The Langley Chamber of Commerce

presents its 33nd Mystery Weekend

By Loretta Martin ___________________________________

COMPANY OF PLAYERS

Trevor Arnold

John Ball

Kelly Baugh

Saranell De Chambeau

Pat Collins

Bob Essex

Wayne Furber

George Gutohrlein

Josh Hauser

Mike Hill

Matt Hoar

Dave Holt

Annie Horton

Joanne Lechner

Jerry Lechner

Joe McDougald

Rachel McDougald

Fred O’Neal

Salem O’Neal

Ilana O’Neal

Ben Parks

Riley Pomeroy

Anita Reber

Max Rodriguez

Tim Simon

Sarah L. Simon

Steve Sloan

Shayne Thomas

Linda Trefys

Lilly van Gerbig

Rick Waclawik

Audrey Weir

Chris Williams

J. Scott Williams

___________________________________

Photos: Sharon Lundahl

Detective I.B. Fuzz confronts Officer Polly Graph and Coroner Gus

Gruesome at murder scene while Hagatha Kisstea intervenes.

February 25 & 26, 2017 Mystery Weekend Edition Volume XXXIII

Strange Body Found Friday An anonymous 2 a.m. phone call to 911 had Langley Police officer Polly Graph setting out crime scene tape behind The Saratoga Inn before sunrise on Friday.

The anonymous caller said he had seen a very large gorilla dead behind the inn and thought the police should inves-tigate.

When Officer Graph arrived she immediately discovered the "ape" was a tall man in a cos-tume. After securing the scene she called Coroner Gus Grue-some. Upon arriving Gruesome told Graph to help him load the body for transport to the morgue but that they would postpone the crime scene inves-tigation until daylight.

The investigation of the crime scene started at 6 a.m. Friday morning with Officer Polly Graph, Coroner Gus Gruesome, and Detective I.B.

cousin Fuzz before a fight broke out at the crime scene.

As of the time of this story, Dr. Gruesome had not begun the autopsy and could not identify the deceased until next of kin were notified. However, he said he would inform the Langley Gazette as soon as possible.

EXTRA: Big Foot Body Identified The costumed man found dead on 2nd St. was identified as Stone Fissure. See: Strange, pg. 2; In Memoriam ,pg. 4

Fuzz investigating. Graph took photos, Dr. Gruesome and his assistant collected forensic evi-dence, and Fuzz spent most of the morning supervising and complaining that she had not been called earlier. Since Fuzz is only a consulting detective, Of-ficer Graph felt there was no rea-son to call Fuzz at three in the morning, and told her so. Hagatha Kisstea tried to calm her

Since news got out about Big Foot sightings near Langley, Washington, City Hall has been inundated with requests for hunting permits.

The City clerk was so overwhelmed that she asked Mayor Pro-Tem, Josh DeFax, if she would handle the requests. Ms. DeFax agreed and has been telling ap-plicants that they must meet personally with her be-fore she issues a hunting permit.

As DeFax put it, "That way I can make sure there aren't a lot of oddballs shooting up the woods."

The first permit was issued earlier this week to Dr. Claude Dolittle and Dr. Bambi Hunter who promise they will not be using lethal weapons but will be try-ing to capture the "Whidbey Sasquatch" live so it can be transferred to Dr. Dolittle's lab for study.

Dr. Dolittle is a research biologist at the Orson Bradbary Research Institute in Roswell, New Mexico.

Hunters Aim For Big Foot

Emil Endicott of Langley First Tourism and Historical Society member Freda Frye are thrown out of Historical Society meeting by Museum Board Members Clara Bouyant and President of the Board Lilly Land-tree.

The Gazette was at the Muse-um Wednesday evening to cover the Historical Society meeting. A confrontation erupted when Board Member Freda Frye and "Langley First Tourism" Presi-dent Emil Endicott proposed that the Museum capture the "Whidbey Sasquatch" and have a taxidermist prepare it for per-manent display at the Museum.

Mr. Endicott stated, "This creature could be a huge tourist draw for Langley."

When asked by Betty Tauker why they wanted to kill and stuff the Sasquatch Ms. Frye replied, "A creature that big would be a major problem to control in a cage and just think of the food bills!"

Historical Society President Lilly Landtree immediately threw the duo out of the meet-ing, much to the delight of Betty Tauker and Clara Bouyant.

