evaluating & managing conflicts. conflict response modes
TRANSCRIPT
Evaluating & ManagingEvaluating & ManagingConflictsConflicts
Conflict Response ModesConflict Response Modes
Competing
Collaborating
Assert- iveness
Compromising
Avoiding Accommodating Cooperativeness
Conflict Styles ExerciseConflict Styles ExerciseQuickly review Instrument 1Quickly review Instrument 1
Go to one of the 5 locations, according to your Go to one of the 5 locations, according to your highest score:highest score:– Competing: left frontCompeting: left front
– Accommodating: right backAccommodating: right back
– Avoiding: left backAvoiding: left back
– Compromising: middleCompromising: middle
– Collaborating: right frontCollaborating: right front
Do round with your namesDo round with your names
Discuss in group some of following questions…Discuss in group some of following questions…
Questions for GroupsQuestions for Groups
Some advantages of this conflict styleSome advantages of this conflict style
Some disadvantages of this conflict styleSome disadvantages of this conflict style
How are your advantages unfavorable for How are your advantages unfavorable for others?others?
Situations in which this is a good styleSituations in which this is a good style
Situations in which this style probably Situations in which this style probably shouldn’t be usedshouldn’t be used
Conflict Response ModesConflict Response Modes
Competing
Collaborating
Assert- iveness
Compromising
Avoiding Accommodating Cooperativeness
Three Basic OptionsThree Basic Options
Try to change the other personTry to change the other person
Try to alter the conditionsTry to alter the conditions
Change your own communications, Change your own communications,
perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions, perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions,
behaviorsbehaviors
ConflictsConflicts
““Most of us are notoriously inaccurate at Most of us are notoriously inaccurate at describing our own behavior in a conflict”describing our own behavior in a conflict”
We also misunderstand others and We also misunderstand others and inaccurately attribute intentions to theminaccurately attribute intentions to them
Often, self-fulfilling prophecies are enacted Often, self-fulfilling prophecies are enacted in a spiral (we provoke the very behavior in a spiral (we provoke the very behavior we accuse the other of perpetuating, then we accuse the other of perpetuating, then we each make ourselves out to be the we each make ourselves out to be the victim)victim)
Assessing ConflictsAssessing Conflicts
Use same conflict situation in which you Use same conflict situation in which you looked at goals (or different one)looked at goals (or different one)
Use conflict episode model to diagnose and Use conflict episode model to diagnose and understand what is happeningunderstand what is happening
Use conflict episode model to identify Use conflict episode model to identify possible opportunities for intervention, possible opportunities for intervention, especially at the conceptualization stageespecially at the conceptualization stage
Conflict Episode ModelConflict Episode Model
States ofIndividuals
+ Stimulus
FrustrationsConceptualizations
BehaviorsOutcomes
System ConsiderationsSystem Considerations
Conflict serves the system in some ways – Conflict serves the system in some ways –
although not equally for all membersalthough not equally for all members
Usually rules are tacit and undiscussibleUsually rules are tacit and undiscussible
Understanding the system can help Understanding the system can help
identify ways to intervene and manage the identify ways to intervene and manage the
conflictconflict
Using Systems TheoryUsing Systems Theory
Assess the workings of the overall system Assess the workings of the overall system (everyone connected to the conflict)(everyone connected to the conflict)
Determine recurring patterns associated Determine recurring patterns associated with conflictwith conflict
Identify individual contributions to the Identify individual contributions to the system and patternssystem and patterns
Some Systems Principles Some Systems Principles 219-222219-222
1.1. Conflict occurs in chain reactions (don’t Conflict occurs in chain reactions (don’t look for villains or blame)look for villains or blame)
2.2. Each member gets labeled or type-cast Each member gets labeled or type-cast in a rolein a role
3.3. Takes more than one to keep a conflict Takes more than one to keep a conflict goinggoing
4.4. Coalitions & triangles often formCoalitions & triangles often form
5.5. Systems develop rules for conflict that Systems develop rules for conflict that
are followed even if they work poorly. are followed even if they work poorly.
