Author-FallingUp,AMemoirofRenewalandLearnToThrive,AnInterven;onGuidebook

Educator-FormerFacultySDSU,SchoolofSocialWork,SDSUInterworkIns;tute

Director-AllAboutInterven;onsandPastDirectorofAlcoholandOtherDrugServicesUSD

Clinician-LCSW,CDWFCandidate

PrincipalInves7gator-DepartmentofEduca;onandNI-NIAAAandothergrants

Woman-Widow,Wife,Mother,Stepmother,Grandmother,StepGrandmother

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ThankyoutoSoniaLevineandBrenéBrownforallyoudoforourindustry.

Thispresenta;onisinspireddirectlybyyourwork.

SoniaLevine.comBreneBrown.com

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DevelopedbyPsychiatristStephenKarpman

ModelofDysfunc;onalInterac;oninRela;onships

CanTravelAroundtheTriangleWithYourselforOthers

CanbeApplicableinRoman;cRela;onships,Friendships,WithinOrganiza;ons,Schools,Etc.

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Karpman Trianglea.k.a.thedramatriangle

Remorse

Powe

rlessness

AngerRescuer

Vic7m

Perpetrator

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Victim (Martyr)

I’mnotokay,butyouare,sofixme!

Lessthan,onedown

Usesguilt,sympathyseeking,pitytogetneedsmet

Actsoutofsenseofpowerlessness

Core Belief

Coping Mechanism

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Rescuer (Caretaker)

I’mokay,butyou’renot,soI’llfixyou!

Oneup,beTerthan

Seeksapproval/Worthinessthroughhelping/fixing

Actsoutofasenseoflove,compassionorduty

Maysa;sfysenseofresponsibility,oravoidguiltandshame

Core Belief

Coping Mechanism

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Rescuer (Caretaker)

Enable,care-take,rescue,fix,people-please,assume

Failtoconfront,failtosetboundaries

Deny,tolerate,joinin,keepsecrets,buygiWs,beasuper-parent/spouse/worker

Perfec;onism/overdoing

The Ways We Rescue

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Perpetrator (Offender)

I’mnotokay,butyou’renot,soyouneedtodowhatItellyou!

Oneup,beTerthan

Feelssenseofworth/powerthroughoffending

Actsoutofanger,resentment,revenge,senseofen;tlement,shame

Core Belief

Coping Mechanism

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Perpetrator (Offender)

Abuse:Emo;onal,mental,physical,sexualDrinking,ea;ng,affairs,spending,etc.

Passiveaggressivebehaviors

Cri;cism,teasing,shaming,withdrawing,beinglate,sarcasm,cynicism,taking,sighing,raisingeyebrows,patronizing,beingself-righteous,nega;veself-talk,illness,etc.

The Ways We Offend/Victimize

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Payoffs and Costs (Victim)

•Receivespity

•Getneedsmetbyrescuer:Feelscaredabout,loved

•Controlsothersthroughguilt,shameandpity

•Avoidsresponsibilitybyblaming

Payoffs Costs•Feelshelplessandtrapped

•Lackspersonalpower

•Livingahalflife

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Payoffs and Costs (Rescuer)

•Feelssaintly,superior

•Maygainafalsesenseofcontrol

•Seekslove,approval,connec;ontroughhelping

•Concentratesonothersandcanavoidself

•Gainsrespectofotherrescuers

Payoffs Costs•Helpswhentheydon’twantto,whenothershavenotasked,orevenwhenharmfultoselforothers

•Gets;redanddepleted

•Feelsunappreciated(selfpity)

•Consumedwithresentment

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Payoffs and Costs (Perpetrator)

•Avoidsdiscomfortandfeelingsbyoffendingothers

•Mayactoutofangerorrevengeandfeeljus;fied

•Feelsasenseofpseudopowerandworthinessbyscaringvic;ms

•Abletobeirresponsible,feelsuperior,andavoidfear

Payoffs Costs•Experiencesloneliness,lacksin;micy

•Lackshelpful,honestfeedbackbecauseofothersfear

•Lackofrespectfromothers(andself)

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To Be Clear...

Victim Role Being Victimized

Rescuer Role Serving Those in Need

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The Way In

Unrealis7cExpecta7ons

WhatisthestoryIammakingup? Shame

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The Way In

Shame

Iamnotenough Vic7m

Whodoyouthinkyouare?

PerpetratorRescuer

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Shame

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or

experience that “I am flawed and unworthy

of belonging”

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Victim (Martyr)

Shamesays:“Iwillneverbelong,so...”

Correlateswithshameshieldof“movingaway”

Vic7m

PerpetratorRescuer

•Ifsomeonedoesn’tlovemeorlikeme,thanImustnotbelikeableorloveable

•IwillneverhavewhatIneedorwant

•Whyme?Poorme!It’snotfair!etc.

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Rescuer (Caretaker)

Shamesays:“Iamnotenough,so...”

Correlateswithshameshieldof“movingtowards”

Vic7m

PerpetratorRescuer

•Letmetakecareofyou

•Doforyou

•Bakeyoucupcakes,etc.

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Perpetrator (Offender)

Shamesays:“Iamunloveable,

unlikeable”

Correlateswithshameshieldof“movingagainst”

Vic7m

PerpetratorRescuer

•Ifhe/sheonlylovedmethenhewould...

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Role Play

Whatrolesarethe

charactersplaying?

Vic7m Watchhowtheymovearoundthetriangle

Rescuer Perpetrator

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The Way Out: Rising Strong

Walkintoyourstory

Recognizeemo;ons/getcuriousaboutourfeelingsandhowtheyconnectwiththewaywethinkandbehave

Ownyourstory

Gethonestaboutthestorieswearemakingupaboutourstruggle

Challengetheseconfabula;ons/assump;onstodeterminewhat’struth,what’sself-protec;on,andwhatneedstochangeifwewanttoleadmorewholeheartedlives

The Reckoning

The Rumble

WriteanewendingtoyourstorybasedonthekeylearningsfromTheRumble

Usethisnewbraverstorytochangehowweengagewiththeworld,ul;matelyleadingtotransforma;on

The Revolution

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Workfromassump7onsandinten7onsofcompassionandgrace

Beaccountab

le

Exploreandsetandmaintain

bounderiesPermission

slips

Selfcompassion

Mindfulness

Ques7onexpecta7ons

The Way Out Tools and Practices

Tac7calBreathing

Choosecourageovercomfort

Selfcare

Getcurious:Exploreyour

story

“SFD”

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Resources

www.karpmandramatriangle.comwww.poweroWed.com

www.self-compassion.orgwww.mindfulselfcompassion.org

www.centerformsc.org

RisingStrongbyDr.BrenéBrownDaringGreatlybyDr.BrenéBrown

GiHsofImperfec;onbyDr.BrenéBrown

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