Download - Improve Your Social Skills
ContentsManifestoIntroductionChapter1:FoundationsHowtoUsetheGuideSettingGoalsforYourSocialSkillsJourneyOvercomingFearandSocialAnxietySocialAnxiety=PhysicalFearManipulationvs.TrueIntimacy
Chapter2:BodyLanguageComfort/Discomfort:TheCoreofBodyLanguageAFieldGuidetoComfortAFieldGuidetoDiscomfortUnderstandingBodyLanguageinContextYourBodyLanguage
Chapter3:ConversationTheSecretofConversationFlowInvitation:TheArtofGoodQuestionsInspiration:TheHeartbeatofGoodConversationInspirationinPracticeInvitationandInspirationinHarmonyBonus:TenEasyTipsforImprovingConversation
Chapter4:GroupConversationOpenandClosedGroupsJoiningGroupConversationsGroupConversationFlow
Chapter5:EmpathyUnderstandingYourselfUnderstandingOthersNonverbalEmpathy
Chapter6:MeetingPeopleFindingYourGroupEverydayConnections
Person-To-PersonConnectionsChapter7:MakingFriendsFindingGoodFriendsStartingaFriendshipDeepeningaNewFriendship
Chapter8:HowtoSupportYourFriendsSupportingFriendsintheMomentSupportingaFriendLongTermTakingCareofYourself
Chapter9:DatingHealthyRelationshipsDefinedHowtoHaveaHealthyRelationshipBeginningaRomanceFromFriendshiptoFirstKissBuildingaRelationshipWorthHavingSlowandSteady......WinsTheirHeart
Chapter10:HowtobeaGoodStorytellerHoldingInterestBuildingConnectionsASatisfyingConclusion
Chapter11:BestBlogPostsBetterEveryDayGiveit100FightBackTakeCareofYourselfandOthersTheCaseforSmallTalk3HobbiesthatTeachSocialSkillsHowtobeMoreSocialMakingGreatFirstImpressionswiththeNameGameHowtoMakeEyeContactOvercomingAnxiety:OneSimpleRule20SecondsofInsaneCourage
AbouttheAuthor
Manifesto
I
Ibelievethatyoudeserveaplacetobelong.
Ibelievethatyoudeserverelationshipswhereyoucanbeyourwholeself,yourrealself,theselfthatdoesn’thaveitallfiguredout,theselfthatmakesmistakes,theselfthathatesitselfsometimes.Ibelievethatyoudeservepeoplewhowillseeyourwholeselfandacceptyouwholeheartedly.
Ibelievethatwithinyouisthesparkofthedivine,thatyourscrewupsandyourbaggagedonothavethepowertodefineyou,thatnomatterwhatyouthinkofyourselfandnomatterthenamesthatothershavecalledyou,youareoverflowingwithbeautyandpassionandpotential.
Ibelievethatitisgoodthatyouarealive,andthatyourlifeisagifttothepeoplewholoveyouandtothepeoplewhohavenotmetyouyetbutwhowillloveyouoneday.
II
Ibelievethatyouwillfindpeoplewhowillhelpyoubelievethesethings,too.
Ibelievethatyouwillfindpeoplewhowillknowandloveallofyou,whowillknowyourscarsandhelpinyourhealing,whowillcounttheirrelationshipwithyouasoneoftheirmosttreasuredgifts.
Ibelievethatyouwillfindpeoplewhowillseetremendousbeautyinyou.
Ibelievetheywillhelpyouseeittoo.
III
Ibelievethatyouwillseetremendousbeautyinothers,andhelpthemseeittoo.
Ibelievethatyouwillspeakthewordsthatwillencouragesomeonenottogiveup,givethesmilethatwillbreakthroughsomeone’sdarkmood,betheshoulderforsomeonewhodesperatelyneedsasafeplacetocry.
Ibelieveyouwilllovepeoplesomuchithurts,andyouwillhelpthepeopleyoulovediscoverthebestofwhotheyare.
Ibelievethatyouwillseekthelonelyandoutcastandbeatruefriendtothem.
IV
Ibelievethateveryoneisworthfightingfor(includingyou.)Ibelieveweweremadetoloveourselvesandeachotherandlikewarriorswemustfightagainsteverythingthatholdsusbackfromthatlove.
IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillsbecauserelationshipsdon’thappenautomatically.Apathy,fear,awkwardness–allconspiretothwartconnection.Youhavetobepreparedtofightforyourrelationships.
Soweprepare.
Westudy.Wepractice.Wetrain.
Likeaswordsmanwhohasmasteredhisfootwork,welearntomovesmoothlyinconversation.Likeageneralreadstheterrain,welearntoreadsocialcuesandnonverbalsignals.Likeagrizzledveteran,wehavemadepeacewithourfear–andwedon’tletitholdusbackfromaction.
Nomatterwherewestart,wecangetbetter.Whethersocialbutterflyorsociallyawkward,westudy,wepractice,wetrain.
Daybyday,momentbymoment,welearnhowtobuildfriendshipsandhowtobeagoodfriendtoothers.Weknowournewskillswillhelpus–butmorethanthat,weknowthatourskillswillhelpusprotectothers.
Whenwereachoutwithlove,weprotectothersfromrejection,fromshame,fromhopelessness.Theimpactyoumakecanbeassmallasasmileandaslargeasasuicideaverted.
Inlove’sarmy,youwillbeamightywarrior.
V
Iwanttoliveinaworldwherenobodyfeelslikeareject.
Iwanttoliveinaworldwherenobodystandsalone.
Iwanttoliveinaworldwhereloveandacceptancemattermorethansuccessandpower.
Wedon’tliveinthatworld,forthemostpart.Butwecanhelpcreateit.
Youcanhelpcreateit.
Starttoday.
Introduction
ImproveYourSocialSkillsisacomprehensive,practicalguidetosocialskills.Itexplainsthecoreprinciplesofsocialinteractioninclear,easytofollowlessons.
IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillstobetheguideIdesperatelyneededduringmyownsocialstruggles.Growingup,Iwasthemostsociallyawkwardkidyouwouldeverhopetomeet.ButwhenIwasdiagnosedwithAsperger’sSyndromeinhighschool,Irealizedthatmysocialproblemswerecausedbyalackofsocialskills,notbysomeinherentflawinmycharacter.
Aftermydiagnosis,Istudiedsocialskillsformorethanadecade.OnJanuary1st,2012,IlaunchedImproveYourSocialSkills.comtosharewhatI'dlearnedwiththeworld.Hundredsofthousandsofpeoplevisitthesiteeveryyear,andtodayI'mproudtohelpanevenwideraudiencethroughtheImproveYourSocialSkillsbook.
Theguideyou'reabouttoreadisacompilationofthesocialprinciplesI'velearnedduringmylifetimeofpersonalsocialskillsstudy,aswellasthetechniquesIdevelopedwhileofferinghundredsofhoursofsocialskillscoaching.Itoffersdetailedblueprintsforbasicskillslikeconversationandbodylanguageindepth,andprovidesclearexplanationsforcomplextopicslikeempathy,makingfriends,anddating.
IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillstosharetheprinciplesthathavechangedmylife.Theseprinciplesledmetoalifefullofclosefriendship,satisfyingconnection,andtenderromance.IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillsbecauseIwanteveryonetohavethatkindoflife.
Ibelieveyoudeserveaplacetobelong.Ibelievethatyoucanlivealifefulltothebrimwithfriendship,connection,andlove.IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillstohelpyoubelieveit,too.
Chapter1:Foundations
WhenIwasincollege,IsignedupforaninternshipwithStudentsInternational,anorganizationthatworksamongthepoorintheDominicanRepublic.IwasassignedtotheconstructionoutreachwhereRudy,theDominicanconstructionleader,taughtmeagreatdealaboutbothconstructionandlife.
Oneday,afterwe’dspenthourspainstakinglylayingafoundationforahouseandmakingsureeverythingwasperfect,heturnedtomeandsaid,
“Wealwaysspendmoretimeonthefoundationbecausethefoundationiseverything.Ifthefoundationissolid,thehousewillbestrong.Ifthefoundationiscrooked,thehousewillbeflawed.It’sthesamethingwithyourlife—ifthefoundationofyourlifeisinsolidthings,youwillbestrong.Ifyousetyourfoundationincrookedthings,youwillcrumble.”
(HetalkedlikethatALLtheTIME.ItwaslikebuildinghouseswithYoda.)
IthinkRudywasontosomething.
Ifyoutakethetimetolayyourfoundationright,thenyouwillbesuccessfulinwhateveryou’rebuilding–whetherahouse,alife,orasetofsocialskills.
That’swhatthis“Foundations”sectionisabout.Iwroteittohelpyouthinkthroughthewaysocialskillsaffectyourownlife.Thisguideisaverypowerfultool,butbeforeyoupickupanytool,youneedtoknowwhatyou’retryingtobuild.Iknowyouareprobablyeagertogetstartedonthe“meat”oftheguide,buttrustme(or,ifyouprefer,trustRudy.)
Thefoundationmustcomefirst.
Foundationscontainsfourlessons:
HowtoUsetheGuide
Herearesomeguidelinestohelpyougetthemostoutoftheguide
SettingGoalsForYourSocialSkillsJourney
Whyareyoutryingtolearnsocialskills?Whatareyourgoals?Whathasyourhistorywithsocialskillsbeen?Whereareyou,andwhereareyougoing?
OvercomingFearAndSocialAnxiety
Socialinteractioncanbescary,andit’seasyforfeartoholdusback.Butitispossibletoovercomeyourfear,andinthissectionIshowyouhow.
Manipulationvs.TrueIntimacy
Someothersocialskillsgurusrecommendusingsocialskillstomanipulateothersintodoingwhatyouwant.Buttrulyfulfillingrelationshipsarebuiltontrustandrespect,notmanipulationanddeceit.
HowtoUsetheGuide
Youmayusetheguidehoweveryouseefit.Readtheentirethinginonesitting.Skiparoundtothesectionsthatinterestyoumost.Readitoutloudtoyourcat.Theworldistrulyyouroyster.
Butifyouwanttogetthemostoutoftheguide,Ihavesomeadviceforyou.
Readtheguideinorder.Thelaterchaptersreferenceconceptsfromearlierchaptersandcovermoreadvancedtopics.Itisparticularlyimportanttoreadinorderwithinchapters,sincethesectionsineachchapterbuilddirectlyononeanother.Youarewelcometoskiparoundallyoulike,butifyoufindthatacertainchapterorsectiondoesn’tmakesense,yourbestbetistogobackandreadwhatyoumissed.
Practicewhatyoulearn.Theonlywaytolearnhowtoapplytheprinciplesintheguidetotherealworldis,well,togetoutandapplythemtotherealworld.Sotakesometimeeverydaytopractice.WatchTVwiththesoundlowandstudythebodylanguageoftheactorsuntilyoucanrecognizecomfortanddiscomfort.Strikeupaconversationwithyourcoworkerandpracticemaintainingconversationalflow.Spendabitoftimeattheendofthedaytothinkthroughyoursocialskillsgoals.Pickasocialskillyouwanttomaster,andputinsometimeeverydaypracticingit.You’llfindyourselfrichlyrewarded.
Studyslowlybutconsistently.It’scertainlypossibletoflythroughtheentireguideinonesitting,butthere’salotofcontenttotakein.Giveyourselfthechancetoreallyabsorbeverythingyoucan.Irecommendabiteachday,readingasubsectionofachapterortwo,andthenmakingsuretopracticewhatyoureadduringtheday.
Don’tgoitalone!Askfriends,familyandmentorstohelpyouwithyoursocialskillsjourney.Yoursupportnetworkcanbeagreatsourceofadviceandencouragement.
Youshouldhavespecificgoalsinmindasyouworkthroughtheguide.Improvingyoursocialskillsjusttoimproveyoursocialskillsisgood,butit’shardtostaymotivatedifyoudon’thavecleargoals.Havingcleargoalsallowsyoutotrackyourprogresstowardsthatgoalandstaymotivated.
Supplementtheguidewithothersources.ImproveYourSocialSkillshasalotofgreatcontent,butthereareothersocialskillsresourcesthatcanbuildonwhatyoulearninImproveYourSocialSkills.Eventoday,IkeepaneyeoutforgreatsocialskillsbookssothatIcancontinuetolearnandgrowmyskills.I’vecompiledalistofsomeofthebestbooksonsocialskillsthatI’vefound,whichisagreatplacetostart.
Howeveryoudecidetousetheguide,rememberthatpracticeandpersistencearethetwobiggestkeystoyoursuccess.Bediligenttopracticethethingsyoulearn.Ifyoudo,youwillbewellonyourwaytosocialsuccess.
SettingGoalsforYourSocialSkillsJourney
Agoodfriendofminelikestoaskme,“Whereareyou,andwhereareyougoing?”
Heasksthisbecausehebelievesthatlifeisajourney.Thepersonyouwereyesterdayisdifferentthanthepersonyouwillbetomorrow,becausethepersonyouwereyesterdaywasnotshapedbytoday’sexperiences.Youwillchangeasyougothroughlife.
It’sinevitable.
Buthowyouchangeisuptoyou.
YouwillbechangedwhetheryouspendyourweekendwatchingTVorhelpingafamilybuildahome,butitisyourchoicethatdeterminesifyoupickuptheremoteorthehammer.Unfortunately,it’shardtomakethedecisiontochangeforthebetter.It’seasytoputoffabeneficialchangeuntillaterortogiveupassoonasthechangebecomesdifficult.
That’swhyit’simportanttoknowwhereyouareandwhereyou’regoing.Whenyoudon’t,it’sliketryingtomakealongjourneywithoutamap.Youwon’thavethefirstideaofhowtostart,andyouwon’tknowifyouaredrawingclosertoyourgoalorjustwalkingincircles.
Butifyouunderstandwhereyouareandwhereyouwanttogo,thenyoucandrawamap.Youcanplanforthejourneyandprepareyourselffortheobstaclesthatyoumightfacealongtheway.Thejourneymaystillbealongone,butyouknowyouwillnotgiveupbecauseyouarefocusedonyourdestination.
Insocialskills,knowingwhereyouaremeansthatyouunderstandyourcurrentsocialstrengthsandlimitations,andyouunderstandhowthosestrengthsandlimitationsaffectyourlife.Andknowingwhereyou’regoingmeansyouhaveaconcretesetofsocialgoals,aswellasaplanforreachingthosegoals.
Ihavesomequestionstohelpyoufindoutwhereyouareandwhereyou’regoing,andIencourageyoutothinkthroughthemindepth.Letthequestionsinspireyourthinking,anddon’tworrytoomuchabouthowyourespondtoeachquestion.Therearenorightorwronganswers;thequestionsareonlytheretoguideyourthinking.
Whereareyou?Whatareyoursocialstrengths?Socialstrengthsarethepositiveelementsyoubringtorelationshipsandsocialinteractions.Theycanbesocialskills,buttheydon’thavetobe.Beingloyaltoyourfriendsorhavingagenuinedesiretogettoknowothersbothcountassocialstrengths,eveniftheymightnotbesocialskills.
Thinkaboutthebestrelationshipsinyourlife.Thesemightbecurrentrelationshipsorrelationshipsfromyourpast.Whatwerethoserelationshipslike?Whatmadethoserelationshipssogood?Howdidthoserelationshipsaffectyourlife?
Howhaveyoutriedtoimproveyoursocialskillsinthepast?Havethosemethodsbeensuccessful?Ifso,whatmadethemsuccessful?Ifnot,whatwouldhelpyoubemoresuccessfulthistimearound?
Whatarethecurrentgapsinyoursocialskillsknowledge?Whataretheelementsofsocialinteractionthatyoudon’tunderstand,orthatyoustruggletodosuccessfully?
WhydidyoudecidetostartreadingImproveYourSocialSkills?
Whereareyougoing?Whatarethepracticalareasofsocialskillsthatyouwanttoimprove?Practicalskillsarethe“nutsandbolts”ofsocialinteraction.Theyincludestufflikemakingconversationsflowsmoothly,understandinghowotherpeoplearefeeling,andavoidingneedlessconflict.
Whatareyour“shortterm”goalsforsocialskills?Someexamplesmightbemakinganewfriend,havingafuntimeatasocialevent,ordeepeningyourrelationshipwithaspecificfriend.Thesearegoalsthatyouthinkcouldbeaccomplishedinthenextfewweeksormonths.
Whatareyourlongtermgoalsforsocialskills?Someexamplesmightbehavingsomeoneyouconsideraclosefriendorfeelingcompletelycomfortableinsocialsituations.
Whoarethepeoplewhocanaccompanyyouonyoursocialskillsjourney?Thesemightbefriends,familymembers,ormentorswhocanencourageyou,actasasoundingboard,orprovideasafeplacetopracticeyoursocialskills.
Whatisyourmotivationforembarkingonthisjourneyofsocialskillsimprovement?Howcanyouhelpyourselfstaymotivated,evenwhenthejourneybecomeshard?
Iencourageyoutowritedownyouranswerstothesequestionsandreturntothemonoccasionasyouprogressthroughtheguide.Asyourunderstandingofsocialskillsimproves,yourunderstandingofwhereyouareandwhereyouaregoingwillchangeaswell.Takethetimetoaskyourself“WhereamI,andwhereamIgoing?”everysooften,andyouwillmakesurethatyoukeepgrowingintherightdirection.
Also,rememberthatslowgrowthisstillgrowth.Itmighttakeyoualongtimetoaccomplishyourgoals,oreventoseeclearprogress.Butdon’tgiveup.Everytimeyoutrysomethingneworlearnanewskill,youaremakingprogress.Learningsocialskillsisajourney,notarace.Thespeedatwhichyouaccomplishyourgoalsisnotimportant;what’simportantisthatyoukeepjourneyingforward.
OvercomingFearandSocialAnxiety
I’llbehonest.
Socialinteractioncanbescary.
Whatifyoudon’tknowwhattosay?
Whatifyoudosomethingawkwardandpeoplelaughatyou?
Whatifyougetrejected?
Socialinteractionissupposedtobefun.Butwhenyouarestrugglingwithanxiety,it’shardtoenjoyspendingtimewithothers.
Fortunately,thereisawaytoovercomeyourfear.Youcan’tturnofffearentirely,butyoucankeepitfromcontrollingyou.
Todothis,youneedtounderstandthedifferencebetweentruefearandphysicalfear.
TrueFearvs.PhysicalFearTrueFearisagoodthing.It’syourbody’swayofwarningyouaboutdanger.Ifabearamblesintoyourcampsite,youwillfeelajoltofadrenaline,yourheartwillstartpounding,andyourbrainwillstartscreaming:THATISABEAR.Becauseofthisfear,youwilldropeverythingelsethatyou’redoingandworktoprotectyourself.Yourbodyusestruefeartokeepyousafefromrealdanger.
PhysicalFeariswhenyourbodyactivatesthefearresponseeventhoughthereisnorealdanger.Whenamonsterjumpsoutduringascarymovie,youmightexperiencetheexactsamephysicalresponsethatthebearinyourcampsitetriggered.Thedifferenceisthatwhileabearcanhurtyou,specialeffectscannot.
Yourbodydoesn’tunderstandthedifference.Butyoudo.Youcanenjoyascarymoviebecauseyouknowthedifferencebetweenaharmlessmoviemonsterandtherealdangerofabear.Andyoucanenjoysocialinteractionsbylearningtodistinguishbetweenphysicalfearandtruefear.
Thinkaboutitforaminute.
Yourfearinsocialinteractionsisalmostpurelyphysicalfear,nottruefear.Youmightbeafraidthatyouwilldoorsaysomethingawkward,orthatotherswon’tlikeyou,orthatothersmightjudgeyou.Butyouknowwhat?Probablynoneofthosethingswillhappen.Andevenifthatdoeshappens,it’sok.
Sayitwithme.It’sok.
SocialAnxiety=PhysicalFearIfyou’retalkingwithsomeoneandsaysomethingincrediblyawkward,whatwillhappen?Well,you’llfeelembarrassed.Theotherpersonmightbecomeupset,ortheymightlaughatyou.Butthenyou’llrecover.
Theconversationwillmoveontoadifferenttopic.Theotherpersonwillforgiveyourawkwardnessandwillsoonforgetitentirely.Worstcase,youwilltryagaininanewconversationwithsomeoneelse.
Norealharmisdone.Nobodywasmauledbyabear.
Socialinteractionissupposedtobefun,andfailureisnotabigdeal.Readthatagain.Failureisnotabigdeal.Ifyoumessupinonesocialinteraction,nopermanentharmwillbedone.Takeadeepbreath,remindyourselfthatnobodywasmauledbyabear,andgostrikeupaconversationwithsomeonenew.
Now,thereisanexceptiontothisrule.Ifyoudosomethingtoupsetoroffendsomeonewithwhomyouhavealong-termrelationship(likealongtimefriendoracoworker),thentheremayinfactberealconsequencessinceyoumightdamagetherelationship.Butyouhavetoseriouslyupsetoroffendsomeoneinordertocauselastingdamage,andifyouaremakinganefforttobesensitivetotheirfeelings,thatisunlikelytohappen.
Plus,normallyyourgreatestanxietyisnotcausedbythepeoplethatareclosetoyou;it’scausedbypeopleyoudon’tknowverywell.Whenyoudon’tknowsomeonewell,thereisnorelationshiptodamageandthereforenorealdanger.
FreedomfromFearSonexttimeyoufeelyouranxietypeakingatthethoughtofasocialinteraction,remindyourselfthatit’sonlyphysicalfear.Socialinteractioncan’treallyhurtyou(evenifyoumakeamistake.)
Iknowthisreminderwon’tmakethephysicalfeargoaway.Yourheartmightstillraceandyourpalmsmightstillsweat.Butyouwillhavethecouragetofacedownthatfear.
Ofcourse,overcomingfearisaprocess.Yourfearmightbeextremelypowerful,especiallyifyouhavesocialanxietydisorderorifyouhaveexperiencedpainfulbullyingandrejection.Andifthat’sthecase,it’sok.Idon’texpectanyonetoreadthislessonandinstantlybanishfear.
Instead,Ihopethislessonencouragesyoutotakesmallbutsteadystepsawayfromfear.Findagoalthatseemsscarybutdoable,anduseyourknowledgeoftruefearandphysicalfeartohelpyouaccomplishthatgoal.
Don’tworryifthefirsttimeyouattemptthegoalyoufail–remember,failureisnotabigdeal.Anddon’tfeelthatyouhavetoaccomplishthisonyourown.Ifpossible,askfamilyandfriendstosupportyouorfindasupportgrouptohelpyouonyourjourney.
(Ialsorecommendthatyouconsiderseeingaprofessionalcounselor.AsImentionelsewhere,counselorscanbeincrediblyhelpful,andthereisnoshameintalkingtoone.Ifyou’rereallyhurtingandyouneedtotalktosomeonerightnow,justcall1-800-442-HOPEandyouwillbeconnectedtoavolunteercounselor.)
Theimportantthingtorememberisthatanxietyissomethingyoucanovercome.Itwilltaketime,anditmaytakethesupportoffriends,counselors,andlovedones,butyoucanovercomeanxiety.Justtakesmallsteadystepstowardsyourgoal,andrememberthatnomatterwhatphysicalfearmightwantyoutobelieve,youdon’tneedtofearfailure.
Becourageous.
Manipulationvs.TrueIntimacy
So,awordonwhatI’mtryingtoaccomplishhere(andwhatI’mnot).
Mygoalhereistohelpyouhavedeep,fulfilling,authenticrelationshipsbygivingyouasolidfoundationinsocialskills.I’mnottryingtoteachyoueverythingthereistoknowaboutsocialskillsormakeyouintosomekindofsocialsuperhero.Ijustwantyoutohavetheskillsyouneedtobuildgreatrelationships.
Thingis,thoseskillscanbeusedforbadends.MartinLutherKingJrwasagreatorator,butsowasHitler.Thethoughtofusingsocialskillstodeceiveothersortomanipulatepeopleintogivingyouwhatyouwantcanbeveryseductive.
Andtherearelotsofsocialskills“gurus”outtherewhoteachamessageofmanipulationanddeceit.Theyclaimtoteachsocialskillssoyoucangainpowerandinfluence,convinceotherstodowhatyouwant,orseducewomen.
Thesemanipulation-basedsocialskillshavealotofpracticalproblems(mostofthetechniquesdon’twork,oronlyworkinafewlimitedinstances).What’smore,they’rejustplainwrong.
IbelievethatmostpeoplereadingthisguideareascommittedasIamtobuildingrelationshipsonafoundationoftrustandrespect,notmanipulationanddeceit.Ifthat’syou,thenyoucansafelyignorethissection.
Butforthosewhoaretemptedbythoughtsofmanipulation,awordofwarning.
TheDangerofManipulationTruefulfillingrelationshipsareALWAYSbuiltonmutualtrustandrespect.Ifyoumanipulatesomeone,youaredisrespectingthem,andyouwilldestroytheirtrustinyouassoonastheyfindout.Youmightbeabletogetwhatyouwantintheshorttermbyusingmanipulationanddeceit,butinthelongtermyouwillalwaysbefoundout.
Youwillnevergetthetrueintimacyyou’reseekingwithdeceit.
Soifyou’relookingtolearnhowtoinfluencepeopletodowhatyouwant,ortoseducewomen,ortocreateafalseimpressionofwhoyouaretofoolothers,myprogramhasnothingtoofferyou.
Buthere’sthething.Youdon’tneeddeceitormanipulation.ImproveYourSocialSkillsisbasedonthephilosophythatyoudon’tneedtochangewhoyouaretobelikedoraccepted.Ibelievethatifyouletpeoplegettoreallyknowyou,incrediblefriendshipsaregoingtohappen.Youdon’thavetotwistsomeone’sarmorfoolthemaboutwhoyouare.Youjustneedtogivethemthechancetoreallyknowyou.
It’struethatwhenyoudon’thavegoodsocialskills,it’shardtohavetheinteractionsthatallowotherstogettoknowyou.Butsocialskillscanbelearned(that’swhatthisguideisfor!).And
whenyouarenolongerheldbackbyalackofsocialskills,yourtrueselfwillshinethrough.
That’sworthworkingtowards.Don’tgiveup,anddon’tsettle.
Chapter2:BodyLanguage
Relationshipsarebuiltoncommunication.Isharewithyou,andyousharewithme.Whenwesharewitheachother,weunderstandeachotherbetter–whichgrowsourrelationshipdeeper.
Thetrickypartisthatalotofcommunicationisnon-verbal.ImightnotusewordstotellyouifIfeelupsetwithyou,butImightphysicallydrawbackfromyou–forinstance,bycrossingmyarms,anglingmyfeettowardsthedoor,oravoidingeyecontact.Ifyoudon’tcatchmyphysicalsignals,youmightnotrealizethatsomethingiswronguntilit’stoolate.
Evenifyouunderstandthebodylanguagesignalsotherpeoplearesending,youmightnotrealizewhatyourownbodyiscommunicating.Whenyourbodylanguageiscoldandstandoffish,peopleareunlikelytoapproachyou,evenifyouwantthemto.
Fortunately,it’seasytomakebodylanguageapositivepartofyourinteractions.Inthissectionoftheguide,Iwillwalkyouthroughthesimple,practicalprinciplesthatwillguideyoutoagreatunderstandingofbodylanguage.
BodyLanguagecontainsfivelessons:
ComfortandDiscomfort:TheOnlyTwoSignalsYouNeed
Pickupabookonbodylanguage,andyou’llbeconfrontedwithhundredsofpagesfilledwithdifferentbodylanguagesignals.Thehiddenmeaningsofeverypossiblemovement,glance,andnosescratchisexplainedinpainstakingdetail.Itmakesforinterestingreading,butit’snotverypracticaltomemorizehundredsofbodylanguagesignals.
Fortunately,there’sabetterway.There’sonlytwomajorbodylanguagesignalsthatyouneedtoknow:“Comfort”and“Discomfort.”Inthislesson,Iexplainhowtouseeachofthesesignalsinconversation.
AFieldGuidetoComfort
Thereareseveralbodylanguagesignalsthatindicatesomeoneisfeelingcomfortable.Inthislesson,Iteachyouhowtorecognizethemostcommoncomfortsignalsandexplainhowtorespond.
AFieldGuidetoDiscomfort
Muchlikecomfort,bodiesalsohaveseveralwaystosignalthatsomeoneisfeelinguncomfortable.Inthislesson,Iwalkyouthroughthemostcommondiscomfortsignalssoyouwillknowwhenyourpartnerisfeelinguncomfortable.
UnderstandingBodyLanguageinContext
Inordertorespondappropriatelytobodylanguageduringasocialinteraction,youneedtounderstandthecontextoftheinteraction.Thissectionteachesyouhowtorecognizekeysignalsfromcontextthathelpyoutorespondbettertobodylanguage.
YourBodyLanguage
Understandingthebodylanguageofothersisextremelyuseful,butyoualsoneedtounderstandthemessagesyourownbodylanguageissending.It’seasyforyourbodylanguageandyourwordstosendconflictingmessages,whichisarecipeformisunderstanding.Inthislesson,Ihelpyoumakesurethatyourbodyandyourwordsworktogether.
Comfort/Discomfort:TheCoreofBodyLanguage
Bodylanguagehelpsusunderstandoneanother.
Ifyouencounterafriendwhosebodylanguageshowssadness,youknowtoaskthemwhat'swrong.
Ifyoustarttotellastoryandyourfriend'sbodylanguageshowsinterest,youknowtokeeptalking.
It'susefulstuff.
Unfortunately,bodylanguageisverycomplex.Therearehundredsofdifferentsignalsourbodycansend,andunlessyouarePaulEkmanorarewillingtoputindecadesofwork,youcan'tlearnthemall.
Fortunately,youdon'tneedtolearnthemall.
Infact,thereareonlytwosignalsyouneedtolearn:"comfort"and"discomfort."
Comfortsignalstellyouthatthepersonisfeelinggood.Peoplegiveoffcomfortsignalswhentheylikethepersonthey'reinteractingwith,theyenjoytheircurrentactivityorinteraction,andthereisnothingtroublingthem.
Discomfortsignalstellyouthatsomethingiswrong.Peoplegiveoffdiscomfortsignalswhensomethingisbotheringthem,whenthey'renotfeelinghappy,orwhentheyarenotenjoyingtheircurrentactivityorinteraction.
RespondingtoComfortandDiscomfort
Comfortanddiscomfortsignalsarethecluesthattellyouhowyourpartnerisfeeling.Onceyouknowhowyourpartnerisfeeling,youknowhowtorespond.
Here'showitworks:
Thinkofthesesignalsasredlight/greenlight.Ifyou'repickingup"I'mfeelingcomfortable"messages,thenyou'vegotagreenlight.
Whenyougetagreenlight,yourjobissimplytorelaxandenjoytheinteraction.Keepaneyeoutincasetheirbodylanguagechangestodiscomfort,butotherwise,justrelaxandkeepdoingwhateveryouweredoing.
Ifyou'rereading"I'mnotcomfortable"signals,thenthat'saredlight(oratleast,ayellow"caution"light.)Whenyougetaredlight,yourjobistohelpyourconversationpartnerfeelmorecomfortable.Trytolearnwhatcausedthemtofeeluncomfortableandseeifyoucanremovethesourceofthediscomfort.
Inotherwords,thisishowyouusebodylanguageinsocialinteractions:
Lookatbodylanguagesignalstofindoutifyourpartneriscomfortableoruncomfortable.
Ifthey'recomfortable,thenrelax.
Ifthey'reuncomfortable,trytofindoutwhat'swrongandfixit.
ComfortandDiscomfortinPractice
Inpractice,thisisverysimple.Letmegiveyouanexample.
Afewdaysago,myfriendaskedmeaquestion,andIlaunchedintoanextremelylong-windedanswer.Midwaythroughmyresponse,Icheckedtheirbodylanguageandrealizedtheyweregivingoffseveraldiscomfortsignals.Oops.
Irealizedthesourceoftheirdiscomfortwasmylong-windedanswer(theyhadwantedashortresponse,notamassivelecture.)Icutmylong-windedexplanationshortandwasrewardedwithmyfriend'sbodylanguagebecomingmorecomfortable.
Myfriendnevertoldmethattheywerebored,buttheirbodyclearlycommunicatedittome.BecauseIknewhowtounderstandtheirbodylanguage,itwaseasyformetoseetheirdiscomfortandrealizeIneededtocutmyanswershort.
Peoplecommunicatecomfortanddiscomforttoyouwiththeirbodiesallthetime.Learntounderstandandrespondtothesebodylanguagesignals,anditwillbemucheasierforyoutohavepositiveinteractions.
Ofcourse,inordertorespondtobodylanguageinthisway,youneedtobeabletonoticewhensomeoneissignalingthattheyarecomfortableoruncomfortable.Youalsoneedtobeabletolookatthecontexttounderstandwhatiscausingyourpartnertofeelcomfortableoruncomfortable.Fortunately,we'llcoverallofthesetopicsinthenextfewlessons.
AFieldGuidetoComfort
Comfortisagreatsignaltoreceive.Whenyouknowthatyourconversationpartneriscomfortable,youcanrelaxandenjoytheconversation.
Peoplewillsignalcomfortinavarietyofways,themostimportantofwhichI’vehighlightedbelow.Yourgoalistolookforpatternsinthesignals.Ifsomeoneistrulycomfortable,theywillsendmultiple“Comfort”bodylanguagesignals.
Thelistbelowconsistsofsignalsthatarebothcommonandeasytospot.It’snotanexhaustivelistofcomfortsignals,butitisenoughforyoutobeabletoreliablydetectifsomeoneiscomfortable.
KeyComfortSignalsLeaningIn,MovingCloser,orTurningtoFaceYou
Whensomeoneiscomfortablewithyouorinterestedinwhatyou’resaying,theywanttoremovedistancebetweenthetwoofyou.Youcanthinkofitas“IfsomeoneFEELSclosetome,theywanttoBEclosetome”.
Removingdistancecantakedifferentforms.Sometimesyourpartnerwillleantowardsyou—agoodsign!Othertimes,they’llturntofaceyou,orphysicallyscootcloser.Theymightalsoremoveanobjectthatisbetweenthetwoofyou(forinstance,settingtheirdinnerplateasidewhenatarestaurant.)
Feetinparticularareareliable(ifsubtle)indicatorofsomeoneturningtowardsyou.Someonemightconsciouslychoosetofaceyou,butmostpeoplearen’tconsciouslyawareofwhattheirfeetaredoing.Soifsomeoneturnstheirfeettowardsyou,that’sprobablyagenuineexpressionofcomfortandthereforeaverygoodsign.
ATiltedHeadoraHeadRestedonaHand
Atiltedheadindicatescuriosity,whereasrestingtheirheadontheirhandimpliesthatthey’relisteningintently.Bothindicatecomfort.Ifsomeoneisfocusedonwhatyou’resaying,it’sverycommontoseethemleaningforward,restingtheirelbowonatableandtheirheadintheirhand.
OneLegTuckedUnderneathOnaCouch(GirlsOnly)
Thisisagirl-onlysignal,butaverypowerfulone.Ifagirlissittingnexttosomeoneshefeelscomfortablewith,shewilloftentuckonelegunderneathherandturntowardsthatperson.Ifyouareonthereceivingendofthis,countyourselflucky.Itmeansthegirlreallyenjoysbeingwithyou.
The“I’mDiggingThis”Smile
Generally,someonewillnotbegrinningmadlythroughoutanencounter—iftheyare,youareprobablytalkingwithTheJokerandshouldbeconcerned.
Butwhenpeopleareenjoyingthemselves,oftenthecornersoftheirmouthwillbeturnedupslightly.It’ssubtle,butIcallthisthe“I’mdiggingthis”smile—itshowsthatpeopleareenjoyingwhatever’sgoingon.Ifyou’retellingafunnystorytoyourfriendsandyounoticethissmile,that’sagoodsign.
