day by day issue 3

1 | Day by Day

issue 3

Advice

and support

when you

need it

Forgetmenot Publishing

Lost and found: tracing missing relatives ● Their possessions: when you’re readyto clear out ● Saying it with charity: non-floral tributes ● Our experts answer your questions ● Outward signs of grief: the return of bereavement pins

Looking ahead The right time

for healing?

HOW TO BE A GOOD LISTENERPractical advice forgiving support

LET’S DO LUNCHNourishment forbody and spirit

TALKING MEMORIES All you need to know about writing a eulogy

SUPPORT FOR THE BEREAVED FUNERAL PLANNING GUIDANCE & INSPIRATION FRIENDS WHO CARE

Cover photo: © Paul Ruffle

L i v i n g b e y o n d g r i e f

Day by Day

Day by Day | 19

www.aboutthefuneral.com

The independent UK funeral comparison & review siteHelping you afford the funeral you want

Day by Day | 3

Day by Day | 19

The independent UK funeral comparison & review site

Editor’s LETTER

Day by Day is published by Forget Me Not PublishingSt Line House, Mount Stuart Square, Cardiff CF10 5LR

Tel: 029 2029 1704 Advertising: [email protected]

Features editor: [email protected]

Day by Day is not for profit. All profits raised through advertising will be distributed between the charities we are proud to support (see back page).

Sponsored by:

A fresh start – in your own time

The Independent UK Funeral Comparison and Review Sitewww.aboutthefuneral.comTel: 029 2029 0562

Charity shops need your old clothes more than ever at this time of year. For more information see www.clothesforcharity.org.uk and www.charityretail.org.uk/faqs_donate.html to find out more about putting your cast-offs to work and about volunteering opportunities.

This time of year can be difficult for the recently bereaved. All

holidays and anniversaries are difficult, but Christmas, with its emphasis on family and relentless jollity, is particularly hard.

The new year encourages us to change, make resolutions, improve one’s life, take control. All positive impulses for most of us, even if we are guaranteed to have given up most of them by February. For those struggling to come to terms with loss, platitudes about growth and renewal will do little to lessen the sense of desolation.

Other people’s preoccupations – losing a few pounds, getting more early nights, drinking less – may appear trivial. Superficial talk of moving on, making a fresh start just hits a jarring note. What are you supposed to do? Throw out what’s left of your grief with the remains of the turkey and the Christmas tree or put it back in the loft to gather dust with the decorations?

Perhaps though, the bereaved do have something to learn from everyone else at this time of year. In a cold, dark January and February, we can seek simple distractions before the onset of spring.

You may not be ready to restart your life, but how about finally getting round to sorting through a loved one’s possessions, picking out a few treasures and bagging up the rest for the local charity shop? It might make a big difference to how you feel. It might also help someone else.

In this issue Lovingly Managed provides tips on how to start clearing out the clothes and other possessions the departed leave behind.

On a similarly practical note, JustGivingtalks about the growing trend to donate to charity as an alternative to buying flowers for a funeral.

In their different ways, both articles carry the same message about looking for the positive and about the comfort the bereaved can take in starting to refocus their attention on the wider world and the needs of others, often after a long period of introspection.

It is important for those with friends or family going through grief to be aware just how hard this time of year can be. For the individuals themselves, who may be in a dark place, it is equally important to start looking forward and remember that profound grief, like the winter months, will pass eventually.

Kim [email protected]

@daybydaytalkPhoto: ©Kelly Booth

The independent UK funeral comparison & review site

4 | Day by Day

Lullaby Trust

The end of 2013 not only marked the 25th anniversary of the Lullaby Trust’s Care of the Next Infant (CONI) programme, but also recognised the hard work of their highly experienced health visitors who offer this unique service throughout the country.

CONI provides support to families who are looking forward to a new arrival, but who have experienced the sudden and unexpected death of a baby in the past.

St James’s Palace was the perfect setting for the presence of HRH the Duchess of Gloucester, patron of the Lullaby Trust, and lauded international actress and charity ambassador Emilia Fox.

Day by Day TALKDeath Café to open in Manchester

Local funeral director Hugh O’Brien will be hosting Manchester’s first death cafe event at 7.15pm on 27 January at Moor Club in Heaton Moor.

A death cafe offers people the chance to gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death.

Hugh O’Brien said: “I wish to open up a dialogue about death and create a local network of people who are happy to come together and speak openly about something which happens to us all. The death cafe will be an opportunity to talk, without prejudice, about a subject which is often a taboo for many.

“I aim to build upon this going forward and create a local resource which will offer an information hub about death, dying and family preparation.”

See more at: http://bit.ly/1atDHt5

IT developer Joe Davies came up with a unique idea to give visitors to his father’s grave a truly interactive experience, according to a report in the Daily Mail.

He had a QR (quick response) code engraved on the headstone plaque which can be read by a smart phone directing visitors to a memorial webpage in honour of merchant seaman Charles Davies. Mr Davies, who died at 91, served in Arctic convoys during World War Two.

