GG RIEFEnabling People to Grieve and Grow through Their Losses

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Goals for Each Step

Step 1: Ascertain where the counselee is in the grieving process.

Step 2: Offer a biblical perspective of death and other losses, as well as the comfort and hope ofGod’s Word.

Step 3: Facilitate the grieving process, allowing it to run its full course.

Step 4: Offer long-term wisdom in equipping the individual, the family, and the church in preparingfor life’s losses.

A Biblical Perspective on Caring for People

COUNSELING INSIGHTS

Emotional

S T E P O N E

Observation and Identification of the ProblemAscertain where the counselee is in the grieving process.

Meet the CounseleeI knew that someday my

husband would die, but nomatter how often he was ill, Inever really thought about lifewithout him. For weeks afterhis death, I couldn’t stop cryingat the slightest remembranceof him. And now months later,life still isn’t back to normal.Normal—I don’t know whatthat is anymore. Food doesn’ttaste as good as it did beforehe died. Colors aren’t as brightas they were. Jokes aren’t asfunny. Sleep isn’t as deep.And I don’t have the energy Iused to.

The end of my husband’slife was like a song cut offbefore the last notes could beplayed. The tune never leavesmy mind. It drifts into the back-ground from time to time, butit’s never far away.

DEATH Is as Real as LIFESooner or later we must all acknowledge the reality of death.

Grief, then, is an important part of life and the normal responseto a significant loss. Eventually, we will all face its pain.

As Christians, we take comfort in the certainty of the resur-rection, but we must still experience the emptiness and agony ofsomeone we love being taken from us. A godly counselor willhelp the grieving person understand that in the valley of theshadow of death they can still experience the true Shepherd.

With such an assurance, we can perceive grief not as anenemy, but as a friend, for God has fashioned us to grieve inorder that our sorrow may be consummated. And thoughperiods of depression may linger, our healing will be hastenedas we approach our feelings with directness and honesty.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR COUNSELEE? • What is the counselee’s level of spiritual maturity? How well

does he understand what God is doing through his grief?• Where is she in the grieving process? How is she handling

the loss? What are her feelings, thoughts, and attitudes?• Have the counselee’s relationships fared well through the

grieving process? Have his interactions with othersbecome stressful? Is he avoiding contact with others?

• How has the loss affected the counselee’s health? Is sheneglecting herself in ways that could prolong her grief?

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The Mourning ProcessChristian counselor Archibald Hart defines grief as “a longing for

something that is lost.” 1 A grieving widow longs for the love and pres-ence of her deceased husband. A grieving father yearns for his adolescentson who died in a car accident. Grief is the emotion, while “mourning isthe process of withdrawing emotional attachment or investment from thelost object or person.” 2

In his excellent book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, J. WilliamWorden lists four primary tasks that are a normal part of mourning.

Task 1: to accept the reality of the lossTask 2: to work through the pain of griefTask 3: to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missingTask 4: to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.3

The final task doesn’t imply that the person no longer feels grief.Grieving parents will always feel heartache when they recall the childthey lost. But their sorrow won’t be characterized by the gut-wrenchingpain that it once had. They will have released their loved one and rein-vested themselves in the living.

To help your counselee conceptualize the mourning process that Wordendescribes, we highly recommend Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen’s chil-dren’s book, Tear Soup. Read the book with your counselees, and invite themto talk about how the story portrays their mourning process.

What Is Abnormal Grief?Unnatural responses to loss may delay the healing process and be

potentially dangerous. Unhealthy responses include:

Absent Grief. The person acts as if the loss never occurred, denying itsoccurance and showing only minimal signs of grief. He may be workinghard to “get over” his grief by thinking about it, while avoiding the painof feeling it at all costs.

Inhibited Grief. The person grieves only over certain aspects of the loss,or converts grief to physical symptoms, because in sickness the very realneed for comfort is legitimized. She fears that if she expresses her truegrief, people will abandon her.

Delayed Grief. Some people feel unable to deal with their grief, so they“stuff” it, hoping that at some point they will feel more able toexperience the pain. Even a minor loss in the future may trigger an ava-lanche, releasing the older grief.

Chronic Grief. The person keeps his loss alive through grieving, gettingstuck in the initial stages of the grief process, avoiding closure.

