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1. Today, we mailed to you an information packet on our latest course offerings.
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1. Today, we mailed to you an information packet on our latest course offerings.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
The sentence is in “we” view; doesn’t tell the audience what they want to know; doesn’t say when the info packet should arrive.
Revision:
You should receive an information packet with our latest course offerings on Thursday.
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2. Because you were late to the meeting, we assigned you to work the polling booth at 7am on Saturday.
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2. Because you were late to the meeting, we assigned you to work the polling booth at 7am on Saturday.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
“you” is used – (in negative situations, the reader should be deemphasized)
“you” is used – singles out the reader (refer to the group instead)
Revision: Anyone late to the meeting is working the polling booth at 7am
on Saturday.
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3. I hope you understand that we are very interested in hiring you for the position.
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3. I hope you understand that we are very interested in hiring you for the position.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Is in “we” view (when it’s positive, should be in “you” view)
Revision:
You are an excellent candidate for the position.
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4. We made an error in your favor, so you’ll be getting a refund of $12.72.
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4. We made an error in your favor, so you’ll be getting a refund of $12.72.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Is in “we” view;Unnecessary negative, omit (possibly)Doesn’t indicate what the reader wants to know
Revision:
Due to the error, you will get a refund of $12.72 on June 1, 2014.
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5. Susan Brightman said she wouldn’t accept the job offer unless the salary was increased by $10,000.
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5. Susan Brightman said she wouldn’t accept the job offer unless the salary was increased by $10,000.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
stated in the negative Revision:
Susan Brightman will accept the job offer if the salary is increased by $10,000.
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6. Just in case one of our employees is unreliable, we should prepare a backup plan for an unfortunate problems that might arise.
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6. Just in case one of our employees is unreliable, we should prepare a backup plan for an unfortunate problems that might arise.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Unnecessary negativeSingles out employeesDoesn’t include reader benefit (phrased positively)
Revision:
We should prepare a backup plan to ensure the process goes smoothly.
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7. Even though our meeting took considerable time and was inconvenient, I enjoyed chatting with you on Saturday. Your plan isn’t missing anything important and doesn’t make me worry about its feasibility.
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7. Even though our meeting took considerable time and was inconvenient, I enjoyed chatting with you on Saturday. Your plan isn’t missing anything important and doesn’t make me worry about its feasibility.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
unnecessary negativesPhrasing is negative (should be flipped to positive)
Revision:
Our meeting was successful on Saturday. Your plan includes the important information and is feasible.
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8. Please notify the publisher of the magazine of your change of address as soon as possible to prevent a disruption of subscription service.
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8. Please notify the publisher of the magazine of your change of address as soon as possible to prevent a disruption of subscription service.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
doesn’t include reader benefit (it’s phrased as negative)negative phrasing
Revision:
Please notify the publisher of the magazine about the address change to ensure delivery.
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9. I was Treasurer of the Accounting Club. Of course, we didn’t have much money so I didn’t have much responsibility, but I was able to put into practice principles I learned in the classroom.
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9. I was Treasurer of the Accounting Club. Of course, we didn’t have much money so I didn’t have much responsibility, but I was able to put into practice principles I learned in the classroom.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
unnecessary negative Revision:
Being the former Treasurer of the Accounting Club, I was able to put into practice principles I learned in the classroom.
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10. If you submitted a travel request, as you claim, we have failed to receive it.
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10. If you submitted a travel request, as you claim, we have failed to receive it.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Negative wording.Hostile phrasingDoesn’t tell the reader what they need to know or can do.
Revision: We have not received the travel request. Please submit a new form by June 1.