Transcript
Page 1: Modern Family - Sex Ed

MODERN FAMILY

"SEX ED"

byRyan Budds

WGAw #1281256

Page 2: Modern Family - Sex Ed

ACT ONE

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - DAY

CLAIRE is folding laundry on the couch quickly. She finishes a batch and holds up a stopwatch, smiling at the camera.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIREHouse work can be tedious, so I like to make games out of it.

INT. HALEY’S BEDROOM - DAY

Claire is shooting balled-up pairs of socks from a laundry basket on the bed to an open drawer. She sinks a few.

CLAIREWoo! Two, a new record.

She goes to pick up the loose pairs of socks and then finds a pair of jeans on the floor.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)(to herself)

Come on Haley! I just did laundry.

She feels through the pockets and finds a pamphlet. On birthcontrol. With sections highlighted.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIRE (CONT’D)I did everything there is to do around the house. And then I found this. So I’ve got nothing else to do, except sit here, and think about it.

INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN - DAY

Claire stares at it a bit longer, then gets up and opens a full can of soda and pours it on the clean floor. She begins mopping it sadly, with much less enthusiasm than before.

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

Claire is putting dinner on the table.

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CLAIREEverybody! Come and eat!

PHIL enters.

PHILClaire-Bear, I’m home.

CLAIREGood. Finally. Listen--

Phil cuts her off with a big hug.

PHILLong day! Sold nothing. No gains, no losses. Unless you count the no gains as losses. Because then I lost big time.

He goes to kiss her neck. HALEY walks in, Claire pushes Phil away swiftly. Haley stares at them grossed out and then leaves.

PHIL (CONT’D)What was that?

CLAIRENo PDA. Not in front of the kids.

PHILI just went for a quick peck.

CLAIRENo pecks.

PHILWhat about a n--

CLAIRENo nuzzles. Save it. Listen, I found something today.

Phil’s face darkens.

PHILWas it a tape or a disc?

CLAIREWhat?

PHILI’m not hiding anything on either format. That’s what.

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CLAIREI found a birth control brochure in a pair of Haley’s jeans.

PHILHaley? Birth control? She’s like twelve.

CLAIREShe’s eighteen Phil. You’re thinking of Alex.

PHILI know! Gosh. You think she’s having sex?

CLAIREI don’t know. Yes. Maybe? She’s at that age. And she’s been seeing that new guy, Darryl? They’ve been dating for a few months now. That’s longer than the time it took for us to...do it.

PHILIt would have been sooner, too, if your dad hadn’t scared me with his gun collection.

CLAIREThose were Civil War replicas.

PHILIt was the way he was cleaning them. He never looked at the guns. Just me.

CLAIRELook we need to address this. What are we going to do?

PHILI’ve got this. Let old dad introduce the topic at dinner.

CLAIREIn front of Alex and Luke?

PHILThey won’t know what we’re talking about. What are they five and...

CLAIREStop. We need a better plan.

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PHILLeave it to me. I’ll think of something.

CLAIREJust try and be cool about it, okay? Be cool, don’t be Phil.

PHILThere’s a difference?

CLAIREBig difference.

INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN TABLE - EVENING

The whole family is sitting down to dinner. ALEX and LUKE swat at each other over a roll. Haley texts with one hand and eats with the other.

PHIL(to Haley)

So Haley, who are you texting over there? Your new fella?

HALEYYep. And about six other people. And I’m retweeting some stuff.

PHILAh! Tweeting. Birds tweet. Birds tweet and sometimes they...hang out with bees. Have you heard about the birds and the bees?

He smiles at his creativity. Claire rubs her eyes.

HALEYWhat bees? Like bumblebees?

LUKEI like honey bees. But they don’t sting. Hornets are where it’s at.

ALEXHornets aren’t bees, stupid.

LUKEMom, Alex is killing my imagination again.

CLAIREAlex don’t kill your brother.

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Phil has taken his phone out and is checking something.