Conflicted Grief. The person exaggerates some of the characteristics ofnormal grief, while suppressing others.

Displaced Grief. The counselee channels her feeling of grief elsewhere,perhaps complaining about work or relationships with others. She maybecome bitter toward life in general or become chronically depressed.

Unanticipated Grief. The person is so devastated by a sudden loss thathe is unable to grasp the totality of what has happened. Mentally, he hasdifficulty accepting the loss because of its unexpectedness.4

Some Grief-Producing Events

— death of a familymember, whetherexpected or sudden

— death of a close friend

— abortion

— loss of child throughdeath, adoption, ordenied custody

— the empty nest

— divorce or brokenengagement

— loss of health

— loss of a job

— bankruptcy

— death of a pet

— natural disaster

— military disaster

As a counselor, yourgoal is to see the bereavedmove from “Why did thishappen?” to “How can Ilearn through this?” and“How can I go on withmy life?” Why questionssearch for meaning andpurpose in loss. Howquestions search for waysto adjust.

The grief-strickenperson may appear

to be “losing his faith”during times of anger ordepression, but that isjust part of the process.Be patient and support-ive, never judgmental orreproving . . . just bea quiet reminder ofGod’s love and constantpresence in his life.

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GRIEF

S T E P T W O

Biblical Instruction and EncouragementOffer a biblical perspective of death and other losses, as well as the

comfort and hope of God’s Word.

FINDING HOPE IN THE FACE OF DEATH

THE LOSS OF A CHILD IS A FAMILY TRAUMA

T he loss of a baby, whether in thewomb or already born, is a

life-shattering ordeal that needs to begrieved. Even an early-trimester miscarriageinvolves the loss of alife and of a fondhope. The couple or

other family members need some-one to share their grief, not to tryto explain it away. Therefore,avoid saying things like thefollowing:

• “God knows what He’s doing andhas a reason for this.”

• “It was nature’s way of taking care of a prob-lem, so it’s for the best.”

• “You only carried the baby for a short time, soit’ll be easy to get over it.”

• “You’re young; you’ll have another baby.”

As you share the parents’ grief, watch for signsthat the loss may be causing marital problems.

Although their desperate need in such a crisis iscloseness and mutual support, they may withdrawfrom each other in their private grief. When thistendency is left unchecked, couples who lose a

child in death may end up divorcing.A counselor can help parents

navigate the treacherous watersof grief by helping them speakopenly and honestly to eachother. Siblings should also beencouraged to talk about thedeath of their brother or sisterand given extra portions of loveand affection to help themweather the emotional storms

with which they may be struggling.Urge the parents to speak with the medical

staff who tended their child about the medicaldecisions made while the child was sick. The cou-ple needs to hear firsthand from the attending doc-tors that everything possible was done to savetheir baby and that they as parents could havedone nothing more.

As a counselor, help the grieving person realizethe meaning of biblical hope. True hope is not just astrong wish, or hope against hope—true hope is aconfident expectation. The apostle Paul writes of thiscertainty in his letter to the church at Thessalonica:

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorantabout those who fall asleep, or to grieve like therest of men, who have no hope. We believe thatJesus died and rose again and so we believe thatGod will bring with Jesus those who have fallenasleep in him. (1 Thess. 4:13–14)

Notice Paul doesn’t say we shouldn’t grieve atall. Such a thought would be neither reasonablenor helpful. Grief is needed for recovery from apainful loss. Rather, we are not to grieve like or in

the same manner as those who have no hope, namelythose who do not have a personal relationship withJesus Christ. Since our hope is sure, our grief istemporary.

Even assurance that our loved one isin a better place will not prevent a periodof grief. They will be missed. Life willnever again be the same. And since weall suffer such losses, we all must grieveat some point in our lives. Even Jesusexperienced this necessary emotion.

For the Counselor

W°ò dàÉn’t G®ù açíñûë mò pëÄòeë?As a pastor or counselor, this may be the first question the bereaved

asks you when a loved one dies. “Isn’t prayer supposed to changethings?” “Why didn’t God protect them?” “Did I not have enough faith?”

