Download - Double Double, Toil & Trouble: Part 4 - Chapter 16 - How Not to Handle Conflict

7/31/2019 Double Double, Toil & Trouble: Part 4 - Chapter 16 - How Not to Handle Conflict

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Part 6Staying out of a Mess:

Practicalities and Conclusions


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Chapter SeventeenHow Notto Handle Theological Conflict

There were two events in my life during this trial that God used ina strange way. He used these events to shine His glorious light through

the darkened glass of my mind and heart so that I could see just howmuch dirt was really on it. Id like to share these events in this finalsection for two reasons.

First, sharing them will illustrate how much theological anddoctrinal controversies reveal more about our heart than our theology.Second, these events clearly teach you how not to handle theologicalconflict in your own heart and mind. In other words, do as I say, not as Idid!

It continues to astound me that Ive put so much energy in the

past on being right theologically, yet so little energy in being holy andChrist-like. By Gods grace Ive identified that more clearly than everthroughout the course of this trial, and Im making big changes andtaking great strides to be theologically correct and more than anythingelse, like my Savior.

1. Dont Let Anger Control Your Response to Your TheologicalFoes

Its been so long ago now that I dont even recall when this firstevent happened. But Im almost positive it happened before the lawsuit

was initiated. I had gone to the school that morning to talk with Buddy,our school administrator, as I did every morning. Unfortunately, for bothof us, there were still traces of self-pity that would evidence itself insitting around and talking about the whole situation, analyzing it,criticizing others, etc. You know what Im talking about; youve beenthere before. We were basically wasting our time, beating a dead horse.

I dont know what happened but something got under my skin thatmorning as I drove home. As I recall it had something to do with the factthat because of Alexs shenanigans I was quite possibly going to lose myjob at the church, and so would Buddy at the school. Further, his

activity had caused such a major problem at the school that it seemedas if we were unable to move forward in terms of planning for the nextschool year, just a couple of months around the corner!

I may not remember why I got so ticked off, but I definitelyremember getting ticked off as I drove the two miles home from theschool. Something happened to me inside. It was as if I was turning


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into the Incredible Hulk, or something. I came inside, snapped at one ofthe kids, told them to go to their room, and then the Hulk came out.

I entered my bedroom and sat down in the corner on plasticstorage container. We had still not finished unpacking and dared not do

so. That triggered more anger. My wife was in the bedroom sitting onthe bed, folding laundry. I yelled at the kids for them to go to theirrooms. I closed my bedroom door, and the tirade began.

My first words were something like this. Sherri, I want you to tellme what you are going to do to stop me from going over to Alexs houseand I cant repeat the rest. This is a Christian book. I rolled out thered carpet for my flesh. I used a few swear words. I yelled, grew red-faced, veins popping out of my neck. I sinned greatly before the Lordand my wife. Secretly, as I was flailing about like a lost man I waspraying that my kids werent hearing any of this.

What made matters worse was my wife! She allowed a slightsmile to form on her face, and snickered at me. And it was as if she wastelepathically sending me the message, Youre such a big baby! Thatgot me more angry. So I yelled at her, This isnt a laughing matter!She evidently thought it was, and she was probably right! But instead ofagreeing with her I slammed my fist against the bedroom door and wentanother round in my tirade.

As is often the case with those who express their anger byblowing up or clamming up, an immense amount of energy is

expended in a such a short period of time so that the body becomesquickly depressed. Add to that the fact that I had sinned greatly, and theguilt of it all immediately began to weigh heavily on me so as to bringabout more depression. Thats how sin works, so beware of it and getcontrol of your anger before it gets control of you. Long story short, Iwas physically, spiritually and severely depressed for the rest of the day.I pretty much stayed in my room, like a baby, away from the rest ofcivilization, moping, pouting and feeling sorry for myself all day long.

As I look back on it, if this fight was about the doctrines of grace, Isure wasnt showing any grace toward Alex in my heart! In fact, as

Jesus taught in Matthew 5:21-23, I had in all actuality just murdered himright there in my bedroom. I made threats that I wanted to carry out,even though I didnt have the guts to. I said evil things about him,destroying the image of God in him. I seriously sinned.

My righteousness as a Christian and pastor at that moment hadslumped to the level of Pharisaic righteousness. Jesus was talking aboutme when He preached,


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For I say to you, that unless your righteousness surpassesthat of the scribes and Pharisees, you shall not enter thekingdom of heaven. You have heard that the ancients weretold, You shall not commit murder and Whoever commits

murder shall be liable to the court. But I say to you thateveryone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty beforethe court; and whoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shallbe guilty before the supreme court; and whoever shall say,You fool, shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell(Matt. 5:20-22).

Yep, thats me. I did everyone of those things. I was angry withhim. I called him names. I dont know Aramaic, but I would have calledhim Raca and whatever else came to my mind at the time if I couldhave thought of it! And worse than that, I regarded him as a fool in my

heart.

Thats really what Jesus was talking about in this passage. Hesnot after the words that we say about someone, for that is therighteousness which the scribes and Pharisees were concerned about.No, He is concerned about the heart. So when someone says, Youfool! that is tantamount to hating them in our hearts, and thus in Jesuseyes, we have murdered them. I was guilty of court, supreme court, andindeed hell itself that day.

Thats not the way pastors are supposed to act, is it? Hey, thats

not the way Christians are supposed to act. How could I expect the HolySpirit to move in and among me and my ministry if I was acting thisway? Paul said in Ephesians 4:29-31,

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouthAnddo not grieve the Holy Spirit of GodLet all bitterness andwrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away fromyou along with all malice.

