first 7 years

7/27/2019 First 7 Years

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Parenting With Strong Values and a Gentle ouch

Kay Kuzma, Ed.D.

What you need to know about...

with Kari St. Clair

Pacifc Press Publishing AssociationNampa, Idaho

Oshawa, Ontario, Canada

www.pacifcpress.com

Tree Angels Broadcasting NetworkWest Frankort, Illinois

www.3abn.org


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ContentsIntroduction ......................................................................................................................9

Section 1: Purpose-Based Parenting

Chapter 1: What Do I Want or My Children? ...................................................... 19

Chapter 2: Getting Inormation to Help You Chart Your Course ....................... 28

Chapter 3: Cultivating an Attitude o Awe Even on Awul Days ......................... 39Chapter 4: Giving Your Children the Best o Your ime ...................................... 54

Chapter 5: Living a Fulflled and Balanced Liestyle ............................................. 69

Chapter 6: Becoming the Person You Want Your Child to Be ............................. 87

Section 2: Filling Your Childs Lie With Love

Chapter 7: How the Love Cup Works ................................................................... 104

Chapter 8: C Is or Care ...................................................................................... 117

Chapter 9: R Is or Respect ................................................................................. 127Chapter 10: A Is or Acceptance ......................................................................... 136

Chapter 11: F Is or Forgiveness ........................................................................ 145

Chapter 12: Is or rust ................................................................................... 153

Section 3: Discovering Your Childs Potential

Chapter 13: Low vs. High Activity Level .............................................................. 169

Chapter 14: Sel-Controlled vs. Impulsive Actions ............................................. 185

Chapter 15: Adaptable vs. Resistant to Change ................................................... 191

Chapter 16: Regular vs. Irregular Body Functions .............................................. 197

Chapter 17: Calm vs. Intense Reaction to Stimuli ............................................... 209

Chapter 18: Positive vs. Negative Mood ............................................................... 217

Chapter 19: Approach vs. Withdrawal .................................................................. 225

Chapter 20: Persistence vs. Distraction ................................................................ 236

Chapter 21: Creativity vs. Conormity .................................................................. 244Chapter 22: Generosity vs. Sel-Centeredness ..................................................... 253

Section 4: Shrinking Emotional Giants

Chapter 23: Understanding How Emotions Work .............................................. 265

Chapter 24: Anger: Te First Emotional Giant ................................................... 270

Chapter 25: Jealousy: Te Second Emotional Giant ........................................... 285

Chapter 26: Fear: Te Tird Emotional Giant ..................................................... 297


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Chapter 27: How to Shrink the Giants .................................................................. 308Chapter 28: Managing Your Own Giants ............................................................. 317

Section 5: eaching Love-Based Obedience

Chapter 29: eaching Your Child Youre a Loving Authority ............................ 336

Chapter 30: Guidelines or Avoiding Conict ..................................................... 350

Chapter 31: Setting Obey-able Limits ................................................................... 372

Chapter 32: Letting Tem Live With the Consequences .................................... 385

Chapter 33: Discipline or the Earliest Years ........................................................ 395Chapter 34: What About Spanking? ...................................................................... 407

Section 6: Raising a Brighter, More Capable Child

Chapter 35: Four Keys to Healthy Development ................................................. 422

Chapter 36: Te Optimal Learning Environment ............................................... 437

Chapter 37: How Children Learn Language ........................................................ 449

Chapter 38: eaching Your Own Child ................................................................. 460

Chapter 39: Getting Ready or School .................................................................. 467

Chapter 40: Controlling the V and Other Electronic emptations ................ 480

Section 7: Shaping Your Childs Moral Destiny

Chapter 41: What Is Moral Character? ................................................................. 502

Chapter 42: How to INuence Your Child or Good .......................................... 507

Chapter 43: Providing Decision-Making INormation ...................................... 535

Chapter 44: INternal Control and the Ability to Say No ................................. 544Chapter 45: How to Shape Your Childs Spiritual and Moral Character .......... 555