PhysicalTouch
Thisisasignificantindicatorofcomfort.Ifsomeoneisfeelingcomfortablewithyou,they’remuchmorelikelytotouchyourshouldertogetyourattention,orputtheirhandonyourkneewhentheyaskifyou’reok,orgiveyouahugwhentheygreetyou.
Physicaltouchvariesalotbyindividuals,sodon’tworryifsomeoneisnottouchingyouphysically—theymightjustnotbetouchy.Butifsomeoneistouchingyou,youcanconcludethatthey’refeelingfairlycomfortablewithyou.
MasteringBodyLanguageFocusingoncomfortanddiscomfortisconsiderablyeasierthantryingtomemorizeeverysinglefacetofbodylanguage,butit’sstillafairamounttoswallowallatonce.
Fortunately,youdon’tneedtomemorizetheseallatonce.Ihaveanexerciseforyouthatwillhelpyoubreakthebodylanguagepiecesintobitesizedchunksforeasymemorization.
Theexerciseissimple:
Chooseoneortwosignalsfromthelist.
TurnontheTVtoyourfavoriteshow.Ideally,yourfavoriteshowshouldbelive-actionandhavealotofsocialinteraction.Ifitdoesn’t,considerwatchinganothershow.RealityTVisactuallyaverygoodchoice,sinceit’smostlytalking.
Enjoytheshow,butlookforthesignalsyouchoseasthecharactersinteract.Don’tbeafraidtorewindascenetogetacloserlookatasignal.Keeppracticinguntilyoufeelconfidentthatyoucouldnoticethesignalsinarealinteraction.
Onceyoufeellikeyoucouldrecognizethesignalsyouchoseinarealinteraction,pickafewmoreandstartlookingforthemaswell.Eventually,you’llfindyourselfabletolookforallofthesignalsonthelist.
Withalittlepractice,awarenessofbodylanguagestartstobecomesecondnature.Onceyouknowwhatyou’relookingfor,it’seasytospotpatternsofsignalsanddecipherwhatyourpartnerisfeeling.
AFieldGuidetoDiscomfort
Discomfortsignalsworktogetherwithcomfortsignalstohelpyoumanageinteractions.Whenyourealizethatsomeoneisuncomfortable,youcanquicklytakeactiontofixthesituation.Oncethepersonisgivingoffcomfortsignalsagain,thenyouknowyouhavesuccessfullyputtheconversationbackontrack.
Likecomfortsignals,discomfortsignalsappearinpatterns,andarebestunderstoodincontext.Whenyouseeadiscomfortsignal,thinkthroughtheothercomfortanddiscomfortsignalsyouhaveseen,aswellastheoverallcontext.
I’vecompiledalistofthemostcommondiscomfortsignals.I’vepickedtheseparticularsignalsbecausethey’rebothverycommonandveryeasytospot,makingthemtheperfectplacetobegin.Thisisnotanexhaustivelist,soasyoulearnadditionaldiscomfortsignals,feelfreetoaddthemtoyourrepertoire.Butthislistisallthatyouneedtostartnoticingdiscomfortsignalsandusingthatinformationinyourinteractions.
KeyDiscomfortSignalsNeckTouchingorNeckRubbing
Yourneckishometomanynerveendingsthat,whenrubbed,willloweryourheartrateandcomfortyou.Whenpeopleareuncomfortable,theywillunconsciouslytouchtheirneckssothatthesenerveswillactivateandhelptocalmthem.
Rubbingorstrokingonthefrontorbackoftheneckisthemostcommonkindofnecktouching,butifthepersoniswearinganecklaceoranecktie,theymightfiddlewiththatalso.
FaceTouchingorFaceRubbing
Therearealsonerveendingsinyourface,sosomepeoplewillrubtheirfacetocomfortthemselves.Lookforrubbingtheforehead,rubbingtheeyes,playingwiththehair,rubbinglips—allofthesearebehaviorspeopleusetocalmthemselvesdown.Peoplewillalsosometimespuffouttheircheeksandexhale.
LegRubbing
Thisiswhereaseatedpersonputstheirhands(orhand)palm-downontheirlegsandslidesittowardstheirknees.Picturesomeonewipingoffsweatypalmsontheirpantsandyou’vegottheidea.
WithdrawingorBlocking
Ifsomeoneisinconversationandtheybecomeuncomfortablewiththepersonorthetopicofconversation,theymaytrytopullbackorplaceobjectsbetweenthemselvesandtheirpartner.Theymightleanaway,adjusttheirchairsothatthey’renotfacingthepersondirectly,crosstheirarmstoblocktheirchest,and/orcrosstheirlegssothattheirkneeisbetweenthemselvesandthe
otherperson.
Becarefulwiththissignal,though.Somepeoplemightcrosstheirlegsorleanbacktositmorecomfortably,orcrosstheirarmsbecausethey’recold.That’swhyit’simportanttolookatitincontext—ifyouareseeingcrossedarmsorlegsbutotherwisepositivesignals,youareprobablyokay.
FeetPointedAway
Feetareextremelypowerfulindicatorsofhowsomeoneisactuallyfeeling.Ifsomeone’sfeetarepointedawayfromtheirconversationpartner,that’softenasignalthatthey’dratherexittheconversation.Ofcourse,thisonlyappliesifthepersoncouldcomfortablyandnaturallypointtheirfeetattheirpartner—ifyou’resittingnexttoeachotheronanairplane,thisdoesn’tapplybecauseitwouldbeverydifficultforthemtopointtheirfeetatyou.Butifyou’restandingfacingoneanother,andyouseetheirfeetstartpointingtowardsthedoor,youmightwanttograciouslybringtheconversationtoaclose.
TheInterruptionHand
Thisisnotasignofdiscomfortsomuchasanindicationthattheotherpersonwantstospeak.Whensomeonewantstospeak,theirhandwilloftenjerkupwards—sometimeswiththeirpointerfingerraised.Thehandwillonlyraisepartwaybeforestopping.Essentiallywhat’shappeningisthatthepersonwantstointerject,buttheystoppedthemselvesbeforetheyactuallysaidanything.Dothemafavorandgivethemachancetospeak.
VeryLittleEyeContact
Nobodymaintainseyecontactallthetime,butwhentheylookawaytheyshouldsoonlookbacktoyou.Ifsomeoneislookingeverywherebutyou,they’reprobablynotcomfortable.Asimplewayoftestingthisistosaytheirnameintheconversation:forinstance“Isn’tthatright,Carl?”Mostpeople,uponhearingtheirname,willlookatyouandholdeyecontactforseveralmoments.Ifsomeoneglancesatyouwhenyousaytheirname,thenimmediatelylooksaway,theymaybeuncomfortable.
Also,payattentionifsomeoneisrepeatedlylookingawayfromyouatonespecificthing.Forinstance,ifyou’retalkingwithsomeoneandtheykeepglancingovertheirshoulderatsomeoneelse,itmightbethattheywanttotalktothatperson.
ActingonDiscomfortSignalsOfcourse,it’snotenoughtojustknowwhensomeoneisuncomfortable.Youalsoneedtotakeactiontomakethemcomfortableagain.Fortunately,it’seasytoknowhowtomakeyourpartnercomfortableifyouknowhow.
UnderstandingBodyLanguageinContext
Let’ssayyou’reinaconversationandyounoticethatyourpartnerhascrossedtheirarms,leanedawayfromyou,andisrepeatedlyrubbingtheirface.That’sdefinitelyuncomfortablebodylanguage.Butwhyisyourpartneruncomfortable?
Well,theymightbeuncomfortablebecausetheydon’tliketheconversationtopic.
Ortheymightbeuncomfortablebecauseyouhavefoodinyourteethandthey’renotsureiftheyshouldtellyou.
Orperhapssomethingiswrongthathasnothingtodowithyou,likeanupsetstomach.
Ifyouonlylookattheirbodylanguage,youwon’thaveenoughinformationtoidentifythesourceoftheirdiscomfort.Bodylanguagewilltellyouthatsomeoneiscomfortableoruncomfortable,butitcan’ttellyouwhy.
That’swhyyoulookatthecontext.
WhatIsContext?Lookingatcontextmeansbeingawareofthreethings:
Theconversationitself.Didsomethingintheconversationcauseyourpartnertobecomemoreorlesscomfortable?Forinstance,ifyourpartner’slanguagechangedwhenyouaskedaspecificquestion,perhapsthereissomethingaboutthatquestionthatmadethemuncomfortable.
Theenvironmenttheconversationtakesplacein.Conversationsdon’toccurinavacuum(unlessyouareanastronaut.)Lookaroundtheroomtoseewhatyourpartnermightbereactingto.Anargumentatanearbytable,anoverlycrowdedroom,oranex-girlfriendwhojustenteredthepartycouldallbereasonswhyyourpartnersuddenlybecameuncomfortable.
Yourpartner’srecentexperiences.Yourpartner’sdaydidnotbeginwhenyoustartedtalkingwiththem,andtheexperiencestheyhadpriortoyourconversationmightstillbeaffectingthem.Forexample,ifyourpartnerhadaroughdayatwork,theymightgiveoffdiscomfortsignalsbecausetheyarestillthinkingabouttheirstressfulday.
ApplyingContextTakethetimetolookatcontext,andyouwillnormallyidentifyafewpotentialcausesforyourpartner’sdiscomfort.Trytoremovethediscomfortcausedbythecontext,andseeifyourpartnerbecomescomfortable.
Forinstance,let’ssaytheirbodylanguagesignaleddiscomfortwhenyouintroducedacontroversialtopic.Changethetopicandseeiftheirbodylanguagerelaxes.Isthereabadsmell
intheroom?Suggestchangingroomsandseeingiftheylightenup.
Andrememberthatifyoucan’tdeducethesourceoftheirdiscomfort,it’susuallyoktojustaskthemwhat’swrong.Youdon’tneedtobeSherlockHolmes;it’senoughthatyoumadeanhonestefforttolookatthecontext.
Afterall,evenifyoudon’tknowthesourceoftheirdiscomfort,youcanstilltrytomakethemmorecomfortable.Offertofixthemtheirfavoritedrink,orpickafuntopictotalkaboutinsteadofaseriousone.It’spreferabletoknowthespecificsourceoftheirdiscomfort,butsimplybeingawarethattheyareuncomfortablegoesalongway.
Iknowthatcontextcanseemoverwhelmingatfirst.Andinhonesty,itwilltakesomepracticebeforeyoubecomecomfortablewithbothlookingatcontextandalsofocusingontheconversation.ButIthinkthatasyoupractice,youwillfindthatlookingatcontextisverysimple.
Inanutshell,thepurposeoflookingatcontextistofindcluesthathelpyoumakeyourpartnermorecomfortable.Whensomeone’sbodylanguagetellsyouthattheyareuncomfortable,youcanlookatcontexttofindoutwhy.Then,usethatinformationtohelpyouremovethesourceofdiscomfort.Practicelookingatcontextuntilitbecomesnatural,andyouwillhaveapowerfultooltoaddtoyoursocialskillsrepertoire.
Ofcourse,bodylanguageisnotjustaboutyourpartner’sbodylanguage,orevenyourpartner’sbodylanguagecombinedwithcontext.Yourownbodylanguageplaysarole,too.
YourBodyLanguage
Inthepreviouslessonsonbodylanguage,youlearnedhowtounderstandthebodylanguagesignalsofothers.Ifyoudetectabodylanguagethatsignalssomeoneisuncomfortable,youknowtolookforthecauseoftheirdiscomfortandthentrytoremoveit.Ifsomeonesignalsthattheyarefeelingcomfortable,youknowthatyoucanrelaxandenjoytheinteraction.
Buthowdopeopleinterpretthebodylanguagesignalsthatyougive?It’struethatonlyafewpeoplehavetrainedthemselvestoconsciouslyanalyzebodylanguage.Butevenifyourconversationpartnerneverconsciouslythinksaboutyourbodylanguage,theywillstillsubconsciouslyreacttoit.
Forinstance,ifyourbodylanguageexhibitswarmthandfriendliness,yourpartnerislikelytosensethatandrelax.Ifyourbodylanguagedemonstratesdisinterestorboredom,yourpartnerwillthinktwicebeforesharingsomethingpersonalwithyou.
WhenYourBodyLanguageandYourWordsDon’tAgreeUnfortunately,mostpeopledon’tthinkabouttheirownbodylanguage.Theymightspendalotoftimethinkingoftheperfectwordstosay,withoutrealizingthattheirbodylanguageandtheirwordsaresendingverydifferentmessages.
Forexample,sayyouhavehadalong,hardday,butyourfriendwantstotalkwithyouaboutsomethingthattheyarestrugglingwith.Youobviouslycareaboutyourfriend,soyoutellthemthatyouwanttotalk.
Butifduringtheconversationyouareyawning,lookingattheclock,andleaningbackinyourchairwithyourarmscrossed,yourfriendmightconcludethatyoudon’treallywanttotalkwiththemafterall.Theystormoff,andyouareleftwonderingwhatyousaidwrong.(Ofcourse,youdidn’tsayanythingwrong—that’sthepoint!)
That’sjustoneexample;it’seasytothinkofotherwaysyourownbodylanguagecancreatemisunderstandings.Whenyourwordsandyourbodyaresendingdifferentmessages,peoplewilltendtogowiththemessagethatyourbodyissending.Ifyoudidn’tmeantosendthatmessage,troubleensues.
ThePowerofSelf-AwarenessFortunately,thattroubleisentirelyavoidable.Justbeawareofthemessagesyourbodyissending.Yourbodyisgoingtocommunicate—that’sjustpartofbeinghuman.Takethetimetonoticewhatitiscommunicating,andyoucanmakesurethatyourbodyandyourwordsaresendingthesamemessage.
Letmebeclear.I’mnottalkingaboutchangingyourbodylanguagetomaskdeception–ifyourwordsarecommunicatingsomethinguntrue,thenyoushouldchangeyourwordsinsteadofyourbodylanguage.Relationshipsbuiltondeceptionwillnevergiveyouthelong-termsatisfaction
andintimacythatyouneed.
Instead,focusonpresentingacohesive,genuinemessageofthethingthatisbothtrueandmostimportant.Ifyouaretiredbutyoucareaboutyourfriend,themessagethatismostimportantis“Icareaboutyou,”not“I’mtired”(eventhoughbothmessagesaretrue.)Ifyouareexcitedtomeetsomeonenewbutalsonervous,themessagethatismostimportantis“Iamexcitedtomeetyou,”not“Iamnervous.”
Themessageof“Icareaboutyou”ismoreimportantthanthemessageof“Iamverytired”becauseyourcommitmenttoyourfriendrunsdeeperthanyourphysicalfatigue.Themessageof“Iamexcitedtomeetyou”ismoreimportantthanthemessageof“I’mfeelingnervous”becauseyourdesiretomakeanewfriendisgreaterthanyournervousness.
It’soktomakesureyourbodylanguagecommunicatesthemessagethatismostimportant.That’snotdeception;that’sjustmakingsurethemostimportantmessageiscommunicatedwell.Whenyouareawareofyourownbodylanguage,youcanbesurethatbothyourwordsandyourbodylanguagereflectthemessagethatisthemosttrue.
Sotakethetimetobeawareofyourownbodylanguage.Thelistsofcomfortanddiscomfortsignalsarejustasusefulwhenyouareusingthemtounderstandyourownbodylanguageaswhenyouareanalyzingsomeoneelse’s.Beawareofwhatyourbodyiscommunicating,andmaketheefforttomutediscomfortsignalsandbroadcastcomfortsignals.You’llfindthatasyoumatchyourbodylanguagetoyourwords,youwillhavemuchgreatersuccessinyourinteractions.
Chapter3:Conversation
Mostconversationadvicedoesn’thelpyoumakeconversation.
It’seasytofindtipslike“Lookyourpartnerintheeye”or“Thinkofconversationtopicsaheadoftime.”Thesetipsarehelpful,buttheydon’texplainhowconversationactuallyworks–it’slikesaying“Keepyoureyeontheball”insteadofexplainingtherulesofbaseball.
Ofcourse,youcanstillenjoybaseballevenifyoudon’tunderstandtherules.Butwhenyoustruggleduringsmalltalk,it’sincrediblyfrustrating–especiallyifyoudon’tknowhowtoimprove.
Thegoodnews?
Youdon’tneedtobefrustratedanymore.ImproveYourSocialSkillsisapractical,step-by-stepguidetosocialsuccess–andthatmeansitteachesyouhowconversationactuallyworks.
You’lllearnthebedrockprinciplesofconversationandhowtoapplythoseprinciplestomakesmooth,engagingconversation.Divein!
TheSecretofConversationFlow
Whatmakessomeconversationsflowsmoothly,andotherssputterorfeelawkward?Inthissection,Iexplaintheprinciplesof“Invitation”and“Inspiration”andhowthesetwoprinciplesworktogethertocreatesmooth,comfortableconversation.
Invitation:TheArtofGoodQuestions
Invitationshelptoaddstructuretoaconversationbyclearlycommunicatingtoyourpartnerwhenit’stheirturntospeakandgivingthematopictospeakabout.Inthissection,Idiscussinvitationsindepthandteachyouhowtousetheminyourconversations.Inaddition,sincemostinvitationsarequestions,Iexplainhowtoaskgoodquestionsandshowhowyoucanbuildrapportwithothersusingquestions.
Inspiration:TheHeartbeatOfGoodConversation
It’spossibletobuildaconversationoutofnothingbutinvitations,butthere’sabetterway.ThroughsomethingIcall“inspiration,”youcanhelpbuildconversationthatfeelsmorenaturalandthatencouragesmoresharingandintimacybetweenyouandyourpartner.Thissectionexplainswhatinspirationsareandhowtheywork
InspirationInPractice
Onceyouunderstandwhatinspirationsareandwhattheycandoforyou,you’llbeeagertoapplytheminyoureverydayconversation.Thissectiongivesyouthepractical,step-by-stepguidanceyouneedtodojustthat
InvitationAndInspirationInHarmony
Afteryou’velearnedaboutinvitationandinspirationseparately,it’stimetodiscoverhowtheycanworktogether.Thissectionexplainshowyoucanuseinvitationandinspirationinharmonywitheachotherandequipsyoutousetheminreal-worldconversations.
TheSecretofConversationFlow
Thinkbacktothemostenjoyableconversationsyou’vehad.Chancesare,thoseconversationsmovedsmoothlyfromonespeakertothenext,andnaturallyfromonetopictoanother.Therewasnosenseof“WhatdoIsaynow?”or“AmIsupposedtotalknext?”Youandtheotherpeopleintheconversationfeltfreetoenjoyspendingtimewitheachotherinsteadofworryingabouthowtomaketheconversationwork.
Whatmadetheseconversationssospecial?Well,theyallhadsomethingcalledconversationflow.Conversationflowhappenswhenconversationiscomfortable,effortless,andsmooth.It’sthewayconversationsaresupposedtowork.
Sometimes,conversationflowseemstohappenautomatically.Youandyourconversationpartnerhititoff,andtheconversationfeelsreallysmoothandcomfortable.That’sgreatwhenithappens,butwhatdoyoudowhenconversationsdon’tflow?
That’swheretheprincipleofinvitationandinspirationcomesin.Invitationandinspirationarethekeyingredientsofsmooth,comfortableconversation.
Aninvitationiswhenyousaysomethingthatexplicitlyletsyourpartnerknowitistheirturntospeak.
Aninspirationiswhenyousaysomethingthatmakesyourpartnerwanttospeakunbidden.
Bothservetopromptaresponsefromyourconversationpartnerandkeeptheconversationflowing.
Thesetwoingredientscreatethesenseofconversationflow.Learnhowtoincludetheminyourconversationsandyouwillinviteconversationflowintoallofyourinteractions.
Withabitofpractice,youwillfindthatinvitationandinspirationenableyoutobuildenjoyable,comfortableconversationinallofyourinteractions.Noawkwardpauses,forcedsegues,orfakeysmalltalk.
TheDeliMetaphorImaginethatyouandyourconversationpartnerareworkingina(poorlydesigned)deli.Halfoftheingredientsareatoneendofthedelicounter,andhalfoftheingredientsareattheoppositeend.Thetwoofyouneedtomakeasandwich,soyoudecidetostandatoppositeendsofthecounterandslidethesandwichbackandforth.
Yourpartneraddssomelettuce,thenslidesitdownforyou.Youaddsomemayo,thenyouslideitbacksohecanaddsometurkey.It’sabitofastrangeimage,butstaywithme.Thisisanextremelyusefulmetaphor.
Now,let’smaketheimagealittlestranger.Let’ssaythatyouandyourpartnerarechattingas
youwork(normalenough),butthatthesandwichyouaremakingrepresentsyourconversation(notsonormal.)
Youask,,“Howwasyourweekend?”andslidethesandwichdownthecounter.
Yourpartnerreplies“Oh,itwasgreat.Howwasyours?”andslidesthesandwichback.
Youreply“Itwasfine.”andtrytoreturnthesandwich.Thesandwichtravelssixinchesandstopsdead.
Whathappened?Well,youdidn’tgiveyourpartneraclearinvitationorastronginspiration.Withouteitherofthosethings,yourpartnerdidn’tknowwhattosaynext(andperhapswasunsureifitwashisturntospeak.)Sohedidn’trespond.Theconversationlapsed,andthesandwichstoppedsliding.
Remember,aninvitationiswhenyousaysomethingthatexplicitlyletsyourpartnerknowitistheirturntospeak.Andaninspirationiswhenyousaysomethingthatmakesyourpartnerwanttospeakunbidden.Withoutaninvitationoraninspiration,yourpartnermightnotknowwhattosayorwhethertorespond.That’swhyyouwanttobedeliberatetoofferinvitationsandinspirationstoyourpartner.
Invitation:TheArtofGoodQuestions
Remember,ourgoalisconversationflow.Conversationsflowwhentheymovefromtopictotopicandspeakertospeakerinawaythatfeelssmoothandnatural.Oneofyourprimarytoolsforhelpingconversationsflowistheideaofinvitation.Aninvitationissomethingyousaythat:
Communicatesveryclearlythatitisnowyourpartner’sturntotalk,and
Givesastrongsuggestionforwhatyourpartnershouldtalkabout.
Forinstance,“Whatdidyoudotoday?”isaninvitation.It’sobviousthatyouareinvitingyourpartnertospeak,andyouaregivingaclearideaforwhattheyshouldtalkabout(theirday!)
Invitationsareafoolproofsafetynetforroughspotsintheconversation.Ifyou’renotsurewhattosaynext,justthrowoutaninvitationandtheconversationwillkeepgoing.It’sidealifyourinvitationsrelatetosomethingthat’salreadybeendiscussed,butthat’snotessential(especiallyiftheconversationhashalted.)Justthrowoutaninvitationandgettheconversationrollingagain!
Mostinvitationsarequestions,butnotallquestionsaregoodinvitations.Foraquestiontobeagoodinvitation,itneedstosatisfythefirsttworulesIlistedabove,anditalsoneedstobeopen-ended.
ThePowerofGoodQuestionsBy“open-endedquestion,”Imeananinvitationthatallowsyourpartnertotalkatlength,insteadofbeinglimitedtoashortanswer.Whenyouaskaclosed-endedquestionlike,“Didyouhaveagoodweekend?”yourpartnerwilllikelyanswer“Yes”or“No.”Sinceyou’relookingforsmooth,flowingconversation,aone-wordresponseisnotideal.
Butifyouaskthesamequestioninanopen-endedway,youwillgiveyourpartneramuchbetterinvitation.Whenyouask,“Whatdidyoudothisweekend?”yourpartnerisfreetotellyouthefullstoryoftheirweekend.You’restillaskingabouttheirweekend,butyou’reaskingitinawaythatinvitesthemtoshare.
Whenyouinviteyourpartnertoshareinthisway,somethingpowerfulhappens.Notonlydoesinvitingyourpartnertosharehelptheconversationtoflow,butitalsogivesyouanopportunitytoshowyourpartnerthatyouareinterestedinthem.
Whenyouaskyourpartnerinsightfulquestionsaboutthemselves,ittellsthemthatyouwanttogettoknowthembetter.Afterall,ifyoudidn’t,whywouldyoubeaskingthequestions?Theclassicwritingruleof“Show;don’ttell”appliestoconversation,too.Whenyouaskyourpartnerquestionsaboutthemselves,you’renotjusttellingthemyouareinterestedinthem–you’reshowingthemthatyoucare.
HowtoAskGoodQuestionsNow,thereisanarttoaskinggood,insightfulquestions.Ifyouaskquestionsthatareverysuperficial(“Doyouthinkitwillrainthisweek?”),youwon’tfindoutmuchabouttheotherperson,andtheywon’tgetaclearmessagethatyouareinterestedinthem.Butifyouaskquestionsthataretoointimate(“Whatisyourdeepest,darkestsecret?”)youarelikelytomakepeopleuncomfortable.
Thetrickistostartsuperficial,andthenslowlygomoreintimatewhilekeepinganeyeontheotherperson’scomfortlevel.Ifyoufindthattheystartgivingsignsofdiscomfort,thenyoushouldasklessintimatequestions.Butiftheyaregivingyouconsistentsignalsofcomfort,thenyoucanconsiderthatagreenlighttocontinuediggingdeeper.
Twoquickwordsofwarningaboutthisprincipleofdiggingdeeper,though:
First,thisprogressionfromsuperficialtointimateissomethingthathappensoverthecourseofarelationship,notoverthecourseofoneconversation.Whenyoufirstmeetsomeone,it’sappropriatetogofromtalkingabouttheweather(verysuperficial)totalkingaboutwheretheywork(abitmoreintimate.)It’sprobablynotappropriatetogofromtalkingabouttheweathertotalkingabout(forexample)theirpainfuldivorce.
However,astimegoesbyandyouhavemoreconversationswiththisperson,eachconversationisanopportunitytodigalittledeeper.Eventuallyyoumightgettoaplacewheretheyarecomfortablesharingveryintimatethingswithyou,butthatwillusuallyhappenafteryouhavesharedmanyconversationstogether.
Second,ifyouasktheotherpersonmoreintimatequestions,youshouldsharemoreintimatethingsaboutyourself.Iftheotherpersonisopeninguptoyoubutyouarenotopeninguptothem,theywillquicklybecomeuncomfortable.
InvitationandInspirationObviously,invitationsarereallyuseful.Theycanprotectyourconversationsfromgrindingtoahalt,andtheyareapowerfultoolforbuildingintimacyandrapportwithyourconversationpartner.
However,ashandyasinvitationsare,youcan’tbuildanentireconversationoutofthem.Iftheentireconversationconsistsofexplicitinvitations,itwillfeelawkward–likeaninterviewinsteadofaconversation.Natural-feelingconversationflowsfromonespeakertothenext,sometimeswithexplicitinvitations,butoftennot.Maintainingconversationflowwithoutrelyingoninvitationsiswhereinspirationcomesin.
Inspiration:TheHeartbeatofGoodConversation
Whenconversationsflowsmoothly,peoplefeelcomfortablesharingevenwithoutaninvitation.They’llchimeinwhenevertheyhavesomethingtheywanttoshareandfeelencouragedtoshareit.
Thismeansthatinordertocreateconversationalflow,youshould:
Makeyourpartnercomfortable
Inspireyourpartnertowanttoshare
Makingyourpartnercomfortableisprettystraightforward.Befriendly,payattentiontotheirbodylanguage,andgivegoodinvitationssotheyknowyoureallywanttoknowthembetter.
ButwhatdoImeanbyinspiringyourpartner?
Well,picturetwoartiststakingturnswhilepaintingtogether.Thefirstartistmighttellthesecondartist,“Hey,whydon’tyouputsomebluehere?”andthesecondartistmightrespondwith“Ok,thenyoushouldputsomeyellowoverthere.”
That’saninvitation,andyoucancertainlymakeapainting(oraconversation!)usingnothingbutinvitations.
Butthere’sabetterway.
TheBeautyofInspirationImagethatthefirstartistpaintsaboldstreakofyellowonthecanvas.Theintensityoftheyellowinspiresthesecondartisttocreateacontrastbyaddingasomberblue,whichinturninspiresthefirstartisttouseshadingtohighlighttherelationshipbetweentheblueandyellow,whichinturninspiresthesecondartisttoaddanewcolor,andsoonuntilthepaintingiscomplete.
That’sapaintingIwouldwanttosee.
Apaintingcreatedbyinspirationbuildingoninspirationwillbefarmorecreativeandemotivethanapaintingcreatedbytradinginvitations.
Moreimportantly,theartistsundoubtedlyhadmuchmorefun(andfeltmuchclosertooneanother)whentheypaintedinthisstyle.
InspirationinConversationThatsameeffectistrueinconversation.Whenyouandyourpartnerinspireeachothertoshare,theconversationflowssmoothlyandyoufeelcloseronetooneanother.
Inanutshell,youinspiremewhensomethingthatyousharemakesmewanttosharesomething,too.Noticetheword“want”inthatdefinition.Inspirationdoesnotmakeyour
partnerfeelobligatedtoshare.Itmakesthemwanttoshare.
Thisisdifferentfromaninvitation,becauseaninvitationexplicitlytellsyourpartner,“Nowisthetimetospeak–andbytheway,thisiswhatyoushouldspeakabout.”
Bycontrast,aninspirationismuchlessexplicit.
Whenyouinspireyourpartner,youcreateawelcomingspacewheretheyareencouragedtosharebutarenotrequiredto.Inspirationalsogivesyourpartnermuchmorefreedominhowtheyrespond.Ifyouaskme,“Howwasyourweekend?”(aninvitation),Icanonlyrespondbyansweringyourquestion.Butifyoutellmeastoryfromthebowlinggameyouwenttolastweekend(aninspiration),thenIcanchoosehowIrespond.
Imightaskyouaquestionaboutthegame,orshareastoryfrommyownweekend,orgivemyopinionaboutbowlingleagues.It’suptome.
Andthatmeansit’snotuptoyou.
Whenyouweaveinspirationintoyourconversations,youcanfreeyourselffromtheresponsibilityofknowingwhattosaynext.Inspirationencouragesyouandyourpartnertocreateaconversationtogether,trustingthatthedashofgreenthatyouarepaintingnowwillinspiremewhenitcomestimeformetoputmyownbrushtothecanvas.
Youdon’tneedtohaveanendlesslistofquestionsready,ormemorizefunnyanecdotesthatyoucanshareatamoment’snotice.Youjustneedtobegenuineinwhatyoushare,andshareitinawaythatencouragesyourpartnertoshare,too.
InspirationinPractice
It’ssimpleandeasytoapplyinspirationinyourconversations.
Whenyouwanttoinspireyourpartner,bedeliberatetosharesomethingthatmightinspirethemtosharetheircuriosity,theirthoughts,ortheirstory.
Thesearenottheonlythreewaystoinspireyourpartner—anythingthatencouragesyourpartnertoshareisaninspiration.Butthesethreewaysareeffectiveandeasytolearn,soIrecommendyoufocusonthemwhileyou’repracticinginspiration.
Let’slookateachinturn:
InspireThemtoShareTheirCuriosityToinspireyourpartnertosharetheircuriosity,sharesomethingtheywanttoknowmoreabout.Useyourknowledgeoftheotherpersontoguideyouasyoucraftgreatinspirations.
Forinstance,I’mabigfanofthesingerHayleyWestenra.Ifyoutellmethatyousawherinconcert,youwillcertainlyinspiremycuriosity–I’llwanttoknowwhatsongsshesang,howlongyou’vebeenafan,andwhatyouthoughtoftheconcert.Butmentiontheconcerttosomeonewhoisnotafan,andyoumightjustgetablankstare.
Fortunately,yourinspirationsdon’thavetobeperfectlymatchedtotheotherperson.Justmakeanhonestefforttothinkaboutwhattheotherpersonwouldbeinterestedin,andyouwillusuallyendupok.
InspireThemtoShareTheirThoughtsWhenyoushareyourthoughts,itencouragesyourpartnertosharetheirown.Thoughtscanbeyouropinions,yourspeculations,oratopicthatyou’recuriousabout.
Becarefulaboutthis,though.Ifyousoundlikeyou’relecturingwhenyoushareyourthoughts,oryoubelittlepeoplewhodisagreewithyou,yourpartnerwillnotfeelcomfortabletosharetheirownthoughts.Doyourbesttoshareyourthoughtsinawaythatwelcomesdiscussionanddifferentopinions.
Ifyouhavetrustedfriendsorfamilymembers,askthemforhonestfeedbackonhowwellyouwelcomethethoughtsandopinionsofothers.It’spossiblethatyoufeelveryopentotheopinionsofothers,butyouareunconsciouslydoingsomethingthatcausesotherstofeeluncomfortable.Whenyouaskfamilyandfriendstohelpyou,it’seasytofindandfixtheseunconsciousmistakes.
InspireThemtoShareTheirStoryBystory,Imeanthestoryoftheirlife:theexperiencesthatmadethemthepersontheyare.Thiscanbebigthingslikemarriageandgraduation,orlittlethingslikeacrazyroadtripthattheydid
withtheirfriendsinhighschool.Theseexperiencesmadeyourpartnerwhotheyare,andwhentheysharetheirexperienceswithyou,youwillgettoknowthemmuchbetter.
Thebestwaytoinspireyourpartnertosharetheirstoryistoshareyourownstory.Tellthemaboutyouryearsinhighschool,andtheywillprobablyanswerwithastoryfromtheirschooldays.TellthemaboutyourtriptoEurope,andtheywillprobablyregalewiththestoryoftheirvisittoMexico.Tellthemaboutaroughtimeyouwentthroughlastyear,andtheymightsharesomeoftheirownstruggleswithyou.
Sharingyourstorydoesn’thavetomeantalkingaboutspecificevents.Youcantalkabouthowmuchyou’vealwayslovedart,ortalkabouthowaparticularfearhasalwaysbeenastruggleforyou.Theimportantthingaboutsharingyourstoryisthatyou’resharingsomethingthat’srealandthathelpsyourpartnerknowyoubetter.
Inotherwords,talkingabouthowyouridentityasaTrekkiehasshapedyoucountsassharingyourstory.TalkingaboutwhyCaptainKirkcouldtotallybeatupHanSolodoesnotcountasyourstory(becauseyou’renottalkingaboutyou!)
Also,rememberthatthesamerulesforintimacythatwepreviouslydiscussedapplyhere,too.Ifyoujustmetsomeone,youprobablyshouldn’tshareareallyprivatepartofyourstory.Givetherelationshiptimetogrow,andovertimeyoucansharemoreandmoreintimatepartsofyourstory.
AFinalWordonInspirationOnemorething.Inspirationispowerful,butit’snotanexactscience.Youmightshareanopinionwithyourpartnerinhopesofinspiringthemtosharetheirthoughts,buttheyrespondwithcuriosity—orapieceoftheirstory.That’stotallyokay.Yourgoalistoencourageyourpartnertoshare.Whattheychoosetoshareisuptothem.
Makesense?
Awesome.Nowthatyou’vebeenintroducedtobothinvitationandinspiration,let’stakealookathowtheyworktogether.
InvitationandInspirationinHarmony
Nowthatwe’velookedatbothinvitationandinspiration,let’sdiscusshowtousethemtogether.
Greatconversationsneedbothinvitationandinspiration.Aconversationbasedentirelyaroundinvitationscansoundlikeaninterview–nothingbutquestionsandanswers.Andconversationsbasedentirelyaroundinspirationsarehardtodo–whathappenswhenyouattempttoinspireyourpartnerandtheydon’trespond?
Thebestsolutionistomovesmoothlybetweeninvitationandinspiration,dependingontheneedsoftheconversation.Invitationsaddguidanceandstructuretoaconversation,andinspirationsaddintimacyandflexibility.
Ingeneral,thismeansyoushouldstartconversationswithmostlyinvitations,andusemoreinspirationsastheconversationprogresses.Ifyoufindthepersonisnotrespondingtoyourinspirations,ortheconversationhasanawkwardpause,thenreturntousingmoreinvitationsuntiltheconversationismovingagain.
