First Free

PremaritalCounseling

BuildingGospel-Centered

Marriages

CONTENTS

Introduction

Book List

Lesson 1 God’s Purpose and Design in Marriage

Lesson 2 Communication and Conflict in Marriage

Lesson 3 Gender Roles in Marriage

Lesson 4 Money in Marriage

Lesson 5 Growing Relationally and Spiritually in Marriage

Lesson 6 Intimacy in Marriage

Additional Resources

Wedding Resources Sample Order of Service

Scripture Passages

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How to Use Premarital CurriculumINTRODUCTIONWALKING THROUGH THE CURRICULUM AS A COUPLEThis curriculum is not designed to follow a ridged immoveable format. You can work through this curriculum on your own or together as a couple. But, if you decide to work through the lessons individually we ask that you discuss together as a couple your answers, insights, and questions before you meet with a pastor.

Biblical FoundationsThe first part of each lesson is the biblical foundations section. The biblical foundations section is simply a list of verses related to the title of the lesson. Your job for this section is to look up, read, and meditate on these verses in order to find out their significance for and relation to marriage.

Reflection QuestionsNext, there are three reflection questions to answer based off your findings in the passages of Scripture. The questions are broad and general so that you don’t have to feel constrained in your observations of the verses. But, in order to serve your premarital counselor best, please be as thorough as possible in your answers so that your counselor can get a grasp of your understanding of the topic and the texts.

Reading & VideoThe second part of each lesson is the Reading & Video section. Each lesson will have a few chapters of assigned reading for you as a couple to complete before your scheduled meeting. The videos are available on RightNow Media. Also, some lessons have separate readings for men and women, so don’t feel inclined to read more than what is assigned to you but at the same time don’t hesitate if you’re up to the challenge.

Reflection QuestionsAlong with the reading and video there are three reflection questions. You can fill out the reflection questions as you go along in your reading or you can fill

them out once you are finished. Again the questions are general but we ask that your answers be thorough so your premarital counselor has an adequate understanding of your insights and questions.

Additional HomeworkThis premarital packet may not be all the work you have to do. There may be additional work to go through depending on which pastor you do you premarital counseling with. For example, you may take a temperament analysis or a personality inventory assessment. Make sure you communicate with your counselor and understand any extra expectations he may have of you as a couple.

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Introduction

Why Premarital Counseling?At First Free we value marriages because the Bible values marriages. God created and inaugurated the first Wedding Ceremony when he introduced Eve to Adam (Genesis 2). So, because God values and delights in marriage we value and delight in preparing you for marriage through premarital counseling. Some people are not convinced that premarital counseling is really necessary or beneficial to them. Through this introduction to our premarital counseling program we want to give you the reasons that have convinced us that premarital counseling is both a helpful process for your engagement and a hopeful resource to producing a godly marriage.

First, premarital counseling helps couples center themselves on Christ rather than on each other. That sounds like an odd statement because shouldn’t a marriage center a couple on each other. Well the answer is yes and no. An engagement is both a delight and a danger. It’s a delight because you get to start to experience the gift of the most intimate human relationship that God has created. It’s also a danger because the closer you get to someone the more likely it is that you will start to turn that person into an idol that replaces the role of Christ in your life. At First Free our desire is to draw you closer together by centering you on Christ. The greatest closeness that a couple can experience is a closeness that is formed by being drawn closer to Christ.

Second, premarital counseling helps couples focus on preparing for a marriage rather than solely focusing on planning a ceremony. Marriage is a commitment to a life-long process of learning and growing together in Christ. A ceremony is a one day event. On the onehand, we do not want to diminish the beauty of the celebration of a wedding ceremony, but on the other hand we also do not want to hold it above the importance of preparing for marriage. At First Free we hold a high view of marriage and desire to grow strong marriages that are built upon the solid rock of Christ.

