Dear potential lover, I want your genitals near my genitals.

You took my kissing virginity behind a Jimmy John’s eight years ago. I think about you every few years. Turkey Toms. How is the stand-up career going? Do you still think about me? How is your step-brother who I secretly thought was cuter?

Dear G-spot, I’m so glad I have finally found you.Dear clitoris, You are still my number one. Couldn’t imagine life without you. <3 Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dear person I would like to have an ambiguous relationship with, that we will never attempt to define, and it will probably end badly for the both of us, Would you like to have casual sexual intercourse with me for an extended period of time?

Dear friend that I secretly hope to be more someday, I wish that at some point in the next five years one of us will make a move on the other and the other will thoroughly enjoy it.

Dear couple that says they are in love, I’m so happy for you and your happiness. The more you talk on social media outlets about how much you are deeply in love the more likely your relationship will fail.

Dear everyone, Is Tutto Pasta really that romantic?

Dear most special gal pal, Thank you for acting as my de facto significant other while I remain single. You’ll be my emergency contact until the day I die.

Dear Lena Dunham, Thanks a million for bearing all on national television. You’ve given this fellow pear-shaped girl an inflated sense of confidence that skinny girls with C cups must have all the time.

Dear all the people that have been in my sex dreams, Was it good for you?

Dear Mom, Thanks for the care package of assorted chocolates and heart-shaped doilies. I’m glad you still think I’m special.

Dear ex-boyfriend from eighth grade,

Dear person I would like to break it off with, Roses are red, violets are blue, the sex isn’t good anymore so let’s just be friends.

Dear new love interest, I hope one day to be able to poop in your bathroom and fart in your presence. One day.