Inotherwords,whenmoreinspirationseemsappropriate,usemoreinspiration–butdon’tbeafraidtothrowafewinvitationsinthere(orviceversa.)
Youshoulduseinvitationsmorefrequently:
Whentheconversationbegins
Whenyoudon’tknowtheotherpersonverywell
Whenyourpartnerdoesn’tseemtoknowwhattosaynext
Andyoushoulduseinspirationmorefrequently:
Afteryourpartnerhassharedsomethingpersonalwithyou
Afteryourpartnerhasaskedyouapersonalquestion
Afteryou’vegottentoknowyourpartnerbetter
MovingBetweenInvitationandInspirationYouwanttostartconversationswithmostlyinvitationsandthenmovetomostlyinspirations,becausethisstartswiththefocusonyourpartner,notonyou.
Ifyoubeginyourconversationwithinspirations,thenyou’reputtingthefocusfirstonyou.Youhaven’tgivenyourpartneranyreasontobelievethatyoucareabouttheirthoughts,sothey’reunlikelytorespondtoyourinspiration.Plus,becauseyou’veonlytalkedaboutyourself,yourpartnermightassumethatyouareself-centered–anoutcomebestavoided.
Butwhenyoustartwithinvitations,thefocusisclearlyonyourpartner.Yourquestionsreassureyourpartnerthatyouareinterestedinthemandwanttoheartheirthoughts,soyourpartnerwill
feelcomfortablechiminginwhenyoueventuallygivethemaninspiration.
Now,onceyouknowsomeonewell,youdon’tneedtoworryaboutthisasmuch.Ifyourconversationpartnerisaclosefriend,they’llalreadyknowthattheycanrespondtoyourinspirations.Yourfriendshipletsthemknowthatyoucareaboutthemandtheirthoughts,whichmakesinvitationslessimportant.Butasageneralrule,it’salwayssafetostartwithmoreinvitationsandmovetomoreinspirations.
Soundgood?Ok,backtothedeli.(Yourememberthedelimetaphor,right?)
TheDeli,Day2It’sanotherdayinthemagicaldeliwhereyoursandwichrepresentsyourconversation.Youask,“Howwasyourweekend?”andslidethesandwichdownthecounter.Thisisaclearinvitation,soyourpartnerknowswhattosay.
Sureenough,yourpartnerreplies“Oh,itwasgreat.Howwasyours?”andslidesthesandwichback.Anotherclearinvitation.Youandyourpartneraredoingagreatjobofstartingtheconversationwithinvitationstoshowinterestineachother.
Here’swherethingsgetdifferent.
Inourfirstintroductiontothedelimetaphor,yourespondedtoyourpartner’squestionwithaflat“Itwasfine.”Thatkilledtheconversationandstoppedthesandwich.Thistime,let’sseewhathappenswhenyoutryadifferentresponse.
Insteadofsaying,“Itwasfine”,yousay:
“Oh,itwasgreat.Ijustadoptedanewdogfromtheshelter,sowewentdowntothedogparkandplayedfetch.ThenIwenttothenewTransformersmoviewithmyfriends.Ididn’treallylikeit,butthespecialeffectswerecool.”
Youslidethesandwichbacktoyourpartner,anditzoomsdownthecounter—success!
Bynow,youknowwhathappened:Yourreplyhasbecomeaclearinspiration.Yourpartnermightchoosetoaskyouaboutyourexperiencesadoptingthedog(curiosity),tellyouabouttheirfavoritegametoplaywiththeirowndog(sharingtheirstory),ortellyoutheiropinionofTransformers(thoughts.)
Evenifyouhadonlymentionedoneofthosethreethings,itstillwouldhavebeenafineinspiration—youdon’tneedtoinspirecuriosityandthoughtsandstory-sharingallatthesametime.Theimportantthingisthatyousharedsomethingaboutyourself,andyoucreatedaspacewhereyourpartnercouldsharesomethingaboutthemselves.
Ofcourse,thesandwichshopisjustametaphor.Buttheprincipleofinvitationandinspirationworksinreallifejustaswell.Combineinspirationwithinvitation,andyounowhavethetoolstomakesurethateveryoneofyourconversationsflowssmoothlyandfeelsnatural.
Andyourinstructionsforhowtousethosetoolsisverysimple:
Eachtimethatyouspeak,eithergiveyourpartneranexplicitinvitationtospeak,orsharesomethingthatinspiresyourpartnertoshareinreturn.
That’sit.That’sthecoreofsmoothconversation.
Bonus:TenEasyTipsforImprovingConversation
1.Whenyou'restartingaconversationwithsomeone,referenceyoursocialcontextforyourfirsttopic.Forinstance,ifyouseesomeoneinclass,starttheconversationbyaskingthemwhattheythoughtofthetestyoutookyesterday.Ifyouseesomeoneataparty,askthemhowtheyknowtheparty'shost.
2.Don'tletyourmouthmovefasterthanyourmind.Insteadoftalkingwhenyou'renotsurewhattosay,pauseforamomentandcollectyourthoughts.Nobodywillmindashortdelay,andwhenyouspeak,you'llsoundmuchmorepolished.
3.Gettheotherpersontosharestories,notfacts.“Wheredoyouwork?”isaskingthemforafact.“What'sitliketoworkthere?”willencouragethemtoshareastorywithyou.
4.Don'tgettrappedinaconversationtopicwhenneitheryounortheotherpersonisinterested.Ifyoucantellthatbothofyoufindtheconversationuninteresting,seguetoadifferenttopic.
5.Ifaperson'storsoandfeetstarttopointawayfromyou,theyareprobablyreadytoleavetheconversation(eveniftheirheadisstillpointingtoyou.)Gracefullybringtheconversationtoaclose.Note:Thisruledoesn'tapplyifthereisagoodreasonwhytheirfeetandtorsoshouldfaceawayfromyou(e.g.ifyouareseatedinanairplane.)
6.Ifyou'reaskingmultipleopen-endedquestionsandgettingonlyshortresponses,theotherpersonmightfeeluncomfortableorboredwiththeconversation.(Forexample,ifyouasksomeone,“Howwasyoursummervacation?”andtheysay,“Ok,Iguess,”thatisashortanswertoanopen-endedquestion.)Trychangingtopicsorgivingthemtheopportunitytoendtheconversation.
7.Giveyourselfpermissiontofail.Noteveryconversationisgoingtobeflawless–Istillmakesocialmistakessometimes,andIteachsocialskillsforaliving.Gobythephilosophyof“Sometimesyouwin,andsometimesyoulearn.”Inotherwords,ifyoumessupinaconversation,don'tstressout;justfigureoutwhatyoucanlearnfromtheexperience.
8.Ifyoufeelyourissueswithconversationaremostlycausedbysocialanxietyorself-confidenceissues,considerseeingaprofessionalcounselor.Thereareveryeffectivetherapiesforsocialanxietyandlowself-confidence,andtherightcounselorcouldreallyhelpyou.
9.Ifyoueverfindyourselfatalossforwhattosay,trysharingastoryfromyourownlifethatrelatestosomethingfromearlierintheconversation.
10.Rememberthatconversationisaskilllikeanyother.Ifyoupracticeatitalittleeveryday,you'llgetmuchbetterovertime.Considersettingyourselfagoaltodoone
thingtoimproveyourconversationskillseveryday–perhapsreadingaconversationbook,talkingtoafriend,orgoingtoasocialevent.
Chapter4:GroupConversation
Intheprevioussectiononconversation,Ilaidoutadetailedblueprintforconversation.Iexplainedhowtobuildconversationsthatflowsmoothly,feelcomfortable,andlaythefoundationforgreatrelationships.
However,mostsocialinteractiontakesplaceinagroupsetting,andnavigatingthewatersofgroupconversationcanbemuchtrickierthanone-on-oneconversations.
Trickier,thatis,untilyouknowtheprinciplesbehindgroupconversationsandjoininggroups.Andasluckwouldhaveit,thoseprinciplesarewhatwe’lldiscussnext.
GroupConversationcontainsthreelessons:
OpenandClosedGroupsInordertosuccessfullyjoinagroupatasocialevent,it’simportanttomakesurethegroupiswelcomingtonewmembers.Ifyouknowhowtoreadagroup’sbodylanguage,it’seasytodiscernwhetheragroupisopenorclosedtonewmembers.Inthislesson,Iteachyouthekeysignalsthatshowagroupisopentoyourapproach.
JoiningGroupConversationOnceyou’veidentifiedawelcominggroup,youneedtowalkupandstartparticipatingintheconversation.That’seasiersaidthandone,sothislessonteachesyouthepracticaltechniquesyouneedtojoinnewgroupsandparticipateingroupconversations.
GroupConversationFlowOnceyou’vebegunparticipatinginagroupconversation,howdoyoumakesurethattheconversationcontinuestoflowsmoothly?Andhowdoyouspeakupinconversationswhereyoufeeluncomfortableorontheoutskirts?Thislessonhastheanswers.
OpenandClosedGroups
Inthenextfewlessons,we’lldiscusshowtoparticipateingroupconversations.
However,toparticipateingroupconversations,youneedtojoinagroup.Thatcanbeeasiersaidthandone.
I’veoftenwalkedintoasocialevent,onlytofindeveryonealreadybunchedupinsmallgroups.Nobodywavestoinvitemeintotheirgroup,andIdon’tseeanyothersolitarynewcomerstoclingto.
You’veprobablybeenthere,too,andstandingaloneisarealbummer.Whatdoyoudo?
Well,firstofall,don’tpanic.
Second,takeamomenttoscantheroomforagrouptojoin.Youwanttoquicklycategorizegroupsintoopengroupsandclosedgroups.
Opengroupsandclosedgroupsareexactlywhattheysoundlike.Opengroupsareopentonewpeoplejoiningthem,whileclosedgroupsarenotopentonewcomers.
ClosedGroupsYoucannormallytellwhetheragroupisopenorclosedbylookingattheirbodylanguage.Forinstance,aclosedgroupwillcloseofffromthecrowd—theywillmoveclosertogether,plugthegapsinbetweenmembersofthegroup,andturndirectlytowardseachother.
Closedgroupsarenotnecessarilyunfriendly,andagroupthatisclosednowmightbecomeopenlater.Whenagroupisclosed,allitmeansisthattheyarecontentwiththenumberofpeoplecurrentlyintheconversation,andthey’renotinterestedinmorepeoplejoining.Theymightbeclosedbecausetheyarediscussingasensitivetopic,orsimplybecausetheydon’twanttogothroughtherigmaroleofwelcominganewpersontothegroup.
Peoplerarelymakeaconsciousdecisiontocloseofftheirgroup;theclosedsignalsthatyouseearetheirbodylanguagecommunicatingtheirdesiretobeleftalone.Respectthesignaltheirbodylanguageissending,andfocusinsteadonopengroups.
OpenGroupsOpengroupsaregroupsthatdon’tmindnewpeoplejoiningthem.Theyhavea“themorethemerrier”mindset,andpeoplemightflowinandoutofthesegroupsnaturally.Thesearethegroupsyouwanttotarget.
Theeasiestwaytofindopengroupsisbylookingatbodylanguage.Openbodylanguagewilllookdifferentdependingonhowmanypeopleareinagroup,solet’sexaminethedifferentwaysgroupswillshowtheiropenness.
OnePerson
Openandclosedisnotlimitedtogroups–individualscanalsobeopenandclosed.Oneopenpersonwillbefacingthecrowdandnotbusy.Lookforfullfacings—theirfeet,torsoandfaceallpointedtowardsthecenteroftheroomortowardsthecrowd.Theywilllookalertandexcited,andreadyforsomeonetocomeover.
Incontrast,closedindividualswillbelookingdown,facingtowardsthedoor,orotherwiseorientingthemselvesawayfromthegroup.It’scommontoalsoseethembusywithanactivity–readingabook,texting,etc.
However,it’spossiblethatindividualsthatmightlookclosedwouldactuallylovetobeapproached,butinsteadclosethemselvesoffbecausetheyfeelshyoruncomfortable.Becauseofthis,it’susuallyfinetoapproachaclosedindividualaslongasyouarecautious.Keepaneyeontheirbodylanguage,andbereadytogracefullyexittheconversationifyousensetheywouldrathernottalk.
Inotherwords,iftheylightupwhenyousayhelloandyouseetheirbodylanguagebecomingmorecomfortable,thenyouhaveagreenlighttokeepchatting.Ontheotherhand,iftheirbodylanguageremainsuncomfortableortheyactstandoffishandcold,it’sbestforyoutoexcuseyourself.
TwoorThreePeopleForapairortrioofpeopletalking,lookathowtheyfaceoneanother.Ifgroupmembersarefacingdirectlytowardseachother,theyaremorelikelytobeclosed.Incontrast,ifgroupmembersareangledawayfromoneanother,theymightbehappytohaveyoujointheirgroup.
Todeterminewheresomeoneisfacing,payattentiontowheretheirfeet,torso,andfacearepointed.It’scommontofindtwopeoplewhosefacesarepointedateachother,butwhosefeetandtorsosarefacingthecrowd.Themoreofthosethreefactors(feet,torso,andface)arepointedawayfromothergroupmembers,thestrongertheindicationthatyouwouldbewelcometojointheirgroup.
LargeGroupsForlargegroups,payattentiontotheshapeofthegroup.Opengroupshavegapslargeenoughforyoutowalkthrough.Lookforsomethinglikeahorseshoeshape–thegapinthehorseshoeiswhereyoucanstandtoentertheconversation.Groupswithnolargegapsbetweentheirmembersareclosedoff,andyouwillhaveadifficulttimebreakingintothem.
Also,keepaneyeoutforlargegroupsformedaroundpublicspaces.Bypublicspaces,Imeananareaoractivityatasocialeventthateveryoneiswelcometojoin.Ifyou’reataSuperbowlparty,theTVisapublicspace.Ifyou’recamping,sittingaroundthefireisapublicspace.Groupsformedaroundapublicspacearealmostalwaysopengroups,anditwillusuallybesociallyacceptabletojointhem.
JoiningaGroup
Whenyouknowhowtoreadopenandclosedbodylanguage,findingtherightgrouptojoiniseasy.Justmakesurethatyoucontinuetopayattentiontobodylanguageonceyou’vejoinedagroup.Ifthegroupturnsawayfromyouorotherwiseclosesoff,perhapstheywerenotopenafterall,andyoushouldseekgreenerpastures.Inmostcases,though,thegroupwillstayopenorturntowardsyou—ifthathappens,youcanrelaxandenjoytheconversation.
Ofcourse,it’shardtoenjoytheconversationifyouareonlyalistener.It’sonethingtojoinagroupconversation,andanothertobeafullparticipant.Fortunately,withalittlepracticeyou’llfinditeasytojumpintogroupconversations!
JoiningGroupConversations
Knowledgeofopenandclosedgroupswillguideyoutowardsthebestconversationalgroupstojoin,butyoustillhavetoactuallyjoinagroup.Simplystandingnearanopengroupdoesyounogood;yourgoalistobecomeafullmemberoftheconversation.
It’spossiblethatsomeoneelsewillinviteyouintoagroupwithoutanyeffortonyourpart,butit’sbestnottoleavethingstochance.Onceyou’veapproachedagroup,youneedtobedeliberatetointegrateyourselfintotheconversation.
Fortunately,integratingyourselfintoaconversationiseasywhenyouknowhow.Youhavetwooptionsforintegratinginagroup–thedirectapproachandtheindirectapproach.
TheDirectApproachThedirectapproachissimpleandstraightforward.
Walkuptothegroupandwaitforabriefpauseintheconversationorforattentiontoturntoyou.Then,introduceyourselfandimmediatelyaskafollow-upquestion.
Thetrickhereistohaveaquestiontoaskimmediatelyaftertheintroductions.Ifyouwalkupandintroduceyourself,thenjuststandthere,that’sawkward.Butifyouintroduceyourselfandthenaskanengagingquestion,you’reofftoagoodstart.
Twothingstokeepinmindwiththisquestion,though:
First,makesureyouropeningquestionrelatestothecontext.
Ifyoudon’treferencethecontext,yourquestioncanseemweirdorawkward.Butifyoureferencethecontext,peoplearemuchmorelikelytoacceptyourquestion.
Bycontext,Imeantheenvironmentaroundyou,aswellastheinformationthepersonisdisplayingaboutthemselves.Ifyou’reataparty,thepartyistheenvironmentalcontext,soyoucanaskquestionslike,“Howareyouenjoyingtheparty?”or“Haveyoutriedthechocolatefonduefountainyet?”
Youcanalsolookattheinformationthepersonisdisplayingaboutthemselves–forinstance,thethingsthepersoniswearingortheactivitiesthepersonisparticipatingin.IfsomeoneiswearingaDarthVadershirt,youcouldmentiontheirshirtandaskthemiftheyareaStarWarsfan.Ifsomeonesangakaraokesong,youcouldaskthemwheretheylearnedtosing.
Justmakesurethatit’sclearwhatyou’rereferencing.IfsomeoneiswearingaDarthVadershirtbutyoudon’tmakeanymentionoftheshirtwhenyouaskthemaboutStarWars,theymightbeconfusedbyyourquestion.Otherwise,it’sprettyeasytousethecontextinyouropeningquestion.
Second,makesureyouropeningquestionisopen-endedandengaging.
Idiscussopen-endedquestionsatlengthinthesectiononinvitation,soIwon’trepeatmyselfhere.Butifyou’refuzzyonhowtoaskagoodquestion,makesureyoureadthatsectionandrefreshyourmemorybeforejumpingintoconversations.Remember,yourgoalwiththedirectapproachistogetaconversationrolling,andyoucan’tdothatwithaclosed-endedquestion.
Ofcourse,it’snotalwayseasytojustwalkupandintroduceyourself.Forthetimeswhereamoresubtlemethodisneeded,youcanapplytheindirectapproach.
TheIndirectApproachThedirectapproachrequiresyoutointerruptwhateverthegroupwaspreviouslydiscussing,andredirecttheconversationtowardswhateveryouropeningquestionwas.Withtheindirectapproach,youjoininwiththegroup’sexistingdiscussion.Bothapproachesareperfectlyvalid,sofeelfreetotryboth.
Youhaveafewdifferentoptionsformakinganindirectapproach:
Joinagroupthatincludessomeoneyouknow.
Thisistheeasiestoption.Whenyoujointhegroupcircle,makeeyecontactwithyourfriendandgreettheminsomeway(wave,nod,sayhello).Thegoalistobothletyourfriendknowthatyouarethere,andtoleteveryoneelseinthegroupknowthatthetwoofyouarefriends.Whenthishappens,yourfriendwillofteninviteyouintotheconversation,orsomeoneelseinthegroupwillaskyourfriendtointroduceyou.Eitherway,youhavesuccessfullyjoinedtheconversation.
Jointhegroupwithoutannouncingyourself,thenparticipateasifyouwerethereallalong.
Thiscanfeelawkwardatfirst,butpeoplewillusuallyquicklyacceptyourpresence,especiallyifyou’reinacontext(likeaparty)wherepeoplearemovinginandoutofgroupsallthetime.It’salsomorelikelytoworkwithlargergroups–ifthereareonlytwoorthreepeopleinagroup,youprobablyneedtoannounceyourselfwhenyoujoin.
Also,bearinmindthatthismethodonlyworkswithopengroups.Ifagroupisdisplayingclosedbodylanguage,youcanseriouslyirritatethembywanderingintotheirconversationuninvited,sobecareful.Ifyou’renotsurewhetherornotagroupisopen,it’sbesttonotusethisapproach.
Joinbymentioningsomethingyouoverheard.
Thisworksbestifyouarenearthegroupandcanlistenforaperiodoftimebeforejoining.Justlistenuntilyouoverhearsomethingthatyoucancommenton,thenturntothegroupandsaysomethinglike,“Wait,areyouguystalkingaboutthenewSwitchfootalbum?Iliketheirolderstuff–doyouthinkIshouldgetthenewalbum?”Don’tspendverymuchtimelisteningfortheperfecttopictojumpinon.Evenifyoursegueisslightlyforced,peoplewillusuallyacceptit.
EnjoyingGroupConversationOnceyou’vejoinedaconversation,relaxandenjoy.Makesureyouspeakupeverynowandthen,butdon’tmonopolizetheconversation(otherpeoplewanttotalktoo).Usegroupconversationsasaplacetolearnmoreaboutpotentialfriends.Ifyouconnectwithsomeoneinagroupconversation,trytochatwiththemlaterone-on-oneandgettoknowthembetter.
Ofcourse,therearesomeprinciplesofgroupconversationthatwillhelpyoumakethemostofthoseinteractionsandincreaseyourchancesofmakinganewfriendfromagroupconversation.Ournextlessontellsyoueverythingyouneedtoknowaboutsmoothflowinggroupconversation,sokeepreading!
GroupConversationFlow
Intheprevioussectiononconversation,wediscussedhowinvitationandinspirationworktogethertohelpconversationsflow.Withalittlepractice,youwillfinditeasytouseinvitationsorinspirationstoavoidawkwardpausesandkeeptheconversationflowing.
Theseprinciplescanalsobeadaptedtogroupconversations.Groupconversationistricky,becauseitforcesyoutodivideyourattentionamongallmembersofthegroup.Butwithalittlepractice,you’llfindgroupconversationcanbejustasrewardingandfunasone-on-oneconversation
GroupConversationFlowConversationflowisjustasimportantingroupsasitisintwo-personconversation.Nomatterhowmanypeopleareparticipatinginaconversation,it’simportantfortheconversationtoflowsmoothlyandfeelcomfortable.
However,yourroleincreatingconversationflowwillbedifferentwhentherearemorepeopleintheconversation.
Intwo-personconversation,youhelpedtocreateflowbyensuringthatyourpartneralwayswantedtospeakonceyoustoppedspeaking.Butwhentherearemultiplepeopleintheconversation,flowtakesadifferentform.Becausetherearemanyparticipantsintheconversation,it’slikelytherewillalwaysbeatleastonepersonwhoiswillingtospeakup.
Thismeansthatinspirationisnotasessential.It’sstillimportanttosharesomethingthatinspiresotherstoshareaswell,butwithmultipleparticipantstheconversationislikelytocontinueevenifyoudon’tinspireanyoneelsetoshare.
LettingEveryonebeHeardHowever,it’snotuncommonforafewspeakerstomonopolizetheconversation,whileeveryoneelseinthegroupsimplylistens.Whileonoccasionthisisok–sometimesfolksjustwanttolisten–it’snotgoodwhensomeonewantstospeakbutdoesn’tfeelincluded.That’swhyit’simportanttomakesurethateverypersonintheconversationfeelsinvitedtospeak.
Thismeansexactlywhatitsoundslike.Periodically,trytomakeinvitationstothosewhohavenotspokenmuch,sotheyhavetheopportunitytojointheconversation.Askthemaquestion,ortheiropinion,orsaysomethinglike,“Ohyeah,Jackhadanexperiencelikethat–Jack,whydon’tyoutellusaboutthetimeyou…”Whenyoudo,theywillfeelencouragedtospeak,andlaterintheconversationtheywillbemorelikelytochimeinwithoutneedinganinvitation.
It’sdoublyimportanttodothisifyounoticesignsofdiscomfortfromsomeonewhoisnotspeaking.Ifsomeoneisshowingsignsofdiscomfortandisnotspeakingup,theymightfeelexcludedorwonderiftheyarereallywantedintheconversationgroup.Dispeltheirfearsbydrawingthemintotheconversation,andyouwilllikelyberewardedbyseeingtheirbody
languagerelax.
Now,youdon’tneedtobeonconstantpatrolforpeoplewhoarenotspeakingup.Yourprimaryfocusshouldbeonenjoyingtheconversation.Butwhenyounoticesomeonewhohasfallensilent,extendinganinvitationtothemwillkeeptheconversationflowing.
Pluswhenyoudrawsomeoneintoaconversation,youmakethemfeelwelcomeandincluded.I’veexperiencedbeingontheoutskirtsofagroupatvarioustimesinmylife,andIstillrememberthepeoplewhomadethespecialefforttodrawmein.Whenyoumakeanefforttoinvitepeopletoparticipateintheconversation,younotonlyencouragetheconversationtoflow,butyoumightsparkthebeginningofafriendship.
LettingYourselfbeHeardOfcourse,sometimesyouaretheonewhofeelsontheoutskirtsofagroup.Whatdoyoudointhatsituation?
Well,there’snoone-size-fits-allperfectsolution.Butinordertofindtherightsolutionforyou,justfollowonesimplerule:Self-examinetoseewhereyourfeelingsofexclusionarecomingfrom
It’simportanttoknowwhyyoufeelexcludedinagroupbecausethesourceofthosefeelingswillhelpdeterminehowyourespondtothosefeelings.Doyoufeellikeyouareontheoutskirtsbecausenobodyinthegroupistalkingwithyou?Well,perhapsyouneedtotakethefirststepandbemoredeliberatetojointheirconversation.
Doyoufeelexcludedbecausegroupmembersareactivelymakingfunofyouandputtingyoudown,orbecausegroupmembershavemadeitexplicitlycleartheydon’twanttospendtimewithyou?Well,chancesarethefolksinthatgrouparenotgoodfriendmaterialanyway.Youshouldcutyourlosses,leavethatgroup,andspendtimewithpeoplewhowillbegoodfriendstoyou.
Doyourfeelingsofexclusionspringfromyourownsocialanxietyratherthantheactualbehaviorofthegroupmembers?Perhapsyoushouldspendsometimegettingintouchwithyourownfeelings,soyoucantellwhenotherstrulydon’twantyouthereorwhenyoursenseofexclusionissimplyyouranxietytalking.
Nomatterwhyyoufeelexcluded,you’llfindthattakingthetimetoreflectonthesourceofyourfeelingsmakesiteasytodevelopanappropriateresponse.Andwhenyouknowhowtorespond,you’llbeabletonegateyourfeelingsofexclusionandenjoyeverythinggroupconversationhastoofferyou.Nomorebeingheldbackbyfearorawkwardness.Justyou,somesoon-to-be-friends,andsmooth,enjoyablegroupconversation.That’sagoalworkworkingfor.
Chapter5:Empathy
Empathyistheartofseeingtheworldassomeoneelseseesit.Whenyouhaveempathy,itmeansyoucanunderstandwhatapersonisfeelinginagivenmomentandunderstandwhyotherpeople’sactionsmadesensetothem.
Empathyhelpsustocommunicateourideasinawaythatmakessensetoothers,andithelpsusunderstandotherswhentheycommunicatewithus.Itisoneofthefoundationalbuildingblocksofgreatsocialinteractionand,quiteobviously,powerfulstuff.
Buthowdoyougetempathy?Howdoyouunderstandwhatsomeoneelseisfeeling,ifthatisn’thappeningautomatically?
Well,toacertainextentwearealldesignedtonaturallyempathizewithothers.Ourbrainsarewiredtoexperiencetheemotionsthatsomeoneelseisfeeling.That’swhywewincewhensomeonehitstheirhandwithahammer,orwhywe’remorelikelytolaughifsomeoneelseislaughingtoo.There’sanexcellentbookcalledSocialIntelligenceonthistopic,whichexplainsalloftheresearchbehindthisnaturalempathy.
Unfortunately,onlyafewpeoplehaveexcellentnaturalempathy.Ourempathicwiringexistsonacontinuum.Somepeoplehavefantasticnaturalempathyandcanpickuponhowsomeoneelseisfeelingjustbylookingatthem.Somepeoplehaveonlyatinyamountofnaturalempathy,andtheywon’tnoticethatyouareangryuntilyoustartyelling.Mostpeopleliesomewhereinthemiddleandunderstandhowsomeoneelseisfeelingonlypartofthetime.
Fortunately,empathyisparttalentandparttraining.Dependingonyourstartinglevelofability,gettingbetteratempathymightrequiremoreorlessworkthansomeoneelse–butnomatterwhatyourstartingpoint,youcanteachyourselftobebetteratempathy.
Andthissectionisheretoteachyouhow.
Empathycontainsthreelessons:
UnderstandingYourselfIfyouwanttounderstandtheemotionsofothers,youhavetolearntoempathizewithyourself.UnderstandingYourselfwaswrittentohelpyouunderstandandacceptyouremotions.Understandingandacceptingyourownfeelingsisessentialforahealthylife,andit’sthefoundationofempathizingwithothers.
UnderstandingOthersThroughpracticeandacommitmenttothoughtfulness,anyonecanlearntounderstandhowothersarethinkingandfeeling.UnderstandingOthersistheblueprintthatshowsyouhow.
NonverbalEmpathyWhenyouunderstandwhatsomeoneelseisthinkingorfeeling,itbecomeseasiertointeractwiththem.Butthere’sanonverbalaspecttointeractionthatdeservesspecialattention.Theknowledgeyougainfromempathycanhelpyoutouseappropriatenonverbalcommunication.NonverbalEmpathyexplainshow.
UnderstandingYourself
Learningtoempathizewithothersisakeyskillinsocialinteractions.Ifyouunderstandwhatotherpeoplearethinkingandfeeling,you’llbeabletobeabetterfriendandhavebetterinteractions.
However,tolearntoempathizewithothers,youfirstneedtolearntoempathizewithyourself.
Thatsoundsreallytouchy-feely,butstickwithme.Thisisimportant,andincrediblypractical.Learningtoempathizewithyourselfmeanslearningtounderstandandacceptwhatyou’refeelingandwhyyou’refeelingit.
Ifyou’refeelingangry,youshouldbeabletorecognize,“Ifeelangry,”andunderstandthereasonswhyyoufeelangry.Youshouldbeokwithfeelingyouremotionsandnotignorethemorstiflethem.
Fundamentally,ifsomethingreallybadhappenedtoyou,itshouldbeOKthatyoufeelsad.Youshouldgiveyourselfpermissiontofeelsad.Sometimes,wegetthisideathatweneedtoacthappyallthetime,orthatourproblemsarenotasimportantastheproblemsofothers,sowefeelselfishwhenwearesadorupset.
Butthat’snottrue.Yourproblemsmatter,becauseyoumatter.Andifsomethingishappeningtohurtyouormakeyoufeelsad,it’soktoexpressthatsadnessandtoletyourselffeelthatsadness.Youdon’thavetokeepthatbottledup.
AcceptingYourEmotionsOfcourse,it’sagreatideatotrytoimproveyoursituation,sowhateveriscausingyoutofeelsadisn’tcausingthatsadnessanymore.Youdon’thavetoSTAYsad.
And,althougheveryonegetssadorangrysometimes,ifitseemslikeyou’resadorangryallthetime,youshouldthinkseriouslyaboutseeingacounselor.Justlikeadoctorcanhelpyouhealphysically,acounselorcanhelpyouhealemotionally,andthere’snoshameintalkingtoone.
Thatgoesformorethanjustunderstandingemotions,bytheway.Ifyou’restrugglingwithdepressionoranxietyorlonelinessoranynumberofotherthings,seeacounselor.There’snoshameinit,anditmightjustchange–orsave–yourlife.(Ifyouneedtotalktosomeonerightaway,call1-800-442-HOPEandyou’llbeconnectedtoavolunteercounselorforfree.)
Butthepointisthatyoushouldgiveyourselfpermissiontoexperiencethefeelingsyouhave.Ifsomethingbadhappenedtoyou,it’sokthatyoufeelsad.Youshouldfeelcomfortabletellingfriendsandfamilywhatyou’refeeling,evenwhenyou’renotfeelingpositive,orevenwhenyou’renotsurewhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Onafundamentallevel,youshouldacceptthatyouremotionsareapartofyou,andjustasyouneedtoacceptyourself,youneedtoacceptyouremotions.
Takeasecondandre-readthroughthatparagraphagain.No,really.Gobackandreadit.I’llwait.
UnderstandingYourEmotionsAskyourselfseriouslyifthesethingsaretrueforyou.Doyouunderstandthecauseofyouremotionswhenyoufeelsomething?Doyougiveyourselfpermissiontofeelanemotion?Doyouacceptthatit’soktofeelthewayyoudo?Doyouhaveahealthywaytoexpressthoseemotions?
Iftheanswertoanyofthosequestionsis,“No,”or,“I’mnotsure,”thentakesometimetothinkthroughhowyouexperienceemotions.Askyourselfwhyyouareansweringinthatway,andwhatyouneedtodotobetterempathizewithyourself.Talkwithsomeoneyoutrustandgettheiradviceandsupport,orconsidermakinganappointmentwithacounselor.
Itmighttakesometimetoprocessthroughthis,butit’sworththeinvestment.Havingasolidandhealthyunderstandingofyourownemotionshelpsyoutoliveahappy,healthylife.Humansareemotionalbeings,andyouremotionsareapartofwhoyouare.
And,ofcourse,emotionsareapartofeveryoneelse,too.Ifyouunderstandwhatit’slikewhenyoufeelanemotion,you’llbebetterabletounderstandandinteractwithapersonwhoisfeelingsomethingsimilar.Soevenifyoudon’twanttounderstandyouremotionsforyourownsake,doitforthesakeofyourrelationshipswithothers.It’sworthit.
ThinkingItThroughIhaveanexerciseforyoutodotoday.Itmightseemalittleweird,buttrustme–Ithinkyou’llfindalotofbenefittoit.
Asyougothroughtheday,keepaneyeonyouremotions,andlookforthetimesinwhichyouarefeelingsomething(whetherthatsomethingisfrustrationorhappinessorsadnessorboredomoranythingelse).Then,takethetimetothinkthroughwhyyou’refeelingthatway.
Iwantyoutogobelowthesurfacehere.It’seasytohavesomeonecutyouoffintrafficandsay,“Well,IfeelangrybecauseIwascutoff.”Butifyouthinkabitdeeper,youmightfindthatyou’reangrybecausetheotherdriverdisrespectedyou,andyouoftendon’tfeelrespectedinyourotherrelationships.Or,youmightfeelangrybecauseyou’rehurtingfromahardtimethatyou’regoingthrough,butyou’renotacknowledgingthatpain.Youmightevenrealizeyoudon’thaveagoodreasontobeangry,andthenyourangerfadesaway.
Thinkthroughyouremotioninwhateverwayworksbestforyou.Perhapsyoumightsetasidesometimeattheendofthedaytogoforawalk,soyouhaveaquiettimetothink.Perhapsyoucouldwritedownyourthoughtsonyouremotionsfortheday,andthencompareyournotesfromdifferentdaystolookfortrends.Orperhapsyoushouldaskafriendorfamilymembertohelpyouunderstandyouremotions,andtalkitoverwiththem.
Whatevertheresult,Ithinkyou’llfindattheendofthedayyouunderstandyourselfabitbetter,
whichinturnwillmakeiteasierforyoutounderstandothers.Giveitatry.Andwhenyoufeelyouarestartingtounderstandyourownemotions,readontofindouthowtounderstandtheemotionsofothers.
UnderstandingOthers
Inthelastlesson,wetalkedabouthowtoempathizewithyourself.Empathizingwithyourselfhelpsyoutoempathizewithothers,becauseifyouunderstandyourownfeelingsitiseasiertounderstandthefeelingsofothers.
However,ifyoureallywanttounderstandothers,youneedmorethanself-empathy.Youalsoneedtospendsometimethinkingaboutthewayotherpeopleunderstandtheworld.
Thissoundscomplicated,butitreallyboilsdowntoonething:
Trainyourselftoaskthequestion“Howdoesthissituationappeartotheotherperson?”duringeveryinteraction–andspendthebraincyclesnecessarytothinkofareasonableanswer.
Thegoalhereisnottobeamindreaderortoknowwithcertaintywhattheotherpersonisthinking.Allyouneedtodoisimaginewhatitwouldbeliketobethatperson,andmakesomereasonableguessesaboutwhatthatpersonisthinkingorfeeling.
EmpathyandtheArtofSockCollectionForinstance,let’ssayafriendcornersyouandstartschattingaboutatopicyoufindexcruciatinglyboring(theirsockcollection,perhaps).
