EuphoriaA Short Story by Jilnar El Masri

Presented to Mr. Ghassan Abou-ZeineddineFor ENG 236

Fall 2008/09

Euphoria

“Maggie get up, NOW!” Her dream world crashed down as the nurse’s voice echoed

in her ears. Maggie had been dreaming of her mother’s famous homemade blueberry

pancakes, and she would have had that first bite if this woman had not jolted her. The woman

stood there. “Come on! Everyone has already finished their breakfast and you haven’t even

gotten out of bed yet.” She shook her head. “Honestly, how do you expect to get out of here if

you don’t show some effort?”

Maggie sneered at the big woman. Sleeping and daydreaming were her only way out

of this wretched hellhole, and this woman wouldn’t even let her have an imaginary

homemade breakfast. This is going to be just lovely, she thought to herself, as she lazily

worked her body free of her bed sheet.

She stood up and walked towards the mirror. Maggie had always liked the girl staring

back at her. She was a young woman, barely twenty years old, with long fiery red hair and

almond eyes. She looked irresistibly cute, even with messy hair and no makeup. Her pajama

pants were a little too loose, but they were Alex’s pants, and he had always told her it was

sexy when she wore his clothes, so she had kept them. She certainly didn’t feel very sexy at

the moment, not even in her boyfriend’s Homer Simpson pants. She did not even want to feel

sexy. Not in this miserable place anyways.

.Despite knowing she was going to have another horrid day, Maggie managed to get

to the kitchen and grab a tray; the same tray she grabbed every day. She sat down and opened

the lid on her hot plate. “Pancakes… cool.” The pancakes here were nothing compared to her

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mother’s… She shook the thought out of her head as she drove the cooked batter into her

mouth. A minute seemed to pass, and the same woman who woke her up looked at her and

started yelling again. “Come on hurry up! Therapy group is about to start!” With a sigh,

Maggie finished the last of her breakfast and dashed to her room to put on some clothes. She

loathed therapy sessions. She hated hearing the counselor remind them why they are here at

Sunhills Retreat and Recovery, and she hated her preaching about what they should do so

they never end up here again. Most of all, she hated having to call her counselor Jay, as Jay

always insisted they should.

Maggie’s still-innocent baby complexion set her apart from everyone else at Sunhills.

She knew she didn’t belong in drug rehab. Rehab is for addicts, and she was certainly not one

of those. Alex is the one who’s supposed to be here, she thought to herself. She rolled her

eyes and let out a loud yawn, which seemed to be contagious. Group therapy was about to

begin.

“Ok, who has an issue to start with today?” asked the therapist. Jay was a young

woman in her mid-thirties, with jet-black hair and piercing eyes.

“Yeah, I got a lot of those”, muttered Maggie, barely audible. Jay seemed to hear that

and smiled. “Well, that’s why we have this therapy group. What’s your biggest one?” Her

eyes sparkled as they met Maggie’s, and suddenly, Maggie felt naked.

Jay had a way of doing that; looking through people. After all, it was her job. But

even as an awkward teenager, she could read people like an open book. She enjoyed it;

studying their eyes, their faces, their expressions. Jay had always had a knack for

understanding body language, and as she looked at Maggie now, she could see beyond the

defiant eyes and the cherry hair. She saw Maggie leaning back in her chair with folded arms,

and she reminded herself that this is why she had become a counselor; extending her wisdom

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to those who refused to admit they needed it. Growing up with a drug-troubled older brother,

Jay had made the decision to save the world from this filth. She lived for the pleasure of

seeing people do well, guiding them to overcome, teaching them to learn and grow, to

transform themselves. Guided by a strong will and a fierce persona, she had worked hard for

her success, and success had brought her to Sunhills. As she gazed through Maggie now,

experience told Jay that she had something different on her hands this time.

