Download - Ch06 A Adultery With Its Pabts Down
Adultery
With Its Pants Down Chapter 6
Why Society’s Classic
Approaches Are
Rigged to Fail
Classic Voodoo Cures
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt
Society begins by making false assumptions.
We got a small
mistake here –
a traffic affair.
A wake-up call
for the
uncaring
inattentive
passengers.
Looks like we
gotta look for
causes. Maybe a
careless passenger
was talking too
loud and that
rattled the driver
whose needs
were not being
met.
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt
Society jumps to conclusions by using words
that frame the issue and smuggle in bias:
◦ The faithful partner got a “wake-up call”
◦ Lets search for “causes”
◦ It was a small “mistake” that we must put
behind us quickly with forgiveness
◦ It is called a “love affair” with a “lover”
◦ A faithful spouse is just feeling rejected - not a
victim of a callous deceitful social predator
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt
The basic error is that we all act as if “the
faithful partner got a wake-up call” – all he got
was unfair hurt and a pack of false blame – do
rape victims get a “wake up call” too?
Actually the cheater got the wake-up call
when busted
◦ His delusion of being able to successfully
manipulate and lie has crashed down
◦ His self-absorbed conniving program of leading two
lives has crashed
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt
But we are hypocrites and immediately set up
a the fruitless search for causes which quickly
turns into a search for reasons that are
excuses and place blame against the victim
We make the victim use words that are sugary
or self-blaming and grossly in error
We want to use these nice words too no
matter what twist of a knife and gagging they
give to the victim
We are doomed if we use names that help the cover up
Let’s Use Real Names
The OP or Outside Person, Betrayal
Buddy, Home Wrecker (not “lover”)
The CP or Cheating Partner, Predator
The FP or Faithful Partner
Puke at all the false names of Hollywood
◦ Love Affair = Cheating, Betrayal, Spouse-
Dumping
◦ Jealous = watchful, now alert
We are doomed if we use names that help the cover up
Let’s Use Real Names
He is having a love affair, he has a lover
He has turned on his family, he is off visiting with his betrayal buddy instead
He is betraying his faithful family and is screwing around again
He is unfaithful and deliberately causing pain and anguish to his loving wife
He is turned against his family so he can go cavorting and sneak off with an outsider
Let’s Use Real Facts
Both parties are responsible for the cheating
The choice was made by the cheater
No input from the faithful partner – the cheater schemed and was adept at hiding it in fact
Whatever the prior extraneous circumstances, nothing there inexorably leads to cheating as a “solution”
He became an unsupportive pestering nitpicking fault-finder and stopped trying to solve issues, clawing at the relationship
When busted, the cheater just got meaner
Doomed Start ... Doomed Cure
Society begins by misstating the problem, then
comes up with a doomed cure.
There’s a way
in counselling
to make those
passengers pay
more
attention.
They gotta get over this
affair and move on –
start by forgiving the bus
company and drunk bus
driver, then take anger
management. Ask the
driver what they did
wrong and make the
changes that he suggests.
Face up to their part in
not meeting his needs.
Yup. The vindictive failed passengers are
starting to discuss a just settlement.
They are still bitter and unforgiving.
The Classic Cure
No More Ugly Talk
Search for Reasons
Don’t Be Judgemental
Accept Shared Responsibility
No Bitterness
Stop Jealousy
Accept Word of
Confessing Cheater
Reconcile Welcome
and Protect
Forgiveness only way to Heal
Get Marriage Counselling
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good
Healing Menu
√ Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill
Will
√ Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why
√ Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good
Healing Menu
√ Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will
√ Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why
√ Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative
√ Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility
√ Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good
Healing Menu
√ Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will
√ Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why
√ Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative
√ Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility
√ Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness
√ Stop Jealousy and Mistrust
√ Accept the Confessing Spouse
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good
Healing Menu
√ Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will
√ Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why
√ Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative
√ Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility
√ Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness
√ Stop Jealousy and Mistrust
√ Accept the Confessing Spouse
√ Protect The Adulterer From a Vindictive Spouse
√ Heal through Forgiveness - The Only Way Out
√ Get Marriage Counselling
Why Does This Not Work?
1. It’s Just Loaded Words that Feel Good
◦ In practice, they mean quite different things to
each person
◦ They carry a load of baggage and harm
Jealousy – Wary? Bullying? Envy? Watchful? Protective?
Forgiveness – Forget? Reconciliation? Response to Remorse?
