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Love is not the only way to make love
Reconsidering our assumptions about how to promote peace, love, and understanding
Professor Joseph Ciarrochi
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Friends
Friends of Friends
Friends of Friends of Friends
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Five “Opposites”
Compassion
Letting go of the self
Collectivism
Walk a mile in another's shoes
Science
Aggression
Building the self
Individualism
Walk a mile in your own shoes
Faith
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COMPASSION
AGGRESSION
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Defensive counterattacks against those who would harm you
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Defense and
conquest of territory
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The downsides of being agreeable
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Walk a mile in another's shoes
walk a mile in your own shoes
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Does perspective taking promote “moral” behavior (Batson, et al., PSPB, 2003)?
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Empathy can be a source of injustice (Batson, et al., 1995)
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Empathy avoidance (Shaw et al., 1994)
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COLLECTIVISM
INDIVIDUALISM
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Collective individualism
Give yourself to groups that provide fun, connection, and positive influence in the world
If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.
Deliberately expose yourself to radically different contexts
Relentlessly remind yourself about what you value
Watch out for people or groups that ask you to sacrifice your values for the “greater good”.
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LETTING GO OF THE SELF
BUILDING THE SELF
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Self-esteem is not very important
Self-esteem is
important
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Five ways to build flexible self-concepts
1) Learn to watch self-concepts as they come and go (self-as process). The GPS metaphor. Self-concepts are a sometimes useful guidance system, and we don’t always have to listen to it.
2) Help people experience mastery (Grade goals to increase the likelihood of success)
3) Model (“If they can do it, I can do it”)
4) Persuade. Direct encouragement, cheerleading
5) Be mindful of feelings. Help clients experience feelings like distress or insecurity as normal and passing events, rather than as proof they can’t do something
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SCIENCE
FAITH
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Is faith the enemy of progress?
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