falling out excerpt

7/31/2019 Falling Out Excerpt

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An excerpt from Falling Out

By Kandace Cornell

As he did every time, Sams dad picked us up at Wilmington Station to drive us the45 minutes to the Donovans house in the suburbs. Once we got off the highway, hemade the usual phone call to Linda who recited a list of groceries that she needed tomake that nights dinner, and we would stop and pick them up at the supermarket.

Tonight was grilled steaks with mashed potatoes and spinach. In her text messageearlier that week, Linda had given me the choice between meat and fish, as if I werea guest at a wedding. Mine was the tie-breaking vote since Sam had wanted fish andCharlie had also chosen steak.

Of course you and my brother both picked the same thing, Sam had said in a tone

that I knew was meat to be accusatory but disguised as a good-natured implicationthat Charlie and I were soulmates. As if choosing the same mealwith 50/50 oddsat thatwere a sign from the universe.

Her father double-parked outside of the supermarket, reclined the back of his seat,turned on NPR, and shut his eyesthe way he always didwhile Sam and I wentinside, split the grocery list in half and met at the register to pay with the $100 billJoe had silently handed her through the drivers side window.

Charliewho was about to finish his senior year at U.Del and had decided to live athome for the summer was outside, watering the shrubs with a garden hose when

we pulled into the driveway.

Even though it was only a barely 60-degree May afternoon, he had discarded hiswhite t-shirt, revealing his perfectly bronzed abs, and a sliver of plaid boxer shortsabove the waistband of his cargo pants. The diamond studs in his ears glistened inthe afternoon sun.

What a little show-off, Sam giggled to me as we unloaded the plastic grocery bagsfrom the trunk. Joe carried the large bag of charcoal for the grill while Sam and Iscooped up everything else.

Hey, Hotshot, you gonna help or are you late for your affair with one of theDesperate Housewives? Sam yelled to him, slamming the passengers side doorclosed with her hip.

Youre one to talk about having affairs, I thought to myself.


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Good one, Loser, Charlie said, grinning, as he dropped the hose, transferred thedirt from his hands onto his pants, and took three bags from Sam, loading them uphis left arm.

Hey, Buddy, he acknowledged me, taking my two bags with his free hand.

Are the sprinklers broken? Sam asked before I could respond. Why the hell areyou out here watering like a little slave boy?

Yeah, somethings wrong with the system, Charlie said, stopping to turn off thespigot as we walked through the garage, heading for the kitchen door. The guyscoming out to look at it tomorrow. Mom didnt feel well, so she asked me to waterthe plants.

Linda was an avid gardener. A red flag immediately went off in my head knowingthat she had shirked her arbor duties that day. She also was an If you want

something done, then do it yourself typeunlike my own mother, who had relisheddelegating tasks, even before she died.

Before I had time to analyze this, we were in the kitchen and Linda was alreadyflitting around getting the ingredients ready.

Her face lit up as soon as she saw us, and she pulled Sam and me into a hug whileCharlie set the bags down on the counter. She wore almost no makeup and herstrawberry blond hair was twisted into a hair clip. She was wearing a pair of jeansand a powder blue sweater that looked slightly too big on her frame. She had a soft,maternal face but she was still lean and sinewy, like Sam.

Im so happy youre home! she exclaimed, giving us each a robust kiss on the top ofthe head before we broke free from her embrace.

I heard the familiar sounds of faint coach whistles and sneakers squeaking on abasketball court coming from the television in the family room.

I could hear Joe on the back deck fiddling with the grill, and Auntie Peg was seatedwith a glass of Sauvignon Blanc at the wooden farm table that made a barrierbetween the kitchen and the entrance to the long family room. An apple cider-scented candle was burning away in its glass cylinder in front of her.

Hey girlfriends! she called to us, without moving from her seat. Auntie Peg didnthug hello, only goodbye. Her forehead was gleamingshe often ran the two milesfrom her condo to the house.

How are my college girls? Linda asked, quickly adding, Where are your bags? Didyou bring them in? before we could answer.


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Joe! she called through the little kitchen window with pink curtains over the sink.Did you bring the girls bags in?

Mom, its fine, well get them later, Sam laughed, used to her mothers fawning. OrIll make your minion grab them for us, she directed at her brother who was putting

the food away in the fridge.

Charlie, as the oldest and the only boy, always happily complied to his mothersrequests and helped out without being askedunlike Sam, who usually balked atevery turn.

Good qualities in a husband, I noted, then banished the thought from my mind. Stopit. Hes Sams brother, I reminded myself.

Oh, Honey, thank you for finishing the plants, Linda said sweetly, taking a bottle ofCanola oil from him. Did you remember to getthe Azaleas?

She often asked questions rhetorically, not waiting for a response before launchinginto another topic.

Those silly sprinklers are on the fritz again! she explained to us. Are you kidshungry? Shall I have Daddy fire up the grill now?

Im starved, I offered, knowing Linda loved serving hungry people. Sam wasnt abig eater, probably because she was so used to big home-cooked meals that she tookthem for granted, but Charlie and I had healthy appetites.

Sure, Im ready whenever, Sam said agreeably, collapsing into the chair oppositeAuntie Peg.

Okay, good, Linda smiled, setting down a glass pitcher of lemonade. She calledoutside to Joe again and told him to go ahead and warm up the grill.

Erin, Honey, will you grab thatbox of crackers for me? she asked, pointing to thesmall pantry behind me. I bought some delicious goat cheese at the farmers markettoday. You all have to try some, its out of this world!

Why dont you sit down for a second, Sweetpea, youre going a mile a minute,

Auntie Peg suggested to Linda.