PHIL(to Haley)

Why can’t I see your tweets?

HALEYI just blocked you.

Claire pokes Phil’s arm.

CLAIRE(whispering)

This is not going well, cool dad.

PHIL AND CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIREIt’s hard to talk about. And it’s hard to learn about. My mom gave me the talk and it ended with “Claire, men like a girl who can drink.”

PHILOne of the first times I met Claire, I sat on her at a party. I thought she was part of the couch.

CLAIREThanks mom.

INT. JAY’S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

JAY is watching TV. GLORIA comes home from shopping.

GLORIAHello mi amor.

JAYHey Glo-worm.

GLORIAWorm? That must make you the bird. Because in Columbia, we have a saying, ‘the early bird’...

JAY‘Catches the worm?’

GLORIAOh. Yeah. He can catch it, too.

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JAYI’m a lucky guy.

GLORIAWhere is Manny? I bought him some new slippers. They’re velvet, it’s his favorite fabric on the feet.

JAYHe got home from school and went straight to his room. He’s been up there for hours.

GLORIAJay you should do something with him.

JAYWhat do you want me to do? The kid doesn’t play catch. He writes memoirs. He’s thirteen, what’s he reminiscing about?

GLORIAYoung love. Talk to him! He shouldn’t spend so much time alone. He is starting to go through the changes you know.

JAYThe changes. Psh, the kid changes colognes every week!

GLORIAHe needs you. I’m his mother. He don’t wish to talk to me about pooberty. You are a man, like he will become!

JAYDon’t they do this in school? What are we paying for?

GLORIAToo impersonal! It’s embarrassing to ask questions in front of everybody. And my Manny is sure to have a lot of questions.

JAYLet’s buy the kid a Magic 8 Ball. My treat.

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GLORIAJay!

JAYYou know I tried this with Mitchell. It didn’t take.

GLORIAYou be there for him. Or I won’t be there for you next time you have questions about sex.

JAY INTERVIEW

JAYI locked Mitchell in his room with a stack of Playboys. All he did was proofread the articles and draw outfits on the naked girls. Very stylish outfits.

(thinking)They were pretty good.

INT. CAMERON AND MITCHELL’S KITCHEN - EVENING

CAMERON is on the phone in full-body adult-sized pajamas complete with footies while MITCHELL feeds LILY.

CAMERON(to the phone)

Yes. Yes. Yes! Of course we can. Definitely, we’ll be there. Thanks, bye bye!

MITCHELLWho was that? And I thought we agreed to stop wearing pajamas at six pm.

CAMERONMitchell you know Lily and I nap. These are my nap clothes. Nevermind. Guess who that was?

MITCHELLI did guess, I said Pajama Police.

CAMERONNo. It was a callback. Lily’s callback. Lily’s first callback!

Cam screams high pitched and excitedly. Mitchell cringes.

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MITCHELLCallback? How did she audition to begin with?

CAMERONI saw a flyer at Starbucks and emailed a head shot, okay?

MITCHELLLily has head shots? When did Lily get head shots?

CAMERONWhen one of her dad’s pointed a camera at her head and shot it!

Cameron holds up a black and white 8x10 of Lily looking cute in three different poses and outfits.

MITCHELLCome on Cam, she’s a barely out of the toddler stage. Are we going to go through this again?

Cameron sweeps up to the table and scoops up Lily.

CAMERONMitchell, look at this face. We can’t deny these eyes from the masses that might line up one day to see her play Meryl Streep in a... Meryl Streep biopic!

MITCHELLCouldn’t think of a name?

CAMERONI’d need more time to do it justice. I have a list somewhere.

MITCHELLWhat’s the audition for?

CAMERONChildren’s Shakespeare in the park. It’s simplified! It’s at night! It’s mystical!

MITCHELLIt’s crazy.

(to Lily)Lily, do you want to be in a play?

Lily nods her head.

