edited narrative

8/7/2019 Edited Narrative

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/edited-narrative 1/7

Bianca Sanchez

February 16th, 2011

Dear Mrs. Rothwell

The way I reduced my paper was by making my paragraphs multiples of fives.This was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. I think that I did a better

job of showing and not telling. I tried to give exact details cause I hope that by doing that

it helps convey my feelings. By reading this I hope that people will see what I did to

complete my Graduation Project, and what I went through. In the end I enjoyed it. The

knowledge I gained, and the people I met made the project a lot more tolerable.

Thank You,

Bianca Sanchez



Bianca Sanchez

English 1103

Mrs. Rothwell

February 7th, 2011

A Less Than Perfect Senior Year

Senior year starts its suppose to be the best year of my life say the seniors before me. So

far so good. Hanging out with friends on the picnic tables outside. Going to the park to watch the

boy’s soccer games. Being the top of the food chain, a.k.a seniors are better than everybody else.

Everything was right in the world, then it went bad. Check the green squiggles under your text.

A few weeks into English IV Honors, we find out that it is time to start our Graduation

Project. When the teacher announced this to the class, shivers went down my spine. I started to

think about all the elements involved in completing this project. This was going to be a

nightmare. Mrs.Raesemann my teacher gave us a paper with the requirements for the project. It

included: a ten page paper, twelve hours with your mentor, and an eight minute presentation in

front of three judges. The judges were plucked from the community, and they could be anyone.

Knowing this made my stomach turn, because talking in public is one of my worst fears.

After class let out my friends Geo, Katie, and I went to lunch. The lunch room was

crowded like always, and the lunch line went around the corner. Which is the reason I brought

my lunch to school. Sitting at the lunch tables across from each other we discussed the upcoming

project.

Geo starts by saying “I was hoping we really didn’t have to do that project this year. I

heard that it was a possibility. I guess not!”

Katie follows with “It’s probably because they want to torture us. I have no idea what to

do for my project.”



I say “I heard the judges appreciate the ones who do community service for their project.

I think that is what I’ll do.”

School lets out at 3:05 p.m, which I never figured out why. I drive home which is one of

the longest drives probably because I’m just ready to get home andrelieve some stress. While

waiting for my mom I grab a snack from the fridge like I doeveryday after school. My mom

arrives a few minutes later after I finished my snack. We sat down onthe couch in front of the

t.v.. I unload about the stress I am feeling over this project. All the

things I had to do finding a

mentor, writing a paper, and completing my hours. She told me to

slow down because I was

talking too fast. I was freaking out. I ask her if she knows of anyway

to help me. She tells me

that she has a friend named Noelle that works for an organization called Housing Assistance

Corporation. I say “Wwhat exactly does HAC do?”. She tells me that they are a non-profit

organization that helps families obtain loans, and then helps them build their homes. I think to

myself that she sounds like the perfect mentor to help me with my project. My mom gives me

her number to contact Noelle about possibly being my mentor.

Noelle answers the phone very politely, “ Hello, this is Noelle with Housing Assistance.



How can I help you?”

I answer, “ Hi, my name is Bianca Sanchez. You know my mother.”

Noelle responds, “ Yes, your mother told me that you would be calling me. What can I

help you with?”

“Well I am starting my Graduation Project, and I was wondering if you would be my

mentor. I am writing about How to Buy a Home, and I know that HAC does a lot of work with

loans and home building. If you could help through the process of buying a house.”

“I would love to be your mentor. I guess for some of the hours I can show you how to

obtain a loan. Also I could get you to interview people who have

been through the process of getting a home through HAC. Also

work with families that are building their homes right now.”

“Perfect, could I schedule a time to meet with you in person

to discuss the details further?”

“How about this coming Friday, after you get out of school?”

“Okay so I will be at your offices around 3:30 p.m.”

“I can’t wait, see you then. Bye”

“Bye and thank you so much.”

Next was the outline. First step was to make forty notecards with information on each

one. One card would have What Is Credit?, How to apply for a loan?, or How long does a loan

last? We also had to have notecards for the sources we used. The sources had to be cited in MLA

format. Making notecards was painful. My hand would cramp from writing on the 3 x 5

notecards. After the notecards, we had to put it into the outline. The outline planned out every

sentence it was frustrating. Each paragraph, and sentence has to be broken down. It probably



took longer to complete than the actual paper.Mrs.Raesemann was very particular about how she

wanted things done.

Next on my to do list were my hours. For the first few hours I met with my mentor at her

office, and she explained the process of applying for a loan. She helped me step by step, for

example, explaining what it takes to even be eligible for a loan. The majority of my hours I

worked with the families who were building their homes. Housing Assistance has certain

requirements for the families, they have to put in a certain amount of hours into their homes.

Such as painting the inside and outside of the house, and some landscaping. I also participated in

interviewing some of the families who had gone through HAC to build their homes. I helped

with the painting, I wore old clothes so that the paint would not ruin any of my good clothes. We

painted their houses with the colors of their choice. Working with the families was

the best part, they each had such great personalities and stories.

With a blank computer screen staring back at me, I was terrified. Could I

actually write a 10 page paper. I was very discouraged. I did not have confidence in my writing

skills. The outline actually helped me out a lot. It mad the writing process flow a lot smoother. I

wrote about How To Buy a Home. The paper did not have to be on what we did specifically on

our hours. It had to relate to what we did on our hours. I wrote my paper all in one sitting. My

eyes were hurting from the staring at the computer screen. Before I turned it in I had Noelle read

over it first. She corrected some factual mistakes, and some grammar. She made my paper so

much better.



With my hours complete and my paper turned in all I had to wait on was getting my

paper

back, and my presentation. Finally Mrs.Raesemann handed us our papers back. I was so nervous,

writing has never been my forte. She puts the paper face down on my desk, I wait a second to

turn it over. Once I do I see the most wonderful thing in the world. It’s an “A”. I could not wait

to get home and tell my mom, and Noelle. I knew that they would both be proud of

me.

The presentation. What I have been dreading this entire time. The presentations were

after school, we all had to dress up in business casual and come back around five in the

afternoon. Driving to school my palms were sweaty and I tried to sing along with the radio but it

was impossible. I was in the first group to present. I entered the room, I didn’t recognize any of

the judges. Once at the podium, I opened the powerpoint. The powerpoint covered the main

topics in my paper. Like Loans, Credit, and one of the families I interviewed. I talked for nine

minutes, which was perfect not too short or not too long. At the end of the presentation the

judges clapped and gave me compliments like “well-informed”, and “very professional”. The

next day in class I got my grade back for my presentation it was a perfect one hundred. So I got

an “A” on the entire project.



This project was one of the most challenging things I have had to do. Meeting new

people, and writing about something that I only had the basic knowledge about. It forced me out

of my comfort zone, and helped me gain confidence. Especially in my writing and my people

skills. In the end I actually enjoyed the project, it is something that I will remember for some

time to come.

Bianca,Your project certainly sounds interesting.

There are a few elements I would like you to consider about this version of your literacy story.

Much of your story is a chronology of what you did and the order you did it in. The part where you talked with your mentor on the phone works well. Remember you are showing how different people helped you learn to read/write

or did not help you.

Also, at some point, review all the green squiggles that the computer editor placed. Many of them mark sentencefragments. You need to work through the sentences to fix them.

edited narrative

Documents