I suddenly noticed that Lindas eyes looked hollow like a raccoons, with deep bagsunderneath that looked as if they were drawn with a pencil. Something set off atrigger inside me, so I opened the box of crackers, took the plastic cheese platterdown from the cabinet over the stove, unwrapped the goat cheese after I found it ina drawer in the fridge, and began to nonchalantly arrange it all at the counter, trying


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to stay a step ahead of Linda. I was silently impressed with myself for knowing myway around the kitchen.

Look at you two! Linda said cheerfully, picking up her wine glass and taking theseat between Sam and Auntie Peg at the head of the table. Charlie had pulled out the

steaks and begun to marinate them with peppercorn seasoning.

You dont even need me! she chuckled as Charlie and I whizzed by each other, backand forth, grabbing bowls, taking turns pulling things out and putting things back inthe fridge.

Outside, the end of the afternoon sun was casting deep shadows across the backyard, signaling that the work week was over and it was time to relax.

I wish it were warm enough to eat outside, Sam said, pouring herself a glass oflemonade.

I know, Linda said disappointedly. I was hoping for a nice early summer. But itllbe here soon enough!

* * *

As we took our places for dinner at the six-seater table with its stubby wooden legsand high-backed chairs, Linda turned on her favorite Rod Stewart album forbackground music and switched the television on mute so Joe and Charlie could stillsee the college basketball game from their seats.

We cut into our steaksrare for Joe and Charlie, medium for Sam and me, and well-done for Linda and Auntie Peg so we could confirm that they were all cookedproperly.

Joe emitted a long, rumbling groan as he savored his first bite. He was a man of fewwords, and I had learned, along with the rest of the family, to decipher the meaningof each of his various sound effects.

This particular one meant, This food is good. One short staccato grunt was usually areaction to a new piece of information that he was surprised to learn; a sharpexhalation (similar to the sound of someone burning his hand on a stove) meant that

his team had missed a shot, hit, pass or a goal (depending on whether it wasbasketball, baseball, football, or hockey season); and a deep growl accompanied by apurple face meant Get out of my sight immediately.

I had only seen that one once, when Charlies best friend, Alex, had smashed intoJoes Saab with his Suburban in the driveway, completely indenting the entire leftside of the vehicle. I prayed to never have to see thatsight again.


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My father was no Chris Rock, but at least he had a decent personality when he tried.Dads lack of communication with me while I was growing up had more to do withthe fact that he had literally nothing in common with a teenage girl and so becamesocially awkward around my friends and me. Joe Donovan, on the other hand, wassimply boring.

He would walk in the door from work in the evenings, shutting the screen behindhim and loosening his tie as if he were being strangled. His dark brown hair, parteddeeply on one side and secured with gel, was graying slightly at the temples and hiswhite button-down shirt strained at the buttons around his slight beer gut. The cuffswere always rolled up to his elbows haphazardly and you could see the outline of hisundershirt underneath. On his way to the refrigerator hed give Linda a gruff kiss onthe cheek, pull out a Heineken, and chug half of it with his briefcase still in his hand.

Shitty, was always his flat answer when Linda would ask how his day wasas ifhe took his social cues from the father on The Wonder Years.

Alright, alright, Linda would say good naturedly, shrugging to the peanut gallery,as if to say,Ask a stupid question

Sam had learned long ago that if she wanted her fathers attention, shed better learnto like sports. This necessity actually worked in her favor as she got older, and sheoften impressed guys at bars with her vast knowledge of sports jargon and playerstatistics.

Besides the Superbowl and the World Series, the only sporting event my father wasinterested in was golf. And I just didnt have the stamina to learn anything about the

game. What guy is impressed by golf vocabulary, anyway?

Can we talk about my graduation party? Charlie asked, after a few minutes ofsilence, like a little boy excited about his birthday.

Sure, Sweetheart, Linda said, shooting a glance at Joe, who didnt seem to pick upon the signalwhatever it was. How about we start planning it tomorrow?

Okay, Charlie said, taking a healthy bite of steamed spinach.

Hows yourdad, Honey? Linda asked me, quickly changing the subject.

Oh hes fine, I said.Is he still seeing that Kim woman? she asked, taking a sip of wine.Yeah, I answered, shrugging. He seems pretty happy with her.Because shes awesome! Sam interjected.Aww, good for him, Linda smiled.

* * *


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Once Sam, Charlie, and I finished clearing the table after dinner, we all trudgedupstairs to change into comfortable clothes.

Sam was like a completely different person when she was home. It was no wonderall of Charlies friends were in love with her. To them, she looked like the ultimate

girl next door. She wore her hair in pigtail braids, she lived in Charlies U. Del sweats,and her eyes were a golden-hazel underneath her glasses, since she didnt botherwith her usual blue-tinted contacts.

She was a far cry from the sexual vixen everyone knew at GW. In fact, it made meblush just to imagine what Joe and Linda would think if they knew what their littlegirl was doing with her middle-aged, married, senator pig of a boss. They were soproud of Sam for working her way up so quickly and making a difference in thisunjust world.

Charlie had invited Alexincidentally, one of his three friends that had been with

Samover to play board games with us that night. Sam, who wouldnt dream ofspending a Friday night anywhere else but at a bar back in Washington, and Charlie,whom Id seen take shots until he threw up on several occasions, both happilyengaged in boisterous rounds ofPictionary, Scrabble, and even Charades while theywere at the Donovan house.

As I was changing into my yoga pants, Sam plowed into my room, unfazed to see mestanding in my thong, and started rifling through my duffle.

Hey do you haveoh good, I forgot mine, she said, pulling a bottle of contactsolution from my bag. I was used to her invasion of boundaries, and in fact, saw it as

a testament to our close friendship.

Youre changing your contacts? I asked, folding down the waistband on my pants.Did you forget to bring your glasses?

No, but theyve been giving me a headache recently, she said.

