final wcg election special

8/6/2019 FINAL WCG Election Special

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Nick Griffin, who was hoping to

win over the public with his dev-

ilish good looks and impish per-

sonality.)

Unquestionably, conventional

wisdom had it that these debates would

be a major triumph for Cameron. All he

needed to do was show his suspiciously

glossy forehead on stage and his mainopponent, with the face of a depressed,

alcoholic Fat Controller would have lost

as modern democracy did its job.

However, this didnt happen. Instead, the

debates saw Clegg rise to the fore of na-

tional politics as Cleggmania swept the

nation off its feet like an underwhelming

victory by Andy Murray. Clegg inces-

santly attacked the old parties and their

dirty style of politicking, presenting

THE election is once again upon us

and this years is closer and more in-

triguing than any Zimbabwean

equivalent. Following the televised

prime ministerial debates, British

politics has taken historic leap in the

light: newly polished and prepped to

assume its squeamish position under

the glare of the studio lights. The ex-citement was hard to contain. It was a

chance for Gordon Brown, David

Cameron and Nick Clegg (leader of

the Liberal Democrats, apparently) to

connect with the electorate and im-

press with their firebrand rhetoric.

(There are other parties you could

vote for, obviously. But they're ex-

cluded from the debates and therefore

no longer exist a terrible blow for

himself as a hopeful white Obama.

Ironically, the fact that most of the

electorate hadnt even heard of him

before the debates made his cam-

paign all the more successful, afford-

ing him with a freshness which

couldnt be matched. Although his

critics may say his act has gotten

tedious and uninspiring, one cannot

deny that the election is now an ex-

citing three-horse race.

So, whos it to be? The polls say that

Cameron is currently in the lead,

followed by the energised Clegg and

trailed by Brown who seems to havean allergy to luck after the

bigotgate gaff. (For a provocative,

cerebral and entertaining analysis of

each candidates chances see pages 2

-3) Then, of course, theres the pos-

sibility of a hung parliament surely

a prospect less inviting than a cup-

cake made by Peter Mandelson.

Whatever the result, its clear that

British politics will never be the

same again.

The Wildcat Gazette:

Quick Fire NewsSame News, Just Faster

Chuck Norris has three fists:It has been revealed that where

Chucks chin is supposed to be

there is just another fist.

Tetley Tea secret ingredient re-vealed:

Is actually coffee.

Kim Jong-Il - Bring on Tiger:The North Korean hero recently

played his first round of golf and

shot nine hole in ones!

Election Special: Bon Voyage Brown,Demonic Dave and Cosmic Clegg Lets get ready

to rumble

Vending Machine:Allen wants a vending machine

with decent drinks, like Roche. We

the wildcats are sick of Five Alive,

Appletiser and Orange juice. In-

stead we at the WCG suggest a

mixture of high protein shakes and

energy drinks.Want your story in the gazette email

us at:

[email protected]


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Whether it be drunken chavs

or pretentious socialites,

Gordon Brown is often the

topic of cynical hysteria

bounced around a conversa-

tion. The Cyclopes has in-

deed had a hard premiership,

with an economic climate

that can only be blamed on

the previous Chancellor....

oh wait. This weeks events

brought Brown to a newlow. We are not referring to

another humiliating loss to

Nick Clegg, a man who the

Gazette featured only a

month ago in the article

Who is Nick Clegg; but of

course to the withdrawal of

Peppa Pig, the popular chil-

drens cartoon who pulled

out of appearing at a Labour

election event highlighting thepartys policy on families. The

devastating blow to the Flashs

campaign could be costly, a La-

bour party spokesman told the

Gazette Peppa and Gordon

were extremely close, Gordon

was known to call up Peppa

with questions about the reces-

sion and even basic economic

problems in the early hours.

The partys morale but most

significantly integrity has most

defiantly suffered from

Peppas withdrawal.

surprised at Cleggs TV debate

success. Surely no one really be-

lieved that the Gordon Brown cha-

risma robot or Questionably Shiny

Dave would (or could for that mat-

ter) awe us with their magnificent

oratory? It seems however Nick is

lacking a vital component in hisarmoury. In an attempt to bolster

support we saw Gordon Brown

bring out his wife Sarah (to make

him seem human), Dave and Sam-

Cam apparently work as a team,

and Nick - as we all know has his

dependable Vince. (Incidentally

Uncle Vince Cable has recently

re-released his famous single For

the love of money feat MC Merv)

But the lack of public appearancesof the Cleggete - Miriam - has

caused some political punters to

question her very existence, or per-

Like a white man on crack Nick

Clegg has stormed to the front

in the sprint that is the election

campaign in recent weeks.