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MITCHELL (CONT’D)Do you know what a play is?

She nods again.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)What do you think a play is?

LILYIce cream! Daddy says play equals ice cream.

Cam looks guilty.

MITCHELLWorking on definitions, are we?

CAMERONOh come on! We’ve got to get down to the park in twenty minutes.

MITCHELLFine. I’ll dress Lily.

CAMERONNo! I’ve got it. You...go brush something.

He messes up Mitchell’s hair with both hands.

MITCHELL AND CAMERON INTERVIEW

MITCHELLCameron doesn’t always like the way I dress Lily.

CAMERONHe dressed her in a yellow dress with a black beanie the other day. She looked like a banana.

MITCHELLIt was cute!

CAMERONFor a dog, on Halloween.

MITCHELLYou’re being overdramatic.

CAMERONOne day, our daughter will win an Oscar for being overdramatic.

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(MORE)

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And we’ll be able to trace it all back to this first all-star performance!

Cam gleams. Mitchell sighs.

END OF ACT ONE

10.

CAMERON (CONT'D)

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ACT TWO

INT. HALEY’S BEDROOM - EVENING

Haley is on her laptop. Claire comes in with two bowls of ice cream.

CLAIRETwo scoops, chocolate sauce, no nuts.

HALEYThanks.

CLAIREListen, Haley, dinner was a little weird.

HALEYA little?

CLAIREOkay a lot weird. Your dad and I are just worried that you might be--how do I say this? I found something today and--

Suddenly, frequent tapping is heard hitting Haley’s window.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)What is that?

HALEYWhere is it coming from?

They go over to the window and find DARRYL on the front lawn with a hand full of pebbles. He throws one at Claire without looking.

CLAIREOw!

DARRYLOh my gosh, sorry!

HALEYDARRYL! What are you doing here?

DARRYLI was dreaming of you and I wanted to make my dreams a reality.

Haley is entranced. Claire is baffled.

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HALEYAw.

CLAIREReally? That line?

(holding head)Great, I think I’m bleeding.

INT. MANNY’S BEDROOM - EVENING

Jay is checking on Manny, as per Gloria’s suggestion.

JAY(through door)

Knock knock kid!

MANNYWho is it?

JAYYou’ve got two guesses. Do I sound Columbian?

MANNYCome in.

Jay enters.

JAYWhat are you doing all cooped up in here?

MANNYNothing. You wouldn’t understand.

JAYOh I’d understand alright. I raised two cooky kids, there’s nothing I don’t understand.

MANNYIt’s about my body.

JAYOh boy.

MANNYAnd girls.

JAYHere we go.

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MANNYHow can I get girls to want my body?

JAYGeez, Manny you’re getting a little ahead of yourself here. You’re not Don Juan. You’re a kid.

MANNYI may be a kid but I still have urges.

JAYWell that’s normal. I had urges at your age.

MANNYYou did?

JAYYeah everybody does! It’s part of life. Puberty isn’t easy. But you’ll get through it.

MANNYAlright. But I have a question.

JAYShoot.

MANNYOkay.

Manny pulls out a legal pad full of questions.

MANNY (CONT’D)(reading)

Where and what is a G-Spot, and are there F and H spots?

Jay stares blankly, astonished.

EXT. PARK - EVENING

Cam, Mitchell, and Lily are walking down a pathway trying to find the audition area.

MITCHELLWhere is this place?

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CAMERONMaybe if you’d let me finish sweet talking the cop on the horse, Lily would have a leading role by now.

MITCHELLHe didn’t want to see your magic trick. Besides, you can’t steal strangers’ noses, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.

CAMERONHe enjoyed it. He had a big nose and I have big hands, this looked just like his nose.

Cameron holds his thumb up, clenched between his other fingers.

MITCHELLRight. Look, maybe we should go back and try and find a directory or something--

Suddenly they stumble into an area in front of a small stage packed with parents and children rehearsing.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)That’s a lot of people.

