Here are some articles written by Susan Polyot from previous issues of

Encore Bride Magazine, an online magazine of thoughts, reflections, suggestions and

opinions for re-wedding brides.

A current edition of this online magazine can be found at

encorebridemagazine.com

You may contact Susan at admin@encorebridemagazine.com.

We are very interested in hearing from you! What do you think of these articles? Let us

know.

Gifts: Thanks or No Thanks?

The "gifts issue" can be difficult for encore brides.  It comes down to this: What do you do about receiving gifts from wedding guests?  Do you go through the registry process, do you tell people you want to forgo gifts altogether, or do you sidestep the issue, do nothing at all, and get what you get?  

The answer depends largely on your personal situation.  Some encore brides are well equipped with household items.  They've already got their silver and china, and are established in their home.  Others, by contrast, have left their previous marriage with very little and are literally starting over.  In some cases, the groom, or his family, may want to participate in a traditional registry, particularly if he has not been married previously.  You've got to start by assessing your situation, and decide accordingly, keeping in mind that registries are designed to help new couples establish their home.  If your friends and family bought you a fine china service for eight two years ago when you got married, you may want to pass up the traditional registry now.  Manners and good taste trump all.

If you don't need to establish a home, then don't register.  But, if you want your guests to know which items you and your groom are going to need as you merge households, registering can be a very good idea.  Since you re not just starting out, you likely have some basics.  Perhaps you don't need another toaster or blender, but you could use some cookware.  That's where registering comes in handy.  But if you decide to register, it is never in good form to include this

information with your invitation, despite what the registry service told you.  It is becoming quite popular for larger department stores to "assist" you by providing registration announcements as an invitation insert.  This is to help you get things you need, they say.  It is to boost their sales, I say.  A wedding invitation should never be a plea for gifts.  It is an invitation to share in your celebration.  Tradition has made weddings gift giving occasions, but consider how tacky it is to suggest that a gift is necessary when you extend the invitation.  

As in any wedding, friends and family should be the ones to answer the question of where are you registered.  Regardless of your decision on gift handling, don't let being an encore bride trample proper etiquette.

For a number of reasons, an encore bride may decide she prefers to have no wedding gifts.  She may feel awkward about having guests bring gifts to an encore wedding, or she may be well established enough in her own home that the presence of friends and family is gift enough.  Again, any mention of gifts in your invitations, either for or against, is not in keeping with etiquette.  Instead, you can spread the word by voicing your preference through family and close friends.  But if a gift is presented at the reception, accept it graciously…and remember to write a prompt and gracious thank you note.  

One exception to this rule, I believe, is the wedding that is a small gathering exclusively attended by close friends and immediate family.  In that case—and I know I'm bucking convention here—you could

exercise a little more informality and clearly state your preference for no gifts if you so choose.  In all events, it remains important to not have it seem that the occasion is really about the gifts.

The Honeymoon: Just You, Me, and the Kids

A honeymoon is the symbol of the bride and groom beginning their new life together as a couple.  By tradition, it's an intimate, romantic getaway; a special time to be shared by two people.  But, for encore couples, honeymoon plans can be a challenge if children are involved in your new marriage.  

Is it strictly taboo for the children to go on your honeymoon? No, not necessarily, if you follow a few basic guidelines, do some research, and take everyone's interests into consideration as you make your plans.

If you are viewing your marriage as the blending and celebration of a new family configuration, you may have already decided that you wouldn't dream of starting your new life without the kids. Or perhaps, it's more of a practical matter. There may be no one to care for the children while the two of you run off to an exotic location. Whatever the reason, if you decide to bring the children, it is important to consider them as you and your fiancé make decisions about your honeymoon destination.

Many resorts offer programs for children that will keep them busy during the day, leaving some "alone time" for you and your new spouse. These programs may be available on a full or half day basis.  There is usually a cost involved, even at some all inclusive resorts, so make sure you are fully aware of all costs up front, and learn about the specific activities that will be offered.  Check into those details before you firm up your plans. Also, check in with the kids.  Make sure the plans include things your children will be interested in.