The Last Tear is the heartbreaking true story of former Royal nanny and author Jean Alice Rowcliffe’s only

child James, a dynamic 17-year old who was diagnosed in San Francisco with an extremely rare form of terminal cancer in the summer of 2008. He died 11 months later on the eve of Mother’s Day.

Rather than allowing cancer to define his days, James became even more focused on school, college applications and his future, inspiring not only his peers but the wider community. Even President Obama’s attention was caught by his valiant stand to live a complete and normal life despite his declining health.

When James died, the author experienced crippling sorrow that emotionally paralysed her for years. She shares the memories of that time with candour; her story will touch anyone who has struggled with the excruciating grief surrounding profound loss.

Poignant and at times difficult, this book eventually uplifts as it transcends a tale of cancer and death to embrace the larger canvas of how to live beyond sorrow.

Book review: The Last Tear

Over 300 people, including 250 health visitors, were also in attendance at this delightful event.

The Lullaby Trust provides specialist support for bereaved families and promotes expert advice on safer baby sleep. www.lullabytrust.org.uk

Francine Bates OBE, chief executive, the Lullaby Trust; the Duchess of Gloucester, patron of the Lullaby Trust; Emilia Fox, actress and Lullaby Trust ambassador and Christian Jones, managing director, the Gro Company.

Son installs interactive QR code on his father’s gravestone

LIBRARYIN THE

Editor'schoice

Kim Bird thinks very highly of this book and would like to offer a free copy to the first three readers who email her a request:[email protected]

The Last Tear: A Memoir from Amazon... http://bit.ly/dxdlasttear

More people than ever before now choose to donate to charity in

memory of a lost loved one, often as an alternative or addition to flowers and gifts. In fact, donating to a charitable cause is now the preferred mark of respect with two thirds of British adults (67%) choosing to make a donation to charity over flowers, according to research from JustGiving.

Often, after a loved one passes away it can be difficult to know where to direct friends and relatives who wish to make a gift or donation in their memory.

By setting up a dedicated in-memory page online, the process is simplified as people can be directed to one place to give.

Given the pressure which close family members and friends face after a loss, coupled with grief, creating one link for family and friends who wish to give commemoratively helps to relieve some of the added burdens that coordinating funeral arrangements can bring.

The page can even be used to let people know funeral arrangements, and those who are unable to make it can still pay their respects by sharing stories and leaving messages.

Photographs can also be added to in-memory pages, creating a collection of digital memories that can be shared among all those grieving; a digital legacy that lasts forever.

Another benefit of setting up in-memory pages following a bereavement is the source of comfort that selecting a charity can bring. Choosing a charity that reflects the wishes of the lost loved one can be a peaceful reminder of their memory while fundraising helps to keep the bereaved busy.

The charities which are chosen are often those that the deceased were passionate about or those which may have helped them during their illness.

Fundraising for these causes online instead of traditional cash collections also generates more money for the chosen charity - a further 25% - if the donor is a taxpayer, through Gift Aid. This helps people to rest assured that their donations are not only safe, but that as much of the money as possible gets to the charity, particularly since JustGiving estimates £25 million is lost every year through funeral donations made offline.

Duncan Dunlop of JustGiving said: “The ability to raise funds for good causes in memory of a lost loved one isn’t a new idea, but it’s being made so much easier and more effective through the internet.

“The result is a permanent online legacy that reflects the person’s passions and personality in life that can help friends and family make sense of their loss and become an uplifting way of keeping their memories alive.”

For more information on fundraising in memory or setting up an in-memory page, please visit: www.justgiving.com/funeraldirectors

charity, not flowersTwo thirds of us say it with We Remember...

Nelson Mandela’s life spanned almost the whole of the 20th century and few people had a more positive influence on the world.

Born in 1918, Rolihlahla Mandela was the son of the principal counsellor to the acting king of the Thembu people. He became Nelson at school, where it was common practice to give children Christian names.

Mandela was only 12 when his father died and he was made a ward of a local elder. Here he heard stories about the struggle for freedom of his ancestors, which helped form the views he would carry for the rest of his life.

In a famous speech in 1964, shortly before he was sentenced to life imprisonment, Mandela said: “I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.”

Mandela paid a high price for his own loss of freedom. He suffered periods of poor health in prison and was not granted leave to attend the funerals of his mother and eldest son in 1968 and 1969 respectively. He declined several conditional offers of release.

In 1994, four years after he was freed, Mandela became South Africa’s first democratically elected president, a post he occupied for a single term, as he had promised.

Mandela’s stature and reputation continued to grow in the decade and a half between the end of his active political life and his death in Johannesburg in December 2013.

Nelson Mandela18 July 1918 – 5 December 2013

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6 | Day by Day

When you lose a person close to you it will inevitably change

your life. If it is your partner or spouse that has died then you will not just be grief-stricken but lost. The absence of someone you spent each day with could turn your world upside down.

One of the greatest burdens to bear after loss of a loved one is loneliness. It is especially difficult if you were a close couple and did not need a large circle of friends or if you had spent long periods nursing your partner prior to death and withdrew from any social life.