Chapter 46: Developing a Character-Building Plan ............................................ 575

Section 8: Giving the Gif o Personal Value

Chapter 47: Te Power o Words ........................................................................... 603

Chapter 48: A Healthy Sel-Concept Starts With Sel-Image ............................ 619

Chapter 49: Te Mirror o Sel-Esteem ................................................................. 630

Chapter 50: Building Sel-Confdence .................................................................. 642Chapter 51: Keeping Sel-Respect Healthy ........................................................... 656

Chapter 52: Gods Value o Your Child ................................................................. 664

Appendix: Making Sure Your Child Stays Sae and Healthy ................................. 674

Index ............................................................................................................................. 677


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Introduction

Children are highly impressionable. Tey become

what they see, hear, and experience. During

the frst seven years, their oundational habits

or lie will be ormed. Te frst seven years arelike an open window o opportunity or parents

to inuence, to teach, and to mold their children

into capable, caring, and Christ-centered human

beings. Tats the ultimate outcomethe purpose o this parenting program.

Development is so rapid during this time that your children will never, ever learn

as much and as quickly as they will in early childhood. During these frst seven years,

your childrens values and motivational basis or lietime behavior are ormed. But

it is also during this critical time o rapid development that your children are most

vulnerableto the good as well as the bad! You cant aord to waste these years.

Parenting is an incredible journey that you can never take again. Tats why it

is vitally important to give it your best. Let Te Fist 7 Yeas be your roadmap and

travel guide to help you get to where you want to go.

hroughout the book, I talk about strong, gentle parents. his is not anoxymoron. It is possible. In act, it is absolutely essential or this program to work.

You must be strong in one dimensionin the values you hold. But not just any

values; these are the values that help you teach your children appropriate attitudes

and behaviors consistent with Scripture.

Te second dimension has to do with the

way you teach those values. Tats where the

Christlike gentle touchcomes in. I you areharsh and demanding, it is very likely yourchildren will rebel and turn away rom your

value system sometime down the road. In

addition, you are setting up your children to reap a lietime o emotional pain and

rejection, and the cycle o abuse continues.

Paents must be SRONGwhen it cmes t values an

GENLE when it cmes t achils spiit.

Te ighteus man

walks in his integity; hischilen ae blesse afe him.Pvebs 20:7, NKJV


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I children are raised by parents who standstrong or Christ-centered values, yet remain

gentle when it comes to the childs spirit,

those children tend to grow up exhibiting

the same characteristics. Eventually, they

will parent rom the same perspective as they

were parented. But i scolded, threatened, and

whipped into shape, too oen the only model these children know becomes theirway o parenting.

God designed children with undamental needs that must be met in order

or them to become healthy adults. Tis book will give you the principle-based

inormation you need or meeting your childs needs in the ollowing areas: purpose,

love, individuality, emotions, discipline, cognitive learning, moral character, and

personal value. When you lovingly and aithully meet these needs, you will be

molding kids who will be open to Gods love and to His limits.

Because children see God as an extension o their parents, the ones raised in

homes where parents exhibit strong values and a gentle touch will be drawn to seek

a close and meaningul relationship with their heavenly Parent. As they experience

a saving relationship with Christ, they will want to live by His admonition to love

othersincluding those who mistreat them. And theyll have the power to do so.

With Christ, a victorious lie is possible! What a oundation o hope, security, peace,and joy this provides during the growing years when ear, ailure, and rejection so

oen lurk in the shadows.

Parents, I appeal to you: Be strong. Stand or what is right. Be willing to say, as

Joshua did, As or me and my amily, we will serve the Lord. And at the same time,

ask God to turn your hearts to your childrens

hearts (see Malachi 4:6). Do not withhold

good rom those who deserve it (Proverbs3:27, NL). Care or their tender spirits. Learn

to discipline without stirring up their combative

dispositions (see Ephesians 6:4). Parents who

exact obedience with a spirit o condemnation, drive their children away rom God.

