dealing with conflict in the field
TRANSCRIPT
Dealing with
Conflict in the Field
Presented by:
Terry L. Ledford, Ph.D.
God’s People have experienced it throughout history.
• Conflict began with man’s disobedience and fall in Genesis 3.
• Great men of God have experienced conflict. (Galatians 2:11)
• Jesus experienced conflict and even initiated it. (Matt. 21:12-13)
• Satan seeks to take advantage of Christians in conflict.
• God sometimes permits conflict within His will.
• This you know, my beloved brethren But
everyone must be quick to hear, slow to
speak and slow to anger; for the anger of
man does not achieve the righteousness of
God. James 1:19-20
Conflict does not always have to be bad or sinful.
• In this life, all of us will experience conflict.
• We have to overcome the belief that all conflict is sin and
therefore to be avoided.
• Conflict itself is not sinful.
Jack
stays at work
plays golf a lot
doesn’t talk
withdraws
Susan
complains
fusses
never pleased
Susan
angry
frustrated
hurt
unloved
unimportant
Jack
angry
can’t please her
inadequate
withdrawn
hurt
Circular Process Diagram
Example with a couple
Advantages of Circular Process
in Examining Conflict
• More accurate: all relationships are circular.
• Doesn’t suggest blame: A circle has no
beginning so it doesn’t matter where the
problem started.
• It helps us look at ourselves rather than
focusing only on the other one.
Jack
stays at work
plays golf a lot
doesn’t talk
withdraws
Susan
complains
fusses
never pleased
Susan
angry
frustrated
hurt
unloved
unimportant
Jack
angry
can’t please her
inadequate
withdrawn
hurt
Hard and Soft Emotions
• Hard emotions DON’T make us Vulnerable.
Examples: anger, frustration, withdrawal
• Soft emotions DO make us vulnerable
Examples: hurt, unloved, unimportant,
anxious, inadequate
• We tend to avoid vulnerable emotions .
• Sometimes we shouldn’t be vulnerable.
Common Types of Vulnerability
• Each person has an area of enduring
vulnerability. John Gottman (1999)
• Vulnerable area A = feeling not good
enough, criticized or inadequate.
• Vulnerable area B = feeling unimportant,
not valued or unloved as a person.
What if the other person did show
the vulnerable emotions?
• Imagine if, instead of acting angry, they
shared their hurt or unimportant feelings.
• Imagine if, instead of withdrawing, they said
that you made them feel inadequate, anxious
or hurt.
Common Reactions to Conflict
• Which are you and which is the other
person?1. Internalizer = holds feelings in and tends to avoid conflict.
Conflict creates anxiety. Vulnerable to feeling
inadequate/judged.
2. Externalizer = wants to talk about it and tends to accept
conflict. Not dealing with issues creates anxiety.
Vulnerable to feeling rejected/unimportant.
Jack
stays at work
plays golf a lot
doesn’t talk
withdraws
Susan
complains
fusses
never pleased
Susan
angry
frustrated
hurt
unloved
unimportant
Jack
angry
can’t please her
inadequate
withdrawn
hurt
What causes conflict?
• Territory is threatened or disputed.
• Expectations are not fulfilled.
• Leadership and administration issues.
• Attitudes and personalities clash.
Territory is threatened or disputed
Ways of reacting to territorial threats:• Withdraw: “I’ll take mine and go away.”
• Trade: “I’ll trade some of mine for yours.”
• Share: “I’ll give some away to protect the rest of mine.”
• Take: “I’ll take yours by whatever means necessary.”
• Redefine: “Let’s set new boundaries acceptable to all.”
Expectations are not fulfilled at times in
life.
• Expectations are not realistic or are not
clarified beforehand.
• One party does not act according to the
expectations of the other party.
• People and circumstances change.
Leadership and Administration
Issues
• Unclear relationships within the organizational
structure.
• Poorly defined job responsibilities.
• Breakdown of communication.
• Poor planning.
• Leadership that is too autocratic or too weak.
• Leadership that is overly political.
Attitudes and Personalities Change
• Prejudices and biases (conscious and subconscious)
• Differences in temperaments, personalities, styles.
A. idealist vs. pragmatist
B. impulsive/emotional vs. deliberate/non-emotional
C. happy-go-lucky vs. perfectionist
D. organized vs. disorganized
E. neat vs. sloppy
Why should we deal with/be concerned
with conflict?
• Positive results of conflict:1. It is evidence of life and vitality.
2. It can lead to renewed motivation.
3. It permits the venting of frustrations.
4. It can lead to personal growth and maturity
Why should we deal with/be concerned
with conflict?
• Dangers of avoiding conflict:1. Needed changes are not made.
2. Resentment builds up.
3. Displacement of emotions takes place.
4. Discontentment, gossip, and backbiting grow.
Why should we deal with/be concerned
with conflict?
• Paradoxes regarding conflict:1. The more people care for one another, the more likely it is
they will experience conflict.
2. Failure to recognize honestly one’s own motives in
conflict leads to greater levels of conflict.
3. The larger the numbers of conflicts, the greater the
stability of the organization - better to have several
smaller than one major.