As soon as you feel ready, it is essential to start making steps towards a new life, however impossible this might seem.

Lunch clubs are a great way to take a first step and there are numerous different organisations running such events throughout the UK every day.These clubs can be valuable to the bereaved for many reasons.

The regular date of the lunch will start to create structure in your life again, giving you something to plan around, get ready for and, of course, look forward to. It will also ensure that you get out of the house, as it is all too easy to become isolated, which can lead to other issues such as depression. Often the attraction of a lunch club is the simple pleasure of being able to share a meal with

companions.Tapper Funeral Service based in Hampshire runs regular buffet lunches for widows and widowers to encourage social interaction and mutual support for people who find themselves in similar situations.

The lunches are aimed at people who have been widowed within the previous two years or so, and it is not uncommon for some to be making this their first social outing on their own. Tapper Funeral Service points out that

LunchLet’s do

Wellbeing SUPPORT

many widowed people live very close to each other but do not have a forum to get together. The lunch clubs allow them to meet the people most likely to understand bereavement – other recently bereaved people.

Age UK Bedfordshire, which also runs lunch clubs, told Day by Day that there is no one ingredient that makes a successful lunch club but a combination of home cooking, social contact, friendly staff and a great network of volunteers.

It is important to remember that new friendships are not about replacing or forgetting the person you have lost but an important part of the process of re-establishing your life and adapting to the inevitable changes brought about by bereavement.

For information on lunch clubs in your area visit: www.ageuk.org.uk

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The first thing to say is that you shouldn’t feel under any pressure to dispose of anything until you are absolutely ready. Different people will feel ready to face dealing with certain tasks within different timeframes following a loss so don’t let well meaning children or other close relatives or friends pressurise you into getting to grips with this unless you are absolutely ready.

Some bereaved people might find it comforting to have the possessions of their deceased spouse in situ for some time after the death. For others, it may be too upsetting and they may want them gone as quickly as possible.

Another thing to think about is whether or not you want to do this on your own or have a family member or friend to do it with you. Whatever you decide, make sure you’re in the right frame of mind.

So, what do you do with the clothes? Well, there are a number of options. Firstly, you can give items to family members and close friends or ask if they would like to have anything to remember the deceased by.

Obviously, there are lots of charity shops that always welcome donations and this presents an easy way to get clothing and other items out of the house quickly. There may also be a

local homeless shelter in your areathat would welcome a donation of clothing. If you don’t have transport then make it clear that the organisation will have to collect as most will have a network of volunteers that will happily pick up from you.

For hobby equipment, (eg musical instruments, golf clubs and fishing tackle) you could ask the deceased’s club or the friends who enjoy the same hobby if they want some items or know of someone who would appreciate them or is in need of them. Perhaps a younger club member with limited funds? Alternatively the club could raffle them to raise money.

If the deceased had a large collection of books that need to be cleared then the local library may accept donations or a local high school or hospitals.

For specialist collections such as stamps, vinyl records, porcelain, toys, militaria, there is bound to be a specialist collector or dealer fairly locally who will be interested in taking the collection.

Finally, there is no need to feel guilty about disposing of items that you no longer want in your home. Keep only those things that have a special meaning and that you enjoy in their own right.

Day by Day | 7

When you really need to let goDisposing of a loved one’s possessions following a

bereavement can be an emotionally charged task that different people will feel ready to face at different times, but if you lost a loved one in 2013 and feel that the new year is a good time to tackle this then here are a few suggestions to help you.

Practical SUPPORT

Catherine Corless is a director of Lovingly Managed, a company specialising in the provision of practical services, from wills to house clearances, to help individuals and families plan for and cope with dying and bereavement. This is currently a service operating across South Wales and surrounding areas though other services including wills, LPAs, advance directives and pre-paid funeral plans are available nationally.

www.lovinglymanaged.com

8 | Day by Day

Our experience of loneliness and emptiness may make us reluctant to face a new year but it is important to remember that 1 January is just another day. It has no real power or meaning unless we choose to give it one.

The new year doesn’t change things; we’re still alone and still grieving. However, it can signify a fresh start and a new beginning.

When we are grieving we tend to stand at the doorway of a new year looking back rather than forward. Our fear is that if we walk through we will be leaving our lost loved one behind.

Moving on and making plans for the year ahead may seem like an act of abandonment but as support site Focus on the Family explains: “The goal is not to forget the person who has died; it is to finally reach the point where you can remember your loved one without experiencing disabling grief.”

When we are grieving, it is hard enough to get through each day, so facing a whole new year ahead can be extremely daunting.

Can we handle any more challenges or find the strength to live through another year of anniversaries and memorable events, which provide a constant reminder of the loved one we have lost?