Maggie held Jay’s gaze, imaginary laser beams shooting from her hazel eyes. She

hated when people pretended to care about her. No one could ever do it right; no one really

cared. This woman might have helped hundreds of patients, but Maggie was not like anybody

else. She was not even a patient. She had always been good at helping herself, thank you very

much, she thought.

“I think, Jaaay, my biggest issue is that I don’t see the point of being here”, she

retorted, leaning further back into her chair and crossing her arms. “I’m fine, I just need to go

back home.”

Jay looked down for a moment. “Maggie, you need to understand that you’re here,

whether you like it or not. You made a mistake that brought you here. Until you acknowledge

that, I frankly don’t see you going home anytime soon.”

“I thought therapists were supposed to give patients hope, you know, that light at the

end of the tunnel crap”, Maggie shot back. Jay noticed that the other patients had decided to

become fascinated by their shoes and cuticles. A frustrated ‘ufff’ escaped someone’s mouth,

and eyes darted nervously to the floor. Her attitude was becoming more of a nuisance every

day, and it was getting harder to play supportive.

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“Not always; my job is to help people with their problems, and give them a sense of

understanding, and unfortunately, you haven’t even taken the first step.” Maggie’s heart sank

even further. Why can’t everyone just leave her alone? She’s strong. She is not an addict, and

she does not need anybody’s help. Could this crazy woman be right? How long can they keep

her here?

“Can I leave?” Maggie asked calmly

“I’m sorry, but group is not over yet.”

“I just…Jay, I just need some time to take in what you just told me.” All the white in

this room was suffocating her. White walls, white tables, Jay’s white blouse. So clean, so

pure, they were closing in on her. She needed to get out.

“Well, I guess that wouldn’t hurt”, smiled Jay. “Would you like to share those

thoughts later, one-on-one?”

Maggie paused for a second. “Yeah, whatever”, she heard herself mumble as she

stood up and made her way to the door. The collective sigh she heard as she walked out did

not exactly help lift her spirits.

Lying on her bed later that day, Maggie’s thoughts drifted, and she found herself

thinking about Alex.

He was a boy, she liked to think, a boy of twenty five, whom she had met a little

more than a year ago. She had always been attracted to fun and mischief, and Alex had fit

perfectly into her plans. Of course her plans had not included falling in love, but that was

precisely what happened. Together, they did everything, whirling through the euphoria of

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young, unstoppable passion. At one point, his love, his devotion, had made her feel that

everything was possible. She loved him because she knew he worshipped her, even though

his ways were far from perfect, very far from what she had always dreamt of.

She did not like having to remind him to shower and shave, she hated his sense of

fashion, and most of all, she could not stand his passion for drugs. But she had seen it as a

challenge, having this boy in her hands, to shape him, to fix him, to teach him things that she

had learned about life; make him perfect. Maggie wanted him to be perfect. She was a queen

in her own world, and she deserved perfection.

So she had become his mentor; she taught him how to dress, how to talk, and have

intelligent conversation. She taught him how to manage his money, she helped him deal with

his parents and get healthy, and even made him as crazy about cats as she was. Alex had

taught her how to drive, to drive fast and faster. He had showed her crazy parties and wild

raves. He had taught her how to play card tricks, how to mix her drinks and roll a joint.

He trusted her, and it was not long before Maggie became quite the expert on most

things bad. But to her, it was just more information, more knowledge, more wisdom. To

Alex, it had been the perfect excuse to let her in on his latest drug projects. No matter how

hard she tried, Maggie could not get him to give up his experimenting.

Actually, Maggie’s last mission, before she had ended up here, was helping Alex with

his heroin addiction.

On that thought, the familiar fire that blasted through her veins jolted Maggie back to

reality. The counselors could talk as much as they wanted, but nothing would ever heal the

rage that possessed her. She felt like screaming. What was she doing here, in a nuthouse, with

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all these miserable addicts?! She definitely did not belong here. If anything, she knew she

could heal these addicts from their foolishness! But she could think of one person in

particular who would fit in perfectly with these wretched souls.

