What is important to your coaching clients can be discovered notonly through what they say, but through the words they use, thosethey miss out, and their emphasis and tone.

Coach the CoachEffective communication

Coach the Coach • Issue 3 Coach the Coach • ©Fenman Limited 2004

Why all the fuss?

Have you ever come across the 7-38-55% rule? Perhaps you’ve readabout it in books on preparing forjob interviews, making presenta-tions and so on. It stems fromresearch done by Professor AlbertMehrabian1 back in the 1960s andhas often been quoted as a hard-and-fast rule for communicating.The rule is that only 7 per cent ofmeaning is carried in the wordsused, 38 per cent in the way thewords are said and 55 per cent inthe way the body is used as thewords are spoken. If it’s true, whatare the implications for coacheswhen working with clients?Should we be devoting 55 per centof our attention to body language,38 per cent to tone and only 7 percent to words?

Since the original research, manyhave applied the rule withoutknowing the context ofMehrabian’s research. This hasresulted in a lot of controversy,with many contesting his findings.Most notable has been the attackfrom Herbert Oestreich,2 aprofessor at San Jose State

University, who stated in 1999that it was time to ‘Dump the55%, 38%, 7% Rule’, mainlybecause he thought Mehrabiandidn’t make the context of hisresearch clear enough. The title ofMehrabian’s original publicationin the Journal of Personality andSocial Psychology was ‘Decodingof Inconsistent Communications’3

and his book Silent Messages4

refers to inconsistent messagesfour times. That does make onewonder whether the eminentprofessor actually needed to addsome tone and body language tothese words in order to get themessage across.

In what contexts does the rule apply?

■ The 7-38-55% findings applyonly to communications wherethe messages communicated viathe three channels (words, tone,body language) are notconsistent with each other.

■ The research applies to commu-nications concerned withintangible verbal content, and

not where the message is purely factual – for example,‘I’m worried about missing my meeting’, as compared with ‘My meeting starts in 10 minutes.’

How much content do we need?

What would happen if you didn’tunderstand any of your client’scontent? Are words of so littleimportance that you could stillcoach someone without under-standing what they were talkingabout? Those who have tried thiswould answer with a resounding‘Yes ... and it improves yourcoaching!’ To try this, ask yourclient to ‘code’ the content of thesession. For example, when asked‘How can I help you?’, the clientmight reply, ‘I’d like to discusshow to get more river in my life.’Every time an element of contentneeds to come into a sentence, theclient codes it. Rather than beingoverly challenging, this actuallyfrees the coach up to focus onprocess, and to notice all the smallimportant words plus key elementsof tone and body language. Theseoften get missed if we get caughtup in the client’s content.

Alastair Olby is a coach and consultant with Kaizen Training Limited. His coachingcareer started with the Canadian Federation of Ski Coaches, where he coached skiracers, and since then he has worked with clients in a wide variety of countries in lifeand executive coaching. He is passionate about helping clients tap into theirpotential, delighting them by what they are able to achieve.• Telephone: 01923 291618 • E-mail: alastair@ kaizen-training.com • Website: www.kaizen-training.com

References1 A Mehrabian and M Wiener. ‘Decoding of Inconsistent Communications’, Journal of Personality and

Social Psychology, vol 6, pp. 109-114, 1967

2 Herbert Oestreich, Ph.D, Professor Emeritus, College of Business, San Jose State University

3 Ibid.

4 A Mehrabian. Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes, Wadsworth Publishing Company, 1972

5 WT Gallwey. The Inner Game of Work, Random House, 2001

6 See DH Naftulin, JE Ware and FA Donnelly. ‘The Doctor Fox Lecture: A Paradigm of Educational Seduction’, Journal of Medical Education, no. 48, pp. 630-635, 1973

7 M Grinder. Charisma – Cats & Dogs, Michael Grinder & Associates, 2004

w ords, tone and body languageDistinguishing between

Key learning points

◆ The relative importance of words,tone and body language depends onthe context in which they are used.

◆ Tone and body language may beeven more important than previouslyassumed.

◆ The small words matter.