COVER STORY

Looking forwardto a new year but taking time to

look back

Schedule

in a social

activity

Day by Day | 9

Looking forwardto a new year but taking time to

look back

Re-build your motivation by returning to a past hobby or activity that you enjoyed

Schedule in some time to yourself such as a relaxing bath, long walks or simply quality time to sit down and read a good book

Put a favourite photo in your purse or wallet to stay connected with the loved one that you have lost

Create some space in your home or garden where you can spend some time remembering and reflecting on the life of the deceased. In time this will be a place where you sit and smile at a wealth of happy memories

If there’s a place you’ve always wanted to visit, an ambition you want to fulfil or an experience you’ve longed to have - start thinking about the first steps you need to take to get there

Schedule in a social activity each week such as dinner with friends or a trip to the cinema

Try to plan regular and consistent bedtimes. A regular sleeping pattern can help improve both your mood and energy levels.

Find out more: www.focusonthefamily.com

Taking positive steps for 2014

Put a

favourite

photo in

your purse

Day by Day | 9

10 | Day by Day

In this issue, Natasha Wilton reflects on the untimely loss of her father

Personal accounts of loss, told by readers in their own words

shame as it can alleviate all of the awkwardness that people feel when talking to one another after a death. It is strength in solidarity, I suppose. Immediately afterwards, I found that the best way to cope was to talk very openly about my father’s death. I found my closest friend to be an enormous comfort to me and she provided a great consistency to my life encouraging me to keep up the activities that kept me busy.

I was put in touch with a young lady who had lost her father a few years before, we became pen friends and exchanged letters for some time and I found her letters very helpful and full of good humour. Years later I am so touched that someone would make the effort to be so wonderfully open, honest and above all normal at a time of sadness.

My determination to continue with life as normal may have seemed cold and unemotional to some people. I was convinced that inactivity would bring on a grief that I could not cope with. Even now, I rarely visit my father’s grave apart from to arrange maintenance and cleaning of the stone.

Years later I was able to participate as a volunteer at a camp for children who were either grieving or sick themselves. This was a tremendously rewarding thing to do and I would encourage people to be of practical or emotional help to those who are struggling.

It was with a sense of unreality that I woke one night with my mother in my room telling me that something was wrong. For a moment after she had left the room I lay staring at the ceiling, my faith in tatters.

My father stayed at home, but as his health was deteriorating I went to stay with my aunty and uncle for a few days. In the early hours of Thursday morning I heard the telephone ring followed by the slam of the front door and knew that my darling Daddy had lost his long and bravely fought battle.

The following day my mother, who was so strong and brave throughout the whole thing, became quite unable to cope. We always said that no one ever wrote a book on being widowed at a young age, there is no script or prescribed way of dealing with such a huge loss. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it was for her.

We didn’t attend the wake arranged by my grandparents and, looking back, I do think this was a

10 | Day by Day

I can’t remember when I was first told that my father was ill but I do remember that I

had never heard of cancer before. I was about ten years old and full of the childish confidence that tells you that everything will be just fine. It wasn’t fine.

Even as I was told a few years later that the cancer was terminal I still held out for a miracle. I think we all did deep down and it was with a sense of renewed hope that we moved from rural Wiltshire in to the city to be on the bus route to the hospital. Eventually my father came home and my mother nursed him with dedication, never complaining about the workload. They were both in their early thirties and it’s only now that I am that age myself that I can see how difficult it must have been for both of them. We had patio windows put in the lounge so that dad could spend hours looking out over the city with his faithful Shadow – a tabby cat that he had rescued. I have many memories of him and the cat sitting quietly while my mother waited on them both.

“ Immediately afterwards, I found that the best way to cope was to talk very openly about my father’s death.”

From the heart...living beyond grief

Day by Day | 11

How to be a

Providing support to people who have experienced a bereavement

and are going through a life changing time is not easy but it is immensely valuable. Although you cannot erase the pain, you can provide comfort by being there to listen.

A good listener asks questions, knows when to keep quiet, when to pick up on a topic and is able to recognise when more help is required.

Some people are born to be good listeners. For the rest of us, here are some practical tips on becoming a better listener.

1 Create the right environment

•Turnoffyourmobilephone so you will not be disturbed

•Removeyourcoatsoyoulook like you are staying for a while and not in a hurry

•Suggestyoumakeacupofteabefore you sit down to chat

•Makesurethatyoutellyour friend that you have plenty of time to sit and talk

•Ensurethattherearenophysicalobstacles between you such as a table or desk

•Beawareofthedistancebetweenyou both. A conversation can feel formal if you are too far away, but if you’re too close it may be uncomfortable.

2 Your behaviour

Sit quietly to give the impression of calmness whether or not you really feel calm. Speak with a soft and gentle tone. You will come across as overpowering if you are too loud or forceful.

3 The power of silence

Most of us are not used to sitting in silence with another person and we will often speak just because we are feeling uncomfortable. However, if someone stops talking it can mean that they are thinking of something sensitive and painful. It is fine to keep quiet and wait until they are ready to open up and talk again.

4 Be aware of your body language

You can encourage the person to feel relaxed and open up with body language. Adopting a similar body posture as the speaker will put them at ease. Nodding your head and maintaining eye contact will reassure them that they have your full attention.

