Releasing potential through
learning and development
● ● ●
“Learning is a treasure
that follows
its owner everywhere.”
Chinese Proverb
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website
www.mikephillipstraining.co.uk
phone
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© Directory of Social Change 2018 M PhillipsCOM2INF
Communicating to Influence
The following information aims to help you understand the
course content.
It is not intended to provide detailed advice on specific points.
Legal references are not necessarily a full statement of the law.
Trainer:
Mike Phillips
Trainer, Facilitator, Consultant and Coach
Trainer, Facilitator, Consultant and Coach
Delivered on Behalf of: Directory of Social Change
Last Updated: 03/07/2018
This Handouts Pack can be made
available in accessible formats:
Please ask for details
Handouts
Pack
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© Directory of Social Change 2018 M Phillips/COM2INF
Handouts Pack Contents
ABOUT YOUR TRAINER/FACILITATOR ...................................................................................... 3
PROGRAMME .......................................................................................................................... 4
HOW TO PERSUADE AND INFLUENCE ...................................................................................... 5
AN EFFECTIVE INFLUENCER ...................................................................................................... 8
ASSUMPTIONS AND OVERCOMING THEM ............................................................................... 9
UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR: ............................................................................................. 10
TOP TIPS FOR COMMUNICATION .......................................................................................... 11
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS ......................................................................................................... 15
HOW WE COMMUNICATE: THE THREE V’S............................................................................. 16
WHAT MESSAGE ARE YOU SENDING? .................................................................................... 19
COMMUNICATION STYLES EXPLAINED .................................................................................. 22
REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEMS ............................................................................................... 27
WHY DON’T WE LISTEN? ........................................................................................................ 29
EFFECTIVE AND INEFFECTIVE LISTENING ................................................................................ 31
TOP TIPS FOR ACTIVE LISTENING ........................................................................................... 33
TOP TIPS FOR QUESTIONING SKILLS ...................................................................................... 35
GIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK ....................................................................................... 37
DO’S AND DON’TS OF GIVING FEEDBACK .............................................................................. 38
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ..................................................................................................... 40
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT .................................................................................................. 42
TYPES OF CONFLICT ............................................................................................................... 44
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES .......................................................................................... 45
CONFLICT: IS IT NEGATIVE OF POSITIVE? ............................................................................... 48
SEVEN STEPS TO HANDLING CONFLICT .................................................................................. 49
USEFUL RESOURCES ............................................................................................................... 50
STAY CONNECTED .................................................................................................................. 51
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About Your Trainer/Facilitator
Mike is a freelance trainer/facilitator/consultant/coach who is passionate about releasing potential
through learning and development.
Mike has delivered training across London, the UK and
internationally using diverse interactive training techniques
which build upon adult learning, brain-friendly and accelerated
learning principles.
Since establishing a charity in Wales in his 20s, Mike has worked mainly
in the charity sector within health and social care (including HIV, mental
health and dementia).
He has also worked in social services and local government undertaking neighbourhood renewal and
community development work.
Freelance since 2008, in addition to his own broad customer base, Mike works as an associate trainer
with Affinity Training, Blue Phoenix Communications, Directory of Social Change (DSC) and Dementia Path
Finders (formerly Dementia UK - Training).
With a varied career, Mike specialises in topics as diverse as:
▪ Management, Leadership and Team-
building
▪ Personal Effectiveness
▪ HR, Learning and Development
▪ Communication Skills
▪ Care Matters – Health and Social
Care Issues
▪ Dementia Care
▪ Working with Diversity
Qualifications/professional memberships
▪ Associate Chartered Institute of
Personnel and Development
▪ (No. 22743061)
▪ Eden Alternative Associate
▪ Belbin™ Team Roles Accredited
▪ Institute of Equality and Diversity
Practitioner
▪ Dementia Care Mapper
▪ International Association of Facilitators
Further details
Please email [email protected] for details about other course titles available.
Follow Mike Phillips Training on:
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© Directory of Social Change 2018 M Phillips/COM2INF
Programme
10:00 ▪ Welcome and Introductions
▪ Expectations and Group Agreement
▪ The Effective Influencer
▪ What makes people tick?
▪ Avoiding Assumptions
11:15 Tea Break
11:30 ▪ Building rapport
▪ Communication Styles
13:00 Lunch
13:45 ▪ Active Listening Skills and the 6 E’s of Listening
▪ Signs and Symptoms of Conflict and Handling Potential
Conflict
15:15 Tea break
15:30 ▪ Action Planning
16:30 Summary and Close
Please note that the above timings are approximate.
In respect of your fellow learners and so that we can get through the content of the
day, it would be appreciated if you would take responsibility to ensure that you return
from all breaks on time.
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How to persuade and influence
Influencing Behaviours
So, it’s all just about getting what you want?
No, but it might be about how you get what you want. Persuading and influencing is
part of our everyday communication. In our words, actions and gestures we all
consciously or sub-consciously persuade and influence. It’s about seeking positive
outcomes
Is it about influencing onions then?
Hmmm … you imagine people are just like onions with a ‘heart and soul’ in the middle
and personal layers of values, attitudes and beliefs, feelings and behaviour.
I DEMONSTRATE THAT I LISTEN BY GIVING FULL ATTENTION REFLECTING DATA REFLECTING FEELINGS SUMMARISING
I DEMONSTRATE THAT I LISTEN BY GIVING FULL ATTENTION REFLECTING DATA REFLECTING FEELINGS
SUMMARISING
I STATE WHAT I WANT OR WHAT ACTION I WANT TAKEN
I DISCLOSE PERSONAL AND WORK INFORMAITON RELEVANT TO THE CURRENT SITUATION
I SPELL OUT THE BENEFITS OF DOING WHAT I WANT AND/OR THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU NOT
MEETING MY EXPECTIONS
I FOCUS AND BUILD ON COMMON GROUND
I OPENELY EI OPENELY EXPRESS MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE CURRENT SITUATIONXPRESS MY FEELINS ABOUT THE CURRENT
SITUATION
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Can I assume then that if I know how they behave, then I
‘have their measure’?