I wasnt buying it. I could tell she was doing it for Alexs sake, though I wasnt surewhy. Shed known him almost her whole lifehed seen her at her worst.

While Sam fingered her eyeballs with the contacts in the mirror above the bureau, I

sat on my bed and looked around the room. It looked as if it were in a transitionalphase, like someone in the middle of gender re-assignment surgery.

The paisley floral guest bedspread was still on the full-sized bed, the old rockingchair in the corner still had a crocheted afghan draped across the back, and thenightstand had a small bouquet of fake flowersall of which were Lindas doingbut the room had slowly begun to show signs of me.


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My phone charger was plugged in next to the bed, my huge metal Eiffel Towerfigurine and desktop computer sat on the antique writing table, a few of my stuffedanimals decorated the bed, and the huge collage that Sam had given to me forChristmas hung on the wall. It displayed photos of us at various stages in collegewith the words Best Friends Foreverwritten at the top in pink bubble letters.

Sam had made herself an identical version that also was framed and hung above thechild-sized desk in her bedroom, next to her girlish, pink canopy bed. Sam hadntallowed Linda to redecorate or change anything in the room since she was six yearsold. Her white changing table was even still shoved in the corner, and now heldstacks of jeans and folded sweatshirts.

After Sam was finished, we thundered down the stairs and found the boys setting upthe Scrabble board on the living room coffee table. They had lit a fire in the fireplacesince it was a chilly evening and the heat had already been turned off for the season.

No, I hate Scrabble, Sam whined, lets play Taboo.Since when do you hate Scrabble? Charlie asked, looking incredulous.

I knew when she started hating Scrabble: as soon as I came along and startedbeating her. I was better at verbal games, while Sam excelled in strategic ones likeMonopolyand Chess. Sam hated to lose, and since Taboo was played in teams, wewere able to combine talents. Sam was quick on her feet, while I had a strongvocabulary, making us a force to be reckoned with.

Were playing Taboo, Sam announced definitively. You guys against Me and Erin,and Mom and Dad, she said as she pulled out the hourglass and the obnoxious

buzzer.

I restrained myself from pointing out that it was correct to say Mom and Dad, andErin and menot the other way aroundbut it was so like Sam to list herself firstwithout even realizing it.

Were not going to play tonight, Honey, Linda announced from the kitchen as sheand Auntie Peg finished putting the dishes away.

Why?! we all asked in unison.

Because I had a long day and I want to get up early tomorrow and take the girlsshopping, Linda said, sounding too tired to make her tone chipper. I craned myneck from my spot on the floor and saw her wiping down the kitchen island with asponge.

You kids have fun, she continued. Theres some beer in the fridge you can have aslong as nobodygoes near that car, she said sternly, referring to the black Jetta thatSam and Charlie shared when they were home.


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This was only slightly odd. Even though Sam and I were still underage, Lindanormally allowed us to drink without issuesince she knew we did it at schoolanywaybut it was usually a concession more than an outright offer.

Ill stick around for a few more minutes and play a round with you guys, AuntiePeg announced, stepping down into the sunken family room. She pulled her wild,sandy brown hair into a short ponytail and flopped down on the floor with us in hercropped running pants and t-shirt with the phrase, If I agreed with you then wedboth be wrong, printed on the front.

But then I have to go home and get some beauty sleep before my date withBryyyyyyanthe chef tomorrow, she said, referring to her latest Match.com success.I cant stay up all night like you knuckleheads anymore.

* * *

A few rounds later, a six-pack of Heineken had been consumed and the score was 5to 2 in our favor. Auntie Peg was gone and Linda and Joe had long-since turned offthe kitchen lights and headed upstairs. I could hear the water running through thepipes and Joes lumbering footsteps walking in and out of their bathroom above ourheads.

Heineken sucks, Charlie opined, scrunching his face. Why does Dad drink thiscrap? Sam, were there any Stellas in there?

I have no idea, check in the basement, Sam replied, getting up to use the bathroom.

I didnt feel like sitting alone with Alex while Charlie hunted for beer, so I decided togo upstairs and check my phone to see if anyonehopefully Matt, though I wasntholding my breath since Id only heard from him once since the Dancing Crabhadcalled me.

I tiptoed up the stairs, so as not to disturb Joe and Linda as I crept past theirbedroom, but they still werent asleep. Through their closed door I heard themspeaking in hushed tones.

So, what, youre just not going to tell them anything? Joe said, sounding frustrated.

No, not while the kids are here! Linda responded firmly. I never get to see themanymore, and Im not going to upset them again for no good reason. Everything isgoing to be fine.

Joe sighed loudly. Another sound effect. Well what if its not?


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Yeah, Im fine, I said, breathing in the scent of him. It was so familiar. He smelledlike home. Thanks for asking, though.

You seemeddistracted, he said, refusing to drop the issue. I smiled inside,touched that he could read me so well. I suddenly felt a rush of closeness to him.

Did Sam say something that upset you?

He, of all people, understood the kind of person Sam was and the kind of effect shehad on the people around heralthough he never had a bad word to say about her.

No, no, really, I said, wracking my brain to come up with an excuse that wouldsatisfy him. I was finished with exams for the semester, and he knew I didnt have aboyfriend occupying my thoughts.

Being here just makes me think about my mom sometimes, I finally said. Then Irealized it wasnt just an excuse.

I know, he said, pulling at a thread on the comforter. I know its not the same, butI really understand how you feel. It wasnt always like this. When your mom is in thehospital on Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and your birthday, and youre never sure iftoday will be the day she wont come home, its hard to imagine having a normal dayever again.