Larger resorts may have evening babysitting services available, provided by trained babysitters. Often, the babysitter is not an adult, but may be an older adolescent who has been screened by the hotel. Ask ahead of time what training and screening has been provided. This service is useful if your children are too young to be left alone but the two of you want to plan a romantic dinner at the hotel restaurant and will be on site.   It is critical that the two of you plan some time alone, and make sure your children are aware of this ahead of time.  This is important, not just for the two of you, but for your children as well. They need to recognize the two of you are a couple, not just parents. Your relationship with each other needs to be primary, and the two of you need to role model that for your children. Without this, once the honeymoon is over, step parenting will be a much harder task if your kids see a weak link in the two of you, and haven't been taught to view you as a couple.

And so...What about sex?  Whether the children are sharing a room with you, sharing a suite, or in an adjoining room, if you and your fiancé discuss and plan this now, you may avoid frustration later. Take advantage of those daytime programs for children, and plan accordingly!  Arrange for a babysitter from the hotel to watch the children at the pool, or some other activity.  You can let the kids know you are going to be having private time without going into details.  Kids don't have to be a deterrent to an active honeymoon!

Can "Honeymoon" and "Budget" Go Together?

Yes!   

Your honeymoon is about time away for the two of you. It's a chance to pause and reflect on your new beginning. And that time doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive.  A honeymoon for an encore bride can be different than for first time brides. In addition to budget concerns, children and time constraints are often considerations. We have discussed in a previous issue taking kids on the honeymoon (yes, it can be done, see archives), so we will reserve this discussion for budget issues.  A recent article I read stated that the average cost of a honeymoon is $3,000 -$5,000. But there are many options for $1,000 or less.  If you have time restrictions, consider a Bed and Breakfast Inn within driving distance. Some B & B's offer a honeymoon package with an upgraded room, as well as welcome treats such as a bottle of champagne. Many B&B's have shared baths, so ask. A honeymoon is a good reason to splurge on a private bath option.  A luxurious inn can be a fabulous treat for a honeymoon, something you wouldn't ordinarily do. Prices can range from under $100 to just about any price per night, depending on when and where you go. Staying 3 days at a great B& B makes a nice honeymoon for under $1,000, including a nice dinner at a local restaurant. These are generally not places to take the kids, but for a short stay for the two of you, perfect.  Often located in scenic spots such as oceanside or mountainside, they can also be very romantic. Find a list of B&B's through your travel agent or online through your state's tourism office.

Summer wedding?  How about renting a lake front camp?  Rentals can often be a cost effective option to a resort, and are frequently available by the week, again, well under the cost of an average honeymoon. You will likely have to stock the cabitnets with your own groceries, and sometimes linens, but the savings are often significant. A private lake front home for your honeymoon can also be a great family vacation if you have children with you.  For rentals, check lake associations, local realtors, or the local tourism office. Be specific about what you are looking for, the number of bedrooms want, indoor bath or not, and the amenities you want included.  You wouldn't want a honeymoon with the kids, only to find out "sleeps 6" means altogether in a loft. Remember, it is a honeymoon.

If you want a resort style honeymoon, significant savings can be found by traveling off-season, or by scouting for last minute fares. This requires some flexibility in time and destination, but can be worth significant savings. Check out budgettravelonline.com for ideas on the best travel savings each month, or consult your travel agent.

How about registering for your honeymoon? Encore brides generally don't need traditional wedding registry gifts. A honeymoon registry can be established through many travel agencies, or directly through the place you will be staying. You pick the place, secure the basic reservation, and guests then choose the extras: spa package for the two of you, dinner gift certificates, champagne delivered to the room, whatever amenities you have registered for. There are also registries that allow guests to contribute toward the actual price of

the honeymoon. As with any registry, do not direct your guests to the registry, let them ask.

Your honeymoon is an important part of your encore wedding plan.  Whether you can spare just 1 night or 3 weeks, take time to honor your new marriage and your new spouse by taking time for the two of you. You can plan a wonderful, romantic time without breaking the bank.

To Theme or Not to Theme

Winter is a perfect time for a theme wedding.  The holidays make a pre-decorated backdrop for an encore

bride.     

An encore bride is often looking for an elegant, but smaller setting for her wedding. Christmas, New Year,

and Valentines Day make for an easy theme to incorporate such a setting.  Many hotels, resorts and

bed and breakfast inns are beautifully decorated for the holidays.  It makes planning your encore wedding

decorations no muss, no fuss.  It is also a great budget boost. The decorations already in place allow you to spend virtually nothing extra on room decorations.  