Five Styles of Conflict ManagementThe Role of Personality
Avoiding (The Passive Turtle)
1. Motto: “I will stay out of it.”
2. Intent: Stay out of/avoid conflict with either side; remain neutral;
Others must be responsible.
3. Action: Unassertive and passive; “The Buck passes here.”
4. Negative Results: “You lose.” Negative, nonproductive; issues not
dealt with grow and fester; leads to feeling powerless, frustration
and hostility.
5. When to use:
a. insignificant, temporary problems; not impact long term
b. problem really not your responsibility
c. when participants are fragile/insecure; immature
d. when differences are irreconcilable.
Accommodating
(The Lovable Teddy Bear)
1. Motto: “I will give in.”
2. Intent: To preserve at any cost the relationship between sides; issues, goals, and progress less important.
3. Action: Embrace everyone; go with least damaging side; assertive in finding solutions for others, not with own ideas; willing to sacrifice self/desires to keep peace.
4. Negative Results: “You win, I lose.” Continued use harmful to all; eventually will feel like a doormat; takes all responsibility; those allowed to get their way always begin to expect it.
5. When to use:
a. insignificant, temporary problems; not impact long term
b. when unsure of own ideas or position is weak
c. when long term relationship more important than short-term issues of conflict.
d. when several equally good solutions are being considered.
Collaborating (The Wise Owl)
1. Motto: “Let’s work together for everyone’s good.”
2. Intent: Achieve “win” solution for all concerned, both issues oriented and
relationship oriented; believes people can solve their conflict; values/defends all
sides, opinions and goals.
3. Action: Assertive but flexible; Win-Win; firm yet sensitive
4. Results: “You win-I win.” Full participation/communication; shared decision
making; builds trust and team work; higher commitment by those involved.
5. When to use:
a. preferred in majority of conflicts, especially those with long term goals and
relationships
b. when there is time - takes longer, so if needed immediately, may not be possible
c. when participants are mature and patient.
d. may not be possible.
Compromising (The Wiley Fox)1. Motto: “I will meet you halfway.”
2. Intent: Give each side some winnings and some losses; give and take;
negotiation; bartering; all get something
3. Action: Assertive but flexible; fair share of goals and concessions; persuasion or
manipulation
4. Results: “we all win some and lose some.” Negative side-watered down
solutions, half-hearted commitment, recurrence of same conflicts. Positive side
- salvages stalemates, each gets something
5. When to use:
a. when collaboration fails
b. opposing parties stubbornly committed to differences
c. goals/solutions all valid and worthwhile and differences not worth fighting for.
d. urgency for rapid solution does not allow for consensus
e. only when something can be divided or exchanged; not likely to work on deeply
held theological convictions, values, traditions
Competing
(The Aggressive Shark)1. Motto: “I will get my way.”
2. Intent: To WIN. Winning is better than losing; ideas, goals, etc. superior to other
views; Sacrifice the relationship if needed
3. Action: Be assertive, even domineering if necessary; may use diplomacy or raw
power or manipulation; believes in “You give, I take!” May intimidate or merely
wear down opponent. “My way is best!”
4. Negative Results: “I win-you lose.” Polarizes; will submit or confront; leaves
everlasting wounds; losers not enthusiastic, become frustrated.
5. When to use:
a. decision must be made and acted on quickly
b. when unpopular, but necessary decision must be made by leadership
c. when issue so important to a person that his future depends on winning the cause
d. when leader absolutely convinced solution is best for all concern (most often input
from others improves goals and solutions.
Important Principles
Regarding Styles
A. There are two basic
concerns in conflict.
• Concern for relationships: When people are more important than issues adopt
accommodating style.
• Concern for issues and goals:When task is more important than relationships adopt
competing style.
Note: Those concerned with relationships and issues and
goals may adopt collaborating and compromising styles.
B. Our styles can be
changed and modified.
• Styles are learned.
• To change we must:
a. be aware of style we are using
b. be willing to change attitude toward conflict
c. commit to involvement to find best possible solution to
each conflict.
C. All styles have their
appropriate use.
• Learn to be flexible and intentional in our
approach to conflict - learn to use all five styles.
• Learn to use collaboration as our preferred style -
use avoiding, competing, and accommodating
sparingly.
• Your back-up style is important. Know what it is!
When tensions increase, and our preferred style is
not working, we will go to a style that is more or
less aggressive.
Developing Conflict
Management Skills
It is not the presence of conflict that causes
chaos and disaster, but the harmful and
ineffective way it is managed. It is the lack
of skills in managing conflict that leads to
problems. When conflicts are skillfully
managed, they are of value.”
(Johnson 1978, 247)
Learn the stages in the
conflict cycle
1. Tension Development Stage
Signals someone feels threatened, hurt or
sense of loss; May not be sure of what is
going on; where should be handled; Need
only basic communication skills - clear up
misunderstandings; if not resolved moves to
next stage.
Learn the stages in the
conflict cycle
2. Role Confusion Stage
Participants are confused about the issues;
where communication breaks down; need to
clarify goals, needs, roles in causing
conflict, etc.