▪ Definitely not, certain values do not equal certain behaviour. Be aware of the
following to avoid making assumptions:
Be aware people will behave differently in different situations – as
you do
Be influenced by the positive as well as the negative
Be non-judgemental.
Don’t look with favour because they are like you – or vice versa
Don’t make your mind up on first impressions
Don’t stereotype
Actively listen
So, what can I do?
▪ Acknowledge that people have different influences and therefore different
styles. Always start with the other person – their values, needs, wants,
perspectives and desires.
▪ Be consistent and congruent in putting across your message – people hate
double standards. They will see through the Ivory Tower syndrome and
where your body language belies your words.
▪ Be sure of the facts and state the facts – but do not ignore the feelings.
▪ Check for understanding – both ways.
▪ Learn and choose appropriate approaches and responses.
▪ Most importantly - if what you’re doing isn’t working, change your
approach.
So, if I do the talking and say the right things – that
should do it?
▪ Don’t be so sure. Effective listening with a considered response is a far
better guarantee. Similarly, when you are talking, be aware of how others
are listening – what are they seeing, hearing, feeling, remembering and
associating – what expectations do they have?
▪ Good listeners get listened to – because they help to build rapport.
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But really ‘difficult’ people – there’s no point in bothering
– you get nowhere!
▪ Bottom line – you can change your ways and it can be a huge factor in
helping you communicate with others - but you can’t change other
people.
▪ However, it must be acknowledged that we will all at some time meet
with people with whom we feel we will ‘never get anywhere’. What
counts is that you do what you can, you do your best and if it isn’t good
enough – let this one go – go home and kiss your partner, walk the dog,
cuddle the kids or watch Richard and Judy.
▪ Most days – for most people – our everyday people skills do just fine.
We might occasionally make mistakes or overreact or say the wrong
thing and have to say sorry later – that’s just part of being human and
fallible. But most days it’s ‘good enough’.
Top Tip - Don’t make it personal, don’t take it personally.
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An Effective Influencer
Effective influencers are flexible in their approach and
adapt their communication style to the wants and needs of
those they wish to influence.
I • Indicates the benefits of their idears
N • Neutralises resistenace, in advance
F • Finds alternative ways to influence others
L • Listens carefully to what others say
U • Uncovers wants and needs
E • Expectation
N • Notices others' responses
C • Creates and maintains rapport
E • Eliminates weak statements from their language
R • Rehearses, rehearses, rehearses
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Assumptions and Overcoming Them
Assumptions we make Ways to overcome this
▪ Accent
▪ Age
▪ Appearance
▪ Background
▪ Beliefs
▪ Body language
▪ Clothes
▪ Confidence/networking
▪ Disability
▪ Ethnicity
▪ Experience
▪ Facial expressions
▪ Family/children
▪ Feelings/mood
▪ Friends
▪ Gender
▪ Hair & make-up
▪ Hobbies
▪ How others perceive the person
▪ Music & interests
▪ Nationality
▪ Political affiliation
▪ Position at work
▪ Qualifications
▪ Race
▪ Religion
▪ Reputation
▪ Sexual orientation
▪ Single/married
▪ Tone of voice
▪ Weight
▪ What you don’t say
▪ Where you live/work/study
✓ Accept you are making
assumptions
✓ Act professionally
✓ Ask Questions
✓ Be aware of making assumptions
✓ Be aware people will behave diff in
diff situations – as you do
✓ Be influenced by positive as well
as negative
✓ Be non-judgemental
✓ Challenge your assumptions
✓ Change your reaction
✓ Check before acting on it
✓ Do not jump to conclusion
✓ Don’t look with favour because
they are like you – or vice versa
✓ Don’t make mind up on first
impressions
✓ Don’t stereotype
✓ Have an open mind
✓ Ignore your assumptions, give
space
✓ Listen actively
✓ Observe other people successful
encounters and learn their
winning strategies
✓ Take note of your situation, that
you are responding from your
own perception
✓ Understand that what you value
might be similar to what someone
else values, but the way you show
it might be different
✓ Understand your reaction is only
one possibility
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Understanding Behaviour:
What makes us Tick?
Behaviour is:
▪ A reaction to something that has happened or how we feel
▪ A reflection of what we are thinking or feeling
▪ An attempt to communicate
When we deal with other humans, it is almost as if they were an onion, consisting of
many different layers, from the biology/genetics at the core that makes each of us
unique. The layers build from the values that we develop in early childhood, through
attitudes/beliefs and feelings to the external behaviour.
The challenge in any human interaction is that often we only see the outer layer of the
onion – the behaviour – we do not necessarily see the causes that may lay ‘beneath
the surface’.
This is why when communicating with others we need to use empathy and try to
understand things from the other person’s point of view. It is important to avoid the
trap of assumptions and truly consider the ‘basis’ of the person: who they are, what
they like, how they like to communicate. We need to:
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▪ Look beyond the immediate behaviour of the person – seek out meaning
and feelings behind words and actions
Top Tips for Communication
▪ Allow the other person to finish speaking
▪ Ask questions
▪ Avoid jargon
▪ Be accurate – e.g. don’t ‘guess’ delivery dates
▪ Be aware of body language (including on the telephone!)