Instead, there was much unwholesomeness proceeding from mymouth. And in so doing I was definitely grieving the Spirit of God. I was

rolling out the red carpet for my flesh instead of for the Spirit to help mein the midst of my frustration. This is exactly opposite of what Paulcalled the Galatians to do.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify thedesires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are againstthe Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh,for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing


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the things you want to doNow the works of the flesh areevident:strifefits of anger, rivalries, dissensionsandthings like these (Gal. 5:16-21, ESV).

I had not walked in the Spirit, and consequently I had grieved Him.

The Holy Spirit was grieved in my bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor,slander, and malice. The sin of the Plaintiffs had become my own sin. Ihad forgotten James words to his congregation.

But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slowto anger; for the anger of man does not achieve therighteousness of God (1:19-20).

To be sure, it is completely okay to be angry as long as two thingsare true. First, our anger must be motivated by an offense against God,not against us. Its amazing how much we allow our own personal

issues to get in the way of Gods business. And its even moreastounding how we superimpose our personal issues on God, so as tomake our issues His issues. Thats how we rationalize our anger andgive justification to our sin. Its so subtle and tricky. Weve got to be onour toes constantly to avoid this diseased sort of thinking.

Second, as Paul taught in Ephesians 4:26-27, Be angry and yetdo not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not givethe devil an opportunity. Heres the point I want to get across. We arefallen and depraved. There is nothing good in and of ourselves, withoutChrist. So at best, any personal motivation we have to be angry is

probably sinful. But if we are angry at something that offends God, thatis okay. In fact, we should be angry, because if we are not, it points to aserious spiritual deficiency in our hearts.

But thats not what happened with me. Repeatedly, Sunday afterSunday, petition after petition, confrontation after confrontation I hadalready victoriously expressed controlled anger that had arisen from anoffense against God. But what happened that day in the bedroom wasin stark contrast to my behavior in the presence of the Plaintiffs. Inother words, I was a different person in private than I was in public.That made me a class A Pharisee.

Do you know why I was angry? I was angry because Ihad beeninconvenienced. When I express anger against that whichinconveniences me, I am sinning. The motivation behind my anger isnot godly but selfish. It does not come from Christ but from the flesh.That led me to sin, and we are not supposed to sin when we get angrybecause that opens wide the door of our hearts to the devil to come inand wreak more havoc in our heartsand in our homes.


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Learn from my mistakes, brothers and sisters. Learn from my sin,pastors! These people were sinning against God, not me. I should havecontinued to pass the offense on to God rather than take it and hold itwithin my heart. Thats what went wrong. By taking an offense that

rightly belonged to God and holding it in my stinky, sinful, fleshly heart,that offense mutated and grew toxic in my heart. Offenses dont belongin our hearts. We are sinful and are incapable of doing the right thingwith them. The only thing that will come of it is sinful anger.

Pass your offenses along to God. He dealt with them by crucifyingHis Son on the cross. My offenses against God were placed on Jesusthere at the cross. And thats where I must put the offenses of others,extending to them the same mercy and forgiveness that God throughChrist extended to me. The gospel is the key here. Failure to apply itsforgiving, cleansing, and healing power to the offenses others have

caused you, will eventually cause you to become an offense to everyoneelse around you.

If you dont apply the gospel in your anger, two things will happen.First, you will sin in unrighteously angry, and you will undoubtedly betempted to take revenge, to pay them back for what theyve done toyou. I cant tell you how many times I thought of wonderful schemes toget Alex in trouble! I mean it! I can actually remember one sinister plotthat would have Well, I might incriminate myself if I put it in print.The point was that this kind of thinking was as sinful as my anger! Howchildish I had become in my anger!

That leads to the second thing that happens if you dont give youroffense to God: you will not leave any room for God to display Hisrighteous anger. God is much smarter than we are. On that basis, Imade the determination that if Alex needed to be punished, I wouldwant God to do it rather than I, because He could do it better than I. Sowhatever you do, dont think you know better than God! Take Paulscounsel in Romans 12:16b, 17, 19, 21

Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay backevil for evil to anyoneNever take your own revenge,

beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it iswritten, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the LordDonot be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

2. As Far As It Depends On You, Be at Peace with yourTheological Foes.


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Bouncing off the Romans passage just quoted, I purposefully leftout verse 18 because I wanted to deal with that second. Paul wrote inRomans 12:18, If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace withall men. By Gods grace I was enabled to do this in another situation,and thankfully handle it much more like a Christian and a pastor!

In November of 2004, while we were awaiting a verdict from thejudge regarding the future of some possible vote, the Lord sovereignlyorchestrated a death among the Plaintiffs. She was in her early forties,divorced with an adult son, and was not faithfully attending serviceswhen I came to the church. Her father was also a Plaintiff, and togetherwith his daughter they had decided to attend a church up the road, onewhich our church had helped to plant back in the mid-seventies.

This young lady also attended a Bible study which my wifeattended on Monday nights. A mother of one our younger church

members taught the study. It was obviously quite awkward for my wifeto be there with her. But the day she died, the teacher of the studycalled my wife to encourage her. Evidently some two to three weekspreviously this woman had confessed to the teacher that she hated mywife and I. But God had convicted her of it to the point where sheneeded to confess it to us and ask our forgiveness and express her loveto us. She told the teacher that the next time she saw my wife she wasgoing to give her a hug and tell her how much she loved her.

The next day this young lady got sick and was laid out of Biblestudy for a couple of weeks. She never got that opportunity to confess

her sin to my wife or express that love. But we feel it now, even thoughshe is with the Lord now. The problem was however, she may not havetold her family before she died. How do I know? Because when I wentto her house the day she died, I wasnt feeling the love!