CAMERONMaybe we’ll stand out.

MITCHELLLike sore thumbs.

Cameron goes to steal Mitchell’s nose.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)No.

Cameron stops.

INT. DUNPHY HALLWAY - EVENING

Haley’s door is almost completely shut. Claire and Phil stand outside of it.

CLAIREI want you to go in there and fix this!

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PHILI tried! You tried! Maybe we should leave it be.

CLAIRELeave our daughter who is very interested in birth control all of a sudden alone with her hip, older boyfriend in a bedroom all alone with the door shut?

PHILIt’s open a crack. They’re probably playing a board game or something. Risk or Trouble. Or Operation.

CLAIREThree words that can all come up in a single conversation if we let them stay up here with the door closed.

PHIL(slowly calculating)

...Trouble, Operation. Got it.What if I talk to Darryl? Would that help?

CLAIREYes. You do that.

PHILAlright. Should I call him or maybe throw him a text?

CLAIREIn person. He’s ten feet away.

PHILGood idea, I don’t know if he has free incoming.

INT. HALEY’S BEDROOM - EVENING

Phil swings open the door to Haley’s room, Haley and Darryl are staring into each other’s eyes.

HALEYDad!

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PHILWhoa, sorry kids. Just seeing if you wanted to, um, your mother and I--Darryl! Your mom’s on the phone.

DARRYLMy mom?

PHILYep.

HALEYI didn’t hear the phone ring.

PHILShe called my phone. Darryl, come grab it, I’m blowing up!

DARRYLBe right back babe.

HALEYHurry up. Dad, when did you get Darryl’s mom’s number?

PHILWas it church? I think it was church. They were doing a phone-tree...thing. Be back soon!

INT. DUNPHY HALLWAY - EVENING

PHILHey Darryl.

DARRYLCan I talk to my mom?

PHILI think the call was dropped. Or my cell phone’s not on. Either way, what’s up? How is everything with the D-man?

DARRYLOh. Uh, pretty good.

PHILAwesome! Very cool. Listen, I actually wanted to talk to you about some stuff. Just some stuff about being safe.

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And when to use and when not to use certain items when you’re doing certain things.

DARRYLMr. Dunphy, I get what this is.

PHILYou do? Because that would make this so much easier. And if you could just tell Mrs. Dunphy that I talked to you, maybe we can get her to sign off on the whole idea and--

DARRYLYou think I’m into doing drugs.

PHILWhat?

DARRYLI get it. I’ll admit that sometimes I have that glazed over look in my eye. Or I might seem like I’m not all there.

PHILAre you kidding? No. What?

DARRYLWell it’s cool Mr. Dunphy. Because I’m straight edge. No drinking and no drugs.

PHILReally? Whew.

DARRYLAnd no sex.

PHILGah. Even better! Go straight edge. Stay straight. And edgy. Now get back in there and have some good clean fun.

Darryl puts his hand on Phil’s shoulder.

DARRYLI’m glad we had this talk.

PHIL INTERVIEW

17.

PHIL (CONT'D)

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PHILI looked up straight edge on urban dictionary.com. It said it’s either someone that refrains from all social activities involving risk and possible self injury or it’s a type of shank made from a plastic prison spork. So here’s hoping Darryl knows what he’s talking about and hasn’t served any time.

END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE

EXT. PARK BENCH - EVENING

Cam and Mitchell sit down next to another white couple with an Asian child.

CAMERONAre these seats taken?

MOTHERNo go right ahead!

CAMERON(noticing their daughter)

And who is this little cutie?

DADThat would be Isabel.

MITCHELLOh! We almost went with that for her. This is Lily.

MOMDarling. Did you two...

CAMERONAdopt? Yep! You?

MOMYes.

CAMERONOh well we are just two peas in a pod then aren’t we?

MOMYeah, we had such a struggle getting little Izzy here. Such a struggle.

MITCHELLReally?

