Dignity is not negotiable

You matter in a child’s life

Connection makes life meaningful

Satisfying work (curiosity)

Hope of being successful

Social connection

Meaning beyond oneself

Happiness

The right to be treated with dignity by others.

The responsibility to treat others with dignity.

Valuing the development of social competence as a critical academic skill.

Your Students’ “Happiness” at School Is Based on Three Fundamental Concepts:

But conflict But conflict is inevitableis inevitable

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2010Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2010

Culture vs Climate

School culture is the unwritten rules, shared ideas, assumptions, values, and beliefs that give an organization its identity.

School climate is the quality and character of school life based on patterns of students, parents, and school personnels’ experience of school life and reflects the norms, goals, values, teaching and learning practices.

What are your colleagues thinking?

I'd like a solid definition of bullying so we're not "crying bully" when we should be helping kids work through average teen drama.

Drama Vs. Bullying:

Bullying is using power or strength to make someone feel worthless. Usually defined as being one way.

Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. Always defined as a conflict where both people are actively involved and not serious or hurtful.

I do not advocate ignoring bullying but I can tell you that while I’m sure it goes on, I’m not aware of it. I am busy teaching. I don’t mean to sound unkind but wading into the abyss of teenaged social cruelty is just not on my agenda. I’m a foreign language teacher, not a psychologist or counselor. So please stop asking me to assume roles for which I’m unprepared and frankly, uninterested. Stop wanting teachers to do every job that come down the pike, and then be all surprised that instruction suffers. You raise your children, I will teach them French.

• You feel liked by the person.

• You don’t feel that the person wants to put you down

• They will stop if you ask.

Good Teasing

• The teaser doesn't know how you feel because you won’t tell them.

Or

• They blow you off with, “I was just joking.” “You’re so sensitive!”

Unintentional Bad

Teasing• You’re teased about

something you’re insecure about.

• If you defend yourself, you’re “uptight” or threatened with ending the friendship.

• Relentless and public.

Bad Teasing/ Bullying

Telling to get someone in

trouble.

The goal is to make the

problem bigger and more

public.

Telling because the problem is

too big to solve on your own.

The goal is to right a wrong.

Snitching Reporting

vs.

Gray Zones

Dining Hall

Nook in Library

Senior Hall

Locker Rooms

Recess

Assemblies

Field trips

Tunnel

Any place in transition

Assess on the approach.

Don’t ask the group who’s responsible.

Get group on task with promise to follow up individually.

Assess as they leave.

In the moment

STOPSTOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later?

EXPLAINEXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want.

AFFIRMAFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge.

LOCKLOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out.

SEALSEAL

Listening!Listening!Be prepared to be changed by what you hear.Be prepared to be changed by what you hear.

Affirm feelings; don’t voice your opinion about the Affirm feelings; don’t voice your opinion about the truth of the story or ask a barrage of questions.truth of the story or ask a barrage of questions.

Ask if he’s venting or wants advice.Ask if he’s venting or wants advice.

Don’t use her slang.Don’t use her slang.

Share your own experiences without telling him Share your own experiences without telling him how you would have done it. how you would have done it.

Don’t just do something, stand there.Don’t just do something, stand there.

If you don’t know, admit it.If you don’t know, admit it.

Senior Hall

What do you know about these kids? Who has social power? Who do you know best? What is triggering you?

I have asked you once to be quiet while I’m teaching and you can’t do it. Please go to the sofas outside the office until your next class. Later, find David the kid you know best, and pull him aside. (you can fib if he’s around other students)

Explain: I have asked you repeatedly to stop playing music and talking outside my classroom. When you don’t, it feels like a direct disrespect to me.

I’m sorry! We’re studying! We’re just sharing ideas!

David we’ve had this conversation so many times before that I don’t think your apology is sincere. If you’re sorry that means you will change your behavior. Is that what you’re saying?

Yeah.

Thank you. Look this was hard for me. You’ve been my student. Now that we’ve talked I don’t think this is going to happen again but if it does I need to tell you that X will occur. I don’t think it will but I don’t want you to have any surprises.