Hebrews 11 testifies to the effectiveness of faith. Faith does work.However, in the throes of grief, it may appear that something is wrong,either with your faith or with God’s Word. If prayer isn’t answered, thenwe think that either our faith failed, Satan won, or God isn’t loving orpowerful enough. However, this discussion of cause and effect brings nocomfort, for at times, God’s character and work are a mystery (Rom. 11:33).

What about when our faith seems in vain? Hebrews 11:39 tells us thatits list of faith heroes “were all commended for their faith, yet none ofthem received what had been promised.” Faith is not measured by tangi-ble results alone. God is pleased with our faith—our trust in Him—evenwhen we don’t see any results. God is trustworthy, even when we don’tunderstand His answers.

During times of grief, it’s common to struggle with God’s goodness,love, or sovereignty. Let those struggles take their course; the truth willeventually triumph. Being honest with God doesn’t turn Him away, butbrings Him near—and may even speed the process of healing.

When a young child dies, the parents can beassured they will see their little one again. We

know the child is in heaven if he had not yetreached the age of accountability. The child mayalso have trusted Christ in spite of his youth.

When King David’s infant son died, hedeclared, “I will go to him” (2 Sam. 12:23).

David, a man after God’s heart, knew that hewould spend eternitywith the Lord, and thathis son would be withhim. Chuck Swindollputs it this way:

What about children who die before they gainthe ability to comprehend spiritual matters? Theanswer to this is embedded in 2 Samuel 12:23,where David makes the following comment con-cerning his infant son who has just died: “Ishall go to him, but he will not return to me.”David knew that he would see his child againwhen, following death, he entered into God’spresence. We also know that God’s heart is ten-der toward little children. Thus, we can beassured of the destiny of our little ones who diebefore they are capable of accepting Christ.5

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SCRIPTURES FORTHE GRIEVING

Deuteronomy 31:6Deuteronomy 33:27Psalm 23Psalm 46:1, 7Psalm 71:20–21Psalm 73:23Psalm 94:14Psalm 103:17Psalm 116:15Psalm 119:28, 50, 76Psalm 138:3Psalm 147:3Proverbs 3:5–6Isaiah 41:10, 17Isaiah 43:2, 3, 5Matthew 28:20John 6:37–39John 14:1Romans 8:38–392 Corinthians 1:3–42 Thessalonians 2:16–17Hebrews 6:16–19Hebrews 13:5Revelation 21:3–4

( When the deceased is a Christian, reassure thegrieving believer that he will see his belovedagain in heaven. Remind him of the hope Pauldescribes in 1 Thessalonians 4:13–14.

( When the deceased was not a believer and thecounselee is, the counselor faces a painfuldilemma. He cannot assure the believer thatshe will spend eternity with her beloved(Luke 16:22–26). He can, however, assure the

Hope for Those Who’ve Lost a Child

What to Say in Different SituationsWhen the counselee’s grief is caused by death, her pressing need is the hope that she will see her

loved one again.

counselee that the Comforter will sustain herduring this time of loss (2 Cor. 1:3–5).

( Sadly, if both the counselee and the deceasedare unbelievers, they face an eternity awayfrom God. Rely on the guidance of the HolySpirit to gently share the plan of salvation atthe appropriate time.

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GRIEF

Jesus Experienced GriefIsaiah 53:3–4 describes Jesus as a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. . . . Surely our griefs

He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried” (NASB). Jesus’ “heart went out [to the bereaved widow]”(Luke 7:13), as well as to the official in Cana whose son lay dying (John 4:43–54). Grief pierced His ownheart when His friend Lazarus died, even though He knew he would be resurrected (John 11:33–35). WhenHis cousin John the Baptist was executed, He “withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place” (Matt.14:13). And He grieved for His own life and pain in the Garden of Gethsemane as He anticipated Calvary.

Jesus is intimately acquainted with our grief. He also knows its expression is natural and healthy. InHis Sermon on the Mount, He said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matt. 5:4).

God Is GoodWe say we trust in God, but our trust in Him is tested

when unnerving circumstances threaten our security. It is atthese times that we wonder if God is really listening, if Hereally cares, if He is punishing us for some forgotten sin, orif He is just too busy to notice the storm that is threateningto sink our ship.

God is completely trustworthy, and He does not lose Hiswill, His plan, or His people in the midst of the storm. Centralto His very character is the faithful, unchanging quality thatcauses demons to tremble at the mention of His name.