Far from being the perfect boyfriend, Alex had not called her in three days, and

despite her disappointment, as usual, she had to admit that she missed him. After all, she had

gotten used to the disappointment a long time ago.

She fumbled in her jeans pocket and found two quarters. Maggie lifted herself off the

bed and walked to the phone in the hallway. It was times like this when she remembered she

should be grateful that Sunhills allowed them some phone access. It wasn’t Jay she wanted

to talk to. It took her a millisecond to dial the number, and her hand quivered as she held the

phone to her ear, waiting to jump at the sound of his voice.

“MagMag! I…umm…hii…I was just about to call you!” exclaimed the groggy voice

in her ear.

“Mhmm”. It had always seemed to her that Alex’s only talent was lying on-the-spot.

She mentally slapped herself for calling. “So, apparently, I’m going to be stuck here for a

while. Where are you?”

“I’m just out with Richard and Charlie, we’re trying to score some weed for the game

tonight.”

Maggie flinched. “What do you mean Richard and Charlie? You promised me you

were gonna quit!”

“Oh baby not again! C’mon, why don’t you try and trust me? We’re not doing H

anymore, I told you I wouldn’t do that again! it’s just some weed now. Why do you always

have to nag Maggie? Nag, nag, nag…”

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She cut him off. “Oh stop it! You know damn well that my nagging is the only thing

keeping you alive Alex. If you hate it so much, why don’t you leave me? Huh? And you

know that if I hadn’t caught you lying to me like a hundred times I would probably trust you

a little more. Don’t lie to me Alex. I have a sixth sense you know.”

Maggie heard him stifle a grunt. “No honey, what you have is a big nose that you like

to shove into everything. Aren’t they teaching you that you can’t be a control freak baby?

You have to learn how to control your issues….”

“My issues?!” she cut him off again. “My issues Alex? I don’t have any issues! My

only issue is that you got me into this hellhole and you are still hanging out with your junkie

friends, still expecting me to believe your lies, and you don’t even care!”

She paused. She could feel her eyes well up and she bit her lip. “You have to admit

that you’re the reason I’m here, Alex”, she whispered.

“Whatever Maggie. I don’t recall asking you to find my heroin and snort it. I’m the

reason? You’re the only one who got yourself into this mess, babe.” She could picture him as

he spoke to her; brown eyes half-closed, mouth gaping halfway open, slurring whatever

words he cared to remember in his ‘rush’. She mentally slapped herself again as she

remembered how she used to mistake this heroin rush for laziness, before she knew. Maggie

heard him take a drag on his cigarette, and then the unmistakable sounds of scratching four

different body parts simultaneously. That was another one of the signs she had missed; she

had thought he just needed a shower and some lotion, never making the heroin-histamine

connection.

She took a deep breath. “Look, I know I wasn’t supposed to be going through your

wallet, but how else was I supposed to find my evidence? It’s not like you were ever going to

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admit it. I …I just wanted to help! Can you not see that I was doing this for your own good?

How was I supposed to help you quit if you wouldn’t admit you had a problem in the first

place?”

Maggie heard Alex echo her deep breath. They had had this argument countless times,

but never when he was clear-headed. She knew what he would say. “Honey, you didn’t have

to snort all your evidence and end up in Sunny La La Land. You could have died MagMag.

What the hell were you thinking?” He paused. Despite knowing how livid she was, Alex

enjoyed the silence that this question provoked. How dare she blame him for trying to protect

the one person he could never afford to lose? Alex had never cared about his problems, but he

had always done his best to keep her out of trouble.

Maggie fell silent. She hated how this question always muted her. He was right; she

had been foolish enough to think nothing would happen. Her thoughts drifted back to that

first time, and her stomach clenched as she fought the urge to vomit. She still remembered it

so vividly, every thought, every careful movement…

**

Maggie would never forget the day she first made the mistake of trying heroin. That

day, Alex had forgotten his wallet in her car, giving her the perfect opportunity to confirm her

suspicions. He had been through a painful week of withdrawal symptoms, with Maggie at his

side through every hour of it, but her instincts had told her she was missing something. She

still caught him scratching his nose quite a lot, his eyes still looked weird, and she just had to

know.

