DEFINITIONS

Mindfulness

“The awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

“Awareness, of the present moment, with acceptance.” IMP

“Knowing what you are experiencing, while you’re experiencing it.”

Acceptance

“Active, nonjudgmental embracing of experience in the here and now.” Steven Hayes

Empathy

“An accurate understanding of the [another’s] world as seen from the inside. To sense [another person’s] world as if it were your own.”

Carl Rogers

Loving-Kindness

“The wish that all sentient beings may be happy.” Dalai Lama

Compassion

“The wish that all sentient beings may be free from suffering. “ Dalai Lama

“Deep awareness of the suffering of oneself and other living beings,

coupled with the wish and effort to alleviate it.”

Paul Gilbert

Self-Compassion

“When we suffer, caring for ourselves as we would care for someone we truly love. Self-compassion includes: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness.”

Kristin Neff

THE SCIENCE OF SELF-COMPASSION

Self-Compassion

The three components of self-compassion (Neff, 2003b) Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment:

o Treating self with care and understanding rather than harsh judgmento Actively soothing and comforting oneself

Common humanity vs. Isolationo Seeing own experience as part of larger human experience not isolating or abnormalo Recognizing that life is imperfect (us too!)

Mindfulness vs. Over-identificationo Allows us to “be” with painful feelings as they areo Avoids extremes of suppressing or running away with painful feelings

Physiological underpinnings (Gilbert, 2009) Physiological underpinnings of self-criticism

o Threat defense systemo Cortisol and adrenaline

Physiological underpinnings of self-compassiono Mammalian care-giving systemo Oxytocin and opiates

Research on self-compassionExplosion of research into self-compassion over the past decade Most research conducted with the Self-Compassion Scale (Neff, 2003a)Self-compassion linked to wellbeing (Zessin, Dickhauser & Garbadee, 2015) Reductions in negative mind-states: Anxiety, depression, stress, rumination, thought suppression,

perfectionism, shame Increases in positive mind-states: Life satisfaction, happiness, connectedness, self-confidence,

optimism, curiosity, gratitudeSelf-compassion vs. self-esteem (Neff & Vonk, 2009)

Offers same wellbeing benefits without pitfallso Fewer social comparisonso Less contingent self-wortho No association with narcissism

Linked to coping and resilience More effective coping with divorce (Sbarra et al., 2012) Less likely to develop PTSD after combat trauma (Hiraoka et al., 2015) Better coping with chronic health conditions (Sirois, 2015)Linked to motivation Intrinsic motivation, desire to learn and grow (Neff, Hseih & Dejitthirat, 2005) Personal standards just as high, not as upset when don’t meet them (Neff, 2003a) Less fear of failure, more likely to try again and persist in efforts after failure (Breines & Chen,

2012)Linked to personal accountability

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More conscientiousness (Neff, Rude & Kirkpatrick, 2007) Taking greater responsibility for past mistakes (Leary et al., 2007) Disposition to apologize (Howell et al., 2011)Linked to health Healthier behaviors (Terry & Leary, 2011)

o More exercise, safer sex, helps smokers quit, less alcohol use, more doctors visits Linked to healthier body image and eating behavior

o Less body preoccupation and body shame (Albertson et al., 2014)o Less likely to binge after blowing diet (Adams & Leary, 2007)o Fewer weight worries, less disordered eating (Webb & Forman, 2013)o More intuitive eating (Schoenefeld & Webb, 2013)

Linked to other-focused concern Linked to better romantic relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2013)

o More caring and supportive relationship behavior (as rated by partners)o Less controlling and verbally aggressive

More forgiveness and perspective taking (Neff & Pommier, 2013) More compassion, empathy, altruism for others (Neff & Pommier, 2013)Self-compassion for caregivers Less burnout and “compassion” fatigue (Raab, 2014) More satisfaction with care-giving role (Barnard &Curry, 2012) Increased wellbeing for parents of autistic children (Neff & Faso, 2014)Family Influences on Self-Compassion Attachment security (Wei, Liao, Ku & Shaffer, 2011) Parental criticism and conflict in home (Neff & McGehee, 2010) History of abuse (Vetesse et al., 2011)