I knew all of this from Sam, of course, but for some reason I felt worse for Charlie inthat moment. It was the first time Id ever heard about Lindas illness from Charliesperspective. Sam always used this information as more as a one-upper in a pitycontest, or an automatic get-out-of-jail-free card to justify her behavior, while

Charlies emotions felt raw and genuine. Plus, Sams feelings always had a way ofshouting louder than everyone elses and I hadnt really thought about how Charliehad felt. His job, like mine, was always to comfort Sam first.

While I had suffered plenty, I couldnt even relate to their experience. Mom had beendiagnosed in March of seventh grade and was gone by July. My childhood holidaymemories were all intact. The first ones without Mom were painful, of course, but Iaccepted that I was being forced into a new chapter. It had felt like moving out of thehouse for the first timea tough adjustment, but an inevitable stage of life.

For some reason, my eyes began to sting with tears. I wasnt sure what was causing

them, but I held them back anyway.

We just try to not look back, hard as it is, he continued. I guess you could say welive in denial, but its less painful than talking about Mom being sick. All we can do isjust be grateful that the worst is over.

I knew I couldnt say anything about what Id just heard, but I felt a pang of guilt forkeeping it from himand knowing that the worst may nothave been over. I started


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to wonder if maybe I hadnt even understood Linda correctly. Maybe Id imaginedwhat Id heard, or maybe I had completely misconstrued the meaning of theconversation. I was known to jump to conclusions.

Thats how I am too, I said. Theres no point in thinking about the past. Its over.

You can only live for the future.

And the present, he added, moving slowly towards me. Lifes too short to regretanything.

Absolutely, I said, feeling magnetized to him, ignoring the trite expression.

Youre so strong, Erin, he said, and inhaled sharply, as if he were gearing up tojump off of a cliff. I love that about you.

Suddenly his lips were on mine. The kiss was soft and perfect; our lips fit perfectly

together. It made me dizzy, yet somehow I felt as if he were saving mefromsomething. I wanted my mouth to be glued to his forever. I wanted to jump out thewindow with him, run away, and never come back. But then he delicately pulledaway and my mind came back to earth. I could barely make out his smile in thedarkness.

Good night, Erin, he whispered, and quietly stood up to leave. I started to screaminside. I wanted him to crawl into my bed and lay with me. Please dont leave, Iwanted to beg. Stay with me.

But Good night was all I could manage to whisper back.

I writhed under the covers with frustration after he closed my door. Once again, Samwas the one keeping me from having what I wanted, and she didnt even know it.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, the reality of the previous night began to sink inlike a rock weighing down on my chest. I now had two secrets from Sam: I had foundout her mother may have been sick again, and I had kissed her brother all in thesame night. I shuddered at the hypothetical repercussions of Sam finding herbrother in my bed.

I had never kept secrets from Sam before, and I wasnt sure how long I could lastwithout blurting them out.

Hey, get up, she said after bursting into my room and bounding onto my bed like agolden retriever at 8:45 a.m. Mom made waffles for you. Belgian waffles withwhipped cream and strawberries were my moms Christmas morning tradition.


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I couldnt decide which I was more excited about, a belly full of waffles, or seeingCharlie again after our monumental kiss. I felt another pang of guilt and couldntlook Sam in the eye.

Okay, let me get dressed, I said.

Get dressed? Sam asked, furrowing her brow. You look fine, my dads not going toget all turned on by you in your little hot pants, dont worry.

Thats the least of my worries, I thought.

Can you at least get me a pair of Charlies sweatpants, please? I asked.

Yes, Your Highness, she sighed sarcastically, heading for the door. She opened it toleave, and then shut it again quickly, turned to me, and whispered, Oh, by the way,Alex totally slept in my bed last night!

Sam! I said, laughing so I didnt come off preachy again. There was just no gettingthrough to Sam. I was done coaching her on the importance of personal values.

Chill out, we just cuddled, she said wryly.

I wasnt sure if I believed her or not, but it didnt really matter either way. I suddenlybecame irritated knowing that Sam had been with a boy all night while Id gonewithoutin deference to her, no less.

Does Charlie know? I asked.

Um, of course not, hed flip, she said, not sounding the least bit concerned that hemight find out. Sam, on the other hand, was very good at keeping secrets. I pushedthe frustration out of my mind.

* * *

After I changed, I came downstairs in Charlies sweats feeling saucy andscandalousthe way Sam felt every time she left Calvins office, I imaginedarmedwith a secret that only he and I knew about.

Charlie was pouring coffee as I walked down the stairs. His back was facing me, but Icould see that he was wearing a navy hooded sweatshirt and his un-gelled hair wasadorably mussed from sleep. Sam was sitting at one end of the table yawning, andJoe was buried in the paper on the other end.

Good morning, Sweetheart, Linda said, looking up from the waffle iron to greet me.I made your favorite!


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I see that! I responded cheerfully, echoing her tone. How sweet of you toremember!

Actually, it was Charlie Horse over here that reminded me, Linda said brightlyblissfully oblivious.

Oh yeah? I asked, looking towards him. He turned around and locked eyes withme, then acknowledged the sweats with a warm smile. The mood felt post-coitaleven though it wasnt. I suddenly wished he were the one making me morning-afterwaffles, but I decided this was the next best thing.

In a different atmosphere, Linda interrupted like a freight train without realizing it.

If you girls have anything you want me to wash, throw it down in the basement, Imgoing to do a load of whites this afternoon. Actually, Honey, can you go get thetowels for me? she directed at Sam, who was sitting with her feet propped on a

chair.

Mom! Sam protested. Do you really need towels this exact second?

Being waited on was Sams way of expressing her sense of entitlement. I knew shefelt that Linda owed her for all of the grief she had caused with her health struggles.

Alright, fine, Ill get them later, Linda conceded as she squirted a spiral of ReddyWhip onto a waffle.

