Fantasy Bonds: Part 1 and the Family Sculpt: Part 2(51 slides)

Creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

Discussion question

• Why does marriage often lose its’ intense romance and considerate love over the years, ending in emotional isolation and resignation?

A fake relationship

• A fantasy bond is a relationship “role play” based upon what we think we should do and feel.

Intimacy defined…

• Intimacy is the sharing of feelings...both positive and negative.

Tolerating intimacy

• If children grow up in a family system where feelings are ignored, punished or suppressed then as adults they will find it hard to express their energies and to engage others while they are expressing theirs.

Fantasy bond symptoms in families.

• Ritualized affection

• Dishonest conversations

• Lack of sharing true feelings

• Idealization of parents

• Role playing

• Guilt and shame for not being good enough

Fantasy bond symptoms in marriage.

• Impersonal style of conversing

• Feelings of obligation and resentment

• Decline in sexual interest

• Loss of playfulness and spontaneity

• Destructive communication

Early symptoms of a fantasy bond.

• Lose interest in talking

• Lose interest in listening

• Decrease in the amount of direct eye contact

• Conversation becomes dishonest and impersonal

• Loss of independence

• ‘We become enmeshed

Objectification of another

• A fantasy bond leads to an objectification of the other.

• A tendency to see and treat them as a role instead of a real live person.

• This role is then frozen in time and even though the person changes, no allowances are made.

I and “thou” relationships

SUBJECT

OBJECT

SUBJECT

OBJECT

“Thou” is a beloved and different person.

I and “it” relationship

SUBJECT

OBJECT

SUBJECT

OBJECT

“It” is an objectified role of the person based upon how you want to see them.

Men and women who form destructive ties are usually unable to accept the fact that they have lost their feelings for each other. They are deeply ashamed that they no longer feel as attracted or as interested as they were. Unable to live with this truth, they try to cover up. They begin to substitute form, routine and role determined behavior. -Robert Firestone

The Fantasy Bond within the family

Leads to the curtailment of freedom of speech, because certain topics are forbidden.

Any communication or conversation that threatens to disrupt the bond or interrupt the illusion of enduring love between parents or family members is not permitted.

The family member must not show their pain or unhappiness, because this would betray the fantasy bond in the family.

When you are in love with someone...

Do you need to be told how to actloving???

The loving behavior comes naturally and willingly, doesn’tit???

It is only after a fantasy bond is created that we need to be toldhow to treat each other.

Fantasy bond in action

• Spend 5 minutes a day thinking positive thoughts about her.

• Pay her a genuine compliment each day.

• Do an act of service for her every day.

• Tell her “I love you” every day.

• Spend a few minutes each day really talking to her.

The fantasy bond paradox

• Many couples cannot risk the threat of disturbing the fantasy bond between them.

• It would be too painful and dangerous.

• But it may be the only hope they have of renewing an intimate relationship.

• The threat of destruction becomes their hope of restoration.

I’m pretending.

She’s pretending I’m notpretending.

For now it’s workingout just fine.

Things to do...

• Learn small talk

• Create rituals

• Give up perfectionism

• Forgive

• Stop trying to fix your partner

• Be gentle with yourself

• Touch others and let them touch you

• Stop looking to your partner for happiness. Its within you.

Romance vs. fantasy

• The expression of feelings to your partner in your own unique and original way.

• Please note: keeping the romance alive in a relationship is a universal problem.

Reality vs. fantasy

• Living and loving in reality is not what one’s fantasy pictures love to be. Love is daily contact, friendliness, caring, companionship, hard work, honesty, pain, sadness, happiness, anxiety, and tenderness and occurs in a non-dramatic way. That may not match your fantasy of unconditional love, but it is a real opportunity to fulfill your adult needs for love and sex.

---Robert Firestone

Part 2: The Family Sculpt…

Yours, mine and everybody else's…

The ability to see with new eyes…

• There is a concept reflecting the true nature of our experience that suggests:

“We don’t live in reality, we live in our habituated paradigms we call reality, but the true condition of our reality is invisible to us.”

The disturbing implication is that we don’t see things as they really are but as we have been conditioned to see them.

Sculpting your family, will invite you to see with new eyes the nature and relationships of what you have imagined your family to be like.

“No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew.”

Albert Einstein

Exploring the limitations…

• If you are going to work with families and ever understand them you will need to journey into the territory of your own family to accomplish that part of the mission.

• We are often blinded by our own peaceful slumber to the dynamics of dysfunctions in our own families not seeing the forest for all the trees that are in the way.

• Your own blindness will severely limit you in your ability to understand and help families that are in pain, if you remain asleep to your own history and family of origin issues.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Anais Nin

The implication of this saying suggests that if we are asleep, in denial, ignorant of, unawares, unconscious, of our own

histories then we will only see those things which are already consistent with the habituated reality we have been

conditioned to live in.

The journey to conscious living is the adventure that may open your eyes to see things anew.

Family Sculpting

• A family sculpt is a visual- symbolic representation of family relationships, energies, powers and perceptions .

• The sculpt uses props, distance, postures, positions, expressions, sayings and the like, to illustrate family dynamics.

Sculpting as an art form

• In art, the medium and images can help us see aspects and meanings of reality that could not be expressed in any other ways.

• Sculpting is a vehicle to express with people and

position- relationships and realities that would be difficult to articulate in language.