◆ Stressed words give clues.

◆ Client’s content is not important.

A client w ith a calm and composed manner was constantly coming acrossblocks that stopped her from achieving her outcome. Her coach found hercomposed nature and detail focus challenged his ability to uncover whatneeded shifting for her to have a breakthrough, so after three sessions theyagreed to a content-free session in which she would code the content of anew but related issue. What a difference it made. The code she chose (at thedrop of a hat) became a powerful metaphor for her and, as only she couldknow its relevance, it helped to uncover know ledge she had suppressed for along time. The code also enabled the coach to pay much more attention toher tone and body language. Tiny mismatches between words, tone and bodylanguage that he would previously have missed seemed to be floodlit,resulting in his questioning them and helping her discover a pearl. He knewshe’d had the breakthrough before she had said anything, purely through thelook of dawning realisation in her eyes accompanied by a slight tilt of thehead and backwards upper body movement, all made at the same time.

CASE STUDY

When working w ith a client, imagine you are a conductor working w ith anorchestra. Keep your sensory acuity focused on the overall ‘tune’ of yourclient’s communication. If something starts to look, sound or feel out of tune,sort for the note which needs attention: among many things this might bewords, tone or an aspect of body language.

Getting the big picture

• Focus on the overall communication: words, tone and body language. Sort forwhat’s missing when you senseincongruence.

• Listen for emphasised words thatindicate the logical level at whichthe client is experiencing ormanifesting their challenge. Tailoryour questions to the relevantlogical level.

• Filter for the small but importantwords and recover lostinformation.

• If you find yourself being drawnin to the client’s content, noticeand take a step back. Focusinstead on process.

• Use the client’s own words, tone and body language whenrepeating their language back to them.

Top tips There is no doubt that coaching is more results-and action-focused

than therapy‘

’

Alastair Olby

The 7–38–55% Rule

interesting word here is ‘they’.Why? Because it shows importantinformation has been deleted andwe would only be guessing if wethought we understood whom‘they’ referred to. One follow-upwould be, ‘Say more about “they”.’That will retrieve the deletedinformation.

In a number of experiments6

done in which Dr Myron L Foxdelivered a lecture to a series ofaudiences comprising psychiatrists,psychologists, educators and socialworkers, he was consistently rated‘an outstanding psychiatrist’ by 80 per cent of the audience. Theremaining 20 per cent, while not as fulsome in their praise, neithercriticised Dr Fox nor his presentation.

‘So what?’ you may ask. Well, DrFox had never studied psychiatry in his life. He was in fact an actor,equipped by two psychiatrists and amedical educator with brief trainingin the relevant jargon and suppliedwith a meaningless script with ameaningless title. What helped himto blind his audiences to thenonsensical verbal content of thelecture was his authoritative toneand body language.

Work done on non-verbal intelligence by Michael Grinder7

backs this up, showing thatdifferent patterns of body languageand tone give a completely differentmessage, while using the samewords.

What does body languagemean?It can be easy for us to think weunderstand the meaning of aclient’s body language, yet in doingso we make some dangerousassumptions. Take, for example,someone crossing their arms acrosstheir chest. Are they annoyed,uncomfortable, cold, defensive ...?The world of clean language equipsus with a set of tools to explorebody language and retrieve its

meaning. When a client uses aparticular gesture, for instance, try exploring it, using questionssuch as these:And what kind of (repeat thegesture) is that?And is there anything else about that?At times you may sense a client’sdecision is not wholly congruentbecause of their combination ofwords, tone and body language. Ifso (and if possible), get them to trythe decision on for size there andthen: have them associate into thecontext of their decision and see if what they’ve decided works.When there is a lack of congruence,the reaction to trying it out willprobably be less than enthusiastic,in which case you need to go backto drawing out other possible plansof action.

Breathing, posture and eye-accessing cues

Understanding how a client isprocessing information gives us moreimportant clues as to the next steps.

