FamiliesFamiliesThe Good, The Bad, The Crazy The Good, The Bad, The Crazy

Family Systems Family Systems

QuoteQuoteYou may feel that your family or origin wasn’t You may feel that your family or origin wasn’t dysfunctional since your father wasn’t an dysfunctional since your father wasn’t an alcoholic . . . . The truth is, however, that, due to the alcoholic . . . . The truth is, however, that, due to the fallen nature of all parents (and children), all fallen nature of all parents (and children), all families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors (addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are (addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are extremely common in even “the best of families,” extremely common in even “the best of families,” and such behavior is almost always linked to some and such behavior is almost always linked to some form of dysfunctional family background.form of dysfunctional family background.

––Dave Carder, et al.,Dave Carder, et al.,

Secrets of Your Family TreeSecrets of Your Family Tree, , Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.

Family Systems Family Systems

Individuals cannot be understood in Individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another—families isolation from one another—families are are systemssystems of interconnected and of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation whom can be understood in isolation from the systemfrom the system

What does it mean to say a family What does it mean to say a family is a is a systemsystem??

To understand this better, consider To understand this better, consider the example of a mobile. the example of a mobile.

When you move any one piece of When you move any one piece of a mobile, all the other pieces move a mobile, all the other pieces move too! They do not exist in isolation too! They do not exist in isolation from one another, and “movement” from one another, and “movement” in any one part of the “system” will in any one part of the “system” will affect all the rest of the parts of the affect all the rest of the parts of the system.system.

All Family SystemsAll Family Systems

Includes all extended family members.Includes all extended family members.

It is more than the sum of it’s parts.It is more than the sum of it’s parts.

Have roles for each member.Have roles for each member.

Have rules and mythsHave rules and myths

Seek Homeostasis/Equilibrium.Seek Homeostasis/Equilibrium.

Have a life cycle.Have a life cycle.

Terms from Family Systems Theory Terms from Family Systems Theory that you’ll want to understandthat you’ll want to understand

Family Roles--what is expected of each family Family Roles--what is expected of each family membermember– The most basic types of roles are “father,” “mother,” The most basic types of roles are “father,” “mother,”

“aunt,” “daughter,” “son,” “grandmother,” etc. What is “aunt,” “daughter,” “son,” “grandmother,” etc. What is expected from people in each of these roles?expected from people in each of these roles?

– But there are also roles beyond this most basic level. But there are also roles beyond this most basic level. For example, one person may be the “clown” of the For example, one person may be the “clown” of the family. Another person may be the “responsible one.” family. Another person may be the “responsible one.” One person may be the “emotional one.” Another role One person may be the “emotional one.” Another role might be “crazy uncle Joe” who everyone knows is might be “crazy uncle Joe” who everyone knows is going to act odd in his own unique way. There are a going to act odd in his own unique way. There are a lot of different roles in families. lot of different roles in families.

Activity - What was your role?Activity - What was your role?

Every family has special interactional Every family has special interactional patterns that are held in place by family patterns that are held in place by family roles. Your role in your family was used to roles. Your role in your family was used to fill special needs of your family, like a fill special needs of your family, like a catcher on a ball team fills the need of the catcher on a ball team fills the need of the team to cover home plate. Roles are team to cover home plate. Roles are assigned when we are young and we have assigned when we are young and we have no choice on the role we are given.no choice on the role we are given.

FAMILY RULESFAMILY RULESFamily Rules are rules about how the family operates; these Family Rules are rules about how the family operates; these rules are often unspoken. For example…rules are often unspoken. For example…

When people are angry at each other, do they express When people are angry at each other, do they express this or keep it to themselves?this or keep it to themselves?How affectionate or emotional are family members How affectionate or emotional are family members expected or allowed to be with each other?expected or allowed to be with each other?How do decisions get made in the family? Who has input How do decisions get made in the family? Who has input and who is expected to “just go along”? How is the final and who is expected to “just go along”? How is the final decision made? decision made? Are there limits on “how much” or in what ways kids can Are there limits on “how much” or in what ways kids can argue with their parents? argue with their parents? How much are family members “allowed” to talk to people How much are family members “allowed” to talk to people outside the family about family problems? outside the family about family problems?

Families tend to develop patterns about these sorts of things (& Families tend to develop patterns about these sorts of things (& other similar types of things). These patterns become other similar types of things). These patterns become “unspoken rules.” Family members may see these things as “unspoken rules.” Family members may see these things as “just the way it is,” but different families do these things “just the way it is,” but different families do these things differently from one another.differently from one another.

Family MythsFamily MythsMyths are beliefs or illusions shared by the family members. They are usually assumptions or exaggerations which stretch reality and serve the purpose of reinforcing the family rules…..Dad is always right…we have the perfect family….we never argue at our house….

Reflecting on Family RulesReflecting on Family Rules

Take a minute to think about how Take a minute to think about how you would answer the questions on you would answer the questions on the preceding slide with regard to the preceding slide with regard to your family!your family!Share information with your newly Share information with your newly formed family.formed family.