▪ Concentrate on what is being said – not on what you’ll say next
▪ Encourage the other person through using open questions
▪ Make the other person feel valued and special
▪ Offer a choice
▪ Share information, ideas and solutions
▪ Summarise what has been said
▪ Take notes as needed
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Understanding the Communication Process
1 •Start with a Message
2 •Transmitter encodes the message
3•Encoded Message is
Transmitted
4 •Encoded message is Received
5•Receiver
decodes the message
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Strategies for building trust and rapport
Rapport means:
▪ Getting your behaviour in harmony with others
▪ Flexibility to behave like others
▪ Not getting them to like you
We can build and develop rapport and trust with customers if we become aware of:
▪ Do they nod or shake their head?
▪ Facial expressions
▪ Hand gestures
▪ Head tipped to one side or upright
▪ Leaning forward, back or upright
▪ Legs are positioned (flat on floor, crossed)
▪ Movement in chest from breathing
▪ Position of body (square to other or sideways)
▪ Seem tense or relaxed
▪ Sitting still vs. moving body position
Techniques for Building Rapport
▪ Be empathetic to the customer’s feelings
▪ Explain your reasons for saying no, where relevant
▪ Let the customer know her or his options
▪ Say “please” and “thank you”
▪ Show your interest in the customer’s needs
▪ Use the other customer’s name
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Building Trust & Rapport
Active
listening
Accurate,
sensitive
responding
Being
fully
present
Reflecting
feelings
Demonstrating
empathy
Being
genuine
Unconditional
positive
regard
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Interpersonal Skills
Interpersonal Skills
Interpersonal skills are the verbal and non-verbal skills when communicating
with others in face-to-face situations.
Communication
Communication is the CREATING of UNDERSTANDING in the minds of others
which will lead to their being able to take action or respond. Communication
requires using our interpersonal skills in order to influence, inform, persuade
and get others to act.
Verbal Communication
• Words, phrases, sentences
• Speed of delivery
• Tone and volume of voice
• Variation in delivery
Non-verbal Communication
• Eye contact
• Facial expressions
• Gestures of hands
• Movement
• Posture
• Use of space
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How we communicate: The Three V’s
Face-to-face communication involves more than just the words we use.
Also important are how we use the words in our voice (tone, inflection) and what we
do our body while speaking (our facial expression, gestures, posture and so on).
Mehrabian in his famous studies of the 1960s on “Body Language” found that the
“Three V’s” – verbal, vocal, visual – contributed the following percentages to the oral
communication process.
According to the work of Albert Mehrabian when communicating feelings, this divides
into:
The last two V’s together are referred to as “non-verbal communication” (NVC).
Repeated experiments by researchers have confirmed that body language contributes
at least 55% if not even more to face-to-face communication.
55 %38 %
7 %
Elements of Communication
Body Language Tone of Voice Words
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Body language involves at least these elements:
Appearance
▪ Clothing (suit and tie, T-shirt, long skirt, mini skirt); hairstyle (shirt
back and sides, long and flowing); jewellery (pearls, beads, bangles);
shoes (sandals, boots, Doc Martens)….
Face
▪ Facial expression: smiles, scowls, pursed lips, tight lips, open mouth,
wrinkled nose, furrowed brow, inflated cheeks, clenched teeth….
Eyes
▪ Eye contact: direct gaze, eyeball-to-eyeball, eye avoidance, eyes up,
eyes down……… - Eye expression: wide-eyed, squinting, rolled up,
raised brows….
Gestures
▪ Body movements: head nods, shoulder shrugs, arm waving, crossed arms, leg
shifts….
▪ Hand and foot movements: hand signs, clenched fists, finger tapping, foot
tapping….
Posture
▪ Standing: erect, stooped, tense, relaxed, hunched, bowed, legs apart, legs
together…
▪ Sitting: edge of chair, well back, hands in lap, hands on knees, legs crossed,
legs extended, head down, head up, head in hands….
Location
▪ Rooted to the spot, pacing back and forth, shifting from one foot to the other,
sitting on the edge of a table, learning on something, behind something (a
podium, a table, a desk)…..
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Touch
▪ Handshake (firm, limp, one-handed, two-handed); touching (arm, face, hair);
embraces (arm around shoulder, full hugs); kisses (on cheeks, forehead, hair, hand,
mouth)...
Space
▪ Too close (intimidating, invading), too far away (avoiding)…
▪ The list goes on. Everything we do while speaking contributes to the message
conveyed. So be careful. But be confident too. By knowing about body language and
NVC we can use them to our advantage.
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What Message are you Sending?
The words we use – the messages they may convey
The words we use can convey all types of messages, some
of which may not be what we actually intend.
The meaning of any message we send will depend upon
how it is interpreted by the receiver.
Saying Effect conveyed to the other person
I’m sure you don’t need to worry about that Trivialises the other person’s worry
Time will heal – you’ll come to terms with it
eventually
You have resorted to a cliché because you
can’t be bothered to think of anything else
to say
Other people cope with far worse things –
buck up!
Diminishes the other person
Don’t you think you should…? Preaching – implies that you know best
Can we move on to the really important
issues
Impatience – your concerns are more
important
I think you’re right, the real problem is with
someone else
Colluding – covers up the problem
Verbal Communication Skills
K• Keep
I• It
S• Short &
S• Simple
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Clear and Confident Messages
Managing the Message
▪ Acknowledge potential feelings and responses – though don’t assume them.
▪ Acknowledge that in the real world ‘things do go wrong’ and people/things do
move on. “Failure is not falling down, but staying down”.
▪ Be clear and honest about any negative factors and use these factors to
highlight the need for future motivation/commitment/action.
▪ Be clear on the message you want to give.
▪ Be specific and to the point. Don’t give long pre-ambles – it makes people
nervous – and may show your anxiety or lack of confidence.
▪ Don’t try to wing it. Really think it through and practice aloud how different
words, phrases and tones sound.
▪ Use facts and evidence based information.
Managing the impact
▪ Anticipate responses – or reactions!