Noticing these modes helps thecoach to tune communication to theclient’s mode. It also informs onhow a client may be limitingthemselves. For example, you maynotice that your client is processinginformation kinaesthetically, andthat this is causing them to getreally caught up in negativeemotion. Breaking state andcoaching them to access a morepositive state by changingbreathing, posture and eye-accessingcues could be the difference thatmakes the difference.

■ If there is too much inconsistencybetween the messages, we tend toadopt a different weighting system.For example, imagine a waiteroffers you crushed ice whilevigorously shaking his head. Here the percentage of the communication about crushed iceconveyed by the body language ismuch higher than 55 per cent.

Clues from tone

One very clear marker in overall tone is the words that the clientemphasises. These can give usimportant clues. Try saying thissentence, emphasising a differentword each time you say it:

I can’t do that here(but I could somewhere else)

I can’t do that here (but I could do something else)

I can’t do that here (I don’t know how to)

I can’t do that here (it’s not possible for me, I don’tbelieve I can)

I can’t do that here (but someone else could)

Notice the changes in implied meaning.The emphasised word often tells us atwhich neurological level the client isoperating, giving us an important clueabout how to follow up.

Words and the inner game

Notice that some questions in theright-hand column above includeembedded commands (in italics). TimGallwey5 of ‘Inner Game’ fame showsthe power of language in an exampleof a client needing help with a verydefensive backhand when playingtennis. The client showed Tim justhow defensive it was (probably themost defensive he had ever seen), towhich Tim responded, ‘OK, but youhaven’t told me what you want. I’dlike you to show me how you want itto be, to paint me a very clearpicture.’ Immediately his clientjumped into action, zinging high-powered backhanders past him. ‘Ah, I see,’ said Tim, ‘But you can’t dothat,’ at which the client immediatelywent back to his old ways. ‘Show me

again how you want it to be,’ saidTim, at which the client startedpowering shots back at him. Sowords can be incredibly powerful,both for the coach and for the clientin the form of their own self-talk.

Words that get away

In order to make sense of ourexperience and all the informationcoming to us, we simplify it in threeways: we delete, distort andgeneralise. Problems can then arisewhen we confuse our linguistically

created models of reality with oursensory experience. The challenge forus as coaches is that it’s often thesmall, seemingly insignificant wordsthat show the deletions, distortionsand generalisations, and these arefrequently not emphasised in speechor with body language.

Looking at this response from aclient, what interests you the most?

‘They make me miserable’ (the bolddenotes the client’s emphasis andpained facial expression).

What would your next question be?

It’s easy to be led by the emphasis andthe misery shown by the facialexpression, but one school of thoughtwould suggest that the most

Distinguishing between words, tone and body language

Coach the Coach Coach the Coach

Is conten t king?

Neurological level Suggested follow-up questions

Environment: I can’t do that here Where would you like to be?

Behaviour: I can’t do that here What would have to happen so you cando that here?

Capability: I can’t do that here And if you could, how would you dothat here?

Belief: I can’t do that here What’s stopping you? How are you stopping yourself? What would you need to believe so you can do that here?

Identity: I can’t do that here Who do you know who can?

Who would you need to be to do that here?

Retrieving the deleted information(Bold denotes word emphasised using added stress and volume, w ith congruentbody language.)C lient’s words Focus words Possible follow-up questionsIt makes me less confident It Say more about ‘it’.

less Less confident than what?makes How does it make you

less confident?When my boss looks at me know How do you know he’slike that, I know he’s angry angry w ith you?w ith me.Well, to move forwards trust How exactly do people need we need more trust. we to trust each other?

Say more about ‘we’.

Processing Breathing Posture Eye-accessing Voice tonemode cues and tempoVisual High in chest, Erect posture, Looking straight High pitched,

rapid shorter head often ahead or up rapid speech,breaths tilted back fast tempo

Auditory Even breathing Asymmetric, Looking to the Melodic, in diaphragm, head tilted left or right, medium paceor w ith whole to one side eyes level w ithchest the horizon

Kinaesthetic Deep, and low Slightly Looking down, Low, deep in the abdomen slumped, often to tonality, slow

head down, their right speech w ithdrooping long pausesshoulders