did i say that_ebook

8/7/2019 Did I Say That_Ebook

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Did I Say That?

What is Your Body

Language Saying?


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Did I Say That?

What is Your Body

Language Saying?

By Sharon Skaling


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Did I Say That?

What is Your Body Language Saying?

It happens all the time. You start a business or

sales conversation with someone; you think that

they understand you, and you understand them,

and that you have the beginnings of a mutually

beneficial professional or client relationship.

Later, in developing that relationship, you

discover a problem. You find that the message

you wanted to communicate was not the

message received, or you have misunderstoodthe other person's intent, and what seemed like

a great opportunity is suddenly lost, or in

jeopardy. Trying to make sense of what went

wrong with your message, you find yourself

asking: Did I say that?

Usually, when we ask ourselves this question,

we focus mainly on what we said, never realizing

that communication is a more complex process

that goes beyond mere words. In fact, over 90%

of what we communicate is interpreted

nonverbally by how we say it, and how we look

when we say it. Yet we are likely to put more effort

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into what we say because we think that is the key

to getting what we want in business, and in life.

From tone of voice and facial expressions to

body language and other distractions not within

our control, there are many nonverbal factors

that determine how others will interpret what we

say, and vice versa. Little wonder that we

frequently ask ourselves: Did I say that?

The most effective communicators and the most

successful business people understand and

use both body language and image techniques

t o c re at e c om pe ll in g m es sa ge s a nd

presentations. Through this booklet, you will

discover and learn how to harness these proven

techniques so you can communicate more

effectively, better understand what others are

saying, enhance your ability to achieve your

goals, and enjoy more rewarding, long-term

professional and personal relationships.


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What is this thing called

communication?

Essentially, communication is an exchange of

information written, verbal or behavioural

between individuals. It is:

A process; it cannot be reversed or repeated

exactly.

A system; a message is sent via a channel

(e.g., verbal, written) to another person.

An interaction; any person involved in

communication undergoes some form of

change.

Transactional; we share ourselves with one

another.

Functional: it produces change.

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Understanding the

communication cycle

The communication cycle appears relatively

simple: you, as the source, prepare a message

either verbal or written which you transmit to

someone else a receiver. The receiver then

decodes your message, determines i ts

meaning, prepares a response, and transmits it

back to you. This process can take milliseconds,

or days, depending on how you communicate. It

seems like such a simple process, so why does

communication often go wrong?

The truth is that communication isn't quite so

s im pl e. R es ea rc h b y e xp er ts s uc h a s

Dr. Mehrabian at UCLA shows that any

p re se nt at io n y ou m ak e h as t hr ee k ey

components: visual (your body language, facial

expressions, physical characteristics, even

clothing and grooming), vocal (the sound,

volume and clarity of your voice) and verbal (the

actual content of your message). Of the three,

visual has the greatest impact in communicating

successfully, accounting for 55% of your

presentation. Voice accounts for 38%, and

verbal just 7%. It has been suggested by some


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interpreters of this research that 90% of your

total visual presentation depends on clothing

and grooming. While I am unable to find other

research to support this interpretation, it is

certain that the clothing you choose can affect

your body language - even modify or

camouflage physical characteristics, making a

highly professional wardrobe essential.

So your wardrobe, along with grooming, body

language and tone of voice, will either enhance

or compromise the verbal portion of your

presentation, the essence of your message.

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With the what apparently having so little impact,

it is often assumed that the information we areconveying is not important in our overall ability to

influence individuals and audiences. In reality,

however, who we are and how we deliver ourinformation is really only important so people will

listen to us, understand what we are saying, andact on it. ~ Suzanne Stevens (Content is King,

Speaking of Impact, Summer 2005)

Simply put, style will get you in the door, and

your substance will keep you there. Enhance

your style, and you will enhance your substance.

How can you ensure effective

communication?

Often, what you don't say is more influential than

what you do say. The nonverbal signals that you

send can suggest, accurately or inaccurately,

your attitude, understanding and empathy even

your ethics. Within seconds of meeting

someone, that person is judging you based on

what he or she sees and feels. It's these silent

messages that will determine your ability to

make a strong first impression. Learn to identify

and interpret these nonverbal language cues,

and how you can use them to send a complete

message that is consistent in words, gestures

and meaning.