Ifyouviewthesituationfromyourperspective,you’reliabletogetfrustratedandsnapatyourfriend–theyshouldhaveknownhowboringsocksaretoyou!
Butifyoutakethetimetolookatitfromthefriend’sperspective,yougetabetterunderstandingoftheiractions.Mostlikely,ifthepersonisyourfriend,theycareaboutyouandthey’renottryingtoboreyou.Chancesarethatintheirexcitementtotellsomeoneabouttheirnewalpacawoolcrewsocks,theyjustforgothowboringsocksaretoyou.
Fromyourperspective,youhavebeentrappedinaboringconversation.Fromtheirperspective,they’resharingsomethingexcitingwithyou.
Onceyoutakethetimetolookatitfromtheirperspective,youcanhandlethesituationinamuchbetterway.Youwon’tsnapatthemnow–youunderstandthattheydon’tmeantoboreyou.
Instead,youmighttrytogentlychangethesubject.Or,youmightdecidethisisanopportunitytogrowclosertoyourfriend,andusetheconversationtofindoutmoreaboutsomething(socks!)thatisimportanttothem.
TheDangerofYourPerspectiveUnfortunately,ournaturaltendencyistoseethingsfromourownperspective(that’swhyit’scalledOURperspective.)
Ratherthantryingtofindouthowtheotherpersonseesthings,wetrytoconvincethemtoseethingsourway.Insteadofacceptingthattheotherpersonwillalwaysseethingsdifferently,wegetangryatthemfornotseeingthingsthesamewaywedo.
Iusedtobeguiltyofthisallthetime.Iwoulddosomethingthatmyparentsfounddisrespectful,sotheywouldgetupsetwithme.Then,Iwouldgetupsetwiththemforbeingupsetwithme!
Ididn’tmeantobedisrespectful,soIbecameindignantwhentheyaccusedmeofdisrespect–itseemedlikemymotivesshouldhavebeenobvioustothem!
TheNeedforDisciplineEverythingchangedonceIstartedtotrainmyselfinempathy,Ibegantoaskmyself,“Whyaremyparentssoupset?”AndwhenIreallythoughtthroughthatquestion,IrealizedthateventhoughIdidn’tmeandisrespect,myparentsstillfeltdisrespected.Ihavegreatparents,butthey’renotmind-readers,andsotheycouldn’tknowmymotives–onlymyactions.
OnceIrealizedthis,Iwasmuchbetterequippedtohandleourconflictinapositiveway.Iwouldaskmyself,“Howwouldthislooktomyparents?”whenIwasconsideringanaction,whichhelpedmeavoidsayingordoingsomethingthatwouldupsetmyparents.Ourrelationshipimproved,andconflictwithmyparentsbecamemuchlesscommon.
Isharethatexampletoillustrateakeypoint.Whenpeopledosomethingthatseemsirrationaltoyou,itstillmakessensefromtheirperspective.Ifyoutakethetimetostepbackandask,“Ok,whyisthispersonbehavinglikethis?”youwillusuallyfindareasonableanswer,andthatanswerwillhelpyourespondbetter.
Butaskingthatquestiondoesn’thappenautomatically.Youneedtomakeadeliberatedecisiontoaskyourself,“Howdoesthislooktotheotherperson?”Youneedtobewillingtosurrenderyourinsistencethattheotherpersonseesthingsyourway.Andyouneedtodothisagainandagainandagain,untilitbecomesautomatic.
ThePowerofTrueEmpathyBuildingempathyisnoteasy.I’lladmitthat.
Butasyoucontinuetoaskyourself,“Howdoesthissituationappeartotheotherperson?”somethingremarkablewilloccur.Thequestionitselfwillbecomelessandlessnecessary.Youwillstarttointuitivelysensehowtheotherpersonisfeeling.
Inotherwords,youwillstarttodeveloptrueempathy.
Thisdoestaketime.You’vespentalongtimelookingattheworldexclusivelythroughyourownperspective,soyouwillhavetooverwritemanyyearsofhabit.Buttrustme,it’sworthit.
Ihaveanexerciseforyoutoday,too.Youmightfinditdifficultatfirst,butitwillkick-startyourabilitytobuildempathytowardsothers.Here’stheexercise:
Intheconversationsyouhavetoday,askyourself,“Whatistheotherpersonthinkingandfeelingrightnow?Howaretheyperceivingthisinteraction?”Ofcourse,youwon’tknowforsureifyourguessisaccurate,butmorelikelythannot,you’llbeclose.
Onceyoufeelcomfortableaskingthatquestion,seeifyoucanactonthatknowledge.Maybethegrocerystoreclerksays,“Hi,”toyouinadullvoice,andyourealize,“Gosh,thispersonhasprobablybeenworkingallday,andthey’refeelingwornout.”Well,seeifyoucancheerthemup!Tellthemthey’redoingagreatjob,complimentthemontheirsmile,oraskthemwheretheygottheirearrings.
Itwilltaketimetobecomecomfortablewiththis,butitbecomeseasiereachtimeyoudoit.Onceyoulearntodevelopempathywithothers,itwillbecomesecondnaturetoshowempathytothem.
NonverbalEmpathy
Whenyouaskyourselfwhatotherpeoplearethinkingandfeeling,yougaininsightintohowbesttointeractwiththem.Thisinsighthelpsyoudefuseconflictandguidetheconversation.
Thereisanonverbalelementtorespondingtoempathyaswell.Ifyourealizeafriendissadbutaskthem,“What’swrong?”inaverycheerfulway,yourfriendmightthinkyoudon’treallycare.Butwhenyouchangeyourtonetosoundsympatheticandconcerned,yourfriendismorelikelytobelieveyouwanttohearwhat’swrong.Asyoumightremember,yourwordsandyournonverbalsignalsworktogethertocommunicate,andyouwantthemtobeinharmony.
Now,IrealizeI’vegivenyoualottoworkonalready.Empathywilleventuallybecomesecondnatureforyou,butitcanbealotofworktotrainyourselftobeawareofwhattheotherpersonisthinkingandfeeling.Whenyouaddtheneedtomanageyourownnonverbalsignals,empathycanseemoverwhelming.
Butdon’tworry.Nonverbalempathyisactuallyverysimple.Similartothewaythatbodylanguageboilsdowntojusttwosignals,thereareonlytwononverbalempathyoptionsyouneedtoworryabout:whethertobehigh-energyorlow-energy.
WhatdoImeanbyhigh-energyandlow-energy?
HighandLowEnergyDefinedWhensomeoneishighenergy,theytendtoact
Excited
Expressive
Loud
Incontrast,whensomeoneislowenergy,theytendtoact
Reserved
Relaxed
Quiet
Notethathigh-energydoesn’talwaysmeanhappy,andlow-energydoesn’talwaysmeansad.Someonewhohasjustwonthelotterymightjumpupandrunaroundtheroomcelebrating,ortheymightleanbackintheirchairwithaslow,satisfiedsmilespreadingacrosstheirface.Botharehappyresponses,butoneishigh-energyandoneislow-energy.
Alsonotethatpeoplewillfeelhigh-energysometimesandlow-energyothertimes.Whenyouseeyourfriendinamomentofexcitement,youshouldconclude,“Myfriendisfeelinghigh-energyrightnow,”ratherthandecide,“Myfriendisalwayshigh-energy.”
EnergyandEmpathyTheideaofhigh-energyandlow-energyissimpleenough.Buthowdoesitapplytoempathy?
Well,ifyourpartnerishigh-energy,trytobehigh-energy.
Andifyourpartnerislow-energy,trytobelow-energy.
Here’swhatImeanbythat.
Let’ssayyoumeetafriendfordinner.Yourfriendhashadabusyday,andyounoticetheyarelessboisterousthanusual.Theyareclearlyfeelinglow-energy.
You,ontheotherhand,areveryexcitedabouttherestaurant.Soyougushaboutthefoodandtheambiance,youflirtwiththewaitstaff,andingeneral,youactexpressiveandexcited.Yourfriend,meanwhile,picksatherfoodandwishesyouwouldsettledown,soshecouldhaveaquietconversationwithyou.
Inotherwords,youarebeinghigh-energy,andyourfriendisbeinglow-energy.Yourfriendwantsarestfulevening,whileyouwanttopartyandbegoofy.Becausethere’samismatch,itmakesitharderforyoutoconnectwithyourfriend.
NonverbalEnergyMatchingButifyoumatchyourenergyleveltoyourfriend’senergylevel,theeveningwillgomuchbetter.Whenyounoticeyourfriendislow-energy,youcanactmorereservedandsedated,evenifyouarefeelingexcited.Or,ifyounoticeyourfriendishigh-energy,youcanrespondbyactingmoreexpressiveandboisterous.
Notethatyoushouldmatchyourpartner’senergylevel,notexceedit.Ifyourpartnerisrelaxedandsedate,youshouldbelow-energy,butthere’snoneedtoactlikeEeyore.Ifyourpartnerisboisterousandloud,youshouldbehigh-energy,butthere’snoneedtogocrazy.
Energymatchingappliestosocialsituations,too,notjusttoindividuals.Forinstance,aformaleventislikelytobelow-energy,(soit’swisetobesomberandreserved,evenifyoufeelexcited),whereasapartyislikelytobehigh-energy(soit’swisetobemoreexpressiveandboisterous,evenifyoufeelrelaxed.)Whenenteringasocialsituationforthefirsttime,takeamomenttofigureouttheenergylevelofthesituation,andthenuseittoguideyourownenergylevel.
Ofcourse,yourownenergylevelmatters,too.Ifyou’refeelinghigh-energyorlow-energy,it’soktoexpressthat,evenifyourpartnerisfeelingsomethingdifferent.Butit’swisetostartbymatchingyourenergyleveltoyourpartner,andthenmovebacktoyournaturalenergylevel.Thisallowsyourpartnertomoveenergylevelswithyou.
Whenyoumonitortheenergylevelsofthosearoundyouandadjustyourownenergylevelaccordingly,you’llfindconnectingwithotherstobemucheasier.Plus,you’realsopracticingbeingawareofwhatothersarethinkingandfeeling,whichwillfeedbackintoyourstudyof
empathyingeneral.
Asyoubegintomasterempathy,you’llfindyourselfunderstandingothersbetter,havingfewerconflicts,andbuildingbetterrelationships.That’sarewardwellworththeeffort.
Chapter6:MeetingPeople
Ok.You’vepracticedyourconversationtechnique.You’vebrusheduponbodylanguage,andyou’restartingtotrainyourselftoseethingsfromyourpartner’sperspective.Youfeelreadytogooutandmakesomefriends.
Unfortunately,unlessyouarefive,yourMomisnotgoingtosetupplaydatesforyou.Theresponsibilityformeetingpeopleandcreatingaconnectionwiththemfallssquarelyinyourlap.
Thisisatoughresponsibilitybecauseitmeansgoingoutsideyourcomfortzone.Unlessyouareanaturalextrovert,youprobablypreferspendingtimebyyourselforwithpeoplethatyoualreadyknow.Asocialeventfilledwithstrangerscanfeeloverwhelminganddraining.
Fortunately,meetingpeopleisnotashardasyouthink.
Socialeventsdon’tneedtofeellikeyouversusaroomfullofstrangers.Whenyoufindagroupthatfitsyourpersonalityandinterests,it’smucheasiertofeelcomfortableandconnectwithpotentialfriends.Learnhowtoidentifytherightgroups,andyou’llfindthatmeetingpeopleismucheasier.
Plus,youdon’thavetobelimitedtomakingfriendsatsocialevents.Potentialconnectionsareallaroundyou–fromaclassmatesittingnexttoyoutoabaristatakingyourorder.Learntotakeadvantageoftheconnectionopportunitiesthatlifesendsyourway,andyou’llfindyourselfrichlyrewarded.
Inotherwords,therearebedrockprinciplesthatyoucanlearntotaketheguessworkoutofmeetingpeopleandmakingnewfriends.That’swhatthissectionisallabout.Let’sdivein.
MeetingPeoplecontainsthreelessons:
FindingYourGroupSocialgroupsarenotcreatedequal.Somegroupswillmakeitmucheasiertomakefriendsthanothers.Inthissection,Ishowyouhowtofindtherightgroupforyou.
EverydayConnectionsSocialgroupsarenotyouronlyoptionformeetingnewpeople.Inthissection,Iexplainhowconnectingonaperson-to-personlevelallowsyoutomakefriendswiththepeopleyoumeetinyourdaytodaylife
Person-to-PersonConnectionsWhenyouconnectwithpeopleonaperson-to-personlevel,youopenthedoortoanewfriendship.ThislessonbuildsontheadviceintheEverydayConnectionslessonandgivespracticalguidelinesforconnectingwithothersonaperson-to-personlevel.
FindingYourGroup
Ifyouasksomeoneforadviceonmeetingnewpeople,theywillprobablyrespond,“Gojoinsomesocialgroups.”
That’strue,butnotveryhelpful.Notallsocialgroupsarecreatedequal,andifyoujoinagroupthatisapoorfitforyou,itwillbehardtomakefriends.
Soundsobvious,Iknow.Butpeopleoftenmissthis.
Manypeoplesignupforgroupswilly-nilly,thenfindthemselvesstuckinboringgroupswithboringpeople.Becausethesegroupsarenotagoodfitforthem,theyfindithardtomakeconnections,andbecauseit’shardtomakeconnections,theirmotivationtogotosocializewithersaway.Afterafewfruitlessattemptsatconnection,theyrevertbacktotheircomfortzoneandgiveuponmakingfriends(untiltheirnextburstofdetermination,whenthiscyclerepeats.)
Don’tletthatbeyou.Breakoutofthecycleofboringgroupsandboringpeople,andfindthegroupsthatgiveyouagreatchanceatmakingfriends.
TheDNAofaGreatGroupWhenyouknowwhattolookfor,it’seasytoidentifythesegroups.Andit’seasytoknowwhattolookfor–justreadon!
Lookforgroupsbuiltaroundsomethingyoulove.Idon’tmeansomethingthatyoulike,orsomethingthatyoukindofenjoy,butsomethingthatyoulove.Whenyouhaveasharedpassionwithothermembersofthegroup,youwillnaturallybuildaquickrapportaroundthatpassion.Plus,yoursharedpassionwillgiveyoulotstotalkabout,whichmakesbuildingafriendshipmucheasier.
Theeasiestwaystodiscoverthesekindsofgroupsistodoonlineresearch.AGooglesearchfor[yourpassion]+[yourcity]willoftenyieldlotsofresults.Siteslikemeetup.comorthesubRedditforyourcityarealsogreatsourcestolookforgroupsrelatedtoyourpassion.
You’renotlimitedtoonlineresearch,either.Ifyourpassionhasashopassociatedwithit(forinstance,ifyourpassionissci-finovels,thenabookstoreisyourshop),there’sagoodchanceyoucanfindlike-mindedfolksthere.Volunteeringisanothergoodoption–ifyouloveanimals,volunteeringattheanimalshelterisagreatwaytogivebackaswellasmeetnewpeople.
Lookforgroupsthatyourfriendsareinvolvedwith.Ifsomeoneyoualreadyknowisinagroup,theycanintroduceyoutoothersandincludeyouinconversations.It’smucheasiertomeetnewpeoplewhenyouhaveafriendtohelpyouout.
Tofindoutaboutthegroupsyourfriendsarein,youhavetwooptions.Thefirstistojuststayalertinconversation.Ifyouaskafriendwhatthey’redoingovertheweekend,andtheytellyou
thataboutagroupthattheyareattending,it’sappropriateforyoutoexpressinterestandaskifyoucouldcheckoutthegroup.Theotheroptionistotellyourfriendsthatyouarelookingfornewgroupstogetinvolvedwith,andasktheiradvice.
Bothoptionswillusuallyresultinaninvitation,althoughifyourfriendsseemuncomfortableabouttheideaofinvitingyoutotheirgroups,don’tpressthemonit.Sometimespeopleliketokeeptheirfriendgroupsseparate,sodon’tbeoffendedifafrienddoesn’tfeelcomfortablewiththeideaofbringingyoutoanothergroup.
Lookforgroupsthatfocusonimprovingpeopleskills.Wheneveryoneelseatagroupisalsolearningpeopleskills,youareguaranteedtohaveasharedinterest.Plus,thesegroupsofferyouanopportunitytolearnnewsocialskillsandmakenewfriendsatthesametime.
ThemostcommonofthesegroupsisToastmasters,whichisapublicspeakinggroup.Althoughpublicspeakingisdifferentfromhavingaconversation,practicingpublicspeakingwillgreatlyhelpyourpoise,confidence,andcomfortinconversation.
Ofcourse,publicspeakingisnottheonlyskillthatwillhelpyouinyoursocialinteractions.Partnerdancinglessonsareagreatwaytobecomecomfortablewithphysicaltouchandtolearnhowtousephysicalcontactappropriately.Improvtheaterclasseswillimproveyourself-confidenceandteachyoutothinkonyourfeet.Martialartsmightimproveyourdisciplineandreduceyouranxiety.Yougettheidea–lookforgroupsthatgiveyouanopportunitytolearnsomethingthatwillimproveyourpeopleskills.
Lookforgroupsthatmeetonaregularbasis.It’smucheasiertomakefriendshipswhengroupsmeetregularlybecauseyouwillhavemoreopportunitiestoestablishaconnectionwithpeople.Forinstance,ifthegroupmeetsweekly,thenyoucanmeetsomeonethefirstweek,learnthatyoubothenjoyfishingthesecondweek,andtheninvitethemtogofishingonthethirdweek.That’smucheasierthanhavingtomakeallofthathappenthefirsttimeyoumeetsomeone,orspacingthosethreeinteractionsoverthreemonths.
TheRightGroupforYouRemember,there’snoperfectgroup.Youmightneverfindagroupthatincludesalloftheseidealcharacteristics.Butyourgoalisnottofindtheperfectgroup–it’stofindtherightgroupforyou.Theprinciplesinthislessonwillhelpguideyoursearch,butdon’tbeafraidtotryagroupthatdoesn’tmeetallofthesecriteria,anddon’thesitatetoaddyourowncriteriatothelist.
Attheendoftheday,ifyouenjoygoingtoagroupandyoufeelcomfortablemakingfriendswiththepeoplethere,thenit’sagoodgroupforyou.Keepthatinmind,andyou’llhavenoproblemfindinggreatgroups.
EverydayConnections
Inourlastlesson,wediscussedhowtofindtherightsocialgroupforyou.Socialgroupsareagreatwayofmeetingpeople,andsigningupforanewgroupisagreatwaytokick-startsomefriendships.
However,organizedsocialgroupsarenotyouronlyopportunitytomeetnewpeople.Relationshipscansparkanytimetwopeopleinteract,andgreatrelationshipscanstartwheneveracustomerchatswithawaiterortravelersstrikeupaconversation.
Makingthemostoftheseeverydayconnectionsiseasy.Allyouneedtodoisconnectwithothersonaperson-to-personlevel,notafunctionallevel.
Here’swhatImean.
FunctionalInteractionsWhenyouwalkintoacoffeeshopandordercoffeefromthebarista,youareinteractingonafunctionallevel.Youareorderingcoffee,thebaristaisgivingyoucoffee.
Or,perhapsyousitnexttosomeoneonaplaneandonlytalktothemwhenyouneedtousetherestroom.Again,functionallevel.Yougotothebathroom,theygetoutofyourway.
Whenyouinteractwithpeopleonafunctionallevel,youreducethemtoanobstacleinyourpathorameanstoanend.Abaristagivesyouacoffeefix—that’shisfunction.Afellowtravelerblocksyourpathtothebathroom—he’sanobstacle.
Buthere’sthething.Thebaristatakingyourorderatacoffeeshopisnotaroboticcoffeemachine;they’reaperson,withdreamsandpassionsandalifeoutsideofmakingcappuccinos.Thepersonsittingnexttoyouontheplaneisnotjustabodyblockingyourpath,butafellowtravelerwhomightbereturninghomefromalongjourneyorvisitingasicklovedone.
Itcanbehardforustorealizethis,becauseit’seasytoseethebaristaasameanstoacoffeefixandnothingmore.Butwhenourinteractionwiththemiscompletelylimitedtocoffee,wemissourchancetoconnectwiththemonaperson-to-personlevel.
Fortunately,itdoesn’thavetobethatway.
Person-To-PersonConnectionsWhenyouconnectwithsomeoneonaperson-to-personlevel,youlifttheinteractionbeyondthefunctionallevelandallowrealconnectiontotakeplace.
Toconnectonaperson-to-personlevel,justsayordosomethingthatcommunicatethemessage:“Irecognizethatyouaremorethanameanstoanend.”Youcancommunicatethismessageinmanydifferentways.Youmightaskafriendlypersonalquestion,orexpressyourgratitudefortheworkthatthey’redoing,ormaybejustofferawarm,genuinesmile.
Whenyouacknowledgethepersonhoodofsomeoneelseinthisway,youcreateanopportunityforthemtoconnectwithyou.Maketheefforttoconnectonaperson-to-personlevel,anditwillbeeasyforotherstorecognizeyouasaperson,too.
Tryanexperiment.Nexttimeyougointoacoffeeshop,askthepersontakingyourorder,“Whatdoyoudowhenyou’renotworking?”Watchthemlightupwhentheytellyouaboutthefriendstheyhangoutwith,orthedegreethey’repursuing,orthekidsthey’reraising.
Andthat’snotlimitedtothatonequestion,ortojustcoffeeshops.
Tellthepersonbrowsingyourfavoritesectioninthebookstorethatit’syourfavoritesection,thenaskthemwhattheirfavoritebookis.
Askthefanstandingnexttoyouataconcertifthey’veeverheardthebandlivebefore.
Askthepassengernexttoyouonthetrainwherethey’regoing,orwherethey’recomingfrom.
Tellthegirlsinginginthecoffeeshopthathermusicisbeautiful,andaskwhatinspiredhertowritehersongs.
Yourlifeholdsendlessopportunitiestoconnectwithothers.Maketheextraefforttorecognizethepersonhoodofthepeopleyouencounter,andyouwillfindyourselfmakingconnectionsyouneverthoughtpossible.
Person-To-PersonConnections
Person-to-personconnectionsareapowerfulwaytoconnectwithothers,butitwilltaketimebeforeyoubecomecomfortablewiththem.Keepthesesimplerulesinmindasyoupractice,andyouwillbecomeanexpertconnectormuchfaster.
Somepeoplearenotopentoconnecting.Mostpeoplewelcometheopportunitytoconnectonaperson-to-personlevel,butsomepeoplewillnot.It’simportantforyoutorecognizewhenotherswouldrathernotconnect,soyoucanrespecttheirwishesandavoidirritatingthem.
Forinstance,ifthepersonnexttoyouonanairplaneputsherheadphonesonafteransweringyourfirstquestion,she’sprobablynotinterestedintalking.Ifyouaskthebaristaabouthispersonallife,andheimmediatelybringstheconversationbacktocoffee,hemightpreferthatyoukeepthingsprofessional.
Bealerttothesignalsthatsomeoneisnotinterestedinconnectingperson-to-personandbackoffwhenyoudetectdisinterest.Areviewofcomfortableanduncomfortablebodylanguagewillserveyouwellhere.Ifsomeone’sbodylanguagebecomesuncomfortablewhenyoustarttalkingtothem,that’sastrongsignalthatthey’drathernottalk.
Avoidinterrupting.Ifyouattempttoconnectwithsomeonewhentheyareinthemiddleofanactivity,it’spossiblethatyou’llirritatethem.Ingeneral,youshouldfeelcomfortableattemptingaconnectionifthepersonisalreadytalkingtoyou,orabletocontinuetheircurrentactivitywhilechatting.Butiftalkingtoyouwillbreaktheirconcentrationontheircurrentactivity,youshouldbecautiousaboutapproachingthem.
Inotherwords,ifyouwanttotalktothesingeratacoffeeshop,it’smuchbettertoapproachwhentheyaretakingabreak,ratherthanwhentheyarereadingtheirsheetmusictoprepareforthenextsong.Thereareexceptions,ofcourse–thattravelerintheseatnexttoyoumaybehappytoputdowntheirbookandtalk–butyouneedtobemuchmorecautiousifyouplanoninterruptingsomeone.
Startconversationsbyreferencingcontext.Ifyouturntosomeoneelsewaitinginlineforaconcertandthefirstthingyousayis,“So,doyoulikeItalianfood?”youaregoingtocomeacrossasveryweird.
Butifyouaskthemtheiropinionontheband’snewalbum,orcommentonhowlongthelineis,oraskthemiftheysawthebandlasttimetheywereintown,theconversationwillbemuchlessawkward.
Thisisespeciallytruewhenyouwanttomoveaconversationfromfunctionaltoperson-to-
person.Don’tsuddenlygofromorderingcoffeeto“So,whatdoyouthinkaboutthelatestColdplayalbum?”Itcatchesthebaristaoffguard–onemomentyouwereorderingcoffee,thenextyou’retalkingaboutsomethingtotallydifferent.
Inordertomakethetransitionfromfunctionalinteractiontoperson-to-personconnectionfeelmorenatural,it’sbesttomentionthecontext.That’swhy“Whatdoyoudowhenyou’renotworking?”isaperfecticebreakerquestion.Bymentioningthemworking,youreferencethecontext,andbyaskingthemaboutlifeoutsidework,youopenabridgetoconnectingonadeeperlevel.
Bepreparedifyoureverydayconnectiondoesnotbecomeafriendship.Whenyouconnectperson-to-personwithsomeone,youwillusuallystillgoyourseparatewaysaftertheconversation.Youmighthaveagreatconversationwithyourwaiter,butyouarestillacustomerandtheyarestillawaiter,anditisdifficulttomovepermanentlyawayfromthoserolesintoafriendship.
Butthat’sok.Evenifyourinteractiondidn’tturnintoarelationship,itwasstillapositiveinteraction.Youlearnedsomethingnewaboutanotherperson,andyouhadthechancetosharesomethingaboutyourself.Plus,yougotthechancetopracticeyoursocialskillsandbuildyourconfidence.
Makeperson-to-personconnectionsapartofeverydaylife.Whenyoumaketheefforttoseekperson-to-personconnectionswheneveryoucan,you’llfindthatabrandnewareaoflifehasopenedtoyou.Interactionsthatwerepreviouslyforgettableandsuperficialarenowmeaningful.Peoplewhowouldhavestayedstrangersbecomefriends.Person-to-personconnectionsareyourgatewaytoaricherlife,andIencourageyoutomakethemapartofyoureverydaylife.
Chapter7:MakingFriends
IfyoufollowedtheadviceintheMeetingPeoplesection,youmighthavealreadymadeafewconnections.Maybeyou’vecheckedoutafewsocialgroupsormadeafeweverydayconnections,anddiscoveredsomefriendlyfolks.
Unfortunately,friendlyfolksarenotthesameasfolkswhoareyourfriends.It’snicetofeelwelcomedwhenyouattendagroupmeeting,butit’smuchmorevaluabletohaverelationshipsthatthriveoutsideofthemeetings.
Buthowdoyoubuildthoserelationships?It’sonethingtomeetsomeonethatyougetalongwith.It’sanotherthingtogrowyourrelationshipwiththatpersontothepointwhereyoufeelcomfortableinvitingthemovertohangout.Sometimesrelationshipswillgrowquicklyontheirown,butiftheydon’t,howdoyouencouragethemtogrow?
Fortunately,likeeveryothertopicinthissocialskillsguide,makingfriendsisaskillthatyoucandevelop.Withtherightguidance,you’llfinditeasytomakelasting,fulfillingfriendships.Thissectionwaswrittentoshowyouhow.
MakingFriendscontainsthreelessons:
FindingGoodFriendsIt’spossibletobefriendswithanybody.Butsomepeoplearejustbetterfriendmaterialthanothers.Inthissection,Iteachyouhowtoidentifythepeoplewhoarethemostlikelytotreatyouwell,andwhosefriendshipyouwillmostenjoy.
StartingaFriendshipOnceyou’vemetsomeonethatyouwanttobefriendswith,howdoyougettherelationshipofftheground?Inthissection,Iexplainhowtogiveaninvitationthatwillopenthedoortoanewfriendship.
DeepeningaNewFriendshipWhenyou’vejustmadeanewfriend,it’simportanttonurturethatfriendship.Thissectionwillshowyouhowyoucangrowanewfriendshipintoastrong,lastingrelationship.Italsocontainsadviceforbeingagoodfriendtoothers.
FindingGoodFriends
Whenyouwanttomakenewfriends,startbyidentifyingthepeoplewhowillbegoodfriendstoyou.
Agoodfriendcaresaboutyou,enjoysspendingtimewithyou,andgivesyouthefreedomtobeyourself.Goodfriendsacceptyouasyouare–youdon’tneedtopretendtobesomeoneelsewhenyou’respendingtimewithagoodfriend.Andalthoughgoodfriendsmightjokinglyteaseyou,theywillneverbullyyou,disrespectyou,orpressureyoutodosomethingthatmakesyoufeeluncomfortable.
Youcanfindthepeoplewhowillbegoodfriendstoyouinthefuturebylookingforthepeoplewhotreatyouwelltoday.Inordertodothat,justaskyourselfthreesimplequestions:
DoIlikespendingtimewiththisperson?Ifyoudon’twanttospendtimewithsomeone,chancesareeithertheywon’tbeagoodfriendtoyou,oryouwon’tbeagoodfriendtothem.Spendingtimewithafriendshouldn’tfeellikeachore.
However,bearinmindthatgoodfriendsdon’tneedtobeoutwardlysimilartoyou.It’snicetohavecommoninterestsorsharedexperiences,butifyoufeelcomfortablewithafriendandenjoytheircompany,itdoesn’tmatterifyoulikesoccerandtheylikeballet.Goodfriendshipgoesbeyondsharedinterests,somakesurethatyougiveafairconsiderationtopeoplethatmightnotseemsimilartoyouatfirst.
Doesthispersontreatmeandotherswell?Youwillsometimesencounterpeoplewhoarealotoffuntobewith,butwhodon’trespectyouropinionsandbeliefs,orteaseyouinahurtfulway,orgenerallyjustpushyouaround.Thosepeoplearenotrealfriendsandarenotworthyourtime.
Eveniftheytreatyouwell,youmightnoticethattheyareoftenrudeorhurtfultoothers.That’sawarningsignthattheymayonedaybehurtfultoyou.Astheoldsayinggoes,“Thepersonwhoisnicetoyou,butrudetothewaiter,ortoothers,isnotaniceperson.”Thereareplentyoffunfolkswhowilltreatyouwell;don’twasteyourtimebuildingfriendshipswithpeoplewhowillnottreatyouthewayafriendshould.
Doesthispersonseemliketheywanttospendtimewithme?Sometimesyouwillenjoyspendingtimewithsomeonebuttheydon’tseemtohavemuchinterestinspendingtimewithyou.Thisisusuallynotagoodsituationtobein.
Ifyouinvestlotsoftimeandefforttryingtomakefriendswithsomeonewhodoesn’treallywanttobefriendswithyou,youwillusuallyfindyourselffrustratedandwornout.It’smuchbettertopursuefriendshipwithsomeonewhoalsowantstobefriendswithyou.
Ofcourse,it’spossiblethatsomeonemightwanttospendtimewithyou,butrightnowisnotagoodtimeforthem.Ifyoureallywanttobefriendswithsomeone,buttheydon’tseemtowanttobefriendswithyou,itdoesn’thurttotryagainafewweeksormonthslater.Butyoudeservefriendswhoareexcitedtospendtimewithyou,sodon’tspendmuchtimepursuingpeoplewhowon’tpursueyouback.
PursuingGoodFriendsIfyouaskyourselfthesequestionsaboutsomeoneandanswernotoanyofthem,don’tmakefriendshipwiththatpersonapriority.That’snottosaythatyoucan’tgivesomeoneasecondchance–afterall,firstimpressionsarenotalwaysaccurate,anditneverhurtstospendsomemoretimewithsomeonebeforeyourulethemout.
Butingeneral,youshouldfocusyourattentiononthepeoplewhogiveyouthebestchancetobegoodfriends.Ifyouspendyourtimechasingafterpeoplewhowillnotbegoodfriendstoyou,you’llfindyourselfdisappointeddowntheroad.
Takeafewminutesrightnowandusethislisttothinkthroughthepeopleyouknow.Findafewpeoplewhoyouthinkmightbegoodfriendstoyou,andkeeptheminmindasyoureadthenextlesson.
StartingaFriendship
Onceyouknowthatsomeoneisgoodfriendmaterial,youstillneedtogetthefriendshipstarted.
Thiscanbetoughtodo.Manypeopleeitherdon’tknowhowtomovetherelationshipfromfriendlyacquaintanceintotruefriendship,orthey’reafraidto–theydon’twanttoofferfriendshipandthenhaveitberejected.Sotheywaitfortheotherpersontomakethefirstmove.
Unfortunately,ifyouwaitforthem,andtheywaitforyou,thennothingwilleverhappen.Youneedtobewillingtomakethefirstmove.
Fortunately,thatfirstmoveisverysimple.
Allyouneedtodoisinvitethepersontospendtimeoutsideofthenormalcontextthatyouseethem.Ifyouseesomeoneatchurch,invitethemtocometobowling.Ifsomeoneisonyourbowlingteam,invitethemtoseeamoviewithyou.Yougettheidea.
ChoosingtheRightActivityIdeally,youshouldinvitethemtoanactivitythatgivesyouthechancetotalkandgettoknoweachother.It’salsogoodtopickanactivitythattheotherpersonwillenjoy.Ifyoushareacommoninterestorifthey’vetoldyouaboutaparticularactivitytheyenjoy,usethattoguideyourinvitation.Ifyouhavenoideawhatthey’reinterestedin,trytopickanactivitythatmostpeoplewouldenjoy(perhapsseeingamovie,orshoppinginthemall).
Oneofmyfavoriteinvitationsistoasksomeonetoshareamealorgetsomecoffeetogether,becausethismeansthatyoucanfocusontheconversationinacalmenvironment.However,it’simportanttopickanactivitythatyoufeelcomfortablewith.Ifyoufeeluncomfortablewiththeideaofanentiresocialencounterbuiltaroundnothingbutconversation,thenthere’snoneedforyoutopickcoffeeasyouractivity.
Andthisgoesbeyondcoffee.Theremightbepopularsocialactivitiesthatyoujustdon’tenjoy,orthatyoudon’tfeelcomfortabledoing.Ifthesmokyatmosphereofabarmakesyoufeelsick,don’tinviteyournewfriendtogetdrinks.Iflargegroupsofpeoplemakeyounervous,don’tinviteyourpartnertoaconcert.Ifyoujustplainhateputting,don’tinviteyourpartnertomini-golf.
Thisisespeciallygoodtokeepinmindifyoustrugglewithanxiety.Ifthethoughtofconversationmakesyounervous,spendtimewithyournewfriendsomewherethatyoufindrelaxingandpeaceful.Ofcourse,youshouldmakesurethatit’ssomewhereyourpartneralsoenjoys–butwithabitofthought,I’msureyou’llfindmanypossibleactivitiesthatbothyouandyourpartnercanenjoy.
Also,onewordofwarning.Ifyouinvitesomeoneoftheoppositesextohangout,theymightassumethatyou’reexpressingromanticinterestinthem.Ifallyouhaveinmindisfriendship,thatcanbeawkward,soit’sbesttoavoidmisunderstanding.(Ifyoureallyareinterestedin
datingthem,that’sfine–butthisistheMakingFriendschapter,andwe’llcoverdatinglaterinthebook)
Becauseofthepotentialformisunderstanding,youshoulddoyourbesttoavoidinvitingfriendstoexplicitly“datenight”activities,likedinnerandamovie.Italsodoesn’thurttoclarifyinyourinvitationthatyouareonlyinterestedinfriendship.Simplysaying,“Hey,I’dliketobefriends,”beforeyouinvitesomeonetohangoutcanhelpmakesureeveryonestaysonthesamepage.