Systems develop typical ways of being which are reliable Systems develop typical ways of being which are reliable and predictable. Family roles & family rules are examples and predictable. Family roles & family rules are examples of what I mean by “typical ways of being.”of what I mean by “typical ways of being.”Whether these roles & rules are adaptive or not, there is a Whether these roles & rules are adaptive or not, there is a pull from the system NOT to CHANGE—but to continue pull from the system NOT to CHANGE—but to continue functioning as things have always been. functioning as things have always been. Think of the mobile. If you move one part, the other parts Think of the mobile. If you move one part, the other parts move. But if you let go of that one part, the whole move. But if you let go of that one part, the whole “system” (i.e., the parts of the mobile) will “pull each other” “system” (i.e., the parts of the mobile) will “pull each other” back to the way they were before that one part moved.back to the way they were before that one part moved.This tendency of systems to keep doing things as they’ve This tendency of systems to keep doing things as they’ve already been done is known as homeostasis or the already been done is known as homeostasis or the system’s equilibrium.system’s equilibrium.

HOMEOSTASIS--EQUILIBRIUMHOMEOSTASIS--EQUILIBRIUM

Causes of Unhealthy Family Causes of Unhealthy Family SystemsSystems

AddictionsAddictions – – – Chemical Dependence (drugs or alcohol addiction) – Chemical Dependence (drugs or alcohol addiction) –

Compelling need to take a drug even though it harms the body, Compelling need to take a drug even though it harms the body, mind or relationshipmind or relationship

– Other Addictions – Other Addictions – Eating disorders, workaholic, exercise, gambling, nicotine, Eating disorders, workaholic, exercise, gambling, nicotine, relationships, shopping, TV, thrill seekingrelationships, shopping, TV, thrill seeking

– What else can you be addicted to??What else can you be addicted to??

PerfectionismPerfectionism – – – Need to be accurate, parents overly critical of Need to be accurate, parents overly critical of

themselves and their children themselves and their children begin to feel inadequate & insecurebegin to feel inadequate & insecure

Causes con’tCauses con’t

ViolenceViolence – Physical force to injure, – Physical force to injure, damage or destroy oneself, others, or damage or destroy oneself, others, or propertyproperty– Domestic ViolenceDomestic Violence - occurs within family - occurs within family– Physical Abuse Physical Abuse – Harmful treatment that – Harmful treatment that

results in physical injury to the victim results in physical injury to the victim – Sexual Abuse Sexual Abuse – Sexual contact that is forced – Sexual contact that is forced

on a personon a person– Emotional AbuseEmotional Abuse – Putting down another – Putting down another

person and making that person feel worthlessperson and making that person feel worthless

Causes con’tCauses con’t

Neglect – Neglect – – Failure to provide proper care and guidanceFailure to provide proper care and guidance

Abandonment –Abandonment –– Removes oneself from those whose care is Removes oneself from those whose care is

one’s responsibility one’s responsibility – parents who abandon their children are not parents who abandon their children are not

available for themavailable for them

Mental Disorders –Mental Disorders –– Mental or emotional condition that makes it Mental or emotional condition that makes it

difficult for a person to live in a normal waydifficult for a person to live in a normal way

Signs Of An Unhealthy Family Signs Of An Unhealthy Family SystemSystem

Family secretsFamily secretsBlurred boundaries Blurred boundaries Changing rulesChanging rulesForbidden topicsForbidden topicsDon’t talk to other people about our familyDon’t talk to other people about our familyDenialDenialDon’t trustDon’t trust

QuoteQuoteFirst and foremost, children are taught to disown First and foremost, children are taught to disown what their eyes see and what their ears hear. what their eyes see and what their ears hear. Because of denial in the family, children’s Because of denial in the family, children’s perceptions of what is happening become perceptions of what is happening become progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, the children learn to distrust their own experience. the children learn to distrust their own experience. At the same time, they are taught not to trust other At the same time, they are taught not to trust other people.people.

––Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. BowdenHerbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics,Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics,

(New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.(New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.

What Elephant?

Family Roles - EnablerFamily Roles - Enabler

An enabler is a An enabler is a person who, acting person who, acting out of a sincere sense out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and of love, loyalty and concern, does things concern, does things that ultimately help that ultimately help the substance abuser the substance abuser continue to use.continue to use.

Enabling BehaviorEnabling Behavior

Avoiding problems by trying to keep the Avoiding problems by trying to keep the peace. peace.

Denying that the person is using drugs or is Denying that the person is using drugs or is chemically dependent.chemically dependent.

Keep their feelings inside.Keep their feelings inside.

Minimizing: "It's not that bad.”Minimizing: "It's not that bad.”

Lecturing, blaming, or criticizing the Lecturing, blaming, or criticizing the chemically dependent personchemically dependent person

Enabling Behavior Cont.Enabling Behavior Cont.