I was running errands in Columbus, some twenty-plus miles away,when one of our deacons called to inform me she was found dead in herhome earlier that morning. My heart was gripped with fear. I startedtrembling and shaking, my head was spinning. A little panic set in. Idropped what I was doing and headed for her house. One thoughtspanned all my other thoughts: perhaps this was the moment when

peace could be initiated between both sides! Thats all I wanted. Isimply desired to be at peace with them, as far as it depended on me.

When I got there, I parked behind one of the dozen or so cars thatwere there. After getting out of my car, I spotted through a windshieldof another car Alex and Pastor Meddler talking with someone else. Myfirst thought was to go over to them and embrace them both with thewords, I know were not supposed to talk to each other, but I believe


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these circumstances grant us all an excuse from that legality. I didnttrust Pastor Meddler at all, so I decided not to do that.

What I did do was to walk on up the front yard to a couple ofwomen who were talking on the sidewalk. I offered my hand as a

greeting to the older of the two women, and explained who I was. Wow!She must not have heard of me or the trouble I had caused! She wasreally nice to me. She turned out to be the sister of the woman who haddied.

As it turns out, the reason the young lady never came back toBible study was because she had contracted pneumonia, something sheonly found out the day before she died. When she was diagnosed andsent home, her son went to get her meds and bring them home. Shetook them, went to bed, woke up the next morning, had a phoneconversation with another lady from her Bible study group, and then

died shortly thereafter, sitting in a chair in her living room.

I expressed my condolences, and then inquired as to the officerswho were present. I saw a county Sheriffs squad car, and a city policecar. I figured that if the chief of police was there, that was good for me.I knew him, he knew me, and we could chat a bit. I also knew a few ofthe deputies in our county, so I was hoping to hit a double here. Thechief and a deputy were inside conducting an investigation to rule outany foul play.

As I was talking to the sister, Pastor Meddler and Alex walked up

to the womans father who was in the corner of the front porch weepingand sobbing over his precious daughter. Unfortunately, he too was aPlaintiff. But I knew that once Alex and Pastor Meddler saw me, theywould make a bee-line for the father. This was quite uncomfortable asyou can imagine. When I was talking to the sister, I saw Pastor Meddlerbend over and whisper something to the father. I knew my time therewould be limited.

The sister directed me to the back door where I could enter thehouse and talk to the police. But I stopped at the back door, notwanting to foul up their investigation with my muddy shoes or

fingerprints. So after hanging out back, praying desperately for wisdom,I headed back around front. I found the sister again and asked her if shewould mind stepping into the house with me, as I didnt feelcomfortable. She agreed and off we went.

As I took off my shoes and attempted to enter behind her, a mancame from behind and began raising his voice to the sister. Ted [thefather] dont want him here. He wants him out o here! I paused and


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looked at the sister, and she at me. The man repeated himself a littlelouder. Im sorry, who are you? I asked. Im the ex-son-in-law andTed dont want you here. To that I simply responded, Im sorry, I dontknow you but Ill be happy to see you in just a moment. The man didntlike that too much so he got even louder, saying to the sister, Hes the

reason why she stopped going to that church!

He had made enough noise by that time that the deputy came tothe back door. Ooops. It wasnt a deputy I knew, so that just turned upthe heat a bit more for me. The look on the deputys face and herpresence made it clear I needed to keep things calm by leaving. Shewatched as I put on my shoes and made sure I left. While walking fromthe back to the front, the sister apologized for the rude behavior andasked me to pray for the family.

While leaving, I caught the man out of the corner of my right eye.

I turned around and walked up to him, offering my hand with a greeting.Im sorry, I didnt introduce myself. Im Rob Wilkerson. He grippedmy hand and I honestly thought he was going to crush it and snap itright off my wrist! He simply responded with incredible rudeness, HiRob! Bye! And with that he swung me away from him rather forcefullywith the hand he was shaking and pushed me on the shoulder with theother hand.

Remember that anger thing I just confessed a couple of pagesago? I suppose a little fleshly anger got in the way. So I held on to hishand tightly as he swung me out of the way and I pulled him somewhat

forcefully back to me. I must have been feeling fleshly because thisfellow was much bigger than I. As I intimated before, sinful anger makesyou act foolish.

I was in his face now, just inches away. Im sorry, I didnt getyour name. Id just like to know the name of the man who is kicking meoff this property, while Im trying to minister to the family. He said,Im Brian, followed by the last name of the woman who had died.

I then said to him, Brian, Im the pastor at Waverly Hall BaptistChurch. Your ex-wife is still a church member there, and I was her

pastor for as long as she attended there. I loved her very much, and Ilove her family very much. And I dont think we really want to foul upthis sorrowful time by making a scene.

He grabbed my hand a little tighter, the pain making me wince,and he responded angrily in a lower, softer tone of voice, I really dontcare what you think. Now get out of here! And he shoved me thattime! Oh, buddy! It was feeling like throw-down time! Wrestling


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moves from my childhood days watching WWF began flooding my mind.I imagined myself jumping on the hood of the Suburban behind me anddoing a flying scissor kick. I imagined bouncing him off the peach treebehind him and following through with a close line, finishing him off witha back-souffl. Its amazing how fast all of that flowed through my mind

within one to two seconds. And then the Spirit of God stepped in withHis body slam. I was immediately reminded of Pauls words to Timothy.