Children say, I thats religion, I dont want any o it.

But as me anmy amily, we will seve

the Lord. Jshua 24:15, NL

D nt withhl g

m thse wh eseve it.

Pvebs 3:27, NL

Introduction


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Instead, parent with grace. Pray or Christlike compassion that will lead yourchildren to willing obedience. When your

children make mistakes, pray or Christlike

mercy that will lead them to repentance. alk

to your children about Gods love or them.

Ask or Holy Spirit insights to help you know

how to best deal with them. And treat them as

royal sons and daughters o God. Tis is the typeo parenting that will turn their hearts to their

Savior, who exhibited a perect blend o strong

principled leadership and gentle shepherding.

Te First 7 Years will give you the tools you need

to be strong, yet gentle, as you lead your children

in the way they should go.

How to Get the Most Out oTe First 7 Years

Tis book is planned to be a lie-changing interactive guide. Te concepts

and principles presented will not really become yours unless you underline, write

down your questions, make comments in the margins, answer the questions posed,

consider how the principles can be applied to your own children, and then practice

teaching until the gentle touch parenting skills become habits. Most people havebeen taught rom childhood not to mark up their books. I this is a lie script your

parents have given you, its time to write a new one or yoursel. Tis book has been

designed to be written in!

Tis book is also designed or small group interaction, so parents can learn

rom each other as they discuss these principles and share what they have ound to

be eective in the raising o their own children. When parents meet together and

prayerully share whats on their hearts and encourage one another, something good

happens. Older parents, whove been through the early years, become mentors or

younger ones. Tey claim Bible promises or each other, and the miracles start to

happen.

Tere are fy-two chapters in the book, one or each week o the year. You

will probably give Te First 7 Years one complete reading in a short period o

Let athe an mtheemembe that they

themselves ae but gwn-upchilen. . . . Because thei

wn mistakes an es theyshul lean t eal gently withthei eing chilen.

E. G. White, eligius leae

Introduction


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time to become acquainted with its basic concepts, as well as to fnd solutions toyour immediate problems and the answers to your current questions. But i the

principles, which are the heart o this parenting program, are to become truly yours,

you will need time to consider and apply the content o each chapter. Pray about the

material, and ask God to impress you with how

these principles can be applied to your own

amily. Hopeully, you will be able to practice

them with your children beore going on to thenext chapter.

I you consistently ollow this weekly plan,

in one year you will have the basic parenting

tools that will take you successully through

the growing years. I you ollow this program, it will change your lieand the

lives o your children. You will have gained new insights you may have never

considered beore. You will have an expanded appreciation o the qualities, talents,

and potential o each child God has placed in your care. And you will eel confdent

that, with God, you can be an eective parent and be successul in accomplishing

your parenting purpose.

I encourage you to review this material yearly as your children grow and your

parenting challenges changeor as new babies join your amily. With Te First 7

Years, you can enjoy the parenting journey as your children mature into vibrant,loving, gentle people with strong principled values; and who will love God, respect

you, and bless humanity.

Kay Kuzma, Ed.D.

Bing them [yu chilen]

up with the isciplinean instuctin appveby the L.

Ephesians 6:4b, NL

Introduction


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Purpose-based parenting gives direction to your daily interactions with your

children. Instead o being blown by the shiing winds o culture, tradition, ad,

or ancy, parents can determine what they want their children to become andthen evaluate their parenting perormance accordingly. Children thrive in an

environment that has the parental rudder o purpose guiding them. Children eel

secure knowing their parents have a purpose behind what they say and do.