The Child is the Target

You Don’t Say:

Bullies are insecure, jealous, or weak.

Ignore it, walk away.

I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way.

That’s just the way the world is.

You don’t realize it now but you’ll be stronger for the experience.

Punch them in the face.

You Do Say:

I’m so sorry.

Thank you for telling me.

Together we’re going to work on this.

Destroy your credibility.

Don’t

Treat you and the other person with dignity.

Do

It’s okay

Whatever

Don’t worry about it

Thank you

Accepting Apologies

The Child is a Bystander

“I’m sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me because I know it can be hard to come forward about things like this and I really respect the fact that you did. Now let’s think about what we can do about it.”

USE SEAL TO FRAME STRATEGY

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2010

Choosing Your MomentChoosing Your Moment

MarkMark: Forwarding those pictures of Michael was messed up.: Forwarding those pictures of Michael was messed up.

AndyAndy: No it wasn’t! It was amazing! : No it wasn’t! It was amazing!

Mark: You know he was really mad. Mark: You know he was really mad.

AndyAndy: No I don’t! If he was so freaked out why didn’t he say anything? : No I don’t! If he was so freaked out why didn’t he say anything?

MarkMark: Because than you would make fun of him even more. : Because than you would make fun of him even more.

Andy: Andy: It’s not my fault he’s so weak. And wait a minute, you laughed just as much It’s not my fault he’s so weak. And wait a minute, you laughed just as much as I did. as I did.

MarkMark: I’m not proud of this but I laughed because I was nervous. All I’m asking is : I’m not proud of this but I laughed because I was nervous. All I’m asking is you lay off. you lay off.

AndyAndy: Fine I’ll back off but you do realize how gay you’re being about this whole : Fine I’ll back off but you do realize how gay you’re being about this whole thing right? thing right?

Mark: Right, I’m gay because I want you to stop making a kid miserable. Whatever. Mark: Right, I’m gay because I want you to stop making a kid miserable. Whatever.

They go back to the game. They go back to the game.

Remind parents this is one moment not a Remind parents this is one moment not a lifetime.lifetime.

If people are upset, ask them to slow down If people are upset, ask them to slow down because you want to hear them. because you want to hear them.

Tell them you’ll talk to the child and get back Tell them you’ll talk to the child and get back to them.to them.

To the student: With paper in hand say, “X To the student: With paper in hand say, “X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong.”it was wrong.”

The child is the BullyThe child is the Bully

Can you tell me why you think we’re meeting right now?

Rolls eyes. Because you think I’m mean to Dan and Jackson and I’m not. I’m just joking! They know it! I don’t understand why this has to be such a big deal.

Tyler, have you ever been really mad at someone, you knew exactly what you wanted to say and you carried it around with you looking for the perfect moment to tell them?

Are you good at joking around like this with people? Like you’re quick with comebacks?

I guess.

And do you tend to be good at winning arguments?

Maybe.

Has anyone you’ve called gay or retarded or made a joke about their religion, ever asked you to stop?

No.

If you’re good at arguing and comebacks, why wouldn’t a friend want to tell you when they don’t like something you’re doing?

Silence. Well, it’s not my fault if they can’t speak up.

I’m speaking up for them. Making comments and jokes like this are unacceptable, even when the person doesn’t say anything.

Do Friendship rights.

I want you to get this so there are no surprises. You must stop these comments. I know you can continue doing this when I’m not around. You can go out to your friends and tell them how stupid this conversation was. You can blow it off. If you do here are the possible consequences:

Please feel free to tell your parents about this conversation.

List the three rights that are most important to you in a relationship or friendship.

1.

2.

3.

My Relationship Rights

List three ways that someone could treat you where you would consider ending the friendship/relationship.

1.

2.

3.

My Deal Breakers

http://www.youthvoiceproject.com/

South Park “Kyle Has No Friends”and “Breast Cancer Show Ever”

Pew Internet and American Life Project.