The idea of a theme wedding is something first time brides may shy away from, wanting to pick a theme, or

colors for her wedding that may not lend itself to a holiday motif. For encore brides who may want

something less traditional, a winter theme may offer just the right ambiance. A holiday themed wedding can be a celebration of family and friends already gathered for the holidays.  Often, an encore bride may not feel she can ask people to incur the expense of travel if they have family and friends out of town. Encore

brides typically have family and friends with job and family commitments different than the first time bride in her twenties. Family and friends often return home

for the holidays, making it an ideal way to include people you would like to.  

The dressIf you are considering a holiday theme, this is a time of year when off the rack formal wear is in abundance.   

There are many choices for a dress in a multitude of colors, from winter white to reds. Styles are also in

abundance from shorter, informal wear to long evening style gowns.  There are many pant ensembles in styles

and colors very fitting for an elegant encore bridal look.  If you have children who will be participating in the event, there is also a wonderful selection of children's wear available at a fraction of the cost of bridal salon

prices. Some are even in available in non holiday colors, a good time to look for children's wear even for

an upcoming wedding later in the year.

The flowersA simple bouquet of white roses with sprigs of holly makes a wonderful choice for a holiday or New Year

wedding.  For do it yourselfers, it is also an easy bouquet to assemble. For a February, or Valentines

Day wedding, a bouquet of a single red rose with white ribbon is understated and beautiful.  There are many flower choices available in red and white, a perfect

color combination for a holiday wedding.  

The tableThe holidays make it easy to have a beautifully decorated table at minimal expense.  If you are

planning a sit down meal for your reception, ask the function manager to use gold plate chargers and plain

white place settings. It adds instant color, with a festive feel.  Red, green and silver chargers are in abundance in discount stores if you want to add more of a holiday

theme. Silver is a great choice for a new years wedding. The red chargers are especially fitting for a valentine's wedding. If you are planning a February

wedding, often red chargers are available at deep discounts right after Christmas. A good time to

purchase for your upcoming wedding.  They can be used for each guest, as accents at a buffet table, or for

serving desserts.From right after Thanksgiving to New Years,

Poinsettias make a beautiful centerpiece. They are available at many florists, but can also be purchased at your local grocer for a fraction of the cost.  Placed in a basket, or decorated pot, the grocery store poinsettias

are just as beautiful a centerpiece as the more expensive florist poinsettias. Poinsettias can be a fussy plant, so ask about transporting to be sure they arrive

at your reception in top shape.

Holiday themes also offer many wedding favor choices. Encore brides looking for less traditional

favors will find many ideas to compliment a theme wedding. There are many specialty chocolates available

in both Christmas and Chanukah themes. Christmas ornaments make a great favor and are available in any

price range.  Ornaments can be an extension of the holiday theme, or a theme of their own. For example,

if you are getting married at the ocean, consider a beach themed ornament. Local historical societies or

attractions often have locally themed ornaments available as fundraisers, and often discounts are

available when buying in bulk. Again, even if you are not planning a winter theme wedding, local ornaments make a great, non traditional favor for encore weddings

at any time of year. This is the time to inquire about availability and discount pricing for a future wedding.  

For February weddings, heart shaped candy is in abundance and can be packaged at home for beautiful

favors, or table accompaniment.

The venue

There is an abundance of venues to choose from during the holidays. Inns, bed and breakfasts are often

a good choice. Many are beautifully decorated, and have function rooms large enough to accommodate a small to mid size encore wedding. Many resorts are open through the holidays, and some offer discount

pricing through the winter, ideal for the February bride.

For the encore bride looking toward a smaller, more intimate setting, consider having a home wedding.

Your home is likely decorated for the holidays, and a buffet is an easy set up for your guests. This is a time

of year when party platters and food selections are widely available. Consider a caterer for a small

gathering in your home. The price is usually consistent with that of a fine restaurant. If you are having a home

wedding, consider hiring a professional cleaning service for both before and after the event. It allows you to

relax, and enjoy your event. Many encore brides who plan home weddings find the task of getting the house

ready, and the cleanup the most stressful part of the planning.  