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Did you know: In the business world, where

companies will judge you against other equally

quali fied candidates, appropriate body

language can give you the edge you need to get

the career you want?

Body language is extremely important in any

face-to-face communication. In fact, it may be

as important as what you say. Used correctly,

body language can reinforce and enhance the

impact of your message.

Positive Body Language

Our body language is an important aspect of

running a successful business as we cannotalways say what we really feel. This means we

have to act positive in negative situations (andvice-versa of course). You can also identify other

people's body language and know what they

really mean: whatever they may be saying.~Bizhelp24.com

Like all nonverbal communication, your bodylanguage helps to shape the overall image that

others have of you. It should be a carefully

p la nn ed c om po ne nt o f y ou r p er so na l

presentation, just like your hairstyle and your

professional wardrobe. Your clients, customers,

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employers, colleagues and acquaintances will

det ermine your honesty, inte gri ty and

professionalism based on subtle messages they

observe in your body language, and that can

influence whether they start or continue a

business relationship with you.

Here are some typical interpretations of

common body language cues:

open-lipped smiling;

open hands with palms visible; unbuttoning coat

upon being seated.

leaning forward in chair; chin up;

putting tips of fingers of one hand against the

tips of fingers of other hand in praying or

steepling position; hands joined behind back

when standing.

smoking; whistling; pinching

skin; fidgeting; jiggling pocket contents; running

tongue along front of teeth; clearing throat;

running fingers through hair; wringing hands;

biting pens or other objects; twiddling thumbs;

biting fingernails (or evidence of); tongue

clicking.

Openness and Warmth:

Confidence:

Nervousness:


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Untrustworthy / Defensive: frowning; squinting

eyes; tight-lipped grin; arms crossed in front of

chest; pulling away; chin down; touching nose

or face; darting eyes; looking down when

speaking; clenched hands; gestures with fist;

pointing with fingers; chopping one hand into

the open palm of the other; rubbing back of

neck.

Now, let's look at the individual elements of body

language so you can ensure your nonverbal

cues are always consistent with your verbal

message.

Let's face it: Your face is the key to your identity,

and your facial expressions are the most honest

indicators of what you really feel. These

expressions are also hard to control, or conceal,

so let's begin our look at body language and itsimpact on our ability to communicate with others

by exploring facial expressions.

About face

Given that people believe what they see more

than what they hear, your expressions may

betray the message you want to convey. Using

a mirror, or other methods, study your facial

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expressions, discretely if you are in a

conversation. As you become more familiar

with your expressions, you can learn to control

them so they are consistent with the message

you want to communicate.

Did you know: Paul Ekman, professor of

psychology at the University of California

Medical School, has conducted considerable

research on expression, the physiology of

emotion and interpersonal deception? He has

identified over 10,000 possible combinations of

facial expressions. Fortunately, only 3,000 of

them mean something to the average person!

Of the thousands of facial expressions you use

in everyday communication, your smile is the

most important one when it comes to making a

good impression. Everybody looks better whenthey smile. A warm smile also puts people at

ease, while communicating confidence and

trustworthiness. Keep yours unforced and

confident.

When you're smiling


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Did you know: Even the slightest smile can help

you make a favourable impression? Look at the

most popular models. They are professionals

when it comes to managing their smiles,

creating an accommodating and attractive look

that engages consumers, a technique valued by

both their clients and their fans.

While a natural smile may be your strongest

asset, your mouth can also convey weakness.

Downward turns or flat lines send negative

signals. Touching your mouth frequently, faking

a cough when faced with a difficult question, or

gnawing on your lip absentmindedly all suggest

weakness or lack of confidence.

Tight smiles and tension in your facial muscles

indicate you cannot handle stress. Pursed lips

imply that you are secretive, even dishonest.

And frowns, sideways looks, or peering over

y ou r g la ss es s ig ni fy h au gh ti ne ss a nd

arrogance.

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The eyes have it

When talking to a new or long-time business

colleague, maintain direct eye contact with

smiling eyes and relaxed brow to show that you

are interested and comfortable. Limited or no

eye contact indicates a lack of interest,

discomfort, or distraction. Rolling eyes break

eye contact and suggest disinterest, disbelief, or

exasperation. Tension in your brow implies

confusion, stress, or fear. Appropriate Personal

Space is equally important for maintaining eye

contact in a business conversation.

