Dealing with Dealing with EmotionsEmotions““The fully human being experiences the The fully human being experiences the fullness of his [her] emotional life; [s]he is in fullness of his [her] emotional life; [s]he is in touch with, attuned to his [her] emotions, aware touch with, attuned to his [her] emotions, aware of what they are saying to him [her] about his of what they are saying to him [her] about his [her] needs and his [her] relationship with [her] needs and his [her] relationship with others.” --Carl Rogersothers.” --Carl Rogers

Emotions and FeelingsEmotions and Feelings

Feelings—”act as a barometer, letting Feelings—”act as a barometer, letting you know what your internal weather is you know what your internal weather is like.” (Richard Carlson, like.” (Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. . . And It’s All Small StuffSmall Stuff. . . And It’s All Small Stuff))

Emotions—feelings that are experienced Emotions—feelings that are experienced (thoughts, physiological, biological)(thoughts, physiological, biological)

Characteristics of Characteristics of EmotionsEmotions

Physiological Changes (fear=increased Physiological Changes (fear=increased heart rate, breathing, etc., sadness=tired, heart rate, breathing, etc., sadness=tired, lethargic)lethargic)

Behavioral Expressions—crying, Behavioral Expressions—crying, laughing, blushing, shaking, etc.laughing, blushing, shaking, etc.

Cognitive Interpretation—what we think Cognitive Interpretation—what we think about the situation or emotion give it its about the situation or emotion give it its value to us.value to us.

Characteristics of Characteristics of EmotionsEmotions

Motivational Tendencies—emotions Motivational Tendencies—emotions direct us toward pleasant experiences direct us toward pleasant experiences and away from anxiety or unpleasant and away from anxiety or unpleasant experiencesexperiences Pleasure—motivates to move toward Pleasure—motivates to move toward

somethingsomething Anxiety—motivates to run or escapeAnxiety—motivates to run or escape Anger—motivates to fightAnger—motivates to fight Sadness—motivates to shutdown or Sadness—motivates to shutdown or

withdrawwithdraw

MoodsMoods

A general feeling A general feeling tonetone

Types of EmotionsTypes of Emotions

Primary emotionsPrimary emotions Joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, Joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness,

disgust, anger, and anticipationdisgust, anger, and anticipation Mixed emotionsMixed emotions

Love (joy+acceptance), Aggressiveness Love (joy+acceptance), Aggressiveness (anger+anticipation), etc.(anger+anticipation), etc.

Emery & Campbell suggest only four Emery & Campbell suggest only four primary emotions: mad, sad, glad and primary emotions: mad, sad, glad and scaredscared

Problem EmotionsProblem Emotions

Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, grief and love Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, grief and love can cause difficultiescan cause difficulties

These emotions are often experienced These emotions are often experienced with mixed reactionswith mixed reactions

FearFear

When we think we know what we are When we think we know what we are afraid of, this is fearafraid of, this is fear

Has a specific objectHas a specific object False Expectations Appearing RealFalse Expectations Appearing Real Conditioned association between the Conditioned association between the

object and our emotion (remember little object and our emotion (remember little Albert?)Albert?)

AnxietyAnxiety

An unpleasant, threatening feeling that An unpleasant, threatening feeling that something bad is about to happensomething bad is about to happen

““objectless” fearobjectless” fear Preparation anxiety, ‘neurotic’ anxiety Preparation anxiety, ‘neurotic’ anxiety

and worry are examples of types of and worry are examples of types of anxietyanxiety

Facing your fears and Facing your fears and anxietiesanxieties

Admit your fearsAdmit your fears Take risksTake risks Acknowledge the positiveAcknowledge the positive Avoid catastrophic thinkingAvoid catastrophic thinking Stay in the presentStay in the present Have patienceHave patience

AngerAnger

A feeling of extreme displeasure, usually A feeling of extreme displeasure, usually brought about by interference with our brought about by interference with our needs or desiresneeds or desires

Hate, annoyance, rage, hostility, Hate, annoyance, rage, hostility, resentment are forms of angerresentment are forms of anger

Anger and LossAnger and Loss

Anger is closely related to loss or threat Anger is closely related to loss or threat of lossof loss

Some examples are: Some examples are: Loss of self-esteemLoss of self-esteem Loss of faceLoss of face Threat of physical harm or violenceThreat of physical harm or violence Loss of valued possessions, skills, or Loss of valued possessions, skills, or

abilitiesabilities Loss of a valued roleLoss of a valued role Lose of a valued relationshipLose of a valued relationship