I think about God’s trustworthiness in four descriptionsof His nature:• God is good (Mark 10:18).• God gives good gifts to His children (Matt. 7:9–11).• God works, in all things, for the good of those who love

Him (Rom. 8:28).• God intends good, though Satan, this world’s ills and the

sin within us may intend evil (Gen. 50:19–21).If we can grasp that picture, broad and deep and long

and high as it is, then we can grasp the breadth of God’ssovereignty. Nothing falls outside the realm of God’s good-ness or His ability to work good—even those circumstanceswhich seem, to us, impossible to bear.6

During times of grief,people tend to be open

to spiritual things. Oftenpastors and counselors

have unparalleledevangelistic opportunitiesduring these times. In the

face of death, seize theopportunity to present

God’s plan and invitationto eternal life.

HOPE FOR THESORROWING

In heaven, “He will wipe

every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death

or mourning or crying or

pain.” (Rev. 21:4)

S T E P T H R E E

Practical Helps for TodayFacilitate the grieving process, allowing it to run its full course.

G´àÑÖ ií a pÑëíéßÄã j÷ÆëçÑò fé´ w°àǪ táÑëÑ aëÑ né pÄì açíñûëí.Instead of resisting it, allow grief’s crucible to do its work. The fire is inescapable,

and accepting it speeds the process and helps the sufferer to emerge stronger,

more compassionate, and more fully healed.

DENIALThe first characteristic of grieving is denial.

When we speak of denial of a loved one’s death,we aren’t suggesting that he believes cognitivelythat this person hasn’t actually died. The scene ofthe deceased in a coffin being lowered into theground is too vivid to allow such fantasizing.

More than likely the counselee has detachedhimself emotionally from the reality of his loss inan effort to avoid the pain that will inevitably fol-low. But this only prolongs the ordeal. The coun-selor’s task, therefore, is to guide the counseleeaway from denial and allow the grieving processto continue.

Denial can be broken by encouraging the griev-ing person to talk about the events surrounding thedeath of their loved one and about the emotionsexperienced at each point along the way. Listenempathetically and thoughtfully without trying toresolve the problems that surface during the ses-sion. Let him move at his own pace from the wish-ful world of denial to the harsh world of reality.

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF GRIEF

Grief is a personal journey that will vary in intensity and length of time for each person. Counsel for thegrieving, therefore, should never be approached matter-of-factly or routinely. Certain emotional reactions arecommon to most who have suffered significant loss, and by becoming familiar with these a counselor canhelp a grieving person find their way through the labyrinth of grief without complications.

The counselor should help the counselee understand the emotional nature of grief during the first ses-sion. Doing so offers the counselor an opportunity to reassure the grieving person that her reactions arenatural and understandable.

AngerAs with denial, the grieving person needs

assurance that her angry feelings are normal andpart of the process that will eventually lead torecovery. Encourage her to express these emotionswithout guilt. She may be angry at everyone con-nected to the death of her loved one, even at theloved one who died. Affirm her expressions ofanger with statements like

• “You must feel very angry at the doctor whodidn’t diagnose your husband’s disease until itwas too late.”

• “It’s okay to feel angry at the man who causedthe accident that took your son’s life. I feelangry too!”

Encourage your counselee to express her angerfully. Later, she will need to resolve her resent-ments by forgiving those she feels were responsi-ble; not for their sakes, but for hers. (See chapter 46“Forgiveness.”)

DEPRESSIONRemind the depressed counselee that, like the

other stages, this too will come to an end. This nor-mal part of the grieving process will lead eventu-ally to a restored sense of well-being.

Your purpose as a counselor, therefore, is not topull him out of his depression, but to walk throughit with him. This crucial part of the process leads toclosure and recovery. Interfering with grieving willshort-circuit the process and prevent the naturalhealing God intended.

Give the counselee permission to feel pain andassure him that these feelings are not sinful orunspiritual. As a matter of fact, if the counseleeappears to be trying to fight off the depression, youwill want to help him move into a deeper state ofgrieving in order to avoid short-circuiting the

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The Ideal Depression Response 7

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GRIEF

Guilt and DepressionWhen the grieving counselee is in a

state of depression, be alert for signs offalse guilt. Depression is anger turnedinward. In the grieving process it maybecome angerat oneself for some failure the counseleebelieves has caused the death of his lovedone. A depressed counselee may believethat God has taken a loved one from thembecause of sin.