She had carefully emptied every section of his wallet, and sure enough, there it was,

hidden carefully underneath his driving license, the little plastic bag, half full of fine beige

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powder. She had never seen heroin before, but her online research had told her everything she

needed to know about it. Holding the bag in her hand, she had felt livid. Alex had been lying

to her, and now she had the proof. She had stared at the bag for a long time, wondering how

on earth something as little as this could ruin a life. What was it about heroin that was so

addictive? Could it be that euphoria came in powdered form? These thoughts swirled in her

head, and she had caught herself thinking about trying it. Quickly, she had thrown the bag

into the trash can, right before diving for it again when she remembered she needed it as

evidence.

Later that night, Maggie had found herself emptying the contents of the little bag onto

her nightstand. Just to examine it, she had thought. Again, she was thinking about it. I need to

know what it’s like, she thought. What was the worst that could happen? Maggie dived into

her purse, found a new dollar bill, and rolled it up, just like she had seen in that video online.

Her hands trembled as she took in what she was about to do. But there was no turning back,

she just had to do it. She closed her eyes, held her breath, and inhaled sharply through the

rolled up bill in her nostril. Maggie took in half of the powder that was on her nightstand, and

instantly, she knew she had made a mistake.

She sat on her bed, waiting for that rush of euphoria, but it had never come. Instead,

she had felt slightly numb and sick to her stomach. She wished she could force it back out of

her body. She wished she had not been so weak and stupid. She remembers needing to

vomit, but being prevented from doing so by the numbness that overcame her. She swirled

through emotions of guilt and disgust before she gave in to merciful sleep. The next day had

been a torturous haze of nausea, chills, cramps, and a constant headache. It was horrible.

Every bone and muscle in her body ached, and the painkillers she took did not help at all.

Withdrawal, she thought. Could it be that she was going through the withdrawal symptoms

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she had read about? But it was only one time! What if she had taken too much? Maggie was

confused, and so very sick. It was then that Maggie had realized that she needed more heroin.

It had begun. Maggie found her phone, and dialed one of Alex’s old friends. He had

told her about him a long time ago, he was the guy that had introduced Alex to the joys of

heroin. Her voice trembled as she mumbled words unfamiliar to her. What was she doing,

setting up drug deals?! She felt ashamed, but there was no other way. Alex can never know

about this, ever! , she thought, and made that clear to the guy.

It had ended only two weeks later on a terrible afternoon, when her mother had found

her on the bathroom floor, trying to cry but vomiting uncontrollably before passing out next

to an empty plastic bag speckled with fine beige powder….

**

A minute had passed, and Maggie was gripping the phone so hard that her knuckles

were white.

“MagMag?” Alex’s voice brought her back. Her eyes were stinging, and as she

opened them, Maggie felt a teardrop draw its path across her cheek and onto her lip. How had

she let herself be so weak, so vulnerable, so exposed? She felt like screaming again. How had

she been so stupid? She leaned back against the wall, and she could taste her salty

teardrops…”I…uh…I have to go. Goodbye Alex”, she managed to say, before dropping to

her feet.

For a long time she stayed there on the floor, crying violently, each sob rattling her

fragile body until she could barely breathe. When she finally opened her eyes, Maggie saw

the outline of somebody standing at the end of the hallway, calmly looking at her. It was not

until then that she realized Jay had been watching her, and she cried some more.

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Jay couldn’t help but flinch at the sight of Maggie’s face when she finally stopped

weeping and looked up at her. Her reddened eyes were swollen almost shut, and her little

nose was puffed up beyond recognition. A large stain had formed where Maggie’s shirt had

collected her tears, and she was curled up on the floor, trying to catch a breath. For a moment,

Jay felt a lump in her throat; the instinct to run over to Maggie and hold her had been

overwhelming, and instead, she forced herself to do nothing as she held her gaze. A moment

passed before Maggie managed to get on her feet, turn her back, and walk away.