Cleggmania has been sweeping

the country and the Liberals

ratings are higher than the time

of Menzies Campbells birth, soany piece on the Lib Dems

should rightly start by address-

ing Nicks Cleggtastic perform-

ances in the prime ministerial

debates in recent weeks. This is

surely the crucible to their in-

creased popularity - at one point

Clegg even led the fabled

worm polls. It is fair to say

that Nick Clegg has revitalised

the Liberalss image. (Peopleactually recognising him now is

clearly a bonus). But to be hon-

est, should we really have been

haps that she just has a monobrow.But one things for sure its defi-

nitely become acceptable to vote

for the Liberal Democrats, unless

you live in Sheffield that is.

Liberal Democrats

Labour

Page 2The Wildcat Gazette: Dubious At Best

Blue

Steel


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hugged hoodies; he went green; heeven visited a council estate without

insisting on having a tetanus jab first.

All seemed well in Conservative-land

George Osborne even had a successful

stint in the Christmas pantomime season

2008. The people of Britain were se-

duced, and began to think of this man,

webbed feet and all, as the best candi-

date to lead their nation out of the eco-

nomic crisis (or at least better than the

Cyclops and the other chappy).But then his, and the Conservatives,

true colours began to emerge. The sup-

posed hoodies were actually undercover

Etonians. His house was found to be

powered by burning the corpses of

Syndactyly (the condition of having two

or more fused digits) has experienced

something of a nadir since the antics of

Joseph Stalin. In fact, quackers have

had a less than positive impact on hu-

mankind in recent centuries. Whether it

be the Terror of Maximilien Robespi-

erre or the horrors of Michael Bay, it

seems that they are determined to de-

stroy all that the modern civilisation

holds dear.

All this leads one to question the politi-

cal expediency of the Conservative

Party having a leader afflicted by this

deformity. No doubt they have pushed

the envelope before. Benjamin Disraeli

was the first Jewish PM (non-

practicing) and Margaret Thatcher was

the first female PM (non-feminine),

whilst Iain Duncan Smith was the first

party leader made of cardboard. They

even released a manifesto (1970)

through the medium of dance. However,

surely putting David Duckhouse Cam-

eron on the ticket is just one step too

far.After narrowly defeating the Evil Grim-

ace in the closest fought Party Leader-

ship battle in decades Cameron worked

hard to cleanse the Party image: he

working class single mothers. He wasrecorded describing the north of Eng-

land as worse than Mordor and Nazi

Germany combined. A few months

ago it looked as if Dave would romp

home to victory; they could still win

with a majority, albeit a narrow one.

This is truly worrying due to the prece-

dent set by others of his kind, and this

reporter can only hope that Britain

under Cameron doesnt suffer like the

USSR under Stalin (unless the faminesthat killed 30 million in Ukraine can be

repeated in Scotland... that wouldnt be

so bad).

Conservatives


WhoShouldIVoteFor???Ilikesmallgovern

ment

Jeevescooksmy

dinner

Ilaughatthepoor

VoteConservative

I am Jeeves

I like pie and ale

I hate southern soft-ies

Vote Labour

I was bullied at

school

I am a white, middle-aged, agnostic den-

tist

Opinions?

Vote Lib Dem

Im an idiot

Vote for the others


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Pope Benedict

has caused con-

troversy by

declaring that

there is no truth

in reports of

child molesta-

tion by Catholic

priests. Accord-

ing to the Holy

Father, the

victims have

fabricated a massive conspiracy to help them triumph in talent

competitions such as the X-Factor in Britain and American Idol

in the USA. Successful acts on these shows have generally been

backed up by sob-stories aimed at pulling on the heartstrings

of sympathetic voters. For example, Same Difference played

the Fritzl children of Britain card in 2007 and finished 3rd,

despite being quite clearly the least talented humans of all time.

Nevertheless,

Bennys claims are some-

what difficult to support dueto the huge number of cases

and the physical evidence. It

seems that this is just the

latest of a series of strange

outbursts by the former Hit-

ler Youth member (he was

forced...). During his Christ-

mas 2009 address he pro-

claimed that vegetarians had

deposed the Devil as the

biggest threat to Christen-

dom. Just last week he an-

nounced that Jesus Christs

name was to be changed to

John Parkin with immediate

affect.

All this leads the WCG to

question whether the worlds

largest religious organisation

can really be led by a man

who is so clearly senile.Surely it is time to replace

Benedict with someone more

in touch with the modern

world. Because of this we

have compiled a five man

(obviously) list of potentially

better candidates: 1) Barack

Black Jesus Obama; 2)

Bruce Forsyth, perfect for

adding some young blood; 3)

Big Bird, 4) Gordon Brown,

hes gonna have a lot of free

time soon; 5) Menzies

Campbell, he could really

get Catholics back to their

basic principle, having been

one of Jesus 12 apostles.

Benedict: Child abuse reports no more than X-Factor

sob-stories


BerlusconisThought For The

Week!

Does this rag smell

like chloroform to

you?

Iceland: Public Enemy

No.1. Ahead Of NickGriffin.Inarecentopinionpoll,IcelandsEy

jafjallajokullvolcanowhichdevastated

internationaltravelcameaheadof

BNPsfhrerNickGriffin.Forcomment,theWCG calledtheBNPyouth

HQinChippenham.However,our

statusasradicalleftwingpublication

meantwewererefusedan interview.

