dept. head rawlings

8/11/2019 Dept. Head Rawlings

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DEPT. HEAD RAWLINGS

Department Head Rawlings joined the Bureau as a field operative in 1979, transferred to the Agency in 19!, and has

wor"ed in liaison with the #oalition since 199$, when he too" over for Assistant Director Ro%erts and supervised

denia%le international operations and crisis response& He has written e'tensively on tactical(deployment theory and

speciali)ed personnel application for The Onionsince 1999& Due to the *ederal Denial +f Access o -nformation Act of

$..1, no further details concerning Department Head Rawlings are availa%le&

Allow Me To Introduce You To The OtherMembers Of Alpha Bravo TeamHello, sir. I'm Rawlings, head of the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. Allow me to welcome you to

the DSAL. I appreciate you coming from Zurich on such short notice. How was your flight? Yes, I know, the Concorde

isn't all it's cracked up to be, but we needed you here fast. Time is of the essence. This is our car.

Sorry about the view, but bulletproof glass isn't the clearest. Cigar? Drink? No? Hope you don't mind if I do. Thanks.

(Tony, make for corporate headquarters!)

Upon arrival at HQ, I'll introduce you to the other members of the team.

By the way, I was sorry to hear about your father. I knew him from Tunisia. A great man. You should be proud of him. I

realize you had your differences, but he was proud of you. I know you told him not to get involved with the Austrians, but

what happened wasn't his fault. Or yours. Anyway, he will be missed.

Why, yes, this is the DSAL's building. I didn't think you'd be so surprised. Where did you expect us to be, in some

Batcave? The most inconspicuous place, my friend, is always right in the middle of things.

Take your coat? The others will be waiting in the ready room as soon as they hear our car is off the elevator.

Here they are. Good lads, all of them, if a bit hard-headed. But that's the business for you. Mind your Ps and Qs, now.

Gentlemen! You know our guest by reputation, I believe. He'll be working with us to retrieve as many items as we can

from the Barcelona debacle. Once you're all briefed, I expect loadout and deployment in less than one hour.

Now, allow me to introduce you to the other members of Alpha Bravo team. The best available, and as good as any.

Hardin here was our man on the ground in Riyadh for that incident in '99. You remember that, I'm sure. Brooklyn boy, ex-

Marine, a logistics wizard, a legend in the fixer business. Put Hardin on the ground anywhere in the world and, odds are,

he speaks the language and knows some of the locals. One of the only men to walk out of Nepal after that infamous bit of

betrayal in '83, and I do mean walk out: 1,100 miles worth in six weeks with nothing but good boots, a knife, and a

newfound facility for the Sherpa tongue. A great yarn, that one, and all true. Shame no one can be told about it.

The Dutchman here may be deaf as a post, but there's no lockmechanical, electronic, or otherwisethat he can't

open. He can still sense vibrations, you see. He's also dead solid perfect at reading lips, across a room, over a TV

monitor, or through a rifle scope. And, although it may never come up, he designs and forges his own throwing knives

from meteorite steel. I can't say if it's true or not that he never sleepshe's only worked with us for three years.

Pierre you've heard of, I'm sure. Lucky, lucky Pierre. He's been the last man standing in more messes than I can

remember. Good man to be standing next to when the wheels come off. A master of subterfuge, disguise, and subtle


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poisons, deadly or merely incapacitating. Highly skilled in the operation of both rotary- and fixed-wing aircraft. Speaks

English without a trace of an accent but is French to the core. A survivor of our November gambit. The only survivor,

actually, though that turned out to be just as well.

The Fader is supposed to be on the roster, too, but he must not be here yet. Mei Ling! Is the Fader...? Oh, my apologies. I

didn't see you there. Well, you can seeor not seethe Fader's talents for yourself. A perfect infiltration man. Quiet, a

face that could be anybody's, can get lost in a crowd of two. It's what he does best. That and interrogation.

