FAMILY FEELING :

The Language of emotional experience in families

Tania Zapparoni

Family Therapy Conference

20/10/2016

WHY FAMILY FEELING?

Giving voice to emotional experience has

been long thought to be an individual

endeavour.

Thinking systemically however about the

language of feeling and emotions has

offered invaluable opportunities for

individuals, families, and therapists.

THE ROLE OF CURIOUSITY My curiosity about family feeling began when

listening to the way individuals within individual and family therapy described their histories of emotional states.

My curiosity first began in my work with young people and their families and wondering about the language that they chose to describe how they were feeling.

I wondered why they chose the particular words to describe what they were grappling than others.

PARALLEL JOURNEY

I sought to give voice to my musings and

curiosity as clients struggled to give voice

to what they were feeling.

As I read and wondered a simple question

became illuminating : What is the family

story about this? to unlock something for

individuals and families.

CONTEXT AND LANGUAGE

My curiousity led me led to a consideration

of a post modern or post structuralist

approach to language.

This is particularly reflected in the

collaborative approach of Harry Goolishan

and Harlene Anderson (Anderson,

2001;2012).

LANGUAGE IS : In this approach language is : relational,

generative, and fluid (Anderson, 2001 ; 2012).

Influenced by external systems and constraints.

The words used or not used are significant and entering into family conversations about who talks: when, why, and how and having conversations about conversations can offer new opportunities.

CONVERSATION PARTNERS

The therapist and family in this view are

conversation partners.

Family members are also then,

conversation partners with eachother.

NOW AND THEN There is also a role of considering current

and intergenerational influences on family stories of feeling.

The work of Bozormeniy-Nagy (in Le Goff, 2001) highlights the legacies and dilemmas left over from one generation to the next.

John Byng-Hall also highlights (1979) the idea of family myths, about experiences, events, and history can yield a powerful influence over subsequent generations and can be sought to be understood.

TO ILLUSTRATE :

Dan : “True Love = Pain All gain”

A 20 year old man whose girlfriend broke

up with him unexpectedly

Intense distress over the loss of the

relationship exhibited some suicidal

behaviour

Couldn’t accept the end of the relationship

Was constantly engaged in attempts “to

get her back”

DAN CONTINUED

Dan was convinced that he needed to be

in pain and suffer and keep trying to win

his girlfriend back and this was beginning

to cause a number of difficulties

Introduced the concept of the family story

around love and pain in relation to lost

love

Talked with parents around this and

explored this narrative over time

DAN CONTINUED

Eliciting information about the “language in

love” in the family and invoking also

conversations with grandparents helped

Dan move to a more reflective position.

It didn’t completely resolve the concerns

but facilitated a different way for Dan and

his parents to look at his situation and

reduced some conflict.

“THE PAIN ESCAPE”

A Family with a highly traumatized background where members across three generations had experienced abuse, the loss of parents through violent crime, and unexpected and isolating migration.

All family members were engaged in substance use of some kind

The presenting issue was the daughter’s problematic heroin use

THE PAIN ESCAPE CONTINUED

It emerged that all family members were engaged in problematic substance use of alcohol of pain medication or of cannabis

Problematic substance use was evident across three generations of the family

The family story of escaping emotional pain, fear, and distress was entrenched but as the pain escape was articulated ,discussed, and shared.

THE PAIN ESCAPE

The family’s way of coping as in many was to locate all the pain, shame, within their oldest daughter and to rationalize other addictions and trauma.

In the complexity of this family story and the concern of all members for the very real risks that existed for their daughter there had been no opportunity for a conversation of the pain escape.

THE PAIN ESCAPE

Beginning a conversation around this was

only a small component of a complex focus

and long term piece of work that involved

many different exchanges and crisis

situations that emerged.

Allowing space despite the difficulty was a

way of beginning an opportunity to look

differently at the family’s history and the

coping mechanisms of individual members.

“ANGRY SONS AND FATHERS”

Alan and Alisa

Alan was 21 and in a very difficult situation

Community Based Order, anger difficulties

and a commitment to change but unsure

how

Alisa very worried about Alan, and who

was terrfied that Alan “was just like his

father”

ANGRY SONS AND FATHERS

Father was estranged from Ailsa and Alan

Ailsa had a family history of a father and

brother who very angry and explosive

Articulating the family story of anger and

fear of anger and who this impacted on

Alan and Ailsa allowed different

perspectives and sharing to occur

ANGRY SONS AND FATHERS

Once again an element in a bigger piece

of work , but an opportunity for reflection,

and beginning to position oneself

differently to another family member.

FOR SUPERVISEES? The consideration of family feeling may be helpful

for supervisees.

In my current role, I’m working with a number of trainee counsellors and provisional psychologists who work with schools with children in schools and their family and teaching systems.

The idea of considering the role of stories of family feeling and conversations about conversations between children and parents and grandparents have assisted the supervisees to have a different frame and produce in some cases different results.

INVITATION FOR PARTICIPANTS

Consider your own family story about

sadness, anger, and happiness.

Imagine having a discussion with a family

member in this way.

What do you anticipate this might be like?

INVITATION CONT

Now consider a client

family/couple/individual and their family

story of feeling.

How you might elicit it?

Do you think it would help?

If so, why?

If not, why not?

THANKYOU

Any questions?

REFERENCES

Anderson, H. (2001). Postmodern and

collaborative and person-centred

therapies: What would Carl Rogers say?

Journal of Family Therapy, 23,(4),339-360.

Anderson, H. (2012). Harlene Anderson

and not Knowing.

www.you.tube.com/watch?

REFERENCES

Byng-Hall, J. (1979). Re-editing family mythology during family therapy. Journal of Family Therapy, 1, (2), 103-116.

Le Goff, J.F. (2001). Fundamentals of theory and practice revisited : Bozormenyi-Nagy and Contextual Therapy an overview. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 22, (3), 147-157.