His hunting companion is re-nowned animal tracker and vet-erinarian, Bambi Hunter, of Washington State University. Dr. Dolittle has traveled the world trying to capture a Big Foot for the institute.

According to Dr. Dolittle, "The Institute feels the limited area of an island will give us a better chance to capture the creature." The only other permit the Mayor Pro-Tem has issued was to Crypto Biologist Doug-las Ferr and his group "Big Foot Friends" who want to protect the Sasquatch. Other permit re-quests DeFax is considering come from Harry Varmit of the Darnum & Daily Circus and Red Herring, a very experi-enced big game hunter from Austin, Texas.

"Things should get pretty interesting in those wood." said DeFax, "I'm trying to make sure no one gets killed."

New Members and New Products

At their monthly meeting February 10, the 49ers Men's Club welcomed back member Joe Curr, who had successfully defended himself in the murder of Sir Laurence Burton.

Curr just received his law license and has set up his office, Jail House Law, in Maxwelton. The 49ers also welcomed two new members, Pat Hand and Max Moula.

Group President Al Betseroff told The Ga-zette, "We are happy to welcome these great guys. We not only need some new players at our weekly poker games but we need help raising operating money. The Men's Club is having trouble raising funds to maintain the Geaherdelli mansion and es-tate which they inherited from the late Coco Geaherdelli for their club house. They make some money from their Chocolate Banana Slug farm but their beverage sales have dropped.

Betseroff said, "In light of the publicity the Whidbey Sasquatch has been getting we will be selling "Sasquatch Sausage" made from Gus Grue-some's old family recipe and our nutritious Choco-late Banana Slugs. We will also be producing a "Sasquatch Soda" which will be a rich and earthy root beer. Both will be sold by mail order."

The 49ers past money-making schemes have sel-dom been successful but The Gazette wishes them luck with their new mail-order business. The Geaherdelli estate is a landmark which should be preserved.

Members of The 49ers Men's’ Club meet at Double Bluff Brewery to announce new mem-bers and kick off their new fundraising program for the Geaherdelli Estate.

From left to right: C.Z. Cash, Al Betseroff, Daryll B. Moretacome, new member Pat Hand, and returning member Joe Curr.

the group but could use more adults, especially lawyers and community organizers who can help set up protective legisla-tion," said Ferr.

Interested people should contact Ferr at 1-555-BIG-FOOT or attend one of the BFF rallies in Langley.

The International humanoid protection group Big Foot Friends (BFFs)

have opened a chapter on South Whidbey Island.

From left to right: Ivy Verdont, Lotus Larch, Sally Cedar, Rocky Boulder,

Forrest Bracken, Douglas Ferr, and Flora Enfauna.

Q&A Is the Whidbey Big Foot a Big Hoax?

Betty Tauker

“I believe the good people

who have seen Sasquatch

are telling the truth.”

Crypto Biologist Douglas Ferr has been issued a Sasquatch hunt-ing permit by Mayor Pro-Tem, Josh DeFax. According to the well known Big Foot expert he has no intention of capturing or killing the "Whidbey Island Sas-quatch."

According to Ferr, "I feel this creature is the missing link be-tween man and animal and is therefore neither. The remaining members of this ancient species deserve our respect and protec-tion, not caging, scientific testing or killing!"

Douglas Ferr was the protégé of Professor Grover Krants of Washington State University, considered the world expert on the creatures collectively called Big Foots.

After his mentor's death in 2002, Douglas Ferr established the Krantz Crypto Biology Foun-dation and its offshoot the Big Foot Friends, better known as the BFFs.

Ferr has traveled the world on behalf of the foundation. "I have studied sightings of the Yeti in Nepal, The Swamp Ape in Flori-da, and the Yowie Man in Aus-tralia" Ferr told The Gazette.

In each of those areas he has also established a branch of the BFFs to protect the interests of the creature.

"The Whidbey branch of the BFFs is currently open to new members. We already have sever-al enthusiastic young people in

Red Herring

“If it’s a hoax I’ll be darn

mad! I’ve spent a bundle

on this hunt already.”

Harry Varmit

“I sure hope not! I’m be-

ing paid a bundle to cap-

ture the creature for the

circus.”

Benton Wenning

“I suspect it’s a hoax used

by I.S.F.A.T. for publicity.