5 The importance of touch

Touch can be extremely effective to let someone know that you are there for them. It might help to hold their hand or put your arm around them. If the person is having a very difficult time, they might feel very isolated and the warmth of human contact will provide great comfort.

CARING FRIEND

good listenerThere is no better skill than the ability to be a good listener. A friend who can sit and listen while we unload our worries, fears and emotions is a precious gift indeed.

12 | Day by Day

Badge of grief

Modernisation is usually seen as a positive thing, but there are

traditions that have been lost along the way. One of these is the external symbol of grief to indicate that someone is in mourning.

In Victorian times, mourning was a long and solemn ritual. A widow would not leave the house for several weeks. When she did appear in public, she would be heavily veiled and might wear a particular form of headdress – the widow’s cap. Men also wore unrelieved black.

In the final stage of mourning, women wore black gloves and men a black tie or armband worn on the left arm.

Mourning brooches or pins were also commonly worn by widows long after the funeral.

Such obvious displays of mourning have largely disappeared, but there are many who would like to see the tradition return, albeit in a more modern form. For example when a grieving person returns to work it may make the initial period easier if others

The passing of traditional symbols of mourning has left the bereaved without a practical way to let others know they have suffered a recent loss and a way to express their own feelings. But while widow’s weeds are a thing of the past, other signs of mourning are making a comeback.

CASE STUDY

Mourning Cross bereavement pin

Mourning Cross bereavement pin was created by an Irish mother and her three daughters. They had several experiences of attending funerals where they did not know all of the immediate family, making it difficult to pay their respects.

They created bereavement pins for those closest to the deceased to wear as a sign of mourning.

The family believe that reviving and preserving the tradition plays a symbolic role in remembering the departed, as well as a practical reminder to others to respect the grieving.

The elegant pins, which also serve as treasured keepsakes, are fashioned in either black or white enamel in the shape of a cross or in a non-denominational circular version.

can see they have been recently bereaved. The visual cue may save upset and embarrassment, prompting colleagues to show sympathy and exercise tact.

The extravagant and somewhat impractical outfits of mourning are unlikely to make a comeback, but other more discreet symbols are available. Examples include the bereavement pin and the griever’s leaf.

Both have a central image of a dove in flight and are presented on a card with the expressive poem It’s My Time by Jacky Newcomb.

The Mourning Cross Bereavement Pin is available from www.mourningcross.com

Day by Day | 13

The Griever’s Leaf

Judy Carole wanted mourners to be able to wear a symbol to make their loss known without having to make an announcement that most shy away from.

She created the symbol of the leaf, which has no religious or cultural significance but which is a universal symbol for the circle of life and the eternally changing nature of the seasons.

The leaf symbol is worn as a lapel pin. It can be worn for as long or short a time as required. There is no time limit on grief, nor is there a limit on the process of grieving.

The Griever’s Leaf pin can be worn on days that the mourner is feeling particularly sensitive no matter how long ago the death has occurred. Or perhaps it might be worn on an important anniversary.

The Griever’s Leaf is available from www.endoflifebook.com/leaf-pin

Judy Carole is a trainer in end of life care, bereavement and loss, and dementia awareness for Age UK. She is also a bereavement counsellor with Cruse Bereavement Care.

“ The family believe that reviving and preserving the tradition

plays a symbolic role in remembering the departed, as well

as a practical reminder to others to respect the grieving.”

14 | Day by Day

How did you get in to genealogy?Working as a people tracer initially, our service began to fall in to a niche of tracing more and more lost family and friends. This meant people knew lots of useful information about the people they were looking for, but not the information a tracer needs to locate an exact match to a current address. It quickly became clear to us that genealogy was the key to bridging the gap between the information known and the information needed. Having already been a keen family history researcher for my own family, which gave me a good basic knowledge, I have spent the last few years developing and honing my genealogy skills, with a specific view to tracing people.

What makes a good people finder?I think to be good at anything you need passion for what you do. Needless to say we are extremely passionate and we constantly strive to improve our knowledge and the information we have access to. We hate it when we have a case we can’t solve and so on the rare occasion this happens we look at why and try and figure out a way to overcome that problem. The other key attribute is persistence. We make sure that when we perform a search we leave no stone unturned as we realise the work we do can change people lives. At the end of the day we have to be satisfied we have done everything possible to help each and every client.

What happens in a typical day?New cases come in on a daily basis and so we start by consulting with our clients to find out what information they know and then explain how we can help. Once we have all the details from the client we start the investigation. We use genealogy information to fill in any gaps and then use our location systems and databases to track the person to a current address. Each case is very different and it’s a matter of gathering all the information available and putting the pieces of the jigsaw together until we find the exact person.

FinderMonkey is the UK’s leading people tracing agency dedicated to finding the exact person you have lost contact with. One part of their business is working with people

trying to track down distant relatives and friends to inform them of a recent bereavement in reference to the funeral or will.

David Oates is the company’s head trace researcher and is one of the UK’s top genealogy and people tracing experts.