Usually, there is a rule against knowing Usually, there is a rule against knowing
or stating the rules directlyor stating the rules directly
6.6. The conflict serves the system in The conflict serves the system in
some way some way (even if poorly)(even if poorly)
To Deduce System RulesTo Deduce System Rules
Need to deal with specific events, e.g., Need to deal with specific events, e.g., “microevents” (p.256)“microevents” (p.256)
Observe verbatim words and actual Observe verbatim words and actual actionsactions
Describe behavior accurately, separate Describe behavior accurately, separate from inferences and attributionsfrom inferences and attributions
InquireInquire
Look for patternsLook for patterns
System Rules (cont.)System Rules (cont.)
It helps to identify & list the rules explicitlyIt helps to identify & list the rules explicitly
State them as prescriptions for behavior, State them as prescriptions for behavior, e.g., “When in context X, Y must (or must e.g., “When in context X, Y must (or must not) occur.”not) occur.”
Good ways to elicit system rules on p.235Good ways to elicit system rules on p.235
Then discuss how the rules help or harm Then discuss how the rules help or harm conflict management, and consider conflict management, and consider changing some of the ruleschanging some of the rules
Your Live Case – cont.Your Live Case – cont.
Identify tacit system rules and payoffs in Identify tacit system rules and payoffs in your conflict case (make use of some of the your conflict case (make use of some of the questions in Application 7.1, p.222 & questions in Application 7.1, p.222 & suggestions on p.235)suggestions on p.235)
Write individuallyWrite individually
Share in group and inquire to obtain Share in group and inquire to obtain additional insights and ideasadditional insights and ideas
MetaphorsMetaphors
Creating a metaphor or drawing a picture Creating a metaphor or drawing a picture that represents a conflict provides a that represents a conflict provides a different form of datadifferent form of data
– WholeWhole
– VisualVisual
– NonverbalNonverbal
– SymbolicSymbolic
Metaphor ExerciseMetaphor Exercise1.1. Use your ongoing conflict case (or another one in which Use your ongoing conflict case (or another one in which
you are a participant)you are a participant)
2.2. Generate a metaphor for this conflict (write Generate a metaphor for this conflict (write individually): “We are a….”individually): “We are a….”
3.3. One person shares her/his metaphor with the group, One person shares her/his metaphor with the group, which asks clarifying questions, using the images in the which asks clarifying questions, using the images in the metaphormetaphor
4.4. Group brainstorms about ways to resolve the conflict, Group brainstorms about ways to resolve the conflict, still using the imaginary modestill using the imaginary mode
5.5. Group translates these imaginary resolutions into Group translates these imaginary resolutions into practical steps for conflict managementpractical steps for conflict management
More Ways to Assess ConflictsMore Ways to Assess Conflicts
Briefly review the text sections on triangles Briefly review the text sections on triangles
and coalitions (p.226-233)and coalitions (p.226-233)
Individually, analyze your conflict situation Individually, analyze your conflict situation
for possible triangles and coalitionsfor possible triangles and coalitions
Triangles & Coalitions Cause ProblemsTriangles & Coalitions Cause Problems
Block direct, constructive communication Block direct, constructive communication between individuals who should have thisbetween individuals who should have this
Produce toxic relationships and poor Produce toxic relationships and poor communicationcommunication
Escalate conflictEscalate conflict
Cause important issues to be unresolvedCause important issues to be unresolved
Are self-justifying & self-reinforcingAre self-justifying & self-reinforcing
Summary of Tools to Assess ConflictsSummary of Tools to Assess Conflicts
Conflict episode modelConflict episode model
Conflict response modesConflict response modes
System patterns and rulesSystem patterns and rules
MetaphorsMetaphors
Analysis of triangles and coalitionsAnalysis of triangles and coalitions
Conflict CaseConflict Case
Individually, analyze and make notes, Individually, analyze and make notes, using some of the tools you haven’t used using some of the tools you haven’t used alreadyalready
(Possibly) discuss in group(Possibly) discuss in group
Short debriefing in total classShort debriefing in total class
Emotions in ConflictEmotions in Conflict
Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf.