Finally, there's Mei Ling. She'll be the eyes and ears, coordinating you and the others through the Xerxes satellite

communication system. The subvocal transceivers in your mastoid sinus will filter out most vocal inflection, but it's her

voice you'll hear. Barring unforeseen circumstances, this is the only time you'll ever see her. I may be old-fashioned, but

I'll be damned if I'll put a woman in harm's way.

Now. Gentlemen, to the briefing room. We know where the Barcelona dossier is being kept, at least until tomorrow night.

Coffee? It's genuine Blue Mountain. Good. Now listen up and listen good: Your hoverplane leaves at 0500 hours.

By Now, The Uzbe!stan!s "ave #!scovered

The #!sappearance Of The!r Orb!tal $latformAh, I see we're all here. Well done, everyone. I was confident you could all get to this odd corner of Argentina by noon

GMT, and you did not disappoint. Although I'm distressed that two of you were forced to risk exposure by using

commercial flights. However, as you'll soon see, identity-containment is not our primary concern at this time.

Gentlemen, Mei-Ling, we are in crisis as of seven minutes ago, when space station UCCCPZ-5476-43-B failed to crest

the horizon over Gdazny. Even if our adversary's NKVD-trained orbital-warfare officers have been uncharacteristically

slow on the uptake, we must assume that the Uzbekistanis have, by now, discovered the disappearance of their Rasputin

orbital kinetic-energy-weapon platform.

Please, everyone, quiet! We may be in a godforsaken backwater, and this may be a tent, but it is my operations center,

and I will have silence. I will explain this to everyone once, understand? As we speak, the vital details are being burst-transmitted to your comlinksfor Klaus and Morgan, to your implants. For now, unless I indicate otherwise, please

assume the worst. It's that bad.

Yes, operatives, it has come to this. Six weeks ago, the decision was made to open the Prometheus Dossier. Certain

individuals felt that the Uzbeks were too... unstable, politically and financially, and could not be allowed to retain

possession of certain leftover Russian toys. The European space agencies were very helpful in allowing us use of crucial

resources and facilities, and there you have it. The Fader and his men intervened personally, and now we hold the high

ground, if you will. But it was a risky project, and it has brought us to the brink.

At approximately 0515 Greenwich, a French AUGUR/CASSANDRA-class low-Earth-orbit meson-resonator operated by

an adversary agency detected disturbances in the Earth's magnetosphere above the South Pole. This is not unusual,

given the nature of certain international sub-indigo-clearance projects being carried out below the remaining Ross IceShelf, but it alerted someone it should not have, and a message was sent to the Uzbeks. Though several selfless anti-

communications personnel gave their lives in the attempt, we could not intercept the transmission. But they do not know

where we have moved Rasputin. We think they're searching exotic circumlunar orbits at the moment. Which is

uncomfortably close to the truth, but it's a big sky.

So. If we are to avoid the biggest debacle since Barcelona, we must act quickly. Samandrea, you will compile a roster of

anything with unfired retro-rockets in near-earth orbit. It does not matter what company, government, or international

organization claims ownership; just get the damn list to Broadbranch in Emergency Acquisitions, cross-referenced with

time-to-orbit for the following vectors. Also, get that idiot Alexei to estimate the survivability of a quarterno, make that a

half-kilo of weaponized plutonium entering the atmosphere in all possible insertion patterns for the orbits in this sitrep.

And let's have some coffee. A threat to civilization as we know it is no reason to neglect civilization as we know it, as youruncle would say. How the hell that buzzard dealt with this sort of thing happening every day during his tenure I don't


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know, God have mercy on his soul. There are days I wish he were still in charge, and I were still a station-keeper in

Halifax. Not that I'd want to be in a coastal city if we screw this up.

All right. Technically, I'm not supposed to ask, but do we have any survivors of Project Yggdrasil in this room? Don't give

me that look, Molyneaux! Allegations of mutiny and cannibalism were never proven, and they may be the finest zero-

gravity combat elements in the Western world. Ben? Quinn? Sidney? I thought so, not that I ever would have asked. Why,

Mr. Rosewood, you old coot, I never would have thought it. You are all promoted two ranks as of this moment, unless that

would put you above me. Sorry, Quinn.