School Climate 2.0 Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja, Corwin Press 2012

Who’s Doing Great Work?

Network Centrality, Gender Segregation, and Aggression, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, American Sociology Review February 2011

Social Networks and Aggression at the Wheatley School, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, Department of Sociology, University of California at Davis September 2011

Danah Boyd

Reality is Broken: Why Games Makes Us Better and How They Can Change the World: Jane McGonigal, Penguin 2011

Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do? Michael Sandel, Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2009

Want to Reach Me?Email: rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com

Phone: 202.545.0633

Web: rosalindwiseman.com

Facebook: Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and join my Page

YouTube: Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and subscribe to RPWinc Channel

Twitter: www.twitter.com/rosalindwiseman

Special discount for Owning Up curricula! 25% off

Researchpress.com Code D342

05/16/11 Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

56% of students were involved in aggression and victimization. Kids don’t fall into stable roles of bully and victim.

There were equivalent rates of aggression among boys (43%) and girls (42%). However, girls were significantly more likely to be harassed than boys (27%) and have more attackers.

Aggression is most frequent within rather than across racial groups.

Aggression and Social Networks

Qualities I’m looking for in an ally include:

1. opinionated but not judgmental

2. honest

3. reliable

Finding My Ally

My top 3 choices for an ally are:

1.

2.

3.

Finding My Ally

Social Aggression

Family structure and parent occupation do not significantly effect either aggression or victimization.

Students intervened in 23% of incidents (highest being with younger students).

19% were reported to adults.

88% of teens have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on a social networking site.

13% had felt nervous about going to school the next day.

8% had gotten into a physical fight with someone because of something that happened on a social networking site.

51% of girls sought advice; 20% of boys did.

Teens, Kindness, and Cruelty, and Social Network Sites, Pew Research Center, 2011

Technology and Aggression

Teens and Privacy

62% of teens say that they set their profile to private so that only their friends can see their posts.

67% of on-line 17 years olds say that they have withheld content that may hurt their reputation.

They go over your head

Thank you for meeting with me. I know that you already spoke to (Y supervisor). I want to talk to you about X but I also think it’s important to discuss the reason you didn’t feel comfortable or that it would be ineffective to talk to me. What would you like to discuss first?

Possible responses: Mike has repeatedly told you X and you aren’t doing anything about it.

As Mike’s counselor/teacher I want to do my best for him. This is my understanding of what has happened so far…

Are you saying that it’s my child’s fault…

No, I’m not. I’m telling you what I know about the situation so we can work together to solve the problem.

05/16/11 Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

ExplainExplain: Gabby, We used to sit together all the time. But when the other girls are: Gabby, We used to sit together all the time. But when the other girls are

there, you say inside jokes and you roll your eyes whenever I say anything. If I eatthere, you say inside jokes and you roll your eyes whenever I say anything. If I eat

with you I don’t want you to make me feel like you don’t want me there.”with you I don’t want you to make me feel like you don’t want me there.”

““I knew you were going to be so dramatic about this! You’re the one who’s sittingI knew you were going to be so dramatic about this! You’re the one who’s sitting

with us! It’s not like anyone’s forcing you!”with us! It’s not like anyone’s forcing you!”

AffirmAffirm: “I realize I haven’t been giving you a lot of space and we don’t have to be: “I realize I haven’t been giving you a lot of space and we don’t have to be

friends like we used to. But I don’t want you to keep me guessing how you’re goingfriends like we used to. But I don’t want you to keep me guessing how you’re going

to treat me every day. to treat me every day.

Fine! I’m sorry! Now will you drop this?Fine! I’m sorry! Now will you drop this?

Lock (vacation)Lock (vacation): No, because the way you just said sorry came across like you : No, because the way you just said sorry came across like you didn’t mean it. So I’m not going to sit with you for awhile but if you ever want to didn’t mean it. So I’m not going to sit with you for awhile but if you ever want to talk to me about this, let me know.talk to me about this, let me know.