AngerAnger

Anger is neither right nor wrongAnger is neither right nor wrong Anger can be released or expressed in a Anger can be released or expressed in a

right or wrong wayright or wrong way You are vulnerable when angryYou are vulnerable when angry Anger is a secondary emotionAnger is a secondary emotion Anger vs. aggression—Aggression is any Anger vs. aggression—Aggression is any

behavior that is intended to hurt somone, behavior that is intended to hurt somone, either verbally or physically (Weiten, 2001)either verbally or physically (Weiten, 2001)

Expressing AngerExpressing Anger

Anger requires a balance between Anger requires a balance between spontaneous expression and rational spontaneous expression and rational controlcontrol

When you are angry with someone—When you are angry with someone—YOU are the one with the problemYOU are the one with the problem

Anger Do’s and Don’tsAnger Do’s and Don’ts Do speak up when an Do speak up when an

issue is important to issue is important to youyou

Take time out to think Take time out to think about the problemabout the problem

Speak in “I” languageSpeak in “I” language Try to appreciate Try to appreciate

differencesdifferences Recognize that each Recognize that each

person is responsible person is responsible for his or her own for his or her own behaviorbehavior

Don’t strike while the iron Don’t strike while the iron is hotis hot

Don’t use “below the belt” Don’t use “below the belt” tacticstactics

Don’t make vague Don’t make vague requestsrequests

Don’t tell the other Don’t tell the other person what he or she person what he or she thinks, feels or should thinks, feels or should think or feelthink or feel

Don’t participate in Don’t participate in intellectual arguments intellectual arguments that go nowherethat go nowhere

GuiltGuilt

The realization of sorrow over having The realization of sorrow over having done something morally, socially, or done something morally, socially, or ethically wrongethically wrong

Guilt relates to behaviors and our own Guilt relates to behaviors and our own conscienceconscience

Shame relates to the personShame relates to the person Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame

says, “I am the mistake.” (John says, “I am the mistake.” (John Bradshaw)Bradshaw)

Grief and BereavementGrief and Bereavement

Any significant loss can bring about griefAny significant loss can bring about grief Kubler-Ross: five stages of griefKubler-Ross: five stages of grief

DenialDenial AngerAnger BargainingBargaining DepressionDepression AcceptanceAcceptance

GriefGrief

When we come to accept our losses, When we come to accept our losses, grief can become a point of positive grief can become a point of positive growthgrowth

Life contains many types and Life contains many types and experiences of loss—learning to grieve experiences of loss—learning to grieve well is an important part of human well is an important part of human developmentdevelopment

LoveLove

We learn our attitudes about what it We learn our attitudes about what it means to be loved and to show love from means to be loved and to show love from childhood experienceschildhood experiences

Children operate under certain Children operate under certain assumptions which allow them to get assumptions which allow them to get through life. One such assumption is that through life. One such assumption is that parents love their children, therefore, parents love their children, therefore, whatever behavior parents exhibit is seen whatever behavior parents exhibit is seen as “loving behavior.”as “loving behavior.”

LoveLove

Love can also become a problem when it Love can also become a problem when it gets in the way of allowing people to gets in the way of allowing people to experience the consequences of their experience the consequences of their own behaviorsown behaviors

Love deserves healthy expressionLove deserves healthy expression

Expanding Your Ability to Expanding Your Ability to LoveLove

Express yourselfExpress yourself Love yourselfLove yourself Be tolerantBe tolerant Hang in thereHang in there Learn to be aloneLearn to be alone Grow upGrow up PracticePractice

Emotional IntelligenceEmotional Intelligence

The ability to monitor, access, express, The ability to monitor, access, express, and regulate one’s one emotions; and the and regulate one’s one emotions; and the ability to use this information to guide ability to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.one’s thinking and actions.

Denying EmotionsDenying Emotions

Repression—excluding threatening or Repression—excluding threatening or painful thoughts and feelings from painful thoughts and feelings from awarenessawareness

Suppression—deliberate control of one’s Suppression—deliberate control of one’s emotions rather than expressing thememotions rather than expressing them

Emotional DebtEmotional Debt

The condition of imbalance in which The condition of imbalance in which feelings are trapped instead of expressedfeelings are trapped instead of expressed

Guidelines for Dealing Guidelines for Dealing with Your Emotionswith Your Emotions

Listen to Your BodyListen to Your Body Identify Your FeelingsIdentify Your Feelings Personalize Your FeelingsPersonalize Your Feelings Own Your FeelingsOwn Your Feelings Decide what to Do with Your FeelingsDecide what to Do with Your Feelings

Benefits of Expressing Benefits of Expressing Your EmotionsYour Emotions

Positive feelings about yourselfPositive feelings about yourself Stronger relationshipsStronger relationships Relief of PressureRelief of Pressure

ForgivenessForgiveness