Congratulations to all of you. Now get to the scramjet at the helipad. You're expected at the Buenos Aires facility within

the hour, where you will be issued Gauss weapons, fitted for extravehicular BDU packs, and rotated through circulatory-

fluid replacement and augmentation by 0300. I hope you didn't have big breakfasts, gentlemen. You're deploying, rather

vertically, within six hours. Godspeed. I wish I were going with you.

Mei-Ling! Get off that damn phone!

Right. I want the short list of equatorial nations who owe us favors and a geographical abstract of any relatively

uninhabited tracts of land that are at least 12 miles long east-to-west and situated well above sea level. Evacuate the

locals from each and every one of them, minimizing collateral losses. Don't look at me like that! If we did Laramie, we can

do this.

Good. Now, Sergei, get at least one of your trained crisis-salvage crews to each of these locations and tell them that a

high-speed cargo, hot in both the thermal and radioactive senses, will be arriving in a big hurry within, let me see, 18

hours. They need to have it on the trucks before sunrise local time. For those few who don't know Cyrillic, make sure you

issue them cards showing the Russian designations for radioactivity, high magnetism, and xenotechnology.

All right. Everyone else is standby. Those with family in Western capital cities, please see the psych officer. Everyone

else grab some sleep. It's going to be a long night.

I%ve &ece!ved 'ome Unpleasant Informat!on&e(ard!n( My )stran(ed "alf*Brother%sInvolvement In The Barcelona #ebacleGood evening, gentlemen. Mei Ling. Or should I say good morning? I'm afraid the last few hours here at the Department

For Special Acquisitions And Liquidations have been rather, well, active. I apologize for calling you to Operations at such

a wretched hour, but if this report from the Transitional Branch in Seville is accurate, then we have some important

decisions to make. We must either act quickly to eliminate a threat to this Department, or we must take steps to remove

me from my position as Department Head. You see, I fear that my estranged but brilliant half-brother may have been

instrumental to the execution of the horrible debacle we experienced in Barcelona.

MacNeill, I was kept in the dark regarding Paladiev, as well. Like you, for many years, I had no need to know of my half-brother. It would have done more harm than good for me, as a young boy, to hear that my father, his identity exposed to

the NKVD and his file preemptively erased by the OSS, had found comfort in a smoky yurt and the welcoming arms of a

comely young shepherdess.

Ultimately, my father's narrow escape to Toulonand my pregnant motherwas interpreted by the shepherdess as a

political and personal betrayal. She used her enmity toward my father as a spur to her ambition. By the time Paladiev was

3, the shepherdess was a colonel of Soviet intelligence. How quickly she learned the sly and shameful rules of the Great

Game, and how eagerly she drilled them into her son.

Paladiev was an able student. He is a most formidable enemy. He is clever, but do not assume that he is only that. He

plans and he schemes throughout his waking hours. Cunning as he is tactically, he is brilliant strategically. Do not

underestimate him. If the Department had not done so...

In any case: Barcelona. You are all familiar with the events of the Barcelona debacle. But I'm sure you have wondered

just how the chessboard was manipulated, how the pawns were set up and made to fall just so. Through one of our post-


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compromised double operatives, Transitional Branch has learned that it was Paladiev who met with the undersecretary

on that stormy Barcelona afternoon. It was Paladiev who cut the support beam of the North Bridge, creating a perfect

distraction but killing hundreds. And it was Paladiev who poisoned the lipstick of the Swedish ambassador's mistress, and

so killed the threethe ambassador, his wife, and his lover.

The technician who installed our low-frequency network in Barcelona has been romantically linked to Paladiev; her body

has yet to be found. Most damning of all, the Transitional Branch has identified a man, seen only in profile through an

extreme-telephoto lens, who activated a detonator, spoke into a headset, and turned to fire a rifle. Yes, Paladiev was the

mysterious Third Window Washer.

Paladiev.

