Download - Startup Communication, July 2014
Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
communication
Ed Batista
July 11, 2014
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
www.edbatista.com
blogs.hbr.org/ed-batista
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Who am I?
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we1:1 communication
Group norms
You & your colleagues
going?
How will weConcepts
Exercises & debriefs
1:1 feedback
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]
Startups ashuman systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamics
Communication = survival
Feedback = learning
Relationships matter
ReadMore
Startups ashuman systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Think about this team…
How are you communicating?
How would you like to communicate?
Concepts #1Today’s headline
The simplest feedback model
Feelings
The net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
The headlineFeedback is stressful
So criticize with skill
& give more heartfelt praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
ReadMore
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
FeelingsDisclosing feelings = vulnerable
But feelings influence
And vulnerability closeness
Comfort with discomfort
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]
The netDavid Bradford
How to improve communication?
How to create closeness and connection?
ReadMore
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
My behavior… Actions Statements Non-Verbals
Needs Motives
Intentions
Feelings Reactions
Responses
The netMe and
my…
You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The netStay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Concepts #2Hierarchy of needs
Safety, trust, intimacy
Social threat
SCARF model
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Abraham Maslow
What motivates us as human beings?
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Physiological
Safety
Love & belonging
Esteem
Self-actualization
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Some caveats…
* Maslow never used a pyramid
** Not a strict hierarchy
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Parallels in groups & relationships
Pre-conditions for success
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
Experiments, risk-taking & vulnerability
Learning, self-awareness & change
In groups &
relationships…
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Learning, self-
awareness & change
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
Startups ashuman systems
Think about your interactions in this
group…
What enhances safety, trust &
intimacy?
What undermines those qualities?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Safety, trust,
Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]
intimacy
ReadMore
Safety, trust,intimacy
Safety = I won’t get hurt
Trust = I believe you & you believe me
Intimacy = We can make the private
public
Safety, trust,intimacy
Foundation for learning
Feedback = learning
But there’s a problem…
Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?
Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat
Threat responseaka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Physiological signs?
Emotional signs?
Photo by William Warby [link]
Social threat(Some) social situations ≈ Physical
threats
Many times/day
Most common location?
Social threatPhysiological/emotional response plus…
Cognitive impairment
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Social threatResult?
Massive communication failure
We give feedback ineffectively
We receive it poorly
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
ReadMore
David RockWhat social situationstrigger a threatresponse?
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF modelDavid Rock
What social situations trigger a threat
response?
How can we minimize the risk of social
threat?
How can we increase feelings of safety?
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
ReadMore
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
Use the modelWhen giving feedback…
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship*
Play fair*
Use the modelWhen getting feedback…
Recognize our threat response
Manage our emotions (Norms help*)
To sum upBuild safety, trust & intimacy
Minimize threat response
Better conditions for communication
Less stressful feedback
More effective learning
Photo by Pranav Yaddanapudi [link]
Concepts #3Relationships
The net (again)
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful
relationships?ReadMore
RelationshipsFeeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence
5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships& conflict
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]
Startups ashuman systems
Think about your teammates…
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the
relationship?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net (again)
The netHow to be direct while avoiding
defensiveness?
How to increase sense of fairness?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
My behavior… Actions Statements Non-Verbals
Needs Motives
Intentions
Feelings Reactions
Responses
The netMe and
my…
You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The netStay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
Diminish social threat & defensiveness
Increase sense of fairness
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Startups ashuman systems
Think about your teammates…
When do you cross their net?
When do they cross yours?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Concepts #4Emotional intelligence & groups
Talking about feelings
Group norms
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
EQ and groupsWhy care?
Effective teams
Participation, cooperation,
collaboration
Can’t mandate behavior
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
ReadMore
EQ and groupsEssential conditions…
Mutual trust
Group identity (feeling of belonging)
Group efficacy (belief in value of the
team)
Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsIndividual EQ
Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Startups ashuman systems
Think about how you show up on this
team…
How aware are you of your emotions?
How well do you regulate your
emotions?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Talking aboutAffect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about
emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
ReadMore
Talking aboutGroup norms
Norms define what’s normative
Can we talk about feelings here?
Overcome embarrassment
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Our normsConsider company norms
Create awareness of emotions
Help regulate emotions
ReadMore
Photo by jm3 [link]
We never… We
always…
1. Spend time getting to knowothers personally.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
3. Share thoughts and emotionswith others in the moment.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet in a discussion what they think.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistanceto our decisions.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluateour own effectiveness.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feelingin the group in the moment.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive behavior in meetings.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
2. Call out behavior that violatesthose ground rules.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
3. Express acceptance ofothers’ emotions.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledgeand relieve stress.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
6. Express optimism aboutthe team’s capabilities.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
7. Provide others with positivefeedback in the moment.
Norms that help regulate
Our normsWhat norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Concepts #5Positive feedback
Mindset
Soft start
5 levels
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Positive feedbackA paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]
Positive feedbackWe may not trust it
We may even resent it
We often praise the wrong things
ReadMore
Positive feedbackDon’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*
Positive feedbackDon’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other means of influence
Positive feedbackDon’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence
Carol Dweck
How do we feel about our abilities?
How do we feel about our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]
ReadMore
Talent & intelligence are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or character flaws
Negative emotional response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence can be developed
Mistakes are learning opportunities
Pay close attention to mistakes & learn more
Fixed Growth
Mindset
ReadMore
Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this
Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this
Soft startBegin with positive intent
(But don’t bullshit)
Emphasize mutual goals
Be mindful of your stress
ReadMore
5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
Increasing levels of meaning, value
and risk
5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most meaningful
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Remember…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
ReadMore
1:1 feedbackWhen getting feedback…
Observe your threat response
Do you want to ask for specific feedback?
1:1 feedbackWhen giving feedback…
Positive feedback encouraged
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions