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Divorce Therapy: Helping Families Separate and ReorganizeGreater Washington Society for Clinical Social Work

Jonah Green, MSWFebruary 20, 2009

Topics: The Why and What of Divorce Therapy How Divorce Therapy Happens A Brief History of Divorce and Divorce Therapy The Impact of Divorce Impasses of Divorce Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy Stage I: Managing Pre-Separation Crises Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I Facilitating Uncoupling, Part II: A Quick Legal Primer Stage III: Building a new organization: the sibling relationship Stage IV: Building a new organization Towards Co-Parenting Stage V: Strengthening Individual Households Special Problems: Arresting Disengagement by Parents Special Problems: Combating Parental Alienation Special Problems: Addressing the Abuse Issue One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Adults One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Children Towards the Future

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The Why and What of Divorce Therapy

-Why: How the separation and divorce occurs tends to set the stage for future family functioning

-Families have several tasks: dealing with grief, reorganization, finding new ways of communicating, making new goals with new relationships. Without help, there are typical impasses.

-What: Treatment which aims to move the family through a process which recovers, restores and reconfigures family relationships and the functions of parent, child, sibling

-You are helping families reorganize into a functional “two-home family”. Some peoples’ ways of relating, levels of intimacy, degree of power, and roles may change.

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How Divorce Therapy Happens-The “Cleanest Way” is when a

couple comes after trying couples therapy asking how to divorce in a way that works for everybody

-The “Second Cleanest” is when couple comes to you asking you to focus on the child during the divorce

-Can also come out of child/family or couples work if family starts to separate

-Sometimes you can help reorient a family that is already separating

-You can also utilize the principles of divorce therapy when working with an individual adult

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A Brief History of Divorce and Divorce Therapy

-Changes which led to more divorce in the 1960s: economic mobility, the sexual revolution, more women in workforce, rise of no-fault divorce laws

-Custody over last 30 years gradually linked to qualifications, linking of custody, child support, rise of high-conflict divorce

Rise of mediation, interest in “the Good Divorce”, Montalvo’s structural approach

-Dozier’s “two-home family” approach

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The Impact of Divorce-The Family Experience (Trafford): even in

the best divorces, the effect is usually “crisis, crazy time, and recovery”. Reaction to crisis can be numbing as opposed to acting out

-The Individual Adult Experience: can be conceptualized as a mourning process (Kubler-Ross), but usually one in which people cycle through extreme emotions (Love, anger, sadness). Can be at risk for depression, substance abuse, regression/acting out. Different for leaver vs. left

-Children’s well-being is tied to how adults communicate and function, relationship with each parent, individual resources. Normal adjustment takes up to a year. Adolescents are at risk for depression, conduct and drug problems

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-Impasses of Divorce:

-Intrapsychic: stuck in hurt, fear, anger, shame, -Interactional: cross-generational alliances, extreme enmeshment, dramatic, hurtful showdowns,-External/Social: Focus on “justice” by family, lawyers, broader society

-Divorce therapy is about helping individuals and families to contain the chaos, get unstuck on focus on the needs of the whole family system

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Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy:-Keep the Focus on the whole family-- attend to

individuals and families within that context-Focus on more than one affect and

perspective—especially if one seems too prominent

-Make sure the loss is acknowledged and addressed

-Assist family members in seeing their contributions—point out “feedback loops”

-Prioritize parental communication—look for a “business relationship” as an ideal

-Work for the success of both parents—watch for the well-being of kids as a “red herring”

-Strengthen sibling and “new home” sub-systems—this may involve different roles for certain kids

-Limit influence of antagonistic groupings-Control potentially hostile encounters—break up

negative interactions-Promote equal power among ex-spouses-Support functioning—get supports, services, build

skills-Avoid triangulation—don’t deliver messages-Keep clear about your role (testimony, etc.)-Proceed in stages-Make sure the legal process is as constructive as

possible-Support gradual use of constructive social

supports

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Stage I: Managing Pre-Separation Crises

-Meet with the Spouses: focus on problem-solving, needs of children

-Modulate tension and take charge

-Meet alone with each spouse to solidify alliances

-Help spouses look at context of decision

-Bring children in if appropriate-Assess alternatives: re-

committing, staying together temporarily, marital vacations, trial separation, etc. Aim for clarity

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Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I1) -Set up guidelines for disengagement, establish

explicit rules Defining the Post-Divorce Relationship—

Guidelines for contact, roles Setting up a practical short-term parenting plan

(agree that not to be basis for custody agreement)-considerations for scheduling: children’s

developmental needs, special needs, practical needs. Avoid either too frequent transitions or too little contact with each parent-The approximation rule: the child’s life should approximate as close as possible the life before the separation

Telling the Children: Get story straight, minimize blame, tell what need to know, be emotionally available

If possible, have “less close” parent move out, as close as feasible, with rooms for children, with pictures of other parent in rooms of kids at both houses

-minimize the drama while moving out

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Uncoupling, Part II: Get Partners to take charge of the Legal Process

Frame process as finding what works for everybody instead of “justice”

Aim for expeditious and deliberate, without surprise attacksA Quick Legal Primer:

-Contested vs. uncontested divorce-aiming for separation agreement: property and custody-legal (decision-making) vs. physical custody-Parenting plans vs. custody plans