When reason ends, then anger begins. Therefore, anger is a sign of weakness. - Dalai Lama
Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way... that is not easy. - Aristotle
Happiness is good health and a bad memory - Ingrid Bergman
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. - Victor Borge
People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be. - Abraham Lincoln
Feelings are facts …not right or Feelings are facts …not right or wrong …wrong …
What you do with those feelings is a What you do with those feelings is a key element in managing conflict key element in managing conflict
(p.194)(p.194)
Reverse Usual SequenceReverse Usual Sequence
Usually: Perceived threat -> Fear -> AngerUsually: Perceived threat -> Fear -> Anger
We feel angry, often without understanding the We feel angry, often without understanding the cause (frequently, without recognizing the fear)cause (frequently, without recognizing the fear)
In groups, one person shares a recent incident in In groups, one person shares a recent incident in which he/she got angrywhich he/she got angry
Together, analyze what was the fear, hurt, or felt Together, analyze what was the fear, hurt, or felt vulnerabilityvulnerability
Then, try to recall the originating communication verbatim (at bottom of the ladder of inference)
Repeat, with another person providing the example
Managing Anger and its Expression
Manage fear-anger cycleManage fear-anger cycle
Use your best communication skills, Use your best communication skills, including “I-messages”including “I-messages”
Receive anger effectivelyReceive anger effectively
Remember, Remember, we do not have to act the we do not have to act the way we feelway we feel
The midrange zone of The midrange zone of potentially effective conflict potentially effective conflict
managementmanagement
Neither extreme works well:Neither extreme works well:
– Suppressed, ineffectively avoided Suppressed, ineffectively avoided conflictconflict
– Unrestrained, escalating conflictUnrestrained, escalating conflict
Moderating & Managing ConflictsModerating & Managing Conflicts
Three Basic OptionsThree Basic Options
Try to change the other personTry to change the other person
Try to alter the conditionsTry to alter the conditions
Change your own communications, Change your own communications,
perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions, perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions,
behaviorsbehaviors
Self-change has prerequisites
1.1. I have to care about the relationshipI have to care about the relationship
2.2. I am willing to accept that my own choices I am willing to accept that my own choices are influencing the conflict process (even if I are influencing the conflict process (even if I can’t yet identify the effects)can’t yet identify the effects)
3.3. I am willing to give up whatever I am I am willing to give up whatever I am currently gaining from the conflict (even if I currently gaining from the conflict (even if I haven’t yet analyzed this)haven’t yet analyzed this)
4.4. I choose not to avoidI choose not to avoid
5.5. I don’t wait for the other to change firstI don’t wait for the other to change first
Some Helps in Managing ConflictsSome Helps in Managing Conflicts
Evaluate situation well (previous 3 topics):Evaluate situation well (previous 3 topics):
– Use episode model to diagnose situationUse episode model to diagnose situation
– Use episode model to ID opportunities for actionUse episode model to ID opportunities for action
– Identify tacit system rules & payoffsIdentify tacit system rules & payoffs
Apply excellent communication skills throughoutApply excellent communication skills throughout
Improve personal centeringImprove personal centering
Manage conflict interaction dynamicsManage conflict interaction dynamics
Manage Conflict Interaction Manage Conflict Interaction DynamicsDynamics
Engage in the mid-range between avoidance and Engage in the mid-range between avoidance and unrestrained conflictunrestrained conflict
Deal with fear-anger cycleDeal with fear-anger cycle
Manage escalation and de-escalation of conflictManage escalation and de-escalation of conflict
Break conflict into manageable fractionsBreak conflict into manageable fractions
Balance powerBalance power
Reframe (including from complaints to requests)Reframe (including from complaints to requests)
Managing Anger and its Expression(repeat)
Manage fear-anger cycleManage fear-anger cycle
Use your best communication skills, Use your best communication skills, including “I-messages”including “I-messages”
Receive anger effectivelyReceive anger effectively