Professional INSIGHT

Lost & Found

Day by Day | 15

10 | Day by Day

A: All people, whether young or old, have many intense feelings when someone dies. People often feel sad, confused, angry, guilty and sometimes even relieved if the person who died had been poorly for some time.

Children are just the same but, depending on their age and stage of development, their ability to understand and use words to describe their feelings varies. It helps to talk with children about how they are feeling and to talk about the feelings people normally have when someone important in their life dies. With very young children, it is easier to do this using some of their own soft toys, puppets or dolls.

With the right support and information, children and young people can be helped to understand what has happened and can slowly learn to

live with their loss. Sharing feelings and talking to family and friends and keeping memories alive can be an important and gentle way of dealing with grief.

Young people benefit from building and holding on to positive memories.

Sometimes it can be really helpful to keep special things connected with the person who died in a memory box. Children can add to this whenever they want and can share the contents with other people if they want to. They can keep mementos such as photos, shells from a special holiday, birthday cards and anything else that will act as a trigger for special memories.

Special days such as birthdays and anniversaries can be very hard after someone important in a family has died. It may help to try and plan

these days, to prepare openly for a day you know is going to be challenging, or to mark the day in a special and positive way. Some families choose to light a candle or visit a place that evokes happy memories of the person who has died. Winston’s Wish offers a national helpline for anyone concerned about a child coping with the death of a family member – 08452 03 04 05. The helpline is open from 9am-5pm, Monday to Friday and from 7pm to 9.30pm on Wednesday evenings.

Helen MackinnonWinston’s Wishwww.winstonswish.org.uk

A simple approach to funeral planning since 1995

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A: There is no reason why you should have to give up your husband’s clothes because he is not with you anymore. Some people gain great comfort from having those familiar things around them still.

There will be lots of well-meaning people who will tell you what you should or should not be doing with his things, but their advice will be from a perspective of what they have done themselves or what they think they would do.

I had an aunt who gave all my uncle’s clothes to charity within a very short time of his death, only keeping a pair of his favourite slippers. For her it was the right thing to do.

My father, however, kept everything of my mother’s and it was all still there when he died. For him that was the right thing to do.

Do what makes you comfortable. In time you may decide to clear out one or two things but if you don’t then that is entirely up to you.

Judith Marples, life coachwww.jmhaspirations.org.uk

Q: I can’t bear to be parted from my late husband’s clothes. Is this behaviour wrong?

Q: How can I help to keep memories alive?

Our experts are here to help. Please email [email protected]

What is the most common reason to find people?In terms of family and friends it’s curiosity, in fact I would say it’s a burning curiosity. If it’s a search for a biological parent, this is often a result of a long separation and in many cases they have never known their parents.

You must have hundreds of fascinating stories about reunions. What is the most memorable?One case that springs to mind is a man who had no family and was dying. He came to us as he was estranged from his daughter and wanted to contact her before he passed away as he wanted to meet her and include her in his will.

The case was a difficult one as the man had minimal information and we also knew we had limited time as his health was deteriorating fast. We had two researchers working to establish the identity of his daughter before we could find her. Once we had located her we had to contact her and await her response. She was really grateful for the chance to meet her father and he was overjoyed that he got to see her before he died.

What is the best part about your job?Calling our client to tell them we have contacted the person they are looking for and arranging contact. It’s an amazing privilege to give someone information they have been waiting a lifetime to hear.

Describe your job in three words?Different. Interesting. Rewarding.

David Oates of FinderMonkey: giving people information they have waited a lifetime to hear

16 | Day by Day

4 Essential pointsA eulogy is not an obituary and you are not expected to tell the life story of the deceased, however you should cover the milestones in their lives, key achievements, hobbies and any other interesting facts. You must also mention family members of the deceased; they will really appreciate it. Make sure that no one close to the deceased is left out, but do not feel the need to mention everyone by name or the effect may be of an Oscars acceptance speech rather than a heartfelt tribute. 5 Tell a storyTalk to close family and friends to give you memories and stories that are important to them. Sit down with key individuals and let them recall certain events. This will not only provide you with some wonderful material but talking about the deceased is also an invaluable part of the grieving process – for you and for them.

6 Be serious but not graveJust because it is a solemn occasion doesn’t mean there is no room for humour and informality. Recalling some of the lighter moments in the life of the deceased may help to celebrate their life in words, but no one will thank you for a string of jokes and this is no time for risky humour. If in doubt, consult others about what you plan to say and be guided by them. 7 ConcludeThink carefully about how you will end your eulogy. You might want to end with a poem, a saying or a quote. There may be one piece of advice that the deceased gave that you could pass on or an expression they were fond of.

As with the rest of your eulogy, there is no right or wrong way to conclude.Let your feelings and love for the deceased shape your closing words.

How to write a eulogy*

*Eulogy: a speech given at a memorial service in memory of the deceased.

Planning MAT TERS

Delivering a eulogy is a duty that often falls on a close family member. Many will see it as a great honour, but it is also a big responsibility and some may feel daunted by the task.