• Sculpting uses different parts of the brain and because it does so- can access different insights, energies and emotions.

The elements of sculpting:

• Props/materials used to express characteristics of family members…

• Medications/addictions used by members…

• Actions/behaviors symbolic of members…

• Sayings that capture the uniqueness/ themes of members...

• Feelings/energies that members carry…

• Secrets/shames of family members…

• Roles/personas of family members…

The dynamics of sculpting:

• Distance: illustrates closeness or separation of family members…

• Height: indicates power/authority of various family members…

• Barriers: things that get in the way of relationships… addictions, hobbies, etc.

• Relationships: ropes, chains, ribbons, string to indicate enmeshment, abandonment and nature of relating

• Props: any item that portrays the role, addictions, fears, secrets, problems, work, involvement, interest of the people involved.

Some prop examples…

• Briefcase… work-a-holism• Mirror… looking good• Credit cards… shopping/buying addict• Sword… hurtful and wounding• Joke book… family comedian• Money… saving/spending addict• Sack over head… lost child• Trophy… hero child• Cigarette/beer… rebel child• Gavel… judgmental• Cookbook… food addict• Airline throw-up sack… bulimic• Sack of pornography… shameful secret

Example of sayings…

• You will respect me!• It’s ok, a lot of other people have it a lot worse.• I’m such a geek.• As long as you live in this house…• See if you can stop me.• Am I doing good enough?• What ever you say.• I don’t care.• You can depend on me! I’ll do it.• Life is wonderful.• Just think positive thoughts• You’ll never amount to a thing• Where do come up with your ideas? You are weird.

Some childhood role examples…

• Hero child• Rebel child• Saint child• Surrogate spouse child• Parent child• Mascot child• Black sheep• Pleaser child• Peace maker child• Baby of the family• Lost child• Problem child

Examples of addictions…

• Money: spending, saving, investing• Sex: pornography, fantasy, seduction• Food: dieting, bulimia, anorexia • Religion: church attendance, service, reading• Thinking: intellectualism• Television: video• Music: listening, practicing • Internet: chat rooms, e-mail• Looking good: physically, socially, religiously• Control: power, influence, position• Risk/adrenaline rush• Worry• Cleaning/organizing• Exercise• Fantasy: romance, future

To sculpt a family…

• First, focus on the individuals and the elements of the sculpt and develop each individual as much as you can, in relationship to the elements of the sculpt.

• Second, focus upon the dynamics of the sculpt in placing the family members in relationship to each other to illustrate their connections, powers, problems etc. to every other member.

The rough draft…

• Create a rough draft of the family sculpt by creative exploration of the elements and dynamics of each family member.

• Draw the ideas, list the concepts, play with the process. Be daring and creative.

• Sleep on it and ponder the insights and ideas that will come to you.

• Do not be self critical and demeaning- give yourself slack and see what you can come up with.

Incubate the process…

• Incubate the ideas that come to you… give them time to settle.

• Imagine, explore, wonder, question, grieve, get angry, feel guilty, be afraid, feel the disloyalty, be sad.

• Be courageous in inviting the energies to teach you about your experience in your family.

• Be respectful of your history and embrace what you can of it.

Your reality is unique…

• The reality that was yours growing up in your family is not shared by anyone else.

• Just because you grew up in the same family does not mean a thing.

• Your unique history and personality is shared by no other in the universe.

• The question is: Will you be able to re-cover it?

Humberto Maturana, The Family Therapy Networker, p. 36; 9; 3.

“Systems theory first enabled us to recognize that all the different views presented by the different members of a family had some validity.

But systems theory implied that there were different view of the same system. What I am saying is different.

I am not saying that the different descriptions that the members of a family make are different views of the same system.

I am saying that there is no one way which the system is; that there is no absolute objective family.

I am saying that for each member there is a different family, and that each of these is absolutely valid.”

Its difficult and unsettling…

• Traditionally it may be difficult for some to think visually and symbolically about the nature of one’s own family, relationships and dysfunctions it is very common to struggle with the sculpt.

• It is also typically painful to see your family in a new and different light that may assault some of your previously held assumptions.

• Conscious living is challenging so be patient and gentle with yourself in your evolution.

Good luck with your sculpt and have some fun with it.

‘Reflection, Who I Am’

From the Disney Film: Mulan

Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride.

Or a perfect daughter.Can it be I'm not meant to play this

part?Now I see that if I were truly to be

myself,I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I seeStaring straight back at me.

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

Somehow I cannot hide who I am, Though I've tried.

When will my reflection show, Who I am inside.

When will my reflection showWho I am inside.

Look at me,You may think you see

Who I really am,But you'll never know me.

Everyday, it's as if I play

A part.

Now I see,If I wear a mask,

I can fool the world,but I cannot fool my heart.

Chorus:

Who is that girl I see?Staring straight,

Back at me.When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

I am now,In a world

Where I have to hide my heart,and what I believe in.

But somehow,I will show the world what's inside my heart,

And be loved for who I am.

Who is that girl I see,staring straight

back at me?Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'msomeone else

for all time.When will my reflection show,

who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be freeto fly

That burns with a need to knowthe reason why

Why must we all concealWhat we thinkHow we feel?

Must there bea secret me

I'm forced to hideI won't pretend that I'm

someone elsefor all time.

When will my reflection showwho I am inside?

When will my reflection showwho I am inside?

oh, ooh yeah

the end