Joe Bloggs is an average student. He thinks that the following are
great sentences, because they use words from the prompt.
PROMPT:PROMPT:
Convince your parents you need a raise in your allowance.
Joe’s sentence:Joe’s sentence:There are several reasons I need
more allowance.
PROMPT:PROMPT:
Convince your parents to listen to your music.
Joe’s sentence:Joe’s sentence: Mom, there are many reasons you should listen to my music.
PROMPT:PROMPT:
The dropout rate is currently 16. Should it be lowered? Support
your answer.
Joe’s sentence:Joe’s sentence: The dropout age is too low for
several reasons.
These sentences are satisfactory, but boring. They use dead words that you should not use in your
writing.
Here are some words to avoid:
DO NOT USE THEM IN DO NOT USE THEM IN SIMPLE SENTENCES AS THE SIMPLE SENTENCES AS THE
MAIN VERB.MAIN VERB.
feels
looks
seems
becomes
acts
seems
do/does
is
was
were
are
am
have
For example:
Don’t say: The light was bright.
SAY: The searing light of the sun stabbedstabbed my eyes.
The verb “stabbed” is an action, and it conveys information better
than “was” plus an adjective.
Additionally, the new sentence gives you a sense of setting and
purpose.
Look at the following sentence and read the revision.
1.The boy was lonely.
Standing at the grave, tears streaming down his sunken cheeks and staining his starched white shirt and tie, the boy remembered what it was like to have someone love him; he knew the sun would never shine again, now that the drunk driver had
stolen his mother.
This is a better sentence because it uses dependent clauses
(Standing at the grave, tears streaming down his sunken
cheeks,)
to set the mood.
The verbs are actions, not helping verbs:
(“remembered,” “stolen,”)
The reader is given much more information about the why of the loneliness, through the images of
the tear-stained tie and the gravesite, along with the
universal tragedy of the drunk driver.
Look at these revisions for the prompts that Joe Bloggs messed
up on:
“Getting paid for doing your job is good, right?” I asked my
parents one night after cleaning the toilets in our 2 and ½
bathrooms.
Getting allowance teaches you about responsibility and finance.
“Music is a soothing way to make your body shake and
mambo,” I told my mother and father.
Our generation expresses itself through music.
The dropout age is now 16. In the year 2050, if this continues, think how bad a world this will
create.
Why start a job so early when you have a long life waiting
ahead?
In these examples, the students begin with questions, change
boring dead verbs for living ones, and generally get off to a good
start.
Read the next few sentences, then revised them, replacing the dead verbs with living ones, creating
images that stick with the reader.
1. The field trip was fun.
2. The little girl was sad.
3. The girl in the red dress was happy.
4. My teacher is slightly crazy and lots of fun.
5. My mom is mad at me.
6. My friend is mean to his sister.
7. These sentences are stupid.
8. The calico cat was a nice cat.
9. The little dog with the floppy ears was cute.
10. When I go to my grandparents' house, I
am happy.
11. School is sometimes boring.
12. My room is a mess.
13. She is my best friend, and we have fun
together.
14. The sky is blue with lots of fluffy clouds.
15. There are nasty brown roaches in my
backpack.
16. The classroom was noisy
17. The birthday party was awesome.
18. The skunk is smelly.
19. I am mad today.
