engine failure

7/29/2019 Engine Failure

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Plane has 4 enginesCaptain speaking ...turbulencelost one engine - 1 hour ...lost two engines - 2 hours ...lost three engines - 3 hours ...A passenger exclaimed, "Omg, if we lose one more engine...we may even have to stay in the air the whole night!"

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.Officer: You were speeding.Man: No, I wasn't.Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.Man: But I wasn't speeding.Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?

Officer: Yes, you would.Man: What if I just thought that you were?Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.Maria: This is it.Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?Class: Maria did.

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained 10 kg in a week.B: That's impossible. Whose baby?A: An elephant's.

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.

My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her atfunerals.

A: I'm in a big trouble!B: Why is that?A: I saw a mouse in my house!B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.A: I don't have one.


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B: Well then, buy one.A: Can't afford one.B: I can give you mine if you want.A: That sounds good.B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come tothe trap.A: I don't have any cheese.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in thetrap.A: I don't have oil.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.A: I don't have bread.B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

A man is talking to God.The man: "God, how long is a million years?"God: "To me, it's about a minute."The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"God: "To me it's a penny."The man: "God, may I have a penny?"God: "Wait a minute."

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who willbe a good wife?"Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She wasjust like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?B: Yes, of course.A: Great! I never could before!

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach h

ave double meanings.)

Two cows are standing in a field.One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)


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A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?B: Still no idea.

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperatelyneeded to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed mygas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother inthe doctors office.He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"She replied, "I'm having a baby."With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"

What did the red light say to the green light?Don't look I'm changing!

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A man fell into a pool of alligators.He used all his might to swim and fended off all the furious attacks by the alligator.He dived into the bottom of the pool and made a harrow escape from one of the jaw-biting alligators.Suddenly, he noticed a glittering lamp and brushed against it accidentally.


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Soon, a tiday arose and a monstrous genie appeared and saved him.The genie then said, "You have 3 wishes."The man, while gasping for his breath, said, "First, I want you togive me a pairof punching gloves. Second, get me the thickest rope.Third, show me the idiot who pushed me just now and tie him up because I am going to punch the hell out of him!"

At the optician's, a customer asked,"Are my new glasses ready?""Yes sir," replied the optician who was a pretty girl. "Try them."He did and was satisfied. He said,"I can see you very well. Good-bye young man."

The Perfect Son.A: I have the perfect son.B: Does he smoke?A: No, he doesn't.B: Does he drink whiskey?A: No, he doesn't.B: Does he ever come home late?A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.Doctor: Next please!

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about

having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.


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B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?Little Johnny: But I asked first!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma,how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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