DADYeah she was starving in Cambodia. We went over on a mission trip to build houses for a small tribe with our church and we just couldn’t believe when we found her.

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MITCHELLOh wow.

CAMERONHave you two ever been to NAM?

MITCHELLSweet lord, no.

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Cam gets a little crazy when it comes to how we got Lily. The backstory changes depending on the couple. God, what am I going to do with two actors under one roof?

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Mitchell hides his face while Cam goes on.

CAMERONAnd as we crawled through the brush, covered in dirt and rain and mud--

MITCHELL(under his breath)

Dirt and rain make mud.

CAMERONIt was raining. Pouring. We swept open the branches of this garden labyrinth we were trapped in and there she was. Cradled in the earth, then in our arms.

MOTHEROh my.

CAMERONHer original family’s village burning to the ground was the last thing we saw as we climbed back on the chopper.

CAM INTERVIEW

CAMERON (CONT’D)I’ve taken a lot of improv classes.

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INT. JAY’S KITCHEN - EVENING

Jay walks in on Gloria washing vegetables in the sink.

GLORIAThere you are! Did you talk to him?

JAYYes.

GLORIAYou told him everything?

JAYI can’t tell him everything! I know limits. And I’ve met mine for the day.

Gloria starts to speak at a rapid rate while Jay turns on the TV and ignores her. The phone rings. It’s Claire.

JAY (CONT’D)Hello?

INTERCUT JAY AND CLAIRE ON THE PHONE.

CLAIREDad it’s Claire. What are you up to?

JAYOh just listening to my wife swear at me in a few different languages. What is it?

CLAIREListen, Phil and I are trying to approach the kids about sex. Do you remember how you talked to us about it?

JAYWhat is this?

(to Gloria)Did you plan this?

GLORIAI plan nothing.

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JAY(to Claire)

I’ve got enough going on over here with Manny the man-boy and now I’ve got to add my grandkids to the mix? This is too much.

CLAIREManny’s asking questions about sex?

JAYHe’s like Alex Trebeck without the note cards.

CLAIREWell that’s perfect! Bring him over here to our house and we can educate the kids all at the same time.

JAYIf I don’t have to face them one on one I think it could work.

CLAIREAlright dad, see you in an hour.

Jay hangs up. Manny enters.

MANNYJay, one more question. It’s about hair.

JAYLet’s go. We’re going now. Grab your coats.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIREDo I think sex ed should be taught in schools? Yes. Do I think it should be taught in the home? Not traditionally. Home schooling always came off as a thing that the weird kids did.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHILI was homeschooled until fourth grade. Detention was under the stairs in my grandparent’s basement.

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I had to bang erasers, too, but there was no chalkboard. I don’t know why they had erasers.

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Phil is finishing putting cards on an easel. Claire gets the two families settled.

CLAIREOkay, kids, we’re all here tonight to have a little educational family fun. We’re going to do some trivia here in a second and it all has to do with something you all eventually need to learn about and that’s--

MANNYSex!

Claire is speechless.

JAYDon’t look at me, Gloria told him on the way over.

GLORIA(under her breath)

Prude. (then)

Continue Claire!

CLAIREI...uh...

PHILClaire why don’t you take a seat. Gloria, can you come up here and help me? Let’s see some of that game show talent shine here in the living room tonight!

GLORIAOh I’d love to!

GLORIA INTERVIEW

GLORIA (CONT’D)I used to be one of Lopez’s Ladies on the hit show Grande Dinero on the local access in Columbia.

23.

PHIL (CONT'D)

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A snapshot is shown of Gloria in a flashy dress pointing to luxury items, sitting on the hood of a cheap car, and getting her butt grabbed at by the host, Lopez.

GLORIA (CONT’D)Senor Lopez was a bit of a pervert.

Another picture is shown of Gloria kneeing his crotch, smiling.

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - EVENING

PHILAlright. First question. These are just to see what you know.