16 | Day by Day

Here are some simple guidelines to help you compose the right speech: 1 Don’t be afraidBefore you start writing, remember that the best eulogies are written from the heart. Your job is not to deliver a text-book perfect speech but to bring the deceased person back into the minds of the audience, sharing stories and allowing them to remember the part they personally played in their life. Using a conversational tone will not only engage the audience more but also make you feel far more comfortable and relaxed. You are simply telling a story full of warm and loving memories which should typically last between five and eight minutes. 2 StructureEnsure your eulogy has a clear beginning, middle and end. It is important to keep a structure to your words, especially during an emotional occasion. Equally, try not to over-prepare. Even if you rely on notes, your words will be most effective if they appear spontaneous. 3 Introduce yourselfEven if the congregation is small, you cannot assume that everyone will know who you are. Begin with your name and your relationship with the deceased. A story about how and when you met may be a fitting way to begin.

Using a conversational tone will not only engage the audience more but also make you feel far more comfortable and relaxed.

Day by Day | 17

How to write a eulogy*

A tax on your estateInheritance tax (IHT) is a tax on money or possessions you leave behind when you die, and on some gifts you make in the last years before you die. Your money and possessions are called your estate and it is their value at the date of death, less related debts such as mortgages, loans and funeral expenses that are liable to IHT.

IHT free transfersIf you leave your estate to your spouse or civil partner or to a charity then there is no IHT to pay.

Nil Rate BandThe first £325,000 of any estate is free of IHT. Thereafter IHT is payable on the amount exceeding £325,000. If you are married or in a civil partnership then the surviving partner is now allowed to use both tax-free allowances (to the extent that one wasn’t used at the first death). This means that if the Nil Rate Band of the first to die is not used at all (say because their assets all went to the survivor and so no IHT was payable) then the Nil Rate Bands of both members of the couple can be used by the second of them to die.

IHT on lifetime giftsIHT may also be payable on gifts you make during your lifetime, especially if you die within seven years of making the gift, in addition to those that are passed under your estate at death. There are detailed rules about whether or not the gifts are tax-free, either in themselves or because of when they were made.

Who pays the IHT?The IHT payable on your estate is usually paid from your estate. However, if the tax is due on gifts you made during the last seven years before your death, the people who received the gifts must pay the tax due. If they cannot or will not pay, the amount due then comes out of your estate.

Jointly owned propertyIf you die owning property as joint tenants with someone then that property will automatically pass to the survivor on death. However, the value of that share will still be taxable for IHT and its value must be included in the IHT calculation for your estate.

How is the IHT funded? It is your personal representatives when you die who arrange payment of the IHT out of the assets of your estate. Usually those assets are not accessible until probate has been granted and any IHT must be paid in order to obtain probate. However most banks, building societies and other such institutions have arrangements to pay funds that they hold on your behalf directly to the Inland Revenue in order to pay the IHT that is due.

Financial planning:

Inheritance tax

What to do first?There is plenty of time to deal with the IHT after the funeral. Calculating and paying IHT is an integral part of obtaining probate and the forms that need to be sent to the Inland Revenue as part of that process detail the information that needs to be given. All the assets of the estate need to be valued on an open market value as at the date of death as do the liabilities. If you really wish to get the ball rolling, then it might be sensible to obtain valuations of the property owned by the person who has died.

Are there any changes to the rules in the pipeline?The draft Finance Bill 2014 has published an intention to freeze the amount of the Nil Rate Band at £325,000 until 2017-18. A move to a paperless application for probate and submission of IHT forms and accounts was announced in the Autumn Statement 2013, but this is not expected to come into effect until 2016.

Don’t worry!The process of assessing and paying IHT (if due) might seem daunting, but the process is quite clear. Anyone who is appointed executor (under the will of the person who has died), or administrator (when someone dies without a will and they are the next of kin) can apply for probate personally or they can appoint a firm of solicitors to act on their behalf. Some firms offer a fixed price probate service, so you know from the outset how much it will cost.

Practical MAT TERS

Katie Budd LLB TEP specialises in all aspects of probate, wills and trusts and is a member of the Society of Trust and Estate Practitioners (STEP). She works for Probaters, probate solicitors.

www.probaters.com / 0845 034 [email protected]

You can’t take it with you and thanks to inheritance tax you can’t leave it all behind either. Katie Budd clears up some of the most common questions about your final tax bill.

18 | Day by Day

Alex James answers your lettersHelping YOU

A: This is something that so many people write to me about.

It really depends on you and what you feel able or wish to do. Personally I believe in and encourage my clients towards continued bonds. Talking about the deceased, remembering things about them, sharing the memories and the sense of loss that they are no longer here can give children a strong base from which to move towards manageability and understanding of their personal loss and what Mummy’s absence means to them.

With your guidance and input they will be able to continue the bond with their mother in a healthy way. There are lots of ways that you can manage special days like Mother’s Day, birthdays and celebrations, decide what you feel will be best for you, plan the day and take time to think through how you would like it to be.