Why couldnt Sam just get the damn towels?

I almost offered to get them myself, but it felt inappropriate. Charlie came to therescue, as usual, saying, Ill get em. I need socks anyway.

As he jogged down the steps to the basement, I remembered his words from thenight before.

Youre so strong. I love that about you.

It wasnt quite I love you, but it was only off by two words. I could live with that.

* * *

Even though classes had ended for the semester, on Sunday Sam and I headed backto D.C. for the summer. Sam had been promoted quickly from an intern toadministrative assistant, to Calvins personal assistantand now I knew whyandshe was being paid under the table in addition to receiving school credit.


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This fact irked me tremendously, since my father had only agreed to let me stay inthe dorms for the summer if I got a part-time job or took summer classes. Sam wasessentially killing two birds with one stone and getting away with it.

I decided to take summer classes and knock off a few of my course requirements,

since the idea of a job combined with my unpaid internship seemed like too much totake on.

Another perk was that I would earn enough credits to graduate a semester early if Iwanted to. I arranged my schedule so that I interned two days a week and tookclasses three days a week, while Sam did 9 to 5 on Capital Hill, with frequent latenightsshockerand even the occasional weekend trip with Calvin for politicalrallies.

I wasnt sure how this fooled anyone in Calvins officeor maybe he always kept aconstant rotation of attractive personal assistants, and this was nothing new.

As the summer went on, I became increasingly unhappy. My internship was a joke,my classes felt interminable, and Sam hardly ever had time for me anymore. I wasalso overdue for what my mother used to call the Two Year Itch.

All throughout my childhood, I would start a new after-school activity, only to growtired of it after two years, like clockwork. Ballet, soccer, piano, tennis, swim teamIhad even wanted to transfer high schools after sophomore year.

The pattern grew especially consistent after Mom died. I enjoyed each stage while Iwas in it, but once things that were out of my control started changinglike my

soccer coach having a baby, or my piano teacher retiring, or my old friends droppingout of swim meetsI always wanted to move on instead of adjusting to the newenvironment. I hated when the best parts were behind me, and when everythingaround me was charging forward, I needed a way to seize control.

I was reminded of a line from Mary Poppins, when Julie Andrews tells the children, Ishall stay until the wind changes.

* * *

Once I had left Delaware, it became easier for me to push the kiss with Charlie out of

my thoughts. I knew it needed to stay safely hidden in the back of my mind, and Iwas very good at blocking memories.

I was excited when the first weekend in August rolled around, which was the onedesignated for Charlies graduation party.

Sam had taken that Friday off from workCalvin basically gave her free reignsoshe had left on Thursday night. I, on the other hand, had a Thursday evening class


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and Angela had refused to give me Friday off. As a consolation, she let me leave intime to catch the 3:30 train.

When I arrived at Wilmington Station, I was pleasantly surprised to find Charliewaiting for me alone in the Jetta. He looked too big for the car, like a grown man

driving a childs Barbie Jeep.

I knew that in high school, Charlie had been allowed to drive the Saab to schoolwhile his father took the train to workuntil Sam got her license two years later.She had insisted that the three of them couldnt all share the Saab, and she refusedto drive her mothers minivan, so Joe and Linda had agreed to buy the kids a car touse. It was pretty obvious who had picked the little black Jetta.

Hey stranger, he said jovially, leaning across the passengers seat to open the doorfor me. Even with his seat all the way back, his knees still grazed the steering wheel.

Hey, Mr. College Grad, I said flirtatiously. He was chewing spearmint gum, which Ihoped was a sign that he was freshening his breath in preparation for kissing me.

Nice dice, I added, pointing to the pair of fuzzy pink dice dangling from therearview mirror.

Thanks I picked them out just for you, he joked in a surprisingly Sam-like voice.Arent they cute?

Supercute, I added, mimicking his tone. So, you ready to throw down at thisshindig?

Oh hell yes, he said. I hope you brought your dancin shoes, Maam, he added in amock southern accent as we sped off.

Of course! I responded brightly, glancing down at my espadrilles, picturing myselfin his arms as we spun around the deck.

The conversation trickled out quickly. I noticed he seemed to act jittery. He keptcompulsively checking the rearview mirror even when no one was behind us, andchanging the radio station mid-song.

I kept hoping he would mention the kiss, or the conversation leading up to it thathad made me feel a new bond with him, but he never didwhich made the moodincreasingly awkward. The tension made me start to feel as if I were in a car alonewith someones father. As if there were very clear boundaries between us, andnothing to talk about to diffuse the situation.


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I actually found myself breathing a sigh of relief when we pulled into the Donovansdriveway. It was darkoutside and the party wasnt until the next day, but there werealready a bunch of green balloons tied to the mailbox.

The house was eerily quiet as we walked in the garage door. The only light in the

kitchen came from a small lamp on the counter, and the large family room televisionwas silent. It was only 10:30, but from the sight of Joe reading the sports page aloneon the couch, I assumed Sam and Linda were already asleep.

We were told not to go up there, Charlie said, plopping into a recliner in the familyroom and turning the television on at a low volume. I wondered, nervously, what Ishould expect to find as I climbed the stairs.

I crept down the hall to put my bag down in my room and noticed that Sams doorwas open and her room was empty. I heard voices coming from Linda and Joesroom, so I walked down the hall and found Sam and Linda sitting on the king-sized

bed, digging through a huge box full of photographs, with pictures scattered allaround them.

Hey! Sam exclaimed when she saw me.

Hi, Honey, Linda said, patting an empty space on the bed next to her. Were justgoing through some old pictures so we can make a collage for Charlies partytomorrow. Thats why we sent him to get youso we could get him out of our hairfor a little while!

So it hadnt been Charlies decision to pick me up. I felt a twinge of disappointment,

but tried to shake it off.