▪ Be prepared to listen, answer questions, offer support if appropriate.
Consider how you will manage them.
▪ Do certain people need to hear the message at the same time? Should some
people hear the message before others?
▪ Ensure that the timing and conditions are right. Who needs to know what,
when and how will you communicate?
▪ Set the tone letting people know whether you are having a conversation,
whether you are briefing them and they can reply, whether you are briefing
them and there won’t be opportunity to reply (should be rare if ever) or
whether you are giving them information on a need to know basis.
Managing your delivery
• Be ‘to the point’.
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• Consider the communication style preferences of those receiving the message and
pitch accordingly. You may need to think about the proportion of facts, emotional
impacts, ways forward etc. contained in the message.
• Do you need to stand, sit, roam around – whichever, ensure your body language is
still, expressive where necessary, ‘open’ and mostly, congruent with the words
you are saying.
• Don’t waffle and ramble.
• Give eye contact to the whole group
• Keep your head up right, your eyes focussed, your body and hands and feet still
and your voice at the right volume in the right tone.
• Maintain eye contact with individuals.
• Use ‘I’ or ‘we’ statements as appropriate.
• Use confident behaviours:
• You may need to open on a serious note but finish with words of motivation –
ensure your tone and words communicate this.
Finally, don’t remove your personality from the message – you risk trust!
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The Words we Use
Words that can weaken our message:
▪ Could
▪ I don’t suppose…
▪ May
▪ Maybe
▪ Might
▪ Not usually
▪ Possible
▪ Possibly
▪ Sorry
▪ Try
Power Words
▪ Best
▪ Easy
▪ Enjoy
▪ Evidence
▪ Fun
▪ Future
▪ Guaranteed
▪ Inexpensive
▪ Logical
▪ New
▪ Proven
▪ Reliable
▪ Research
▪ Safety
▪ Save
▪ Security
▪ Stress-free
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▪ Tested
▪ Trouble-free
▪ Trues Free
▪ Unique
▪ Values
▪ Vision
▪ Will feel Like…
▪ Will look like…
▪ Will sound like…
▪ Your Needs
▪ Your perspective
The Power of Positive Behaviour
▪ Actively LISTEN – we learn more from SILENCE
Flexibility – be willing to and prepared to change your approach, as required
▪ Appropriate tone of voice that matches your message
▪ Awareness and empathy to the needs of others
▪ Continually maintain rapport
▪ Control group behaviour and dynamics
▪ Deal with aggression
▪ Handle difficult customers
▪ Live by your values and beliefs
▪ Maintain eye contact
▪ Match body language to your message
▪ Overcome resistance ▪ Reduce words that weaken your message (e.g. “I’m sorry,” “Yes, but…” “you
don’t understand…” etc.
▪ Sensory acuity – pay attention to how others react to you and your messages
▪ Tackle difficult questions
▪ Walk the walk; don’t just talk the talk
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Those we wish to influence
Those we want to influence with our ideas fall into the following types:
▪ Are actively supportive
▪ Are unable to say what they need
▪ Consider it the wrong time
▪ Covertly disagree
▪ Have no/lack sufficient information
▪ Need time to think it over
▪ Must refer the decision to others
▪ Openly disagree
▪ Reluctantly comply
▪ Remain undecided
Dealing with Resistance
▪ Build rapport and a positive relationship
▪ Carefully listen to what the other person(s) is saying
▪ Carefully plan your responses beforehand
▪ Consider what would need to happen for you to be convinced?
▪ Empathise – put yourself in their shoes – see things from their perspective
▪ Ensure you have given acceptable responses to concerns, doubts and fears
▪ Observe their body language – does it contain hidden messages?
▪ Plan for potential responses and think through how you could deal with them
▪ See areas of agreement and common ground and stress them – minimise areas of
disagreement
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Top Tips for Spotting Signs of
Agreement
The following body language and behaviours may be a signal that the other person(s)
may be about to agree and decide in your favour:
▪ Asking for more information
▪ Asking questions such as: “What if we…?” ‘Supposing…”
▪ Checking follow-up plans, support and promises/guarantees you have made
▪ Discussing details about implementation
▪ Head up with good eye contact
▪ Leaning forward, appearing involved and interested
▪ Nodding or smiling in agreement
▪ Picking up your written proposal and checking specific aspects/examples
▪ Requesting you to repeat points you have made earlier
▪ Stroking their chin thoughtfully
▪ Taking notes
▪ Upward inflection in their vocal tone
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Communication Styles Explained
Action
Consider how the words
you use to communicate
with others could be
tailored to appeal to all of
these communication
styles.
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Representational Systems
Sensory acuity (or sensory awareness) is one of the ‘pillars’ of NLP.
We use the five senses in order to take in information about the world around us and
we recreate those sensations in our mind, “re-presenting the world to ourselves using
our senses inwardly.”1
V Visual Sight
A Auditory Sound
K Kinaesthetic Touch
O Olfactory Smell
G Gustatory Taste
Understanding the representational systems can provide clues and cues that help us
recognise our own and the other person’s preferred thinking styles. They can assist us
in understanding how others view and experience the world and therefore
communicate more effectively. It is important to note that there is no ‘right’ or
‘wrong’ way of thinking.
The Visual System
This is used how we create images, pictures, daydream, visualise, imagine or fantasise
within our minds or to recall experiences.
The Auditory System
This is used to listen to music internally, talk to yourself and rehear conversations and
the voices of other people.
1 Source: NLP Workbook; Joseph O’Connor; Element
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The Kinaesthetic System
This refers to our internal and external feelings of touch and bodily awareness and our
emotions are also included in the kinaesthetic system.
The Olfactory System
This is used to remember or imagine smells.
The Gustatory System
This system is made up of remembered or created smells.
