discipline strategies for adhd children

8/12/2019 Discipline Strategies for Adhd Children

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50 Smart Discipline Tips for Your ADHD Child >> ADDitude 1

From ADD itude s Experts

BestDisciplineStrategies for

ADHD Children


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SCIENTIFIC ADVISORY BOARD

CHAIRMAN: Larry Silver, M.D.

Georgetown UniversityMedical SchoolWashington, DC

Russell Barkley, Ph.D.Medical University of

South CarolinaCharleston, SC

Carol Brady, Ph.D.Baylor College of MedicineHouston, TX

Thomas E. Brown, Ph.D.Yale University

School of MedicineNew Haven, CT

William Dodson, M.D.ADHD Treatment Center

Denver, COEdward M. Hallowell, M.D.

The Hallowell CenterSudbury, MA

Peter Jaksa, Ph.D.ADD Centers of

AmericaChicago, IL

Peter Jensen, M.D.Columbia University Collegeof Physicians and Surgeons

New York, NYHarold Koplewicz, M.D.

New York UniversityMedical SchoolNew York, NY

Michele Novotni, Ph.D.Wayne Counseling Center

Wayne, PAPatricia Quinn, M.D.

National Center for GenderIssues and AD/HDWashington, DC

Timothy Wilens, M.D.Harvard Medical School

Boston, MA

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By ADDitude s Experts

Y ouve told your child to pick up his dirty clothes from the bedroom oor. Not a single sock has been put inthe hamper. Did he not hear youor did he ignore you? Annoyed, you shout and, worse, feel yourself get-ting angry and nearing a power struggle. Then come the threatsno TV for a week, no friends visiting for amonth, and whatever else you can think of in your fury.

The incident costs everyone dearly: Your child feels angry and demoralized, and you feel like anything but a lov-ing parent. And for what? A pile of clothes in need of a washing machine.

All parents want their children to be happy and well adjusted. But parents also want them to be respectful andobedient. Of course, kidsparticularly children with ADHDhave their own ideas. Rather than do whats askedof them, children with ADHD ignore their homework, torment their siblings, and forget to feed the dog. They leave wet towels on the bathroom oor and dump Lego in the living room. They talk back, whine, sulk, or otherwise mis- behave. Each day brings fresh chaosand occasions for a parents discipline.

Parenting experts have devised all manner of discipline techniques. Here you will nd 50 of the best.

50 Smart Discipline Tipsfor Your ADHD Child


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1. Figure out a better way.Turn discipline momentsinto learning opportunities.Remind your child that we allmake mistakes, then invitehim to brainstorm better waysto deal with a similar tempta-tion or stress in the future.Listen to his ideas and valuehis input. It shouldnt just be your way or the highway.2. Discuss why itswrong.Make sure your child under-stands how his actionorinactionhas hurt someoneor goes against the grain of your expectation. Then ask

him if he thinks it would bea good idea to apologize,suggesting that he wouldprobably want the samecourtesy extended to him ifhis feelings had been hurt.3. Be reasonable when grounding your child.If your child or teen abuses aprivilege, remove the privi-legebriey. Depriving ateen access to the cell phonefor a month because sheexceeded the plans callingminutes is overkill. She is your daughter after all, nota criminal. Withdrawing theprivilege for a short timeand allowing your teen toearn it back by developing acredible game plan for notabusing the privilege nexttimeteaches the neces-sary lesson.4. Try countinga tip from 1-2-3 Magic .Each time your child doessomething he shouldnt,hold up one nger andquietly say, Thats one.If the behavior continues,raise two ngers and say,Thats two. If the childstill ignores your request,

raise three ngers and say,Thats three. Take ve.The child then goes (or isescorted) to a ve-minutetime-out in his room.If your child wont budge,remove yourself from theroom: Take a brisk walkaround the house, read afew pages of a book, lock yourself in the bathroom but no talking to your child,even if he tries to follow you! Thats it. You dontshout or cajole or explain.Its clear to your child thathe has a choice: He canshape up at once or suffer aconsequence.

Once the time-out is over,do not rehash the episode orlecture your child about it.Its over.5. Fight the urge toover-parent.Parents often fall into a pat-tern of needless correction,supervision, or disciplinarycommentarythings likeTie your shoes! or Put on

your coat! or Chew moreslowly. Despite your goodintentions, comments likethese irritate and demean your childand undermineher ability to take care ofherself. There are times when staying out of prob-lems is the best thing. Letthe big, bad world teach thechild what works and whatdoesnt.6. Look for opportunitiesto offer praise.Good job on the spellingtest, Amy! or You cleaned your room up beautifully! And I didnt even have toremind you. Wow! or Yougot ready for school so fasttoday! Ideally, you shouldpraise your child about

four times more than youcriticize her. Show, by your words and actions, that you believe your child can man-age himselfand he prob-ably will. Discipline should become less of a problem.7. Say it a couple of ways.Different kids respond todirection in different ways. When giving your child atasksuch as putting hergames awaystate it two ways. Say, Id like you tostop leaving your games allover your room. You paidgood money for them, and you want to take care of

them, right? Then state thesame request in a positive way: Please put your gamesaway. Chances are, she willget the message.8. Schedule pit stops.Racecar drivers periodicallypull their cars into the pit to change tires, add fuel, andtalk over race strategy withthe pit crew. Do the same with your child when thingsget tense and you feel theurge to yell. Tell her you wantto have a pit stopa privateconversation in a quiet areaof the home where nobody will interruptor, better yet,at her favorite coffee place.Scheduling pit stops cuts offan ugly exchange that you will regret later.9. Encourage a redo.