If we don’t clarify, we are not really saying anything
concrete. We are just using very slippery and
empty code words.
Why Does This Not Work?
2. It gives the mike to happy talk and to
the Cheater (CP)
◦ And gags the faithful partner (FP)
3. All the agenda becomes one-sided very
fast – after all ... It’s all about ... What is
the FP doing to answer the wake-up
call? If we use the Classic Adultery Cure, we quickly
place all the burden on the FP, and let the CP start
making demands again.
It Does Not Work Because
It Is Really Something Else
All the feel-good names of the “cures”
need to be translated from psycho-babble
into plain talk
Here’s what the Classic Adultery Cure
really is when you strip off the psych
jargon and code words ...
Remember The Classic Cure?
No More Ugly Talk
Search for Reasons
Don’t Be Judgemental
Accept Shared Responsibility
No Bitterness
Stop Jealousy
Accept Word of
Confessing Cheater
Reconcile Welcome
and Protect
Forgiveness only way to Heal
Get Marriage Counselling
The Classic Cure
Unmasked
No More Reality Talk
Search for Excuses
Don’t Be Just
Delusions of Shared Responsibility
Issue a Free Pass for Adulterer
Do Not Admit Harm
Smear Spouse as Jealous
Accept Word of
Lying Cheater Take Sides with Cheater
Blame the Faithful Spouse
Quick Forgiveness or Else
Casting Call for
Marriage Clownselling’s
Drama Queen
The One-Size Adultery Prescription
Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut
Up
Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug
Rage
Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√ Let the Lies Go Rolling Along Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
The One-Size Adultery Prescription
Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√ Let the Lies Go Rolling Along Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
√ Join In And Kick the Prey It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive
It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known
It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
√ Forgiveness Needed Right
Now
Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it –
Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater
The One-Size Adultery Prescription
Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√ Let the Lies Go Rolling Along Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
√ Join In And Kick the Prey It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive
It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known
It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
√ Forgiveness Needed Right Now Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it –
Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater
√ Hate that Jealousy Because it’s hateful to be jealous, but not hateful to throw
around the false accusation of jealousy
√ Any Confession Will Do Take it at face value – a lying face is just as good
The One-Size Adultery Prescription
Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√ Let the Lies Go Rolling Along Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
√ Join In And Kick the Prey It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive
It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known
It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
√ Forgiveness Needed Right Now Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it –
Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater
√ Hate that Jealousy Because it’s hateful to be jealous, but not hateful to throw
around the false accusation of jealousy
√ Any Confession Will Do Take it at face value – a lying face is just as good
√ Be Like Jesus and The
Adulterous Woman – Misquoted
to Take sides
Excerpts from the faith stories to accept the faithless -
as if they confessed & repented - Go and sin some more
√ Do Christian-like Forgiveness Pressure and Blame the FP to unconditionally drop his
blame – as well as his security and common sense
√ Get Marriage Counselling A Stage Play for Cheaters – (The Envelope Please)
MESSAGE TO THE FAITHFUL PARTNER:
CHILL DOWN, SHUT UP, PISS OFF
Cheaters Rule!! Yeah!!
Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
Instead of fairness and compassion, society takes sides
on a tilted table with a crooked cue and wobbly billiard balls
The Doomed Ways
Knowing that this harm is driven by secrecy and
lies, we still insist that the injured party
shuts up and talk in code and use self-
blaming words (The Hush-hush
Conspiracy)
We use false sugary words for acts of harm
We use no-fault words for acts of one party
We pretend that half-truths are not lies
We let the predator blame the prey
The Doomed Ways
We frame the issues as in a biased pro-adultery Hollywood plot. With this set of lies we line up with the oppressor. This causes additional needless:
◦ Hurt: We give a fresh twist of the knife to the prey with our words
◦ Shock: We disempower and gag the prey
◦ Alienation: denying fairness, withdrawing protection and withholding justice for the prey
We Flee From Facts of The Issue
We frame the issues as in a biased pro-adultery Hollywood plot. With this set of lies we line up with the oppressor. This causes additional needless:
◦ Hurt: We give a fresh twist of the knife to the prey with our words
◦ Shock: We disempower and gag the prey
◦ Alienation: denying fairness, withdrawing protection and withholding justice for the prey
Our Upside-Down World
The target of the predator is its prey, but we never call it that
Predators include rapists, con artists, thieves, scam makers, sadists, adulterers, and muggers
We would be nuts to tell a mugging victim to be more understanding, don’t use blunt language, get over it, let the mugger run loose, make changes, learn from the mugger, take anger management to relate better to muggers, and that she was a “failed” urban traveller
But a predatory adulterer appreciates your selling out by telling that bull-roar to his prey
The Core of
All The Doomed Ways The target of the predator is its prey, but we
never call it that
Predators include rapists, con artists, thieves, scam makers, sadists, adulterers, and muggers
We would be nuts to tell a mugging victim to be more understanding, don’t use blunt language, get over it, let the mugger run loose, make changes, learn from the mugger, take anger management to relate better to muggers, and that she was a “failed” urban traveller
But a predatory adulterer appreciates your selling out by telling that bull-roar to his prey
Our solution - Gag that F#*@%g FP
The real appalling outcome – disrespecting & disarming the victim
Our social culture and psychology industry like to avoid or “resolve” the unpleasant
We applaud The Charmer predator CP ◦ The glib well-rehearsed CP is pleasant, socially active,
and trades in psycho-babble niceties
We put down The Spoil Sport prey FP ◦ The dark morose FP is not joyful to start with
◦ To make it worse for us, the FP brings up unpleasant topics and uses ugly words
So ...We make the FP shut up about the CP betrayal and manipulation (and kanoodling around), or at least use a nice approved word like “has a lover”
Okay everybody - Time out
It’s that kind of “ostrich” thinking that helps enable cheaters to do the damage they do. After all, what is more disgusting?
◦ The mere words
◦ The same acts and more - repeated deliberate acts taken in harm, betrayal and stealth , with devastating consequences quickly laughed off
Decency and fairness would stop you from “playing along” with your tut-tut disapproval of words alone
Why blame the FP just for choice of language?
While giving sympathy and a free pass to the CP for the much more blameworthy REAL acts
There Are Thousands of Ways To
Look The Other Way in Cheat City
When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films
◦ At Home with a family, In counselling
◦ At Work
Never
When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”?
Probably every week ... Or every day.
?
?
There Are Thousands of Ways To
Look The Other Way in Cheat City
When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films
◦ At Home with a family
◦ At Work
When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”?
Never or almost never
?
There Are Thousands of Ways To
Look The Other Way in Cheat City
When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films
◦ At Home with a family
◦ At Work
When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”?
Never or almost never
Probably every week ... Or every day
Hush Hush, Sweet People
What other socially pervasive topic is so skewed and taboo** that we are afraid to speak of it bluntly?
** That’s a bit like screwed and tattooed
Hush Hush, Sweet People
What other socially pervasive topic is so skewed and taboo** that we are afraid to speak of it bluntly?
None
** That’s a bit like screwed and tattooed
How To Make The Faithful Partner
Shut Up It starts by looking the other way and using biased
words
If the faithful partner doesn’t use the nice words, just throw these painful sanctimonious preachy accusations at a devastated person in real pain: ◦ Do I detect a small note of self-pity here?
◦ Face it, you failed to meet his needs
◦ You didn’t know about it? That shows how shallow you relationship always was. So you drove him to it.
◦ It does no good being (= You are) bitter and judgemental
◦ Move on already. Get over it. (= You are obsessing)
◦ It is makes it worse to be (= You are) Jealous
◦ You have to forgive or you are blocking recovery and damaging everybody’s future (= You are unforgiving, hateful and stubborn)
Hush Hush, Sweet People
What other socially insidious topic is so screwed up that our first instinct is to push at and blame the victim so quickly and callously? None
** That’s a lot like plucked and abandoned
PUT UP WITH
CHEATER’S
CHUTZPAH AND
VICIOUS DRUG RAGE
Let the Cheater Express His Reasons After all, It’s Only the Faithful Partner that Should Shut Up
Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
Visit the Hot Spots in Cheat City
The cheater is all about lies, rage, pain and chutzpah
You buy the flimsiest excuse for a callous predator who creates personal harm
You look the other way
The price: ◦ you are intimidated to tell it like it is
◦ you even alter your thinking to accommodate deliberated repeated harm as a “private matter”
◦ you use nice words to describe the intolerable
Secret Drug Stash in Cheat City
What always happens when you
try to take a drug away
from a substance abuser?