YourFriendshipBeginsOnceyouchooseanactivityandinvitesomeonetohangoutoutsideofyournormalcontext,somethingcoolhappens.Yourinvitationsignalstothemthatyouwanttobefriends.Withoutthissignal,theotherpersonmayhaveneverevenconsideredfriendshipwithyou.That’snotbecausetheydislikeyou,butsimplybecausetheyneverknewthatyouwantedtobefriendswiththem.
Butnow,becauseyouinvitedthemtohangoutoutsidethenormalgroup,youshowthatyouareinterestedinbeingfriendswiththem.Yourinvitationcausesthemtothink,“Thispersonwantstobefriendswithme,”andaskthemselves,“DoIwanttobefriendswiththisperson?”
Ifthetwoofyougetalong,mostlikelytheiranswerwillbearesounding“Yes!”tobothyourinvitationandtheresultingfriendship.
Ofcourse,theymightsay“No”toyourinvitation.Butiftheyturndownyourinvitation,thatdoesn’tnecessarilymeantheydon’twanttobefriends–itcouldjustmeanthey’rebusyornotinterestedintheactivityyouareinvitingthemto.
Asaruleofthumb,youshouldwaituntilsomeonehasturneddownyourinvitationsthreetimesbeforeyouconcludethattheydon’twanttohangoutwithyou.Ifyou’veinvitedthemthreetimes,you’vesentaclearsignalthatyouwanttobefriends.Iftheywanttobefriendsback,they’llusuallymakethetimetohangoutwithyou.
Fortunately,mostlikelytheiranswertoyourinvitationwillnotbenot“No”but“Yes!”Oncetheyreachthat“Yes!”somethingveryimportanthappens.Theystopthinkingofyouas“Bob,theguyfrommybookclub”but“MyfriendBob.”
Andoncetheythinkofyouastheirfriend,it’snolongerweirdforyoutocallthemupandaskthemtohangoutthatweekend,orinvitethemtograblunch,orseeiftheywanttoseethelatestmoviewithyou.That’sjustwhatfriendsdo.
DeepeningaNewFriendship
Ok,you’vefoundsomeonewhoseemslikequalityfriendmaterial.Youinvitedthemtohangout,andthey’veaccepted.
Atthispointintherelationship,youshouldbefeelingexcited.You’vemetacoolperson,youenjoyspendingtimewiththem,andafriendshipistakingoff.
Butyouwanttobecarefulhere.
Justlikeaflowercanwitherifyougiveiteithertoomuchwaterornotenough,youwanttostrikeabalancewithhowmuchyoupursuethisnewfriendship.
Inotherwords,youshouldpursueanewfriendatasteadyrate,butnotonethatisoverwhelming.Ifyouhangoutwithanewfriendonce,andthenstartcallingthemeveryday,they’regoingtofeeluncomfortableandmaybackofffromthefriendship.
Similarly,ifyouspendtimewiththemonceandnevercallthemagain,they’llprobablyconcludethatyoudon’twanttobefriendsafterall.
FindingtheMiddleGroundOfcourse,it’seasytoseehoweitherextremecausesproblems,butfindingtherightmiddlegroundisharder.Unfortunately,there’snoperfectwaytoknowhowoftentospendtimewithyournewfriend.Itwilldependonhowwellthetwoofyougetalong,andhowbusyyourschedulesare.
However,agoodruleofthumbistoinvitethemtospendtimetogetheratleastonceamonth,andnomorethanonceaweek.
Beingaruleofthumb,thisisobviouslyonlyaroughguideline.Ifyoureallyenjoyspendingtimetogether,youmayfindyourselfhangingoutmultipletimeseachweek,andiftheyareverybusy,youmightfindyoucanonlyhangoutlessthanoncepermonth.
Ifthissoundscomplicated,don’tworry.Inpractice,you’llfindit’ssimpletostriketherightbalance.
Justbasethefrequencyofyourinvitationstothemonthefrequencyoftheirinvitationstoyou.Iftheyarefrequentlyinvitingyoutohangout,thenyouhaveagreenlighttoinvitethemmoreoften.Iftheyrarelyinviteyoutohangout,thenyoushouldprobablyinvitethemtohangoutlessfrequently.Youwillquicklygetafeelforwhatworksforyouandyournewfriend.
BecomingaGreatFriendOfcourse,there’smoretofriendshipthatsimplyknowinghowoftentospendtimetogether.Growinginfriendshipmeanslearninghowtobeagoodfriend.
Remember,goodfriendscareabouteachother,enjoyspendingtimetogether,andgiveeach
otherthefreedomtobethemselves.Atthebeginningofyourfriendship,youlookedforsomeonewhomightbeagoodfriendtoyou.Now,beagoodfriendtothem.
Showthatyoucareaboutyourfriendbyaskinggoodquestionsthatshowyouwanttoknowmoreaboutthem,andbymakingtheefforttoseetheworldfromtheirperspective.
Helpyourfriendenjoyyourtimetogetherbyhavingsmoothconversation,andbywatchingforthebodylanguagesignalsthattellyouiftheyareuncomfortable.
Andgiveyourfriendthefreedomtobethemselvesbylettingthemknow,withwordsanddeeds,thatyoucareaboutthem,youbelieveinthem,andyouacceptthemjustthewaytheyare.
Makingfriendsisanawesome,worthwhile,lifechanginggoal.Butthejoyyougetfromhavingfriendsisonlyatinyfractionofthejoyyougainfrombeingagreatfriendtoothers.
Chapter8:HowtoSupportYourFriends
Howdoyouhelpfriendswhoneedsupport?
Well,there’snofoolproofformulaforinstantsuccess.Buttherearesolidprinciplesthatcanguideyou.
Theywon’ttellyouexactlywhattodobecauseeachsituationisdifferent,butthey’llputyouontherighttrack.
I’veorganizedtheprinciplesintothreecategories.
First,Iteachyouhowtorespondinthemoment.Learntheprinciplesyouneedwhenyouarefacetofacewithastrugglingfriendwhoneedssupport.
Second,Iteachyouhowtohelpyourfriendoverthelongterm.Mostseriousproblemsarenotsolvedinasingleconversation,andyoumayneedtosupportyourfriendsoverweeksorevenmonths.That’swhyIlayouttheprinciplesthatyouneedtosupportfriendswithlongtermproblems.
Third,I’llteachyouhowtoprotectyourselffromburnout,manipulation,andunhealthyboundarieswhenyouarehelpingothers.Lifeguardslearntoprotectthemselvesfrombeingpulledunderwhenrescuingadrowningswimmer,andyoualsoneedtolearnhowtoprotectyourselffromharmwhenyouarehelpingothers.
Finally,Iconcludewithsomeencouragement.
IntheMoment
BePresent
It’sNotAboutYou
MakeSpecific,TangibleOffers
OfferSupport,NotSolutions
Don’tTellThemWhattoFeel
Don’tMinimizetheProblem
Don’tChangetheSubject
Don’tPanic
TheLongTerm
FollowUp
Don’tInsist
EducateYourself
SuggestProfessionalHelp
TakeCareofYourself
LetYourFriendsSupportYou
Don’tSolveTheirProblemsforThem
MakeSureTheyWanttoGetBetter
PracticeSelfCare
SupportingFriendsintheMoment
BePresent
Yourjobisnottogiveadvice(althoughalittleadvicemightbehelpful.)
Yourjobisnottomakethemfeelbetter(althoughyourpresencemaycomfortthem.)
Yourjobisnottoknowtherightthingtosay(infact,sometimessilenceistheperfectresponse.)
Instead,yourjobisjusttobewiththem.Givethemaspacetoexpresstheirfeelings.Givethemaspacetotalkiftheywant.Givethemtheassurancethateventhoughyoucan’tfixtheirproblem,theydon’thavetofaceitalone.
HenriNouwensaiditbetterthanIevercould:
“Whenwehonestlyaskourselveswhichpersoninourlivesmeansthemosttous,weoftenfindthatitisthosewho,insteadofgivingadvice,solutions,orcures,havechosenrathertoshareourpainandtouchourwoundswithawarmandtenderhand.
Thefriendwhocanbesilentwithusinamomentofdespairorconfusion,whocanstaywithusinanhourofgriefandbereavement,whocantoleratenotknowing,notcuring,nothealingandfacewithustherealityofourpowerlessness,thatisafriendwhocares.”
It’sallrighttoofferadvicenowandthen.Butforthemostpart,youshouldsaythingslike,“Idon’tknowhowtofixit,butI’mherewithyou,”or“Thatsoundsreallyhard,andI’msorry.”
Ifyou’renotsurewhattosay,tryreflectingbacktothemwhatyou’rehearing.Forinstance,youmightsaysomethinglike,“Itsoundslikethestressjustkeepspilingupanditfeelsoverwhelming,”or“Itsoundslikeyou’rereallyfrustratedwiththewayyou’rebeingtreatedatwork.”
Youcanalsoasksimpleopen-endedquestions,suchas,“Sowhatareyougoingtodonow?”or,“Howareyouholdingupunderallthisstress?”
Remember,you’renotacounselor,andit’snotyourjobtoleadyourfriendtonewinsights.Don’taskleadingquestionsordigintotheirsubconscious.Instead,justdoyourbesttogivethemasafespacewheretheycanprocesshowthey’refeeling.
It’sNotAboutYou
Whensomeonesharesaproblemwithyou,it’softenappropriatetosharesimilarexperiencesfromyourownlife.
Forinstance,iftheyareworriedaboutfailingaclass,youmightshareaboutatimewhenyoualmostfailedaclass–eithertoempathizewiththem,ortoencouragethemthatyousurvivedandtheywilltoo.
However,thereisafinelinebetweensharinganexperiencetohelpanotherperson,andsharinganexperiencetoputthespotlightonyourself.
It’sokaytotellasufferingfriendthatyouknowhowpainfulbreakupscanbe.It’snotokaytospendtenminutescomplainingaboutyourex,ortellthem,“IhadthatproblemtooandthenIsolvedit,”andtalkabouthowgreatyourlifeisnow.
Beparticularlycarefultoavoidthe“biggerfish”response.Thetermcomesfromahabitamongfishermanwhowillinterruptanyonetellingastoryaboutcatchingabigfishinordertotellaboutthetimetheycaughtanevenbiggerfish.
Amongfishingbuddies,thisisabitirritatingbutnotabigdeal.Butifyourfriendcomestoyouforsupport,it’shurtfultorespond,“That’snothing!I’mtheonewhoreallyhasitrough–letmetellyouaboutmyproblems…”Notonlydidyoufailtogiveyourfriendsupport,butyoualsohurttheirfeelingsbyactingliketheirproblemdidn’tmatter.
Youalsowanttoavoidreactingliketheirproblemisthebiggestthingintheworld(otherwiseknownasthe“yourfishisgiganticandincrediblyscary”response.)Theirproblemmightbeserious,butlifegoeson.Don’tactliketheirproblemistheworstthingintheworld,orthatyouhavenoideahowtohandleit.Thatwilljustmakethemfeelworseabouttheproblem.Nomatterhowyou’refeelingabouttheirproblem,keepyourfocusonthem.
Bottomline:don’tmakeitaboutyou.Usestoriesfromyourownexperiencesparingly,andmakesuretoonlytellstoriestoencouragetheotherperson–thenputthespotlightrightbackonthem.Andnomatterhowyoufeelabouttheirproblem,don’tletyouremotionstakecenterstage—again,keepthespotlightonthem.
MakeSpecific,TangibleOffers
It’sgoodtosay“I’mhereforyou”or“Letmeknowifyouneedanything,”butit’snotideal.
Offerslikethisarevague–whatexactlydoesitmeantobe“hereforsomeone?”Theseoffersalsoputtheonusontheotherpersontofigureoutwhattoaskyoufor,whichcanbealottoaskofasufferingperson.
Instead,makespecific,tangibleoffers.Don’tsay,“Wow,thatsoundsrough.LetmeknowifIcanhelp.”Instead,say,“Wow,thatsoundsrough.Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”
Insteadofsaying,“Letmeknowifyouneedanything,”ask“WouldithelpifIbringyouamealthisweek?”or“Wouldyouliketohangoutlater?”
Iftheysaynotoyourspecificoffer,it’sokaytomakeonegenericofferlike,“IsthereanythingelseIcandotohelp?”butstartbymakingspecificoffers.
Note:whenmakingyourspecificoffers,becarefulnottotrytofixtheotherperson’sproblem,andbecarefulnottotrivializetheirproblem.
Forinstance,IrememberatimeIwasverysadbecauseIwasmourningthedeathofmycat.AfriendofminenoticedIwassadandsaid,“Letmeshowyoucutekittenphotos–thatwillcheeryouup!”Althoughshemeantwell,herwordswerehurtfulbecausetheyimpliedthatmyproblemwastrivialandcouldbesolvedwithafewcatphotos.
Here’ssomeexamplesofgoodspecificoffersyoucanmake:
Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?
Doyouwanttogetsomecoffee?
Doyouwanttogoforawalk?
Doyouwantahug?
Wanttoplaysomevideogameswithme?
CanIcookamealforyou?
Doyouwantadvice?
Doyouwanttotellmeaboutthepersonyoulost?[iftheyareinabreakuporlostalovedone]
CanIsitnexttoyou?
OfferSupport,NotSolutions
Likemostpeople,yourimmediateresponsetosomeone’sproblemmightbetryingtoofferasolution.
Andthisisanaturalresponse–afterall,whodoesn’twanttosolveafriend’sproblem?
Unfortunately,thisresponseusuallybackfires.Whenafriendcomestoyou,theyarenormallylookingforsupport,notsolutions.Theywanttobeabletotalkabouttheissue;theywanttoreceiveencouragementandvalidation–theymightevenwantasafeplacetocry.
Butwhenyouimmediatelyofferadviceortrytofixtheproblem,youpreventyourfriendfromfindingthesupporttheyarelookingfor.Oncethey’vehadtheopportunitytosharetheiremotionswithyou,thentheymightbeopentohearingyouradvice.Butwhentheyfirstopenuptoyou,theyneedyoutolisten,nottofixit.
Honestly,yourfriendhasprobablyalreadyspentanawfullotoftimethinkingthroughtheirproblem.Whileit’spossiblethatyou’vethoughtofasolutionthathasn’tyetoccurredtothem,it’sunlikely.
Sobehumblewhenofferingadvice.
Askthemiftheywanttohearyouradvicebeforeyoustartgivingit,andiftheydon’tlikeyouradvice,dropit.Theyaretheexpertsontheirownproblem,andifyouinsistontellingthem
whattodo,youwilljustirritatethemandmaketheirsituationworse.
Don’tTellThemWhattoFeel
Everyone’ssufferingisdifferent.
Evenifyou’vedealtwiththeexactsameissueasyourfriend,theissuewillaffectyoudifferently.Sodon’ttellyourfriendemptyplatitudeslike,“Thesamethinghappenedtome,andsoIknowhowyoumustbefeeling.”
Instead,givethemspacetoprocesstheirfeelings.Askgentlequestions,listenattentively,anddon’trushthem.
Inthemoment,yourfriendmightnotreallyknowwhatthey’refeeling.Haveyoueverthoughtyouwereangry,butreallyyouwereembarrassed?Orthoughtyouweresad,butreallyyouwerelonely?Emotionsarecomplicated.Itcantaketimeforsomeonetosortthroughtheirfeelingsandfigureoutwhat’sreallygoingon.Sodon’trushyourfriendastheyworkthroughthatprocess.
Anddon’ttellthem,“Youmustbeangry,”or“Youmustbesomiserable.”Instead,askquestions.“Diditmakeyouangrywhenshesaidthat?”isgood,althoughit’snotgreatbecauseit’saleadingquestion.“Howdidyoufeelwhenshesaidthat?”isbetter.
AnotheroptionistosharehowYOUwouldfeelinthatsituation.Forinstance,youmightsaysomethinglike“Man,ifmyboyfriendcheatedonme,Iwouldbefurious.Howareyouhandlingit?”
Bysharingyourownfeelings,itcanhelpyourfriendprocesstheirownfeelings.Theymightrealize,“Yeah,Ifeelfurioustoo,”or“Actually,Idon’tfeelfurious–Ifeelrelieved.IguessI’mgladtherelationshipisover.”
Mostimportantly,youshouldnevertellthemto“getoverit”or“pullyourselftogether.”Aswithaphysicalwound,emotionalwoundstaketimetoheal.Aninjuredpersoncan’tmakeabrokenbonehealfasterthroughwillpower,andasufferingpersoncan’thealemotionallyfasterthroughwillpower.
Ittakestime–don’trushthem.
Don’tMinimizetheProblem
Whenafriendbringsaseriousproblemtoyou,itmaybetemptingtominimizetheproblemsoyoudon’thavetodealwithit.
Yourfirstimpulsemaybetosay,“Oh,it’snotthatbad,”or“Don’tgetsoemotionalaboutit,”oreven“Thisisn’tthatbigofadeal.”
However,thisisusuallythelastthingthatastrugglingfriendwantstohear.Evenifit’sobjectivelynotabigdeal,itFEELSlikeabigdealtothem(orelsetheywouldn’thaveaskedyouforsupport.)Meetthemwherethey’reat.Ifitfeelslikeabigdealtothem,treatitlikeabigdeal.
Youalsoneedtoavoidthetemptationtominimizetheirproblembyblamingthemforit(“I’msorryyou’restressedaboutyourbadgrade,butit’syourfaultfornotstudying.”)
Sometimespeopledocausetheirownproblems,buteveniftheproblemis100%theirfault,itdoesn’thelpforyoutopointthatout.Yourjobistobeasupportivefriend,nottoassignblame.
Sogivethemspacetoexpresstheirfeelings.Helpthemexplorewhythisfeelslikesuchabigdealtothem.Youmaywanttogentlyprovideperspective–perhapsremindingthemthatevenwiththisproblem,therearestillalotofgoodthingsintheirlife,orencouragingthemtoseethatthecurrentproblemistemporary.
Butdon’ttellthemwhatthey’refeelingiswrong,orthattheyjustneedto“getoverit.”Acceptthattheirproblemisabigproblemtothem,andsupportthemwithouttryingtocorrectthem.
Don’tChangetheSubject
Doyougetuncomfortablewhensomeonebringsupaseriousproblem?
It’sverydifficulttorespondwhensomeonetellsyouthatthecancercameback,ortheirparentsaregettingdivorced,ortheyarefailingtheirclasses.Acommonresponseistoshifttoamorelightheartedtopic–usuallyafterabrief,awkwardpause.
Butwhatifthepersonreallyneededtotalkabouttheirproblem?Whatiftheytookabigleapofcouragetotellyouhowtheywerereallydoing–andthenyouchangedthetopicasifnothinghadhappened?
Mostofthetimewhensomeonebringsupaproblemwithyou,it’sbecausetheywanttotalkaboutit.It’sdeeplycomfortingtohavesomeonecareenoughtolistentoyourproblems,soyoucanhelpyourfriendjustbylistening.
Iknowit’suncomfortabletolistentoaproblemwhenyoucan’tfixit,buttrustme.Youmakeadifferencejustbylistening.
Soasaruleofthumb–ifsomeonewantstotalkaboutaproblemthey’rehaving,makeyourselfavailabletolisten.Askthemquestions.Becuriousandsupportive.Don’ttrytofixit,butletthemknowthatyouareontheirside.
Iftheywanttochangethetopic,letthem.Butifthey’renotafraidtotalkabouttheirpain,youshouldbebrave,too.
Don’tPanic
Let’ssayyougetsick,soyoudecidetovisitthedoctor.
Asyouexplainyoursymptoms,thedoctorlooksmoreandmoreconcerned,untilshefinallystartsflailingherarms,runningaroundtheroomandscreaming“OHNOYOUHAVEPNEUMONIAI’MFREAKINGOUTRIGHTNOWAAH!”
It’saridiculousimage–becauseweexpectthat,nomatterwhat’swrongwithus,thedoctorisgoingtocalmlyhelpusgetbetter.
Andwhenyourfriendcomestoyouwithaproblem,theyalsoexpectyoutobecalmandhelpthemgetbetter.I’mnotsayingthatyouneedtobeanunemotionalrobot–it’sfinetogetemotional,oreventocrywithyourfriend.
Butrememberthatyourjobistosupportyourfriend,andsometimesthatmeansthatyouneedtoputyourownemotionstothesidesoyoucanbeagoodhelper.Therewillbetimelaterforyoutoprocessyourfeelings–butifyoufreakoutwhenyourfriendneedsyou,thenyoucan’tsupportthem.
Again,yourfriendistheonehavingtheproblem,notyou.Ifyouareevermoreemotionalthanyoursufferingfriend,that’sagoodsignthatyoushouldcalmdownandrefocusonhelpingthem.
We’vefinishedPart1:IntheMoment.OurnextpagesarefromPart2:TheLongTerm.
SupportingaFriendLongTerm
FollowUp
Bigproblemsdon’tgoawayovernight.
Ifyoulearnafriendisstrugglingwithasignificantproblem,they’llprobablystillbestrugglingdowntheroad.Helpthemoutbyrememberingtocheckin.
Forinstance,ifyourfriendsharesastrugglethey’rehaving,itmightbeappropriatetotextthemthenextdaytosay“Hey,I’mthinkingofyouandI’mbehindyou100%”orcallthemafewdayslatertoinvitethemtocoffee.
Ifyouknowafriendishavingahardtimeingeneral(maybetheyarestrugglingwithdepressionorrecoveringfromabreakup),bedeliberatetooccasionallyaskthemhowtheyaredoing–andstickaroundtoheartherealanswer.Peoplewilloftenwithdrawfromsocialinteractionwhentheyaredepressed,soreachouttothemifyouhaven’tseenthemforawhile.
Remember,yourfriendmightbeinsomuchpainthattheydon’twanttotalkabouttheirproblem.IknowthatwhenIamgoingthroughabreakup,thelastthingIwanttodoistalkaboutit–thepainisstilltooraw.
Iftheydon’twanttotalkaboutit,providethemwithsomepositiveinteractionsthataren’tfocusedaroundtheirproblem.Invitethemtohangoutwithyouatthemall,orseeamovietogether,orgoforarun.Basically,invitethemtorememberthegoodpartsoflife,andgivethemarespitefrombroodingovertheirloss.
It’spossibletheywon’twanttodoanyofthesethings–sometimeswhenyouaresuffering,youcan’tenjoynormalactivities.Buteveniftheysayno,ithelpstoknowthatyoucaredenoughtoask.
Itmakesahugedifferencetohaveafriendcareenoughtocheckin.Don’tletyourfrienddropofftheradar.Ifyouknowthey’restruggling,followuponaregularbasisandmakesuretheyknowyoucareaboutthem.Invitethemtocoffee.Letthemknowyoucare.Givethemacall.
They’llbegladyoudid.
Don’tInsistSometimes,thebestthingyoucandoisbackoff.
Maybetheotherpersondoesn’treallywanttotalkabouttheirproblem,ortheydon’tfeelcloseenoughtoyoutoopenup–ormaybethey’realreadygettinggreatsupportfromsomeoneelse.
Ifyouinsistonhelping,youcaneasilymaketheirsituationworse.NowtheyhavetodealwiththeirproblemANDanannoyingwannabehelper.
Ifyou’reaguy,youwanttobeespeciallycarefulhere.It’scommonforguystoconvincethemselvesthatgirlsneedtheirhelp(especiallywhenthey’reattractedtoher),andinsistingthatagirlacceptyourhelpisasurewaytoannoyher.Ifsheneedsyourhelp,she’llaskyouforit.Ifyoucaredabouther,youwouldrespecthernoinsteadoflookingforanopportunitytoshowoff.
Butwhateverthegenderofthepersonyou’rehelping—offeryoursupport,andtheniftheychoosenottotakeit,letitgo.
Iusuallytrytoasktwice–forinstance,“Itlookslikeyou’refeelingdown.Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”
Iftheysayno,Imightadd,“Areyousure?I’mhereforyouifyouneedme.”Iftheyturnmedownagain,thenIletitgoandchangethetopic.
Eveniftheydochoosetotalkaboutit,don’tassumetheywantyoutosolvetheirproblem.Severalmonthsago,Ihadafriendwhocomplainedtomeaboutaproblemshewashaving.Isuggestedshedosomethingtosolveherproblem,andwhenshedecidedshedidn’tlikemyidea,Iwentaheadanddiditforher.
Atthetime,IthoughtIwasbeinghelpful.ButwhenItoldherwhatIhaddone,shewasveryupset.Sheexplainedthatshewasresponsibleforsolvingtheproblem,notme,andbecauseIhaddoneitforher,itcommunicatedthatIdidn’ttrusthertotakecareofherself.Needlesstosay,thiscausedhertofeelveryhurtanddisrespected.
Don’tmakethesamemistakeasme–ifyouoffersomeoneasolutionandtheydon’ttakeit,don’tinsistonit.
Ifyouoffersupportandtheyturnyoudown,letitgo.Letthesufferingpersonbeincharge.
EducateYourself
It’shardtohelpwhenyoudon’tunderstandwhatthey’redealingwith.Sodosomehomeworkonyourfriend’sstruggles.
Iftheyhaveadiagnosedmentalhealthcondition(likedepressionoranorexia),findabookorsomereputablewebsitesthattalkaboutthoseconditions.
Anotheroptionisorganizationsthatprovidesupport.ToWriteLoveonHerArmsisagreatorganizationthatprovidesadviceandencouragementformanycommonstruggles.
Ofcourse,yourfriendcanalsoeducateyou–theyaretheexpertontheirownstruggle.Theymightnotwanttotalkabouttheirstruggle,butusuallypeoplearehappytoopenupabouthowtheirproblemsaffectthem.
Ifyoudotalktoyourfriendabouttheirstruggles,remembertosuspendjudgment.Itmightnotmakesensetoyouwhyabreakupissopainfulorwhydepressionmakesitsohardtogetoutofthebedinthemorning.Butyourfriendhasnoreasontolietoyou,soifthey’retellingyou
somethingabouttheirsituation,it’sprobablyaccurate.
Again,yourfriendistheexpertontheirownstruggle.Don’tdisagreewiththemabouttheirexperiences,orinvalidatetheirfeelings.
Instead,beacuriousstudent.Askquestionsandletthemknowyouwanttolearneverythingyoucaninordertohelpthembetter.Themoreyouknow,themoreyoucanhelp.
SuggestProfessionalHelp
Youwouldn’ttrytosetafriend’sbrokenlegjustbecauseyou’vewatchedsomeGrey’sAnatomy.
Similarly,afewself-helpbooksorapsychologyclassdonotmakeyouatherapist.Sodon’tactlikeone!Ifyouthinkyourfriendneedsprofessionalhelp,pleasereferthemtoacounselor.
Itmightbeagoodideaforyourfriendtoseeacounselorif:
Theyareveryunhappy.Theycan’tenjoynormalthingsinlife.Theirperformanceinworkorschoolissuffering.They’reusingsubstances(likedrugsoralcohol)tocopewiththeproblem.Theyareinanunhealthyorabusiverelationship.Theproblemhaspersistedforalongtimeandhasn’tgottenbetter.
Ofcourse,ifyouhaveanyproblemsthatfitthesedescriptions,pleaseseeacounselortoo!
Mostimportantly:ifyourfriendistalkingabouthurtingthemselvesorsomeoneelse,oriftheymatchanyoftheotherwarningsignsofsuicide,thenitisveryimportantthatyougetthemtoseeacounselorassoonaspossible.Ifyoueverthinktheymaybeinimmediatedangerofsuicide,youshouldcall911(orwhateveryourlocalemergencynumberis.)
Althoughcounselorscanseemexpensive,mosthealthinsurancecoverscounseling,andmanycollegeshavecounselingcentersthatarefreetostudents.Inaddition,somecounselorsoffer“slidingscale”feeswherepeoplewithlowerincomespaylowerrates.Moneyshouldneverbeanobstacletogettingcounseling.
Notsurehowtofindatherapist?PsychologyTodayandGoodTherapyhavelistsoftherapiststhatyoucanlookthroughtofindagoodmatch.YoucanalsofindonlinetherapistatBreakthrough(althoughthisisnotavailableinallareas.)Manytherapistswilldoafreephoneconsultation,soagoodstrategyistoresearchafewtherapiststhatseemgood,giveeachofthemacall,andthenbookasessionwiththeonethatseemslikethebestfit.
Ifyoustartseeingatherapistandtheydon’tactuallyendupbeingagoodfit,that’sokay–justfindsomeoneelse!You’llknowit’sagoodideatolookforanewtherapistifyoureallydon’tgetalongwithyourtherapistatallinthefirstsession,orifyoudon’tseeanyprogressbythefourthsession.
There’snosuchthingasaperfecttherapist,butmosttherapistsareprettygood.Soifyouoryourfriendisreallystruggling,reachouttoatherapisttoday.
That’sallforPart2:TheLongTerm.NextupisPart3:TakeCareofYourself
TakingCareofYourself
LetYourFriendsSupportYou
Inahealthyfriendship,bothpeoplegive,andbothpeoplereceive.
Attimesonepersonmightbedoingmostofthegivingorreceiving,butovertime,itshouldaverageout.
Ortoputitanotherway:Inanormalhealthyfriendship,sometimesyousupportyourfriend,andsometimesyourfriendsupportsyou.Ifyouarealwayssupportingyourfriendandtheyneversupportyou(orviceversa),thatshouldraisearedflag.
Now,sometimesdoing100%ofthegivingistherightthingtodo–forinstance,maybeyourfriendisinacrisisandtheycan’tgivebackyet.
Butusually,ifyouaredoingallofthegiving,thenitsignifiesaproblem.Thisisespeciallytrueiftheone-sidedgivinglastsforalongperiodoftime.
Inthatcase,Iwouldstepbackandtakestockoftherelationship.Isitpossiblethattheotherpersonistakingadvantageofyou?
It’slikelyyouarebeingtakenadvantageofifyoufeelliketheotherpersonguiltsyouintogiving,oriftheotherpersonneverdoesanyworktoimprovetheirownsituation.
It’salsopossiblethatyoumightbemorecomfortableinthegivingrole,andyouareresistanttoreceiving.Thisisespeciallylikelyifyouareinthegivingroleinalmostallofyourcloserelationships.
Youmightwonderwhysomeonewouldfeelmorecomfortableinthegivingrole(afterall,it’smorework.)Simple:whenyouarethegiver,youaretheonewiththepower.Youdon’thavetobedependentorvulnerable;instead,theotherpersonisdependentonyou.
Iusedtobelikethat.
Earlyinlife,Ithought,“Idon’tknowifpeoplewillwantme,butifIcanmakethemneedme,thentheywillstickaround.”SoIworkedtomakemyselfindispensabletoothers.Iofferedsupport,encouragement,advice–andIneveraskedforanythinginreturn.
Theproblem?Theresultingrelationshipswereshallowandunfulfilling.
Iknewalotabouttheotherperson,buttheydidn’tknowmuchaboutme.Theycouldalwayscallmewhentheyneededafriend,butwhenIwashavingahardtimeIsufferedthroughitalone.
Eventually,IrealizedthatIwasbeingfoolish,andIstartedopeninguptomyfriends.
Istartedshowingthemtherealme,startedsharingmystruggles,mydreams,myquirks.Andyouknowwhat?TheyacceptedmejustasIwas.Ididn’tneedtobeneededtobewanted.
Andneitherdoyou.Soifyoufindthatyourrelationshipsaremostlyone-way,startsharingtherealyouwithyourfriends.Ithinkyou’llbegladyoudid.
Don’tSolveOthers’ProblemsforThem
It’stemptingtostepinandsolveyourfriends’problemsforthem.
Butifyoudosomethingthatyourfriendshoulddothemselves,thenitcreatesdependencyandmakesiteasyforthemtotakeadvantageofyou.
Duringmycollegeyears,aclassmatedidn’tdohispartofagroupproject.Insteadoftellingtheteacher,Ijustdidhisworkforhim.
Asyoumightguess,duringthenextprojecthisworkwasonceagainincomplete,andIonceagainfelttheneedtostepinanddohisjobaswellasmyown.OnceIconfrontedhimandtoldhimthatIwouldnolongercoverforhim,hisworkmagicallyimproved.
Ofcourse,thereisabalancehere.Sometimestakingsomeresponsibilitiesoffafriend’splatecanprovidethemwithabigboost.
Afewyearsago,Iwasmovingandfeltverystressedaboutgettingeverythingdone.Myroommatetooktheinitiativetodisassemblemydeskandprepareitformoving(amajorprojectthatwouldhavetakenmealotoftime.)Hishelpreallyreducedmystresslevelsandmademefeelcaredforandsupported.
SoI’mnotsayingthatyoushouldneverdosomethingthatyourfriendcandoforthemselves.Instead,I’mwarningyoutolookforpatterns.
Ifyoustarttofeelobligatedtodosomethingforyourfriendthattheyshouldnormallydoforthemselves,oriftheyexpectyoutodothingsforthemwhiletheylazeabout,that’sasignthatyouprobablyneedtorethinkhowyousupportthatfriend.Ifyou’renotsure,trysaying,“No,”sometimesandseewhathappens.
Inaddition,becarefultomaintaingoodemotionalboundaries.Youneedtobeabletoliveyourlifeevenifyourfriendisstruggling.Ifyoucan’tfeelhappyaslongasyourfriendisstruggling,orifyoufeelpersonallyresponsibleforyourfriend’srecovery,it’slikelyyourboundarieshavecollapsed.
Remember,youarenotresponsibleforyourfriend.Yourfriendisresponsibleforthemselves.
Decidewhatisappropriateforyoutogive,andtrustyourfriendtodotherest.
MakeSureYourFriendWantstoGetBetter
IhadafriendincollegewhowouldfrequentlymessagemerightbeforeIwasgoingtogotobedandshareaproblemthatshewantedtotalkabout.Istayeduplatetalkingwiththisgirlnumeroustimes,sacrificingmysleep(andsometimes,mygrades!)togiveherencouragementandsupport.
However,myfriend:
Wouldneverseeacounselor,despitemyrequests.
Wouldalwayswaituntillateatnighttobringherproblemstome–shewouldneverdiscussthemduringthedayevenwhenIgavehertheopportunity.
Wouldneverdoanythingtoimprovehersituation.(Forinstance,shewouldspendhoursandhourscomplainingtomeaboutherboyfriend,butsherefusedtobreakupwithhimoraskhimtoimprovehisbehavior.)
Ultimately,Irealizedthatshedidn’treallywanttogetbetter–partofherthatwantedthe“victim”identity,andshelikedthepowerthatherpaingaveheroverotherpeople.Forinstance,IthinkshemayhavewaiteduntillateatnighttotalktomebecauseshefeltimportantwhenIsacrificedmysleepforher.
Shewasn’tfakingit,exactly–alotofbadthingshappenedtoher,andshewasgenuinelyunhappy.Butshedidnotwanttogetbetter,andIcouldn’tforcehertogetbetteragainstherwill.
UltimatelythesacrificesImadetosupportandencourageherwerewasted.Allofmyeffortsonlyservedtopullmedown,nottobringherup.
Sowhatdoesthismeanforyou?Basically–becarefulwhenitseemsliketheotherpersonisnotanactiveparticipantintheirrecovery.Iftheyexpectyoutosacrificeforthembuttheywon’tdobasicthingstoimprovetheirownsituation,somethingiswrongandyouneedtoprotectyourself.
Youdon’tneedtocuttiesordoanythingdrastic,butifthereisstrongevidencetheydon’twanttogetbetter,thenitmightbereasonableforyoutorequirethemtoinvestintheirrecoverybeforeyouwillmakemoresacrificesforthem.
Forinstance,Ishouldhavetoldher,“Iknowyouarefeelingbadtonight,butIthinkwhatyoureallyneedrightnowistotalktoacounselor,nottotalktome.Onceyouscheduleanappointmentwithacounselor,I’llbehappytotalkwithyouaboutyourproblemsagain.”