How to Increase Self-CompassionMindfulness-Based approaches• Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy both increase self-

compassion (Keng et al., 2012)• Self-compassion appears to be a key mechanism of program effectiveness (Kuyken et al., 2010)

Compassion Focused Therapy (Gilbert, 2010):• Less depression, anxiety, shame, dysfunction• Effective with a variety of clinical populations

Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) Program (Neff & Germer, 2013) 8-week workshop designed to explicitly teach skills of self-compassion Uses meditation, informal practice, group discussion and homework exercises Randomized clinical trial of MSC with intervention group vs. wait-list control group MSC led to significantly greater gains in self-compassion, mindfulness, compassion, life satisfaction,

as well as greater reductions in depression, anxiety, stress, emotional avoidance All well-being gains maintained for one year Degree of formal and informal self-compassion practice both related to gains in self-compassion

o Days per week spent meditatingo Hours per day spent in informal practice

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REFERENCES

Albertson, E. R., Neff, K. D., & Dill-Shackleford, K. E. (2014). Self-compassion and body dissatisfaction in women: A randomized controlled trial of a brief meditation intervention. Mindfulness, 6(3), 444-454.

Barnard, L. K., Curry, J. F. (2012). The relationship of clergy burnout to self-compassion and other personality dimensions. Pastoral Psychology, 61, 149–163.

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.

Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind. London: Constable.Gilbert, P. (2010). An introduction to compassion focused therapy in cognitive behavior therapy.

International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, 3(2), 97-112.Hiraoka, R., Meyer, E.C., Kimbrel, N. A., B. DeBeer, B. B., Gulliver, S. B., & Morissette. S. B. (2015). Self-

compassion as a prospective predictor of PTSD symptom severity among trauma-exposed U.S. Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 28, 1-7.

Howell, A. J., Dopko, R. L., Turowski, J. B., & Buro, K. (2011). The disposition to apologize. Personality and Individual Differences, 51(4), 509-514.

Keng, S., Smoski, M. J., Robins, C. J., Ekblad, A. G., & Brantley, J. G. (2012). Mechanisms of change in mindfulness-based stress reduction: Self-compassion and mindfulness as mediators of intervention outcomes. Journal Of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 26(3), 270-280.

Kuyken, W., Watkins, E., Holden, E., White, K., Taylor, R. S., Byford, S., Dalgleish, T. (2010). How does mindfulness-based cognitive therapy work? Behavior Research and Therapy, 48, 1105-1112.

Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 887-904.

Neff, K. D. (2003a). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.

Neff, K. D. (2003b). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85-102.

Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2013). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78-98.

Neff, K. D., & Faso, D. J. (2014). Self-Compassion and Well-Being in Parents of Children with Autism. Mindfulness, 1-10.

Neff, K. D., Hseih, Y., & Dejitthirat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4, 263-287.

Neff, K. D. & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self and Identity, 9, 225-240

Neff, K. D. & Pommier, E. (2013). The relationship between self-compassion and other-focused concern among college undergraduates, community adults, and practicing meditators. Self and Identity, 12(2),160-176

Neff, K. D., & Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 908-916.

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Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77, 23-50.

Raab, K. (2014). Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, and Empathy Among Health Care Professionals: A Review of the Literature. Journal of health care chaplaincy, 20(3), 95-108.

Sbarra, D. A., Smith, H. L. & Mehl, M. R. (2012). When leaving your Ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science. 23(3), 261–269.

Schoenefeld, S. J., & Webb, J. B. (2013). Self-compassion and intuitive eating in college women: Examining the contributions of distress tolerance and body image acceptance and action. Eating behaviors, 14(4), 493-496.

Sirois, F. M., Molnar, D. S., & Hirsch, J. K. (2015). Self-Compassion, Stress, and Coping in the Context of Chronic Illness. Self and Identity, 14(3), 334-347.

Terry, M. L., & Leary, M. R. (2011). Self-compassion, self-regulation, and health. Self and Identity, 10(3), 352-362.

Vettese, L. C., Dyer, C. E., Li W. L. & Wekerle, C. (2011). Does self-compassion mitigate the association between childhood maltreatment and later emotional regulation difficulties? A preliminary investigation. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 9, 480-491.