Within Western European and American culture the olfactory and gustatory systems
are less important than in other cultures.
We develop preferences for one of the representational systems over time and will
tend to use that more often. We may use the other systems and it is fully possible for
us to be more practised and comfortable in all three. The skill is to recognise, without
judging, the systems being used and to work with them.
Predicates
Predicates are the words we use that differentiate between representational systems.
If we listen carefully and note the words used by others, we can recognise their
preferred system and understand them better.
Visual Auditory Kinaesthetic Olfactory/ Gustatory
Looks good to
me
Sounds right Feels good Fresh as a daisy
Outside my
picture
Can’t hear myself
think
Heated debate Smell a rat
Seeing eye to eye Singing our tune On common
ground
A sweet person
Shed some light
on…
Clear explanation Hands on Get the flavour
Colourful show Rings bells Smooth operator Whiff of success
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Why don’t we listen?
Selective listening:
▪ Anticipating questions!
▪ Concentrate on what we think is important, what
we agree/disagree with, what we already know.
We are looking for the answer or the flaw in the
argument.
▪ Tendency for selective listening
1. Talking speed versus speed of thought:
▪ Differences in our talking speed and our thinking
speed – On average, we speak at around 125
words per minute and we think at around 500
words per minute
▪ We jump ahead before we realise - waiting for
the speaker to “Catch up!”
2. Lack of interest:
▪ How often do we listen when we are not really
interested?
▪ Our interest is based on: personal interests,
feelings towards the speaker, pre-occupation with
other matters, tiredness
3. Beliefs and attitudes:
▪ How do you feel if someone challenges your
beliefs? Often become emotionally involved,
argue, not listen....
Talks
Listens Prepares Response
Makes point
Interrupts
Person A
Person
B
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▪ We all develop our own beliefs and attitudes about ourselves, our life, others
4. Reactions to speaker:
▪ Stereotypes…often too busy criticising language, background, their dress,
their religion, their nationality etc. to listen
5. Words we hear:
▪ Becomes a competition to see how many times they use that phrase!
▪ Pet phases - e.g.. Now...Right...At the end of the day...
6. Listening expectations:
▪ Tendency to hear what our minds tell us
▪ What we hear and understand is largely shaped by our own expectations and
background
7. Physical distractions:
▪ Noise - only half listening! Something distracting outside etc.
8. Our need to speak
▪ Listen for our turn to speak, to interrupt and the need to sound or look good
● ● ●
"It's a mistake to think we
listen only with our ears. It's
much more important to
listen with the mind, the
eyes, the body and the
heart. Unless you truly want
to understand the other
person, you'll never be able
to listen."
Mark Herndon
US musician
● ● ●
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Effective and Ineffective Listening
Types of listening that limits effective
communication:
Types of listening that make us more
effective as communicators:
Listening for an opportunity to punish
Listening for letting off steam
Listening for making my point
Listening for proving I know best
Listening for telling my story
Listening for you being wrong
Listening to be right
✓ Listening for a way to build relationships
✓ Listening for a way to resolving
breakdowns
✓ Listening for a way to solve a problem
✓ Listening for new possibilities
✓ Listening for possible action
✓ Listening to try to understand
The 8 E’s of Listening
The 8 E’s will have an impact on what we are hearing or what we think we are hearing
▪ Ears – the words we hear but also tone,
accent, or the sound of someone’s voice.
▪ Ego – looking for information that we tell us
that we are right and our opinions are
validated
▪ Emotion – how we are feeling generally,
emotions carried over from previous
conversations / previous things we have
been working on that day, how we feel about
the individual we are talking to
E • Ears
E • Ego
E • Emotion
E • Environment
E • Evaluation
E • Expectation
E • Experience
E • Eyes
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▪ Environment – how comfortable we feel e.g temperature, hunger, need
for the toilet etc. will impact our conversation
▪ Evaluation – assessing what we hear as we go along, not getting to the
end of the conversation before coming to a conclusion.
▪ Expectation – what we expect to happen from the conversation and how we
expect the person to be
▪ Experience – what we have understood, learned and/or believed before about
the topic being discussed and our own background
▪ Eyes – what we think when we see the person who is talking to us, the
assumptions that we make, things we hear through the body language we see
How to Really Listen
▪ Silent means being verbally silent – shutting up and giving the other
person time to speak and get their message across.
It is
also
about being mentally silent turning offer our
‘inside voice:’ distracting thoughts that get in the
way (e.g. evaluating what is being said; thinking
what to have for dinner tonight.)
● ● ●
“Let a fool hold his
tongue and he will pass
for a sage.”
Publilius Syrus
First Century BC
● ● ●
L.I.S.T.E.N. = S.I.L.E.N.T.
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Top Tips for Active Listening
▪ Acknowledge feelings
▪ Ask for clarification/ask questions (if you do not
understand)
▪ Ask open questions
▪ Avoid interruptions
▪ Avoid prejudices and assumptions
▪ Concentrate deliberately on what is being said
▪ Do not react personally to emotive words
▪ Eliminate distractions, whether internal (own
concerns) or external (physical environment)
▪ Encourage the person to continue
▪ Expect to hear something useful
▪ Focus on the speaker, look at him/her
▪ Get rid of time pressures
▪ Listen for ideas that you can develop yourself or
may have to question
▪ Listen to yourself and note your own reaction to
the messages being received
▪ Listen with an open mind to understand the
message the person is trying to convey
▪ Listen with full attention to the words and tone of
the person’s voice
▪ Listen with your eyes to the body language
▪ Look for non-verbal cues/messages
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▪ Look interested
▪ Maintain an open mind
▪ Reflect back on what you hear
▪ Sit so you can see and hear - upright, not slouched
▪ Summarise – by restating in your own language the main points the person
said to show that you have understood
▪ Take notes, even if not necessary, but do not doodle
● ● ●
“Knowledge speaks, but
wisdom listens.”