(grabs a card from Gloria)Thank you Gloria, tell ‘em what they’ve won! Just kidding. There are no prizes. Okay! What is birth control and what are some common methods of it?

Darryl raises his hand.

PHIL (CONT’D)Heavy D?

DARRYLAbstinence.

PHILGood! Yes. Abstinence. Abstaining from sex all together. Good one. The best one! Any more?

Luke is confused.

LUKE(to Alex)

What is sex?

ALEXYou are so young. Here.

She leans in and whispers to him. Claire’s ears perk up.

CLAIRENo whispering! There shouldn’t be any whispering going on.

MANNYI believe there’s some kind of tablet you can take, right?

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PHILYep Manny, there’s a pill you can take, too. It’s called a, anyone? Anyone? Birth control pill. They look like candy and they come in a cool dispenser like Pez, but they are not candy. Believe me.

Claire steps out into the kitchen.

INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN - EVENING

Claire dials the phone.

MITCHELLHello?

INTERCUT MITCHELL AND CLAIRE ON THE PHONE.

CLAIREMitch, it’s Claire. Listen, we’re doing a little Sex One-Oh-One session for all the kids to get it all out of the way at once, did you guys want to come by and help us bite the bullet?

MITCHELLI think we’re exploiting our child enough by ourselves today.

CLAIREWhere are you?

MITCHELLWell it sounds like we just left Vietnam and now we’re making a stop by Oz.

Cameron is heard in the background.

CAMERON (O.S.)...And we had to carry her in a basket on a bike. Like Toto. Or E.T. Right out of the gunfire.

CLAIREAlright. Well we’re here if you feel inclined. The way this night is going, we might need legal advice at some point, too.

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MITCHELLThat bad huh?

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Everyone is sort of talking over each other.

ALEXGrandpa, what do you know about sex?

JAYI...uh...nothing. Ask Manny, I told him everything I know.

MANNYIt’s true. I’ve got it all written down. It’ll be a whole chapter in my first book, From Manny to Man.

JAYPerfect.

Claire grabs Phil off to the side.

CLAIREThe townsfolk are getting restless.

PHILI’m aware.

CLAIREWhat else have you got?

PHILThe note cards on an easel were pretty much it.

CLAIREWell what else can we do here?

PHILDo you want me to see if I can find two easels?

CLAIREThis can’t be the whole lesson. They still look clueless. Especially Haley!

Haley is shown patting Darryl’s thigh.

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PHILDid we cover where babies come from?

CLAIRENot exactly where babies come from.

PHILBe right back, I’ve got an idea.

EXT. PARK BENCH - EVENING

Cam and Mitchell are sitting alone. Lily plays off to the side with some kids on a jungle gym while groups of kids line up to audition for the play behind them.

CAMERONGo ahead. Say it.

MITCHELLWhat?

CAMERONThis whole thing was a failure. Lily’s not interested. This was all just me pushing something on her.

MITCHELLThat’s not totally true. Sure, I mean, you were a little aggressive with it. The skull was a little much.

Cam holds up a small SKULL.

CAMERONWhether ‘tis nobler kills with a good prop.

Cam sighs.

CAMERON (CONT’D)I dunno Mitchell. I guess I’m just trying to live through Lily. She’s growing up so fast.

MITCHELLIt’s time, Cam. It flies. And trust me, there will be plenty of time to watch Lily figure out what she wants to do, what she likes to do.

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They spot Lily dancing on at the top of a slide with another little girl before they both slide down.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Maybe she’s not meant to be an actress. Maybe she’s meant to be a dancer. Whatever it is, we just can’t force anything on her, and we have to be patient.

CAMERONYou’re right. Patience leads to virtues.

MITCHELLPatient Virtues?

CAMERONThe Meryl Streep biopic!

MITCHELLThe Meryl Streep biopic!

CAMERONPerfect title.

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Everyone is focused on Phil in front of the TV. He’s holding a box of videotapes and drops it, brandishing a single tape above his head.