Webb, J. B., & Forman, M. J. (2013). Evaluating the indirect effect of self-compassion on binge eating severity through cognitive–affective self-regulatory pathways. Eating Behaviors, 14(2), 224-228.

Wei, M., Liao, K., Ku, T., & Shaffer, P. A. (2011). Attachment, self‐compassion, empathy, and subjective well‐being among college students and community adults. Journal of Personality, 79, 191-221.

Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The Relationship Between Self‐Compassion and Well‐Being: A Meta‐Analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well‐Being, 7(3), 340-364.

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BACKDRAFT

What Is Backdraft?

Backdraft refers to discomfort—often old emotional wounds—that may arise when we give ourselves compassion. The experience of backdraft can be confusing for some practitioners but it is a key part of the transformation process. It helps to understand the nature of backdraft and to know how to respond to it.

“Backdraft” is a term that firefighters use to describe how a fire can intensify when fresh air is introduced through an open door. A similar effect can occur when we open the door of our hearts with self-compassion. Most of our hearts are hot with pain accumulated over a lifetime. In order to function in our lives, we needed to shut out stressful or painful experiences. However, when the door of our hearts opens and kindness flows in, old hurts are likely to come out. That’s backdraft. The discomfort we feel is not created by self-compassion practice—it’s simply being re-experienced and transformed by the power of compassion.

There is another metaphor for this process – warming up ice-cold hands. When our hands are numb from being out in cold and then they begin to warm up, we may experience pain for a short time. Numbness is also what we may feel toward old pains in our lives until we warm up our awareness with self-compassion.

How Do We Recognize Backdraft?

Backdraft can show up as any type of emotional, mental, or physical uneasiness. For example:

Emotionally – shame, grief, fear, sadness Mentally – “I’m all alone.” “I’m a failure.” “I’m unworthy.” Physically – body memories, aches, pains

Often uneasiness appears out of nowhere and we may not understand why it’s happening. Sadness may appear while meditating, or perhaps a sense of vulnerability. Secondary reactions may also arise when we struggle not to feel backdraft. For example, we might go into our heads (intellectualize), become agitated, withdraw, space-out, or criticize ourselves and others. All these reactions are quite natural and can also be met with kindness and compassion.

What Can We Do About Backdraft?

Below is a summary of approaches to backdraft that you will learn in MSC. However, please remember that you are the foremost expert on your life and what you need. You can begin by asking yourself “What do I need right now? “What do I need to feel safe?” Then, depending on what feels right to you, you may consider a few strategies in the following sequence:

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1. Allow backdraft to percolate in the background of their awareness and see if it dissipates on its own.

2. Slightly reduce whatever practices you are doing if backdraft remains strong, and see what happens.

3. If backdraft remains too distressing, then practice mindfulness to regulate emotions

4. When all else fails, anchor your awareness in ordinary activities—doing normal things you enjoy.

Practice mindfulness to regulate attention:

Label the experience as backdraft – “Oh, this is ‘backdraft’”—as you might for a dear friend.

Name your strongest emotion and validate it for yourself in a compassionate voice (“Ah, that’s grief”).

Explore where the emotion physically resides in your body, perhaps as tension in your stomach or hollowness in your heart, and offer yourself soothing or supportive touch.

Redirect your attention to a neutral focus inside your body (e.g., the breath), or a sensation at the boundary of the body (e.g., sensations in the soles of your feet while walking), or a sense object in the outside world (e.g., ambient sounds). The further from your body you go, the easier it will be.

Anchor awareness in ordinary activities:

You may feel the need to anchor your awareness in an everyday activity, such as washing the dishes, going for a walk, showering, cycling. If you happen to find the activity pleasant or rewarding for your senses (smell, taste, touch, sound, vision), allow yourself to savour it. Please see the handout, “Mindfulness in Daily Life,” for further instructions.

Or you may feel the need to comfort, soothe or support yourself in a practical, behavioral way, such as by having a cup of tea, a warm bath, listening to music, or calling a friend. Please see the handout, “Self-Compassion in Daily Life,” for additional instructions.