Ofcourse,itcansometimesbehardtotellifsomeoneistryingtogetbetter,becausesometimesthingsthatseemreallyeasy(likeschedulinganappointmentwithacounselor)canbereallyhardforsomeonewhoisstrugglingwithdepressionoranothermentalhealthissue.Don’tgiveuponafriendjustbecausethey’renotdoingeverythingyouthinktheyshouldbedoing.It’salwaysbettertoerronthesideofgenerosity.
Butifovertimeyouseeapatternofthepersonnotworkingtogetbetter,thenitmaybetimeto
putsomeboundariesinplace.Notonlywillthisprotectyoufromburnout,butitmayalsoshowtheotherpersonthattheyarecaughtinaself-destructivepattern.
PracticeSelfCare
Ifyougotoolongwithoutsleepingoreating,you’llcollapse.
Itdoesn’tmatterhowstrongyouare–yourbodyhasphysicallimits,andwhenyoureachthemyouwillshutdown.
Similarly,ifyougotoolongwithouttakingcareofyourselfemotionally,youwillburnoutormeltdown.Itdoesn’tmatterifyouareMr.RogersorMotherTeresa–eventhemostlovingpeopleintheworldcan’ttakecareofothersunlesstheytakecareofthemselves,too.
Thebottomline:Ifyouwanttotakecareofotherpeople,youneedtotakecareofyourself.
Therapistscallthisidea“self-care”butyoucancallitwhateveryouwant.Justmakesureyoudoit!
Tohelpyoufigureoutifyouneedbetterself-care,I’vewrittenupsomequestionsyoushouldaskyourself.Takesometimetothinkthroughthesequestionsnow.
Physical
Areyougettingenoughsleep?
Areyoueatingthreemealsaday?
Areyouabletoexercise?
Relational
Doyouhavepeopleyoutalktoaboutyourproblems?
Doyouspendtimewithpeoplejusttohavefun,notsoyoucansupportthem?
Areyouabletosay“No”toyourfriendswhenyouneedto?
Balance
Doyouhavetimetodothethingsyouenjoy(hobbies,etc.?)
Canyoubehappyevenwhenyouknowyourfriendisstillstruggling?
Areyouabletotakecareofyourpersonalresponsibilities?(Schoolwork,yourjob,etc.?)
Areyouabletopursuepersonalgoalsanddreamsthatareimportanttoyou?
Ifyouanswer“No”toanyofthesequestions,itmaybeasignthatyoushouldprioritizeself-care.
Ifyouanswer“No”toalotofthesequestions,youneedtotakebettercareofyourselforyou
willburnout.
Remember,nobodyneedsyoutobeasuperhero.It’swonderfulthatyouaresupportingyourfriend,andsometimesitcanfeellikeyouneedtoburnyourselfouttobeatruefriend.
Butyoucan’thelpanyoneifyouburnout—andifyoudon’ttakecareofyourself,youwillburnout.Rememberthatyourlifematterstoo,andyourfriendwantsyoutobehappyeveniftheyarenot.
Chapter9:Dating
Datingisabigdeal.
Romanticcomediesandlovesongstellusthatallourproblemswillbesolvedifwejustfindtheonerightperson.Onlinedatingisamulti-billiondollarindustry.AndeverythingfrompromdancestoValentine’sDayseemstoexisttoextolthevirtuesofdating.
Andthetruthis,datingcanbewonderful.Havingaspecialsomeonetoshareyourexperienceswithmakeslifesweeterandhavingsomeonewhoknowsyoudeeplycanhelpyouunderstandyourselfbettertoo.
Butdatingcanalsobeverydestructive.
It’seasytodevelopanunhealthydependencyonthepersonyouaredating,orformanipulationanddisrespecttopoisontheaffectionthatyoushare.
Fortunately,alittleknowledgegoesalongwayinavoidingtheseproblems.Therearebedrockprinciplesthatwillhelpyoumakesureyourdatingrelationshipsarehealthy,positive,andlife-givingforbothyouandyourpartner.
SinceIvaluelasting,intimaterelationships,Idiscussmorethanjusthowtogetagirlorguy’sattention.Thissectionwillguideyouallthewayfromyourfirstmeetingtoalong-termrelationship,andwillshowyouthepitfallstoavoidalongtheway.
Andsincethisisasocialskillsguideafterall,I’llalsoaddressthesocialskillsofdating.Howtoasksomeoneout,whattodoonthatfirstdate–I’llcoveritall.
Sowhatareyouwaitingfor?Divein!
HealthyRelationshipsDefinedWhatisahealthyrelationship,andwhyisitimportant?
HowtoHaveaHealthyRelationshipHowdoyoumakesurethatyourrelationshipishealthy,positiveandfulfilling?
BeginningaRomanceHowdoyoustartaromanceontherightfoot?Wheredoyougotomeetyournextpartner?
FromFriendshiptoFirstKissHowdoyoumovefromfriendshiptoromance?Howdoyouletsomeoneknowyoulikethem?
BuildingaRelationshipWorthHavingOnceyou’vestartedarelationship,howdoyougetclosertoyourpartner?Howdoyoumakeyourrelationshipstayshealthy?
SlowandSteadyWinsTheirHeartHowdotimeandcommitmentplayintoyourrelationship?
SlowandSteadyWinsTheirHeart,Part2Howdoyougrowinphysicalandemotionalintimacy,withoutdamagingthe
relationship?
HealthyRelationshipsDefined
Ok.Let’sgetphilosophicalforasecond.
Iknowyouprobablywanttojumpaheadtothemore“practical”portionofthissection.Youwanttoknowhowtoasksomeoneout,whattodoonadate–andtrustme,we’llgetthere.
Butthoseskillsareuselessifyoudon’tknowhowtohaveahealthyrelationship.Infact,theycanbeworsethanuseless,becausebeinginanunhealthyrelationshipisoftenmuchworsethanbeingsingle.
Solet’stakethetimetogooversomefoundationalprinciplesofhealthyrelationships(becauseremember,thefoundationiseverything.)
ButbeforeIstart,oneimportantnote.
There’sabigdifferencebetweenarelationshipthatisunhealthyandarelationshipthatisabusive.Good-hearted,well-intentionedpeoplecaneasilyslipintorelationshipsthatareunhealthy,andalthoughsometimestherightresponsetoanunhealthyrelationshipistoendit,oftenalittleworkcanmakethoserelationshipshealthyagain.
Incontrast,ifyouareinanabusiverelationship,youneedtogetoutandyouneedtogethelp.Andifsomeoneyouknowmightbeinanabusiverelationship,youneedtotellsomeoneandgethelpforthem.
Takeaminuteandreadthroughthewarningsignsofabuserightnow.Seriously,I’llwait.
Evenifyouwillneverbeinanabusiverelationship,knowingthesignswillhelpyourecognizewhenafriendisatriskofbeingabused.Andifyourecognizethosesignsinyourrelationshiporafriend’srelationship,youshouldcalladomesticabusehotlineandtellsomeonewhat’sgoingon.
HealthyRelationships:ALoveStoryStillwithme?Cool.
Let’smoveontohowtomakesureyourrelationshipishealthy.ButwhatdoImeanbyahealthyrelationship?
Well,letmetellyouastory.
Mysenioryearofcollege,IdatedagirlnamedSam,whoisawonderfulyoungwomanwithalovingsoulandanincrediblegiftforart.
Oneevening,Samaskedme“Daniel,whatisyourgoalforourrelationship?”
Ireplied,“Sam,Iwantthepeoplewhoknowyouandloveyouthebesttobeabletosay‘WearesogladthatDanieldatedSam,becausehemadeherreallyhappy,andbecausehehelpedherbecomemorethepersonthatshewassupposedtobe.’”
MyrelationshipwithSamisnowover,butIstilltakeagreatdealofjoyintheknowledgethatIdidmybesttoliveoutthatanswer.IacceptedSamforwhoshewas,broughtjoytoherlife,andencouragedhertogrowmoreintothepersonshewassupposedtobe.
Andyouknowwhat?SamacceptedmeforwhoIwas,broughtjoytomylife,andencouragedmetogrowmoreintothepersonIwassupposedtobe.
Thatisahealthyrelationshipinanutshell.Itwasarelationshipinwhichweacceptedandcherishedeachother,whereweencouragedeachothertogrow,andwhereweweremorefocusedongivingtoeachotherthanreceivingfromeachother.
Itwasalsoahealthyrelationshipbecauseofwhatwedidnotdo.Wedidn’tdisrespectormanipulateeachother.Wedidn’tdropeverythingelseinourlifetofocussolelyoneachother.Wedidn’tpressureeachothertochange(weencouragedeachothertogrow,butwealwaysacceptedeachotherforwhowewere,notforwhowemightbeinthefuture.)Andwedidn’trushthings–welettherelationshipgrowatanatural,healthypace.
CommittingtoHealthyRelationshipsMyrelationshipwithSamwasawonderfulpartofmylife,andIwantyoutohavewonderful,healthyrelationshipstoo.
ButI’llbehonest.Healthydatingrelationshipstakework.Theyrequirethatyoudedicateyourselftoyourpartner’swell-beingandhappiness,andthatyouswallowyourprideandyourselfishness.Theyrequireawillingnesstomakeshort-termsacrificessothatyoucanhavelastingjoy.
Theyrequireacommitment,inshort.Andcommitmentsarehard.
Butwhenyouhaveexperiencedthejoyofatrulyhealthyrelationship,youwon’teverwanttosettleforanythingless.Ihopethatwhenyouenteryournextrelationship,youcommittomakingitahealthyone–bothforyoursake,andthesakeofyourpartner.
Ofcourse,evenifyouarefullycommittedtoahealthyrelationship,wantingahealthyrelationshipisnotthesameasknowinghowtogetthere.Fortunately,thenextlessonexplainsindetail“HowtoHaveaHealthyRelationship”andcontainsallofthepracticalinformationyouneedtoknow.
HowtoHaveaHealthyRelationship
Ifyou’vereadthepreviouslesson,youhopefullyunderstandwhyhealthyrelationshipsareimportant.
Now,it’stimetolearnthedetailsofwhatmakesarelationshiphealthy(orunhealthy.)
Becauseeveryrelationshipisdifferent,there’snowaytomakeanexhaustivelistofallthewaysrelationshipscouldbehealthyorunhealthy.Butifyoufocusonthemostimportantthings,youwillavoidthevastmajorityofproblems.
Withthatinmind,I’velistedthethreemajorprinciplesthatneedtobetrueforanyrelationshiptobehealthy.Learnthesethreeprinciples,andyou’llknowhowtohaveahealthy,fulfillingromance.
Ready?Let’sdivein.
FreedomandAcceptanceInahealthyrelationship,bothpartnersfeelaccepted,andhavethefreedomtobethemselves.
Thatmeansthatbothpartnersshouldbeabletorelaxandbethemselves,withoutworryingthattheotherpartnerwilljudgethemfortheirthoughtsoractions.Youshouldneverneedtohidepartofyourselftobeacceptedbyyourpartner.
Ofcourse,thisdoesn’tmeanthatyourpartnerhastoapproveofeverythingthatyoudo.Ifyou’remakingabaddecision,Ihopeyourpartnerspeaksuptoletyouknow!
Butyoushouldn’tfeelthatyouhavetoagreewiththeiropinionsforthemtoacceptyou,andyoushouldn’tfeellikeyouneedyourpartner’spermissiontomakeyourowndecisionsaboutyourlife.
Evenwhenyoudisagree,youshouldstillrespecteachother’sopinions.Ifyourpartnerbelittlesyouropinionsandbeliefs,ordoesn’ttreatyoulikeanequal,that’saserioussignofanunhealthyrelationship.
Inaddition,youshouldbothfeelthatyouhavethefreedomtotalkabouttherelationship,andtobringupproblemsthatyousee.Ifmypartnerdoessomethingthatupsetsme,Ishouldbeableto(gently)letherknow.
Andifsheseesaprobleminourrelationship,sheshouldbeabletoletmeknowsowecanfindasolution.Bothpartnersareequalmembersoftherelationship,sotheyshouldhaveequalsayaboutwhathappensintherelationship.
MeaningfulLivesOutsidetheRelationshipInahealthyrelationship,bothpartnershavefulfillinglivesoutsideoftheirdatingrelationshipandmaintainclosefriendshipswithpeopleotherthantheirdatingpartner.Inaddition,bothpartnerssupporteachothertopursuethoseimportantpartsoflifethatareoutsideofthedatingrelationship.
It’snotuncommonforpeopletoleteverythingelseintheirlifeslidewhentheystartanewrelationship.Theystopspendingtimewithfriendsorpursuingtheirgoalsbecausethenewrelationshipquicklytakesupalloftheirtime.
Thisisunhealthy.
Adatingrelationshipshouldbeasignificantpartofyourlife,butit’sonlypartofyourlife.
Youshouldstillhaveothercloserelationships,aswellashobbiesthatyouenjoyandlifegoalsthatyoupursue.Yourrelationshipshouldn’tbetheonlythingyouspendyourfreetimeon,norshoulditbetheonlyimportantthinginyourlife.
Inaddition,yourpartnershouldsupportyouinyouroutsiderelationships,hobbies,andgoals.Yourpartnershouldencourageyoutogetthatdegree,ortosignupforthatbowlingleague,ortospendsometimewiththatfriendthatyouhaven’tseeninawhile.
Andyoushouldencourageyourpartnerinthesameway–evenifthatmeanstheyspentlesstimewithyou.Ifit’simportanttothem,itshouldbeimportanttoyou.
SharedSelflessnessInahealthyrelationship,bothpartnersmakeittheirgoalfortheirpartnertobehappyandfulfilled,nottohavetheirpartnermakethemhappyandfulfilled.
Thisisthemostimportantpoint.Solistencarefully,andpleasemakesureyouunderstandwhatI’msaying.
Ifyouaremoreconcernedwithwhatyourpartnercandoforyouthanwithwhatyoucandoforyourpartner,thenyoushouldnotbedatingthem.
Andiftheyaremoreconcernedwithwhatyoucandoforthemthanwithwhattheycandoforyou,thentheyshouldnotbedatingyou.
It’snaturaltothinkaboutthegoodthingsourpartnercandoforus–theygiveussomeonetotalkto,alleviateourloneliness,andfeelreallynicetokissorhold.Andit’soktowantthosethings,andtoenjoythem.
Butyourgoalinyourrelationshipshouldnotbetogeteverythingyoucanfromyourpartner.Itshouldbetogiveeverythingyoucantoyourpartner,becauseafterall,givingiswhatloveisallabout.
Ofcourse,yourpartnershouldalsohavethismotive.
Ifyougiveeverythingyoucantoyourpartner,butyourpartnerrarelygivestoyou,thentheyaretakingadvantageofyou(andyoushouldn’tbedatingthem.)Stayawayfromthetrapof“IfonlyIgavemore/becameabetterpartner,maybemypartnerwouldstarttogivetome.”
TheBeautyofInterdependenceButhopefully,youdocareaboutyourpartner,andtheydocareaboutyou.Andwhenthatistrue,somethingincrediblehappens.
Youcanstopworryingsomuchaboutyourself,andinsteadfocusonmeetingtheirneeds.Andtheycanstopworryingsomuchaboutthemselves,andinsteadfocusonmeetingyourneeds.Youtrustyourpartnertotakecareofyou,andtheytrustyoutotakecareofthem.
Thereisabeautifulinterdependencethatiscreated,wherethetwoofyoucanrestineachother’spresenceandknowthatyouaresafeandlovedandaccepted.Youcantrustthatyoudon’thavetohaveitalltogether,becauseyourpartnerhasyourback,andlovesyouevenwhenyoumakemistakes.
Oneday,youmightbepresentedwiththeopportunitytosettleforarelationshipthatisunhealthyandsuperficial.Don’tdoit.
Thebeautyandjoyofahealthy,interdependentrelationshipisanexperiencelikenoneother,andit’sworththewait.Don’tcheatyourselfbysettlingforsomethingless.
Ofcourse,youcan’tgettothatpointofinterdependencewithoutfirststartingtherelationship.
BeginningaRomance
Ok.You’vereadthroughtheexplanationofahealthyrelationship,andyou’reexcitedtoexperienceagreatrelationshipwiththatspecialsomeone.
So…nowwhat?
Withafewexceptions,yourperfectpartnerisnotgoingtodropfromtheskyintoyourwaitingarms.Youneedtomeetthemfirst,andthengettoknowthem,andthentaketheplungeofadmittingyourfeelingsandenteringthestrangeandwonderfulworldofmore-than-friends.
Butwithalittleguidance,thatprocesscanbeexcitingandjoyful,insteadofconfusingandscary.Let’swalkthrougheachofthestepsinturn.
MeetingYourPartnerForgetsingleseventsandawkwardlytryingtopickuppeopleatbars.
Youshouldmeetpotentialromanticpartnersintheexactsamewaythatyouwouldmeetnewfriends.Thisfliesagainstalotofconventionalwisdom,Iknow.
Buthearmeout–thereisanimportantreasonwhyIbelievethisistrue.
Whenyougotoaneventfortheexpresspurposeofmeetingaromanticpartner,you’remuchmorelikelytolinkupwithsomeonewhoisabadfitforyou.Becausethepressureison,youareprobablygoingtofocusonmakingagoodimpression,insteadofputtingyourfocusongettingtoknowthepeopleyoumeet.
Authenticityandvulnerability(thebuildingblocksofrealconnectionandintimacy)gooutthewindow,andsuperficialattractivenessandcharmtakethespotlight.
Theresult?Youzeroinonthefolkswhoarethemostsuperficiallyattractive–notthepeoplewhowillbethebestlong-termpartnerforyou.
Thesolution?Takethetimetogettoknowthatattractiveguy/girlasapersonbeforeyoustartthinkingaboutthemasapotentialromanticpartner.
TrueAttractionIt’sfinetobeinitiallyattractedtosomeone.Buttakeastepbackandremindyourselfthatyoudon’treallyknowthemyet.Justlikethereistruefearandphysicalfear,thereistrueattractionandphysicalattraction.
Youwanttowaitfortrueattraction–whichisthesweetmomentwhereyourealizeyouliketheotherpersonforwhotheyare,notforwhattheycanofferyou.Andthattrueattractiontakestimetobuild.
AndwhenIsayit“takestimetobuild,”I’mreferringtodaysorweeks,notminutes.Iknowthat
seemsdullandunromantic(whathappenedtoloveatfirstsight?)Butrememberthatthefoundationiseverything,andittakestimetomakeagoodfoundationforyourrelationship.
Ifyoutakethetimetoreallygettoknowtheotherperson,youwillbuildyourromanceonarock-solidfoundationoftrueattraction.Rushin,andyourrelationshipwillbalanceprecariouslyontheshakyfoundationofphysicalattraction.
ApplicationHere’showyouputthisinaction.
First,checkyourmotives.Findingadatingpartnershouldnotbeyourprimarymotiveformeetingnewpeople.It’sfinetohavethatbepartofyourmotives,butitshouldn’tbeyournumberone.
Theprimarymotiveof“findadate”meansthatyou’remissingoutonthechancetomakegoodfriendshipswithpeoplethatdon’tpingyour“possibledate”radar.Plus(likeIexplainabove),whenyourprimarymotiveisfindingadate,it’sactuallymuchharderforyoutofindagooddatingpartner.
Sotakethetimetothinkthroughyourmotives.Ifyoufindthatyourprimarymotiveisinfactfindingadatingpartner,don’tdespair.Justspendsometimespeakingtruthtoyourself,andremindyourselfofthereasonsforgettingtoknowpeopleaspeople,insteadofaspotentialdates.
Second,shakeupyourroutine.Ifyou’renotgoingtodating-focusedevents,youneedanotherwaytomeetpeople.Ifyoukeepgoingtothesameeventsorspendingtimewiththesamegroups,youropportunitiestomeetnewpeoplewillbeverylimited.
Sotrynewthings.Signupforaclassinatopicthatinterestsyou.Joinavolunteergroup.Makearulethatyou’lltryonenewthingeveryweek,ormakealistofnewgroupstocheckout.
Ofcourse,thisadvicewillalsohelpyouwithlifeingeneral.Shakingupyourroutineisasurefirewaytomakenewfriends,enrichyourlife,anddiscovernewpassions.Butit’salsoextremelyapplicabletofindingadatingpartner–everynewthingyoutryisanotheropportunitytomeetthatspecialsomeone.
Third,pursuedeepconnections.RememberwhenIsaidyouwanttogettoknowthatattractiveguy/girlasapersonbeforeyoustartdreamingaboutthemasyourboyfriend/girlfriend?Well,thatrequiresthatyoumakeapointofgettingtoknowpeople.
Sopursuedeepconnectionswithpeople.Trytopushpastsuperficialconversationsabouttheweatherorthelatestmovieandtrytolearnthestoryofthepeopleyouaretalkingwith.Findoutwhatmakesthemunique;askthemabouttheirpassionsandtheirdreams–andshareyourstorywiththeminresponse.
Ofcourse,makingdeepconnectionstakestime,andittakespractice.Somepeoplewon’tbeopentoconnecting,andthat’sfine.Youshouldalwaysbereadytosteertheconversationaway
frompersonaltopicsifyousensetheotherpersonbecominguncomfortable,andit’softenwisetotakegradualstepstowardsadeepconnectionwhenyou’renotsureiftheotherpersonwillbecomfortable.
Butgivepeopletheopportunitytoconnect–don’tassumetheywillsayno.Askquestionsthatshowyourgenuineinterestintheotherperson.Sharepartsofyourownstorytolettheotherpersonknowthatsharingisok.
Iftheotherpersonseesthatyougenuinelywanttogettoknowthem,theyalmostalwayswillrespondpositivelytoyourattemptstoconnect.Mostpeoplereallywanttoconnectwithothers–theyjustwantsomeoneelsetomakethefirstmove.
Somakeapointofconnectingwitheveryoneyoucan.Ithinkifyoudo,you’llfindyourlifeblessedwithnewfriends,goodconversations,andperhaps(onedaysoon)anewspecialsomeone.
MovingBeyondFriendshipOk.Let’ssayyouresistedshort-sighted“findadateatallcosts”motives,youshookupyourroutine,andyou’remakingagenuineefforttoconnectwiththenewpeopleyou’vemet.
Andlet’ssaythatoneofthosenewpeoplehasconnectedwithyouinaspecialway,andaftergettingtoknowhim/herasaperson,you’rereadytoenterthestrangeandbeautifulworldofmore-than-friends.
Nowwhat?
Well,that’swhatwe’lltacklenext,inalessonIcall“FromFriendshiptoFirstKiss.”
FromFriendshiptoFirstKiss
Ok.Let’ssayyou’vespentthetimetogettoknowthisnewperson.Youenjoyspendingtimewiththem,youfeelclosetothem,andtheyseemtoenjoyspendingtimewithyoutoo.
Plus,you’vesortedthroughyouremotionsandyoufeelthattrueattractionisstartingtobuild–thisismorethanacrush.Andyou’vetakenalookathowthetwoofyouinteracttomakesureyoudon’tseeanywarningsignsofanunhealthyrelationship.
You’rereadytomovetherelationshipintodatingterritory,inotherwords.
Buthowdoyoudoit?
Well,there’snoonerightway.Relationshipsaredifferentbecausepeoplearedifferent,soyourlovestorywillbedifferentthanthecoupledowntheroad.
Butingeneral,there’sthreesimplestepsthatyoucanfollow.
First,gaugetheirinterest.
Second,signalyourinterest.
Third,declareyourinterest.
Ready?Let’stackleeachinturn.
GaugeTheirInterestThisonecanbetough.
Peoplewilloftentreatagoodfriendandaromanticinterestinaverysimilarway,soit’seasytogetafalsepositive.
ItISpossibletotellwhensomeoneisromanticallyinterestedinyou,butit’shard,anditrequiresalotofpractice.Youneedtoexperienceseveralpeopleinteractingwithyouasafriendandalsoseveralpeopleinteractingwithyouasaromanticinterestbeforeyoucanreliablytellthedifferencebetweenthetwo.
Becauseofthis,thebestwaytotellifsomeoneisinterestedinyouistocomparethewaytheyinteractwithyouwiththewaytheyinteractwithothersofyourgender.
Ifsomeoneisveryphysicallyaffectionatewithyou,butthey’realsoveryphysicallyaffectionatewiththeirotherclosefriends,that’snotasignalthatthey’reinterestedinyou.Ifsomeonespendslotsoftimewithyouone-on-one,andtheyrarelyhangoutwithotherfriendsone-on-one,that’samuchmorepositivesignal.
SignalYourInterest
Ifyouhaveareasonablesuspicionthepersonisinterestedinyou,it’stimetoletthemknowthatyouareinterestedtoo.
However,youshouldn’tforcethemintoadecision.Atthisstage,youwanttogivethemthechancetogetusedtothethoughtofdatingyou,withoutthepressureofacommitment.
Inotherwords,askthemonadate,butdon’taskthemtobeyourboyfriend/girlfriend.
Now,ifyoufollowedtheadviceintheguide,you’vealreadyspentsometimewiththispersonandgottentoknowthem.Soifyouaskthemtospendsomemoretimetogether,you’renotsendingaclearsignalofinterest.
Instead,invitethemtosomethingthatfeelslikeatraditionaldate–dinnerandamovie,aschooldance,etc.
Putsomeeffortintomakingitfeelromantic,andfeelfreetobemoreflirty,butdon’tgooverboard.Youwanttobethesamepersontheygottoknowpre-dating,soifyouactartificiallyromantic,itwillmakethemuncomfortable.
Mostly,justrelaxandenjoytheevening.Yourdateisanopportunitytogetahintofwhatarelationshipwouldbelike,sothegoalisnottowooyourpartnerbuttogivethetwoofyouachancetoconsidertheideaofmore-than-friends.
Theymightaskifit’sadate,inwhichcaseyoushouldbehonestandsayyes.Thepointisnottobecoyaboutyourinterestbutrathertoshareyourinterestinawaythatdoesn’tforcethemtoimmediatelydecideiftheyareinterestedinyou.
DeclareYourInterestAfteryougoonadate(ortwo)andallgoeswell,it’stimetosharethewayyoufeel.
Thisdoesn’thavetobeanelaborateaffair.Justpickatimewhenyou’rebothrelaxed,findaquietplace,andspeakfromtheheart.Don’tworryaboutflowerylanguageorbeingromantic–justbehonest.
It’soktoshareyourfeelingsinacreativeway.Forinstance,ifthethoughtofsharingyourfeelingsoutloudterrifiesyou,perhapsyoucouldwritethemaletter(ofcourse,makesureyou’retherewhentheyreadit!)
Whenyou’vesharedhowyoufeel,givethemsomespacetosharehowtheyfeel.It’spossiblethatthey’renotsureyet,ortheyneedmoretimetogettoknowyou.Sobewillingtotalkthroughtheirfeelingswiththem,andbewillingtowaitforananswerifthey’renotreadyyet.
ABriefNoteonRejectionIt’salsopossiblethattheydon’tshareyourfeelings.
Usuallyyouwouldhavefoundthisoutbeforeyouexplicitlysharedyourfeelings,butsometimesyouhavetoputallyourcardsonthetablebeforeyoulearnhowsomeonereallyfeels.
Ifthat’sthecase,it’sgoingtosuck.It’shardtotellsomeoneyoulikethem,andfindthattheydon’tlikeyouback(atleast,notromantically.)Soyou’regoingtohavetodealwithsomepain,andit’simportanttoacknowledgethatpainandnotbottleituporignoreit.
Butitwillbeok.
Youdon’tneedtodatesomeonetobehappy.Andalthoughyoufeltaspecialconnectionwiththisperson,youwillfindthatspecialconnectionwithsomeoneelseinthefuture.
Andinthemeantime,youcanhaveawonderfulfriendshipwiththispersonthatyou’vegrownfondof.Insteadofbeingangrythatyoucan’thavearomancewiththatperson,begratefulforthefriendshipthatyoucanenjoy.
Itwilltakesomeworktoretrainyourheart,butitcanbedone.
(Ofcourse,thisadviceappliesmoretorelationshipsthatneverreallygetoffthegroundratherthantobreakupsofcommittedrelationships.Onceyouandyourpartnerhavebecomeboyfriendandgirlfriendwithsomeone,itismuchharder—althoughstillpossible—toreturntoastateofclosefriendship.Butwe’lldiscussbreakupslater)
More-Than-FriendsIneededtoaddressrejectionbecauseitcanhappen,andyouneedtobepreparedforit.
Butalthoughyouneedtoprepareforit,it’sprobablynotlikely.Iftheydon’tshareyourfeelings,youprobablywouldhavefiguredthatoutwhenattemptingtogaugetheirinterest,ortheywouldhaveletyouknowwhenyouinvitedthemonthatfirstdate.
Somostlikely,whenyoutaketheplungeandadmityouraffection,youwillfindthatyourpartnerreturnsthataffection.
Inthatcase,congratulations!Thestartofarelationshipisanincredibleexperience,andaspecial,wonderfultimeofyourlifeisjustbeginning.
BuildingaRelationshipWorthHaving
Ok.You’vefoundthatspecialsomeone,expressedyourinterest,andgotthe“Yes!”
Now,it’stimetoenjoythewonderfulprocessofgettingtoknowyournewpartnerandgrowingdeeperinintimacy,affection,andlove.
However,there’sarightwayandawrongwayofdoingthis.
Thewrongway(thatmanycouplesfallinto),istorushintotherelationshipfullthrottle.Youmayhavebeencautiouswhengaugingtheotherperson’sinterest,butnowthattherelationshipisofficial,anythoughtofbrakesgooutthewindow.
Youshareyourdeepest,darkestsecretswiththem.Youletyourselfgetsoemotionallyattachedthatabreakupwoulddevastateyou.Andyouremovealllimitsfromyourphysicalaffection–allbeforetherelationshipistwoweeksold!
TheDangersofFullThrottleIntimacyThere’sareasonIcallthisthe“wrongway”ofgoingaboutrelationships.Yourrelationshipneedstimetogrowifyouwantittobehealthy.
ThinkbacktoyourlastThanksgivingdinner.
Theturkeyhastostayintheovenforhoursbeforeit’sready,andthere’snowaytoshortcuttheprocess.
Ifyoucranktheoventemperatureupto1000degrees,you’renotgoingtogetadeliciousturkeyinfiveminutes–you’regoingtolighttheturkeyonfire(andpossiblyburnyourhousedown.)
Thissameprincipleworksinrelationships.
Ittakestimefortrueintimacytobuild.
Ittakestimeforsomeonetotrulyearnyourtrust.
Ittakestimefortwopeopletolearntoloveeachotherwell.
Andifyou’renotwillingtogiveitthattime,youruntheriskofhavingarelationshipthatendsuplikeourscorchedThanksgivingturkey.Youdon’twantthat–andwhat’smore,youdon’twanttoinflictthatonyourpartner.
The“SlowandSteady”SquareOfcourse,youdon’twanttogotoofast–butyoualsodon’twanttostandstill.Sohowdoyouknowthatyourrelationshipisgrowingatahealthypace?
AveryhandyruleofthumbissomethingIcallthe“SlowandSteady”Square
Inasquare,therearefourequalsides.Ifeverysideincreasesbythesameamount,theneach
sideisstillequalandyoustillhaveasquare.
Ifsomesidesincreasebutothersdonot,thenyounolongerhaveasquare.
Forthe“SlowandSteady”Square,thinkofthefoursidesofthesquareasTime,Commitment,PhysicalIntimacy,andEmotionalIntimacy.Youwanteachofthosefoursidestogoupatmore-or-lessthesamerate,sothatyoukeepasquare.
Inotherwords,asyouspendtimewithyourpartner,youwantcommitment,physicalintimacy,andemotionalintimacytoincreaseatsimilarrates.And,youwantasignificantamountoftimetoelapsebeforeyoureachsignificantlevelsofcommitment,physicalintimacy,oremotionalintimacy.
Ifsomeofthosefouraspectsincreasessignificantlyfaster(orslower)thantheothers,don’tfreakout.Justtakedeliberateactiontobringallfourbackintobalance.
Inotherwords,ifonesideisgrowingtoofast,slowitdown.Ifit’sgrowingtooslow,speeditup.Simple,right?
“SlowandSteady”inPracticeI’lladmit,thisisnotaperfectrule.
Inarealrelationshipthesefoursideswillnevermoveatexactlythesamespeed.
Butthat’sok.Yourgoalistokeepyourrelationshipmore-or-lessinbalance,nottoperfectlyadheretothesquare.
Basically,usethesquareasacheck-uptool.Everynowandthen,takesometimetothinkthroughwhereyourrelationshipfallsonthesquare.
Ifyou’refindingthatsomeofthesidesareincreasingmuchfasterorslowerthantheothers,thenmakedeliberatedecisionstobringthemmoreinbalance.
Forinstance,ifyoufindthatyouremotionalintimacydoesnotseemtobeincreasing,maybeyouandyourpartnercantryhavingmoreconversationsaboutpersonaltopics.
Or,ifyoufindthatphysicalintimacyseemstobeincreasingwayfasterthaneverythingelse,makeanagreementwithyourpartnerthatyou’llbemorehands-offforthetimebeing.It’snotthatphysicalintimacyiswrong–youjustdon’twanttogettheretoosoon.
Makesense?
Thisisalottodigest,soit’sokifit’sstillalittlefuzzyrightnow.Inthenextsection,I’llexplainindetailwhatImeanbyeachofthefoursides,andhowtotellifasideisincreasingtoofastortooslow.Withthatadviceunderyourbelt,you’llbefullyequippedtoapplythe“SlowandSteady”squares
SlowandSteady...
Ok.Youwantyourrelationshiptogrowatahealthyrate.Andyou(mostly)gettheideaofthe“SlowandSteady”square–itmakessensethattime,commitment,physicalintimacyandemotionalintimacyshouldgoupatthesamerate.
Butyou’reprobablystillleftwithalotofquestions.
Howdoyouactuallyfigureouthowfastthosefoursidesaregoingup,relativetoeachother?
Howmuchtimedoyouneedbeforethecommitmentofboyfriendandgirlfriend?Howmuchemotionalintimacydoyouneedbeforethatfirstkiss?
AndwhatdoImeanbyallthesetermsanyway?
Fortunately,theanswerstothosequestionsarewhatwe’lladdressnextasweunpackeachofthe“sides”inturn.Inthissection,we’lltackletimeandcommitment,andinparttwo,we’lldiscussemotionalandphysicalandintimacy.
TimeThisistheeasiestconcepttoexplain,butcanbethehardestonetoapply.Aswe’vealreadydiscussed,relationshipsneedtimetogrowinahealthyway.
Theproblemis,howmuchtime?
Howsoonbeforeyourfirstkiss?Howsoonbeforeyoucansharethatbigsecretwiththem?
There’sobviouslynoonerightanswerforthis.Itmightbeokforonepersontohavetheirfirstkissontheirfirstdate,whereassomeoneelsemightchoosetowaituntiltheirweddingdayfortheirfirstkiss.
Butifyou’recommittedtoaskingthequestionof“Arewegoingtoofast?”youwilloftenfindtherightanswerforyou.Justtrustyourgut.
Ortobemoredirect,ifyoufeelthatyoumightbegoingtoofast,youprobablyare.
Slowdown.
MyfriendScottunintentionallygavemesomeofthebestrelationshipadviceI’veeverreceived.Wewerebakingcookiesandhesaid“Ialwaysliketocheckthemafewminutesbeforethey’redone,justincase.Youcanalwayscookthemmore,butyoucanneveruncooksomething.”
Youcan’t“uncook”arelationship.
Butifyoutakethingsslow,it’seasytotakethebrakesoffoncealittletimehaspassedandyou’resurethatyou’rereadyforthatnextstep.
Soifyou’renotsure,slowdown.