And what is the drug of choice in Cheat City? NOT companionship per se
It’s just a form of self-catering with sex definitely on the menu
Denial ... Rage ... Lies... False Promises...
Blame... Dodging with Excuses...
Proclaiming one’s right to do so ...
Reprisals ... More rage
Map of
Cheat City
Transparent Lies
Nonsense and Irrational Dodges
Exaggerated Cruel Excuses
Wicked False Blame
Self-Absorbed Indulgence
Cruel Pestering
Dumb Excuses
Hypocritical Preaching More Lies
Evasive Answers
Recruiting Idiot Allies
And the drug of choice: NOT companionship per se
self-catering with sex definitely on the menu
Callous and Oblivious
Broken Compassion
There Are Thousands of Lying
Hypocrisies in Cheat City
Let’s just cover some of the more exotic
ones here
Full list available on request
The one I like best is “You’re just jealous. The
condom got into the car when it was being
serviced.”
Come again? What was being serviced?
“Clueless Cold Denial”
The FP gets to hear, right after hearing a ton of lies, evasions, dissemblance, and stories that fail the smell test
◦ CP says: I have never lied to you
◦ CP says: You are the crazy one that is imagining things ◦
CP manufactures instant excuses and stories. They backtrack & make new spin to almost fit new facts as soon as they are caught in old lies
... Even right after they have just been shown evidence
This cold manipulation may be the cheater engaging in behaviours that properly belong to a Personality Disorder (such as Borderline, Narcissism or Compulsive Lying) ... ... ... or maybe just a tormenting cheater protecting the self and the OP from shame they know they feel
Chutzpah Academy Award Time
Recruit The OP Spouse CP expresses need to leave home to “think things
through” (all along blaming the magnified faults attributed to FP as abuse and coldness)
Here’s one true scenario that beggars belief
◦ What irony, it’s the OP’s spouse that drives by to pick up the CP, and provide shelter from the FP
◦ The CP gets to stay for weeks in the same house as the OP and the OP’s spouse and under that family roof gets better chances to kanoodle ** the OP
◦ Then CP goes there to bad-mouth the FP and set the stage for sympathy ** This is a euphemism. The real term is much shorter.
World-class Chutzpah
The Pester and Evade Campaign After all this, crap is dished out day after day ◦ CP pokes away at FP and pesters FP as if the FP still has a full partnership obligation to be
happy and fully contributing to make CP’s life ever better
◦ CP preaches about morality and how some people are too judgemental
◦ CP draws in deluded allies - church friends and family to urge FP to be a better spouse and be more friendly
◦ CP keeps lying, then blames FP for not being a good listener (honestly, isn’t this a choice irony)
◦ CP evades topic that FP needs disclosure on, then holds self as a great listener
Sleep ... Or lack of
Of course, worry and the campaign of lies, pestering, and crazy-making takes a toll on FP’s energy level and sleep
But lack of sleep has another source
When police jail suspects ◦ The guilty sleep better (no longer worrying about being caught)
◦ The innocent can’t sleep (first time shock of being accused of something you did not do and trying to exonerate self)
Likewise, when the cheating is exposed ◦ The guilty sleep better (no longer worrying about being caught)
◦ The innocent can’t sleep (first time shock of being pulled into a house of horrors, and ongoing attempts to do anything to extricate self from it)
Blame ... Or Hypocrisy
Of course, CP’s campaign of lies, pestering, table-turning and crazy-making is sheer pinning blame, and false blame at that
But wait till the FP names the real acts that CP has done, like deceit and manipulation
Get out the crocodile hankies, The CP goes on a “poor me being blamed” binge and accuses the FP of “always blaming me – no wonder I don’t love you any more” Bwa Bwa Bwa
Cheater’s Topsy-Turvy Fury
Is like the Rage of an Addict
To the FP, cheating is the problem,
and he/she is frantic to solve it.
To the CP, that idea looks plain WRONG!
To the CP, cheating is the solution,
and not the problem at all.
(just as drugs are the addict’s “solution”)
CP’s Furious Drug Rage is
Anger Directed At the FP
To the CP, anything that gets between CP and CP’s reward is road kill
This “justifies” any attack based on such twisted logic Furious, fly into rage if reward made harder to obtain
Threaten FP for trying to stop the cheating
Attack physically if need be
Threaten to call cops to restrain FP
Manipulate therapist into getting “anger management” for abusive nasty out-of-control FP
It’s all “fair” – no limits to acts or lies
THERE IS A TIME FOR TRUTH
BUT APPARENTLY A MUCH BIGGER
TIME
FOR LIES
“It all depends what you mean by “lie”. There’s no truth, just various perspectives.”
Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Let the Lies Go Rolling Along Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
Full Reward For Part Truth?
Liars’ Slippery Little Helpers
With so much lying, the FP is disoriented, and
needs a reminder that “Team Liar” has helpers
◦ Helpers like... “Serial disclosure” – revealing
only what the current evidence shows, and
filling in all the blanks with horrible
unbelievable lies – or smug evasive silence
Just enough story to almost cover the
evidence already revealed
No disclosure, not at all contrite, not willing
to stop, not at all willing to prove own
worthiness for trust
Full Reward For Part Truth?
Liars’ Slippery Little Helpers
◦The CP seems to defend these lie-
helpers easily because “they are not
really complete lies”
◦DON’T FALL FOR THAT – THESE
ARE ALL JUST LIES
Cheaters lie like an
alcoholic who has to
hide his booze.
Manipulators become
so addicted to lying they
have no second thoughts.
Many ways to manipulate your loved ones
THESE ARE ALL JUST LIES
THESE ARE ALL JUST CRAPPY LIES IN MINK COATS
◦ Evasions ◦ Part-Truths
◦ Withholding
◦ Table turning
◦ Equivocating
◦ Blame it on Insanity
◦ Past-referencing
◦ Judging sincerity
The CP just wants a reward for using part-truths while lying still
No middle ground! If you don’t come clean, you come dirty
A lie is a manipulation - that is always cruel and disrespectful
Here Is Your Lie Detector Checklist Cut It Out For Reference During All Discussions with That Lying Cheat
If you hear this, you are not getting the truth
◦ Evasions, Deflections, Dodge and Weave, story-changing
◦ Vague Part-Truths, White Lies, Protective Lies, “It was way
in the past”
◦ Withholding Key Facts, cover-up, making it difficult to follow
up, “forgetting” while recalling self-excuses in detail
◦ Table turning Questions “What are you asking?”, “What is
Truth?”, “Be specific”, “Your truth ? What about my truth”
“You are just jealous”, “What do you mean by sex?”
◦ Equivocating, placing limits on the question with false
qualifiers, “I was at Bill’s on Friday” – (yeah, amongst other
things) “I didn’t even see Sue when you said I did”
Here Is Your Lie Detector Checklist Cut It Out For Reference During All Discussions with That Lying Cheat
If you hear this, you are not getting the truth
◦ Blame it on Insanity: “You need treatment” “You are paranoid”,
◦ Past-referencing : No direct answer, just “I already told you” “Why are you asking again” “you already heard the truth”, “You just wanted to hear your version of the truth” “I don’t remember (exactly)”
◦ Judging sincerity: “You don’t really want to listen to the truth” “I already said no, you won’t listen” “Why don’t you ask what you really want to know”
◦ Dodging means not offering facts, just generalities and irrelevant details. “What issue are you talking about?” “What wrong – who was wronged?” and make you hurt to ask: “Be specific” “How do you define sex?” “What do you mean by ‘did it?’ Admit what ‘it’?”
Each Brazen Lie Is A Fresh Shock
Yes, the faithful partner actually spent years in total trust of this person
The FP is stunned to her that this trusted intimate person is so cheeky to continue with a nasty performance that make him out - not just as untrustworthy, but he cold-heartedly casts aside and wriggles out of his golden opportunity to come clean ◦ This is alarming and reinforces that the slime-bag
is willfully sabotaging any hope of reconciliation or forgiveness or even a decent truthful talk
◦ This lying shows less respect than would be given to a total stranger who asks for the time of day
Each Brazen Lie Is
A Fresh Pain Yes, the faithful partner actually spent
years in total trust of this person - this
only made it easier to manipulate deceive
and betray her as it turns out
The FP is stunned – because her love and
trust is shattered - but the back-stabbing
CP couldn’t care less
The FP is in agony – because only a
genuine but betrayed love can cause such
deep pain - but the rat couldn’t care less
Each Lie Is An Eye-opener
THAT’S RIGHT Mister Cheater, you are not the same person you were when you earned trust and had real love ◦ The FP believed in you so much and looked up to you
THAT’S RIGHT you are not even the same person you were pretending to be in order to manipulate and to deceive the FP into thinking you deserved continued trust and had real love ◦ Until you were busted, the FP believed in you so much and
looked up to you while you were cheating and betraying
Each lie reveals the new you – a rat in angel’s clothing. You have had months to get used to being a cheap cruel liar. The FP has only moments to react in horror to learn what you have really become.