If you need further assistance, please make use of your personal contacts (friends, family, therapists, teachers) to get what you need.

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MINDFULNESS IN DAILY LIFE

Mindfulness can be practiced every moment of the day—while you brush your teeth, while you walk from the parking garage to work, when you eat your breakfast, or whenever your cell phone rings.

Pick an ordinary activity. You might choose drinking your cup of coffee in the morning, brushing your teeth, or taking a shower. If you wish, select an activity that occurs early in the day, before your attention is pulled in many directions.

Choose one sensory experience to explore in the activity, such as the sensation of taste as you drink your coffee or the sensation of water touching your body while showering.

Immerse yourself in the experience, savoring it to the fullest. Return your mind to the sensations again and again when you notice it has wandered away.

Bring gentle, friendly awareness to the activity until it has been completed.

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SELF-COMPASSION IN DAILY LIFE

The goal of the MSC program is to be mindful and self-compassionate in daily life. That means to (1) know when you’re under stress or suffering (mindfulness) and (2) to respond with care and kindness (self-compassion). The simplest approach is to discover how you already care for yourself, and then remind yourself to do those things when your life becomes difficult.

Self-Compassion in Daily Life

PHYSICALLY – soften the body How do you care for yourself physically (e.g., exercise, massage, warm bath, cup of tea)?

Can you think of new ways to release the tension and stress that builds up in your body?

MENTALLY – reduce agitation How do you care for your mind, especially when you’re under stress (e.g., meditation, watch a funny movie, read an inspiring book)?

Is there a new strategy you’d like to try to let your thoughts come and go more easily?

EMOTIONALLY – soothe and comfort yourself

How do you care for yourself emotionally (pet the dog, journal, cook)?

Is there something new you’d like to try?

RELATIONALLY – connect with others How or when do you relate to others that brings you genuine happiness (e.g., meet with friends, send a birthday card, play a game)?

Is there any way that you’d like to enrich these connections?

SPIRITUALLY – commit to your values What do you do to care for yourself spiritually (pray, walk in the woods, help others)?

If you’ve been neglecting your spiritual side, is there anything you’d like to remember to do?

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GIVING AND RECEIVING COMPASSION

Please sit comfortably, closing your eyes, and if you like, putting a hand over your heart or another soothing place as a reminder to bring not just awareness, but loving awareness, to your experience and to yourself.

Savoring the Breath

Taking a few deep, relaxing breaths, noticing how your breath nourishes your body as you inhale and soothes your body as you exhale.

Now letting your breathing find its own natural rhythm. Continue feeling the sensation of breathing in and breathing out. If you like, allowing yourself to be gently rocked and caressed by the rhythm of your breathing.

Warming Up Awareness

Now, focusing your attention on your in-breath only, letting yourself savor the sensation of breathing in, one breath after another, perhaps noticing how the in-breath energizes your body.

If you like, as you breathe in, breathing in kindness and compassion for yourself. Just feeling the quality of kindness and compassion as you breathe in, or if you prefer, letting a word or image of kindness ride on your breathing.

Now, shifting your focus now to your out-breath, feeling your body breathe out, feeling the ease of exhalation.

Now calling to mind someone whom you love or someone who is struggling and needs compassion. Visualize that person clearly in your mind.

Begin directing your out-breath to this person, offering the ease of breathing out.

If you wish, sending kindness and compassion to this person with each outbreath, one breath after another.

In for Me, Out for You

Now focusing again on the sensation of breathing both in and out, savoring the sensation of breathing in and out.

Beginning to breath in for yourself and out for the other person. “In for me and out for you.” “One for me and one for you.”

And as you breathe, drawing kindness and compassion in for yourself and sending something good out to another person.

Feel free to adjust the balance between breathing in and out—“Two for me and one for you” or “One for me and three for you”—or just let it be an equal flow, whatever feels right to you at this moment.

Letting go of any unnecessary effort, allowing this meditation to be as easy as breathing.

Allowing your breath to flow in and out, like the ocean going in and out - a limitless, boundless flow. Letting yourself be a part of this limitless, boundless flow. An ocean of compassion.