Third, we want to give couples an objective outside perspective on their relationship from an experienced godly counselor. The dating and engagement period of a relationship can have a way of blinding a couple from their own sin and shortcomings. Also, as humans we have a prideful tendency to think that we are better equipped and better prepared than we truly are. Our desire at First

Free is to work with you and for you so that you gain the proper foundation on which to build a God glorifying marriage. Without this foundation marriage will feel less like a gift from God and more like swinging at a piñata blind-folded. At First Free we desire to serve you by lending you the insights and wisdom into marriage that God has graciously granted us.

Fourth, premarital counseling helps couples gain a biblical understanding of marriage rather than a skewed cultural one. Everyone has a view on marriage, the question is whether it is biblical or not. At First Free we are unashamedly committed to the Bible and thus we are committed to a biblical view of marriage. God created marriage and gifted it to us so it is only as we understand and submit to God’s design for marriage that we will enjoy this gift to its God-intended effect.

So why premarital counseling, you ask? Well because Christ is too precious to center your marriage on anything but him and premarital counseling is a means to center your relationship on Christ. Because heading into the most intimate human relationship you will ever experience is too dangerous and premarital counseling is a means for preparing you for marriage. Because remaining “blinded by love” to your own sins and shortcomings is too costly and premarital counseling is a means to give you a helpful pair of eyes to examine your pride. Because the cultural air of marital misconceptions that we breathe are too toxic and premarital counseling is a means to correcting misconceptions of marriage and supplanting them with biblical ones. It is because of these glorious benefits of premarital counseling that it would be our joy to pursue your joy in marriage.

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These books are used throughout this curriculum. Not every book is read in its entirety. You may purchase them

on your own or check them out from the church library.

BOOK LIST

Family WorshipJoel Beeke

Feminine AppealCarolyn Mahaney

Managing God’s MoneyRandy Alcorn

The Meaning of MarriageTim & Kathy Keller

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Love that Lasts Gary and Betsy Ricucci

This Momentary MarriageJohn Piper

Peacemaking for FamiliesKen Sande and Tom Raabe

Sex, Romance, and the Glory of GodC.J. Mahaney

What’s the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the BibleJohn Piper

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BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS

Biblical Texts

Reflection Questions

Genesis 2:18-25Malachi 2:13-16Ephesians 5:22-33

1. What unique insights does each of these texts make to a biblical understanding of God’s purpose and design in marriage?

2. What questions about God’s purpose for marriage do you have for your marriage counselor after going over these texts?

3. At this moment how would you briefly articulate God’s purpose for marriage?

Lesson 1

God’s Purpose & Design in Marriage

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READING & VIDEO

Reading

This Momentary Marriage by John Piper• Ch. 1: Staying Married Is Not Mainly About

Staying in Love• Ch. 3: God’s Showcase of Covenant-Keeping

GraceThe Meaning of Marriage by Tim & Kathy Keller

• Ch. 3: The Essence of Marriage

Art of Marriage • Small Group Series Session 1, “Love Hap-

pens”(23 minutes)

1. What unique insights does this article / message give you into God’s purpose and design for marriage?

Video Study

Reflection Questions

2. What type of practical impact should the truths of this article / message have on your current engagement and upcoming marriage?

3. Was there anything from the article / message that you are finding hard to agree with or need explained more fully?

Lesson 1: God’s Purpose & Design in Marriage

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BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS

Biblical Texts

CommunicationJames 3:2-12Ephesians 4:29-321 Peter 2:21-25James 1:19-21

ConflictLuke 6:43–45James 4:1–3Colossians 3:12–17James 1:19–21

1. What unique insights does each of these texts make to a biblical understanding of the role of communication and conflict in marriage?