F or n et wo rk in g o r s ta nd in g b us in es s

conversations, the ideal space is approximately

to 1 metre, or arm's length, while to 2 metres

is recommended for a seated conversation.

Other quick cues to remember:Exasperation

AngerSkepticism

Sad

Raised Eyebrows =

Lowered Eyebrows =Askew Eyebrows =

Concave Eyebrows =


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A heads up

Most of us, while listening to someone speak,

tend to nod our heads, either in agreement or to

convey that we are interested in what he or she

has to say. Be careful to avoid rapid nodding,

which suggests that you are impatient and too

eager to add something to the conversation.

Slower nodding implies interest, validates the

speaker's comments, and subtly encourages

him or her to continue. Tilting your head slightly,

combined with eye contact and a natural smile,

also conveys interest, even friendliness andapproachability.

Upper body strength

Creating a strong first impression starts with a

confident handshake. Use one hand and always

shake vertically three times. Be sure to put your

hand all the way into the other person's hand so

your thumbs touch; do not give a wimpy

fingertip handshake. And always smile and

make eye contact when you are shaking hands.

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Speaking of hands, professionals like to see the

hands of potential business partners, so keep

yours well groomed, and, after the handshake,

in front of your body, with arms crossed at hip

level. Avoid fidgeting with objects (e.g., pens,

paper, your hair), pen tapping, or drumming offingers, all of which can suggest impatience or

annoyance.

Your upper body posture is also important in

m ak in g a p os it iv e i mp re ss io n i n a ny

conversation or presentation. A closed-off

posture tells others that you are close-minded,

w hi le a n o pe n p os tu re s ym bo li zes a n

enthusiastic attitude. Finally, mirroring or

imitating the actions of the person you are

conversing with indicates that you like and

respect them, and wish to be friendly. Be careful

not to mirror negative nonverbal behavior.

Remember:

Closed-off Posturelacking interest

or feeling inferioranxious, uptight

can be just coldor protecting the body

agitated, anxious, boredbored, or

has something to say

Shoulders hunched forward =

Rigid Body Posture =

Crossed arms (chest level) =

Tapping fingers =Fidgeting with hands or objects =


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Open Postureinterested

very open to ideas, comfortable

Remember that your posture can make a

positive or negative impression when you are

offered a business or career opportunity. For

Leaning forward =Fingers interlocked, placed behind head

leaving elbows open and armpits exposed =

Getting a leg up

Smooth moves, smart stances

Whether you are sitting or standing, a fidgety leg

s i g n i f i e s a n x i e t y o r i m p a t i e n c e .

Crossed legs, while sitting, do not necessarily

mean anything, but when combined with

bouncing legs, crossed arms, or slumped torso,

they suggest a closed-off posture.

Good overall posture and movement convey

assurance, professionalism, and credibility.

For example, standing straight and tall is a sure-

fire indicator of self-confidence and self-

awareness. If you have a habit of slumping or

hunching your back, you can unlearn that

behaviour through practice, and by building

your self-esteem.

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example, standing tall with strong shoulders,

head up, arms out by your sides and closed fists

says that you are ready for any challenge that

comes your way. If you stand with your

shoulders hanging, arms folded, and leaning to

one side, people will assume you aren't ready for

or interested in the task in question.

Quick tips on movements, posture and stance,

and how they are interpreted:

sensualopen and comfortable

closed,uncomfortable, disagreement

vulnerable, protectivewaiting, angry

restlesslooking for security

in controlfeeling of inadequacy

feeling heavyresponsibility (carrying a heavy load)

unsupportedlack of interest or enthusiasm

various meanings; ifspeaking, it may conflict with your message

introvertextrovert

if speaking, it may mean a lack ofconfidence

Playing with hair =

Hands unlocked =Crossed arms (at chest level) =

Arms holding self =Hands on hips =

Pacing =Rocking =

Controlled movements =Head set forward =

Shoulders forward =

Rounded back =

Slouching =Weight on one leg =

Toes pointing in =

Toes pointing out =

Leaning =


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The key is that a nonverbal signal is not acomplete message. Watch for a pattern ofsignals that all have the same meaning. Thebody language should match the verbalexpressions and the context of the situation.