For it is not right for the Lord's servant to make trouble, buthe is to be gentle to all, ready in teaching, putting up withwrong, gently guiding those who go against the teaching; ifby chance God may give them a change of heart and trueknowledge, and so they may get themselves free from thenet of the Evil One, being made the prisoners of the Lord'sservant, for the purpose of God (2 Tim. 2:24-26, BBE).

Everyones eyes were suddenly turned toward us. He hadevidently made a scene when he shoved me. I felt embarrassed. Pridekicked in, unfortunately, and I turned and walked away hurt andashamed. I was humiliated in front of a dozen people! So I walkeddown to my car, off their property and simply waited for the chief ofpolice to come out of the house.

Well, he had already come out and had seen the small altercation.So he followed me down, not too far behind. I met him in the middle ofthe street and shook his hand and greeted him warmly. We knew eachother and had talked several times together. But this time he was not

very warm to me at all. He was cold, and had a firm look in his eye thattold me I needed to make it short before he give me a citation, or betteryet book me! So I told him I would be praying for the family and I left.

So youre probably laughing at me now. Thats okay. I can take itnow. Im over it! Lets do a review then. What went wrong? I hadforgotten the phrase in Romans 12:18, as far as it depends on you. Ihad done all I could. And instead of leaving the rest to the Lord, I onceagain internalized the offense which should have been passed on toGod.

As I said before, I had envisioned this young womans death as thebeginning of a peaceful healing. You know how it is when death occurs.People are generally softened. Thats what I thought would happen tothe Plaintiffs who were involved. And so I thought I could be apeacemaker. But how often do we try to make peace when it is notGods timing? When we dont wait on God, we jump to our time table.And since we are sinful and depraved, our motivations turn selfish and


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we begin to want to make peace because we are being inconvenienced.Perhaps this was lurking around in my heart again.

3. Always Forgive Your Theological Foes Because They May NotKnow What They are Doing.

Later that weekend, while I was out of town for Thanksgiving, Ireceived a letter which I found when I got back into town. It was fromTeds lawyer. The lawyer introduced himself and then relayed a requestfrom Ted that I not visit him, not attend visitation at the funeral home,nor attend the funeral service. I was again crushed, disappointed, andfrustrated. Here I was again, reading mail from a lawyer telling me Icant do what God has called me to do for the people He called me toshepherd.

I recalled Jesus being in a very similar situation. John recalls that,

He came to what was his own, but his own people did not receive him(1:11). I then remembered that I was in good company. Now, if I couldonly act, think and feel like Christ did toward His own, I would be betteroff.

Looking back on that particular scenario, I was so disillusioned,irritated, angry, and more than anything, just plain ashamed. You see,my Christ, while being murdered on a cross, looked down on those whowere killing him and prayed that God would forgive them. Yet I gotpushed and shoved, had my hand slightly crushed, and got a letter froma lawyer telling me to stay away from my church members. I was a

embarrassed, and my pride was hurt.

But instead of forgiving, I got angry and irritated. Oh, how unlikethe Chief Shepherd I am! That attitude plagued me for the rest of theweek and on into the next. I got alone in my church office and prayeddesperately for the Lord to correct that in me, and had a season ofrepentance. I wanted the heart of Jesus and Stephen who prayed thatGod would not hold the sins of their murderers against them (Luke23:34; Acts 7:60)!

The Lord was about to test that repentance, however. The

beginning of the next week, first thing in the morning, I got a call fromour lawyer saying the judge had issued his order. Buddy went down tothe courthouse to pick it up. We were the first to lay eyes on it,evidently. I wished I never had. It was even more discouraging than thevisitation incident.

In short, the judges order granted everything the Plaintiffswanted, and a little bit more. In that order, he spent the first half of his


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ruling citing findings of facts and conclusions of law that were clearly inour favor. Yet in the last half it was as if he had ignored what was in thefirst half. His order was that anyone who is a church member,regardless if they had been to church or not in the last twenty, thirty, orforty years, were permitted to vote on whether or not to terminate me

as pastor. Everyone, that is, except the new members who had joinedthe church after I came on a pastor! Is that biased or what?

It gets worse. Only those who were members prior to January 18,2004 the date of the vote to call me were allowed to vote on whetheror not to terminate the service of our deacons. Now our church bylawsprovided no mechanism for terminating deacons, and recognizing that,the judge ruled anyway that he would permit it. And just as bad was hisorder that the church would also vote on whether or not my wife and I,in addition to one other church family, were going to be allowed to bemembers of the church. His order came in that sequence, and he

ordered that it was to be voted upon in that sequence. Thus, hisprejudice was revealed to be even deeper.

Finally, as if it couldnt get any worse, he appointed our femalecounty registrar, who was head of elections in our county, to (1) show upon December 12, during our morning worship service, and preside inauthority over our congregation from the pulpit to read a noticeregarding the vote; and (2) show up on December 19, at noon to presideover the voting.

We obviously had a problem with that since 1 Timothy 2:12

teaches, I do not allow a woman toexercise authority over a man.The judge was, in essence, commanding us to disobey the Scriptures onthis point, as well as commanding us to end our worship service by acertain time on December 19 so that an unbiblical vote could take place.

Further, the voting procedures were ridiculous. First, the registrarwould show up with signs in the churchs lawn directing people where toenter the building to vote. A line would be formed either inside oroutside the building, behind a registration table. When they came to thetable, they were to bring a picture I.D. with them to verify name andmembership. After verification of their name with the official

membership roll book, they would be directed to one of two votingbooths, pull the curtain behind them, and commence to casting theirballot. In other words, our church was to be turned into a votingprecinct. I even wondered if they would allow us to do some candidatingand politicking outside, passing out buttons, flags, bumper stickers, andlapel pins saying, I voted AGAINST the Pastor!