I don't know how he acquired the means to execute so elaborate a maneuver. That is unimportant. We could spend

months and millions of dollars tracing himto the forger in Singapore, the plastic surgeon in Dallas, a certain

neuroanatomist in Zurich, and a shadowy gunsmith in Tel Aviv. But what good would it do to follow these leads? By the

time we reached their ends, the men and women in question would either be dead or so thoroughly missing as to be

thought mere legends. A genius like Paladiev bends the world to his will.

Do not waste time and energy asking after Paladiev. He acts and reacts with adaptability, flexibility, and efficiency. His

artful erasure of his ways and means should not be surprising to trained professionals like yourselves. Boris, can you giveme the address of the man who built your fascinating prosthetic arm? Pierre, could you tell me exactly who first

synthesized your versatile collection of poisons? I thought not. Who is the architect who built these headquarters, after

all?

I'm sorry, Mei Ling. I do not know Paladiev's motives. His reasons for his life's work are his own. I have only speculation.

Perhaps he blames me for his mother's tragic death during the engineered eruption of Mt. Pinatubo in Luzon. I do not

know.

I do know, however, what actions my team will take. We are going into full hermetic lockdown this instant. Everyone,

including Department heads, is to begin prep for staff-wide, deep-muscle-tissue-biopsy DNA testing. I would not put it

past Paladiev to endure bone-marrow and lymphatic replacement to dupe a routine blood test. Before we make this

announcement staff-wide, we must deep-radar every room in the facility for...anything. For anything is exactly what

Paladiev is capable of.

Paladiev, Paladiev, my long-lost half-brother. What game are you playing?

+e "ave onf!rmat!on That 'omeone "asTested A Thanatos #ev!ceThank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you

wish. I apologize for taking you away from your family with so little warning, but events have overtaken usevents which,

as you'll soon see, involve our entire organization. Sir, what I am about to tell you is known by only 11 people in theWestern worldthe seven of us in this room, the Acting Director, and the three pertinent members of the Staff Council.

Though I know you to be circumspect and discreet, I'm afraid this is no ordinary intelligence briefing. The issue at hand is

beyond the scope of even our long-term Global Strategy 7. If you'd like to sit down, we'll begin.

We have received confirmation that, somewhere in the great Garagum desert in Turkmenistan, an organization unknown

to us has successfully tested a Thanatos device.

Now, in light of that rather staggering factsir? Why, yes, by all means avail yourself of the coffee. Here, allow me to add

the brandy, your hands are... there. Yes, I understand, sir. Take your time.

Yes, so, in light of this startling fact, we are positioning all available field resources appropriately. We need two things

from you at your very earliest convenience. You must provide me with a list of people who may possibly have aided the

Turkmen in the development of the device. And secondlywell, I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this business we're in... Of

course, we'll need your signed resignation on my desk by this time tomorrow.


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Yes, of courseif there is a tomorrow, indeed. The Thanatos device does make one nostalgic for the old days of mutually

assured nuclear destruction and its attendant comfort of shelter beneath the mountains. Even the phrase, "mutually

assured nuclear destruction," seems rather quaint now, doesn't it?

No one at the department, least of all myself, believes that anything was deliberately hidden from us, but certain

knowledge concerning Californium-298 and the more, shall we say, chthonic properties of tachyonsI must admit it gives

me pause.

Getting to the point, sir, I was approached yesterday by your department's own Herr Professor-Doktor Steinesser, a man

whom I know by rumor and reputation. Until this morning, the two working Thanatic resonators fabricated by his

predecessor were believed to be the only examples of their kind. He had instructions to bypass your office and report

directly to me in certain contingencies. This was one. Steinesser's team detected bursts of theta-amplitude

pseudoparticles coruscating from Turkmenistan three days ago. Being aware of the anti-temporal nature of his field, he

knew to look for unusually high activity in the teracycle bands, curiously violent and unnaturally symmetrical sunspot

formations, and small measurable lapses in general and relative causality. He claims they point to only one thing: their

newfound Thanatic capability. Yes, someone was cunning and formidable enough to not only build a device, but to hide it

from us, as well.