The Lying Script Goes into Endless
Re-Runs This is not just a one-time act that is
retracted in the sober light of a new day,
when the CP reconsiders the huge
damage done and the true worth of the
broken-hearted FP
No. No. 1000 times no! This failed stage
play runs for weeks, months, years.
No matter what the FP says or does, the
new true rat thinks it’s okay to tell the
most rotten cruel and clumsy lies
Why All The Damn Lies?
They are caught in their own trap
They are squirming to get loose
They will do anything other than admit the plain truth to themselves about their disgusting deeds (and I don’t mean the sex)
They are so deep in lies that they can’t seem find the moral gumption to tunnel out and face reality
They are not yet ready to handle the dirty pit they have dug for themselves, and the dirty pig they have become
Their blind spot covers just about everything
You see it again and again in every case that hits the papers
The amazing part is they are stupid enough to think it fools anybody – it’s all incredible shits not even believed by half-wits
The First
Un-be-lie-va-ble Words
Out of their Lying Lips
Hugh Grant Slams Story Claiming He Paid for Sex
Tiger Woods denies cheating
Bill Clinton denies sex with Monica
Arnold Schwarzenegger denies cheating
John Edwards denies cheating, and pays aide to claim child as his
Gary Hart denies cheating, and dares the press to follow him
Eliot Spitzer denies sleeping with hooker
You next door neighbour denies cheating
Why? Are They All That Stupid?
Yup. Because they have been lying all along
They got away with it up to now – you
fell for it so far
They actually think people will fall for
their stupid lies again
Are They All That Nervy? You bet. In their minds ... They don’t owe
you – or anybody – the truth
Because third parties have covered for
them, believed, and colluded with them
Because they are above accountability
because cheaters have a “free pass”
What is Our Classic Cure for Lies?
We let them continue lying
We never call them out
We pretend that the CP “has a point” and must express his “point of view”
In fact we usually
◦ Cover for him (“he was at the office”), or
◦ Go along with him (“Maybe you should listen to when CP has to say; you may learn something”)
◦ Enter the twilight zone (“There’s no truth, just different truths”)
JOIN IN AND
KICK THE PREY
MAKE THE FP
SHARE THE BLAME
IT’S NOT LIKE IT IS JUDGEMENTAL TO DO SO
Why should the cheater have all the fun lying?
Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients
√ Join In And Kick the Prey It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive
It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known
It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
Let’s Just
“Bayonet The Injured”
Society is looking for any way not to
blame the cheater
The cheater has lots of fault-finding to
excuse himself and blame the faithful
partner
The Solution: Shift the blame - – what’s
better than to let the FP take more
blame?
Kick them when they are down and lay
blame on the wounded
Let’s Just
“Bayonet The Injured”
Do we respect the fact that a wronged
partner in a destroyed marriage is heart-
sick? And the prey of a social predator?
No. 1000 times no. We aim a verbal assault
at them to mock or minimize their anguish
◦ You should lighten up – it’s just rejection
◦ You are just feeling sorry for yourself
◦ You are being over-sensitive – suck it up
◦ You should have known if you had a real
relationship – get past it
◦ You had a failed marriage – it happens
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You Should Lighten Up” It’s “blame and bayonet the injured” time –
they say that you are getting bitter and angry (granted, clearly you are not consistently behaving cool)
Well no sh*t, Sherlock
The cheater dumps a bucket of vomit and a dirty kitty litter pan into the marital bed and you are supposed to be cool?
Always remember: You were cool before, and just look where it got you, and how much credit you got for being nice. Maybe they should lighten up now.
Who Should
Lighten Up? So, I guess it’s okay to bash the heart-broken
and tormented faithful partner
And during this, she should just lighten up? Come again?