Help the grieving person think throughfalse guilt biblically. Where in Scripture doesGod punish His children by taking away theirloved ones in death?

In The Complete Life Encyclopedia, thiskind of thinking is called “self-referentialthinking.”8 It is the mistaken notion that every-thing that happens is somehow connected tooneself; that in some unexplainable way, theperson is responsible for any tragic loss. Butthe authors of this publication point out that

We are not the center of the universe,and all of life’s events do not revolvearound us. When loved ones die, it isnot our fault. It is just something thathappens in an unjust, fallen world.To take on the responsibility of anotherperson’s death, when we had nothingto do with that death, is to think self-centeredly and to take on false guilt.9

ACCEPTANCEEverything we have in this life is temporary

and must eventually be surrendered. The grievingperson should eventually come to terms with thistruth, learn to relinquish her loved one to the Lord,and discover how to go on with life without him.And with acceptance, glimpses of joy will start tobrighten her days once again. She will invest lessemotional energy in the memory of the deceasedand more energy in her relationships with thosewho are living.

process. Otherwise, the grieving time and intensitymay be prolonged beyond what is needed.

Studies show that those who give expression totheir grief, who are able to weep and talk about itwith others, do much better than those who sup-press their feelings. So prevent your counseleefrom running away from his grief by getting himto talk about it.

As a part of grief, the counselee may deal withguilt—true or false (see “Guilt and Depression” tothe right). Of course, true guilt needs to be con-fessed. But when false guilt surfaces, help thegrieving person see and acknowledge the error ofhis thinking.

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Some basic details need to be considered byfamily members when a loved one dies.

IMPORTANT DOCUMENTSDeath certificates—You may obtain these through

the funeral director or county clerk’s office. Youwill probably need about a dozen.

Will or trust—Contact your attorney within twoweeks in case the law requires that it be filed inprobate court.

Other documents—Determine which may beneeded (birth certificate, marriage license, titledeed to properties, car titles, and banking, sav-ings, and investment records.)

HELPFUL PEOPLEEmployer—Find out what benefits are yours, such

as life insurance, retirement program, continua-tion of health insurance, and stocks.

Insurance agent—The agent will be able to helpyou complete all necessary documents andassist you in collecting your benefits.

Social Security office—You may be eligible forcertain death and/or support benefits. Thesooner you begin the process, the sooner youwill receive your benefits.

For the Counselee

Taking Care of Details

For the CounselorDo let the counselee cry and release the nat-

ural emotions that accompany a loss. Do say “I’m so sorry,” but add something she

can respond to like, “I know how specialhe was to you,” or, “Is there somethingspecific I should be praying for?”

Do give him time. Grief operates on an indi-vidual timetable.

Do pray with her, but keep it brief, focusingon God’s understanding of her pain andthe fact that He will be her source of com-fort.

Do be assertive in your willingness to help.Ask yourself, “What would I need if I werein a similar situation?”

Don’t say much. Remember that Job’s friendscomforted him for seven days with theirsilence. It was when they opened theirmouths that they blew it. Just be there.

Don’t assume you know how he feels, even ifyou’ve experienced deep grief. Everyone’sjourney is unique.

Don’t try to answer when she asks, “Why?”Simply reply, “I wish I had an answer togive you.” Join her in the pain of the ques-tion.

Don’t quote Bible verses about what heshould be learning or to correct or mini-mize his feelings. Instead, share with himcomforting passages about God’s faithfullove.

Don’t forget her after her immediate grief hassubsided. Months later, she will still needcomfort and a listening ear.

Suicide—Death withPainful Implications

Overwhelming guilt is often the reactionof the family and friends of one who hastaken his own life. If ordinary death pro-duces guilt over lost opportunities to bekind, to intervene in loneliness, or to showaffection, how much more this particulardeath . . .

