dealing with difficult people -...
TRANSCRIPT
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Dealing With Difficult People
Board Secretary Workshop
October, 2017
Janet Tilley
Director, Board Development
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Agenda
• Conflict and Difficult People
– Types and Causes
• Analysis of Difficult People
– Types
– Strategies
• Effective Practices
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Think and Reflect • Think:
– Identify current/past difficult person
• Reflect and Write:
–Who, what, where, when, why
–How does/did person make you feel
–How do/did you react to this person
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Who Are Our Difficult People?
• Boss
• Co-workers
• Board members
• Staff
• Parents
• Community Members
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Conflict Defined
A pattern of feelings and actions when two or more interdependent parties struggle
over perceived incompatible beliefs, goals, or resources or over differences in desires
for esteem, control and connectedness.
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Key Words • Struggle: result of opposing forces coming
together; effort to get free of restraint or resist attack
• Interdependence: mutually reliant upon each other
• Feelings: anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness
• Differences: beliefs; values; goals; resources; rewards; desire for esteem, control or connectedness
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Eight Causes of Conflict • Needs—resources, recognition, control
• Styles—in ways to approach to work, interact with others, solve problems
• Goals—different viewpoints on defining and/or achieving a goal
• Perception—viewing same incident or issue in dramatically different ways
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Eight Causes of Conflict • Pressures—related to time and resources;
personal issues
• Roles– understanding of responsibility; territory
• Personal Values --how to operate in completing task or reaching goal
• Policies or Procedures—unclear or ignored
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The Do Not’s • Take the difficult person’s behavior personally.
– A difficult person’s behavior is habitual
– Behaves this way with most people—not just you
• Make excuses for the difficult person’s behavior
– All of us face adversity; not all become difficult
– Lose control when make excuses
• Try to change their behaviors
– They are very practiced at their skills
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The Do’s
• Try to understand why the behavior exists
– Analyzing the behavior helps you to better respond
• Control your attitude, response and behavior
– Forces difficult person to learn new ways to interact with you
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Types of Difficult People
• Cranky
• Complainer
• Sniper
• Volcano
• Clam
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Cranky People • Why?
– Helps them get their way
– Reflection of inner unhappiness with own life, family, job
• How?
– Determine real message person is sending
– May agree with any part of cranky person’s statement that may be true
– Use neutral tone of voice
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Complainers • Why?
– Fearful people with little faith in themselves or others
– Blaming others relieves them of responsibility
– Constant complaining brings others to share their unhappiness
• How?
– Cannot change their negativity
– Respond with positive expectations
• “I am sure that we will get done in time.”
The Sniper • Why?
– Experts in passive-aggressive behaviors
– Take pot shots through sarcasm and “humorous” put-downs
• How?
– Respond with a question
• “ “That sounds like you’re making fun of me? Are you?”
– Sniper usually respond with denial
• “You are so serious. I’m only joking.”
– Speaking up lessens chance of future attacks
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The Volcano
• Why?
– Abrupt, intimidating, arrogant
– Expect others to obey, leave or push back
• How?
– Wait for them to run out of steam
– Call person by name and present your view
• “Janet, you interrupted me. We can discuss my idea after you have listened to all of it.”
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The Clam • Why?
– Retreat in order to avoid conflict and responsibility
– Passive-aggressive; don’t respond, then fault and/or responsibility is not theirs
• How? – Ask questions that cannot be answered with a
“yes” or “no” • “Would you please help me understand the
problem you are facing?” – Practice Wait-Time; don’t fill the silence
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Policies and Procedures
• Third person in the conversation
– “The board policy says…”
• Key questions
– Do we have a policy and/or procedure about this issue?
– What does the policy and/or procedure say?
– Have we followed the policy and/or procedure?
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S.T.O.P
• Stop whatever you are doing
• Take 3 deep breaths
• Observe how you are responding (body and mind)
• Proceed with professionalism and kindness
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Active Listening
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Active Listening • Focus
– Focus all senses on the person – No distraction or thoughts about other topics
• Acknowledge and Respond: not evaluation or agreement – Acknowledge emotions and strength of these
feelings – Note person’s experience or skills – Comprehend what the speaker means and his/her
intent – Accurately paraphrase shared ideas—use speakers
own words – Express appreciation for person’s ideas
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Paraphrase
• Difficult person wants someone to listen
• Paraphrasing affirms that you understand the issue
– State the emotion and topic
– Do not say you will fix it
– “You are concerned about getting all of the board packet items ahead of the meeting so that you have time to thoroughly review them.”
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Positive Presupposition
• Statement of what person should have already done, but probably hasn’t
– “You are concerned about getting all of the board packet items ahead of the meeting so that you have time to thoroughly review them.”
– “When you shared this concern with Dr. Jones and Mrs. Smith, they probably shared the procedures for gathering the needed data from the staff.”
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Think and Reflect Any New Thinking?
• Think:
– Identify current/past difficult person
• Reflect and Write:
–Who, what, where, when, why
–How does/did person make you feel
–How do/did you react to this person
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Dealing With Difficult People • Nothing • Use your feet • Attempt to change the difficult person • Change your response
– Don’t take it personally – Policy and procedure – Analyze for the “why” – Respond professionally with kindness
• S.T.O.P • Active listening • Paraphrase • Positive Presupposition