But it’s good to be home!”

The International Society of Science Fiction Arts and Tech-nology (ISFAT) selected The Inn at Langley as the venue for its first convention.

According to ISFAT Presi-dent, Stone Fissure, "We are a new and relatively small organi-zation so Langley was a good fit for our first convention.

We are sure to grow as the word gets out to the thousands of unrecognized artists who are the true backbone of the SciFi indus-try."

The scope and diversity of those behind the scenes profes-sionals was evident in the board members of the organization who posed for photos in front of the Inn's reflecting pool.

In addition to President and stunt man, Stone Fissure, (not pictured) The Gazette met his wife Shari Fissure who was the understudy for Princess Leia in the first Star Wars movie, Vice President Al Luzeon known for his special effects work, Treas-urer Madison "Mad" Fallscraft, a stunt coordinator, and Secre-tary Natalie Drezed, costume designer.

Also attending the conven-tion were Sketch Able best known for his background art used in SicFi movies and car-toons and his grandson, Peter Barker.

Rounding out the early arri-vals were makeup artist Maxine Factor, and former Langley res-

ident Benton Wenning who has been working as a stand-in and understudy in Holly-wood for several years.

Stone Fissure, who runs his own stunt company, "Hollywood Fall Guys," said most people who work behind the scenes in the SciFi indus-try are not well paid and their only recognition is mention in the credits that roll at the end of a movie. Television work-ers get no recognition.

As Fissure told The Ga-zette, "ISFAT hopes to bring these anonymous artists to-gether to share ideas and sup-port. Who knows what might come of this?"

I.S.F.A.T. members meet for first convention at The Inn at Langley. From left to right:

Natalie Drezed, Maxine Facter, Madison (Mad) Fallscraft, Peter Barker, Shari Fissure,

Al Luzeon, and Sketch Able. Not pictured is Society President, Stone Fissure.

In Memoriam Stone Fissure

1951-2017 Stone Fissure, a well known and respected Hollywood stunt-man, died Thursday in Langley, Washington under unusual cir-cumstances. Mr. Fissure was 69 and presumed to be in excellent health. Foul play is suspected in his death.

Over six-foot-nine inches tall with a muscular build, Stone Fis-sure handled the roughest of stunts. In the 1970s Mr. Fissure worked as a stunt double for James Arness in Gunsmoke, Lou Ferrigno in The Hulk, and Peter Graves in the Mission Impossi-ble television series.

In 1976 Stone's stunt skills and height moved George Lucas to sign him a stunt double and understudy for Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca) in the first Star Wars movie.

It was on the set of Star Wars that Stone met Shari South who was the understudy and stand-in for Carrie Fisher. The couple married in June of 1977 just weeks after the premier of the movie.

Mr. Fissure continued to work in Hollywood as a stunt man and later opened an independent stunt production company, The Hollywood Fall Guys.

In recent years Stone had spo-ken about retiring and sailing around the world in his luxury yacht, Star Gazer.

Mr. Fissure is survived by his wife Shari, brother Flint Fissure of Butte, Montana, and nephew Rockford Fissure of Boulder, Colorado. He was preceded in death by his parents Samson and Mary Fissure.

According to Mr. Fissure's Press Agent, a private memorial service will be held for Stone Fissure in the Sky Chapel of the Experience Music Project at the Seattle Center. The date has not yet been announced as the body is being held pending the find-ings of an autopsy.

It started with tales of a young dirt biker being rescued by a big hairy creature in the Saratoga Woods on New Years Day. After that encounter went viral on the internet, sightings of the "Whidbey Island Sasquatch" took off with more "sightings" every week. Within days of the first

sightings Big Foot hunters and news outlets converged on Langley and Saratoga Woods. After none were able to sight the creature most left the town in peace. Then on February 20th hundreds reported strange lights hovering off Saratoga Passage. The lights, in a large V shape,

moved slowly and silently from the water over the town of Langley and continued along Brooks Hill Road, disappearing into the woods near the city wa-ter works. Many observers swore it was a giant flying sau-cer. Others figure it was a pub-licity stunt to kick off the ISFAT convention. Whatever the lights were Emil Endicott, of "Langley First Tourism" is

happy because, "This latest strange sighting has reopened national interest in South Whid-bey and Langley." Will Langley become the next Roswell?

Flying Saucer Reported Over Langley