It’soktojustenjoythestageoftherelationshipthatyou’rein.Youdon’thavetozoomtothenextlevelofintimacyrightaway.
CommitmentCommitmentisthesideoftherelationshipthatsignals“We’reinthisforthelonghaul.”
Formalrelationshipstagesareabigpartofcommitment.Becomingboyfriendandgirlfriend,becomingengaged,gettingmarried,etc.,areallstagesofcommitment.
Butsometimescommitmenttakesamoresubtleform.
Movingtoadifferentstatetobewiththepersonyou’redatingisabigcommitment.Signingupforcouple’scounselingisasignofcommitment.Soischoosingtoforgiveinsteadofwalkingoutwhenyou’vebeenhurt.
Takealookatallthewaysyouarecommittedtosomeone–notjustwhatyourFacebookrelationshipstatussays.
Also,makesurethatyourcommitmentgrowsinpacewitheverythingelse.Ifyou’restillintheearlystagesoftherelationshipwithsomeone,youshouldn’tbemakinglong-termcommitmentsbecauseyoudon’tyetknowifyou’regoingtobetogetherlong-term.
Andifyou’vebeenwithsomeoneforalongtime,somethingisprobablyamissifyou’renotwillingtomakeacommitmenttothemthatreflectsthelengthofyourrelationship.
Inotherwords,yourcommitmenttotheotherpersonshouldreflectthestageyourrelationshipiscurrentlyat.Ifyourcommitmenttothemiswaymoreorlessthanyourintimacyandsharedhistorywiththem,thensomethingisprobablywrong.
IntimacyFollowingmesofar?Sweet.
Next,we’llexplorethefinaltwosidesofthe“SlowandSteady”Square:emotionalandphysicalintimacy.
Intimacycanbehardertomeasurethancommitmentortime.Gaugingyourintimacylevelismuchtougherthancheckinghowlongyou’vebeendating,oryourcurrentstageofcommitment.Butintimacyissuperimportant,soI’vemadesurethatthenextsectionwillprepareyoutogrowintimacyinyourrelationshipinahealthyway.
...WinsTheirHeart
We’vediscussedtimeandcommitment–thefirsttwosidesofthe“SlowandSteady”Square.Now,let’sdigintophysicalandemotionalintimacy.
PhysicalIntimacyThere’snothingwrongorshamefulaboutphysicalintimacywithyourpartner–providedyougoaboutitintherightway.
Physicalintimacyfeelsgood,andifyou’reattractedtosomeoneit’snaturaltowanttogetphysicalwiththem.
Butphysicalintimacyisdesignedtobeanexpressionofemotionalintimacy.Doingsomethingphysicalwithoutanemotionalconnectionfeelsgoodinthemoment,butitultimatelyleadstofeelingsofemptinessandloneliness.
Plus,toomuchphysicalintimacytoosooncancheapentheemotionalintimacyofarelationship.Youwantyourfeelingsofloveandaffectiontowardsyourpartnertobebasedinwhotheyareandhowmuchyoucareaboutthem–notbasedinhowniceitfeelswhenyouarephysicalwiththem.Oneoftheeasiestwaysto“burntheturkey”whenitcomestorelationshipsistogetreallyphysical,reallyfast.
Sowhenisitoktostartbeingphysicalwithyourpartner?
Again,thisanswerwillvaryfordifferentcouples.Butthere’sathree-stepprocessyoucanfollowtofigureouttherightanswerforyou.
First,checkyourmotivesforwantingtogetphysical.Areyoumoreexcitedaboutthethoughtofallofthefunsensations,orareyoumoreexcitedaboutthethoughtofsharingaspecialkindofintimacywithyourpartner?Bebrutallyhonesthere.Ifyou’remoreexcitedaboutthephysicalsensations,wait.
Second,takestockofwhereyouareatcommitment-wise.Areyoustillintheveryearlystagesofcommitment?Thenyourlevelofphysicalintimacyshouldprobablybeverymild.Areyouinalaterstageoftherelationship?Thenyoucanthinkaboutintroducingadeeperlevelofphysicalintimacy.
Third,makeyourdecisionaboutreachinganewlevelofphysicalintimacywhenyou’recalm,happy,andnotwithyourpartner.11:30PMwhenyou’resnugglingonthecouchisnotagoodsettingformakingawisedecision.
Ifyou’recurious,myruleofthumbformyownrelationshipsisthatIneedtowaitoncuddlinguntilI’vestarteddatingthegirl,Ineedtowaitonkissinguntilwe’reboyfriendandgirlfriend,Ineedtowaitonintensekissing(i.e.,makingout)untilwe’vebeenboyfriendandgirlfriendforawhile,andIneedtowaitonsexuntilmarriage.
Theseboundariesmightbedifferentforyou,butpickboundariesandsticktothem.Andmakesureyouknowyourpartner’sboundaries,andsticktothose,too.
It’sfineifyouarereadyforsomethingatadifferentstagethanme,butmakesureyouareactuallyready.Ifyoujumpintophysicalintimacytoosoon,youcan’t“uncook”that.
EmotionalIntimacyEmotionalintimacyisboththeeasiestandthehardestrelationshipaspecttodescribe.
Howclosedoyoufeeltoyourpartner?Howmuchdoyoutrustthem?Howwelldoyouknowthem?
Theseareeasyquestionstounderstand,butareoftenhardtoanswer.Feelingsarenoteasilyquantified.
Thesolutionistospendthetimeyouneedgettingintouchwithyourfeelings.Relationshipskickupamaelstromofemotion–excitement,nervousness,jealousy,joy,allmingledtogether.Ittakestimeanddeliberateworktosortthroughthosefeelings.
Areyounervousbecausethisisyourfirstrelationshipandyoudon’twanttomessup,orareyounervousbecauseyou’resensingsomethingwrong?Areyouexcitedtobewiththispersonbecauseyoureallydofeelclosetothem,orbecauseyoujustlikehavingsomeonetohold?
Spendthetimeittakestosortthroughthesefeelings,inwhateverwayyouprocessemotionbest.Journalortalkwithafriendorgoforarun.Figureouthowyouarereallyfeelingaboutthepersonyouaredating.
Itmightnothappenovernight,buttheunderstandingwillcomeifyoukeeppursuingit.
Youstillmightnotbeabletoquantifyexactlyhowcloseyoufeel.Butifyouremotionalintimacyisatahealthyplace,you’llfeelagrowingsenseofpeaceandcontentedness—asensethateverythingisok,andyoucanrest.
Andifthingsareunhealthy,you’llfeelagrowingsenseofdisquietandconcern—andthat’sasignthatsomethingisnotright,andyoushouldfindoutwhat’swrong.
LivingYourLoveStoryCongratulations!You’venearlyfinishedthedatingguide.
Youhaven’tlearnedhowtomagicallycausepeopletofallinlovewithyou.NorhaveIgivenyoufoolproofpickuplines,secretcluesthatsomeoneisinterestedinyou,oranyoftheothersneakytricksthatfillmanydatingguides.
Whatyouhavelearnedishowtohaveanincrediblelovestory.
Becausehonestly,loveisnotabouttricks.Love,infact,isaboutfindingaplacewhereyoudon’tneedtricksorsuavemovesoranythingotherthanjustbeingyourself.
It’saboutbeingwithsomeonewholovesyouandacceptsyouasyouare–it’saboutbeingwith
someonewhosays“Iloveyouforwhoyouare,notforwhatyoucandoforme.”
Andsneakytrickswon’tgetyouthere.Youarriveatthatplacethroughcommitmentandknowledge–commitmenttoahealthyrelationship,andknowledgeofhowtogetthere.
IwrotetheguidetosharetheknowledgeI’velearnedwithyou.Younowknowhowtorecognizeahealthyandunhealthyrelationship,howtostartarelationshipinahealthyway,andhowtogrowyourrelationshipatahealthypace.
Thenextstepisuptoyou.
Iguaranteethatyouwillbeofferedshortcutsandcompromises.You’llbegiventheopportunitytosacrificethelong-termgoodofyourpartnerinexchangeforshort-termpleasure,andinthemomentitmightbereallytempting.
Butyouarestrongerthanthat.
Chooseinterdependenceoverselfishness.Choosetheslowandsteadyrushoverthe1000degreeburntturkey.Choosetoworkforarelationshipwhereyoucanhonestlysay“I’vedoneeverythingpossibletomakemybelovedreallyhappy,andIhelpedthemgrowintothepersontheyweremeanttobe.”
Willyoucommittohealthyrelationship?Ipromiseyouthatifyoudo,youmightneedtoworkharderatthebeginning.Butthesacrificewillbefaroutweighedbythelifetimeofjoyandincredibleintimacythatyouwillfindwaitingforyou.
Chapter10:HowtobeaGoodStoryteller
Peoplearewiredtorespondtostories.
There’sareasonwhysomanypeopleflocktothemoviesorspendhoursreadingnovels–it’sbecausewelovetogetlostinagoodstory.Andifyoueverlistentoagoodconversation,you’llnoticethatalotofconnectionhappenswhenpeoplesharestorieswitheachother.
Unfortunately,therearegoodwaysandbadwaystotellstories–andifyoutellstoriespoorly,you’llloseyouraudience’sinterest.Sohowdoyoutellagoodstoryduringconversations?
Well firstweneed todefine–whatmakesastoryagoodstory? I’dargue thedefinitionofagoodstoryisverysimple:
Agood storyholds the listeners’ interest, builds feelingsof connectionbetweennarratorandaudience,andprovidesasatisfyingconclusion
Inotherwords,thesearethethreeingredientstoagoodstory:
1)HoldingInterest
2)BuildingConnection
3)ProvidingaSatisfyingConclusion.
I’vegotlotsofadviceformasteringeachofthethreeingredients.Let’sdivein!
HoldTheirInterest
StartWithaHookHaveaPointtotheStoryChoosetheRightTimetoTellTheStoryShow;Don’tTellUseVividDetails,NotLotsofFactsPracticeRelatedSkills
BuildaConnection
TellPersonalStories,butCautiouslyShareFirsthandThoughts&Feelings
ProvideaSatisfyingConclusion
WhenYouGettotheEnd,StopDon’tForgettoPasstheSpotlightApplication&Practice
HoldingInterest
StartwithaHookInordertoholdyouraudience’sinterest,youhavetogettheirinterestinthefirstplace.That’swhyyoustartwiththehook.
Ahookisastatementthatcatchesyouraudience’sattentionandalsocluesthemintowhat’scomingupinthestory.Letmeillustratewithastorythatshowshowpowerfulhookscanbe(andyes,Ijustusedahookonyou!)
Yearsago,psychologistsrananexperiment.Theyaskedpeopletoreadthefollowingparagraphs:
“Theprocedureisactuallyquitesimple.Firstyouarrangethingsintodifferentgroups.Ofcourse,onepilemaybesufficientdependingonhowmuchthereistodo.Ifyouhavetogosomewhereelseduetolackoffacilitiesthatisthenextstep,otherwiseyouareprettywellset.Itisimportantnottooverdothings.Thatis,itisbettertodotoofewthingsatoncethantoomany.Intheshortrunthismaynotseemimportantbutcomplicationscaneasilyarise.Amistakecanbeexpensiveaswell.Atfirstthewholeprocedurewillseemcomplicated.
Soon,however,itwillbecomejustanotherfacetoflife.Itisdifficulttoforeseeanyendtothenecessityforthistaskintheimmediatefuture,butthenonenevercantell,Aftertheprocedureiscompletedonearrangesthematerialsintodifferentgroupsagain.Thentheycanbeputintotheirappropriateplaces.Eventuallytheywillbeusedoncemoreandthewholecyclewillthenhavetoberepeated.However,thatispartoflife.”
Ifyou’rescratchingyourheadafterreadingthisparagraph,you’renotalone–thestudyparticipantsthoughtitwasgoobleygook.
Orwell,mostofthemdid.Onegroupofparticipantswastold“You’reabouttoreadsomeinstructionsfordoinglaundry.”Forthoseparticipants,itwasasnaptofollowalongwiththeparagraphs(andindeed,ifyoure-readitnow,you’llprobablyunderstandwhatyou’rehearingmuchbetter.)
Whatdoesthishavetodowithstorytelling?Simple.Ifyoulaunchrightintoastorywithoutgivingsomecontext,thenpeoplewon’tknowwhattodowiththedetailsyou’regivingthem.It’skindoflikegivingsomeonedrivingdirectionsbeforetheyknowthestartingaddress.Butifyouhelpthemunderstandwhatyourstoryisaboutbeforeitbeings,theywillfollowalongwithnoproblem.
Soofferahook.Beginastorywithsomethinglike,“Thatremindsmeofmyworstdateever,”or“DidIevertellyouaboutthetimeIwentonadatewithaprofessionalwrestler?”Givepeopleasenseofwhatthestoryisaboutsotheydon’tgetlost.Thisisespeciallyimportant
forlongerstories–ifyourstoryisonlyafewsentenceslongahookmaynotbenecessary,butifyou’reaskingpeopletopayattentiontoyoufor30secondsormore,you’dbettergivethemahook.
Theotherbenefitofthehook–ifyouraudiencedoesn’t“bite”,thenyouknownottoborethemwiththestory.Ifyoushareahookandnobodyseemsinterested,youmaywanttoconsidertellinganabbreviatedversionofthestory,orsharingadifferentstoryinstead.
HaveaPointBeforeyoutellastory,askyourself“Whywouldmyaudiencewanttohearthisstory?”
Isitbecausethestoryisfunny?Exciting?Touching?Interesting?Whatemotionalresponseisyourstorylikelytoelicitfromyourlisteners?(Ifyoucan’tcomeupwithananswertothisquestion,thismightbeasignyoushouldfindabettertopicforyourstory!)
Thereasonyouaskthisquestionissothatyoucanchooseyourdetailscarefully,tomakesuretheysupportthisgoal.Ifyou’reatthegrocerystorepreparingtobakeacake,youdon’tloadyourshoppingcartwithfishandjalapeñosbecausethoseingredientsdon’thelpyoubakeacake.Similarly,youwanttopackyourstorywithonlydetailsthatsupportthegoalofthestory.
Inotherwords,ifyouaretellingafunnystory,gettothefunnystuffassoonaspossible–don’twastetimegivingboringdetails.Ifyouaretellingatouchingstory,yourgoalistotugonyouraudience’sheartstrings,sobemorecarefulwhenusinghumorousdetails.Ifyou’retryingtomakeanexcitingstory,thenyourgoalshouldbetobuildmomentumandsuspense,soyoushouldn’tincludedetailsthatsacrificemomentum.
Forexample:Let’ssayIwanttotellafunnystoryaboutanexperienceinMexico.Herearetwoversions–seewhichoneyoulikebetter.
Versionone:
“WhenIwasinMexico,Idecidedtogotoaclubwithsomefriends.Wefirstmetupatsomeone’shouse,andwespentsometimesittingaroundandtalking.Then,wewalkedtotheclub,butdecidedwewerehungry,sowestoppedonthewayataMexico7-11andboughtsomeCheetos.ExceptinMexico,theycallthem“Chetos”forsomereason.AfterweateourCheetos,wewentintotheclub.Itwasreallyloud,buteveryoneseemedliketheywerehavingfun.Wedancedforawhile,andthenInoticedthataguyinabearcostumecameontothedancefloor.Hestartedacongaline,andabunchofpeoplewentonthecongalineafterhim.TheycongaedrightoffthedancefloorandintoanotherroomandIneversawanyofthemagain.Tothisday,Iwonderifthebearcostumeguywassecretlyakidnapper,andheluredthegroupawaytoabductthem!”
Versiontwo:
“WhenIwasinMexico,Idecidedtogotoaclubwithsomefriends.Iwasdancing,andthenIlookedupandIsawaguyinabearcostume!Hestartedacongaline,andabunchofpeoplejoinedupandcongaedrightoffthedancefloorwithhim,intoanotherroom.Ineversawanyofthemagain,andtothisdayIwonderifthebearcostumeguywassecretlyakidnapperwholuredthedancersawaytoabductthem.”
Mostlikely,youlikedversiontwobetter.Why?Becauseitgottothepunchline–thedancingkidnapperbear–muchfaster!Allofthedetailsaboutmeetingatthefriend’shouse,theCheetos,etc.werealltrue–buttheywereirrelevant.
Thepointwastogettothepunchline,soanydetailsthatdidnotsupportthatpunchlineshouldberemoved.Inthefirststory,bythetimeIactuallygottothepunchline,youwereprobablyskimmingandwondering“What’sthepoint?”Sowhenthepunchlineactuallyarrived,youwerenotveryinvestedinmystory,andyoudidn’tfinditveryfunny.
Ifyoudothisright,yourconclusionwillfeelverysatisfyingtoyouraudiencebecauseeverythinginthestorywasbuildingtothatconclusion.Notonlydoyoumaintaintheirinterestasyou’retellingthestory,butyoualsocreatethepossibilityforareallypowerfulconclusion.
ChoosetheRightTimeAgreatstoryatthewrongtimeisaterriblestory.Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,trytellingafunnystoryinthemiddleofafuneral.
Howdoyouknowthatit’stherighttimetotellthestory?There’snoperfectrule(it’smoreofanartthanascience),buthereareafewthingstolookfor:
Don’tinterruptanotherperson’sstory.
Peoplewilloftenintroducetheirstorieswithashortstatementtogetyourinterest.Youaresupposedtoaskaquestioninresponsetothisopeningstatementtolaunchtheirstory.Youarenotsupposedtotellastoryofyourown.
Forinstance,ifyourfriendsays,“SotheotherdayIwenttothemovietheater,”heprobablywantsyoutoaskhimabouthistriptothemovietheater.Hedoesnotwantyoutojumpinandsay,“Ohyeah,Iwasjusttherelastweek!Isawthecoolestmovie;letmetellyouallaboutit…
Avoidinterruptingtheirstorybeforeitreachesthe“punchline.”
Ifitdoesn’tseemlikethestoryisfinished,waitbeforeyoujumpinwithastoryofyourown.Instead,askquestionstoshowinterestintheotherperson’sstory.
Makesureyourstoryfitsthemoodoftheconversation.
Ifpeoplearesharinglight,funnystories,andyoushareachillingghoststory,you’llbringdownthemood.Conversely,ifpeoplearesomberlydiscussingarecenttragedy,it’snotthetimetotellthestoryofyourzanyUncleBob.
Trytomakeyourstoryrelatetosomethingintheconversation.
Ifeveryoneistellingtravelstories,tellatravelstory.Ifeveryoneistellingfunnystories,sharesomethinghumorous.Theconnectiondoesn’tneedtobeverystrong,butotherpeopleshouldbeabletotellhowyourstoryisconnectedtothepreviousconversation.
Makesureyouraudiencehasthenecessarycontexttounderstandthestory.
IfItellastoryaboutmyfriendGregtoanaudiencethatknowsGreg,theywillprobablyappreciatethestory.ButiftheaudiencehasneverheardofGreg,thenImightwanttochooseanotherstorytotell(oratleast,makesureIbeginthestorybygivingalittlebackgroundonGreg.)
Observetherestofthegrouptoseewhenotherssharestories.
Observingothersisagreatoption,especiallyifyoufeelveryuncomfortableaboutsharing.Ifyouspendalittletimenoticingwhenothersharestories,youwilldevelopanintuitionforwhenit’sappropriatetoshareyourownstory.Don’tstayonthesidelinesforever,butit’sokaytowaitandobservesometimesifneeded.
Show;Don’tTell“Show;don’ttell”isthecardinalruleofwriting,andit’struefortellingstoriestoo.
Tellingiswhenyousaysomethinglike,“Andthen,hedidthefunniestdance–itwassohilarious.”It’stellingbecauseIcan’timaginewhatyou’redescribing,soyourwordsdon’tinspireanemotionalresponseinme.Youtoldmethedancewasfunny,butitdoesn’tfeelfunnytomeasthelistener.
Butifyousaysomethinglike,“Andthenhewavedhishandsabovehisheads,andgavetheseshort,stiffjumpslikehewaspopcornbeingpopped,”nowyou’reshowing–andthatmeansthatI’mmuchmorelikelytobeabletotapintothehumorofwhatyou’redescribing.Icanimaginethesceneinmyheadandthatimaginedsceneisalmostasfunnyasbeingthereinperson.
Inotherwords,showingiswhenyougivemeeverythingIneedtoimaginethescene.
Unfortunately,thiscreatesaproblem.Showingtakestime,andifyoushoweverylittlethingthathappensinyourstory,thestorywillquicklygetlong-winded.Sowhat’sthesolution?
Simple.Showonlythescenesordetailsthatmattertoyourstory.
Ifyouaretellingthestoryofhowyousurvivedasharkattack,youdon’tneedto“show”how
relaxingthewaterwasbeforethesharkattacked–butyouhadbettershowhowyoudramaticallyfoughtofftheshark!
Also,makesureyoudon’trepeatdetails.Ifyou’retellingthestoryabouthowyoutalkedwithasupercutegirl,it’snaturaltomentionhowgoodshelookedoverandover–butit’snotinterestingforyouraudience.Youraudiencewillbetemptedtotuneyououtunlessyoukeepservingtheminterestingnewdetails.
Thebottomline:shareadetailonce(twice,tops)andthenmoveontosomethingnew.Ifyourepeatdetails,you’lleasilystrayfromshowingintotelling.
UseVividDetails,NotLotsofFactsIfyou’reawitnesstalkingtothepolice,thenit’sgreatforyoutoofferfactsoneverythingthatyouremember.
Ifyou’retellingastory,notsomuch.Addingtoomanydetailsanddescriptionsisasurefirewaytoboreyouraudience.
However,youstillneedtoaddsomedetails(withoutdetailsHamletendsuplikethis)Sohowdoyouaddenoughdetailstokeepthestoryinteresting,withoutoverloadingyouraudience?Theansweristousevividdetails.Vividdetailsstandoutinyourlisteners’mindsandreallyhelpyouraudienceimaginethescene.
Whatmakesadetailvivid?Afewthings:
Vividdetailsaresurprising.
IfItellyouthatalawyerincourtiswearingasuit,that’snotsurprising–sincemostpeopleincourtwearsuits.However,ifsomeonegoestothebeachwearingasuit,nowthatdetailbecomesvividandinteresting.
Vividdetailsrelatetothestory.
IfI’mtellingyouastoryaboutspillingasodaonmydateinthemovietheater,Idon’treallyneedtogivedetailsaboutthemovieitself–sincethestoryisaboutmyembarrassingspill,notthemovie.
Vividdetailshelpthereaderimaginethescene.
Ifyoutellmethetrainwas“veryfast”Ican’treallyimaginethat.Ifyoutellme,“Thetrainwasgoingsofasteverythingoutsidewasablur,”nowyou’vegivenmesomethingtoimagine.
Vividdetailsareimportant.
IfI’mtellingastoryaboutmeetingthepresident,itdoesn’treallymatterwhatcolortiethepresidentwaswearing–sincetheimportantthingisthemeeting,notthetie!However,ifyoumetthepresidentandyouhappenedtobewearingtheexactsametieashimthatwouldperhapsbeanimportantdetail.
Also,remembertheearlierrule:makesureeverythingsupportsthe“point”ofthestory.Ifyourdetaildoesn’tsupportthepointofthestory,itprobablydoesn’tneedtobeincluded.
PracticeRelatedSkillsOfcourse,thebestwaytopracticestorytellingistotellstoriesinconversation.
Butthereareothergreatwaysthatyoucanbuildyourstorytellingskills.
Improvtheaterisagreatoption.Improvtheatercanhelpyouimproveallkindsofsocialskills,butit’sespeciallygreatforstorytellingbecauseitforcesyoutotrustyourinstinct,anditgivesyouagreatperceptionforwhatmakesagoodstory.Ifyouliveinamajorcity,thereisprobablyanimprovtheaterclassnearyou(andevenifyou’reinasmalltown,it’sworthchecking.)
Toastmastersisanothergoodoption.AlthoughToastmastersfocusesonpublicspeaking,notstorytelling,mostgoodspeecheshaveafewstoriesinthem.DoafewmonthsofToastmasters,andyou’llfeelmuchmorecomfortablehavinganaudience’sattention,andyourstorytellingskillswillsharpenaswell.
Finally,trywritingstories!Findsomewebsitesthatofferwritingprompts,andtrytowritethem.Agoodruleofthumbistotrytowrite“flashfiction”,whichisastorythathas500wordsorless.
Writingastoryin500wordsorlessisgreatpracticeforconversationalstorytelling,sincemostofyourstoriesthatyoutellinconversationwon’tbelongerthan500words.Althoughflashfictionhas“fiction”inthename,youdon’tneedtowritemade-upstories—it’sfinetopracticebywritingdownstoriesfromyourlife.
Gotwriter’sblock?Thisisagreatlistofflashfictionprompts,andyoucaneasilyGoogleformore.
Asyouwrite,don’tworrytoomuchaboutgoodwriting–worryaboutgoodstorytelling.(Youmayevenwanttogiveyourselfatimelimitforeachstorysoyoupracticetellingthestory,noteditingit.)There’snoneedtotryforsymbolismorfancywordplay–instead,justwriteastorythatpeoplewouldwanttoread.
BuildingConnections
TellPersonalStories,butCautiouslyThere’snothingwrongwithtellingastoryaboutcrazyUncleJimorthekindoldladywholivesdownthestreet.
Butwhenyoutellstoriesaboutotherpeople,thepotentialforconnectionislimited.It’sonlywhenyoutellapersonalstoryaboutyourownlifethatyoucreatethegreatestopportunitytoconnectwithothers.
Sotellstoriesaboutyourownlife!Theydon’thavetobedramaticormonumental.Youraudiencemightenjoyhearingaboutthegamesyouplayedwithyourchildhoodfriends,orthedramateamyouwereonincollege,orthenewballetclassesyoujuststartedtaking.IfyourstoryisaboutsomethingthatisimportanttoYOU,there’sadecentchanceitwillbeinterestingtoyouraudience.Plus,storiesfromyourlifeallowyouraudiencetolearnsomethingnewaboutyou,whichbuildsconnection.
Also,youhavemanymorememoriestodrawonwhenyoutellastoryfromyourlife.Ifyou’retellingasecondhandstoryyouheardfromsomeoneelse,youprobablydon’tremembermanydetails,anditwillbemuchhardertomakethestoryinteresting.Butifyourstoryisaboutsomethingthathappenedtoyou,thenyoucandrawfromyourmemorybankstofillthestorywithrichnessandinterestingdetail.
Thatbeingsaid,youneedtobecarefulabouthowmuchyoushare.Connectionneedstobuildovertime.Ifyoujumprighttoaveryintimatestorybeforeconnectionhashadthetimetobuild,itcanmakeyouraudienceuncomfortable.
Forinstance,let’ssayyourecentlyhadafamilymemberpassawayfromcancerandyouwentthroughaperiodofdepression.Ifyousharethestoryoftheirillnessandyourdepressionwithacasualacquaintance,theymightfeeluncomfortablebecauseyou’vesharedsomethingverypersonalwithsomeoneyoudidn’tknowverywell.Conversely,itwouldbefinetosharethatstorywithagroupofclosefriendsbecausetheydoknowyouwell.
Ofcourse,youdon’thavetowaituntilsomeoneisyourbestfriendbeforesharingpersonalstorieswiththem.Butbeextracarefulwithpeopleyoudon’tknowaswell.
Startbysharingasemi-personalstoryandseehowtheyreact.Iftheyreactpositively,thendowntheroadyoucouldsharestoriesthataremorepersonal.Iftheybecomeuncomfortable,thenyoucanavoidsharingpersonalstorieswiththatperson(atleastuntilyougettoknowthembetter.)
ShareFirsthandThoughtsandFeelingsWhenyoutellastoryaboutsomethingthathappenedtoyou,don’tjustsaywhathappened.Talkabouthowyoufeltandwhatyouwerethinking.
Inotherwords,don’tlimityourstorytofactsthatanoutsideobserverwouldhavenoticed.Instead,giveyouraudienceawindowinsideyourheadbysharingyourthoughtsandfeelings.Thiswillhelpyouraudiencetoexperiencethestoryasyoudid,buildingconnection.
Here’sanexample.
Bad:
“IstoodupinfrontoftheclasstogiveapresentationontheWarof1812.Ihadn’tpreparedatallforthepresentation,andIdidn’tknowanythingabouttheWarof1812.Justthen,theschoolpranksterpulledthefirealarmandweallleftclass.”
Good:
“IstoodupinfrontoftheclasstogiveapresentationontheWarof1812.IwasincrediblynervousbecauseIhadn’tpreparedatallforthepresentation.IrememberfeelingsoqueasyIwonderedifIwouldthrowup–andthenIrememberthinking,“Itwouldbebettertothrowupthentofailthispresentation!”IrackedmybrainforanythingIknewabouttheWarof1812,whenIheardthefirealarmring.ThisfeelingofabsoluteblisswelledupinsidemeasIlefttheclass,andIrememberhavingthebiggestsmileonmyfacefortherestoftheday.”
Bothstoriesareaboutthesameevents,butonestoryisratherbland,whereastheotherstoryletsyougettoknowthenarratoralittlebit.Whenyoutellyourstories,giveyouraudienceawindowinsideyourhead,andthey’llfeelmoreconnectedtoyou.
ASatisfyingConclusion
StopWhenyouReachtheEndTheeasiestwaytotellabadstoryistotellagoodstory,andthenkeepgoingafteryoushouldhavestopped.
Onceyourstoryreachestheclimax–thepunchlineofafunnystory,thecreativesolutioninastoryaboutsolvingaproblem,themomentofgreatestemotionalimpactinatouchingstory–youshouldtrytobringittoanendingasquicklyaspossible.Inotherwords,whenyoureachtheend,stop!
Obviously,youdon’tneedtoendthestoryabruptlyassoonasyousaytheclimax–it’sokaytohavealittleresolution.Butyournaturaltemptationifyou’vetoldagoodstoryistokeeptalking,becauseeveryonewillbepayingattentiontoyouandattentionfeelsgood.Resistthattemptation.
Whenthestoryisdone,stoptalking.Don’tgiveminordetails,orsummarizethestory.Andforgoodnesssake,don’tlaunchimmediatelyintoanotherstory–givesomeoneelsethefloor.
Good:
“…Andwhenhegotbackfromthehospital,hefoundthattheentireofficehadcometogethertoraisemoneytopayforhistreatment.”
Bad:
“…Andwhenhegotbackfromthehospital,hefoundthattheentireofficehadcometogethertoraisemoneytopayforhistreatment.Itwassuchatouchingandheartwarmingmoment.Theofficereallysupportedhiminthatmoment,andhefeltlikeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.Imean,canyoubelievehowgeneroustheofficewastopayforhistreatment?”
ReallyBad:
“…Andwhenhegotbackfromthehospital,hefoundthattheentireofficehadcometogethertoraisemoneytopayforhistreatment.Itwassuchatouchingandheartwarmingmoment.Theofficereallysupportedhiminthatmoment,andhefeltlikeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.Imean,canyoubelievehowgeneroustheofficewastopayforhistreatment?Andbytheway,thatremindsmeofanotherstory…”
Insomecases,yourstorymightnothaveaclimax.Perhapsyou’retellingastoryaboutwhatyoudidonyourvacationtoEurope,andwhileyouhavemanyinterestingmemoriestoshare,there’snotasinglememorythatworksasthe“climax.”
Inthatcase,justwrapupyourstoryinadeliberateway.Thatwillsignaltoeveryonethatyouaredonespeaking.Forinstance,youmightconcludeastoryaboutyourEuropeanvacationby
saying.“Gosh,it’soverwhelminghowmanymemorieswehavefromthattrip.Eventhoughweenjoyedit,I’mdefinitelyhappytobehomeandsleepinginmyownbedagain.”
Youraudienceisnotexpectingyourwrap-uptobebrilliantorcompelling.Aslongasyourstoryfinishesinadeliberatewayinsteadofjusttrailingoff,youshouldbefine.
PasstheSpotlightOkay,you’vejusttoldyourstory,anditwentgreat.Youraudiencewasinterestedthewholetime,andyougavethemagreatconclusion.Timetotellanotherstory,right?
Wrong.
Storytellingworksbestwheneveryonegetsaturn.Groupsgetaparticularkindofenergywhengreatstorytellingishappening–eachpersonbuildsoffthepersonbeforethem,andthestoryItoldinspiresthestoryyouareabouttotell.It’sagreatexperiencethatismuchhardertoachievewhenjustonepersonistellingthestories.
Sobegracious.Passtheattentiontosomeoneelse.Thismightbesubtle–justpausingforafewsecondstoletsomeoneelsejumpin.Orthismightbemoredirect–perhapsyouaskthegroup,“Doesanyoneelsehaveanychildhoodstoriestoshare?”
Youmighteveninvitesomeonedirectlytoshareastory.Forinstance:“Jose,didn’tyougotoDisneylandlastweek?Wanttosharesomestoriesfromthattrip?”
Invitingsomeonedirectlyisespeciallyusefulformakingothersfeelincluded,andforhelpingshyermembersofthegroupgetachancetoshare.
Ofcourse,you’renotlimitedtoonestoryperconversation.Justletoneortwootherssharebeforeyoutellanotherstory.Therestofthegroupwillappreciatetheopportunitytoshare,andthegroupconversationwillbemoresatisfyingforeveryone.
ApplicationandPracticeIfyouwanttobeagoodstorytellerinconversation,youneedtoholdyouraudience’sinterest,provideyouraudiencewithasatisfyingconclusion,andlookforopportunitiestoconnectwithyouraudience.
Youalsoneedtopractice.Thebestplacetostartpracticingisbywritingstoriesdown.Thatway,youcanpracticeinprivate,andyoucanalsoreadthroughyourstoriesafterwardstocritiqueyourself.(Youcanalsorecordyourselfspeakingandlistentotherecordings.)
Whenpracticingastory,don’tworryaboutgettingitperfect.Eachstoryshouldonlytakeyou1-3minutestotell,soavoidspendingatonoftimeoneachstory.Andsinceyou’repracticingyourstorytellingtechnique,notyourwritingtechnique,don’tworryaboutthingslikespellingor
wordchoice.
Thesearesomeideastogetyoustarted.Doyourbesttowriteastoryforeachoftheseexperiences.Onceyou’vewrittenabouteachoneoftheseideas,trytocomeupwithyourownideasforstoriesyoucantell!
Tellastoryabout…
Achildhoodmemory
Learninganewskill
Atimeyoufeltreallyhappy
Afunnymistakeyoumade
Yourfirstdayatanewjob
Discoveringanewhobby
Atimewhenyouwerereallyproudofyourself
Onceyou’vepracticedwritingstoriesdownandyoufeelconfident,it’stimetopracticetellingstoriesinconversation.Wheninconversation,lookforanopportunitytosharearelevantstory.Tostartwith,trytoshareshort(30secondsorless)stories.Asyouhavesuccesswithshorterstories,trylongerstories.
Ofcourse,thisrequiresconsistency.Ifyoupracticestorytellingonceamonth,you’reunlikelytogetbetter.Sobedeliberatetobuildinseveralopportunitiestopracticeeachweek.
Overtime,you’llfindyourstorytellingskillgetsbetterandbetter.Keeppracticing,andyou’llbeastorytellingexpertbeforeyouknowit!
Chapter11:BestBlogPostsBetterEveryDay
Somyworkjustunveiledanewslogan:“BetterEveryDay.”
Normally,companyslogansareprettybland.Butthere’sapowerfulideahere.
Greatnessdoesn’thappenovernight.Mostthingsworthdoingtakepersistenceandhardwork.
Butoften,welookforaquickfixandfastresults.Whenweputinsomeeffortanddon’tseeimmediateimprovement,it’seasytogiveuporsay,“I’lltakeabreakandcomebacklater.”
Or,welookattheendgoalcomparedtowherewearenow,andthedistancebetweenthemjustseemsunmanageable.Wethink,“I’llneverbeabletogettherefromhere,”sowenevereventry.