“Maggie, wait.” Jay’s voice broke the silence. She suddenly felt guilty. What was she

thinking, watching this girl cry her heart out in silence? Very unprofessional, she scolded

herself.

“Why? Wasn’t that enough entertainment for you?” spat Maggie.

“I was looking for you; we were going to have that talk, remember? Do you wish to

come into my office for some chamomile tea?”

“Thank you, but I’m going to go into my room, where I can cry without having an

audience. With all due respect Doctor, I don’t see how some tea party is going to help me at

the moment.”

Jay did not like this mystified girl calling her Doctor. In fact, she did not like anyone

calling her Doctor. She always thought of herself more of a friend, an ally, a mentor with a

wise perspective. Ever since Maggie was checked into Sunhills, Jay had known that the last

thing this girl would listen to is a doctor’s opinion. From day one, her defiance was clear; I

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know what I’m doing, leave me alone, that was what Maggie’s expression had always said.

No, no, what Maggie needed was someone to talk to, that is all. Jay had promised herself to

be that friend, and she thought about that now. The therapist’s eyes sparkled and a slight

smile formed on her lips. This was not the time to play professional. “You’re

underestimating the powers of my chamomile potion, young lady. As your counselor, I

recommend you reconsider.” She grinned. “And besides, a tea party might not be as tutee-

fruity as you imagine. It certainly can’t be worse than disfiguring your beautiful face crying

alone, can it?” Jay mentally crossed her fingers; she needed to make this work. It was then

that she realized that Maggie was now her own personal project; her mission.

Through her glistening eyes, Maggie managed to contort her swollen face into a faint

smile. It was true; crying did make her look hideous. That was what Alex had always told her

whenever she cried. He would kiss her eyes, and nibble at her cheeks until she found herself

smiling, then giggling like a child as he tickled her …She felt herself tearing up again at his

memory, and quickly glanced at Jay to see if she had noticed. Jay was still smiling, and

somehow, Maggie saw a glint of hope in her eyes.

“Well, I can’t really argue with that.” She paused. She had told Jay that she would

have a one-on-one talk with her, and she was not one to back down on her word. After all,

she had nothing to hide. Maggie made up her mind and stood up. “I guess this would be a

good time to have that talk, huh?”

As they walked to the therapist’s office, Maggie looked into the rooms on either side

of the corridor. Some were occupied, some weren’t, but the thing that made them all the same

were the white walls, the white bedspreads, and the blue cabinets, designed to give a sense of

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tranquility. All they do is make it even more depressing; she thought to herself, as she

remembered the vivid pinks and greens of her own room back home.

They reached Jay’s office and stepped inside. Unlike the other rooms, Jay’s office had

more life to it. A computer rested on a large wooden desk, underneath shelves and shelves of

books. Two brown leather couches made the office instantly comfortable, and several photos

of family members and famous jazz players added a personal touch.

“So, you like my office?”

Maggie smirked. “Yeah, it’s the most interesting room I’ve seen all week.”

Jay laughed. “You know, I really think you can make it out of here in no time

Maggie.”

Maggie was surprised. “Well, I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not even supposed to be here

in the first place.” She looked down; maybe this talk was not such a good idea.

That defiance again, Jay thought, as she fixed her eyes on Maggie until she looked up

again. “Why do you think you’re here Maggie?” she asked.

Awkward silence filled the room, and finally, Maggie spoke. “I don’t know. I guess

because I needed the drugs to help me quit, and I can’t just go buy them at a pharmacy.” She

smiled faintly. “Isn’t that why I’m here?”

“Hmm, partly, yeah.” Jay ventured. “But don’t you think we can give you any other

kind of help?”