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Well, my repentance was weighed and found wanting that daywhen this verdict was handed down. I sulked for a while. Bad news isalways worse for me when Im alone. And there I was, alone at home,waiting for my wife to get back from picking up the boys from school.The anger hit me full force once again. I felt it surging through my body,

and it didnt leave that sensation one gets when eating York PeppermintPatty! It almost felt like a sudden onslaught of demonic oppression.Regardless of whether it was my flesh or demons, the solution wassimple: stop, drop and pray. But I didnt do that, for some reason. Icontinued to sulk instead, meditating on the hurt and the pain.

So I let the flesh keep on building for those few minutes. I tried tomake a phone call on my mobile phone, and I kept getting a systembusy signal. The building anger exploded on an innocent cell phone as Ichucked it as hard as I could into the wooded lot next to my house. As itwatched it sailing over the trees I thought to myself, Self, youre such a

stinking idiot. Go over there and get the phone and stop acting like ababy! So I went inside and got the cordless phone and started callingmy cell phone so I could find it. I didnt hear it ring. But by Gods grace,I did eventually find it, though a piece of it went missing.

But the anger hadnt subsided yet. So I looked around for asomething metal and something hard. A portion of our yard was filledwith all kinds of junk from the previous residents. (Remember, I live inthe South!) I found an axle to a tractor, picked it up, and like somefoolish looking little child, found a tree and started beating it with thataxle. It then found its way traveling into the woods like my phone.

Friends, I feel absolutely embarrassed to write this down, but I didit in hopes that it may encourage some of you. I know Im not the onlyone whose ever acted with such sinful anger and childish behavior.Regardless of who you are or what your issues are, youre not the onlyone struggling with bitterness and anger. Even us pastors do, andrather frequently it seems!

But this is not how our Savior acted when sinful people made himangry, was it? He didnt throw things into the woods. Instead, He wentinto the woods to pray. He found solace in solitude, and submitted His

will to the Heavenly Father. Theres never any record of Christ throwingsomething or beating trees when He got angry. My response was utterlysinful. But I praise God for the righteousness of Christ, for justification,for God declaring me not guilty of what I had done all because He hadalready poured out His wrath against my sinfulness on Jesus as Hesuffered and died for me. God had forgiven me because of Jesus Christ.


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Now, theres nothing wrong, to be sure, with ridding oneself oftension. As I said before, we can be angry, but we must not sin in ouranger, as Paul exhorted in Ephesians 4:26. But what was wrong with methat day and every other day I was angry - was the residue of sin in myheart. For in that invisible space no one else could see but God alone,

dwelled sinful anger, bitterness, resentment, and even hatred. If it werepossible, I would have turned into the Incredible Hulk and gone off onsome rampage.

This was the same sort of anger that I displayed toward Alex thatafternoon in my bedroom with my wife. Evil and malicious thoughtswere running through my head too fast to comprehend. That, inparticular is what made me think I was being oppressed by the enemy. Icant come up with evil thoughts that quickly. But if they were there, Igave room to them, as Paul commands me not to do in Ephesians 4:27.Right on the heels on commanding us not to be sinful in our anger, Paul

writes, Do not give the devil an opportunity.

But do you know why the anger was so hard to repent of? Heresthe crux of this third point here. There was only one reason why I hadsuch a hard time repenting. I had not truly forgiven Alex and hiscohorts for what they had done to me, the leadership, and ourlittle flock. For if I had truly forgiven them, I would not have reacted insuch anger. Instead, there would have been an attitude like that ofJesus and Stephen in their hours of death. When forgiveness is absent,only bitterness is present. I love the way Eugene Peterson translatedthe counsel of Hebrews 12:15.

Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep asharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or twogone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time (TheMessage).

Right on the heels of Pauls counsel regarding anger, bitterness,

wrath, malice, clamor and slander, in Ephesians 4:26-31, he closes thatsection with the solution to it all.

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one

another, just as God in Christ has also forgiven you.

Could there be any greater deathblow to my heart which wasalready bleeding from so much pain! Christ has forgiven me; me afilthy, vile, wretched sinner who had committed spiritual murder; me apastor who snapped at his kids and yelled at his wife. Me a pastor whothrew his mobile phone in the woodswho beat a tree with a tractor


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axle. Me a pastor who imagined myself performing wrestling moveson a man who hurt me and embarrassed me.

My sins are as many as the sands on the beach, and yet Godwiped them all away because of Christ. God chosen to remember my

sins no more. He chose to not count them against me (Psa. 32:2), but toput them behind Him (Isa. 38:17), throwing them as far as the east isfrom the west (Psa. 103:12).

The spiritual logic lesson here was as simple as it gets: If my sinsare great and many, and God forgave me, I must forgive Alex and thePlaintiffs, though their sins are great and many. This was a major part ofthe Model Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13. And forgive us our sins, as wehave forgiven those who have sinned against us (v. 12, ISV).Immediately following that prayer, Jesus felt that a most important topicin that prayer was the issue of forgiveness. So He continued by

teaching,

For if you forgive men for their transgressions, yourheavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do notforgive men, then your Father will not forgive yourtransgressions (vv. 14, 15, NAS).

If there were one book, besides the Bible, that has helped memore than any other in this area of forgiveness, it would be R. T.Kendalls book, Total Forgiveness. My friend and fellow elder in a formerchurch, Phil Bradt, recommended this book to me one day on a trip we

were taking together. He talked about the impact it made on his ownlife. But God sovereignly saved that recommendation and brought it tomy mind with full force during this particular course of my tribulation. Ihad purchased it during the first couple of weeks of my ministry here,not knowing how badly I would need it later.

