Effective ListeningEffective Listening

State StandardState Standard

4.14.1

Understand conditions, actions, and Understand conditions, actions, and motivations that contribute to motivations that contribute to conflict orconflict or

to cooperation.to cooperation.

“’“’Seek first to understand’ involves a Seek first to understand’ involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They are either the intent to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak. They speaking or preparing to speak. They are filtering everything through their are filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s autobiography into other people’s lives. If they have a problem with lives. If they have a problem with someone, their attitude is ‘That someone, their attitude is ‘That person just doesn’t understand.’” person just doesn’t understand.’” --Stephen --Stephen CoveyCovey

““A conversation should not A conversation should not be be a market in which one a market in which one sells and another buys. sells and another buys. Rather, it should be a Rather, it should be a bargaining back and forth, bargaining back and forth, and each person should be and each person should be merchant and buyer. My merchant and buyer. My rubber plant for your victrola, rubber plant for your victrola, each offering what he has each offering what he has and seeking his deficiency.”and seeking his deficiency.” --Charles --Charles

BrooksBrooks

•Getting ready to listen:Getting ready to listen:

1. 1. Be sincereBe sincere. When you . When you encourage someone to encourage someone to share his/her view, you share his/her view, you must mean it.must mean it.

2.2.Be curiousBe curious..As you listen to their view, As you listen to their view, get to the get to the sourcesource of their of their feelings.feelings.

3.3. Do not judgeDo not judge..Do not label them as Victim, Do not label them as Victim, Villain, or Helpless. Look for Villain, or Helpless. Look for the rational reasons behind the rational reasons behind their feelings.their feelings.

• If you suspend judgment and If you suspend judgment and assume they are basically assume they are basically good, you may understand good, you may understand their negative behavior.their negative behavior.

• People can still be good, People can still be good, even if their actions are bad.even if their actions are bad.

4.4. Be patientBe patient..

Wait for their emotions to Wait for their emotions to settle down as you create settle down as you create safety.safety.

• Every feeling has a Every feeling has a history. Look for the history. Look for the preceding causespreceding causes..

• When someone does not When someone does not want to talk, use want to talk, use AMPPAMPP..

A A sksk

MM irrorirror

PP araphrase araphrase

PP rimerime

• AskAsk

Simply invite the other Simply invite the other person to share his/her person to share his/her feelings.feelings.

• MirrorMirror

Describe how the other Describe how the other person appears to be person appears to be feeling outwardly.feeling outwardly.

• ParaphraseParaphrase Let the other person know Let the other person know

they have been heard by they have been heard by repeating back what repeating back what they’ve said.they’ve said.

•PrimePrime

State what you think State what you think the other person is the other person is feeling.feeling.

Use this only as a last Use this only as a last resort.resort.

•After using the After using the techniques, move to techniques, move to Mutual PurposeMutual Purpose by by expressing concern for expressing concern for the other person’s the other person’s needs.needs.

•Ask what solution you Ask what solution you both could agree on.both could agree on.

WENDY: How could you WENDY: How could you embarrass me like that? I get embarrass me like that? I get one boy to like me, and now one boy to like me, and now he’ll never talk to me again! I he’ll never talk to me again! I hate you!hate you!

PARENT: That wasn’t a boy. That PARENT: That wasn’t a boy. That was a future inmate. You’re was a future inmate. You’re worth more than that. Why are worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time with him?you wasting your time with him?

WENDY: You’re ruining my life! WENDY: You’re ruining my life! Leave me alone!Leave me alone!

Wendy storms out. Slams the Wendy storms out. Slams the door of her bedroom.door of her bedroom.

PARENT: Wendy, may I talk to PARENT: Wendy, may I talk to you a minute?you a minute?

WENDY: Whatever.WENDY: Whatever.

PARENT: I’m really sorry for PARENT: I’m really sorry for embarrassing you like that. embarrassing you like that. That was a bad way to handle That was a bad way to handle it.it.

WENDY: It’s just that you do WENDY: It’s just that you do that a lot. It’s like you want to that a lot. It’s like you want to control everything in my life.control everything in my life.

PARENT: Can we talk about that?PARENT: Can we talk about that?

WENDY: It’s no big deal. You’re the WENDY: It’s no big deal. You’re the parent, right?parent, right?

PARENT: From the way you say that, PARENT: From the way you say that, it sounds like it’s a big deal. I really it sounds like it’s a big deal. I really would like to hear what makes you would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life.think I’m trying to control your life.

WENDY: What, so you can tell me WENDY: What, so you can tell me more ways that I’m screwed up? I more ways that I’m screwed up? I finally have one friend who accepts finally have one friend who accepts me, and you’re trying to chase him me, and you’re trying to chase him away!away!

PARENT: So you feel like I don’t PARENT: So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is approve of you, and your friend is one person who does?one person who does?

WENDY: It’s not just you. All of my WENDY: It’s not just you. All of my friends have lots of boys who like friends have lots of boys who like them. Doug’s the first guy who’s them. Doug’s the first guy who’s even called me. I don’tknow—even called me. I don’tknow—never mind.never mind.

PARENT: I can see how you’d feel PARENT: I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way. I’d probably feel the same way.

WENDY: Then how could you WENDY: Then how could you embarrass me like that?embarrass me like that?

PARENT: Honey, I’d like to take a stab PARENT: Honey, I’d like to take a stab at something here. I wonder if part of at something here. I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by feeling cared about and valued by boys, your parents, and by others right boys, your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it?now. Is that part of it?

WENDY: Why am I so unattractive? I WENDY: Why am I so unattractive? I really work on how I look but…really work on how I look but…

Group ActivityGroup Activity

Write a script that depicts Write a script that depicts a crucial conversation a crucial conversation using the AMPP technique using the AMPP technique (all (all fourfour must be used). must be used).

Roleplay in front of class.Roleplay in front of class.