2. Based on these texts what are principles for communicating and resolving conflict biblically?

3. What questions about communication and conflict in marriage do you have for your marriage counselor?

Reflection Questions

Lesson 2

Communication & Conflict in Marriage

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READING & VIDEO

Reading

Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande and Tom Raabe

• Ch. 1: Marriage Means Conflict• Ch. 2: Getting to the Heart of Conflict• Ch. 3: A Biblical Framework for Peacemaking

Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci• Ch. 5: Grace to Those Who Hear: The Content

of our Communication

Reflection Questions

1. What unique insights does this article / message give you into God’s purpose and design for marriage?

Lesson 2: Communication & Conflict in Marriage

Art of Marriage • Small Group Series Session 2, “Love Fades”

(27 minutes)

Video Study

2. What type of practical impact should the truths of this article / message have on your current engagement and upcoming marriage?

3. Was there anything from the article / message that you are finding hard to agree with or need explained more fully?

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BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS

Biblical Texts

ManhoodEphesians 5:22-331 Timothy 3:1-71 Peter 3:7Titus 2:1-2

WomanhoodEphesians 5:22-33Titus 2:3-51 Peter 3:1-6Proverbs 31:10-31

1. What unique insights does each of these texts make to a biblical understanding of the roles of a husband and wife in marriage?

2. Based on these texts what character qualities define a godly man and a godly woman in marriage?

3. What questions about God’s design for gender roles in marriage do you have for your marriage counselor?

Reflection Questions

Lesson 3

Gender Roles in Marriage

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READING & VIDEO

Reading

Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci• Ch. 2: Leading with Love: The Role of the

Husband• Ch. 3: Walking in Wisdom: The Role of the

WifeWhat’s the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible by John Piper

• Ch. 2: The Meaning of Masculinity• Ch. 3: The Meaning of Femininity

Reflection Questions

1. What unique insights does this article / message give you into God’s purpose and design for marriage?

Lesson 3: Gender Roles in Marriage

2. What type of practical impact should the truths of this article / message have on your current engagement and upcoming marriage?

3. Was there anything from the article / message that you are finding hard to agree with or need explained more fully?Art of Marriage

• Small Group Series Session 3, “Love Dances”(26 minutes)

Video Study

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BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS

Biblical Texts

Stewardship1 Chronicles 29:11Matthew 25:14-30

SavingProverbs 13:22, 17:2, 21:201 Timothy 5:8

Giving1 John 3:172 Corinthians 8:1-9

MaterialismProverbs 11:4Mark 8:36-37Luke 12:151 Timothy 6:17

1. What unique insights does each of these texts make to a biblical understanding of the role of finances and stewardship in marriage?

2. Based on these texts what practices and principles should be implemented in your marriage and what practices and principles should be guarded against in your marriage?

3. What questions about finances and stewardship in marriage do you have for your marriage counselor?

Reflection Questions

Lesson 4

Money in Marriage

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READING & VIDEO

Reading

Managing God’s Money by Randy Alcorn• Read relevant chapters

The Treasure Principle by Randy Alcorn• Session 1, “The Treasure of Giving”

(17 minutes)

Video Study

Reflection Questions

1. What unique insights does this article / message give you into God’s purpose and design for marriage?

Lesson 4: Money in Marriage

2. What type of practical impact should the truths of this article / message have on your current engagement and upcoming marriage?

3. Was there anything from the article / message that you are finding hard to agree with or need explained more fully?

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BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS

Biblical Texts

Growing SpirituallyPsalm 1Psalm 119:9-11James 1:22-25Hebrews 4:16

Growing RelationallyJohn 13:34Galatians 5:13Ephesians 4:321 Thessalonians 5:11

1. Based off the first group of texts what practices are necessary to have in a marriage in order to grow spiritually?

2. Based off the second group of texts what practices are necessary to have in a marriage in order to grow relationally?

3. What questions about growing spiritually and relationally in marriage do you have for your marriage counselor?

Reflection Questions

Lesson 5

Pursuing One Another in Marriage

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READING & VIDEO

Reading

Practicing the Spiritual Disciplines Together (Includ-ed in this packet)Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God by C.J. Mahaney

• Ch. 4: How to Make it all Happen: Seven Surefire Ways to Kindle Romance

Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney• Ch. 2: The Delight of Loving My Husband

Family Worship by Joel Beeke

Reflection Questions

1. What unique insights does this article / message give you into God’s purpose and design for marriage?

Lesson 5: Pursuing One Another in Marriage

2. What type of practical impact should the truths of this article / message have on your current engagement and upcoming marriage?