It was while I was sulking that day I yelled at my wife in mybedroom, that the Lord brought Phils recommendation to mind. Goddid it again later on after my second bout with sinful anger. And youdont have to read far into Kendalls book before you read the clear,biblical, and undeniable meaning of true forgiveness.

The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place whenwe sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurtus off the hook even if they have hurt not only us, but alsothose close to us.1

11 Kendall, R. T. Total Forgiveness (Lake Mary, FL: Charisma House, 2002), p. 4.If there was only one book I could recommend to hurting pastors who have beenoffended, bruised, hurt, and almost slain by their parishioners, it would be Kendalls


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The ensuing conversation which Kendall has with the Lord wasshocking to me. I thought he had stolen my own conversation with God!But his happened many years before mine, and it happened partly inorder to give me comfort and much needed guidance in my own

struggle to forgive, which seems undoubtedly much like Kendalls. Itwas right after Kendall felt the Lords instruction to him above that theconversation continued.

However, after a few moments, it was as if the Lord said tome, Do you know what you are asking Me to do?

I thought I knew the answer to His question, so I said, Yes.

He then seemed to reply, Are you now asking Me to setthem free as if they had done nothing wrong?

That sobered me! I needed some time to think, but while Ipondered His words, the Lord reminded me of the sins forwhich He had forgiven me. I became frightened of thepossibility that He might reveal or let come out some ofthe terrible things I had done.

I then humbly prayed, Yes, Lord, I ask You to forgivethem.

He then asked, Do you mean that I should bless and

prosper them?

Once more I needed a little time. Then the Lord seemed tosay, What if I forgive and bless you R. T., in proportion tohow you want Me to forgive and bless them?

By this time I was boxed into a corner, and I surrendered. Ibegan to sincerely pray for them to be forgiven and blessedas though they had caused me no offense. But I cannottruly say that my prayer was particularly godly orunselfish.2

book. It effectively yet gently applies the healing balm of the gospel of Christ to theheart so that one is able to come to view our offenders as God viewed us unworthyyet unending recipients of His superabounding love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Icannot give this book any higher recommendation to such a group of persons aspastors.22 Ibid, pp. 4-5.


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Reading Kendalls encounter with the Lord was the mostconvicting thing I had ever read throughout the course of this lawsuit.By Gods grace, through the truth of the gospel of forgiveness, I wasenabled to pray for my theological foes, my church-splitters in the sameway and for the same things Kendall was enabled to pray for. The

gospel is truly powerful. It is powerful enough to convict me of mysinfulness before God and of the assurance of His forgiveness for mysins. And it continues to be powerful enough to overcome my feelings ofbitterness and unforgiveness toward those who oppose me, helping meto love them in the same way Jesus loved me.

So you see, though I have had a larger portion of trials andtribulations with respect to my theology and ministry, I am not themodel pastor by any stretch of the imagination. I am not the example Iwould want to follow in someone else. Thankfully, no one saw me yell atmy wife and kids, throw my phone, and beat that tree. I wasnt

embarrassed publicly by those shameful acts. But I was convictedprivately and rather sorely at that. There Christ was, standing beforethe eyes of my soul as One perfect, holy, blameless and beautiful.

For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered foryou, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. Hecommitted no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. Whenhe was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered,he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to Godwho judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body onthe tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for

righteousness (1 Peter 2:21-24).

I do not deserve this Savior, and I do not deserve another singlechance to repent. I have miserably failed so many times that it is awonder He does not just flush me from ministry permanently and moveon to someone else. But as Peter finishes verse 24, by his wounds youwere healed. Ive been healed of my sinful anger. I was healed at thecross. And though I was going astray like sheep, now I have turnedback to the shepherd and guardian of my soul. That is only because ofthe Spirit of God within me whom God the Father put there as the seal ofmy redemption (Eph. 1:12-13). Praise God for the gospel of His grace.

4. Dont Get Irritated Over Other Peoples Foolishness andSilliness

Heres irony for you. Here I was acting foolish and childish, but Iwasnt the only one! In the fall of 2003 I cant remember exactly when my wife and I were eating dinner one Tuesday night when the phonerang. Isnt Caller ID great? As I looked at the little green LCD screen


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on my cordless phone, it gave the number of the person who wascalling, and under it read the real name of the woman you have come toknow as Mrs. Stopwatch. You remember her. Shes the woman Iintroduced to you at the beginning of this book, the one who told me Ineeded to be done with my sermons within twenty minutes.

I showed the phone to my wife and we were both stunned. Ipanicked and asked her what we should do. My wife is so smart. Shesaid, Answer it! So I did. Hello. The voice on the other endresponded, Who is Sammy Turner? Excuse me, I replied. Who isSammy Turner? There was one problem in these introductory words. Iknew the voice of Mrs. Stopwatch very well, and this was not her voice.

Without going into much detail suffice it say that Sammy Turnerand his wife and daughter were all good friends of mine. They allattended our Wednesday night Bible studies at the church. A week or

two earlier, Sammy had written an editorial responding, if I recall rightly,to the local Judges verdict. I wish time and space afforded me theopportunity to insert it here, but that would severely sidetrack us. Inshort, Sammy was defending us, and attacking the governmentsinvolvement in church affairs, and the clear violation of our firstamendment rights.