As we start this journey together through Te First 7 Years I challenge you

to prayerully consider what characteristics you would like to see your children

Section 1

Purpose-Based Parenting


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develop. What kind o adults would you like them to become? Your answer willbecome your ultimate parenting purpose. Tis is what you want to accomplish

during these growing years.

o help you orm a general parenting statement o purpose, consider this: God

created your children with unique characteristics to accomplish a special work or

Him. What attitudes, thought patterns, and characteristics do you eel God wants

them to develop? Pause a moment. Ask Him. And beore reading on, list the things

that God brings to your mind:

How is it possible, in the world in which we live, to raise children to be all that

God wants them to be? Te task seems overwhelming. But God says that nothing

is impossible or Him. He says that i you will

ask, it will be granted. Tat is your hope and

your assurance. With confdence you can be the

parent God wants you to be and to train up Hischildren in the way they should go.

I challenge you. Write a statement o purpose about what you want most or

your children. Since youll only be successul as a partner with God, write it in the

orm o a prayer. Here are some examples:

Father God,

I want my children to love God, respect meand other authorities, and bless others.

I want my children to accept themselves or the persons

You created them to be.

I want my children to have the inner joy o knowing

they are loved supremely by You.

Why is it that nly amateushave chilen?

Because they ae teachable!

Purpose-Based ParentingSection 1


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I want my children to have the confdence in themselves and theaith in You to know that with Christ they can successully meet and

overcome whatever lie challenges they might ace in the uture.

I want my children to stand or right; to upli the

oppressed; and to speak out against injustice.

I want my children to be secure enough to be dierent rom the crowd; to set

their moral thermostat at a high standard; and to live by their convictions. I want my children to fnd joy, contentment, and

ulfllment in doing what You want them to do.

I want my children to have a heart or hurting and broken people; to help restore

their dignity; and bring them the hope that is only possible in Jesus Christ.

I want my children to be passionate toward Jesus Christ; to love His

written Word; and to have a heart desire to share Jesus with others.

I want my children to ocus on Jesus (not me) as their parenting

model, and be Christlike parents to my grandchildren!

A Prayer Statement of Purpose

What prayer would I like to pray for my children that can be prayed throughout

their childhood that will have lasting efects and will help me mold them into what

Christ would have them to be?

Introduction


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Youll want to make this your daily prayer throughout their growing years.When your purpose is clear and when you have a strong connection to Holy

Spirit insight, youll fnd yoursel becoming the strong gentle parent you want or

your children.

his prayer statement o purpose will guide you as you teach your children

day by day, but it will be a general guide. o make it practical, you will need to

establish more speciic goals or your children on a daily basis. Sometimes these

goals might be general enough to apply to all your children, such as, For mychildren to creatively solve conlict without hurting each other. Other times

you will want even more speciic objectives that will determine how you deal

with speciic children, at speciic stages o their lives, or speciic problems.

An example might be, For my son to say please when asking or something,

or, For my daughter to ask permission beore playing with the children next

door.

Many times during the day you may fnd yoursel wondering what might be themost appropriate way to teach a certain lesson and solve a problem behavior. You

will be more eective in your teaching i you once again keep your purpose in mind.

What outcome behavior do you want? Ten you can ask, How can that behavior be

most eectively taught? Because dierent things motivate dierent children, you

may try one technique, and i it doesnt work, try another. But your purposeyour

objectivenever changes.

An Example of Purpose-Based Problem Solving

eaching a Chil t Eat in Meatin

Te problem: yler flls his plate with more ood than he can eat.

Te purpose o your teaching: yler will take a moderate amount o ood so

its not wasted.



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Te teaching techniques you might consider:

Technique #1: You could put the ood on ylers plate until he is older and

can make better decisions. But i your purpose is that yler will only take a

moderate amount o ood, while that technique might solve the immediate

problem, will it teach the behavior you want? No. You take the responsibility

away rom him.

echnique #2: You could establish the policy that yler takes one spoonul oeverything he wants and when he has fnished eating what he has taken, he

can take one more spoonul. Tis technique puts the responsibility on yler

or choosing how much to take, and it gives him the opportunity to begin

judging the amount o ood he can eat beore his stomach is ull. He may still

leave some ood on his plate, but it will not be the large amounts that he has

le previously.