3. Was there anything from the article / message that you are finding hard to agree with or need explained more fully?

Art of Marriage • Small Group Series Session 4, “Love Inter-

rupted”(27 minutes)

Video Study

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Practicing the Spiritual Disciplines Together

Lesson 5: Pursuing One Another in Marriage

ARTICLE

THE IMPORTANCE OF GROWING TOGETHER SPIRITUALLYOur desire at First Free is to build strong Christ-centered marriages that glorify God. Every relationship and mar-riage is centered on someone or something. Some rela-tionships are centered on physical intimacy in the hope that it will produce lasting pleasure. Some relationships are centered on money in the hopes that it will produce lasting security. Some relationships are centered on the other spouse hoping that it will produce lasting happi-ness. All of these relationships, centered on something other than Christ, will never be able to produce what they are aiming at because only Christ is a savior glo-rious enough, sovereign enough, and loving enough to produce everlasting pleasure, security, and happiness. We want your marriage to be a marriage of worship that is centered on Christ rather than a marriage of idols cen-tered on things other than Christ. Therefore, this article is aimed at giving couples practical pointers on how to practice some spiritual disciplines together as a means of centering couples on Christ and producing marriages that worship Christ.

The Husband’s Role in Spiritual Growth: Pastor with EarnestnessIn God’s good design and providential care he has or-dained that the husband be the loving and sacrificial leader of the wife and this includes the area of spiritual growth. Husbands are called to love the wife as Christ loved the church and how did Christ love the church? Ephesians 5:25-26 says that “he gave himself up for her,” meaning that the husband should love his wife sacrifi-cially, and Christ did this “that he might sanctify her,” meaning that the husband should love his wife in a way that grows her spiritually. This is a massive responsibil-ity that Christ has given to the husband. Not only is the husband responsible for his own spiritual growth, he is also responsible for the growth of his wife. In a way the husband is called to pastor his wife with earnestness be-cause of the serious nature of this task. Therefore, future husbands, when it comes to the area of spiritual growth you are to lovingly take the lead and pursue your growth and the growth of your wife.

The Wife’s Role in Spiritual Growth: Participate with EncouragementAlthough in God’s design the wife is not called to be the leader in the area of spiritual growth, God has not called her to be passive either. Instead God has ordained that the wife be a partner, a helper, and a participant in pursu-ing spiritual growth with her husband. The best way that the wife can fulfill her God given role to help and love her husband is by graciously following her husband’s lead when he does lead, encouraging him to lead when he doesn’t, and thanking him for centering the relation-ship on Christ if he does.

THE PRACTICE OF GROWING TOGETHER SPIRITUALLYLet me first preface what is to follow by saying that these practical tips are not commands to obey but rather sim-ple suggestions to help spur you on in your growth in Christ as husband and wife. Do not let these suggestions constrain your pursuit of the practice of the spiritual disciplines but rather let them be kindling for creatively pursuing growth together in your relationship.

GETTING INTO GOD’S WORD TOGETHERSet a Bible Reading Plan TogetherPick a Bible Reading Plan and a time to read through the selected readings together that works well for both of you. As you read take some time to talk through what the text means, how it applies, or even what questions you have about a certain passage.

Memorize Scripture TogetherPick a passage to memorize together each week or choose a large portion of Scripture that you eventually want to memorize and write it on a note card so that you can review it throughout each day. Another option is to have a dry-erase board somewhere in the house where you keep up the weekly memory verse, so you are both reminded of it. Review the memory verse together at a meal and share any insights you have gained from mem-orizing the verse.