Evidently, Sammys editorial got under Mrs. Stopwatchs skin, orrather, whoever was pretending to be her. What makes this all so muchmore funny is that Mrs. Stopwatch is in her mid seventies. So here isthis seventy-something year old woman, putting one of her elderly

friends up to calling the pastor to find out who Sammy Turner wasbecause they didnt like his comments in the paper.

As I recall the phone conversation with the supposed Mrs.Stopwatch, I responded to her question about the identity of SammyTurner with my own question. Who is this? My Caller ID says this isMrs. Stopwatchs house calling me, but this isnt Mrs. Stopwatch. Who isthis? I asked.

Im just passing through town, she said in a rather curt manner.You can guess my follow up question. So youre passing through town

and you just happen to be calling from Mrs. Stopwatchs house? I toldyou Im just passin through town. Now are you gonna tell me whoSammy Turner is or not? she persisted. Is he a member of WaverlyHall Baptist Church? she asked.

No, I believe Sammy is a member of a church in Hamilton, Ireplied. He was actually a member of the Methodist Church in Hamilton,a nearby town about twelve miles away, but I didnt want to reveal


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everything to this stranger. Her response almost made me break outlaughing because of the persistent poking around for useful information.Well, does he live in Hamilton? I dont think so, I answered, Ibelieve he lives in Waverly Hall. She then asked me, You dont knowwhere he lives? I responded, You can certainly look him up in the

phone book if you like. She then hung up on me.

I had a sneaking suspicion that it was Mrs. Nosey on the phone.You remember her, dont you? She was Mrs. Stopwatchs sister, the onewho told me the Holy Spirit couldnt save anybody after twenty minutesof preaching. I figured that Sammys editorial got under their skin, andthey were going to set out on a mission to find out who this guy was.After all, they were assuming that if this fellow lived in Waverly Hall,certainly he wouldnt be siding with us. My wife was a bit smarter thanI. She surmised that they were calling to find out if Sammy was amember of our church. If so, we would have been guilty of violating the

judges injunction against allowing new members to join, and they wouldhave had more dirt on us to report.

The next morning, a friend of mine was in the post office andoverheard a conversation between Mrs. Stopwatch and another local.They were gossiping about me, of course. My friend who overheard theconversation didnt know what it meant, so she called me with the info.What she heard was so funny I almost fell over laughing.

Mrs. Stopwatch presumed from her sisters conversation with methat Sammy Turner was a fictional character. Her conclusion was that

Sammy Turner was a name I had chosen as a sort of ghost writer towrite an editorial in the paper to make it look like someone in WaverlyHall was on my side. I called up Sammy Turner and we both had thelaugh of our lives. I showed up the next night at Bible study with anametag that read, Hello. My name is Pastor Rob, a.k.a. SammyTurner. We all had a good laugh that night as we recalled the sillinessand foolishness of the prank call and childish conclusions.

My point in relaying all of this is that no one got irritated over it.We used it as an opportunity to remain lighthearted and jovial about thewhole matter. It merely confirmed for us the wavelength on which these

folks were broadcasting, if you get my drift. All they seemed to be ableto resort to were silly reasoning tactics to bulk up their side.

The Proverbs have something to say about handling such matters.Solomon wrote, Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his gloryto overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11). Thankfully, I had good sensewhen I got this silly phone call. And recalling this verse, I knew it wouldonly turn out to my honor to overlook it with forgiveness and humor.


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Dont let petty or even bigger issues irritate and frustrate you. It canonly turn out for the glory and honor of your reputation by actingtowards others the way God acts towards you overlooking youroffenses.

5. Dont Let Your Soul Be Downcast Because of YourTheological Enemies

One of the most important things to do when you are facingconflict is to talk to yourself. Yes, I said talk to yourself. Its not a badthing, and it is not necessarily a sign of dementia! David, the psalmist,did it frequently. And Ive found that it is a very necessary practice inmy life in order to keep my heart from going astray, to sort of jerk me upby the lapels and shake me to order. In Psalm 42:5-11 we get to listenin on a conversation David was having with himself once.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you inturmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me;therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and ofHermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roarof your waterfalls; all you breakers and your waves havegone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfastlove, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God ofmy life. I say to God, my rock: Why have you forgotten me?Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of theenemy?Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are

you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall againpraise him, my salvation and my God (ESV).

It was my failure to talk to my soul, to preach the gospel to mysoul, to tell my soul the truth about my trials and tribulations andenemies that led to the most severe bout with depression Ive ever hadin my entire brief and young life. It was just after New Years, and I haddriven home from Sherris parents house. We stopped by the mailboxwhich by now had become a place of wretchedness for me, as you canwell imagine. That little 4X6 inch metal box had come to hold more badnews (bills not included!) than it ever had good news.

In the box that day was a personal letter from Pastor Meddler.Here is just a snippet of what he wrote to me in that three paged letter.

llllll

If I had never read who signed the letter, I would have thought theletter was from a friend. It was written with such cordiality. But the


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the sin that sends people to hell. It is the refusal to believe what Godsays over against what my circumstances say. And yet it is this belief,this hope, that sets the believer apart from the world, apart from thosewho have no hope. It is our ability to see with our heart what we cannotsee with our eyes; that divine strength to lay hold of eternal truth

regardless of what my feelings say, what my circumstances say, whatmy enemies say.

Talk to your soul as I did mine. Tell yourself the truth that yourGod loves you and that nothing will ever be able to separate you fromHis love for you in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:31-39). God is for you, notagainst you. If He gave His only Son for you, you can bet your life on thetruth that He will give everything else to you also, including rescuingand deliverance from your trials and tribulations. If God has killed HisSon for you, and justified you, who can separate you from His love foryou? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or

nakedness, or danger, or sword? (Rom. 8:35). The only correctresponse is, No, in all these things we are more than conquerorsthrough Him who loved us. Tell yourself this truth and cling to it withevery fiber of your being. It is the truth.