Gently opening your eyes. 10

COMPASSIONATE LISTENING

When you are engaged in conversation and would like to listen more attentively and feel more compassion, try this practice which allows us to disentangle from distractions and stay connected and emotionally attuned to others.

Waiting to Speak

Decide in advance to listen to the speaker, perhaps more than usual, before speaking. We instinctively want to comfort and soothe another person who is struggling, or to fix their problems. However, our words also take up space and leave less room for listening to what the speaker is really trying to say. Therefore, practice W-A-I-T – “Why am I talking?”

Embodied Listening

Practice embodied listening, listening from the neck down – feeling in your body what the speaker is saying – as well as listening with your ears and with your eyes.

Please allow warm feelings for the speaker to arise within you, if and when that happens, letting yourself feel “loving, connected presence.”

Giving and Receiving Compassion

Let your breathing happen quietly in the background of your awareness. As you listen, if you find yourself distracted for any reason, perhaps because you are tired, emotionally hooked, lost in reverie, or have a compelling need to give advice, begin practicing Giving and Receiving Compassion.

Feel the rhythm of your breathing, and with every in-breath, breathe in for yourself, reconnecting with your body. Breathe in care and comfort for yourself. Do this for a few breaths.

Then shift your attention to your out-breath, reconnecting with the speaker. Send comfort and kindness to the other person. Do this for a few breaths as well.

Now feel your body breathe both in and out—breathing in for yourself and out for the other. “In for me, out for you.” “One for me, one for you.”

If you like, you can let a word ride on each in-breath and outbreath, such as “compassion.” “warmth,” “comfort,” “tenderness,” or “love.” Or you can imagine inhaling and exhaling warmth or light. Continue inhaling something good for yourself and exhaling something good for the other.

If you find that you, or the other person, needs extra compassion, focus again on the in- or out-breath, as needed.

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When you have re-established connection with yourself and the speaker, you can allow your breathing to slip into the background of your awareness and listen in an embodied way to what the other person wishes to share.

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COMPASSION WITH EQUANIMITY

This practice is intended for use in actual caregiving situations, but is presented below as a meditation. It is a way of being compassionate with ourselves while maintaining connection to others. It combines the Giving and Receiving Compassion meditation with phrases that cultivate equanimity. Equanimity is balanced awareness in the midst of pleasant or unpleasant emotions.

Please find a comfortable position, let your eyes close partially or fully, and take a few deep breaths to settle into your body and into the present moment. You might like to put your hand over your heart, or wherever it is comforting and soothing, as a reminder to bring affectionate awareness to your experience and to yourself.

Please bring to mind someone you are caring for who is exhausting you or frustrating you—someone whom you care about who is suffering. (For this introductory exercise, please choose someone who is not your child, as this can be a more complicated dynamic.) Visualize the person and the caregiving situation clearly in your mind, and feel the struggle in your own body.

Now please listen carefully to these words, letting them gently roll through your mind:

Everyone is on their own life journey. (pause)

I am not the cause of this person’s suffering,

nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away,

even though I wish I could. (pause)

Moments like this are difficult to bear,

yet I may still try to help if I can.

Aware of the stress you are carrying in your body, inhaling fully and deeply, drawing compassion inside your body and filling every cell of your body with compassion. Letting yourself be soothed by inhaling deeply, and by giving yourself the compassion you need.

As you exhale, sending out compassion to the person who is associated with your discomfort.

Continue breathing compassion in and out, allowing your body to gradually find a natural breathing rhythm—letting your body breathe itself.

“One for me, one for you.” “In for me, out for you.”

Occasionally scanning your inner landscape for any distress and responding by inhaling compassion for yourself and exhaling compassion for others.

If you find that anyone needs extra compassion, directing your breath in that direction.

Noticing how your body is caressed from the inside as you breathe.

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COMPASSION WITH EQUANIMITY

Letting yourself float on an ocean of compassion—a limitless ocean that embraces all suffering.

And listening to these words once again:

Everyone is on their own life journey. (pause)

I am not the cause of this person’s suffering,

nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away,

even though I wish I could. (pause)

Moments like this are difficult to bear,

yet I may still try to help if I can.

Now letting go of the practice and allowing yourself to be exactly as you are in this moment.

Gently open your eyes.

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