Learn the stages in the
conflict cycle
3. Injustice Collecting Stage
First dangerous stage; feel matters can get
worse; pull apart and prepare for battle;
name calling stage; attack each other; need
mediator to step in - needs to be able to
assert with confidence and courage (help
feel on equal basis), and spiritual authority
and maturity (solution must include original
issue but also resentments, suspicions, etc.
Learn the stages in the
conflict cycle
4. Confrontation Stage:
Sensitive and volatile stage where parties
confront each other; can end in fight;
Mediator needs the ability to monitor and
adjust tension and the ability to keep
confrontation within acceptable limits.
Learn the stages in the
conflict cycle
5. Adjustments Stage:
Can’t continue conflict forever so adjust.
Forms of adjustments:1. Sever relationships
2. Seek to dominate other party, losers passive and discouraged
3. Attempt return to way things were
4. Negotiate a new set of mutual agreements and commitments. Mediator
needs creative thinking and ability to gain full participation of all
parties.
Manage Conflict in its
First Stages
• Conflict is inevitable, desirable, and constructive if handled
appropriately.
• We DO NOT want to do away with conflict completely, but turn it
into a positive process.
• Most important lesson in managing conflict is: Catch it in the
First Stages!
• Conflict that is managed well is conflict that is managed early and
continuously. Identifying and dealing with issues as they come
up in normal day to day life.
• To do this we must have regular and open communication.
• We must also maintain awareness of possible conflict areas.
Three Elements to Develop an Effective
Conflict Management Strategy
1. Gather the necessary information about the
conflict.
2. Establish a positive environment for
conflict management
3. Follow a collaborative problem-solving
process (win-win)
1. Gather necessary information
about the conflict.
• Get the facts - what are the misunderstandings
a. kinds of information needed - origins, substance, emotion,
stage and the context of the conflict.
b. sources of valid information
c. methods of gathering information - interviews, small group
discussion, questionnaires
d. sharing of the information - meet to report
2. Establish a positive environment for
conflict management.
a. de-escalate negative emotions and tension
b. promote openness, fairness, confidence
c. choose appropriate place and time to meet1. Neutral ground
2. Comfortable, pleasant room
3. Semi-circle toward moderator
4. No power positions of sides
5. Not late when tired
6. Breaks and informal exchange
d. start each session with Bible Study and prayer
e. project a spirit of optimism and hopefulness
1. Reassure conflict is OK
2. Decrease fears that they may have
3. Be calm and relaxed
4. Give clear description of what is happening
5. Present an understandable, sensible plan for
managing the conflict.
f. Encourage mutual trust and acceptance
1. Each person has equal worth and say
2. Encourage good listening skills
3. Solutions will come from joint efforts
4. Recognize diversity of gifts and personalities
5. Keep communicating
g. Agree on the rules and norms to be followed
1. Agree can disagree with respect
2. Each person has a say
3. One speak at a time
4. Statements specific, relevant, to the point
5. Loss of temper, name calling, put downs, and attacks are not allowed
6. Stay in the present - no past wrongs or mistakes unrelated to the present
h. Seek to end each discussion or session on a
high note.
Follow a collaborative problem-
solving process (win-win)
a. Focus on the original issues
1. Allow expression of feelings first-each expresses only their
feelings, no attacks of others, once expressed and dealt
with the feelings should not be the focus of the group,
feelings expressed treated as confidential, and mediator
may express own feelings.
2. Then separate feelings from substantive issues
3. If emotions out of control, stop discussion and allow
cooling off. Come back and process breakdown then move
ahead.
Follow a collaborative problem-
solving process (win-win)
b. Identify areas of agreement and disagreement
c. Consider possible alternatives - “brainstorm”1. Options for mutual gain
2. Objective criteria
3. No criticism or rejection of options
4. Let go of preconceived notions
5. Write down all ideas
6. No decisions reach this phase
7. Creativity and constructive humor encouraged- “out of the box”
Follow a collaborative problem-
solving process (win-win)
d. Choose the best possible alternative
1. Two columns - Pros and Cons listed
2. All parties contribute
3. Use objective criteriaa. Biblical teaching
b. good stewardship
c. long-term impact on larger group
d. risk vs. rewards
e. precedent from past or does it set for future
f. resources needed
g. time it will take to complete
Follow a collaborative problem-
solving process (win-win)
d. Motivate commitment to the agreement reached
1. If feel part of the solution they will feel personal
ownership
2. Put in writing
3. Commitment is two-fold: relationship and task
4. Help losers save face
5. Celebrate success - praise, prayer, dinner
Follow a collaborative problem-
solving process (win-win)
e. Monitor and evaluate progress
1. Lack of follow-up often leads to failure
2. May be back in same conflict if you don’t
Cross Cultural Factors
A. Styles of leadership differ
B. Negotiation1. Difference in styles of negotiation
2. Different roles for negotiator
3. Use of protocol varies
C. Time orientation1. Social interaction/relationships priority
2. Taking care of tasks takes more time
D. Direct versus Indirect approaches
Thank you
Questions?
• Terry L. Ledford, Ph.D.
• www.TerryLedford.com
• 1-828-287-7806