Supportive friends . . . are to a greatdegree the key to healing this grievouswound. But the survivor must also dis-cover the secret of committing the past toGod, to find forgiveness (for real or imag-ined guilt) from God.10

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The loss of a family memberis a family affair. Probe your

counselee’s family health. Helpthem to know how to come togetherin their grief, rather than letting it

destroy their home.

Guard against Clichésin Your Counsel

“Be strong” clichés: “You must be strong for your children.”“You’ve just got to get a hold of yourself!”“This is nature’s way.”

“Hurry up” clichés:“Time will heal.”“Life goes on.”“No sense dwelling on the past.”

Guilt clichés:“If you look around, you can always find

someone worse off than yourself.”“Count your blessings.”“Think of all your precious memories.”

God clichés:“God needs him more than you do.”“He is happy now, because he’s with God.”“God did this to show how powerful He can

be in your life.”“It was God’s will.”“God never gives us more than we can

handle.”“God helps those who help themselves.”

Discount clichés:“I know just how you feel.”“Silence is golden.”“If there is anything I can do, just call me.”“You can have more children.”“It’s better to have loved and lost than never

to have loved at all.” 11

KEEP IN MIND

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Grief Comes in All Sizes—Sometimes “Extra-Small”

Children experience deep grief too. In a recent survey,children aged eight to fourteen said that their greatest fearwas “that my parents might die.” 13 Employ these suggestionsto help them grieve:

m Use the experience of other losses (like the death of a pet)to help them understand what’s happening now.

m Seek to understand their reactions. Allow tears, anger, andsadness, but don’t demand or expect specific expressionsof grief.

m Keep a normal routine as much as possible. Children needstability and familiarity.

m Reassure them about the future, especially concerningfinances, home, and school.

m Be truthful and encourage their questions.

m Be alert to their fears: of sleep, of sickness, or of anotherloved one’s death.

m Share and reinforce positive memories of the one whodied. Give them a possession or picture of their loved oneas a keepsake.

m Accept the help and comfort they offer in return.14

Remember that it’s not loss itself, but the behavior of theadults around them that determines whether the pain willadversely affect them.

For the Counselee

HEALTHY GRIEVING To grieve properly is not to forget

the lost one, for death does notend a relationship. Instead, propergrief lets go of the one lost sothat new relationships andattachments can be made.

Healthy grieving allows room forboth old memories and newdreams to exist together. Remem-bering fondly the events andpeople of our past while continu-ing to build new relationshipswith new experiences is whatlife’s all about.

Adjustment to loss cannot be madeinstantly. It will come onlythrough a commitment to livingyour life to the fullest, one dayat a time. Experience all the joy,sadness, sorrow, peace, quiet-ness, anger, and forgiveness thatlife has to offer.

Today’s pain has a vital purpose,allowing you to say good-bye toliving in the past so you can livein the present and build ahealthy future.12

S T E P F O U R

Lifetime Principles for GrowthOffer long-term wisdom in equipping the individual, the family,

and the church in preparing for life’s losses.

The grieving is not over after the first few weeks.There will still be periods of sorrow that recur inthe following months, even years. These shouldgradually diminish in duration and intensity; how-ever, this improvement will not show as a straightline on a chart. There will be irregular peaks andvalleys. The grieving person should be madeaware of this to prevent him from becoming dis-couraged and thinking he has returned to squareone. The graph on the following page is typicaland may prepare him for future setbacks.

A support group will be a valuable componentfor this phase of the recovery process. Help thegrieving person enlist a small circle of close friendsand/or relatives who can listen, pray, and be avail-able on those occasions when the depressionbecomes too severe to handle alone. If the counse-lee’s relatives are not suited to this, remind him toturn to friends in the body of Christ.

The gospel of Matthew illustrates this point.On one occasion the mother of Jesus and some of

Grief’s Intensity and Duration Will Vary

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SAYING GOOD-BYEGrief cannot be completed until you

say good-bye. For the Christian whoburies another Christian, it’s “good-byefor now,” but it still is an end to the cur-rent relationship.The funeral is the first formal step in

saying good-bye. Seeing, touching,and burying the body can all be avery healthy beginning to sayinggood-bye.

Visiting the grave may be a part of theprocess. The bereaved may not staylong, but for the first weeks andmonths, they may want to just bethere. They may rearrange the flow-ers or clean the grave marker. Theymay pray or talk out loud to theirloved one. This is part of letting go,though their compulsion to visit thegrave should decrease with time.

