problem of value, to determine the true hierarchy

of values.-- Friedrich Nietzche

PicO’TheDay:Thanks,Satan.

see2.0Megapixel on back

seePotato on back

Speaking from experience, the centipede ones taste like death and poorly cured orphan tears mixed with chili powder.

DailyBull.students.mtu.edu/

cometotherightplace!Don’tfretgoodSirorMadame,becauseherearefivequickandeasy(10seconds, remember?)ways toget thatbogeyoffyourtail! 1.RUN!Thisone’sfun;maybeyou’llsetaworldrecordinyourten secondsprint!Agoodfriendofmindtriedthisoneoncebefore (notkidding).Itworked!Kindof...justremembertomaintainyour distance, indefinitely.

2.TheirOwnMedicine.Noonehatesanyonemorethanthem- selves!Give‘emtensecondsoflookingintoamirror!Themore obviousandextremeyourimpression,thebetter! 3.Fart.ALot.Themoreaudible,thebetter!Evenifyoufailtorelease some gas, the face you make while you try will certainly make them question your sanity (and why they’re even near you). 4.PlayDead!Giveintothatinstinctandrollthoseeyesintotheback of your head. Give the ground that trust fall it’s been waiting for (don’tworry,it’llcatchyou)!

5.TellThemYouWriteForTheDailyBull!Don’tusethisoneifyou actually want to talk/flirt with this person (we all get desperate sometimes),‘causeitworks…guaranteed…

Themassageclinicisopen24hoursandsevendaysaweek.Thecurrentlo-cationisroom69inthebasementofTheLibrarywhereappointmentscanbemade. Also, I am aware that the clinic is looking for volunteers and is currently hiring. Some requirements that the clinic is looking for in their employees are experiencewiththeartof“massage”invariousdimensions,charisma,andanicesmile.HurryTechstudents,positionsfillupquickly.Ifyouareinterestedinjoiningthisgreatcause,lookforthepurplelightfolks.

ProgrammingofficialsforFoxBroadcastingCo.havegiventhegreenlighttoanew television series based on the popular British drama, Downton Abbey. ThepilotforDowntonABBAwillairearlynextmonth.

“ThinkofitasacrossbetweenDowntonAbbeyandGlee,”saidexecutiveproducerBradFalchuk.“ExceptittakesplaceinAmericaandalltheysingareABBA songs.

“Iknow-brilliant,right?”headded.

Fox has purchased six episodes of the series, which depicts the lives of one-percenterstheCarsonfamilyandtheiruppermiddleclassfriendsinanObama-eraAmerica,withcurrentandrecenteventsplayinga largerole inthe plot of each episode.

Each show features a classic Abba hit performed by the cast with the lyr-ics updated to reflect the context of that particular episode. Songs slated forthefirstfewepisodesincludeObamamia,GimmeGimmeGimme(ATaxBreak for the Wealthy), and Fiscal Queen.

“EverybodylovesABBA:ABBAremixes,ABBArehashes,ABBArevivals,”saidFox Entertainment president Kevin Reilly. “We’re just doingwhat Foxdoesbest:takingtwogreatideassomeoneelsecameupwith,mashingthemto-gether, adding some unoriginal flavor, and calling it our own.

“Iknow-brilliant,right?”headdedoncemore.

Asked if any of the original ABBA members might make a guest appearance ontheshow,ReillytoldTheBull,“Youneverknow.”AskedifanyoftheoriginalABBA members might make a guest appearance on the show, Benny Anders-sontoldTheDailyBulltogetoffhisproperty.

/ u s e r / t h e d a i l y b u l l 8 0 0 8

GREAT SON OF LIFE GRAND VIZIER

SECRETARIATAlex Dinsmoor

Typewriter Monkeys: Liz‘Riz’Fujita,OliviaZajac,Nathan‘Invincible’Miller,Jon‘BigO’Mahan,CameronLong,JeanineChmielewski,Jeremy‘Mr.Sunshine’Loucks,AlecHamer,SamSchall,VeronicaTabor,ChasePeterson,KenArndt,CoreyTindall, Theresa Tran,Abigail Skibowski, Evan Krettek, Ian Peoples,ConnorKnudson,andGLaDOS.

Rico Bastian

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from 2.0Megapixelon front from Potatoon front

FOXBroadcastingTakesGambleonDowntonAbbey Reboot

by Elise Conley ~ Komandarm

So...Maze, Anyone?

I before E. Except when you’re running a feisty heist on a weird beige neighbour, caffeine strung atheists are reinventing

protein, and plebeians deign to forfeit at their leisure.

“Idolovediningwithyourmother.SheremindsmeofthefavouroftheBritish.”

“But....she’sAmerican.”

“Exactly.”