LEARNING GOD’S WORD TOGETHERRead Through a Christian Book TogetherGod has gifted us with brains so that we can love him with all of our mind. One way we can apply this in mar-riage is to exercise our minds by reading and learning to-gether. As a couple you could decide together on a book to read through on marriage, the Gospel, practical Chris-

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tian living, you name it. Again pick a time and a place that will work for both of you and tackle a couple pag-es or a chapter at a time. Make sure that you are being realistic as to how consistent you can read and how much you can read. A great way to read and redeem down time would be for one spouse to read while the other cooks and the same goes for doing dishes. Or you could read together before you go to bed, if you are late night people, or you could read in the morn-ing, if you are morning people. Whatever you do pick something that is reasonable and workable.

Listen to Sermons TogetherThere is a wealth of Bible-saturated, Christ-exalting, God-centered teaching out there, and the great news is that most of it is free. Husbands, do your research and find some sermons, videos, or DVD series to have on hand to go through with your wife. When you have listened to or watched a message take some time to reflect on what you just heard by asking some basic questions:

• What new/interesting/exciting things have we learned?

• What challenged us in the message?• How can we seek by God’s grace to apply this

message?

You could also do the same thing with your pastor’s sermon from the previous Sunday. Take time, prefer-ably earlier in the week to reflect upon the text your pastor preached from and the message he preached and ask the same basic questions together.

PRAYING TOGETHERThis discipline has the tendency to be the most awk-ward and uncomfortable discipline to practice togeth-er as a couple. I’m convinced that the reason for this is because Satan doesn’t want to let couples get ahold of the most effective weapon in the fight against sin and the fight for growth. The spiritual discipline of pray-ing together is kind of like a train, hard to get started but nearly impossible to stop once it’s going full steam ahead. There is no mystical or magical trick to un-locking the secret power of praying together, except to bank on the grace of God and rely on the enabling power of the Holy Spirit.

Practical Ways To Implement the Spiritual Discipline of Prayer

• Ask each other what you can be praying for, for the other person. And then PRAY!

• Keep a prayer list on a 3x5 note card or in a jour-nal and prayer through some of the list together

at night or in the morning.• Pick one meal out of the week or month that you

agree to fast from and use that time to pray together.• Take praying at meal times seriously in a very joyful

sort of way!• If you run into conflict in your relationship or out-

side relationships, stop talking about it and PRAY about it!

• Read through a psalm (or any passage in the Bible) and take time to pray through it together.

• Take some time on Sunday morning before church to pray that God would prepare your hearts and feed your souls at the corporate worship service.

• Write out a prayer for your spouse and read it to them.

Whatever you do, find your unique way to go about prac-ticing it and find your way to come to the throne of grace together that you might receive mercy from Christ.

OTHER SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES TO PRACTICE TOGETHERSing Songs of Worship TogetherMen, if you are not gifted in this area please proceed with caution, but do not let your lack of musical gifting become an excuse not to sing to the God of the universe. Pick some favorite worship songs, or buy a hymnbook, or look up some lyrics/songs online and on youtube and sing togeth-er while you hold hands and worship Jesus.

Serve the Body of Christ TogetherSpiritual disciplines should not cause you to become her-mits but rather they should cause you to become glad servants of God and other people. A great way to grow to-gether is by focusing on serving others together at your local church and in your local community. Pick an area of need and interest in your local church and serve together. This list is not exhaustive so don’t feel limited by it. This was simply meant to be kindling to encourage relational Christ-centered growth in your upcoming marriage. The greatest gift that you can give each other as husband and wife is to passionately pursue Christ together. So, take these means of grace that God has given us and practice them as you pursue Christ together.

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BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS

Biblical Texts

Song of SolomonProverbs 5:15-231 Corinthians 7:3-7Hebrews 13:4

1. What unique insights does each of these texts make to a biblical understanding of the role and purpose of sexual intimacy in marriage?

2. Based on these texts what practices protect and promote a healthy environment for sexual intimacy and what practices detract from and destroy a healthy environment for sexual intimacy? How do you plan to grow and guard these practices?