Writing a letter may also be helpful insaying good-bye. Pouring out all thewords and emotions they want tocommunicate to the deceased maybe cleansing. Formally saying good-bye to the one who left them behindmay help end this unfinished part ofthe grieving process. Encourage themto write a letter to God, telling Him oftheir loss and asking for His help.

his brothers sought Him out to speak with Him.His response is very interesting. He said:

‘’Who is my mother, and who are my broth-ers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said,‘’Here are my mother and my brothers. Forwhoever does the will of my Father inheaven is my brother and sister andmother.” (Matt. 12:48–50)

Here Jesus states that those who’ve believed inHim have a new family, one that can help meettheir needs. It would be nice, of course, if naturalfamily members were always supportive. Butwhen they can’t be counted on, one’s spiritual fam-ily can be called on to be so.

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Taking the Risk to Love AgainThose who suffered greatly through the grieving process

may be reluctant to cultivate any new close relationships. Theymay fear that these too will be lost, leaving them exposed onceagain to the painful onslaught of grief. When you see this inyour counselee’s behavior during the months that follow theinitial counseling sessions, arrange a session or two to help herpast these fears. Acknowledge that loss is always a risk. Butremind her as well that life without close relationships is adreary one indeed and that intimacy is worth the risk. ColinPark says it well: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”16

Point out to your counselee that she can be better preparedfor loss, should it happen. Learning new and healthier commu-nication skills helps reduce the pain of future losses. For exam-ple, the grieving process becomes less complicated when rela-tional issues are addressed promptly this side of the grave.Likewise, expressions of love can be spoken today instead oftomorrow, when it may be too late.

As Christians, the greatest resource we have to see usthrough life’s sorrows is Christ, our great Shepherd. Cultiva-ting a closer, more intimate relationship with Him will prepareus for loss as nothing else can. He is still the sole source of allcomfort. Notice how Isaiah prophesied about Christ:

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,to proclaim freedom for the captives . . .to comfort all who mourn . . .to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness

instead of mourning, and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.(Isa. 61:1–3)

2 Weeks

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1

Typical Variations in Grief’s Intensity15

Dobson, James C. When God Doesn’t Make Sense.Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale Publishing House, 2001.

Kinnaman, Gary. My Companion through Grief:Comfort for Your Darkest Hours. Ventura, Calif.:Vine Books, 1996.

Lewis, C. S. A Grief Observed. Grand Rapids, Mich.:Zondervan Publishing House, 2001.

Reinsmith, A. M. Brady. Surviving Grief: 30Questions and Answers for a Time of Loss. ValleyForge, Penn.: Judson Press, 2001.

Schweibert, Pat, and Chuck DeKlyen. Tear Soup: ARecipe for Healing after Loss. Portland, Ore.: GriefWatch, 2d rev. ed., 2001.

Tada, Joni Eareckson. Heaven: Your Real Home.Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan PublishingHouse, 1997.

Wiersbe, David W. Gone But Not Lost: Grieving theDeath of a Child. Grand Rapids, Mich.: BakerBook House, 1992.

Worden, J. William. Grief Counseling and GriefTherapy: A Handbook for the Mental HealthPractitioner. New York, N.Y.: SpringerPublishing, 2d ed., 1991.

Wunnenberg, Kathe. Grieving the Loss of a LovedOne. Grand Rapids, Mich.: ZondervanPublishing House, 2000.

Yancey, Philip. Where Is God When It Hurts? Rev.and updated. Grand Rapids, Mich.: ZondervanPublishing House, 1997.

Zonnebelt, Susan J., and Robert C. DeVries. Gettingto the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of aSpouse. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker BookHouse, 1998.

Web Site Resource

GriefShare. This ministry includes curriculum tohelp churches form grief recovery supportgroups. Extensive network of churches is pro-vided. www.griefshare.org.

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GRIEF

Homework

Keep a personal journal of theadjustments you make during yourtime of grieving. This will provide arecord you can review when you don’tperceive you are making any progress.It represents tangible proof you aremaking observable headway on yourjourney back to wholeness. Journalinghas a proven track record as a tool forhealing and growth.