Maggie’s face suddenly became serious again. “Like what? Teach me how to get in

touch with God so He can heal my spirit that has gone astray?”

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Ah, sarcasm, Jay thought. It was a good start, as far as she was concerned. “Why?

Don’t you believe in God Maggie?”

“That’s nobody’s business, but actually, no I don’t. The only thing I believe in is

personal choices.” As soon as she said that, Maggie knew she had set herself up for some

more questioning; a mistake.

Aha! Jay smiled. “And don’t you think that your personal choice, in one way or

another, has contributed to bringing you here?”

Maggie looked down again; a good excuse to think of an answer. Yes, she thought to

herself.

“No” she said, as she looked into Jay’s eyes. Another mistake. Jay’s piercing gaze,

and the glint in her eyes made Maggie feel transparent. “Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, it

wasn’t really me. I’m not that kind of person.”

“What kind of person?” Jay was on to something. She felt herself getting closer to that

shield of rebelliousness, and so desperately, she wanted to get through it.

Maggie felt herself getting weaker by the second. This therapist was trying to break

her, and she was falling for it! She thought about Alex for a second…

“A junkie. I’m not a junkie, ok?” Maggie blurted. It was just too much for her. Alex

was the one supposed to be sitting in this chair, feeling naked, and being tricked into bearing

his soul to this resolute therapist. She did not belong here, not one bit. “This place is full of

junkies. They’re all losers, they don’t know what they’re doing here, and they didn’t know

what they were doing before they got here. That’s not me! I knew what I was doing. I might

have taken it too far, but I definitely knew what I was doing Jay.”

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Jay could not help but break into a smile. “Well, Maggie, for one thing, nobody said

you were a junkie. Let’s be clear about that. And you know what? Maybe you’re right. You

have a killer sense of humor, and anyone can tell that you’re a very smart young woman who

doesn’t exactly fit the stereotype we get in here all the time.”

“Now you’re just stroking my ego” cracked Maggie. She looked at Jay’s face and

knew that she was being serious. “Do you really believe that Jay?”

“Of course I do. Don’t you believe it yourself?”

Maggie looked down. “Well, I used to. I thought I was the smartest, you know, before

I ended up here. If I’m so smart, then what am I doing in a rehab center Jay? What kind of

idiot abuses heroin out of curiosity?”

Jay could tell that Maggie had asked herself that question so many times before.

“Nobody has ever done drugs out of anything but curiosity, Maggie. But the problem with

heroin is that it gets you physically, even though mentally you might hate yourself for doing

it. Your cells are destroyed, your body becomes weak, and it cannot function if you don’t

have the substance in you. It is very painful and extremely difficult to quit alone, and very

few people have done it successfully. You are here because it takes specialized help to wean

your body off heroin, and get it to start re-building itself, to fix the damage that has been

done. You have to understand, Maggie, being here does not make you less of who you are, it

makes you understand yourself better, and understand why you took that decision in the first

place.”

Jay took a deep breath. “I think you should know that there is not a single person here

who does not beat himself up for giving into that temptation the first time. But you need to

realize that how you ended up here is not important anymore Maggie. What is important is

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that you are here, at one of the best rehabilitation centers in the area, and you need to start

making use of the opportunity you have to get yourself thinking clear again, and nurse your

body back to health. You have the help Maggie, you have everything you need.”

Tears had begun to form in Maggie’s eyes. “But Jay, I don’t need to be here. I was going to

quit anyways. It had only been like two weeks, and I was not really that hooked. I could have

dealt with it myself….My boyfriend, he’s the addict. I know what it’s like to be a real addict,

and it’s horrible and disgusting. I was helping him quit, and he couldn’t do it. He wants to

quit but his friends keep doing it in front of him and he’s weak and he needs my help…”

Maggie spilled the words as the thoughts flooded her head. This time, there was somebody

listening to her, and she could not stop talking. “…And I just made a mistake, you see…He’s

the one everyone should be worried about, and I’m the only one who was caring enough to

help him quit …”

“Yes, but maybe it’s time to start worrying about yourself now Maggie.” Jay had forgotten

she was a certified therapist, and she wished she had not interrupted the girl’s outburst. “I’m

sorry, please continue”, she urged, but her interruption had brought Maggie into a shocked

silence. She held a strand of red hair and busied herself twisting it around her finger.