Taking over his/her responsibilities.Taking over his/her responsibilities.

Protecting the chemically dependent Protecting the chemically dependent person from pain.person from pain.

Feeling superior; treating the dependent Feeling superior; treating the dependent person like a child.person like a child.

Trying to control the dependent person.Trying to control the dependent person.

Children’s Roles in the familyChildren’s Roles in the family

The HeroThe Hero

This is the child who is "9 This is the child who is "9 going on 40.“going on 40.“

Very responsible and self-Very responsible and self-sufficient.sufficient.

They give the family self-They give the family self-worth because they look good worth because they look good on the outside.on the outside.

Good students, the sports Good students, the sports stars, the prom queens.stars, the prom queens.

Adult Family HeroAdult Family Hero

Rigid and controllingRigid and controlling

Self JudgingSelf Judging

Achieve "success" on the outside, but Achieve "success" on the outside, but feels empty on the inside.feels empty on the inside.

Often feels inadequate and insecure. Often feels inadequate and insecure.

Make great enablersMake great enablers

The ScapegoatThe ScapegoatAngry -most Angry -most emotionally honest emotionally honest child in the familychild in the family

He/she acts out the He/she acts out the tension and anger the tension and anger the family ignores.family ignores.

Distracts from the real Distracts from the real issues in the family.issues in the family.

Often becomes Often becomes pregnant or addicted pregnant or addicted as teenagers. as teenagers.

Adult ScapegoatAdult Scapegoat

Use anger to hide how sensitive and caring Use anger to hide how sensitive and caring they are which is why they feel such they are which is why they feel such tremendous hurt.tremendous hurt.

Can become very cynical and distrustful.Can become very cynical and distrustful.

They have a lot of self-hatred and can be They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. very self-destructive. 

this child often becomes the first person in this child often becomes the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.the family to get into some kind of recovery.

The Lost/Invisible ChildThe Lost/Invisible Child

This is the child who is This is the child who is never a problem.never a problem.

They excel at being They excel at being ‘out of sight’ and end ‘out of sight’ and end up being ‘out of mind’.up being ‘out of mind’.

They can spend hours They can spend hours daydreaming, daydreaming, fantasizing, readingfantasizing, reading

watching TV or playing watching TV or playing video games.video games.

Adult Lost ChildAdult Lost Child

Second guesses self/no self trustSecond guesses self/no self trust

Uncomfortable in social situationsUncomfortable in social situations

Very uncomfortable in the spot lightVery uncomfortable in the spot light

Most likely to end up in an abusive Most likely to end up in an abusive relationship.relationship.

Also most likely to turn to substances so Also most likely to turn to substances so they can connect to other people.they can connect to other people.

The Mascot/CharmerThe Mascot/Charmer

Funny, charming Funny, charming often the youngest.often the youngest.

Busy.. Busy..BusyBusy.. Busy..Busy

Often protected by Often protected by the family.the family.

Uses humor to diffuse Uses humor to diffuse ALL situations.ALL situations.

Flexible “goes with Flexible “goes with the flow” the flow”

Adult MascotAdult Mascot

Has trouble handling conflict.Has trouble handling conflict.

Can be a compulsive clown.Can be a compulsive clown.

Has a great deal of anxiety.Has a great deal of anxiety.

Shirks responsibility.Shirks responsibility.

Often looks for a family Hero for a mate Often looks for a family Hero for a mate so they have a caretaker.so they have a caretaker.

I Feel Invisible

Homeostasis & EquilibriumHomeostasis & Equilibrium

Remember that we talked about how “systems” Remember that we talked about how “systems” are resistant to change?are resistant to change?According to systems theory, this is true EVEN According to systems theory, this is true EVEN IF the change might seem to be a desirable one!IF the change might seem to be a desirable one!For example, if the “substance abuser” within a For example, if the “substance abuser” within a family tries recovery the rest of the family --in family tries recovery the rest of the family --in perhaps unintended, subconscious ways---perhaps unintended, subconscious ways---sabotage the persons attempts to stop.sabotage the persons attempts to stop.The whole family has to be willing to change.The whole family has to be willing to change.

The Family DefinedThe Family Defined

““Everything occurring in a family,Everything occurring in a family,

regardless of how carefully it may be regardless of how carefully it may be hidden,hidden,

impacts the children. Everything.impacts the children. Everything.

Family Systems & The Cultural-Family Systems & The Cultural-Systemic ApproachSystemic Approach

In conclusion, our Family Systems suggests In conclusion, our Family Systems suggests that sometimes our behavior may have AS that sometimes our behavior may have AS MUCH TO DO with the “systems” (groups) of MUCH TO DO with the “systems” (groups) of which we are a part—and the patterns that get which we are a part—and the patterns that get established within these systems-- as it may established within these systems-- as it may have to do with the personality of each person have to do with the personality of each person within the system.within the system.

Applying what you’ve learned!Applying what you’ve learned!

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