1

SHAREMONTHLYFe

brua

ry 2

014

ADOPTION-SHARE.COM

2

A few days ago I turned 30.  The big 3-0 where I am learning that it is more like a rerun of my adolescence except that insecurity costs far more then a 5 dollar bottle of face wash.  Don't get me wrong, I was looking forward to finally joining the 30's club. After all I felt like I had been acting like I was in my 30's since I graduated from college. I married young, had three children, started Adoption-Share, all things my 20 something friends would look at me like I was some kind of creature from outer space.  So to finally be a legitimate card carrying 30's member only to fully discover its overwhelmed with as many insecurities as teens in high school, I was a little disappointed.  Or maybe its just me.  Insecurity is a terrible thing.  It's the nagging voice in your head, the one that makes you question everything.   We try to remedy it.  But the traditional mechanisms liquid courage provides is only temporary relief and often leads to greater insecurity.  Insecurity starts with the trivial, "does this top go with these pants?" and then 8 hours into your day has morphed into calling every decision you made in your entire life into question. Soon our self worth has become part of the self doubt narrative.  We go from questioning our fashion sense to wondering if we could ever be cool enough to be loved and accepted.   Where does insecurity come from and how can we get rid of it? From much contemplation on this subject I would have

to say that the root of insecurity is disbelief and that the way to overcome insecurity is through belief.  Maybe that sounds trivial, but if insecurity is nothing more then self

doubt, belief in oneself seems to be a powerful remedy.   The self help section of any book store has hundreds of resources to help the common insecurity cold. But I would posit that to really kill insecurity, the belief we start with has to go beyond positive statements about ourselves and our choosing to believe they are true.  The belief we accept has to come from

an external source, an external source that knows us well; someone that can hold a mirror to our hearts and show us who we are.   For me, that person is Jesus Christ. The belief statements I choose to accept come from Him and how He sees me.  And don't get me wrong, I have my days of insecurity, but I also know what caused it and how to fix it and for me that means getting re-connected with the One who made me.  So let me ask you, who is your external source?  What statements of belief will you accept to counter the insecurity that looms in the shadows of your heart?  Whether you are a parent now or hope to be a parent one day, insecurity will take the joy out of your role as a mother or father.  My hope and prayer is that you hold onto a truth worth believing in: that you are important, that you have a purpose, and that you have something to offer.

A word from our founderBy Anthea Ramirez, Chief Sharer

ADO

PTIO

NSHA

RE F

ebru

ary

2014

3

MJ is a 27 year old nurse and foster mom (to 22 littles at last count) and arrived home from Uganda with two beautiful daughters just 3 weeks ago. MJ and her girls love to run, read, drink chai together, and laugh through our Luganda/Spanish/English language foibles.

When you decide to say yes to a child who might only be in your life for a few days, there’s a choice to be made. How much will I love? Where will I draw the line of investing in this child’s emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing? How much of myself will I allow to be vulnerable so that this vulnerable child can feel safe? When that baby is placed in your arms – when that child slips her hand into yours – you hope they will feel safe. But how much safety can I expect to exude if my own heart is guarded by so-called wisdom and held back by fear of letting go one day? It’s well known that I advocate a deep heart-giving in these kinds of situations. There are too many days when a particular child is hard to love, nights when someone wakes up just.too.many.times. On those occasions, I need to be fully invested. I need the attachment even more than they do on those days. Of course, this kind of commitment – this emotional and spiritual connection – leaves room for a deep sense of something missing when the child moves on. In fact, Rachel and I have found that when we’re

honest about missing our Ugandan kiddos, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s as if the intensity or prolonged existence of the pain somehow calls into question the legitimacy of our grief. A few people have said that we

should, “get over it already.” But somehow I don’t think it’s inconsistent to say that you miss someone while still rejoicing and profoundly approving of God’s plan for them to move on. Of course, choosing a heart posture that honors God in that grief is necessary. Maybe the

rejoicing brings all the more glory to God because of the place of pain from which it comes. But this post is not a discussion of how much to attach or how much to grieve. It’s about what to do when you attach all the way and then need to let go. I’m learning that there’s a healthy tension of loving fully, guarding my heart, and allowing myself to miss and it can only be maintained if I remember two things: who I am and who God is. Let me tell you what I mean: Everyone has their own style of attachment. Mine is to jump in no holds barred and love each child right now believing, at the same time, that they might be in my life forever and they might be gone tomorrow. Those two very real possibilities call out the same level of commitment, intensity, steadfastness, and purpose in me.

ADO

PTIO

NSHA

RE F

ebru

ary

2014

Continued on page 3

How to Love In UncertaintyMJ Turner

4

ADO

PTIO

NSHA

RE F

ebru

ary

2014

Check out the Adoption-Share video!For testimonies of how Adoption-Share is helping pregnancy centers,

adoptive families, agencies and birthparents, click HERE!

If this baby in my arms is my daughter, would I want to remember that I held back from her in our first months together? If she’s someone else’s daughter, loving her someone else means I lay down my life for them by caring for this child as if she were my own, ready to humbly return her to Jesus and allow him to place her in that someone else’s arms when the time comes.