Often encore brides do not opt for a traditional reception. A dessert and champagne reception is

perfect for the holidays, and can be accommodated either in or out of the home.  If you want a home reception, but don't have the space, holidays are a perfect time for an open house dessert reception. It allows people to come and go throughout specified times, and allows you to have a private exchange of vows ceremony separate from the reception, often a

choice of encore brides.

The holidays can be a perfect time of year for an

encore wedding. The decorations are in abundance, the theme is established, and family and friends are

gathered. It can also be ideal for the encore bride on a budget, since many of the decorating is in place, and the dress selection is varied and widely available. If you're an encore bride looking for a non- traditional

setting, this may be just what you are looking for.

Step Parenting

The question for many encore brides isn't "Will we or won't we have children?", but "What do we do with the ones we have?" Encore couples ask, "How will having another adult in the home affect our children?" and "How will children affect our marriage?"  

Being a stepparent or having a stepparent enter your children's lives is a challenge.  How involved the new stepparent will be depends on several factors, including the age of the children, the relationship with your co-parent, and how involved the stepparent wants to be.

Any time one is entering a relationship where children are involved, it is assumed the children are a priority. It is unrealistic to think otherwise. If you have visions of long, uninterrupted romantic days and nights, step parenting may not be for you.  If, on the other hand, you have visions of stolen minutes, sometimes hours, occasionally days, and rarely weeks of uninterrupted time with your loved one, you are on the right track.

Children may welcome a stepparent or resist the idea. Some of this depends on how this person was brought into their life. If children view the person as the reason mom and dad are no longer together, they may try to sabotage the relationship. If they view the new relationship as the reason to lose hope of reconciliation between mom and dad, they also may resist. On the other hand if a stepparent is introduced gradually over time to the children, they may have an easier time of getting used to the concept of a stepparent. It is a good idea to talk to your children and give them a chance to express how they feel. One thing to keep in mind with

children (as with grownups!) is they don't always say what thy really mean. You may have to listen, observe behavior, and watch for inconsistencies. Often, children are afraid of having a new parent in the home, not sure of how it will affect them. Offer reassurance that it won't make them any less important, and then demonstrate that.

DisciplineStepparents can take an active or inactive role in discipline, again often depending on the age of the children. The younger the child, the more immediate discipline needs to be in order for it to be meaningful and appropriate to the infraction. In cases of young children, waiting for the mom or dad to address a situation may not be an option. In these situations, a stepparent may need free access to discipline in ways consistent with those of the parent, whenever needed. Younger children need immediate discipline so they can connect the discipline to the event. Their cognitive thinking and memory skills are such that delayed discipline does not have as profound a meaning.

Stepparents may also need to be granted at least limited decision making power in the absence of the parent. Big decisions should be discussed with all concerned including the stepparent (s) and both parents.  

For older children—those preteen and older—discipline can often be postponed until such time as a discussion involving all parties takes place. For older children, discipline is often related to a household rule violation and can wait until a later time.

If you have sole responsibility for your children, you

have a different step parenting relationship than in cases where there is a shared parental responsibility with a co-parent. Stepparents are not replacement parents, but they can act as an extension and support of the parent in the home. And they can certainly play a role in helping to establish family rules and expectations.

Some rules for stepparents:•       Never ever speak badly in front of the child    about the child's other parent (no matter what    you may think.)•       Always respect the relationship with both parents    and extended family.•       Don't expect to be called mom or dad.•       Treat all the children equally—yours, mine and    ours. No child is more or less important than    another.•       Respect the child's need for alone time with    his/her parent, and don't always insist on being    included in day-to-day activities.•       Respect a child's need for his or her own space.    This is especially important in stepfamilies.•       Always keep conflicts about children a private    discussion; don't fight about the kids in front of    the kids.•       Make opportunities for family activities that are    fun!

If you are becoming a stepparent, or marrying someone who is, having a discussion about family expectations, parenting beliefs and discipline methods prior to the marriage is critical.  Too often, this is something encore couples assume will fall into place.

Not the case! Knowing where you both stand will avoid conflicts down the road.