When your child screwsup, patiently reenact thesituationdoing it the right way. If your child spills aglass of soda while clowningaround at the table, have her wipe up the mess and pouranother glass. Then ask herto place the glass in a betterlocation on the table and beon her best behavior.

10. Take a moment.Count to 10 before opening your mouth; it will short-circuit a great deal of verbalnastiness.11. Strengthen the bond.

The best discipline combinesa rm expectation of howto behave or act, along with basic respect for the worthand dignity of your child.Bedtime tuck-ins, listeningto her concerns, empathizing with her feelings, and de-fending your child when nec-essary all show that you aremore than a drill sergeant. Youre a loving parent.

12. Reaffirm your love. Always tell your child, nomatter what shes done, howmuch you love her. Love andleadership are the twin func-tions of effective parentingso make it clear that disciplin-ing her doesnt diminish youraffection for her.13. Use routine to short-circuit power struggles.Sometimes parents and kidsget into a pattern in whichdaily tasks and responsi- bilities turn into battles. Inmost cases, the child even-tually complies, but the con-ict leaves everyone upsetand emotionally burnt out.Set up routines to help chil-dren get through daily tasksassociated with schoolworkand family life. For example,parents must establishand enforcecalmly butrmlyregular study timesfor each child. It may take weeks until the child acceptsthese routines and followsthem consistently.14. Impose conse-quences right away. Whether its withholdingtelevision privileges, refus-
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Ultimately, if you want your rules to be followed,enforce them consistently.That means not forgettingabout them or occasionallysuspending them because you feel guilty or because your child (or spouse) pres-sures you to do so. If youmake empty threats, youresacricing your credibil-ity and undermining yourauthority as a parent.17. Disciplining an over-reactive child. Although most children mayprotest a bit about being dis-ciplined, kids with ADHD may

react with intense indigna-tion and anger. Keep in mindthat chronic overreaction todisciplineparticularly whenintense feelings of anger orfrustration is involvedmaynot be the result of ADHD. Isthe child overreacting becauseshe feels criticized? Unloved?Inadequate? Helpless? Over- whelmed? Are your expecta-tions unrealistically high? In

some cases chronic anger mayindicate childhood depres-sion or bipolar disorder.18. Does your child tune you out?Do a self-check. Have you become too negative orcritical toward your child?Do you focus too much onproblems and not enoughon solutions? Has conversa-

tion turned into a series oflectures, instead of give-and-take? No matter what yourchilds age, it can be helpfulto involve him in the processof establishing the householdrules and setting conse-quences for breaking them. Achild who feels included in themaking of family rules will bemore likely to respect them.

19. Say no, in a calm,matter-of-fact tone. When a child wants a secondice cream cone and keeps whining, dont say, Why do you always have to whine? You tell your child that youare weak and vulnerable.To the child, it seems thatthere is a chance of get-

ting what he wants if hepushes. Kids hear No andMaybe at the same time.Instead, parents of ADHDchildren should say no inan unemotional, at tone.Say, Its not happening.No lecture, no explanation.This tells your child, Youcan count on me, because Idont change my mind. Youcan ask 7,000 times and theanswer will still be no.20. Put out the emotionalre. What happens if your calmno sets off a meltdown? Whining didnt work, sonow its time to embarrass you at the burger place with a full-blown tempertantrum. Take this oppor-

tunity to remind your childthat he doesnt get to choose your reactions. You do. Eventhough you feel embar-rassed, frustrated, and re-sentful, you are not going tomatch the childs screaming with your own. Yelling willescalate the confrontation.Instead, assume a calm pos-ture. Sit down, cross yourlegs. Color with crayons andask your child to help. Pull your child into an activity with you. Being calm saysthat you are in control of thesituation not him.21. Use the same basicsentence structure whenissuing a command.For example, Justin, youneed to turn off the televi-

sion or Justin, you needto put your shoes in yourcloset. When parents dothis consistently, the childsoon realizes that anytimehe hears his name followed by you need to, he mustcomply. If he does, he earnsone point toward somereward. If the child doesntcomply, he faces a negative

ing to let your child attenda party, or something else,consequences work best when they are imposed assoon as possible followingan infraction of the rules.The severity of consequenc-es should t the crime.Overly harsh consequences will encourage your child toresent the rules and your au-thorityand generate moreanger and rebelliousness.15. Deal with dishonesty.For children with ADHD,lying is often a copingmechanism. A lie may be a way to cover up forgetful-

ness, to avoid criticism orpunishment, or to avoiddealing with feelings of guiltand shame over repeatedfailures. The rst step indealing with chronic dishon-esty is to nd the reasonsthat underlie it. If your childlies to avoid consequencesfor irresponsible behavior, you must monitor those behaviors more closely and

discipline any act of decep-tion. If he lies in order tocover up failure and shame,encourage your child to behonestand provide appro-priate help so that your childcan overcome whatever hesstruggling with.16. Get your child totake you seriously.There could be any num-

ber of reasons why a childfails to respect you or yourrules. Are the rules clear?Important rules need to be put in writing. Does thechild refuse to accept therules because she consid-ers them unfair? In thatcase, the childs objections,and the parents reasons, warrant further discussion.