Remember, Remember, we do not have to act the we do not have to act the way we feelway we feel
Symptoms of EscalationSymptoms of Escalation(repeat)(repeat)
CompetitionCompetition
RighteousnessRighteousness
Not listeningNot listening
Spreading to new issues and situationsSpreading to new issues and situations
Dealing in personalitiesDealing in personalities
Violating social normsViolating social norms
Intentional hurtIntentional hurt
Insults and threatsInsults and threats
De-EscalatingDe-Escalating(repeat)(repeat)
Breaking into manageable portionsBreaking into manageable portions
Listening, trying to understandListening, trying to understand
Showing concern for others’ feelingsShowing concern for others’ feelings
Appealing/suggesting de-escalationAppealing/suggesting de-escalation
Goodwill gestures, concessionsGoodwill gestures, concessions
Expressing feelingsExpressing feelings
Finding integrative alternativesFinding integrative alternatives
““Recognizing” the other human beingRecognizing” the other human being
Prevent Destructive EscalationPrevent Destructive Escalation
Use previous materialsUse previous materials
Set and keep ground rules for interactionsSet and keep ground rules for interactions
Limit issues, not expand themLimit issues, not expand them
Look for ways to reframe the other’s Look for ways to reframe the other’s behavior in positive waysbehavior in positive ways
Talk about the process and spiralTalk about the process and spiral
Power InbalancePower Inbalance
Badly unbalanced power can lead to:Badly unbalanced power can lead to:
– AbuseAbuse
– Passive-aggressive behaviorPassive-aggressive behavior
– WithdrawalWithdrawal
– Destructive spiralDestructive spiral
– Unstable agreementsUnstable agreements
Power InbalancePower Inbalance
Often, both parties feel low powerOften, both parties feel low power
Then, continually make moves to increase Then, continually make moves to increase their power at the other’s expensetheir power at the other’s expense
Constructive realignment of power is often Constructive realignment of power is often helpful, even necessaryhelpful, even necessary
Power Balancing ApproachesPower Balancing Approaches
By higher-power parties:By higher-power parties:– RestraintRestraint– Enhancing power of othersEnhancing power of others
By lower-power parties:By lower-power parties:– Focus on interdependenceFocus on interdependence– Assertiveness, calm persistenceAssertiveness, calm persistence– Stay actively engagedStay actively engaged
By both: talk about the processBy both: talk about the process
Make use of reframingMake use of reframing- including bridge frames- including bridge frames
- and moving from complaints to - and moving from complaints to requestsrequests
Additional Things to HelpAdditional Things to Help
Identify and focus on causesIdentify and focus on causes
Deal with avoidance (yours and of others) Deal with avoidance (yours and of others)
Use dance metaphorUse dance metaphor
(Throughout) improve your interpersonal (Throughout) improve your interpersonal skills and reactions to conflictskills and reactions to conflict
Identify & Deal with CausesIdentify & Deal with Causes
Rescue crew fableRescue crew fable
Need to find out what is causing the Need to find out what is causing the
problemsproblems
Put energy into preventing further Put energy into preventing further
problemsproblems
Deal With AvoidanceDeal With Avoidance
Create safety, ease, comfortCreate safety, ease, comfort
Frame discussion as relationship-buildingFrame discussion as relationship-building
Vary mode of communicationVary mode of communication
Take breaksTake breaks
Initiate discussionsInitiate discussions
Ask for help when neededAsk for help when needed
Dance MetaphorDance Metaphor
Can vary closenessCan vary closeness
Need to get close enough to engageNeed to get close enough to engage
But not too close, too quicklyBut not too close, too quickly
Go toward smaller, rather than larger Go toward smaller, rather than larger
scope (for romantic ending)scope (for romantic ending)
Conflict management focuses on Conflict management focuses on
preventing and reducing the preventing and reducing the negative or negative or
destructivedestructive aspects of conflict, while aspects of conflict, while
preserving and enhancing the preserving and enhancing the positivepositive
aspects.aspects.
Let’s Process Recent SessionsLet’s Process Recent Sessions
What was useful about the class materials What was useful about the class materials and process – and should be done in the and process – and should be done in the future?future?
What could be improved in the future?What could be improved in the future?