Technique #3: Establish the policy that yler must eat everything he puts on

his plate. Tis technique has two major aults. First, it orces yler into a habit

o fnishing everything he takes, which, i he continues to take too much

ood, can lead to obesity. Second, youre setting up yler or ailure instead o

success. Te chances are good that yler will continue to take more ood than

he can eat, and you will now be orced to discipline him or not keeping the

rule, eat everything on your plate. Tis technique has very little to do withyour purposeto teach yler to take a moderate amount o ood.

When you know what your purpose is or

your childrenwhat behavior you want them

to learnyoull fnd your teaching will become

more eective and more Christlike.

he next ew chapters will enlarge this

concept o purpose-based parenting and help

you careully consider the principles that you

want to be the basis o your parenting style. Well consider such things as the

importance o learning all you can about children, tweaking your attitude toward

Te eanest paye aighteus pesn (paent)

has geat pwe an wneulesults.

James 5:16, NL

Introduction

2 T . F . S . Y .


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Chapter 1

What Do I Want or My Children?

Although my own children are grown, the question that has shaped my parenting

through the years has been, What do I want or them? Te answer has changed as

their needs and circumstances have changed. oday, each is parenting a childone

or moreduring the frst seven years. And so, today, I ask . . .

What do I want for my children, now that theyre adults and have children of theirwn?I want them to fnd joy and ulfllment in their role as marriage partners and

parents. I want them to revel in creatively, prayerully, and successully meeting

the challenges that children bring to a persons lie. I want them to have Holy Spirit

wisdom to understand how to meet each childs individual needs within a healthy,

balanced liestyle.An thats my eam yu, t.

Yet, I realize that the task is not an easy one. Society has dealt todays young

parents a very challenging environment in which to bring up their children, flledwith land mines and booby traps that can destroy homes, disrupt amilies, and

handicap a childs potential or living the abundant lie that Jesus came to provide.

Its easy to all into harms way without warning, especially i you fnd yoursel

parenting as your parents did! Here are three traps youll want to avoid: legalism,

control, and pain caused by violence and abuse.

rap 1:

LegalismEquating Good Behavior With Godliness

Peoplechurch members, riends, neighbors, grandparentstend to judge

children by how they behave. Because you want others to think youre a good parent

and your kids are good kids, its tempting to set high standards or your childrens

behavior based on other peoples expectations or other peoples perception o whatis good, rather than on your ultimate purpose or their lives and what motivates

your childrens hearts.

Te result is that children begin to eel that their behavior is more important

than their attitude or their motives. Principle-based decisions y out the window.

Wrong and right become black and white issues depending upon who is the


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authority at the momentor who is watching. Shades o gray dont exist whenchildren must unquestionably ollow man-made standards that may not have a clear

moral or rational basis. Te children are not allowed to make moral decisions based

on principles and learn rom consequences.

When children live with legalism, they pick up the subtle, and sometimes not

so subtle message that they are only loved, accepted, or rewarded when they act

good. I kids only eel loved and accepted when they march to the tune o their

parents, its easy or them to eel God accepts them the same way. Be goodor getzapped! No wonder legalism is oen the basis o childrens rejecting religion. Just

like throwing the baby out with the bath water, they throw God out o their lives

along with restrictive religion.

Children are loved by the God o the universe just because they are, not because

o what they do. God wants them to be human beings, not human ings. Parents

orget that they stand in the place o God in their little childrens eyes. Over the

growing years, i children eel their acceptance by their parents and other signifcantpeople in their lives is perormance-based, then they eel that Gods acceptance must

be the same. I they stay in the church, they tend to think their salvation is based on

works. Once this happens, say goodbye to grace! And without grace, there is little,

i any, joy in the Lord. rying to be good enough to be saved is hard workactually

its impossible! And everyone loses.

A likely outcome o work-based salvation is that as children grow older, they

may swing to the opposite extreme and give up all standardsincluding Gods

commands that are principle-based. In rebellion, they march to their own tune.

