Darren’s Story

Sitting like a pond with no ripples in the middle of the forest – Littlejohn

• Parents litany of ailments – Mom (cancer, arthritis, bipolar, borderline)

Dad ( Abandoned by parents, forced child labor)

• Darren developed OCD in childhood – would save and collect “things” primary and secondary identifications

• Help to retain and ground fledging self – both necessary and later a hindrance to freedom

• Does push away becoming familiar with ourselves inside

• Years later Darren would be introduced to the Buddhist notion of “No-Self”

Childhood of Pain: Inherited or Otherwise

Early meditation practice – there was a call from beyond and sprinklings of (Krishnamurti / Zen )

Moved to “Cali” had to fit in

Began drinking – and then it became guzzling

Tracking the Divine

Began to smoke weed, dropping acid, being “stoned” became a mystical happening

Darren thought he was transcending the “consciousness of his intolerable situation”

Stood with sixty thousand people behind me at Led Zeppelin's Day on the Green (it was more than a pilgrimage to rock ‘n’ roll Mecca… It was a spiritual experience”)

However, Darren never found any real peace – and yet because of hallucinogens - I had the knowledge that things aren’t what they appear to be

First Drug Use: An Unconscious Pursuit for Enlightenment?

• Drug use escalates “PCP use”

• Brother’s crude intervention both physically and psychologically – backfires

• Trauma of the beating(s) scarred Darren for years

• Parents charged for food stamp fraud

• Moves with brother – introduces him to blow – and the rides continues

Violent Interventions: Darkness Descends

Dove hard into AA and spirituality

Married, child, work (real world) began college

Relationship fallout again – psych program did not fill the inner seeker quest for…

Completed three years of cognitive behavioral therapy

Instead of pursuing spiritually further “got new psychiatrically challenged girlfriend” took some acid and dived into Zen

Sobriety v. 1.0 – Ten Years of AA

o First teacher – too simple

o Second teacher – took it seriously / partner relapsed (led to avenue with

o Third teacher “Joko Beck” real teacher; JB: “pay attention”; DL: “To what”? JB: “Oh, I don’t know, your eyebrow”

o Added a therapist to deal with emotional content arising from Zazen

Zen and the Art of Relapse

Thought I needed LSD to experience enlightenment – thought I could unravel the experiences of the universe through spirituality, therapy, graduate studies in psychology – still somewhat depressed

And the drugs hadn’t changed this pursuit either – Darren experience was that his pursuit of Zen or Buddhism was breaking the through the addiction

Had his seeking become an addiction?

Full blown relapse (ecstasy) – designer drugs / life completely falls apart / dope / job loss / drunk driving

Relapse: Seduced By the Mind

Joined manic depressive support group and during this time I stumbled upon a “Young People’s” 12-step meeting I have been sober ever since (1997)

Diagnose with mental illness (bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder, poly-substance abuse, impulse control, post-hallucinogenic perceptual disorder – plus a brain disease – called addiction

While my 12-Step program is a vital part of my recovery and integral to my spiritual path, it alone is not enough.

Have let go of meds one at a time

This book is about how Darren learned to how work recovery (addiction and mental illness) through integrating the 12-steps, Zen, medicine, and developing a sense of community.

Sobriety V. 2.0