There’s no profound revelation behind this heart stance. It’s simply what I’ve learned from the way Jesus loves me. He chose me

before I loved him and he loves me whether or not I choose him. He loves me today with the same passion as tomorrow and yesterday, whether I’m walking close to him or turning by back to him in fear. His love is constant, consistent, sure. It’s this love I’m drawing on most days. There are days when I’m drawing from my own leaky bucket and on those days, he scoots in closer than ever and whispers, “Remember where you started this day?

Come back.” It’s his consistent love that compels me to joy even when my

circumstances (or those of the children I’ve loved) are not what I think they should be.

Trusting God’s goodness for the children I cared for in Uganda is not difficult at all. They are each living in homes where they are adored, where they are learning love, where they will grow up knowing God’s goodness on every level. But I still miss them, because when you dive in wholeheartedly in love towards a child who suddenly moves on, that place in your heart is left empty.

How to Love In Uncertainty (continued from page 3)

Continued on page 5

5

ADO

PTIO

NSHA

RE F

ebru

ary

2014

The great thing about having empty places that no one understands and no one else can fill is that Jesus moves into them – if we ask him to. In the case of several of my foster children (from long ago), the someone else who I was standing-in for turned out to be someone I didn’t trust. When it came time for them to go, I didn’t agree. Seven years later, I still don’t know where they are. This is not ideal, obviously, but sometimes it’s reality and my only salvation in a situation like that is to remember that the God who committed them to me for a season has committed Himself to them for a lifetime. That’s the promise. My perspective of God’s goodness is too limited for me to attempt to tell him what that everlasting covenant should look like today – for me, for my family, for anyone I love. The fact that I don’t understand his timing is not a reflection on God’s goodness. It is a reflection of my struggle to trust his goodness.  I can as soon fully understand the goodness of God as a baby can understand why her loving parents allow the doctor to give her a life saving, but painful, surgery. But whether or not I can fully understand him, I have him. And he is good. The moments of missing are few and far between these days. They’re limited to anniversaries and the times when Rachel and I let ourselves reminisce about the improbabilities and chaos of that year in Uganda. But, when they do surface, my go-to phrase for Jesus is, “OK, I feel lonely here and I miss so-and-so today. What do you want to show me about yourself in this? Where are you for me right now?” And let me just say, that little series of questions is like a key that unlocks things I didn’t know about Jesus and me. It turns the areas of my life that I don’t understand into spaces where I can go deep with Jesus. It turns fear into the most trusting friendship. It turns shame into the deepest acceptance. It turns loneliness into the sweetest communion with my truest Friend. And I’ll take that over avoiding pain any day.

To learn more about MJ or to follow her blog click here.

How to Love In Uncertainty (continued from page 3)

6

ADO

PTIO

NSHA

RE F

ebru

ary

2014

Names, Names, Names! We asked and you answered! Find out what some of you shared on our Facebook discussion regarding naming your adopted son or daughter.

“My husband and I had the name Kyle Joseph since we first started dating (Joseph is both of our dad's middle names), and it was the only name we agreed on....and I knew it was fate when our birthmom, Kylie, called us with such a similar name...I knew we would have a boy and our adoption would go through because of her name!”

“We chose the first name and the middle name we chose from three that they gave to us to choose from. Her Hebrew name is actually her biological grandmother's Hebrew name and she has my grandmothers name as a Hebrew name. It's a perfect mesh of names from both families.”

“Patrick because my grandmother was Irish and my great uncle was Patrick. William because my beloved grand father is William. Bonus is that all three names have 7 letters!”

“Our daughter's middle name is her birth mother's first name!”

“We wanted a biblical name for our son and we both agreed on Paul Matthew!!”

“Brian as it means strength. At the time we didn't know it was our birth mother's oldest son's middle name!”

“All of our children have their first name after a Biblical person and their middle name after a family member of faith. We wanted nothing different for our adopted son....yet we kept the name given by his birth mom as his "second" middle name”

Stay tuned on our Facebook page for our giveaway this month ..... a copy of Motherbridge of Love. This beautiful children’s book captures the precious gift of adoption. Contest will run 2/12-2/14.

7

ADO

PTIO

NSHA

RE F

ebru

ary

2014

ADOPTION-SHAREWWW.ADOPTION-SHARE.COM

PO BOX 1532 BRUNSWICK, GA 31521

Connect with us on: Facebook Twitter YouTubefacebook.com/adoptionshare @adoptionshare youtube.com/adoptionshare

Adoptive Parents Expectant Parents Adoption Entities

Have you joined THE adoption network?

Adoption-Share.com is an online networking platform and support group. Adoption-Share is not like most adoption websites and it is the ONLY online community exclusively for networking crisis pregnancy centers, licensed agencies, home study approved adoptive parents and birth parents. Let our online family enhance your knowledge, expand your network and help you achieve your adoption goals efficiently and effectively. Visit us online HERE.