What do I want for my children, now that theyre adults and have children of their

wn?I want my childrens homes to be grace-based. I want them to have a dynamic

relationship with the God o the universe and be so flled up with His love that it

splashes out on everyone they come in contact withespecially their children on

days when everything seems to go wrong. And i or some reason it doesnt, I wantthem to lean on Gods grace, asking Him to cover their mistakes so it wont aect

their kids. I want my children to model or their children a picture o God who loves

them or just beingand not or ing!And i my kids are having trouble with this

concept because at times they have perceived some legalistic tendencies in their dad

or me . . . L, please give us.



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Here are some examples o how to apply grace.Youre in a hurry, and your child asks or help. You stop, bend down, and help

without a word o criticism or rustration.

Your two-year-old loves to help you eed the

fsh. One evening she brings the fsh ood to you

and asks, Daddy, eed fsh? You say, I already

ed the fsh. Disappointed, she goes away. wice

more that evening she asks, Feed the fsh? Andyou reply, Not now. he next morning, you

discover that she has gotten up during the night

and dumped hal o the fsh ood rom the container into the fsh tank. What a mess!

Now you have to clean out the tank and pray that the fsh will live. Youre upset at your

daughter, but you also realize she didnt know that too much ood would kill the fsh.

And you le the fsh ood beside the tank, in easy reach o a curious toddler. Instead o

punishing her, you acknowledge that she thought she was helping you by eeding thefsh. You say, You really wanted to eed the fsh, didnt you? But i they eat too much,

they will die. Tats why Daddy or Mommy needs to help you eed the fsh. omorrow,

Ill call you when its time. You then put the fsh ood in a sae place.

Heres another example: Your child does something wrong, such as hitting

a playmate. You didnt see what happened, but when you ask why the playmate

is crying, your child conesses and says, Im sorry. He knows he deserves a

consequence. Instead, you say, Hitting someone hurts them, and God says we

need to be kind. What do you think Jesus would have done when His riend grabbed

a toy away rom Him? What could you do next time so you dont have to hit?

ogether you come up with a plan, and then give your child a hug, and he happily

rejoins his playmates. I it happens again, then thats another story. (Tere must be

consequences.) But even then your response can be grace-based. Troughout this

book, youll fnd many creative, grace-based techniques to teach children the lessonsthey need to learn.

Anytime you treat a child in the way she needs to be treated, rather than how

she deserves to be treated, thats grace!

Legalism focuses on punishing bad behavior to get perfection. Grace goes for the

heatshaping attitues an mtivesan behavi llws.

Principle 1

o understand Gods grace,children must experienceparental grace.

What Do I Want For My Children?Chapter 1


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rap 2: External ControlUsing Force to Make Your Family

Look Good or Be Good

Because parents out-size, out-smart, and

at times out-shout children, they can easily all

into the trap o using orce, either physical or

mental, to get kids to do what they want them

to do. Tese are parents who make decisions

based on their own needs, not on the needs o

their children. Tey bribe, righten, threaten, or

physically coerce.

Some people eel important when they belittle

others; they eel superior by making others eel

inerior and eel powerul by making others weak.

We call these people control reaks.

Controlling is a trap parents can easily all

into i they base their own value as a parent

on the behavior o their children.

Others have the mistaken belie that the role o

good parents is to control their children. Tetruth is that parents should control situations,

not their children. Instead o controlling,

consider your parenting responsibility as

that o molding or shaping your childrens

thoughts and behavior.

Many parents grew up in homes where their

own parents misused anger to righten theminto submission. I this is the only model o

parenting they know, they pass on to their

children the abuse they suered at the hands

o their parents, thinking its what kids need

in order to get them to obey.

I youre thinking,I dont bribe,frighten, threaten, or physically

coerce, ask yoursel, Where in my childs

life do I have a tendency to

bribe

(Would it be in the grocery store to stop atantrum?)

threaten

(Have I ever threatened a spanking to get

my child to sit still in church?)

righten

(Have I ever said, Im going to stop the car

and drop you kids o i you dont be quiet!)

physically coerce

(When I am rushing to get a child dressed

or a wiggling baby diapered, do my actions

become coercive?)