Jimi Hendrix
● ● ●
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Top Tips for Questioning Skills
Effective questioning skills are essential to developing effective relationships,
including supervision relationships.
There is an old Irish Saying:
‘Questioning is the door of knowledge.’
Use open questions - good questions to use start with:
‘HOW MUCH/HOW MANY?’
‘TELL ME ABOUT’
‘WHAT?’
‘WHEN?’
‘WHERE?’
‘WHO?’
Useful Questions
✓ Use probing questions to gain
understanding.
✓ Use reflective questions to get your staff to
think through things for themselves
✓ Link questions – useful to move your
member of staff onto another area without
disregarding current area being discussed.
▪ ‘If you are happy with that area, I
would like to move on and discuss…
‘
▪ Scale Questions - it can be useful to
ask questions like:
● ● ●
"Freedom is not worth
having if it does not include
the freedom to make
mistakes."
Mahatma Gandhi
● ● ●
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▪ On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being not confident and 10 being very confident,
how confident do you feel in this area?’’
✓ Comparison questions – useful if you are getting conflicting messages from your
member of staff.
▪ ‘As I understood it last time we met, you said…now the situation is…Could
you please explain the difference so I am clear with what has happened.’
✓ Final question – useful to ensure your member of staff has covered
everything they want to and if not it can be addressed in the current, or a
future, meeting.
▪ ‘Is there anything else you would like to discuss that we haven’t
covered today?’
✓ Be positive and constructive, do not be aggressive or negative.
Avoid using some types of questions
Be careful when using ‘WHY?’ It can come across as negative
Closed questions e.g yes/no responses don’t allow conversations to open up.
They can however be useful to confirm details
Asking multiple questions as they can cause confusion
Avoid leading questions
‘I’m sure you agree that… ‘
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Giving and Receiving Feedback
For most of us, feedback is an essential ingredient of learning and developing. It is important to
make your exchange constructive, so that each person's development is supported.
Guidelines for Giving Constructive Feedback
1. Be timely ✓ Give your feedback as soon as possible
✓ Give in an appropriate setting.
2. Explain importance ✓ People need to understand the context and impact
of their actions and why receiving and acting on the
feedback is important.
3. Be specific ✓ Describe specific behaviours and reactions,
particularly choose those they should keep
and those they should change. What is it that you
are looking for?
4. Be descriptive ✓ Describe what you see, hear and feel. Don't be
judgmental.
5. Describe behaviour ✓ Focus on what someone does, not their
personality. Behaviour is easier to change than
personality.
6. Be constructive ✓ Why are you giving the feedback? Don’t be
destructive or give it to make yourself feel better.
Make sure it is helpful to the receiver?
7. Own your own
feedback
✓ Speak for yourself, not for others.
8. Be future looking ✓ Focus on what can be done.
9. Exchange ✓ Ensure the person can respond and there is
dialogue
EXAMPLE 1: Judgmental, speaking for others, personality focused:
'You should not be so aggressive; it is rude, and it got everyone upset'
EXAMPLE 2: Descriptive, speaking for self, behaviour focused:
'When you interrupted me several times, I felt as though there was no point in
explaining my idea'
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Do’s and Don’ts of Giving Feedback
Do’s Don’ts
✓ Own your statements (I liked,
I felt) Be vague or impersonal
✓ Focus on what was said or
done Make interpretations,
assumptions or inferences,
mindreading
✓ Be specific Generalise or over-complicate
✓ Be clear and concise Waffle, “wrap it up”, overload the
recipient
✓ Offer information/ideas that
the recipient can use in
his/her own way
Give advice, judge
✓ Listen to the feedback rather
than immediately reject it or
argue with it
Just be negative, but be
constructive
✓ If feedback is unclear, ask for
clarification Focus on things that cannot be
changed
Feedback Model 1
▪ Commend
▪ Recommend
▪ Commend
Ratio - Positive Feedback: Negative Feedback = 2:1
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Feedback model 2
The Assertiveness Tree
Ensure that your feedback gives a BOOST
● ● ●
“Treat people as if they
were what they ought to
be and you help them to
become what they are
capable of being.”
Goethe
● ● ●
P• Praise
A• Ask
G• Guide
E• Encourage
B• Balanced
O• Observed
O• Owned
S• Specific
T• Timely
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Constructive Criticism
A definition of criticism:
A statement that sets out to evaluate or analyse.
A process for giving criticism:
Guidance for Givng Criticism
As the manager, you need to:
▪ Use ’I’ statements
Speak for yourself – not others. State your feelings
and opinions clearly
⧫ “I think the presentation you gave was rushed and
lacked thorough preparation”
▪ Criticise the behavior; do not make personal
attacks
Direct your criticism at something said or done.
⧫ “When you keep interrupting others during team
meetings it gives the impression that you do not
value what they are telling you.”
▪ Explain the impact
Tell the person exactly how their behaviour
(precisely what has been done/left undone) has had
an impact the behaviour has an impact
Introduce the issueMake your critism
specific
Ask for a response
to the criticism
Seek suggestions
about changes
Summarise and
clarify suggestions
● ● ●
“Any fool can criticise,
condemn, and complain but
it takes character and self-
control to be understanding
and forgiving.”
Dale Carnegie
● ● ●
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“When you didn’t send out that information in the agreed
timescales, it meant that the client was left feeling confused and
angry and it gave her a bad impression about the organisation as a
whole
▪ Identify desired change
Criticism should be directed at behaviours that the person is actually
able to change in the future
⧫ In the future I want you to start work on time and to get to
the office no later than 09:45. Thank you.