For the next hour, we dug through disorganized albums and drug store sleeves fullof glossy prints, laughing at the silly outfits and resurrecting old memories.

There were photos of all the birthdays and usual childhood milestones, Charlie andSam playing in a pile of leaves in the backyard, Charlie and Sam in the bathtub whenthey were babies, Sam performing in her dance recitals, Charlie dressed for LittleLeague, Sam dolled up in her mothers clothes with makeup smeared on her face,Charlie dancing in his crib as a toddler.

Oh heres a good one, Linda said, pulling out a shot of Charlie screaming with joyas he rode down the street on a small black bicycle with cartoonish orange flameson the bars. He was so excited when we finally bought him his first bike. He beggedfor one.

X-mas 1990 was written on the back in large blue handwriting.


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Oh my God! Sam exclaimed, waving an old picture of Linda and Auntie Peg in theearly 80s with wild matching perms. They were laughing and holding glasses ofwine on someones back porch. I cannot believe this hair! Im embarrassedforyou.

Oh gosh, that was all Auntie Pegs idea! Linda laughed. She brought over a home

permanent kit one day. She said if we only left the treatment on for half the timewed look like Farrah Fawcett, and look how it turned out! she chuckled.

We kept rummaging until I found an image that caught my eye.

Sam, I cant believe you actually went camping at one point in your life! I laughed,holding up a photo of a young Samwhom I estimated was around eightCharlie,and Auntie Peg with backpacks, seated around a campfire. Joe was in thebackground fiddling with the tent poles.

I dont even remember this day, Sam said, examining the picture with a furrowed

brow. Where are you, Mom?

Taking the picture, silly, Linda answered after she briefly paused to inspect thephoto.

Oh, duh, Sam laughed.

We pored through Linda and Joes wedding photos. They were both so thin andwide-eyed. Lindas ivory gown had huge Princess Diana-style puffed sleeves andlace across the chest. Joes tuxedo pants were about two inches too short, and hishair was thicker and fluffier in sort of a mock-mullet.

Linda wore the same dreamy expression she still often did, except now she hadcrows feet and shorter hair. Joes face, however, looked completely different. Heseemed relaxed and happy-go-lucky, spinning Lindas tiny frame around the parquetdance floor. He was grinning in almost every photo. These days, catching a glimpseof his smile was rarer than a UFO sighting.

I made a mental note to find Mom and Dads wedding pictures the next time I wenthome.

Ohhh, I love this one, Linda said happily, pressing the photo to her chest before

showing it to us. Seven-year-old Charlie was holding five-year-old Sam firmly in hislap outside in the grass. They didnt look very much alike back thenshe wastowheaded and he had dark brown hair in a mushroom haircut.

Their personalities still seemed to shine through, though. From the photograph, Samlooked confident and bubbly, while Charlie appeared shy and sweet. Sam waswearing a bright pink tank top with a pair of matching stretch pantsthe trendykind that I was never allowed to wearand a side ponytail with a pair of huge


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sunglasses that obviously belonged to Linda. Charlie was hugging her in a pair ofcorduroy pants and a denim jacket and giving her a huge kiss on her cheek.

Isntthat the sweetest thing? Linda asked, making a sentimental face.

It was. It only made the pangs in my heart for Charlie stronger. I wanted him to kissme that wayI didnt need passion, I wanted a kiss of unconditional love.

Awww, Sam gushed. Letsuse that one for the cake!

I think it should be a photo of Charlie by himself, though, I countered. Leave it toSam to choose a picture where she was stealing focuseven when it was Charliesday.

Mmm, I think so too, Sammy, Linda agreed with me. Im having this one framedthough!

For the graduation cake, we finally settled on a picture of Charlie holding up anenormous striped bass that hed caught on a boat trip in Florida when he was nineyears old. He was wearing neon green swim trunks and a gray Black Dog sweatshirt.The wriggling fish was almost as big as he was and he was giving the camera anenthusiastic thumbs-up sign.

Oh God, he thought that was the coolest pose, Sam laughed. What a dork.

I noticed there were no photos of Linda in the hospital, or any evidence that she hadever been sick. From the string of events caught on film, youd think the Donovans

had lived a blissful, pain-free existence.

Thats the interesting thing about photographs, I thought to myself. They only capturethe good moments in life.

* * *

The next morning, Sam and I went to the grocery store to order Charlies cake withthe fish photo printed on it, and to pick up paper plates, napkins, and the usualtrappings of a summer backyard barbecue.

Linda and Auntie Peg cleaned the house and made huge vats of potato salad,coleslaw, meatballs, and filled a cut-glass bowl with punch before the guests weresupposed to arrive at 4 p.m.

When we returned, Sam and I filled serving bowls with tortilla chips and salsa,placed condiments and draped tablecloths on the patio tables, while Joe refrigeratedthe huge slabs of ground beef he was planning to use for making burger patties.


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Charlie carried extra chairs up from the cellar and arranged his speakers to playoutdoors with long extension cords. Joe went back to the supermarket a few hourslater and returned with Charlies cake.

I noticed as Linda was cooking, that her jeans looked noticeably baggier than they

had several weeks ago. This bothered me, but Sam didnt flinch.

Mom, you look amazing, she said as Linda stirred a pot of tomato sauce. What dietare you on, I need to get rid of this beer belly, she said, smacking her perfectly flatstomach.

I wanted to interject and announce that Linda didntlook good at all, she wasbeginning to look gaunt, but I restrained myself. It wasnt the time or place, and Ihad always hated when people made comments about my weight in high school.

Are you anorexic?kids would ask, scrutinizing my body if I failed to finish

everything on my plate.

No, I just have long limbs,I would say. I eat plenty, itjust all goes to my stomach.