Maybe the taunting cheerleaders should lighten up themselves and focus on protection and comfort – providing a real reason to lighten up - rather than spouting their insensitive “be happy” psychology advice lifted from delusional soap operas
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You Are Just Feeling Sorry
For Yourself” Society and the cheater are incensed that the FP
has any legitimate reason to be very unhappy (“she’s so damn morose, no wonder he looked elsewhere”)
So they forget the joyful FP whose source of joy has been vandalized in a deep personal shit-storm
◦ They feel they can mock any reaction to the damage done and now they are causing
◦ They treat it like a minor thing, and that she is being pathetic and weak
It’s not at all minor, far from it – it’s like laughing at a rape victim for having torn clothing
Who Is Really Feeling Sorry
... For Getting Caught?
Society and the cheater would like all the bad news just to go away ◦ It’s a cheap shot to demand that the preyed-upon FP
should pull up her socks
◦ It’s tries to shut the FP up – by blaming her for having any feelings about what we wickedly call “a little harmless sex”
Rather than deal with the wreckage – we play down the devastation, the harm, the deceit, and the betrayal as if we all have a secret back-room deal to cover up for the busted cheater
“Self Pity” is always an accusation – in the case of betrayal it is misplaced, callous and takes sides with cruelty. In the case of family injury, it is an intolerable and heavy-handed accusation from any person who claims to be worthy of dispensing advice.
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You’re Being Over-Sensitive”
Like, sure you are just being “over-sensitive”. That’s all it is. And it’s just a little “rejection” you should “get over”
This bullshit preachy blame smear is a more devious
version of the vile lie: Adultery is harmless.
No, NOT Over-sensitive. ◦ it is a shock worse than rape, that is detailed as 1000 injuries
in chapters 4 and 5
◦ It is a broken heart destroyed by the very one you had the most trust in
◦ It takes a lot of courage to face the pain, the marital toilet, the empty place of reassurance, the grinding loss of love, the shocking gall, and the nastiness
The Common Thread
Special Pleading For The Cheat What do all these one-sided bits of advice
(accusations) have in common?
The advisors smugly assume that they are the masters of good advice and that the victim FP has control (to stop being over-sensitive, to lighten up, etc.) and an immediate duty to exercise that control
But look: they place no such burden on that cheating predator to control himself (to stop lying, to be contrite, to stop cheating, to stop making pain and destruction)
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You Should Have Known”
It’s more “blame and bayonet the injured” spin – they
say that a trusting partner should have detected
deceit – “What kind of a relationship did you have if
you weren’t aware of what was going on?”
Who says that bull-roar? Answer: ironically it’s the
very same people who say you should NOT be
suspicious AFTER you become aware of the betrayal –
then these jerks whoop out: “You are acting jealous and
suspicious – lighten up – you are obsessed and bitter”
The only common thread to all this crap: kick them
when they are down and lay blame on the wounded
Cheater
At Work
Maybe You
Missed
The Big Signs
They Posted
By Your Bed!
More Lies – It’s Nobody’s Fault
“It Was A Failed Marriage” Society is looking for a way not to blame the
cheater – what’s better than to let you take half the blame? It’s 50/50 in a failed marriage!
Failed Marriage, my ass. It’s more no-fault spin – who would say that a city destroyed by bombs is a “failed city”?
It is worded to let the destroyer off the hook (as usual) and place the injured party in a position to take responsibility for the destruction... And feel like a failure
What is a
“Failed Marriage”? Let’s say: “No, I did not have a failed marriage. I
had a destroyed marriage. My husband failed in character and destroyed the marriage. I’m not perfect, but I was trusting and loving and contributing - that is in fact a success. The issue is that he felt he could get away with getting his wants fulfilled on the side while holding me to my side of our promise. His lies and manipulation destroyed the trust needed to make it work. His loss, of course, but it injured others around him.”
The dip-sticks who keep inflicting harm to the wounded by using this “failed marriage” spin need their heads read
What is a
“Failed Marriage”? Let’s say: “No, I did not have a failed marriage. I
had a destroyed marriage. My husband failed in character and destroyed the marriage. I’m not perfect, but I was trusting and loving and contributing - that is in fact a success. The issue is that he felt he could get away with getting his wants fulfilled on the side while holding me to my side of our promise. His lies and manipulation destroyed the trust needed to make it work. His loss, of course, but it injured others around him.”
The dip-sticks who keep inflicting harm to the wounded by using this “failed marriage” spin need their heads read
Failed Marriage
Is Like Calling a Bomb-blasted Hospital
A Failed Health Care Solution
No Fault – Whose fault?