The Appraisee needs to feel free to:
▪ Be involved in identifying and committing to future changes
▪ Explain the situation from their perspective
▪ Express their emotions and be listened to
▪ Give them time to express how they feel about the criticism and reassure
them. Don’t undermine their feelings
● ● ●
“Criticism may not be
agreeable, but it is
necessary. It fulfils the same
function as pain in the
human body. It calls
attention to an unhealthy
state of things.”
Winston Churchill
● ● ●
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Understanding Conflict
A Definition of Conflict
People’s Differences Working Against Each Other. Conflict is:
▪ An inevitable part of life – a natural process wherever differences meet – it is
neither good or bad
▪ Many disputes can have a positive outcome
▪ Not necessarily bad, destructive or unproductive
▪ Part of working life – it’s how we deal with conflict that is important
▪ Possible at any level: personal, relationships, groups, the organisation and further
▪ Something that can be handled in many different ways – it doesn’t necessarily
mean there have to be winners and losers
▪ Two or more individuals/parties wanting a limited resource
A perceived legitimacy to that resource by the parties
Conflict is fuelled by:
• Interdependency of the parties – they need each other
• No gross differences in power
Conflict is inevitable in workplaces where people have different views about how to
run the organisation or business. These include differences over aims, methods,
decisions, plans, priorities, resources, and work procedures.
Conflict can exist between: • individual and individual in dispute.
• interest groups within the organisation (eg Unions and management)
• managers of one department and those of another
• members of the same department
• the individual and the organisation
• the organisation and its customers
• the organisation and its suppliers
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Conflict is normal and potentially beneficial. Creative solutions may emerge out of
conflict can that benefit all sides.
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Types of Conflict
Intrapersonal
Internal Conflict – when we have a conflict between our personal values, feelings and
thoughts and behaviours – e.g. wanting to give up smoking but finding ourselves
unable to do so
Interpersonal
• Age Clashes – older people/maturity vs. youth
• Clashes of belief/ideology – chauvinism vs. feminism
• Cultural Clashes – Jews vs. Arabs
• Religious Clashes – Protestants vs. Catholics
• Service–related clashes – Service-users vs. Staff
• Temperament clashes – dominant vs. shy
• Value Clashes – liberal vs. conservative
Organisational
• Executive competition for top positions and resources
• Intra and inter-company rivalry
• Management vs. union
• Sector rivalry – health vs. social services
• Service users vs. service-provider (as an organisation)
National
• Civil war
• Wealth clashes – rich vs. poor
International
• The Cold War
• War against terrorism
Other Causes of interpersonal Conflict
• Perceived differences
• Poor Communication
• Spatial relationships – e.g. some people need their own space/will find
overcrowding a source of conflict
Adapted from: Falzon, M. A. (2007). Resolving Conflict Pocketbook. London: Management Pocketbooks.
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Conflict Management Styles
Conflict is a necessary part of daily life, yet many people find it difficult to deal with
conflict.
Some people will use certain strategies for handling conflict whilst other people will
use different strategies. Often the strategies we use we learned early in life, as
children and they seem to function automatically – we may not even be aware of how
we act in conflict situations as we do so naturally. However, we do have a personal
conflict management style and, because it was learned, we can change it by learning
and developing new and more effective ways of managing conflict in our lives.
Adapted from: Thomas-Kilmann Conflict MODE Instrument (Mountain View, CA: Xicom and CPP, Inc., 1974)
We have to main concerns when we are involved in conflict:
■ Achieving our personal goals
■ Maintaining a positive relationship with the other person.
These two concerns and how important we view them will influence our conflict
management style:
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Accommodate (The Teddy Bear)
Relationships are of great importance to teddy bears and they want to be liked and
accepted by others.
Their own goals are of little importance and will sacrifice their personal goals to
preserve relationships as they place harmony above all other things. They think
conflict should be avoided and believe that conflicts cannot be discussed by people
without damaging relationships. They fear that if conflict is allowed to continue,
someone will get hurt and the relationship will be ruined. They Teddy Bear will try to
smooth over any conflict out of fear of harming their relationships.
Avoiding (The Turtle)
Turtles withdraw into their shells in order to avoid conflict - ignore the conflict in the
hope that it will go away.
They give up their personal goals and relationships and stay away from the issues over
which the conflict is taking place and from the people with whom they are in conflict.
They feel helpless and believe there is no point or hope in trying to resolve conflicts. It
is easier to withdraw and avoid (physically and psychologically) from a conflict than to
face it.
Compete (The Shark)
Sharks try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept their solution to a
conflict.
Relationships and the needs of others are of minor importance or concern to sharks.
Rather, they seek to achieve their own goals at all costs as they consider them to be
much more important. The shark’s view is that conflicts are resolved by one side
losing and the other winning and Sharks always want to be the winner as this gives
them a sense of achievement and pride. They will do their best to win by attacking,
intimidating, overwhelming and overpowering others.
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Compromise (The Fox)
The fox is moderately concerned with their relationships with others and their own
goals.
Foxes seek to give up part of their goals and persuade the other person to give up part
of theirs – a compromise. During a conflict they will seek the middle ground between
highly polarized views. In order to find an agreement they are willing to sacrifice their
own goals and relationships for the common good.
Collaborate (The Owl)
Owls value their relationships and goals highly.
They see conflict as a problem to be faced and solved and they seek a salutation that
achieves their own goals and the goals of the other person. They will face the conflict,
draw people’s attention to it, surface the issues and resolve them in a win/win way by
using a systematic problem solving approach. Owls see conflicts as a way of improving
relationships by reducing tension, maintaining the relationship through considering
resolutions that will satisfy both the other side and themselves. Owls are not satisfied
until a solution is found and the tensions and negative feelings have been resolved.