Your journal entries might start outlike this:

• My biggest struggle right nowis . . .

• The worst thing about my lossis . . .

• The most important thing I’velearned is . . .

• I get angry when . . .

A Word from ChuckThe pain of someone very near becomes so real

you can taste it. The pain stabs deep and perhapsyour first thought is, “Oh, how my heart goes out to______________!” Your second thought is, “What canI do to help? What would be the best expression oflove, compassion and sympathy?”

Those who comfort must have a tender heart ofunderstanding. They don’t come to quote verses orleave a stack of literature. They come simply to saythey care. Nor do they attempt to erase today’s hurtby emphasizing tomorrow’s hope. They are commit-ted to the support, the understanding of the grieving.Few things heal wounded spirits better than thebalm of a supportive embrace.

Like Jesus with the sisters of Lazarus in the cru-cible of grief, be real (Jesus wept), be quiet (He tooktheir angry rebukes), be supportive (He was deeplymoved), be available (He stayed by their side). Nobig sermons, no leaflets, no attempts to correct theirmisunderstandings, not even a frown that suggesteddisapproval. Killing this giant takes time! Our Lordbelieved, as we should, that we are healed of griefonly when we express it to the full.17

Resources

460

1. Archibald D. Hart, Counseling the Depressed, vol. 5.Resources for Christian Counseling series, gen. ed. Gary R.Collins (Dallas, Tex.: Word Publishing, 1987), p. 77. Used bypermission of Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved.

2. Hart, Counseling the Depressed, p. 77.

3. J. William Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: AHandbook for the Mental Health Professional (New York, N.Y.:Springer Publishing, 2d ed., 1991), pp. 10, 13, 14, 16.

4. Based on H. Norman Wright, Recovering from the Losses of Life,(Grand Rapids, Mich.: Fleming H. Revell Co., 1993) pp. 64–68.

5. Growing Deep in the Christian Life: Returning to Our Roots,study guide based on the original outlines, charts, and tran-scripts of Charles R. Swindoll, written by Bill Butterworth(Fullerton, Calif.: Insight for Living, 1987), p. 135.

6. Shelly Chapin, Within the Shadow: A Biblical Look at Suffering,Death, and the Process of Grieving (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books,1991), pp. 17–18.

7. Hart, Counseling the Depressed, p. 81

8. Frank Minirth, Paul Meier, and Stephen Arterburn, TheComplete Life Encyclopedia: A Minirth Meier New Life FamilyResource (Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1995),p. 318. Reprinted by permission of Thomas Nelson, Inc. Allrights reserved.

9. Minirth, Meier, and Arterburn, The Complete LifeEncyclopedia, p. 318.

10. Joseph Baily, The Last Thing We Talk About, rev. ed. (Elgin,Ill.: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1973), pp. 73–74.

11. Adapted from Erin Linn, I Know Just How You Feel: Avoidthe Clichés of Grief (Cary, Ill.: Publisher Mark, 1986), pp. xii–xiii,as cited by Gary D. Kinnaman, My Companion through Grief:Comfort for Your Darkest Hours (Ann Arbor, Mich.: ServantPublications, Vine Books, 1996), pp. 101–102.

12. Charlotte Greeson, Mary Hollingsworth, and Michael P.Washburn, Grief Adjustment Guide: A Pathway through Pain(Sisters, Ore.: Questar Publishers, 1990), p. 82.

13. Doris Sanford, “Grief Comes in All Sizes” in DiscipleshipJournal, issue 52, July–August 1989, p. 54.

14. Adapted from “How to Help a Bereaved Child,” MildredTengborn, The Lutheran Standard, as cited in Greeson, Hollings-worth, and Washburn, Grief Adjustment Guide, pp. 168–169.

15. Glen W. Davidson, Understanding Mourning (Minneapolis,Minn.: Augsburg Publishing House, 1984), p. 59, as adaptedby Wright, Recovering from the Losses of Life, p. 59.

16. Colin Park, The Lonely Journey: Hope for Those in the Valleyof Grief audiocassette message (Grand Rapids, Mich.: RadioBible Class, 1996), tape 1.

17. Charles R. Swindoll, Killing Giants, Pulling Thorns (GrandRapids, Mich.: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), pp. 52–54.

NOTES

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