Ten consider: What could I do inthese challenging situations that would

change my childs behavior without

compromising the ultimate purpose

I want for my children?



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Children who arent allowed to make age-appropriate decisions and experiencethe natural consequences o those decisions, seldom become mature decision-

makers. Instead, they use the same tactics on their children. Tey orce them to

comply to make themselves look better, to eel powerul, to get their own way, or

because theyre impatient. Tis kind o external control is abusive.

Eective parenting is built on the rock o decisiveness, not on the sand o

indecision. Strong, gentle parents need to be in control of situations but not controlling

of their children. Te key point is that parents must be living examples o frm, lovingleadership. Tey must create an environment where their childrens needs are met,

including the need or expression and choice. But at the same time, misbehavior

must be prevented or corrected. Ten appropriate behavior must be taught without

resorting to anger or orce. Tats what gives children a sense o security and trust

in others that allows them to become responsible decision-makers.

An Example of How to Be in Control but Not Controlling

eaching a c Saety

When children are small, you hold their hand when crossing the street because

they dont understand the concept o saety and are too immature to consistently

ollow instructions without a reminder. I they dont want to hold your hand,you give them a choice: Either hold my hand, or Ill pick you up and carry you.

You can choose. I they still dont want to hold your hand, carry them across the

street. (Obviously, you start teaching this lesson when they are small.)

As they get older and begin to understand tra c saety (the importance o

looking both ways and walking rather than running), you still cross the street

with them in case they need a reminder, and to be a reinorcing example.

Aer many experiences crossing the street together, observing that they arecareully looking both ways, you have confdence in their ability to make wise

decisions. Tey have demonstrated that they understand tra c saety: When

they come to a street, looking both ways has become a habit pattern, so you

allow them to cross on their own.



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Sometimes it may seem that your child will never learn. You have to repeat thecorrect behavior over and over again. But will you still be holding your childs hand

when he crosses the street at sixteen years o age? I dont think so! Children do learn.

You are capable o teaching your young children important lessons that will become

sae, mature habit patterns or them in the uture.

As children grow more mature and demonstrate the same type o sel-control

they see in their parents lives, parents are able to allow their children more choices.

Parents will be there to monitor, advise, and enorce consequences i necessary; buttheir main role is to oster maturity. Maturity is the process o shiing rom other-

control to sel-control; it is taking responsible control o your own lie. Maturity is

the goal that strong, gentle parents have or themselves and or their children. And

its primarily taught through example.

During the growing years, anytime parental control becomes orceul, and anger

or ear are used to get obedience, parents cause a negative reaction in their children.

Children either fght or withdrawall in an attempt to win some measure o controlin their own lives. Raising children, then, becomes a battle, and conict the norm.

What do I want for my children, now that theyre adults and have children of

thei wn?I wish or them the security o knowing who they are because o Christs

value o them, so they can be ready to give their children choices when appropriate,

and to stand strong with principled decisions when necessary. I want them to eel

the reedom o Christs love and to give the same to their children. Plus, I want

my children to eel secure enough in my love (and their dads) that they are ree to

make decisions that are good or themselves. I want them to be able to design their

own lives without guilt and without the ear o

rejection.And, once again, I want this same thing

yu!

So, i youre parenting young children and

have not yet shed the shackles o your own parentscontrol, your children are in danger o growing up

with the same control issues that you have. Please,

or your childrens sake, talk to your parents,

resolve the control issues that you might have, and grow mature and secure in Christ,

who loves you just because o who you areand not because o what you do.1

Principle 2

When possible, give children

the reedom to make a choice.

1 A helpul book to start the emotional healing process is Belnging, by Nancy and Ron Rockey withKay Kuzma (Pacifc Press, 1998).