IndefenceoftheIcelandicmenace,thevolcanologist KarlCarlsontoldthe

WCGthatVolcanoesgetabadrep,

theyrereallyhot.Greatstuff.

TheGreenPartyalsospokeupagainst

thevolcanothisweekaccusingitof

producingunacceptableC02emis

sions,andaseriousbreakingofthe

Kyotoagreement.

TheEUisnowconsideringeconomic

andtradesanctionsagainstIcelands

Eyjafjallajokull.UKIParguedthatthis

isanotherexampleofwhywe

shouldntbeinEurope.


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Straight talking comments from everyones favourite

nuke-head...

Mahmoud on... FACIAL HAIR

How can you judge a man? His watch, his car, his

property (donkey, house, wives)? No; far more im-

portant is his facial hair. This is how you judge a

man. A man without facial hair is a man without

honour. Think of the worlds great men Hitler, Sta-

lin, Bin Laden, Thatcher they all have glorious

whiskers. A full-faced man is a successful man, a

fertile man, a happy man. With facial hair one canwake up in the morning, open ones bedroom win-

dow, and shout I AM A MAN. Hairless men can-

not say this. They must wonder the roads lonely, without a beard to comfort

them, hold them, caress them. I feel sorry for these men. They are destined to a

life of failure and poverty.

For tips on how to grow and maintain facial hair buy my new book, from my

popular Mahmoud on... range,Mahmoud on Facial Hair: from shadow to

mane. It is available online and in all good book stores, and has an RRP of just

7.99. Also available: Mahmoud on Israel, Mahmoud on Democracy, and

many more...

The Real Africa Wildlife Guide

THE VIEW FROM ARABIA:


During a safari remember, Lions will always get the better

of you. Also, never trust a Cheetah or go too near the wa-

tering hole. And remember kids GUNS DONT KILL

PEOPLE, HIPPOS DO!

WCGINorOUTIn

- Luiz Incio Lula

- The British General

Election

- Afghani cricket

- Hegelian metaphysics

Out...- Greeces economy

- Liverpool FC

- Sacerdotal paedophilia

- Icelandic volcanoes

Interview With Nelson Piquet Jr.The WCG caught up with Jr.

Whats your favourite film?

Definitely Crash. I find that I can relate to that film

like no other.

What would be your first question to the people of

Antarctica?

Do any of you want to start an F1 team?

Whos your favourite dictator?

Colonel Gaddafi. Hes had such a great life.

Whos your hero?

Rear Admiral Masafumi

Arima (inventor of the Kami-

kaze tactic). I admire any pi-

lot who has the guts to pur-posely crash on command,

they shall inherit the kingdom

of heaven.


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SPORTSFootball Special: Was Socrates Offside?

In the Monty Python classic Greeks v. German philosophers football fixture,questions have been raised about whether Socrates winning goal was onside.

In the original, refereed by Confucius, Captain Nobby Hegel led out a Ger-

man team that incongruously included one real footballer - the great Franz

Beckenbauer, the only player wearing a football strip. The Greeks, clad in

togas, stood around thinking, as did the Germans in frock coats. Nothing hap-

pened until in the final minute surprise selection Archimedes shouted

Eureka! and encouraged his side to start kicking the ball towards the goal.

After a neat one-two between Archimedes and Socrates, Heraclitus set up

Socrates for a superb diving header past German goalie Leibniz that was

possibly the most important goal of his career, the commentator declared.

Meanwhile Marx who had come on for a lacklustre Wittgenstein - claimedoffside. Replays on YouTube now seem to vindicate him. Meanwhile Hegel

argued that reality was merely an a priori adjunct of non-natural ethics, and

Kant, via the categorical imperative, asserted that ontologically it exists only

in the imagination. Fair point.

Horoscopes

21/05/2010?

Leo

July 24 August 23

You will regret wasting about ten seconds of your life

any time around about...now, there you go, told you.

Virgo

September 24 October 23

There is a gun trained on you, Virgo; now stay still,don't try anything and no one will get hurt, understand?

Scorpio

October 24 November 22

Today you will feel satisfied with your life/suicidal

[delete as applicable].

Sagittarius

November 23 December 21You really are a gullible idiot aren't you.

Capricorn

December 22 January 20

You will contemplate becoming an astrologist, but aftermuch ridicule, think better of it.

Aquarius

January 21February 20

You will meet the love of your life in your lifetime.

PiscesFebruary 21 March 20

Hitler will invade Poland in 1939.

Aries

March 21 April 20

You will see a man, or possibly a woman, unless you don't.

Taurus

April 21 May 21

Like your star sign, Taurus, this is bull.

GeminiMay 22 June 22

Mercury is prominent today, so don't drink tap water.

Cancer

June 23 July 23

You will meet, and then kick an investment banker.

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final wcg election special

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