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consequence. Typically, thisis a time-out, or, for olderkids, the loss of privileges.22. Make sure thetime-out is appropriate.No more than 60 secondsfor each year of the childsagefor example, veminutes for a ve-year-old.Often, 30 seconds for each year makes better sense. Theimportant thing is not howlong the time-out lastsitsshowing the child that you,the parent, are in control andthat you can interrupt theinappropriate behavior andgain compliance.

23. Find ways to limithaving to discipline achild. So-called inappropriate behavior isnt always inap-propriate; its inappropriatefor a particular time and place.Children need to expressthemselves, and parents needto make it possible for themto do so. If your child needsto roughhouse, for example, you might keep a punching bag in a certain room. If yourchild enjoys dismantling ap-pliances, it probably wont work to tell him not to.Instead, give him a box of old vacuum cleaners or toasters,and designate a room or space where he can take them apart.24. Dealing with yellingand cursing.

Sit down with a child duringa calm time and say, I knowa lot of things are going toupset you, but right now youre doing things thatcant be done in the house.So lets gure out things youcan do when youre mad. Well, maybe some name-calling is acceptable. All kidsget angry with their parents,

and ADHD kids are moreprone to anger and frustra-tion than other children.So it makes no sense to tell your child not to get angry with you. Instead, help himnd acceptable ways toexpress anger.25. Negotiate incen-tives with your child.Children with ADHD areslow to learn how to tailortheir words and actions totheir environment. Onegood way to provide help isthrough a program of incen-tives or rewards. For everyhour that a child doesnt

call people bad names, heearned points toward a reward. Parents can sit down with their child and makeup reward coupons. Thecoupons are for somethingthe child loves to dostayup late on a weekend night,eat pizza, earn $5. The pointis to motivate the child tolearn self-control.26. Give your childconcrete jobs to do.Instead of telling your childto stop misbehaving, tellhim what to do. Giving him aspecic job, and an opportu-nity to be helpful, alleviateshis anxiety. If youre in a fastfood restaurant, say, Billy,do me a favor and save us atable by a window. Sally,could you get seven packetsof ketchup, eight napkins,and four straws? Then givepraise for a job well done. ADHD kids like to help.Enlist them.27. Start discipline early.The longer you wait, themore the child has tounlearn. Provide consis-tent boundaries as early aspossible. If you wait until

adolescence, the challenge will be much greater.28. How to work withteens who lose things.Teens and middle-schoolerslose items like wallets, keys, books, glasses, and papers.These mishaps lead to panicand guilt, which can makethe teen defensive. Themore a parent blames a teenfor not caring about histhings, the less likely he is tolisten to parental advice.To avoid this chain ofevents, wait until thingsare calm and friendly, andoffer suggestions in a non-

accusatory manner. Say,I know you have troublending things. That must be frustrating. I have a fewideas that might help, if you would like to try them.Suggest organizing thethings he loses most often.Hammer a nail in the wall, or buy a fancy key holder, so hecan practice putting his keysthere every time he comes

home.29. Give your child achoice, not a threat.Choices give your child anopportunity to solve his ownproblem. Threats createa ght-or-ight responsethat leads to withdrawal or aheated argument. Have youever heard your teen say, So what? I couldnt care less! when you threaten him? Athreat includes punishmentas one of the choices. Clean your room, or you cant usethe car. The choice is yours. A better way to say this is,You need to clean yourroom. You can do it now orafter dinner.30. Shift his attentionaway from his wants.

Have you noticed howintense we get when werefocused on the negative?Instead, shift the energy ofthe conversation towardsolving a problem. If yourchild moans about not beingable to have another cookieat the bakery, shift his atten-tion away from his desire.What about we make a big batch of cookies at hometomorrow? Do you think youguys could get your homework done tomorrow intime to bake chocolate chipcookies? Who wants to stirthe mix and lick the spoon?

31. Test differentdiscipline approaches. Walk the line between beingtoo strict and too lenient. Useproblem-solving and negotia-tion to give your child inputand responsibility. Try a strat-egy, evaluate, and redesign asneeded.32. Dont talk too much.Let emotions calm down before speaking with yourteen. Always listen morethan you speak.33. Communicate with your partner or spouse.Parents should be on thesame discipline page, andeach should support theother. This stops the teenpitting parents against eachother.34. Plan ahead.Know which issues mattermost and are non-negotia- ble. Discuss them and yourexpectationsand havepreset consequences.35. Ill think about it.If your child says he has to buy a toy right after school,these four little words movethe discussion from the
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