Nothing specific, Linda shrugged nonchalantly. Just trying to cut back on thecarbs! This answer seemed to satisfy Sam.

And that is hardly a beer belly, little lady, Linda added. You look beautiful.

I suddenly felt a stab of jealousy. Interestingly, I couldnt decide whether I wasenvious that Sam did in fact look beautiful, or because she had a mother who

reminded her of that fact.

Around 4:30, the guests slowly began to trickle inand I soon realized that I didntknow many of them. I actually found myself wishing Jay were around so I would atleast know one other person my age, but he was on a business trip to North Carolinathat weekend.

I had met all three living grandparents, Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill (plus their threeteenagers, Bethany, Dylan, and Kevin), and Uncle David and Aunt Carol (plus theiroverweight pre-teen daughter, Megan) at Thanksgiving, but the rest of the guestswere old family friends of Joe and Linda who had known Sam and Charlie since they

were born, as well as Charlies pals from high school and U. Del.

Sam made introductions, but even she didnt know all of Charlies college friendsparticularly a tall brunette named Lauren whom I decided was too chummy withCharlie for my liking. Most of the other females were girlfriends of Charlies buddies,and were respectful, but this Lauren girl had a voice that was so loud that it hurt myears, and she was obnoxiously polite to the family members.


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Yeah, Uncle Jack, shes like our sister, Sam said happily. I knew she was trying tobe sweet, but I didnt want to be thought of as sisterly to Charlie.

As if she were reading my mind, Linda swooped in wielding a gin and tonic.

Were all hoping she and Charlie will get married one day, she slurred. Then wellnever have to worry about him! Even though she was clearly tipsy, I basked in thecompliment.

Another score for me. Take that, Lauren.

Across the deck, Charlie looked effortlessly handsome in his turquoise polo thatperfectly hugged his biceps, and a pair of khaki cargo shorts that hit right below hisknees. He looked clean-cut and fresh, as ifhed just stepped out of the shower, andhe left an intoxicating scent in his wake each time he walked by me.

Lauren obviously had noticed too, because she kept finding reasons to re-fill hisplate and playfully touch him as she leaned against the railing, nursing a Coors Lightand hanging on his every word. Watching her dote on him was chipping away at mygood mood. I knew Charlie was the man of the hour and had plenty of guests toentertain, but I wanted his attention on me. I wished I were at his arm instead ofposing for pictures with groups of people I didnt know and being referred to asSams friend.

Whos that little wench? Auntie Peg asked, sidling up to me with a plate of potatosalad after catching me staring for too long. Wench was her nice word for bitch.

Some friend of Charlies, I guess, I said, looking for Sam, whom I spotted chattingwith her Uncle David by the grill. Apparently my tone made it clear as to what Ithought of Lauren.

So annoying, right?! Auntie Peg said as a statement, not a question. She said sheliked my nail polish. Whats up with that? And that laughI think I burst aneardrum! she giggled.

I allowed myself to laugh too, and felt a little better. I wondered if Auntie Peg couldsense my feelings of longing for Charlie and was trying to console me by making funof Lauren.

As if hed heard us, Charlie broke free from the circle and headed toward me once hecaught my eye.

How are you doing, Buddy? he asked, putting a sympathetic arm around me.Sorry there are so many people you dont know here, I hope youre not too bored.

No, not at all, I said brightly. Im having a great time. Lie.


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Okay, good, he said, and headed toward the kitchen. Come and get me if you needme!

I do need you, I thought as I watched him walk away. More than you know.

The song for the day was Dont Dream Its Overby Crowded House. When it came onthe radio, Joe turned up the volume on the speakers in between flipping burgers.

Hey now, hey now, dont dream its over

Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in

They come, they come, to build a wall between us

We know they wont win

* * *

As the late afternoon sun slowly slipped behind the trees, the adults began to saytheir goodbyes, handing Charlie fat envelopes as they walked out to their cars withTupperware containers full of extra food.

The remaining adults flocked to the kitchen, and the rest of usId say there were atleast 15all took turns changing into bathing suits upstairs and jumped into thepool as soon as Charlies clownish friend, Rob, led the pack by whipping off his shirtand cannon-balling into the deep end.

The small kidney-shaped swimming pool didnt fit with the style of the houseitlooked too new, as if it were slapped on as an after-thought. It didnt have a diving

board or even a cement patio around it.

Charlie had set up a mesh net across the center and soon everyone was flailingaround and ducking each other underwater in an energetic game of Keep-Away.

Being relatively tall, I played well, but so did Lauren who was an inch or so tallerand was bouncing around in a tiny striped bikini top.

Once it was fully dark, and only a dwindling few adults were left getting plastered inthe living room, Charlie announced that it was time to fire up the hot tub.

The large bubbling tub was set on a lower level of the deck, around the side of thehouse underneath the inky blue sky.

I excused myself to the bathroom, and when I came out, half of the party guests weresqueezed into the hot tub, while Rob and a few of the other guys I didnt know werestill horsing around in the pool.


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Lauren had claimed a spot next to Charlie, of course, and Sam was nestled into acorner with her hair piled on top of her head to keep it dry. She cleared a smallspace for me next to her, which gave her an excuse to cozy up to Alex.

I slipped into the scalding water and took my spot across from Charlie, who was

pleasant, but noticeably more quiet than usual. The rest of the drunk kids weretelling stories from their past spring break trips and their final days at U.Del. Somekid nicknamed Spinny had apparently puked on the bus ride during their graduationtrip to Atlantic City, getting them all kicked off.

I was gonna kill you, dude, a guy named Derek was saying.

Whatever, man, I got us table service that night after I won $2000 at the craps table,Suckers! Spinny yelled back and started fist pumping.