Destination: Anywhere

Destination weddings have become increasingly popular in recent years, marketed as a combined wedding and honeymoon with one-stop convenience and a beautiful location all rolled into one package. As with many products in the bridal industry, they are often marketed as a "paradise" wedding to first time brides, a perfect beginning to a perfect life. As an encore bride you know that may not quite be the case. But, can a destination wedding be a good option for an encore bride?   Absolutely. Destination weddings can offer an encore bride a number of great options.

Who gets to goEncore brides often worry about who should (and shouldn't) comprise the guest list. Planning a destination wedding can ease that worry. A destination wedding can include just the two of you, and either one or two close friends and family, or no one.  Most places that offer destination weddings also provide witnesses for the ceremony, if needed.

More decisions made easyIf you are planning a honeymoon, getting married at your honeymoon site offers a one stop planning option.  You deal with one person, one place, and one source for all of your planning. A great option if you don't have a lot of time to devote to planning. Encore couples often feel conflicted about what their wedding should be: Small or large, what venue, and how many guests. A destination wedding can answer many of those

questions. By traveling to a far off locale, you are deciding that your wedding will likely be a small intimate affair. You eliminate questions like do we invite Aunt Millie to another wedding, do we include office mates, and other questions related to the planning.

The term destination wedding often conjures up tropical locations, beach front weddings with an ocean backdrop. While that can be the case, a destination wedding can include anyplace you and your groom would like it to. Maybe the idea of a ski vacation honeymoon really appeals to you. A destination wedding can be at a mountainside chapel just as easily as at an Oceanside resort. Or maybe you have always dreamed of a Paris honeymoon.  Most places you can think of will help you plan your wedding, and often provide a few extras such as champagne and a small cake, and often a room upgrade.

What you need to doThere are some things to consider when planning a destination wedding.  First, make sure you know what documentation you will need from your home state, and from the destination.  Usually this is not cumbersome, but can be a major hassle if you do not have the required documentation upon arrival at the destination. You may have to arrive a day or two early to get the necessary papers in place, especially in foreign countries.  Also, be sure to ask what travel documents you will need, such as a passport, in addition to wedding documents. If you are planning a cruise wedding, contact the cruise company directly.

Always ask about fees.  There may be government and administration fees of $500 or more, depending on the destination. Sometimes these are waived by the resort if you are staying seven nights or longer. Ask.  If you are planning a honeymoon anyway, often the added fees for the ceremony offer significant cost savings over planning a more traditional wedding and reception, even for a small (50 people or less) celebration.

Destination weddings are most often civil ceremonies, so if a religious ceremony is important to you, you may not opt for a destination option. A religious ceremony can be done, but may require a little more planning and research on your part.  And be aware that getting married in a foreign location doesn't allow you to skip the religious requirements. A catholic wedding, for example still would require you to undergo pre-cana counseling, which can be done where you live. But, you would be required to show proof of this from your priest, and show proof of your previous marriage annulment.

Pick a place that appeals to you and your groom. Make sure the place you are going offers the activities you want, and has the amenities you want.  If children will be accompanying you, chose a resort, hotel or cruise that is not couples only.  Many resorts that market destination weddings, especially in the Caribbean, are couples only, and children are absolutely not allowed. For tips on including you children in your honeymoon, see archives.

Work with a travel agent. While many travel plans and wedding plans can be made via the internet, working with an experienced travel agent can be a big help in choosing the right location for your personal preferences. Travel agents often know the reputation of places you might be considering, or know of a great property that has everything you want, that you may not be aware of.

Destination EtiquetteWhat if you really want your best friend at your wedding in Barbados?  

Certainly you can invite others along for your trip.  It is not an obligation for them to attend, however.

You may think this is a great idea – a shared vacation with one or two other couples. Always let people know it is an option. It may not be how they choose to spend their vacation funds, or their vacation time. Saying no is not a slight to you; it is simply a choice for them. Be careful about putting too much pressure on friends to attend, friendships shouldn't be strained because someone doesn't opt to spend a significant amount of money on a vacation they didn't choose. If it is very important to you to have someone special there, either offer to pay for at least a portion of their expense, or opt for something other than a destination wedding.

Pack your bags and have a great time!