High drama:-restraining orders-orders to vacate-contempt of court-motions for injunctive relief (freezing assets)-The 95% ruleCustody evaluators, best interest attorneys andparenting coordinators tend to be appointed in high-conflict divorces

Options for Alternative Dispute Resolution Procedures

-Mediation—without lawyers, usually cheapest and most constructive, but not appropriate if there is high-conflict or power imbalance-Collaborative Law—initially more money than mediation, but may be able to contain difficult divorces-Arbitration for financial issues-The “do it yourself” divorce

Remember that even with litigated divorce it is important to remind spouses that they are in charge

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Stage III: Building a New Organization Part I:

Strengthening the Sibling Relationship

-Meet with kids as soon as possible-Offer education, clarification-Encourage balanced, “gray”

thinking-Watch for “choosing up sides”-Realize that siblings are both a

cohesive unit and part of different sub-systems—encourage adaptability

-Indications for individual work: extreme conflict between sibs, or individual disturbances

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Stage IV: Building A New Organization Part II: Setting Up Co-parenting

Setting up mechanisms of communication, identify what they will communicate about

Hold limited sessions if necessary to “put the past behind”

Cooperative Parenting for relatively amicable separations: open, frequent communication, maximum consistency

Parallel Parenting for higher conflict: communicate around emergencies, deviations from plan

Strategies for “Sporadic and Scared Fighters: Controlled, planned encounters

Strategies for “Frequent and Direct Fighters”: monologue, highlight consequences of fighting

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Stage V: Setting Up a New Organization Part III: Strengthening Individual Households

-Supporting the hierarchy: limit setting, chores, etc.

-New rituals-Strengthen particular parent-

child relationships-Look for “deputies” to take on

parenting functions-Weakening divisive coalitions:

i.e., support kid identifying with “bad parent”, support parent in being firm with kids on “their side.”

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Special Problems: Arresting Distancing and Disengagement Between Parents and Children

-Re-imposing Nurturance: ally with abdicating parent (assure of relevance), highlight child’s needs, use more nurturing parent to support process

-Re-imposing Discipline: highlight protective, caring aspect of rules to abdicating parent; challenge child/adolescent’s manipulations

-Utilize the “closer parent” in addition to abdicating parent for both of these tasks; challenge undermining: focus on parental unity

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Special Problems: Combating Parental Alienation

-80% of parents in high-conflict divorces practice some form of alienation

-Working with the allied parent: educate about dangers for child, challenge enmeshment: support in managing anxiety/loneliness, tolerate negative feelings that come with setting limits

-Working with the estranged parent: help to focus on child’s plight, encourage non-intrusive “affinity-seeking” to start

-Working with the alienated child and siblings: encourage gray thinking, individuation from allied parent, broach range of memories

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Special Problems: Addressing the Abuse Issue

(parents and children)-Take a considered approach to

assessment: look at severity, context, frequency, intention, etc., be aware of legal/emotional function of false allegations

-Remember that unless there is absolute danger, children do best with ongoing contact with parents and families do best when ex-spouses communicate

-Even with severe abuse, controls can usually be put in place for contact

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One-Person Divorce Therapy:

1) Work with Individual Adults-Aim for movement through

stages and balanced thinking-Combat paralyzing fear,

helplessness, shame, anger by focusing on the present and future and looking at context

-Help them look at their contributions to family functioning

-Generally void “uncovering” feeling work, particularly during crisis

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2) One Person Divorce Therapy:Work with Individual Children

-Indicated in case of particular disturbances, but don’t give up on family work

-Establish and maintain contact with both parents—get both signatures!

-Don’t “grill” for facts-Support “gray thinking” and respect

for both parents within context of empathy

-Encourage appropriate assertion of needs and practical coping

-Facilitate organized play; expand emotional vocabulary

-Utilize psycho-education and games, books: My Two Homes, Dinosaurs Divorce, etc.

-Focus on what they can control

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Conclusion: Consolidating Gains and Moving Towards the Future

-In summary, you are helping the family to establish clarity about the future, mourn their losses, establish stronger (and in some cases, new) sub-systems, help the ex-spouses form a new kind of alliance as co-parents and as co-leaders of a “two-home family”

-You want to make sure that parents have mechanisms to adjust communication/parenting plan as circumstances shift: kids grow, partners enter picture

-Remember, one or both parents will re-partner within 5 years. Advise parents to find new activities, friends, but move slow and recognize the complexity of the tasks involved.

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Bibliography(clinical in bold)

1) Ahrons, Constance: The Good Divorce Harper Perrenial: 1994

2) Appell, Jane Divorce Doesn’t Have to Be This Way Impact Publishers: 2006

3) Dozier, Brenda: Two Home Families: A Family Systems Approach to Divorce Therapy iUniverse Inc., 2004

4) Emery, Robert Renegotiating Family Relationships Guilford Press: 1994

5) Emery, Robert The Truth About Children and Divorce Viking Penguin: 2004

6) Gaulier, Et. Al. Defusing the High-Conflict Divorce Impact Publishers: 2007

7) Heatherington, Mavis For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered Norton: 2002

8) Isaacs, Et. Al. Therapy of the Difficult Divorce Book-Mart Press: 2000

9) Margulies, Sam Working with Divorcing Spouses Guilford Press: 2007

10) Textor, Martin The Divorce and Divorce Therapy Handbook Jason Aronson: 1989

11) Wallerstein and Blakeslee Second Chances Houghton Mifflin: 1996

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