Lo, I still wish you got into a girl fight with that stripper, Derek directed at Lauren.

That would have been hot!

She was just mad because she was after my Charlie and she knew she couldnt havehim, Lauren said smugly, and then leaned over and gave him an affectionate peckon the lips.

I suddenly felt sick. Charlie was datingher and I hadnt even known. Was I the onlyone in the dark?

I felt embarrassed and exposed, as if everyone knew about my kiss with Charlie andhow stupid I felt now. I felt like I was having one of those dreams where I had shown

up to an exam with no pants on.

My eyes cut sharply over to Charlie, who looked panic-stricken. He cast his eyesshamefully downward.

I waited for a reaction from Sam, but she didnt seem terribly affected by Lauren andher tackiness.

I was disgusted with Charlie and the image of him in Atlantic City surrounded bycheap women and general debauchery. He was way too good for that.

Interestingly, since no one had mentioned Lauren before, it seemed he had beenkeeping this girl a secret from his familyas if he were embarrassed to beassociated with her.

I knew about both of Charlies high school girlfriends, Julia and Molly. He hadcertainly never been ashamed of them. In fact he was still friendly with both ofthemhe wasnt the type to end relationships on a bad note.


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As attractive as he was, it was only natural that girls loved him in college, but he hadnever committed to any of them. I assumed he was waiting for the perfect girl tocome aroundand secretly I had hoped that girl would be me. I wondered howLauren had managed to snag him.

I considered the best way to handle this situation. Although we had only kissed theone time, he surely couldnt expect me to not be hurt by this revelation. However, toget up and make a dramatic exit would give myself away to Sam (not to mentioneveryone else) and make me look childish to Charlieas if I were being a sore loser.

I also felt stuck, since I was staying at the Donovan house for the weekend. I couldntvery well escape back to Washingtonalthough I wanted to flee badlywithoutseeming suspicious.

I decided to wait a few minutes to make my move. The conversations around mecontinued as if nothing were wrong.

Im gonna get out, I finally said to Sam, standing up. Its too hot in here for me, Iadded for effect.

Go jump in the pool for a second, Sam suggested. No one else protested. They keptright on talking loudly around me as if I werent there. Dont leave, she whined.

Ill be back in a little bit, I said, although I had no intentions of coming back.

Charlies eyes stayed transfixed on me as I grabbed an oversized beach towel andun-gracefully exited the tub. He looked at me nervously, as if he were struggling to

find something to say, but couldnt think of anything that would fix the situation.

I wrapped the towel around me protectively and padded up the steps to the upperdeck. I heard the sound of crickets in the darkness and then loud adult laughter as Ipulled open the sliding glass door and shut it quickly to keep the mosquitoes out ofthe house.

I crept past the family room unnoticed and tip-toed up the green carpeted frontstairs to my room. While it had always felt like my comforting home base, I suddenlycraved my dorm room and the privacy that I normally didnt appreciate.

I wanted to call someone, but as usual there was no one who would understand thatwasnt already involved in some way. I almost called Dad out of sheer desperation,but I couldnt explain the situation to him and I was too embarrassed to tell himabout kissing Charlie. The only person who could reasonably weigh in was Haley,but she was in Greece for the summer and didnteven know about the kiss yet. Soonce again, I would have to comfort myself.


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I slipped into my pajamas and crawled into bed even though it was only 11 p.m. Ishut off the light and hoped that things would be better in the morning.

* * *

I was awakened the next day by the sounds of clanking plates and the garbagedisposal being run downstairs. I felt guilty for not helping to clean up, but I couldntface Charlie yet.

I prayed that Lauren hadnt been allowed to spend the night. The thought of seeingher in Charlies sweats at the farm table when I came down the stairs terrified me. Ilistened for a few minutes but I didnt hear her foghorn of a voice, so I decided totackle the day.

I came downstairs to find everyone cleaning up. Joe was taking out the garbage,Linda was washing serving bowls in the sink, Charlie was loading the dishwasher,

and Sam was wandering around pretending to be useful.

There you are! Sam announced when I appeared in the kitchen. What happenedto you last night?

I know, sorry, I mumbled in a croaky sleep voice. I didnt feel well so I went to bedearly.

Are you sick, Honey? Linda asked, sounding concerned as she put down the mixingbowl she was drying. Do you need to take something?

Charlie kept his back to me, continuing to load dishes from the sink.

No, Im okay, I said, Im feeling better. Even though I wasnt.

Are you sure? Linda pressed. Do you have a headache, or a stomachache? Charlie,take Erin upstairs and show her where the medicine is, she said, grabbing hissleeve before I could answer. I wondered why shed asked Charlie to show me andnot Sam, but I didnt ask and Sam didnt volunteer.

I followed Charlie up the stairs to Linda and Joes bathroom. He closed the doorbehind us but didnt open the medicine cabinet.

Erin, I know why you went upstairs last night, he said gently, as if hed beenrehearsing it. Im really sorry, I know you werent expecting that. I should have saidsomething, I justdidnt know what to say.

Its fine,I said softly, not wanting to look at him. It was one kiss, I know it didntmean anything.


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Oh, he said, sounding slightly hurt. Well I just want you to know that Lauren, shesjust

I hated hearing the sound of her name.

Its okay, Charlie, you dont have to explain, I interrupted. On the one hand, Idesperately wanted an explanation, yet at the same time I didnt really want to knowanything about her.

Okay, he said. Well, for the record, shes not my girlfriend. But it didnt reallymatter to me. The damage was done.

I considered saying something snide, but I still cared about Charlie too much to hurthim. So I just accepted his answer and swallowed an Excedrin so I didnt feel like Iwas deceiving Linda. I walked back down the stairs wishing that there were a pill tocure the way I was feeling.

falling out excerpt

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