Destination Dress                     So, you think a destination wedding is right for you. But what about the dress? How do you travel with a wedding dress?  It can be done with a few considerations. First, is a dress the right attire?  For some encore brides, getting married on the beach in a bathing suit and sarong is their idea of perfection.  If this is your plan, don't wait until you arrive at your destination to choose your attire. You may assume that because it is a beach destination, choices will be abundant. Maybe, but not always, and not always something that fits your vision of the look you want. Shop ahead of time, and be sure fit and style work for you.

For those choosing a less casual option, again shop ahead of time.  Chose a dress that is appropriate for your destination. If you are planning a Caribbean destination, that can be anything from a sundress to a more formal tea length gown. Decide what you would be comfortable in, and plan accordingly. Have any alterations done ahead of time, and ask for your dress to be prepared by a professional for travel.  Depending on fabric, this means cleaning and pressing or steaming as needed, and packing in a garment bag. At the airport tell the check in attendant what you have, and ask that it be hung, rather than checked.  If your dress is a more formal gown, ask that it be boxed by the retailer, or alterations person. They will know how to pack it appropriately with tissue and to fold with the minimal amount of wrinkling. You may have to check the box depending on size, but again make sure the check baggage attendants

know the contents and can mark the box as fragile and to handle with care. Plan to bring a portable steamer if your dress fabric can not be pressed once you are at your destination.

For the groom, a suit may be appropriate and can be packed in a suitcase with relative ease. Look for a bag with a "suiter" option if possible. This feature allows you to hang the suit in your bag and fold minimally. Casual pants and shirt, or even shorts may also be an option, depending on what the bride will wear. Match the level of formality for each for you. And don't forget to pack shoes for whatever the option. Flip-flops and a suit may not be the look you are going for, but shoes are easy to overlook as you pack for the post ceremony vacation.

Plan your dress for your destination, chose a fabric isn't too fussy, and can pack with minimal preparation. If you are planning a destination other than the Caribbean, plan to chose a dress or other attire that fits seasonally with your trip as well. Protect your dress from the contents of your bag by making sure all liquids are in sealable plastic bags in the event of spilling.

Happy travels!

Unique Etiquette Questions for Encore Weddings Encore brides often have etiquette questions that first time brides don't have to face: How to word invitations, who to invite, registry issues, and other questions of formality. There are many etiquette books for brides available, and many of the topics will apply to encore brides as well. This edition of encore bride will attempt to answer some of the specific dilemmas facing encore brides, and some of the more common questions posed to us here at Encore Bride.

Invitations:Do I need to send an invitation? Can I send e-vites? Who sends the invitation?

A traditional invitation is sent by the bride's parents, with a more contemporary version including the groom's parents. Traditionally, this is done because the bride's parents are hosting the event. In an encore wedding, the couple is usually hosting the event. They are financially responsible for the event and assume most of the planning details traditionally reserved for parents and attendants. An encore wedding is still a special event and invitations should always be sent if your guest list includes more than immediate family. A common question is how to word the invitation. An invitation should come from whoever is hosting the event. If the couple is hosting, as with most encore weddings, it would read as: Jane Doe and Robert Smith invite you to…or, request the honour of your presence…whatever wording you chose to follow. The brides name is listed first, followed by the groom's name. If the couples parent's are hosting, but you would like to make a distinction from a first marriage, an acceptable wording would be: The Doe and Smith families request …. If the groom's family only is hosting: Mr. and Mrs. Smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Jane Doe to Their son,

Robert Smith. The bride is still listed first. Children should not be listed as hosts on an invitation.

Some encore brides opt for a private ceremony followed by a reception. If that is the case, the invitation should be clear about what guests are being invited to attend. Such as: Jane Doe and Robert Smith invite you to join them in a celebration of their marriage at a brunch reception following a private exchange of vows. Again, whoever is hosting the event would be identified as those who are extending the invitation for attendance.

An invitation can be as formal or informal as you would like, but the invitation should match the event. If you are hosting a formal event, a formal invitation should be sent. If the event is more casual, a casual invitation would be appropriate. There are a number of choices available through both retail and on line vendors with many selections appropriate for encore brides.

You may have done this before, but small details can get overlooked when planning an encore wedding. Make sure to order and include response cards, and thank you notes. Encore brides still need to know how many will be attending for planning purposes, and thank you notes must be sent promptly.