Why, Yours, of Course
The caught cheater wants a no-fault solution, for himself
After years of finding fault against his spouse to soothe
his guilt – he has rehearsed plenty of faults
After all there must be reasons, needs were not met...
Maybe she didn’t take care of her looks!
What a shame!
She really could
have succeeded if
she’d just taken
better care of her
hygiene – ick!.
Why don’t they see
that calling it FAILED is
Just as judgemental
and Twice as cruel as
Placing the blame
where it belongs.
YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL – AND THAT’S A REAL CRIME!
Don’t be a such a big spoil-sport. Let’s all go home happy Let’s be friendly and forget the bad stuff Let’s put it all in the past – after I’ve emptied your wallet.
It’s never judgemental at all on the flimsiest of grounds
To cruelly denounce and blame victims as judgemental
And indicate that they are sick, bitter and stuck in blame.
Look at their proof: You are not yet responding with
positive tones that buy into those lame excuses of your
predator.
Judgemental! Decode That Finger Pointing Word
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Judgemental! Decode That Finger Pointing Word
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
This is their real accusation
Judgemental? What Evidence Is There?
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Examine their real accusation
Name Calling
Where are the specifics to justify any of these?
All you get is a blanket accusation “Judgemental”
used when any person is upset and seeks redress ...
Judgemental? What Evidence Is There?
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Examine their real accusation
What an emotional smear word does is
cast blame very freely ... Just toss out: “Judgemental”
And deflect ... without having to be specific and defend
the underlying accusation with specifics.
A specific charge would require evidence and perspective
instead of a smear and one-way finger pointing.
Name Calling
Judgemental? What Evidence Is There?
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Contrasted with the real situation
Name Calling
Examine their real accusation
Right to ask
for fair treatment
Actual evidence of
harm, though passed
off as a small mistake
Tormented with
torrent of lies
Judgemental? What Evidence Is There?
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Contrasted with the Cheater’s situation
Name Calling
Examine their real accusation
Claims Right to
blame FP
Exaggerated
fault picking
Denies facts
and peddles
lies
Judgemental! What They Imply
No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind
UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Every time
you are upset,
I will call you
judgemental,
and imply you
are bitter,
angry, unfair,
and have a
closed mind.
Judgemental! What They Imply
Every time
you are upset,
I will call you
judgemental,
and imply you
are bitter,
angry, unfair,
and have a
closed mind.
And I’ll
never have
to provide
specific
instances or
evidence –
just the fact
you are not
cheerful and
won’t give a
free pass to
a predator
A “Judgemental” smear usually
shows that they are picking
sides – now, that’s biased!
Is All Judging Unfair? Or is it simply inconvenient and annoying
to destructive predators
Would Decent People
Really Prefer this Alternative?
Deny Wrong
No Place
for Justice
Be Blind to
Proven Facts
Just
Look the Other Way
Let Everybody Off
Allow Street Mobs
To Dole Out Justice
It’s Judgement Day
For The Blame Word “Judgemental” If Humanity Fails To Serve Justice
We All Become Slaves To The Only Law Left:
Might and Money
“Judgemental” is Your
Shovel-Ready
Smear Word
Apparently some kinds of name calling is approved of
Pompous empathy-drained experts with a shrivelled up sense of care are actually allergic to fairness
What they mean is that you are placing value on fairness – and this gets in the way of their nicey-nicey agenda: the old “it’s just a small harmless bit of sex” excuse
Who Else Is Judgemental?
Here’s the laugh: ◦ It was never called out as judgemental for the
cheater to repeat his excuse list
◦ He just got a free pass to duck responsibility by saying those good old invented and exaggerated faults of the FP
◦ He got a free pass for his total lack of compassion, his wicked conduct and his blaming comments
But the same folks will pounce on the FP and self-righteously blame any negative word as a sign of being “wickedly” judgemental
One-Sided Special Pleading Deflection from case against CP
So They Call You Judgemental!
They Just Want To Push You Away
and Skip Any Consequences for
Their Harmful Conduct
Would you allow that brazen name-calling to
deflect and excuse any other harmful act?
Child neglect? Slavery? Rape? Cruelty to pets?
Without real judgement (fair assessment, facing facts
and yes calling out the predators)
Justice and Responsibility move into the Twilight Zone