final - the gottman institute

Contents1

Inside The Seattle Love Lab: The Truth About Happy Marriages 4

2How I Predict Divorce 6

3Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps 9

4Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration 22

5Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away 26

6Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You 33

7The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict 41

8Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems 45

9Coping with Typical Solvable Problems 56

10Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock 58

11Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning 62

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©2012 by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc. 5

Exercise: True or False

1. Couples where one or both partners are neurotic or have personality problems are destined for failure. T or F

2. Relationships where couples are conflict avoidant last longer. T or F

3. A good marriage vs. a bad marriage is one in which a couple intentionally reciprocates a positive action tit for tat, such as paying your partner back for washing the dishes by taking out the garbage. T or F

4. The majority of divorced couples say that an affair was to blame. T or F

5. More women are having affairs than men. T or F

6. Gender differences between men and women are one of the major causes of relationship dissolution. T or F

Answers:1. False The key to a happy marriage isn’t having a normal personality, rather

finding a partner whom you mesh well with.

2. False No one style of conflict is any better than the other as long as it works for both partner.

3. False Happy spouses don’t keep a running tally of chores, they do it just because they generally feel positive about their spouse and their relationship.

4. False Only 20 to 27 percent of couples say an extramarital relationship was partially to blame for the divorce.

5. True The number of extramarital affairs in young women slightly exceeds those of men.

6. False Gender difference may contribute to marital problems but do not cause them.

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18 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Companion Workbook

Mission & Legacy (p. 59)What is the purpose of your life? What is your mission statement? Read through each question on page 59 and then answer below.

1.

2.

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Friendship is the foundation for passion, intimacy and good sex. When your friendship is strong, other areas of your relationship can flourish.

Affection, fondness and admiration can be rekindled!

Questionnaire:Fondness & Admiration (p. 66-67)

Circle the answer to the True-False statements on pages 66-67 from The Seven Principles book in the space below. For fun, you can tally your score. 10 or more True statements indicate that your Fondness & Admiration system is a strength.

1. T or F 6. T or F 11. T or F 16. T or F





S C O R E :

Exercise:“I Appreciate…” (p. 68-69)

Complete the “I Appreciate...” exercise on pages 68-69 in The Seven Principles book and share the answers with your partner.

Characteristic: __________________________________________________________

Incident: ______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

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Reflect & JournalWhat was it like to take a trip down memory lane? What new insight did you gain by exchanging your individual perspectives with each other?

Assignment:A Seven Week Course in Fondness & Admiration (p. 72-77)

The goal of this exercise is to rehearse a more positive way to think about your partner and your relationship. Focusing on the positive is grounded in research and will challenge your current state of mind. You will be practicing positive thoughts for seven weeks, which means that you will need to find a way to remind yourself of your weekly Thought and Task.

Here are some ideas of how to stay on top of your Thoughts and Tasks.

1. Add a reminder on your calendar.

2. Write your Thought and Task on your bathroom mirror using a dry erase marker.

3. Check out the 7-Week Fondness & Admiration tracker, one of 4 booklets in The Relationship Guide (online in our store).

4. Write on an index card and place near speedometer of your car. Replace daily.

5. Set an alarm on your cell phone.

6. Wear a colored rubber band around your wrist.

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final - the gottman institute

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