Buthere’sthething.
Ifyou’re1%bettereveryday,youare38timesbettereveryyear.
And1%bettereverydayisdoable.Itmeanshavingoneconversationthatyoumighthaveshiedawayfrom,oracceptingonesocialinvitationyoumighthavedeclined.Itmeansspendingtenminutesreadingthroughasocialskillsguideinsteadofahumorsite.Itmeansdecidingtoaskafriendorfamilymemberforhelp,orpickupthephoneandschedulethatcounselingappointment.
Committobeingbettereveryday.
Youwon’tseeimprovementimmediately,butitwillcome.Andwhenitdoes,itwillbeexceptional.
Howcanyoubebettertoday?
Giveit100
Socialskillsarelikeanyotherskill—ifyoupractice,yougetbetter.
Butinordertopractice,youhavetostart,andyouhavetokeepgoing.Andbothofthosethingsareveryhard.It’sreallyeasytowaittostartuntilyou’retotally“ready”(whichwillbenever),orburnyourselfoutbypursuinganewgoalinanunsustainableway.
Soinstead,Iwanttoshowyouabetterway.
There’sawebsitecalledGiveit100.Thebasicideaisthatyoupracticesomethingfor100daysinarow,andyoufilma10secondclipofyoudoingiteverydaysoyoucanseehowyouimprove.Youcanalsoseewhatotherusersaredoing,whichissometimesincredibleandsometimesadorable.
Unfortunately,socialskillsdon’treallylendthemselveswellto10secondclips(infact,agreatsocialskillstip:don’trandomlystartfilmingthepeopleyou’retalkingto.)SoinsteadIwanttogiveyouadifferent“Giveit100″challenge.Areyouready?Hereitis:
Dosomethingthatpracticesyoursocialskillsfortenminutes,tendaysinarow.
Forinstance,youcould
Spendtenminutesreadingaguidetosocialskills
SpendtenminuteswatchingTVwiththevolumeofftoanalyzebodylanguage
Spendtenminutesresearchingtherapists—andthenbookinganappointmentwhenyoufindone!
Spendtenminutestalkingtosomeoneyouotherwisewouldn’thave.
Attheendoftendays,you’llhavespent100minutesimprovingyoursocialskills.Thisdoesn’tsoundlikealot,butit’saboutmomentum.
Iguaranteethatifyou“giveit100″youwillseeanimprovementinyoursocialskillsandyourconfidence–evenifit’sverysmall(whichisok,becauseeverygoodthingstartssmall.)
Onceyouseethatimprovement,itwillbemucheasierforyoutokeepimproving,anddoanother100,andthenanother100—untilyoulookbackandyoufindthatyourfirst100minutesofimprovementhasbecome100hours.
Sotosummarize:
Committospending10minutesoverthenext10daystopracticeyoursocialskills.Ifpossible,starttoday—oratthelatest,tomorrow.
Onceyou’ve“givenit100″,noticetheimprovement(evenifit’ssmall!)inyoursocialskillsandconfidence
Then,keepgoing!Giveitanother100,ormaybeanother1000!
Andcomebackandpostyourstoryonthewebsitetoencourageothers.
FightBack
Lifeisreallyhardsometimes.
Therearetimeswhenalloftheencouragementintheworlddoesn’tseemtohelp,timeswhenitfeelsliketheonlyemotionsavailablearerageorgriefornumbness,timeswhenstartinganotherdayfeelslikegettingintheringwithMohammedAli.
Maybethat’syourstorytoday.
Maybethat’sbeenyourstoryforalongtime.
Ifthat’syou,Iwantyoutoknowthatitwillgetbetter.Youwillnotalwayssuffer.Youwillfindhealingandyouwillfindpeoplewhowillloveyouverymuchandyouwillhavemomentswhenlifewillbesogoodthatyourheartwillfeellikedancingrightoutofyourchest.Youarenotamistake.Youarenotalostcause.Itisgoodthatyouarealiveandonedayyouwillbelievethat.
ButIalsowanttorecognizethatthingsmightnotgetbetterrightaway.AndIknowthatwhenpeopletellme,“Thiswillbebettersomeday,butyoujustneedtowait,”Idon’tfindtheirwordsveryhelpful.
SoIwanttogiveyoumorethanjustwaiting.
Iwanttogiveyouthechancetofightback.
Intheoldendays,peoplewrotelegendsofbattleswithmonsters–dragonsandhydrasandsphinxes.Todaywestillhavemonsters;theyjusthavenameslikedepressionandlonelinessandaddiction.Maybeyouarelockedinyourownhardfightwithoneofthesemonsters,andmaybethatfightisgoingtotakesometimetowin.
Butyourownfightwillhelpyoufightforothers.
ViktorFrankl,asurvivorofNaziconcentrationcamps,said,“Insomewayssufferingceasestobesufferingatthemomentitfindsameaning,suchasthemeaningofasacrifice.”Hefoundthatpeoplewhofixatedonescapingthecampstendedtofallillanddiemoreeasily.
Butthepeoplewhocreatedameaningforthemselvesinthecamp–throughtendingtootherprisoners,creatingart,orsimplymaintainingtheirdignityinthefaceofincrediblesuffering–weremorelikelytosurviveandevenfindmomentsofjoy.Franklsaid,“Thosewhohavea‘why’tolivecanbearalmostany‘how.’”
Ifyou’veforgottenyour‘why’,Iwantyoutofindit.Iwantyoutorememberthatyoumatterverymuch,anditisverygoodthatyouarealiveandthatyourlifehasmeaning.
AndIwantyoutoknowthatyoursufferingcanhavemeaning,ifyouletit.
Forme,mysufferingtaughtmehowtoloveotherpeoplebetter.Mychildhoodofsocial
rejectiontaughtmetoreachouttoothersontheoutskirts–andeventuallytowriteasocialskillsguidethathelpsreadersfindcommunity.Foroneofmyfriends,survivingabuseledherintoacareerwhereshecouldhelpprotectothers.Anotherfriendfillsherwritingwiththehealingwisdomthatshelearnedfromherpain.
Foryou,maybeyoursufferingwillequipyoutoreachouttootherswhoaresufferinginasimilarway.Maybeyouwillcreateartormusicorwritingthatisbeautifulandlife-giving,becauseyoursufferinghastaughtyouhowtotouchthedeepplacesinaperson’ssoul.Maybesomeonewillstayalivebecauseyoucansitwiththemandsay,“Iknowwhatyou’regoingthrough.”
HenriNouwenoncewrote,“Thegreatillusionofleadershipistothinkthatmancanbeledoutofthedesertbysomeonewhohasneverbeenthere.”
Maybetodayyouareinadesert,anditfeelslikethesandwillneverend.Youdon’tdeservethat,andIdon’tknowwhysometimesittakessolongforthingstogetbetter.
ButIdoknowthatevenifyoucan’tleaveyourdesertyet,youcanbeanoasistosomeoneintheirowndesert.Iknowthatyourwordsandyourloveandyourpresencehavethepotentialtohealandtobringjoytoothers.AndIhopethatwhenyouseeyourpowertobringlightintothelifeofothers,somelightwillenteryourlifetoo.
I’mnotsayingthatyoushouldtakecareofothersinsteadoftakingcareofyourself.ButIamsayingthatyoursufferingisnotmeaningless,justasyourlifeisnotmeaningless.Yoursufferingwillteachyoutolovebetter,tocreateartthatistruerandmorebeautiful,tobeanagentofhealingandlightforpeoplewhoaredesperateforboth.
Forwandererslostinathirstydesert,youwillprovidereliefandencouragement.
Forwearywarriorslockedinbattlewithafiercemonster,youwillbeastalwartcomrade-in-arms.
Andasyoufightforothers,youwillfindthatyouareworthfightingfor,too.
TakeCareofYourselfandOthers
Wouldyouclimbamountainwithabackpackfullofrocks?
Youwouldprobablystopandremovetherocksfirst—evenifthismeansyoudon’tstartyourclimbrightaway.Or,ifyoucouldn’tremovetherocks,youwouldstillunderstandthatyoudon’tneedtoclimbasfastassomeonewhoisn’tweigheddown.
Forsomereason,wedon’tapplythissamelogictoself-improvement.
Wemightbeweigheddownbysocialanxiety,orpasttrauma,oranemptybankaccount,orproblemswithphysicalormentalhealth,orbyaschedulethatisjampackedwithcommitments—therocksthatwecarrycanlookverydifferent.
Butourresponsetothemisunfortunatelyverysimilar.Eitherwetrytoignorethemandpushourselvestowardsincrediblyambitiousgoals(andthenpaythecostinburnoutandshamewhenourburdensblockusfromthosegoals),orwegiveupandsay,“Ican’teventrytoclimbthismountain—myrocksaretooheavy.”
I’dliketoproposeadifferentway.
Insteadofsurrenderingtoourburdensortryingtoignorethem,let’strytotakecareofourselves.
Maybethatmeansspendingmoretimedoingthethingsthatyoulove,evenifitfeelslikeawasteoftime.
Maybethatmeansreachingouttoacounselororafriendandlettingthemknowyou’restruggling.
Maybethatmeanssaying,“No,”tosomethingsinyourlife.
Maybeitjustmeansgivingyourselfpermissiontonotbeokallthetime.
Don’tgetmewrong—I’mallaboutself-improvement.Butsometimesyouneedtotakecareofyourselfbeforeyoucanimproveyourself.
Somychallengeforyouissimple.Figureouthowyoucouldtakethefirststeptowardsremovingsomerocks—oratleasttowardsacceptingyourself,rocksandall—andthengodoit.
TheCaseforSmallTalk
Lotsofpeopletellme,“Ihatesmalltalk.”
Andintruth,smalltalkcanbetiresomesometimes.Whenyou’rediscussingatopicyoudon’tcareabout,it’snaturaltogetbored.
Smalltalkcanbedoublyfrustratingwhenyou’vecravingdeepinteractions.Afteryou’veexperiencedtrueheart-to-heartconversation,howcanyougobacktodiscussingtheweather?
It’sunderstandabletofeellikesmalltalkisawasteoftime–the“busywork”ofsocialinteraction.
Understandable–butwrong.
Smalltalkhashugepotentialtohelpyouconnectwithothers.Let’slookatthethreereasonswhy:
1)SmallTalkPreparesYouforConnection
Justlikestretchinghelpsprepareyourmusclesforexercise,smalltalkhelpspreparepeopleforintimacy.
Whenyoumakesmalltalkwithsomeone,yougivethemtheopportunitytogetusedtoyouandtosettleintotheconversation.
Moreover,peopleexpectdeeperconversationstobeprecededbysmalltalk.Evenifyouarecomfortableskippingstraighttothe“meat”oftheconversation,itwillthrowothersforaloop.It’skindoflikeshakinghandswhenyoumeetsomeone–ifyoudon’tdoitwhentheyexpectit,itcomesacrossasweird.
2)SmallTalkCommunicatesInterest.
Withsmalltalk,whatyoucommunicateismoreimportantthanwhatyousay.
Ifyousaysomethinginsignificantlike,“Whatdoyouthinkoftheweather?”youarecommunicatingthatyouwanttohearmythoughts.Whenyoucrackalamejoke,youarecommunicatingthatyouwanttomakemelaugh.Allofthesethingscommunicatethatyoulikemeandyouwanttogettoknowmebetter.
Thisisimportantbecauseitpavesthewayfordeeperinteraction.Deeperinteractioninvolvesrisk.IfIsharemypersonalbeliefswithyou,Iriskyoustartinganargumentwithme.IfIshareapersonalstruggle,Iriskyourespondingwithcruelcallousness.SoIneedtoknowit’ssafebeforeIgodeeper.
Whenyoucommunicateinterest,youcommunicatesafety.Youcommunicate,“Icareaboutwhatyouhavetosay,andI’mopentoyousharingit.”Obviously,thisisn’taperfectguarantee–sometimespeoplewillbeverypleasantinsmalltalkandstillrespondpoorlywhentheconversationgoesdeeper.Butingeneral,whenyoushowinterestduringsmalltalk,youhelppeoplefeelcomfortablegoingdeeperwithyou.
3)SmallTalkEstablishesCommonGround
Smalltalkletsyoudiscoverwhatyouhaveincommon.
Youcanfindthetopicsthatgetbothofyouexcited,thepartsofyourstoriesthatyou’reeagertoshare.Thiswillnaturallyleadtheconversationintopathsthataremoreintimateandmeaningful.
Notonlydoesthisgiveyoufuelformoreconversation,butitalsohelpsyouformbondswiththeotherperson.Whenyoudiscovercommonground,youstarttoimaginelifethroughtheotherperson’seyes.AsDonaldMillersays,smalltalkletsusask,“Whatdowehaveincommon,soIcanunderstandyouthroughthelensofmyownexperience?”
Whiledeepheart-to-heartconversationsareveryintimate,smalltalkcanbeintimatetoo.Heartfeltfriendshipswillbegintoformevenbeforethefirstdeepconversation–becausesmalltalkallowedthefriendstodiscoverhowmuchtheyresonatewitheachother.
TheValueofSmallTalkIfsmalltalkfeelslikebusywork,you’remissingthebigpicture.
Insteadoftreatingsmalltalklikeachoreyouhavetogetthrough,makesmalltalkanopportunitytomakeaconnection.Whenyoubeginsmalltalk,askyourself:
HowcanIhelptheotherpersonfeelcomfortable?
HowcanIcommunicateinterestandfriendliness?
HowcanIdiscovercommonground?
Letthesequestionsguideyou,andyou’llfindbigvalueinsmalltalk.
3HobbiesthatTeachSocialSkills
Socialskillsimprovewithpractice.Themoretimeyouspendinteractingwithothers,thebetteryoubecomeatsocialinteraction.(Makessense,right?)
Unfortunately,findingtheopportunitytopracticecanbedifficult.Ifyouwanttobeabetterrunner,youcanlaceonyourshoesandrunaroundtheblock,butifyouwanttogetbetteratsocialskills,wheredoyougotopractice?
That’swhatthisarticleisallabout.Sittight,andI’lltellyouthreeofmyfavoritehobbiesthathelpedmeimprovemysocialskills–andthatcanhelpyou,too!
1)ImprovTheater
Inimprov,everythingismadeuponthespot.Noscript,noplanningaheadoftime.Youjustgooutandmakeascenefromnothing.Thescenesareoftenhilarious,sometimespoignant,andalwaysentertaining.
AsI’venotedelsewhere,improvisalotlikesocialinteraction.Andthesameprinciplesthatequipyoutofeelconfidentstridingonstageandmakingascenefromnothingwillalsohelpyoutohaveconfidenceandcompetenceinsocialsituations.
And,justlikesocialinteraction,improvisforeveryone.Youdon’thavetobenaturallyfunnyortheatrical.Improvworksbasedonafewsimpleprinciples(likeacceptingandbuildingonwhatyourpartnerbringstothescene),andanyimprovclasswillteachyoutoapplythoseprincipleslikeapro.
Inanimprovclass,youstartbydoinglotsoffungamesandexercisesthathelpyoubecomecomfortablewithusingyourimaginationandthinkingonyourfeet,andthenyoustartmakingsomesceneswithotherstudents.It’ssuperfun,andyouwilloftenmakegoodfriendswiththeotherstudents.
Improvhastaughtmetohavemoreconfidence,thinkonmyfeet,andbecomfortablewhenI’mpushedoutsidemycomfortzone.Takeamomentandsearchforimprovtheaterclassesinyourarea–thensignup!You’llbehappyyoudid.
2)PartnerDancing
Partnerdancingisagreatwaytomeetpeopleandbecomemorecomfortableinyourownskin.
I’mnottalkingaboutchoreographeddancing(althoughthatcanbefuntoo!)Instead,I’mreferringtodanceslikesalsa,swing,orballroom,whereyou’repairedupwithsomeoneandyoumakeupthedanceasyougoalong.
Muchlikeimprov,anyonecanlearnpartnerdancing.Therearetonsofbeginnersclassesdesignedforpeoplewithnoexperience,anditdoesn’ttakelongtogetthebasicsdown.Andonceyouhaveafewclassesunderyourbelt,you’llfindthatyoumovewithmoregraceand
confidenceinyoureverydaylife,whichwillhelpyoumakepositivefirstimpressions.
Plus,dancingallowsyoutomeetnewpeople.Manycitieshavesocialdancingevents,wherepeoplegotomeetotherstodancewith.Youmightdancewithadozenpeopleduringthecourseofthenight,whichmeansyougetadozenopportunitiestopracticeconversation,gettoknowsomeoneelse,andmakeanewfriend!
Bottomline:Dancingisagreatskill,it’salotoffun,anditwillhelpyousocially.Giveitatry!
3)ToastmastersPublicSpeaking
Toastmastersisapublicspeakingclubthatisactiveinover100countries.Itisaphenomenalwaytoovercomesocialanxiety,getbetteratpublicspeaking,andlearnhowtocommunicateclearlyandeffectively.IdidToastmastersandlovedit–youcanseemegivingaToastmastersspeechhere.
Youdon’tneedspeakingexperiencetojoinToastmasters–mostpeoplewhojoinhavenevergivenaspeechbefore.
Toastmastersclubsusuallymeetonceaweekandfollowasimpleformat.Everyonegetsthechancetospeakforaboutaminuteateverymeeting,bygivinganimpromptuanswertoaninterestingquestion(e.g.,“Whatwouldyoudoifyouwerepresident?”)Then,2-3peoplewillgiveapreparedspeech,aboutatopicthattheychose.Afterthat,someonewillofferconstructive,positivefeedbacktothepeoplewhogaveaspeech.
Toastmastersworkswondersonyoursocialskillsbecauseitgivesyouconsistentopportunitiestopracticeandtogetgoodfeedback.Insteadofpracticingblindly,you’llgetexpertadvicefrompeoplewhowanttohelpyousucceed.Andyou’llhavetheopportunitytopracticeeveryweek,soyouwillimprovequickly.ThereisprobablyaToastmastersclubnearyou,socheckthemout!
SocialSkillsHobbies
Thereyouhaveit–threehobbiesthatimproveyoursocialskills.
Allthreeofthesehobbieshavehelpedmeinmyownlife,andIstronglyencourageyoutogivethematry.
Arethereanyhobbiesthathavehelpedyouinyoursocialskillsjourney?Sharethemonthewebsite!
HowtobeMoreSocial
Ifyou’vecometoImproveYourSocialSkills,it’sprobablybecauseyouwanttobemoresocial.Youdon’tstudysocialskillssoyoucansitinyourroomalone–youstudythemsoyoucangooutandbesocial!
Buthowdoyouactuallymakethathappen?Andwhatdoes“beingsocial”evenmean,anyway?
Well,thefirststepistospendsometimebuildingupyoursocialskills.Ifyoutrytobesocialandthenrunintotroublebecauseyoursocialskillsneedwork,you’regoingtogetdiscouragedanditwillbehardertobesocialinthefuture.
Butlet’ssayyou’vealreadyputinthetimetostudyandpracticeyoursocialskills,andyoufeelconfident.You’vestudiedhowtomakeconversation,andyou’vebrusheduponyourbodylanguage.Youmaynotbeperfect,butyou’rereadytoputyoursocialskillstouse.
Ifthat’syou,thenbecomingmoresocialiseasy.Here’showyoudoit:
ManyRoadsToSocialSuccessFirst,realizethatthereisnoonerightwaytobesocial.
“Beingsocial”foryouwilllookdifferentthanitdoesforothers,andthat’sok.
IhaveafriendwhoplaysinadifferentDungeonsandDragonsgamealmosteverynight.Hededicatesthemajorityofhissocialtimetothesegames,butit’sasociallifethatworksforhim.Hegetstospendhourswithhisfriends,doinganactivityheenjoys.
Ihaveanotherfriendwhogoesoutdancing3-4timesperweek.Mostofhersocialtimeisdedicatedtomeetingnewpeopleonthedancefloor,andthat’sthesociallifethatworksforher.
Iprefertobouncebetweenalotofdifferentsocialactivities–mysocialcalendarisalwaysdifferentweektoweek.That’sthesociallifethatworksforme.
FindYourSocialRhythmBynow,you’verealizedmypoint.
“Beingsocial”doesn’tmeanthatyouhavetohitthebarscene,orgotoparties.
“Beingsocial”meansthatyoudiscoverwhatarich,fulfillingsociallifelookslikeforyou,andthenlivethatout.
Ifyouneedalongtimetorestbetweensocialengagements,beingsocialmightmeanonesocialeventperweek.Ifyouthriveoninteraction,beingsocialmightmeananeweventeachday.
Ifyoualreadyhaveasolidgroupoffriends,beingsocialmightmeanthatyouspendmostofyourtimewiththem.Or,itmightmeanthatyousplityourtimebetweenyouroldfriendsandopportunitiestomeetnewfriends.
Inanycase,itneedstobesomethingthatworksforYOU.
Your“BeSocial”BlueprintOfcourse,youmightnotknowwhatarich,fulfillingsociallifelookslikeforyou.Andthat’sok.
Likemanyotherareasoflife,beingsocialtakestimetofigureout.Butthere’saneasytwo-stepprocessthatcanhelpyouthroughit.Icallit“Ponder&GoYonder.”
First,ponderyoursocialgoalsandyourprevioussocialexperiences.
Thinkthroughwhathasworkedforyouinthepast,andwhathasbeenflawedinthepastthatyouwouldliketoimproveforthefuture.Thegoalisnottofigurethingsoutcompletely,buttodiscoverafewpossibilitiesforareaswhereyoucangrowyoursociallife.
Second,goyonder.
BythisImeantrysomethingthatisnewbutachievable.Theword“yonder”referstosomethingthatisdistantbutwithinview.Tryforthatbalanceof“distantbutwithinview”whenponderingnewwaystobemoresocial.
Inotherwords,explorenewsocialopportunitiesthatmaybeabitchallengingorscary(i.e.,“distant”)butmakesuretheyarestillachievable(i.e.,“withinview.”)
GrowingTowardsSocialSuccess“Ponder&GoYonder”isarepeatingprocess.
You’llspendsometimethinking,whichwillgiveyouanideaforsomethingnewforyoutotry.Thatnewexperiencewillgiveyoumorefuelforthought,andyourthinkingwillinturnleadtonewexperiences.
Thecyclekeepsrepeating,andeverytimeitdoes,yougrowalittleclosertoafullunderstandingofwhat“beingsocial”lookslikeforyou.
Sothere’snorush.Justcommittoaslowandsteadycyclingof“Ponder&GoYonder”andyougrowsteadilyclosertotherich,fulfillingsociallifeyoudesire.
MakingGreatFirstImpressionswiththeNameGame
Peoplelikehearingtheirnames.Whenyouusesomeone’sname,ithelpsthemtofeelcomfortable,andrememberingtheirnamemakesitmucheasierforyoutostrikeupaconversationlateron.
Unfortunately,ifyouwanttousesomeone’sname,youneedtorememberit,andrememberingnamesishard.Fortunately,rememberingnamesismucheasierwithonesimpletrick.
Icallit“Playingthenamegame.”
Toplaythenamegame,followthesethreerules.
Rule1:GettheirnameASAPWhenyoufirstmeetsomeone,gettheirnamewithinthefirstfewminutesoftheconversation.Youcaneitheraskforitdirectly,orjustintroduceyourself.Mostfolkswillgiveyoutheirnamewhenyougivethemyours.Onceyougettheirname,repeatitimmediately.Iftheysay“MynameisBob”say“It’sgreattomeetyou,Bob”not“It’sgreattomeetyou.”Theearlyrepetitionensuresthatthenamemakesitintoyourshorttermmemory.
Rule2:MaketheirnamememorableNow,it’stimetomovethenameintoyourlong-termmemory.Todothat,combinethenamewithamemorableadjective.Amemorableadjectiveiseitheranadjectivethatstartswiththesameletterasthename,orthatrhymeswiththename.Forinstance,“CoolCarl”or“DantheMan.”
Ideally,thisadjectiveshouldbesomewhatrelatedtotheperson(“BobfromBoston”isgreatifBobisactuallyfromBoston),butitdoesn’thavetobe.Anycombinationthateitherrhymesorstartswiththesameletterwilldo.Repeatthiscombinationtoyourselfafewtimestomakesureitfixesinyourmemory(butmakesureyoudon’tsayitoutloud–MustacheMikemightnotappreciatethetitleyou’vegivenhim)
Rule3:LocktheirnameinyourmemoryThen,cementthename/adjectivecombinationinyourmemorybyrepeatingitmentallyafewtimesduringtheconversation.Thisisexactlyassimpleasitsounds–justthinktoyourself,“ThatisCoolCarl,”afewtimesduringtheconversation.Youdon’thavetokeepupaconstantrepetitioninyourhead–justremindyourselfwheneveryouthinkofit.
Whenyoufollowthesethreerules,you’llfindrememberingnamesaremucheasier.Getting
theirnameimmediatelyallowsyoutofocusontheirnamebeforetheconversationtakesoffanddemandsmoreofyourattention,andrepeatingamemorablename/adjectivecombinationwillcementtheirnameinyourmindforthelongterm.
Also,onebonusrule:Ifyouforgettheirname,justmakesureyouaskagainneartheendoftheconversation.Ifindthatonceyou’vehadthechancetogettoknowsomeoneinaconversation,rememberingtheirnameismucheasier(becauseyouhavesomememoriestopinthenameto.)Soifplayingthenamegameatthebeginningoftheconversationdoesn’tworkforyou,justplayitattheend.Chancesare,theyforgotyournametoo,sothey’llappreciatethechancetoaskagain.
Inanycase,rememberingnameswillstilltakework,andyouwon’tremembereveryname.ButplaythenamegameandIguaranteethatyouhavemuchgreatersuccessrememberingnames.
Andofcourse,whenyouhavegreatersuccessrememberingnames,youhavegreatersuccessmakingagreatfirstimpressionandthenmakinggreatfriends(whichiswhatsocialskillsarefor!)
HowtoMakeEyeContact
Makinggoodeyecontactistough.
Givetoomucheyecontact,andyoucomeacrossastoointense(atbest)orastaringcreeper(atworst).
Givetoolittleeyecontact,andtheotherpersonmightthinkyoudon’tcareaboutwhattheyhavetosay.
Plus,whenyou’reworryingaboutmakinggoodeyecontact,therestoftheinteractionsuffers.Insteadofenjoyingagreatconversation,you’restressingabouteyecontact.
That’snotgoodforanyone.
TheSecretofGreatEyeContactFortunately,there’sasimpletrickthatwillhelpyoumastergreateyecontact.
Justmatchyoureyecontactwithyourpartner’s.
Iftheylookatyou,lookatthem.Iftheylookaway,lookaway.
Easy,right?
Here’swhyitworks.There’snosuchthingas“perfect”eyecontact.Yourgoalistomakeyourpartnerfeelcomfortablewithyou,whichmeansallyouneedtodoisavoidgivingtoomucheyecontactornotenough.
Differentpeoplefeelcomfortablewithdifferentlevelsofeyecontact.Butalmosteverybodywillinitiatetheamountofeyecontactthattheyfeelcomfortablewith.Thatmeansthatifyougivethemthesameamountofeyecontactthattheygiveyou,they’llprobablyfeelcomfortable.
Lookatyourpartnerwhentheylookatyou(andlookawaywhentheydon’t),andyou’llbesquarelyinsidethelevelofeyecontacttheyfeelcomfortablewith.Itreallyisthateasy.
MasteringGoodEyeContactOfcourse,thereareafewdetailstotakecareof.
Youdon’twanttomirroryourpartnerexactly,orthey’llquicklyrealizeyou’recopyingthem.It’soktoinstantlymatchtheireyecontactonoccasion,butingeneral,youshouldwaitafewsecondsbeforecopyingthem.Waitaboutonesecondbeforelookingatthem,andabouttwoorthreesecondsbeforelookingaway.
Thosenumbersarejustroughguidelines,ofcourse.Feelfreetoexperimenttofindwhatfeels
naturalforyou.Theimportantthingisthatyouavoidmovinglikeamirrorimageofyourpartner.Theexacttimingofyourpausesislessimportant.
Also,beawarethateyecontactruleschangesomewhatwhenyou’rehavinganemotionalconversation.It’ssometimeseasiertodiscussemotionalissueswhenyou’renotlookingatsomeone,sowhenpeoplearesharingsomethingverypersonaloremotional,theywillsometimeslookawayfromthepersontheyarespeakingto.
Ifthathappens,youstillneedtolookatthemtoshowthatyoucare.Ifyourgazewanders,thatcommunicatesthatyoudon’treallycareaboutwhatthey’resaying,whichisbadatanytimebutespeciallyhurtfulwhenthey’resharingsomethingemotional.
EyeContactRhythmAsyoustarttopracticematchingyourpartner’seyecontact,you’llstarttodevelopasenseofhowmucheyecontactfeels“natural.”Eventually,youwon’tevenneedtoconsciouslythinkaboutmatchingtheireyecontact–itwilljusthappenautomatically.
Ifyouwanttospeedthatprocess,there’saneasywaytogetabettersenseofthe“rhythm”ofeyecontact.Justwatchsomemoviesandpayattentiontotheeyecontactgivenbetweenthecharacters.Thatwillhelpyouseewhatkindofeyecontactmatchinglooksnatural.
Bearinmindthatdifferentsettingsleadtodifferentkindsofeyecontact.Twoflirtingloversmightmatcheyecontactshiftsinstantlyandhavemoreprolongedeyecontact,whereastwoacquaintancesmighttakeseveralsecondstomatcheachotherandlookawayoften.
Also,whenyouanalyzethemovieinteractionsyoumightnoticethatcharacterswillnotmatcheachother100%–sometimesonecharacterwilllookatanothereventhoughtheothercharacterisstilllookingaway.Thisistotallyok.
Allyouneedisasimilarlevelofeyecontact.There’snoneedtomatchtheireyecontactperfectly.Ifonoccasionyoufeellikelookingatthemeventhoughthey’renotlookingatyou,oryoufeellikelookingawaybeforetheydo,that’sfine.
Theimportantthingisthatyouare“ingeneral”matchingwhattheydo.Aslongasyou’reinthesameballparkasthem,thenyoureyecontactwillbefine.Whenyou’restartingout,you’llwanttomatchtheireyecontactverycloselytomakesurethatyoustayinthesafezone.
Butasyougainmoreexperience,you’llgetabettersenseofwhateyecontactlevelfeelsnatural.Thatwillletyouadjustyoureyecontacttowhatfeelscomfortableforbothyouandthem,notjustthem.
Theendresultisthatyouwon’thavetothinkabouteyecontactatall–you’lljustdotheeyecontactthatfeelsnaturalforbothyouandyourpartner.
Takeabitoftimetolearnthesegoodeyecontacttechniques,andyou’llfindyourselfrichlyrewardedwithmorecomfortableandenjoyableconversationsforbothyouandyourpartners.
ToSummarize:Whenyourpartnerlooksatyou,lookatthem.Whentheylookaway,lookaway
Pauseforafewsecondsbeforematchingyourpartner’seyecontact
Asyoudevelopmoreexperience,youwon’tneedtomatchyourpartner’seyecontactasexactlybecauseyoucanrelyonyourinstincts.
That’sallthereistoit!
Ofcourse,there’slotsofotherwaystomasterhowyourbodycommunicates.Ifyouwanttocontinuebuildingyoursocialskills,checkoutmysectiononbodylanguage.
OvercomingAnxiety:OneSimpleRule
Fearoftenkeepsusfromthethingswewant.
Maybewewanttogotalktothatguy,oraskthatgirlout,orgotothatparty.Butwe’reafraid.
Whatifhedoesn’twanttotalktome?
Whatifshesaysno?
WhatifIfeelawkwardattheparty?
Inthemoment,thesefearscanseemreallybig.Andwhenourfearsarebig,weplayitsafe,whichmeansweavoidthethingswereallywanttodo.
Fortunately,there’sonesimpleruleyoucanusetogiveyourselfcourage.
10-10-10It’scalledthe10-10-10rule,anditwasdevelopedbySuzyWelch,abusinesswriter.Inanutshell,the10-10-10ruleasksyoutoimaginethelikelyoutcomesofadecision…
10minutesinthefuture
10monthsinthefuture
10yearsinthefuture
It’sdevelopedforbusinessdecisions(whatwillhappenin10minutes/10months/10yearsifwe
launchthisnewproduct?)butit’sreallyusefulforsocialsituationstoo.
10-10-10forSocialSituationsWhathappenswhenyouapplythe10-10-10ruletosocialsituations?
Well,let’ssayyou’reatapartyandyouwanttostrikeupaconversationwithsomeone.Whatarethebestandworstthingsthatmightreasonablyhappen?Well….
In10minutes,bestcaseyouwillbehavingagreatconversation,worstcasetheconversationwillflopandyou’llfeelawkward.
In10months,bestcaseyouarestillfriendswiththepersonyoutalkedto,worstcaseyouhaveadimmemoryofanawkwardconversation
In10years,bestcaseyouareSTILLfriendswiththepersonyoutalkedto,andthereisnoworstcase–you’renotgoingtorememberanawkwardconversationfromapartyten
yearsago.
Long-TermCourageWhenyoulookatitthisway,thepathisclear.Youshouldstarttheconversation,becausethepotentialupside(anewfriend!)ismuchgreaterthanthepotentialdownside(10minutesofawkwardness.)
Andyou’llfindthisistrueinmanysocialsituationswhereyoufeelanxiousorscared.Whenyouusethe10-10-10ruletogiveyourselfalong-termperspective,it’smucheasiertoovercomefearandmakethebestdecision.
Ortoputitanotherway–it’shardtobeafraidof10minutesofawkwardnesswhenyou’rethinkingaboutthenext10yearsofyourlife.
Sotryitout!
Nexttimeyouareafraidoftakingtheinitiativeinasocialsituation,justaskyourself,“IfIdothis,whatisthebestandworstthingthatmightreasonablyhappenin10minutes,10months,and10years?”Thisonlytakesamoment,butitwillgiveyouacleardirectionandtheconfidencetopushpastfear.
20SecondsofInsaneCourage
Growthisscary.
Butgrowthhappensonestepatatime
Andonelittlebabystep,whilestillscary,isdoable.
InthemovieWeBoughtaZoo,MattDamon’scharactersaysthatsometimesallyouneedis“20secondsofinsanecourage.”
And20secondsofcourage,whilescary,isdoable.
20Life-ChangingSecondsIdon’tknowwhat20secondsofcouragelookslikeforyou.
Butyoudo.
Maybeit’ssaying“Yes!”tothatinvitation.Maybeit’sschedulingthatfirstappointmentwithacounselor.
Itmightevenlookliketaking20secondstospeaktruthtoyourself,andencourageyourselfnottogiveup.
Regardlessofwhatitlookslike,Iknowyouhave20secondsofinsanecourageinyou.Youhavethecouragetotakethatnextsmallsteptowardsgrowth–eventhoughit’sscary.
Somusterupyourcourage.Takeadeepbreath.
Andbeinsanely,crazy-go-nutsbravefor20seconds.
TheCourageousLifeWhenyoudo,you’llrealizetwothings.
First,that20secondsofinsanebravery,whilescary,isdoable–andit’ssomethingthatyoucandoagain.
Andsecondthat,doneoftenenough,20secondsofbraveryaddsuptoalifetimeofcourage.
Becourageous,myfriends.
AbouttheAuthor
I'mDan,andIlikepeople.
Afewthingsaboutme:
•IspokeatTEDxaboutovercomingAsperger's&findingcommunity(checkitoutathttp://bit.ly/tedxdan).I'dlovetospeakatyourevent,too.
•Imoderatethecommunityatreddit.com/r/socialskills
•I'mconstantlyupdatingImproveYourSocialSkills.com,andIencourageyouto
checkoutthelatestcontentandtellmewhatyouthink.
Youcancontactmeatdan@improveyoursocialskills.comoratdanielwendler.com