Please don't worry about the carpet.

So, protocol demands that you cede control of your department to me and retire to our complex on the Peninsula. You'll

remain here for no more than 36 hours in an advisory capacity, and then you're off to join your family. They are being

moved at this very minute. I wish I could say I know with 100 percent certainty that they'll be safe, but a rogue Thanatos...

Yes, quite right.

And so we come to an end, old comrade. I'm sorry it had to be like this, but, well, this business we're in, eh? Exactly,

exactly, duty above all. Best traditions of the Departments,potentia estand all that. It'll be me someday, you know, and I

can't say I'll be completely sorry. In any case, best to the family. They'll enjoy the Peninsula, and so will you. The

debriefing for your retirement is far from strenuous, and the fishing there... Certainly wish I could visit. I certainly do.

Yes. Goodbye, Bertie. Farewell.

Everyone else, your aircraft leave for Turkmenistan at Zulu 400. We're done here. Thank you. And God save us all.

$!erre +!ll Be -ead!n( The .ert!cal*Insert!onTeam Into The .ahan Terr!toryAh, yes, our new senior applied-science director. Come in, sir. Hello and welcome to our little corner of the operation.

Tea? Turkish? Mei Ling, some tea for the honorable science director. Susan is well, I trust? Good, good. Of course, sir

right to brass tacks it is.

I believe you've met Pierre. No, don't look for him to salute, sir. Why, none of them do. With all due respect, it's not

important. So, yes, Pierre will be leading the vertical-insertion team into the southwestern Vakhan territories. Our search

for evidence will be facilitated by the fact that the region is most certainly deserted by now. For the time being, Pierre

assumes that our nebulous opposition exercised a rather nasty nanotechnological option to cover their tracks. After all,

that is what Pierre would have done himself. In any case, we need you to describe to Pierre exactly what it is he'll be

looking for once he gets there. Once Thanatos Tertius, as we're calling it, is found, he'll dismantle and neutralize it.

Don't worry. He's capable. Pierre wrote the book on eliminating the Russian HIND assault helicopter using a standard

NATO entrenching toolliterally. You can find a copy of it on the laptop you were issued this morning. So, to answer your

question, he certainlycanperform a "decent" field-expedited tachyonistic-reactor disassembly.

For the love of... Yes, sir, he'swellaware that it will kill him. Really, I must take exception. You insult the intelligence or

courage of Theta Omicron squad.

No, no, it's all right. This unpleasantness has us all a bit on edge. Indeed, we should probably just get this business over

with. Yes, apology accepted.


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Now, Alexandrova will be our extraction operative for the region. She'll need a working knowledge of the radioactive

elements present on the far side of the Island of Stability. Rumors of the crashed orbital platform are beginning to reach

the public, so she'll use that to our advantage as we develop a plausible cover accident. We have a spare MJOLNIR

satellite that we could divert and crash in the areait's about to be decommissioned anyway. We'll also need Research

and Development to dig into their amusing little box of tricks. True, man may never cultivate that valley again, but we have

to weigh the thousands against the millions in this game.

And this man here... allow me to introduce Jack Quetch. Ha ha, yes. Mr. Quetch is indeed flesh and blood. I suppose the

time for denials is over. We've not only allowed him to live, but also made him a useful member of society. Our little

society, anyway. Why, yes, Jack does look deceptively young. It's hard to believe that Jack was 15 when Kennedy was

shot.

No, of course not. No, no. I was merely observing.

At any rate, sir, Jack needs to know the professional and personal details of each of your scientific colleagues outside of

the departmentanybody who knows even the merest hint of the principles that went into the construction of the

Thanatos device. Jack has a list of some rather brilliant and unorthodox thinkers, and he'd like to go though that list with

you. Shame. Brilliant men, all. A waste, certainly.