PHILAlright everyone. Here’s the next step in educating you all on sex. We call it “The Miracle of Life, Dunphy Style.”

CLAIREOh sweet lord no.

Phil pops in the video. It’s Claire getting ready to give birth to Haley.

PHILNow when your mom gives the third push, let me know. I have to switch the tapes because I passed out with the camera Blair Witch style.

Haley jumps up.

HALEYWhoa, we’re not watching me being born. This is too weird!

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I know most of this stuff, why are you jamming it in my face with the entire family here?

CLAIREWell Haley, we just thought you should do your best to prevent this by hearing it from your parents. You’re obviously curious, Little Miss Birth Control Pamphlet!

Haley is dumbfounded.

HALEYWhat birth control pamphlet?

CLAIREIn you Lucky Jeans. I found them in your room.

HALEYI haven’t worn my Lucky jeans in months. They’re too small.

DARRYLNothing’s too small for you babe.

PHILWatch it straight edge.

DARRYLSorry.

PHILShank you.

They fist pound.

CLAIREWell who was wearing them then Haley? And how did the birth control stuff magically get in your pocket?

Claire realizes Alex is gone from the room. She realizes what happened.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)Phil, turn off the video. I’ll be right back.

Claire runs upstairs. Phil tries to turn off the video without looking at it.

29.

HALEY (CONT'D)

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LUKE(hiding under his hands)

Please turn it off!

JAYI need a beer.

MANNY(to Darryl)

So what’s it like being a man?

DARRYLIt’s great. I’m not just a man, I’m a straight edge man. Three rules. No drugs.

MANNYGot it.

DARRYLNo drinking.

MANNYI guess I can kick the tonic water.

DARRYLAnd no lust.

MANNYHmm. Good luck with that.

Manny pats Darryl’s shoulder and leaves.

INT. ALEX’S BEDROOM - EVENING

Alex is alone. Claire joins her.

CLAIREHey sweetie.

ALEXHey.

CLAIREAlex, you know, if you have questions about anything, you can bring them to your dad and I.

ALEXI know.

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Page 32: Modern Family - Sex Ed

CLAIREYou are a little young to be researching birth control. You know that right?

ALEXI know. But Haley’s older and she has everything. She’s got the looks. She’s got the style. She’s got the boys.

CLAIREI know. I know it may seem like she has everything now. But she doesn’t have everything. She doesn’t have your smarts. Or your attitude. Or your will to find things out on your own.

ALEXYeah...

CLAIREBe happy with who you are. We’re happy with who you are. We don’t want you to change one bit. And I know you’re going to keep growing and you’re going to have more questions. Just...don’t hesitate to ask okay?

ALEXOkay.

CLAIREWhy were you wearing Haley’s jeans?

ALEXThere’s this guy at school...

CLAIREAh! Tell me all about it.

Claire puts her arm around Alex as she goes into the story.

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Mitchell, Cam, and Lily all enter the living room and join everyone. Hayley hangs on Darryl while Jay and Gloria sip on beers. Phil is spraying different colognes on Manny while he approves/disapproves. Lily hops into the middle of all of them and begins doing a dance the girl at the park taught her. They all applaud and cheer her on.

31.

Page 33: Modern Family - Sex Ed

CLAIRE (V.O.)You know, sometimes my kids amaze me. They do things that go above and beyond what I think they’ll ever do.

Alex is trying on outfits with Claire who prepares makeup to put on her.

CLAIRE (V.O.)They experiment. They mess up. And sometimes they just plain fail. But, you don’t learn everything right out of the gate. That’s where family comes in, as your relief pitcher.

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Luke approaches Phil.

LUKEDad, can we watch this tape? It says “Luke’s Conception” on it.

PHILNo! Ah!

Phil throws the tape to the floor and begins smashing it with his foot.

PHIL (CONT’D)Sorry bud, I think this one’s broken.

END OF SHOW

32.


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