Conflict Coping Strategies
Conflict
Coping
Strategies
Intellectualising
Regression
Minimising
Fantasy
Fixation
Denial
Repression
Projection
DIsplacement
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Conflict: Is it Negative of Positive?
The Negative View of Conflict
When we perceive conflict negatively, we tend to see it as a threat. Our unthinking
reactions are instinctive and emotional: to attack the reasons for the conflict or avoid
facing up to them.
Some common negative reactions to conflict include:
• "It's their fault, not mine..."
• "If I ignore it, it might go away."
• "It's best not to get involved."
• "If we stick our nose in, someone will get hurt."
• "We'll just argue and argue over who said what, when and to whom."
• "I can't let them win."
• "Let them get on with it."
The Positive View of Conflict
When we perceive conflict positively we tend to see it as an opportunity. Most
successful advances in business occur when two sides with different interests put
their heads together to work out a new way forward. Positive views of conflict are
rational and non-emotive.
Some of the rational ways in which we might look at conflict positively include:
• many differences can't be settled quickly, but the differences themselves produce
a valuable creative tension
• when two different forces come together, the result can be more than a sum of
the parts. This is the principle of synergy.
• when people are in disagreement this is a positive sign that they care and want
things to improve
• those against us are still part of us: having differences is like a family discussion.
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Seven steps to handling conflict
Step 1
Ask the question “What is
going on here?”
▪ i.e. What is the nature and reason for the
differences – facts, information, perception, goals,
methods, roles, values etc.
Step 2
Consider what personal
factors are present
▪ I.e. communication styles and patterns; attitudes and
prejudices, assumptions and perceptions;
personalities - pessimistic/optimistic; cautious/risk-
taking; reactive/reflective; direct/indirect;
rambling/articulate; planned/spontaneous.
Step 3
Ask – what are the possible
outcomes at this stage?
▪ i.e. who else is affected and how - colleagues,
staff/volunteers, partners, supporters, users. Who
wins/loses what? What are the organisational
consequences?
Step 4
Consider – who else might
help resolve this conflict
▪ i.e. are there other parties who should be brought in;
is a mediator or facilitator needed; is an ‘expert’
needed; is a policy maker needed.
Step 5
Consider urgency and
importance – when and
where to handle this
▪ i.e. is there an appropriate forum to ‘handle’ this; is
there a deadline influencing when the conflict needs
to be resolved by in order for mutually beneficial
outcomes; can the situation be ‘let go’/ignored
without recurring incident or consequence.
Step 6
Decide what can be done
next – an initial response –
consider the possible
outcomes of this action
▪ i.e. clarify facts/open discussion – removes
assumptions and perceptions; change own behaviour
- influences others’ behaviour; mutually review goals,
roles, perceptions – mutual understanding; clarify
policies/procedures – allows room for
acknowledgement/change; training/coaching –
opportunity to learn and avoid repetition.
Step 7
Take action - aiming for
win/win outcomes
▪ i.e. What specific action needs to be taken; how and
when will this happen; what useful words or phrases
or approaches might be useful; who will be involved
in this
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Useful Resources
Adair, J. (1996). Effective Motivation. Pan Books.
Adair, J. (1997). Effective Communication. Pan Books.
Allcock Tyler, D. (2006). It's Tough at the Top - The No-fibbing Guide to Leadership. Directory of Social Change.
Allcock Tyler, D. (2007). The Pleasure and the Pain - The No-fibbing Guide to Working with People. Directory of
Social Change.
Blanchard, K. (2007). Leading at a Higher Level. Pearson Eduction Limited.
Blanchard, K. H. (2000). Leadership and the One Minute Manager. Harper Collins.
Charvet, S. R. (2010). Words That Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence. Kendall/Hunt Publishing
Compan.
Covey, S. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Gallwey, W. T. (2003). The Inner Game of Work. Texere Publishing.
Goerge, B. (2004). Authentic Leadership: Rediscovering the Secrets of Creating Lasting Value. Jossey Bass.
Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence. Bloomsbury Publishing plc.
Goleman, D. (2002). The New Leaders - Transforming the Art of Leadership into the Science of Results. Sphere.
Jeffers, S. (2006). Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Ballantine Books.
Johnson, S. (1998). Who Moved My Cheese? G. P. Putnam's Sons.
Landsberg, M. (2003). The Tao of Coaching. Profile Books Ltd.
Landsberg, M. (2003). The Tao of Motivation - Inspire Yourself and Others. Profile Books Ltd.
Landsberg, M. (2003). The Tools of Leadership. Profile Books Ltd.
Leary-Joyce. (2007). Inpirational Manager - How to Build Relationships that Deliver Results. Pearson Education
Limited.
Leibling, M. (2010). How People Tick - A Guide to Over 50 types of difficult people and how to handle them. Kogan
Page Ltd.
Leigh, A. (2008). The Charisma Effect - How to Make a Powerful and Lasting Impression. London, UK: Pearson
Education Limited.
Leigh, A. a. (2002). Leading Your Team - How to Involve and Inspire People. Nicholas Brealey Publishing.
Lloyd, M. a. (2007). Leadership 101. Directory of Social Change.
Lundin, S. C., & Onken Jr and Burrows, H. (2000). Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results.
Hyperion.
Maguire, S. (2008). Core Coaching - Coaching for Great Performance at Work. Directory of Social Change.
Mandela, N. (2001). The Illustrated Walk to Freedom.
Owen, J. (2010). The Leadership Skills Handbook. Kogan Page.
Pardey, D. (2007). Introducing Leadership. Butterworth-Heinemann.
Posner, K. a. (2008). The Leadership Challenge. Jossey-Bass.
Smart, J. (2003). Real Coaching and Feedback - How to Help People Improve Their Performance. Pearson
Education Limited.
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● ● ●
“Learning is a treasure
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Chinese Proverb
● ● ●