Jay decided to venture. “Look, Maggie, whatever happened outside of this room is all in your

past. It would do you well to stop dwelling on it. You spent so much energy trying to help

Alex that you lost yourself in the process. And that is why you are here. You are here to help

yourself Maggie, because it would be a shame if you don’t. You cannot give everybody your

help, because not everyone will appreciate it or even understand it. You know, my father used

to tell me that not everyone was a diamond in the rough. Wouldn’t you hate to keep working

on something and then realize it was just a piece of coal to begin with?

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You realize that it is you alone who makes your decisions, and you alone who will be

responsible for their outcomes.”

Maggie looked up at Jay, with tears in her eyes. “But what about Alex? I love him. I want to

stay with him, but if, I mean when I get out of here, it’s all going to be so different. I cannot

watch him kill himself anymore, and I can’t help him when I’m locked up in here! I don’t

know what he’s doing…”

“You will have that figured out by the time you get out of here, I am certain.” Jay responded

with a smile. Again, Maggie saw the same glint of hope in her eyes. Something happened at

that moment. She could not quite put her finger on it, but to Maggie, it felt like a big dirty

window, shattering to the ground, and it felt good. For the first time since she came to

Sunhills, she felt her heart skip a beat, and she smiled back at Jay.

The days rolled on, and every one of them, Maggie made certain she had at least one

conversation with Jay. Sometimes they talked about food, other times about life…Their

conversations always taught Maggie something about herself, and she loved having

somebody who listens to her, without passing judgments.

Every day, she still thought about Alex. She always wanted to know what he was

doing, and with whom. Was he still on drugs? Is he trying to quit? Was he seeing somebody

else? Gradually, these questions became less and less important to Maggie, as she discovered

more and more about herself. She was off heroin now, taking only a small dosage of placebo,

and feeling very good about herself. Long forgotten was the day she was found lying on the

bathroom floor, as Maggie saw herself changing into somebody she always knew she was; a

strong, determined, young woman with big dreams. Her stay at Sunhills was teaching her that

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she had a talent for, well, talking. As she started feeling well again, she became friendlier

with other residents, and many times, she could be found in the lounge, having deep

discussions with some patient or another. She discovered that she had a knack for helping

people with their issues, just like she was helping Alex. Only this time, she was stronger,

wiser.

It had been only three months when the day came for Maggie to pack her things and leave her

room for the last time. To her, it had felt like an eternity, and she beamed with pride.

Stepping out of the corridor, she had a feeling she should turn around one last time, and she

did. Sure enough, Jay was standing right behind her, with a huge grin on her face, and those

glimmering eyes shining with delight. “I told you you were gonna get out of here in no

time!” she joked. “Yeah yeah…” Maggie’s smile lit up the room.

Jay walked towards her, arms outstretched, and hugged her so fiercely she almost cut off her

breath. “Just promise me one thing.” Maggie’s smile did not fade. “Promise me that I will

never see you walk through these doors ever again.” Jay leaned down to Maggie’s ear and

whispered “because if you do, I’m going to kick your ass lil’ lady.”

Maggie looked up at Jay. “You got it lady. Anything for my favorite shrink!”

She headed for the main gate. Her mother would be here very soon. But it wasn’t her mother

that Maggie wanted to see. Alex had told her he was coming, and despite everything, she

knew she had to see him.

He stood in the distance, smoking a cigarette under the big oak tree. His face lit up at the

sight of the one he loved. Her soft cheeks were flushed, and the sunlight danced in her eyes.

