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The C Word – ChangePerspectives and Practical Approaches
drs. Carolien Moors MSc Speaker for
Stearns County Service Center ‐ Oct. 27, 2016
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Maya Angelou
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
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Objectives
1. Increase understanding of your responses to changes.
2. Insights and tips to better deal with changes.
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Change is here to stay
Small or big
Wanted or unwanted
Anticipated or unexpected
Organizational or private life
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Change can be hard
You may overestimate the value of what is. Maybe you underestimate the value of what’s to gain.You’re held hostage by distorted beliefs, thoughts.
You love your routines and crave certainties.You may misjudge your capability to adjust.
You may neglect transitions.
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“Mini‐MBA” Psychology
Responses to change, behavior are:‐ Purposeful ‐ they serve a goal‐ Driven by needs and fears‐ Rooted in beliefs and thoughts
We are creatures of habitWe are creatures who self‐deceiveWe are creatures who crave certainty
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What motivates us?
1. AutonomyThe desire to direct our own lives.
2. MasteryUrge to get better at something that matters.
3. PurposeThe yearning to do what we do in the service of something larger than ourselves.
Daniel Pink in “Drive”
Change disturbsthis process
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Change and Transition
It’s usually not the change, we have difficulty with, but the
William Bridges
The shock or surprise of the anticipated new. Not knowing where to go, how, what to expect. Having to unlearn and relearn, having to adjust.
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Change and Grief
Level of acceptance increases as you move uphill
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Letting go of ‘what was’
• Acknowledge what to part with: expectations, assumptions, skill, person, place, job, identity
• Recognize tangible and intangible losses
• Honor the past, take something with you
• Expect some self‐doubt, being less productive, more absentminded, maybe resentful and protective
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“Table” Exercise
Take 2 min. with the person to your right to discuss:
1. What’s difficult to let go off when dealing with change or
1. Which stage of grieving process you find most challenging.
Grieving stages:Shock, denial,frustration sadness
Letting go of: expectations, method, skills, status, control …
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Your powerful thoughts
1. Fanatic Perfectionism
2. Disaster Thinking
3. Love Addiction
4. Low Frustration Tolerance
5. Wishes – Turned – Demands
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Recognize any of these?
GeneralizingFocusing on the neg., neglecting the pos.Black‐and‐white thinkingExcessive responsibility‐takingTaking too many things personalDrawing premature conclusions “Should”‐ thoughtsExaggerating
Confirmation Bias
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Reality Check
When faced with challenges and changes, ask:1. Do I have enough data to freak out? (Brene Brown)2. Does freaking out help me reach my goals?3. How much will this really matter in a few days, next
month, a year from now? (Albert Ellis)
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Positive Thinkers
• Less stress
• Longer life span
• Lower rates of depression
• Increased resistance to common cold
• Better stress management, coping skills
• Better psychological health, physical well‐being
• Lower risk for cardiovascular disease‐related death
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Your Amygdala
Primitive fear center, responds to stress. Processes emotional memory
When fear grips you …
Amy works overtime, reason shuts down:
Reality checks fly out the window.Self‐defense mechanisms are activated. Emotions get stronger and go unchecked.
Irrationality, paralysis, temporary insanity may kick in.
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Controlling negative thoughts
• Reality check with someone who is candid
• Challenge thoughts, dispute with evidence
• Avoid viewing setbacks as permanent
• Focus on something positive, realistic
• Write down worries for a later time
• Focus on solutions not problems
• Notice complaining and limit it
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“Table” Exercise
Take 2 min. with the person to your left to discuss unrealistic expectations of yourself or others that you may have
Or Thinking ‘distortions’ that you recognize when handling changes.
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You go where your focus is
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The Power of Mindset
A very remarkable guyNick Vujicic
“Life without limbs or Life without limits?”
Mindset: beliefs, way of thinking. Determines your outlook, attitudeAnd your choices, actions, results
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Summary mindset adjustment
What do you choose to think? Who do you choose to talk with?What do you choose to focus on?
Are you letting go of assumptions that have outlived their usefulness?
When you detect negative thoughts in your head:1. Do a reality check2. Choose to hit the “off” button3. Reflect on your assumptions, thoughts, focus
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, We are challenged to change ourselves.”
Victor Frankl
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Change‐Resilient Mindset
1. Expect changes, any size and shape2. Reframe the situation and your role3. Use realistic, constructive self‐talk:
‐ I can learn how to adjust better3. Focus your attention on what is there, what is possible4. Make time for grief, loss, taking something with you
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Change resilient practices
1. Seek support from can‐do, adaptive people2. Solicit feedback from caring, candid people3. Take care of your body: hydration, food, rest4. Focus on routines while in turbulent times5. Challenge yourself with small daily changes6. Consider what to preserve and how7. Keep a daily gratitude journal
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Strengthen your awareness
• What am I doing right now, in the here and now?
• What do I feel, what do I experience right now?
• What do I really want right now?
• What do I expect, of myself and others?
• What am I avoiding, what am I fearing?
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Who doesn’t have 1 minute?
• Tackling 1 thing at a time• Deep breathing three times• Mindfully observing an object• Wiggling toes and stretching arms• Celebrating small wins, improvements• Shedding superman/superwoman urge• Using all your senses for mental vacation• Using positive and realistic self‐talk such as:
– I will do one thing right now to take better care of myself– I trust I can learn to deal with these challenges constructively
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Personal Reflection
Take 1 minute to choose 2 tips you will put to practice, starting NOW:
1. ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐2. ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
My accountability partner will be:
‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
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Shut down neg. tapes
• When you worry and focus on problems/failing, you use up precious, limited working memory in your prefrontal cortex.
• Stress leads to overactive amygdala and underperforming prefrontal cortex: creative thinking and decision‐making.
• Be strict with your neg. tapes: Shut them down and change them to realistic self‐talk. Pause, breath, get back to now:
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Harmful thinking patterns
Extreme thinkingBlack‐and‐white, all‐or‐nothing, blowing out of proportion.
Negative thinkingHalf‐empty glass, dwelling on worst possible outcome.
Obsessed, inflexibleUnable to budge or see things differently.
Perfectionistic The need to be right, no mistakes, in control. Shoulding on selfUnrealistic expectations, difficulty accepting self without judgment, tendency to criticize.
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A Master’s Degree in asking Qs
What may I be missing here?What if I ‘m (totally) wrong? What am I chasing, protecting, avoiding?What is keeping me from really listening? How can I better understand this person?How am I possibly contributing to the dynamics?
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The Obvious, often neglected
• Eat and snack healthy
• Sleep and exercise more
• Celebrate small successes
• Take time for things you enjoy
• Practice gratitude daily
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Your choice
You can fight change or anticipate itYou can fight change or manage itYou can fight change or accept it
As a fact of life.
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Reflection and Action
Two tips I’m willing to put to practice, NOW:
1. ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐2. ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
My accountability partner will be:
‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
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Remember Winston Churchill
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunityAn optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
drs. Carolien Moors MSc
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Reading Suggestions
Transitions William BridgesDon’t sweat the small stuff Richard CarlsonThe Power of Habit Charles DuhiggMindset Carol DweckMan’s Search for Meaning Viktor FranklSwitch Heath and Heath101 Attitude John Maxwell Learned Optimism Martin SeligmanThe How of Happiness Sonja Lyubomirsky
Carolien Moors, HardTalk Biz Coaching