So that's our next 72 hours, I'm afraid. You're absolutely certain, sir, that the Thanatos mechanism requires as much timeto accumulate enough potential for a second discharge? Good then. As you know, we are by no means certain where the

first discharge was directed. We're having our orbital assets resituated to scan the lunar surface for signs of its effects,

and then all sizable bodies in the inner solar system. Since Thanatic harmonics are not restricted by line-of-sight, or even

strict Einsteinian dimensionality, judging the success of their test will be quite difficult. Not complaining, of course. Had

they directed it at a populated area, we would most certainly know the device's effectseven though we do not know

who "they" are. Reason enough to get right to work, no?

I extend our gratitude for the use of your formidable mind. I believe I may offer you the thanks of my superiors, as well.

The steward will see you to the ancillary office, where the underteam, placed at your disposal, awaits your briefing. Thank

you again. Goodbye, and pleasant evening.

Right. Ah, Jack? Yes. Wait until the good doctor has thoroughly briefed everyone on Thanatos, and then, ah, escort

him...out, will you? We're fairly sure it wasn't him, but as you know, we must think in terms of capabilities and not

intentions. However you think best. Thank you.

And Jack? I see here on his AD-736 he's specified cremation, so... there's no particular need to be neat.

+e "ave New Intell!(ence &e(ard!n( TheIdent!ty Of The ounter*'py +!th!n The#epartmentWelcome, gentlemen. Please, make yourselves comfortable. I'm afraid Mei-Ling is picking out china patterns or planning

a bridal shower or some such matrimonial matter this evening. Please feel free to avail yourself of coffee, cigars, cognac.

We have unusually unpleasant business to discuss, and I don't think a drop or two would be amiss. I'm pleased to say

that everyone here can hold their liquor as well as they can their secrets.

I know these past few weeks have been difficult, dealing with this Johannesburg situation while Internal Security dogged

our every move, but every one of you has been cleared. Spare me the looks, people, you heard me. Forbish is not the

security leak inside the Department.

Pierre! Pierre, man. I know your history with Forbish, but if you do not take that knife away from Forbish's throat, I swear

to God I will have you shot! And if you don't think I'd condone the killing of a man in a wheelchair, then you must have

forgotten the many times I ordered you to do so!


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Good man, Pierre. Good man. Give him some brandy, someone. And don't you start back in on him, Forbish. If he's

willing to slit your throat, it simply means you've done a brilliant job as a decoy and magnet for suspicion.

I'm sorry I had to ask you to do that.

But hear me, gentlemen: Everyone here can be trusted. And we all must work together for the next few days, and work

feverishly, if we are to prevent any further damage to the Department. All other assignments are now tertiary to what

we're about to undertake. For the news is worse than I could have believed.

Gentlemen, we must operate under the assumption that Mei-Ling's beloved fianc is in fact our adversarymy estranged

and devious half brother, the infamous Paladiev.

For God's sake, someone say something. You are all mooning like poleaxed calves.

How do you thinkIfeel? My avuncular fondness for her is no great secret, and for the first time, I saw her happy. Not

merely content in her duty, or experiencing professional satisfaction, but happy. The man checked out instantly. Which,

perhaps, should have made me suspicious but, well, you saw how she was.

Last year, Zurich's top man in clandestine cosmetic DNAreassignment surgery was found decapitated in an Amsterdam

whorehouse. Thanks to luck and the best scent-hounds in Europe, the Department found his head and was able to

perform quasi-revivification for long enough to extract information from his mostly intact braincase. We discovered that

the surgeon had recently performed a total facial reconstruction and genome transfer on a man who fits, within one

decimal point, the exact genetic code of my brilliant semi-kin.

Two weeks later, Mei-Ling met the man we then knew only as "Seth."

My God, men, she's been this department's right hand since I found her on the streets of Shenzhen in 1992, at the age of

11! I thought she deserved whatever support we could give her. I can only blame myself for relaxing our strict policy of

having the romantic partners of Departmental staffers liquidated after six months.

Which is why Mr. Bisson is here. Some of you know Mr. Bisson, and I'm sorry you have to see him again. His specialty

has become less common since the heady 1970s, but his services are still quite useful to us.

We have three weeks until the wedding. In that time, we will support Bisson's effort to carry out a calculated, whirlwind

seduction-and-assassination assignment. Of course, this is why the Department's in-house chef and pheromone expert

are both here. They both owe me many favors. But no one outside this room is to know. Least of all Mei-Ling herself.

Bisson, you have your assignment. I have faith in your, shall I say, unorthodox skills and experience. It's said that the

Japanese and Brazilian artists who trained you in the craft of physical love retired after you completed your tutelage, and

that the Russians who schooled you in the methodology of murder fear no one but yourself.

But exercise caution when bedding Paladiev. You may be the world's most seductive catamite assassin, but I daresay his

guard is never down at any moment. Not for one moment whatsoever.

And I warn you, Mr. Bisson: If Mei-Ling is hurt, hurt in any manner or fashion.... I'm glad we understand each other.

Now, gentlemen, to work! We have a wedding of sorts to plan.

As Of Th!s Br!ef!n(, +e "ave ommencedOperat!on /lobal $enumbraGood afternoon, gentlemen, Mei-Ling, Your Grace, Madame Secretary. Welcome to the Department for Special

Acquisitions and Liquidations. May I entreat you to take your seats? I thank you all for arriving early and am sorry there

was not time to brief you en route. I'm sure you'll understand our need for expediency when I tell you that 18 hours and

33 minutes ago our department, sensing the worldwide sociopolitical climate was favorable to our needs, launched DSAL

Project GFG-33.1 variant 4, code referent "Penumbra" in every nation you all serve and/or represent.

Please, everyone, spare me your murmurs and grumbles. After recent events in the Italian Alps, the discovery of

certain...deposits in the Adirondacks, and the unforseen but certainly fortuitous crash in the Gobi, you must have at least


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And his talents work in the converse, as well. He can communicate volumes through gesture and tone of voice, and has

refined the art of persuasion to the point where his mere posture, or the manner in which he holds a cigarette, serves to

bend those around him to his will. This aided him in becoming one of the most formidable recruiters and intelligence

gatherers in the world, as well as a world-class seducer.

Don't look so sheepish, Lord Montcrief. World-class, as I said. And you were quite young.

Naturally, the Homunculus has been sedated and was held at gunpoint during his initial debriefing. He is being guardedby a man we've had on retainer for years in case of this eventuality, a trained deaf-mute with the observational and

personal sensitivity of a boulder. And in themy word, what time is it? In the 18 hours we've had him, he has divulged so

much raw data that we will be months just assembling the basics. Indeed, the framework of what he has said is

staggering.

For example, we now know why the Kansas City office, of all places, has generated so much useful material over the

years. We now know the motivation behind a certain young saxophone-playing physicist's decision to encode the secrets

of stable transuranics in the countermelody of a rather mediocre piece of jazz fusion in 1976. At long last, we even know

the true identities of the Second and Fifth Window Washers in the Barcelona debacle. And, outside of all expectations,

we have solved a mystery involving our own Mei-Linga mystery concerning the source of her unique competence, the

unusual amethyst color of her eyes, and even her violin-shaped birthmark.

Mei-Ling, I believe you have roughly 19 months of accumulated family leave coming? Yes, of course. Well. How may I put

this delicately? You may, ah, have a use for that sort of leave time now, if you grasp my implication. I know it's a lot to

absorb, so if you would like to take some time off.

No? Very well, then. Carry on.

As for the rest of you, I will need your first-approximation recommendations regarding lines of questioning within the hour.

Be creative. And no one is to attempt to talk to the Homunculus, or to speak to anyone who will be speaking to him, until

we are certain of his loyalties.

Thank you, gentlemen. Your aircraft will be leaving at their scheduled times. Oh, and speaking of which: If you happen to

notice that your pilot is an ageless little man with a stooped back, a club foot, and no hair except for his eyebrows, do notboard the plane.

dept. head rawlings

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