The Guest List: Who should be invited? All of the relatives came to a first wedding, do we include them again?Encore weddings are frequently smaller than first time weddings. Some of this will depend on whether or not your groom is an encore groom. If not, he will likely feel a need to include friends and relatives you may not be including from your side. Do not feel obligated to match his guest list. Invite those you think appropriate, and those who are comfortable

with your encore wedding. Sometimes, encore brides feel awkward inviting extended family to an encore wedding, especially if the relationship is not particularly close, and they attended a first wedding. It is appropriate to send an announcement after the event, to inform them of your wedding and new groom without including them in the event.Design your guest list to include those who are supportive of your event, and the two of you feel are important to share your day (see archives for tips on including children).

The Registry: Should we have a registry? How do we let people know we are registered?Registering for gifts is not reserved for first weddings. Encore brides may opt out of registering for gifts because for many the issue is eliminating duplicates in combining households, not adding more. A registry can, however, be helpful if there are specific items you need for establishing your new home. Traditionally, China and Silver registries are not common for encore brides. If you choose to register, register for gifts that are in keeping with establishing a new home. As with any wedding, enclosing a notice of registry with your invitation is not in keeping with good etiquette. You are inviting people to share in your event, not inviting them to bring a gift. Family and friends will pass the word of your registry, or people may ask you directly if you have registered and where. A plea for gifts via an announcement is simply poor taste.

Encore Wedding Plans So, you've decided to take the plunge. Again. An encore wedding can be a difficult event to plan. Even though encore weddings make up a large number of the weddings taking place today, you won't find much information available for those walking down the aisle as an encore bride. Wedding magazines, widely available in bookstores, offer little if any information on how to plan for this event. And wedding sites on the web are seldom better. Younger, first time brides win in the media blitz.

Encore Bride Magazine exists to help you navigate the process of planning your wedding.

So, where to begin? First, decide on what type of wedding you want. Do you want a church wedding? Do you want a formal or informal gathering? Would you rather have a destination wedding, family event, or a small intimate gathering? There are as many options for the encore bride as for the first time bride. Don't be limited by the notion "this isn't my first".

Talking money

Once you have decided on the type and venue of your wedding, establish a realistic budget. I think it is important to establish your ideas first, budget second. If you start with a budget, as many brides do, you will limit yourself unnecessarily.

You may think certain ideas are outside your budget without exploring all the options. Often, one can make minor changes and save significantly. Begin with the ideal, then work from there. What can you compromise, what can you live with as a

bottom line? Many brides say that their first wedding was not theirs—they were pressured into decisions by family or friends that they either didn't want, or felt they couldn't afford. An encore wedding is a chance to take charge of your planning and make it be a reflection of the two of you.

Where will it be?

Once you have established the ideal wedding, begin to explore places, and prices. Can't afford the little inn by the sea? Check out the local bed and breakfasts as an alternative. Often, they are less expensive than the 5-Star resorts, but are located in a place just as picturesque. You may do better at negotiating prices at a bed and breakfast because they are locally owned in most cases, and not controlled by corporate policies on pricing and menus.

If you really want that one special location, but feel you can't afford any of the local inns and resorts, look into churches in the area. Many vacation spots such as mountain resorts or ocean areas have non-denominational churches nearby. Frequently located in beautiful surroundings, they make a wonderful alternative for those wanting a specific area, but not wanting to incur a large expense for the view and scenery. Move your reception a few miles away, and you'll save on "big scenery" expenses. You will have beautiful pictures of your wedding and the area without big expense.

If you've already had a formal church wedding, but want to get married in a church again, there is no reason an encore bride should have to shy away from a church venue. You may want to make some changes in the actual ceremony, and you may want a smaller, less formal affair, but it can be done. You may have to look into the churches practices and policies, as well.

For example, if you are Catholic, an annulment is necessary if you or your groom had a previous church wedding (Catholic or not) in order to remarry in the church. Other denominations—and particular clergy—may have special policies regarding remarriage, so check before committing to a specific place.

How big?

Another consideration is size for your event. Many encore brides tend to prefer smaller, more intimate events. There are many reasons to do so, such as not wanting to invite great aunt Margaret to another wedding, or the involvement of children and stepchildren, or financing, but again, not absolutely necessary.

If you didn't have a large previous wedding and really want to wear a traditional gown and have a formal reception, do it!