Talk to the children, explain that the day is special and that you’d like to spend some of it thinking about and remembering Mummy. Perhaps the children might like to draw pictures or make their own cards, write a letter or story, light a candle, or put a note on a balloon and let it go.

If you have a grave or memorial garden you might visit and leave cards or flowers, or if there is a special place that reminds you all of her you could visit and spend a little time remembering.

It is important that the children feel able to express themselves and ask questions and it really is okay to tell the truth when you don’t know the answer and to let them see your feelings. As the children grow older it will help them enormously if they feel able to talk openly about their Mummy and share their feelings. Although Mummy isn’t physically present she will always be their mother.

I hope that my reply has given you some ideas but please do write to me again if you feel it might be useful.

A: How difficult this must be for you. The simple answer is to write to him. Today we rely so much on technology and seem to forget the art of letter writing but it is so special and I think far more personal.

I have an aunt who always writes the most wonderful Christmas letter that comes with her card and because today it is quite rare to receive hand-written letters the card itself has become a significant part of our Christmas.

You could also include photographs or occasionally the odd parcel of goodies. This would give your dad something to look forward to and of course a hand-written letter is so tangible, he could carry it with him and re-read it at his leisure. The time you take to write will also reinforce that you care and that out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.

Our experts are here to help. Please email our bereavement, wellbeing and financial team with your questions. [email protected]

Q: My wife passed away last year, leaving our two small children. As I start a new year, I am uncertain how to approach events such as Mother’s Day?

Q: Since losing my mother, my father comes to stay over Christmas and New Year and then goes back home once the festivities are over. He lives 500 miles away from me. He is hard of hearing, so he struggles on the phone and doesn’t use a computer. How can I maintain contact, let him know I am always thinking of him and stop him feeling lonely?

All the advice and information in Day to Day is freely offered to help people plan for funerals and cope with bereavement. Our contributors are people with personal and professional experience of funerals and bereavement matters whose views are given in good faith to inform, comfort and guide those facing bereavement. While the editor and publisher take all reasonable steps to ensure the accuracy and veracity of content, the views of the authors and the organisations they represent are their own.

Bereavement counsellor Alex James

Bereavement UK founder Alex James MBACP, is an experienced professional bereavement counsellor who has been working with bereaved individuals and families for many years. Alex is the author of Living with Bereavement.

“ It is important that the children feel able to express themselves.”

Day by Day | 19

20 | Day by Day

The Down to Earth charity based in East London supports local people on low incomes who are dying or recently bereaved to plan

meaningful funerals that they can afford.

The volunteers and staff mentor people through the maze of getting quotes for comparison, the paperwork and difficult choices that pile on the bereaved at an already vulnerable time. They assist with social fund applications and have a wealth of knowledge and experience about making a funeral really special. Alexandra Wilson joined the volunteer mentor team during her training to be an interfaith minister. The work there is so rich and profound that she quickly fell deeply in love with the project and its ethos.

The primary focus of the organisation is working to keep funeral costs as low as possible for people living in poverty but the interesting thing is that in working to keep the costs down it doesn’t mean that the quality of the funeral is compromised. And, thanks to our team of volunteer mentors, they don’t do it alone.

The website for Down to Earth is:www.quakersocialaction.com/downtoearth. The 2012 Guardian Charity of the Year award was given to Quaker Social Action in recognition of the Down to Earth project.

For ideas on arranging a low-cost funeral go to:www.aboutthefuneral.com

For help with paying for a funeral get in touch with Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) Bereavement Service.

A Down to Earth approach to funerals for people in poverty

Reverend Alexandra Wilson explores how the Down to Earth project in East London helps make planning a low-cost funeral a rich experience for those on low income.

Dates for the Diary

CHARITY VOICE

FEBRUARY

Dignity Action Day1 February 2014http://bit.ly/1dVAyU3

World Cancer Day 4 February 2014www.worldcancerday.org

Rare Disease Day 28 February 2014www.rarediseaseday.org

One of the cases that will stay with her forever was her first case of sitting with someone who was dying in a care home. He had nothing and no one to his name. He had lost his voice box and could only communicate by mouthing and gesturing. Alexandra played him his favourite music which was Nina Simone’s Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood and read from Jack Kerouac’s On the Road and it seemed a deep peace came over him having had his life witnessed. He died a couple of days later and she offered up his funeral to an empty chapel (just her, Nina and Jack) with a real sense of purpose and a solemn joy.

MARCH

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Monthwww.ovarian.org.uk

Prostate Cancer Awareness Monthwww.prostatecanceruk.org

World Kidney Day 13 March 2014www.worldkidneyday.co.uk

20 | Day by Day

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Day by Dayneeds your help!Please Read


We are looking to build up a volunteer network of sharers, who can distribute a few copies of themagazine to local venues such as funeral directors, libraries, doctors, hospitals, hospices, carehomes, solicitors and of course friends. If you would like to join our sharers’ network please [email protected] or telephone 02920 290562.

To subscribe to Day by Day please email [email protected] and put SUBSCRIBE in thesubject. If you would rather write to us, please use the subscription form below.

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