6. Trust in the Sovereign God of the Universe to Work Out AllThings Including Your Theological Foes for Your Good and HisGlory

I couldnt end this chapter without giving one last thing to dowhen facing theological foes and the terrible consequences they seem

to wreak upon us. Trust in God. Trust Him in everything, includingthose times when you will have absolutely no recourse whatsoever torepair the damage. That was another hard lesson to learn.

After appealing the decision by the Superior Court Judge, we wentto the Appeals Court of the State of Georgia in April of 2005. Each sidewas given a maximum of fifteen minutes to argue their case and answerany questions the three judge panel may have had. Our side arguedfirst.

Wray argued vigorously regarding the real facts of the case,

showing how they expose the real motivation and undermininginfluences of those who were suing us. But just before hisargumentation began, one of the judges remarked that he had read ourcase with great interest so much so that he came back from thebathroom break early just to hear it! He introduced our case to thecourtroom with this statement. When I read through your case Ithought you were describing my own church! Wray answered that inhis experience with churches, the things that were going on in our little


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church seemed to be happening in many other churches all around thecountry.

That was a humorous remark, to be sure, but it quickly turnedfrom humor to disappointment when a few moments later, that same

judge blurted out this comment as Wray completed his arguments:Well, we dont call em Calvinists in our church. To this Wrayresponded, Well, your honor, Im sure that you at least refer to themChristians. Do you really want to know the judges response to that?He said, No, we dont even call em that much!

Now I ask you, the reader, what do you do when you hear such anincredibly biased statement against our theological position from anappellate level judge? Ill tell you what you do. You just sit there andtake it, because theres absolutely not one thing you can do about it.Remember the earlier lesson about talking to yourself. This is the time

to do it, friend. Talk to yourself about Gods sovereignty the wayJeremiah did in his time of tribulation. Listen to the way theContemporary English Version translates Jeremiahs words.

He chased me into a dark place, where no light couldenter...He attacked and surrounded me with hardships andtrouble; he forced me to sit in the dark like someone longdead. God built a fence around me that I cannot climb over,and he chained me downGod put big rocks in my way andmade me follow a crooked pathGod took careful aim andshot his arrows straight through my heartI am a joke to

everyone-- no one ever stops making fun of me. God hasturned my life sour. He made me eat gravel and rubbed mein the dirt. I cannot find peace or remember happiness. Itell myself, I am finished! I can't count on the LORD to doanything for me. Just thinking of my troubles and my lonelywandering makes me miserable. That's all I ever thinkabout, and I am depressed. Then I remember somethingthat fills me with hope. The LORD's kindness never fails! Ifhe had not been merciful, we would have been destroyed.The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy eachmorning. Deep in my heart I say, The LORD is all I need; I

can depend on him! The LORD is kind to everyone whotrusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for theLORD to save us. When we are young, it is good to strugglehard and to sit silently alone, if this is what the LORDintends. Being rubbed in the dirt can teach us a lesson; wecan also learn from insults and hard knocksHe causes a lotof suffering, but he also has pity because of his great love.The Lord doesn't enjoy sending grief or painNo one can do


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anything without the Lord's approval. Good and bad eachhappen at the command of God Most High (Lam. 3:2, 5-7,9, 12-38)

Clearly, my case was not at all like Jeremiahs. The context there

is all about Gods just and righteous anger being poured out againstIsrael because of their unrepentance toward all Gods warnings andmercies. This lamentation was being cried in the midst of the Assyriandestruction of Israel. My lamentation is being cried in the midst ofseemingly ungodly people ruining the reputation of Jesus Christ in thecommunity and splitting a church for no good reason! But goodhermeneutics teaches us that of the primary doctrines in this case,Gods mercy never fails. For this reason, He can be trusted. If we learnto root our trust of God in Gods faithfulness to always be good to us andlove us and show us mercy, we will grow to love His unexplainablesovereign ways.

When we got together with our lawyers after the arguments, webatted around the idea of asking for a recusal of that judge on the basisof his bias. We argued back and forth about the advantages anddisadvantages of taking this action. You can imagine how such a movemight impact the verdict for us, cant you? If we try to have himrecused, how will the other judges look at us? What will they thinkabout us? But should we allow him to get away with a bias that clearlyreveals his own personal theological opinion about our theologicalviews? Isnt that wrong for a judge to talk and think in such a way?

What did we do? Our lawyers decided it was in the best interest ofjustice to request a recusal for this judge. And the lesson I learned inthis particular instance was that I must always trust God especially inthose circumstances over which I have zero control. I could not haveany influence or sway over that judge one way or the other. I wastotally helpless. And there will be many times in your own life andministry where you too will be totally helpless, unable to say anything ordo anything that might help you out a little.

The only thing you can do is to sit and wait quietly for the Lord,just like Jeremiah. Thats just what we did, by Gods enabling grace. So

I dont know why God allowed the judge to say such clearly biasedthings. I dont know why God ordained that our recusal was rejected.And I dont know what the verdict will be concerning our case. But I doknow that God loves me. He loves our flock. He sent His Son to die forus all. If these things are true, surely He will not abandon us. He can betrusted. His unexplainable and mysterious sovereignty is alwaysrooted in His goodness and love toward us. As one Christiansongwriter wrote many years ago, God is too wise to be mistaken; and


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Download - Double Double, Toil & Trouble: Part 4 - Chapter 16 - How Not to Handle Conflict

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