Oh, how he’d missed her. He missed the way she smelled, the way she kissed him with those

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lips. He missed holding her and breathing her in, and hearing her say that she loved him. Alex

couldn’t wait for things to be the same again.

Her long, red hair flowed behind her as she moved down the stairs, and Alex ran up to her.

“MagMag! Baby I’ve missed you so much…God you look wonderful!” , he managed to say.

He held her to him like she was the very force of life he needed. His girl always smelled like

a fresh summer breeze, and he could not get enough of her scent as he bent his head to kiss

her lips.

Maggie flinched, and stood back to look at him. His eyes had sunk deeper into his face,

encircled by dark, fragile skin. His cheeks were pale, lifeless against the healthy blush of her

own. His teeth were a ghastly shade of yellow, and his thin body had felt so fragile when he

had held her. He looked gaunt, as if he had not eaten or slept since she last saw him three

months ago. She reached out and held his hand, then ran her fingers up his left arm. She stole

a quick look at the inside of his elbow; it was dotted with fresh needle marks.

“Maggie? What’s wrong?” he looked confused.

Maggie looked at what was left of her Alex. She felt sorry for him. She felt sorry that he

could never admit he was in trouble, to the girl who had loved him the most. That was his

choice, and his choice alone. She bit her lip as she felt the familiar lump in her throat.

No! She thought. No, I will not cry over this again. I did everything I could, and more. I got

myself into trouble trying to fix him. She thought about the new Maggie, the transformed

Maggie, the Maggie who was not going to put up with this anymore. She thought about Jay,

and the hope she had given her, and she knew what she had to do. Nothing would hold her

back anymore.

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Alex brought his finger to her face, and tilted her chin up so he could see her eyes. Their eyes

met, and he winced.

His girl’s eyes were different. There was something missing. Or was it something new? He

could not quite tell at the moment. Her eyes were clear, unclouded by emotion. Cold.

Focused. At peace. “What’s wrong Maggie?” he asked again.

“Nothing is wrong Alex. I quit. That’s all. And it feels so darn amazing. So much more

amazing than whatever it is you feel now. I wish you could feel it too, but you know, that was

always your problem. You never wanted to feel anything real. The thing with happiness,

Alex, is that it does not come in a plastic bag. You know what happened to me in there? I

found happiness, Alex.” She paused.

Alex silently looked at her, but she could tell he had no clue what she was saying. She

decided to say it anyways.

“It’s the most painful thing, to be forced to take a close look at yourself, and realize where

you had gone wrong, but you know, it’s amazing to give yourself the chance to fix it. I love

you Alex, and I always will, but I cannot stay. This is my chance to fix it, and I’m taking it…

I…”

“Maggie, why are you doing this? What…what do you want me to do?”

She could tell he was shaken, but she could not stop talking. “I have to do this Alex. I’m

sorry. I love you, and I hope that maybe you can find what I’ve found…I’m sorry, I have to

take some time on my own now, focus on myself, and what I need to do. I cannot keep

following you around, waiting for you to make your next mistake and lie to me about it. I

won’t be that Maggie anymore. Honestly Alex, you are in my way.”

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“Maggie, don’t do this. Please don’t do this. I…I don’t know what I’d do without you,

MagMag. Please…” He was desperate and she knew it.

“There’s plenty you can do without me, Alex. You’ll figure it out. When you do, you always

know where to find me. I’ll be waiting, for my new Alex.” She held his hand in both hers,

and looked into his eyes. The pain will heal, she thought.

“I..I have to go, umm…my Mom will be here any second.” She turned around, leaving him in

despair, and for a second, she thought she saw tears in his eyes. The pain will heal, she

reminded herself.

On her way home, Maggie cried. Yes, she would miss him. A part of her wondered if she had

done the right thing. Would he lose his way without her to guide him? Would he sink into the

doldrums of addiction? Most of all, would he forget her?

No, no, he wouldn’t, she decided. He was her Alex, and he would find his way. He would

come back to her, a new man, Maggie was certain.

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