Now that you know how people interpret

common body postures and gestures, you can

polish yours to make sure that they are

consistent with the message you want to send,

and its intention. You can also recognize similar

nonverbal signals in others that signify a

potential breakdown in communication, or lack

of agreement. Watch your colleagues carefully

for changes in body language that may indicate

a shift in understanding or perception. After all,

a good communicator 'listens' at all levels,

noting nonverbal cues as well as the words that

are said.

Human beings aren't the only

animals that use body language to display their

true feelings? Rabbits will hop or dance to show

pure joy and happiness. Maybe that's where the

popular Bunny Hop dance started!

~Robert C. Brenner, Body Language in Business.

Did you know:

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Was it something I said?

What you say

The sound should be an echo to the sense. -Alexander Pope, poet

The sound of the words you use can enhance

the meaning of your message, so it is beneficial

to know how tone of voice and emphasis impact

your ability to communicate effectively. Even in

written communication (email), we often use

graphics and symbols to indicate the tone

behind our words. The old saying, say what you

mean and mean what you say, holds true, not

only in our choice of words but also in the tone of

our words.

Miscommunication often occurs when the

words you use are ill suited to your message or

audience. Consider the following tips when

preparing your content:

Avoid using terms that

eliminate members of one sex or are gender-

specific nouns (i.e., waitress, fireman).

Be Gender-Neutral:


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Be Non-Judgmental:

Respect your Audience:

Pitch:

Avoid using words that

judge people or use a negative perspective

(e.g., cheap, expensive, ugly).

consider the listener's

education, social position and sensitivity to your

topic. Choosing words and a style that

d em on st ra te r es pe ct w il l a id i n t he

communication process, as well as your

business relationship.

Remember, in any verbal presentation, how you

say it, your voice, is just as important as what

you say. The three things to remember are:

This is the relative vibration frequency of

the human voice that contributes to the total

meaning of speech. Lowering your pitch gives

you a more powerful sound. Vary your pitch for

maximum impact; a f lat monotone wil l

compromise your presentation.

How you say it

Volume: The volume of your voice should be

adjusted based on situation. A moderate volume

is appropriate most of the time, and exudes

confidence. While commanding attention, a

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loud volume can be seen as insensitive or

dictatorial. You may appear uncertain or weak

using too soft a volume.

Speak at a moderate rate to demonstrate

confidence. A quick rate can create a sense of

urgency, and should only be used in pressing

situations. A slower rate may sound thoughtful,

but it can come across as 'slow minded'.

From static on a telephone line to internet and

regular mail disruptions, there are distractions or

barriers to communication that are out of your

control. These issues make it more important to

polish your nonverbal communication skills to

ensure your message is heard as you intended

it.

Rate:

It's out of your control

Say it with Style

Body language, facial gestures, and how you

say what you say are all crucial elements in how

you communicate. Business attire and

grooming are also important. They should

consistently complement the goods or services

you sell, your words, and your communication


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style for your pitch to connect with your

audience - the first time, and every time. With

over 90% of communication based on visual

elements and vocal tone, it is little wonder that

communication breakdowns occur when you

only focus on your verbal message.

By combining these techniques with the tips on

building and managing a professional wardrobe

found in my booklet, "I Have Nothing to Wear:

How to Make $ and Sense From Your Business

Wardrobe," you have the tools you need to

communicate more effectively. And by

maintaining a total image that is consistent with

your message from body language to

wardrobe you won't find yourself asking, Did I

say that? Instead, you'll have the confidence of

knowing you are communicating a complete

and consistent message that effectively

achieves your goals.

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Your Premier ImageManagement Resource

Change the way you see yourselfand you'llchange the way the world sees you. Tools andresources from Panoply 3D Image Consulting

that aid in the transformation include:Personal Image Consultations

Customized Presentations for workplaces andassociations

Keynotes for conventions and conferences

Dress Code Development and Implementation

Contact:

[email protected]

Panoply 3D Image Consultingwww.panoply3d.com


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Text copyright 2005

All rights reserved. No part of this booklet may be

reproduced in any form without prior permission, except forbrief quotations for media reviews.

Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data

Skaling, Sharon, September 2005

Did I Say That? What is Your Body Language Saying?

ISBN 0-9737323-1-8

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