Death and Grief in the Classroom: Dangerous Discussions

Kay Fowler

Feb. 28, 2007

Frail bit of good luck

"We fail to value life as a frail bit of good luck in a world based on chance."

(Arthur Frank, At the Will of the Body 128)

Bereavement

“The state of being bereaved or deprived of something … the objective situation of individuals who have experienced a loss of some person or thing that they valued.” (Corless 2001; qtd. Corr 209).

Grief

“The reaction to loss.” Can be experienced in numerous ways

Mourning

“The processes of coping with loss and grief, and thus the attempt to manage those experiences or learn to live with them by incorporating them into ongoing living.” (Siggins)

Grief Manifestations

Physical sensations Feelings (a wide range from sadness to anger to yearning to numbness, etc.); Thoughts or Cognitions (e.g. disbelief, preoccupation…);

Behaviors (again a wide range);

Social Difficulties; Spiritual searching.

In the classroom

Grief/trauma makes students/teacher feel “out of control” “out of the norm”

Class can be a relatively safe space to try to find some sense of renewed control or “normalcy”

Teacher not an “expert” here -- but a participant in the grief -- but is still an experienced facilitator

How to Start

Students want opportunity to process but also don’t want to be overwhelmed -- want some return to familiar’

Start with statement of openness to discuss situation

Set a time limit for the discussion - 30 min. or 45 min.

Be concrete and complete

Give as clear, full, and concrete a description of the information as you knowMake clear what you don’t know or what isn’t known at this timeDescribe what you can about efforts underway to get more informationIndicate that one discussion is not going to be a quick fix; grief/trauma does not have a timeline or a solution; one learns to live around -- not “get over” it.

Ground rules

Be open and respectful

Share your own reactions to the degree that you feel comfortable

Let students know it’s okay to pass

Listen carefully and reflect back what has been said

Facilitating

Validate feelings -- ask how feelings can be channeled positively

Resist using cliches, quick reassurances, or religious or patriotic wisdom (whatever your own beliefs)

When students offer these affirm their perspective but gently reflect that others will perceive things differently or hold different beliefs and values

Start with writing

Have students write for 5 minutes or so about their reactions/questions

Start class discussion with question -- how did you learn about ?

Invite students to share their reactions/questions

Observe carefully

Watch class for exhaustion with topic or for heightened anxiety

Watch individuals for acute grief or risk signals of suicidal or violent responses

Draw these students aside at break or end of class

Hate language

If hate langauge or revenge talk emerges toward a particular group help students to take apart where the anger is coming from, where it “belongs” and where it is being inappropriately generalized, and how to use anger positively rather than destructively

Closing Discussion

When time is “up” or when subject seems to be becoming overwhelming bring discussion to closure byOffering resources for help where you know them, Counseling Center, agencies, websites, etc.Suggest research, readings, and/or action steps to be taken. Draw suggestions from students.

Closing discussion

Suggest ways to tie subject into class subject where possiblePromise (if appropriate) further discussion in a later class -- not necessarily the next class and tied to steps to learn more/research more before that discussionAsk students to write thoughts again for five minutes

Break

If long class take a short break before turning to the class work for the day

If short class try to do some of the class work for the day even if only 5 or 10 minutes before class ends to restore sense that life and learning are continuing and are valuable

Self-care

If possible talk with someone you trust about the class in advance

Definitely talk with someone you trust after the class -- debrief, get a hug, cry your own tears

Write your own reaction/thoughts on the event -- and on the class discussion

Do something healing -- take a walk, paint a picture, work in your garden, etc.

Grieving Hurts

6 R’s of Grieving

1. Recognize the loss (acknowledge and understand the death)

2. React to the separation (e. g. feel the pain, express, identify and mourn secondary losses)

3. Recollect and re-experience the deceased and the relationship (review and remember realistically, revive and re-experience feelings) (Rando)

6 R’s continued

4. Relinquish the old attachments to the deceased and the old assumptive world

5. Readjust to move adaptively into the new world without forgetting the old (develop a new relationship with the deceased, adopt new ways of being in the world)

6. Reinvest.

(Rando)

Factors affecting grief

A. Psychological Factors: 1. characteristics and meaning of the lost relationship (e.g. lost roles and functions, unfinished business, etc.)

2. your personal characteristics (e.g. coping behaviors, accumulation of or simultaneous other stresses, etc.)

3. specific circumstances of the death (location, type, “timeliness,” sense of preventability; etc.)

4. Corr adds: developmental situation of the bereaved person (child, adolescent, adult or elderly person)

(Rando; Corr)

Social Factors

B. Social Factors1. Social support system2. sociocultural, ethnic, religious/philosophical backgrounds/values3. educational, economic, and occupational status4. funerary rituals5. social recognition of the loss, the relationship, the grief

(Rando 1988)

Physical Factors

C. Physical Factors

1. Drugs and sedatives2. Nutrition

3. Rest and sleep

4. Physical health

5. Exercise

(Rando)

Complicated Grief

“There is a pain -- so utter --”

Bone by Bone…

“There is a pain -- so utter --It swallows substances up--Then covers the Abyss with tranceSo Memory can stepAround--across-upon it--As one within a swoonGoes safely--where an open eye--Would drop him -- Bone by Bone”Emily Dickinson

Complicated Grief Reactions

Chronic: prolonged; no real sense of progress toward readjusting to life without the lost

Delayed: Grief is inhibited, suppressed, or postponed -- can surface later in an excessive reaction

Or …

Exaggerated: Excessive and disabling. May lead to phobia, physical or psychiatric symptons; or aberrant or maladaptive behaviorMasked: Individuals experience symptoms or behaviors (including complete absence of grief) that cause them difficulty but that they do not recognize as related to the loss.

Disenfranchised Grief

Grief is exacerbated when it is “disenfranchised.”

Ken Doka notes 3 primary ways grief can be disenfranchised: “either the relationship or the loss or the griever is not recognized.” (Doka 1989b)

Complicating factors

Relationship not recognized

Invisibility

Hypervisibility

Exacerbated trauma

Rejection/Denial

Community Bereavement

Both a positive (as losses are shared and mourned together) and an extra dimension to personal loss -- as the community itself is diminished by multiple losses and strained under “chronic grief”…

Chronic Mourning: Multiple, ongoing losses and traumas experienced by an individual or a community with the expectation of more to come:

Such as

hate crimes against a particular group, war zones, environmentally damaged areas, public health disasters, familial health patterns, locales where violent crime is frequent

Need for Social Support

Complicating Grief

“The very nature of disenfranchised grief creates additional problems for grief, while removing or minimizing sources of support” (Doka)

Exacerbated Grief

“Studies document that a deficit in social support has been associated with poor outcomes in bereavement as measured by the person’s health in the first year after the loss of a loved one, and that an absence of social support is directly related to continued high distress two years after the death of a significant other. … (Shernoff)

Resilience

“… continued social, political, and cultural activity appears to foster resilience and help the community fend off feelings of despair and helplessness.” (Dworkin & Kaufer)

What Can We Do?

Learn & Listen Aggressively

Validate, Accept, & Honor

Hug

Participate in the rituals and in the political activism