3. What questions about sexual intimacy in marriage do you have for your marriage counselor?

Reflection Questions

Lesson 6

Intimacy in Marriage

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READING & VIDEO

Reading

Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci• Ch. 8: Just the Two of You: The Wonder of

Sexual IntimacyThe Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller• Ch. 8: Sex and Marriage

Reflection Questions

1. What unique insights does this article / message give you into God’s purpose and design for marriage?

Lesson 6: Intimacy in Marriage

2. What type of practical impact should the truths of this article / message have on your current engagement and upcoming marriage?

3. Was there anything from the article / message that you are finding hard to agree with or need explained more fully?

Art of Marriage • Small Group Series Session 5, “Love Sizzles”

(21 minutes)

Video Study

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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Allender, Dan, and Tremper III Longman. God Loves Sex: An Honest Conversation about Sexual Desire and Holiness. 2014.

Bethke, Jefferson, and Alyssa Bethke. Love That Lasts: How We Discovered God’s Better Way for Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex. 2017.

Buzzard, Justin. Date Your Wife. 2012.

Chapman, Gary. Covenant Marriage: Building Communication & Intimacy. 2003.

Eggerichs, Emerson. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. 2004.

Green, Bob. Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage. 2016.

Jr, Raymond C. Ortlund, Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel. 2016.

Köstenberger, Andreas J., and David Jones. God, Marriage, and Family (Second Edition): Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation. 2010.

Köstenberger, Andreas J., and David W Jones. Marriage and the Family: Biblical Essentials. 2012.

Newheiser, Jim. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers. 2017.

Piper, John. Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. 2005.

Powlison, David, and John Yenchko. Pre-Engagement: Five Questions to Ask Yourselves. 2000.

Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. 2004.

Scott, Stuart, and John MacArthur. The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective. 2002.

Smith, Winston T. Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change through Ordinary Moments. 2010.

Thomas, Gary L. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? 2015.

Tripp, Paul David. What Did You Expect? (Redesign): Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. 2015.

Other Articles:

Desiring God: www.desiringgod.org/topics/marriageThe Gospel Coalition: www.thegospelcoalition.org/topics/marriage

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WEDDING RESOURCES

Wedding Order SampleJune 2, 2018

4:00 PM

Prelude (3:55 PM) String duet and Piano

Seating of Grandparents & Parents (4:00 PM)

Processional

Introduction and Welcome

Giving of the Bride and Groom

Worship Be Thou My Vision

Scripture Readings Ecc 4:8-12 and Rom. 12:9-13

Message

OFFICIAL CEREMONY

Exchange of Vows

Exchange of Rings

Unity Ceremony Declaration of Marriage The Big Kiss!

Benediction

Presentation of Mr. & Mrs

Recessional Postlude

Sample Order of Service

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Wedding Resources

Genesis 2:18-24 - Eve brought to Adam

Ruth 1:16-17 - Ruth’s loyalty to Naomi

Psalm 121 - “I lift up my eyes to the hills…”

Psalm 127 - “Unless the Lord builds the house…”

Psalm 128 - The blessing of a large family

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 - “Two are better than one…”

Song of Solomon 2:10-13 - The season of love

Song of Solomon 8:6-7 - “Many waters cannot quench love…”

Isaiah 61:1-4 - “…to bestow on them a crown of beauty…”

Malachi 2:15-16 - Warning not to break faith in marriage

Matthew 19:4-6 - Jesus’ restatement of Genesis 2:24

John 2:1-11 - The wedding and miracle at Cana

Romans 12:9-13 - Guidelines for loving one another

1 Corinthians 13 - The love chapter

Ephesians 5:18-33 - Paul’s teaching on marriage

Philippians 2:1-11 - Assuming the humble attitude of Christ

Colossians 3:12-14 - Qualities of Christian relationships

2 Peter 1:5-8 - “…add to your faith goodness,” etc.

1 John 4:7-12 - “Let us love one another…”

1 John 4:19 – “We love because he first loved us”

Scripture Passages