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rap 3: Pain Caused by Violence and AbuseBelieving Tat Its OK to Mistreat People

In recent years there has been a dramatic increase in the harsh mistreatment o

others among the young: school violence, gang beatings, and drive-by shootings.

Are you concerned that teens abuse their peers and sexually molest children just

because they eel like it? Why are so many choosing to solve problems by killing

others or themselves? Did you know that every feen seconds in the United States awoman is beatenusually by a member o her own amily or her partner? And more

than three million children in America are at risk o exposure to parental violence.

Whats happening to our society? No longer do children ear the nuclear bomb, an

earthquake, tsunami, hurricane, tornado, or even abandonment, nearly as much as

they ear violencethe harsh mistreatment o others. We live in a scary world!

What has caused this increase o violence and abuse? Why are so many people

hurting other people? Our sinul world is at war:terrorism, genocide, hatred, and hunger have le

their impact. Te consumption o alcohol and

illegal drugs and the increase o violent acts seen

on television, music videos, and video games are

partially to blame. But theres more. Te act is

that abuse begets abuse. And unless verbal and

physical violence in amilies is stopped, it will end

up destroying us.

What do I want for my children, now that

theyre adults and have children of their own?I want

my childrens hearts to break as they see the misery

o so many peopleand in their small corner o

the world, make a dierence. I want my children to be sound moral citizens who arestrong enough to stand or justice and mercy and to help people who are suering.

But I want them to do it by example, persuasion, and sharing the good news o the

gospel, rather than using tactics that produce ear, anger, and rebellion. I want them

to be among a new generation o parents who will make a dierence in the lives o

their children by speaking out against those who mistreat others. I want the young

Get i all bitteness,age, ange, hash ws,

an slane, as well as all types malicius behavi. Instea,

be kin t each the, teneheate, giving ne anthe,

just as G thugh Chist hasgiven yu.

Ephesians 4:31, 32, NL



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parents o today to take a stand against domestic violence and the harsh treatmento children. I want the cycle o abuse to stop with this generation!

Finally, what I want my ganchilen?I it were possible, I would wish

or a strong yet gentler environment or my grandchildren to grow up within; an

environment in which each person, regardless

o social status, race, age, religion, or liestyle, is

treated with respect, served with kindness, and

given a helping hand when needed. And whenthey see their parents becoming unselishly

involved with others, trying to better their

lives in some way, I want them to think o

Christ helping the down and out, the diseased, the starving, and the rejected

people o His day, and say, Tats just like my mom and dad!

Have your children seen you helping others? With whom could you share a ray

o sunshine? Maybe an elderly neighbor would enjoy some mu ns. Do your kidssee you go out o your way to stop and politely give directions to the lost or to help

fx a at tire? Do you take your children to a hospital or nursing home to visit the

sick or lonely? Do they see you oering someone your place in the check-out line

when they have only a ew items and your cart is ull? When you call your parents,

do they overhear thoughtul, considerate, loving words? Do you patiently stop what

youre doing when your child asks or your help or the zillionth time? I hope your

children are seeing Jesus in you.My desire or you, dear parents, as you take this frst-seven-year journey with

your children, is that you will be strong, gentle parents; parents with the strength

o character to hold frm to values, avoid thoughtless abusive behavior, and parent

with justice, mercy, and unconditional love. Legalism, control, violence, and abuse

may always be a part o this sinul world in which we live, but they dont have to

be part o your amilys lie. You can parent to the glory o God. How? As Rick

Warren suggests in Te Pupse-Diven Lie, By doing everything as i you were

doing it or Jesus and by carrying on a continual conversation with him while you

do it (67).

Principle 3

People (including children) areor helping, not mistreating.



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Principles to Apply to Your Family

Principle 1

unestan Gs gace, chilen must expeience paental gace.

How can I apply this principle within my amily?

What outcome might I expect?

Principle 2

When pssible, give chilen the eem t make a chice.



Principle 3

Peple (incluing chilen) ae helping, nt misteating.




first 7 years

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