When deciding on the size of your event, consider whether or not your groom has had a previous wedding. If not, it may be more important to him to include certain relatives or friends from his side that don't seem necessary from your side. It's ok to have more from one side than the other, you can make accommodations in the traditional seating arrangement of brides side; grooms side. Invite those you want to invite, not those you feel obligated to invite. This doesn't mean inviting the whole office except the one guy that drives you nuts. It does mean not inviting groups of people or individuals who suggest they'd like to come. Early on establish an answer when people suggest they want to be invited. People will understand if you say we are keeping it a small occasion, or we are just including family, etc. Don't suggest that they may be included and then not invite them. Once you establish this it is not uncommon for a workgroup or other close friends to host an

encore bridal shower. Traditional etiquette would say those attending a shower and bringing a gift should be included on the wedding list. This is the exception, as long as it has been clearly established that you are having a small, family only event, or a few close fiends. Accept it graciously for what it is, a group of people wanting to acknowledge this occasion in your life, and promptly write thank yous to all. Not a group note, acknowledge each person individually. If it is a group of coworkers, you may consider bringing back a souvenir from your honeymoon if you are planning one. Something for all to share such as a box of locally made chocolates.

What to wear?

Next is the problem of what to wear. Encore brides choosing a formal gown, most often choose ivory as a symbol of the second marriage. Many traditional gowns are available in ivory as an alternate color choice. Typically, a long train and veil are reserved for first time brides. A short train and a less formal headpiece are quite appropriate for an encore bride. Often, an encore bride will opt for a more non traditional dress. Any encore bride, who has looked through a bridal magazine, knows there are few if any options shown for encore brides. Don't be discouraged. Many bridal shops carry a wide assortment of gowns in less formal styles, but you have to ask. Call ahead and ask a local shop to arrange a viewing of dresses in ballet or tea length styles in an assortment of styles and colors. An encore bride does not have to be limited by color, and you may be surprised at what options exist. Many of the larger department stores offer a special occasion selection of dresses. (For example check Nordstrom's, Neiman Marcus, J.C.Penney) These are often appropriate for the encore bride and are frequently available in a range of sizes from petite to plus. Flowers exist in virtually every color palette, and a

bridal bouquet can be made to match any color and ensemble you chose.

Children

A common dilemma for encore brides is how to include children in the ceremony. First, it is important to remember that children may be less than enthusiastic about this event, especially younger children who are still holding out hopes of reconciliation between mom and dad. Marriage and family experts say this is a normal reaction of children experiencing a remarriage. Some children may be thrilled with the idea of the remarriage and eagerly look forward to it. Either reaction is ok. The most important thing is that your children have the option to be included, but don't force them to participate beyond their comfort level. Once it is established that the children will participate, determine what role you would like them to play and what role they want to play. Be creative. This will be partly dictated by age of the children. Younger children may be included by being flower girl/ring bearers. Tasks can be divided by the age or gender of the children. You may have two girls, no boys. It is perfectly acceptable for one to carry and hold the rings, the other to be a flower girl. Rivalry can develop if both bride and groom have children and they both want the same job. Let them. Two flower girls are better than two children vying for attention in the middle of your wedding. Maybe they both see the job of keeping the rings as very important. Let the grooms child stand with him and keep the brides ring, have the brides child stand with her and keep the grooms ring. Other ways of including children are having them do a special reading, especially if they are older children, or presenting a special token to the new stepparent. Some encore brides walk with her children, and are joined by the groom and his children, all standing for the exchange of vows.

Remember, you are blending and joining families, and letting children know they are part of your special day helps them to know they are part of a new, extended family. It is a good idea if your children are young to arrange for a relative or friend to be responsible for monitoring them at any post ceremony celebration. Let the children know this ahead of time, and explain that you will be busy with the guests. If possible, arrange for them to be taken home if they are tired or overwhelmed, or have a quiet area available. Children are an important consideration, but they should never usurp the bride and groom. This is your day. Role modeling and establishing for your children the importance of you and your groom's relationship is critical in being a united front in future parenting issues that inevitably will arise.

What's important in all of this? Planning is key, be creative, and above all, have fun!

© Susan Polyot - Editor and Publisher of Encore Bride Magazine