Book, music, and lyrics by Daniel Tenney

© Copyright 2016, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwright, composer, and lyricist3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

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THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN STARBLASTER

Book, Music, and Lyrics by DANIEL TENNEY

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

ANNOUNCER .......................big voice 16MARY SMITH.......................Captain Starblaster’s sidekick, a 51

“girl next door” who keeps everything running

CAPTAIN STARBLASTER ........classic swashbuckling space 60 hero; part Flash Gordon, part Captain Kirk; well-meaning but all brawn, no brains

JACOBS ..............................member of Captain Starblaster’s 10 crew

ROBERTS ............................another 19CAPTAIN MARKUS ...............trading ship captain 3JOHNS................................Starblaster crewmember 11MARTINS ............................another 11ROGERS .............................another 7GREE-TAR ...........................Mary’s sidekick; has a stuffed n/a

monkey sidekickCOLONEL CHAOS ................over-the-top villain; animated 49

and excitableGOON ONE .........................one of Chaos’s henchmen 6GOON TWO .........................another; uncertain about being 14

a henchmanGOON THREE ......................another 8GOON FOUR ........................another; always running laps 9GOON FIVE..........................another 4GOON SIX ...........................another 6GOON R ..............................replacement for Goon Seven; 7

Chaos’s new favoriteGOON SEVEN ......................another; was recently fired 8LADY D’MONICA ..................demure, intelligent villainess 23GLAXON QUEEN ..................queen of Glaxon III who likes 5

to danceCHORUS .............................as additional crew members,

Glaxonians, and royal guards

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SETTINGTime: Ten thousand years in the future.

Place: Space.

Minimal sets are needed for the various locations. A large projector screen takes up the UP CENTER area. This is the View-o-Screener that is used to communicate among various space ships. Characters will appear here via a live video projection feed from OFFSTAGE. A stool and metallic podium for the Announcer is off to one side of the FORESTAGE.

Captain Starblaster’s ship needs various control stations on casters so they can be easily moved ON and OFF.

The secret moon base has no specific requirements, other than it should look different from Captain Starblaster’s ship.

Glaxon III maybe be a bare stage or dressed to look like the surface of a strange planet.

Lady D’Monica’s palace has a throne. Again, other set decoration is optional.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: Captain Starblaster’s ship.Scene Two: Captain Chaos’s secret moon base.Scene Three: Captain Starblaster’s ship.Scene Four: The secret moon base.Scene Five: Captain Starblaster’s ship.

ACT TWOScene One: The secret moon base.Scene Two: The planet Glaxon III.Scene Three: The secret moon base.Scene Four: The floating palace of Lady D’Monica.Scene Five: The secret moon base.Scene Six: The floating palace of Lady D’Monica.

GLAXONIANS wear an eclectic colorful mish-mash of clothing and feathered Mardi Gras masks, boas, or colorful goggles.

MISCELLANEOUSInstead of wearing a communication device on his wrist, CHAOS could speak into a handheld communication device. Alternatively, something could be incorporated into the set that could amplify his voice over the sound system.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGANNOUNCER, GOONS, GLAXONIANS, and CREW, including GREE-TAR, may be played as either gender.

For a smaller cast, lines may be combined to have fewer GOONS and/or CREW MEMBERS. GOON SEVEN and CAPTAIN MARKUS may double as CHORUS, or CAPTAIN MARKUS can be a pre-recorded video. Also, ANNOUNCER can be a pre-recorded voiceover.

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

MC1 Defenders of the Galaxy ....................EnsembleMC2 How Do You Say? ..............................MaryMC3 Evil Plan ...........................................Chaos, GoonsMC3a Evil Plan-Tag ......................................ChaosMC4 An Adventure ....................................Starblaster, Mary,

CrewMC5 Crash Landing ...................................Jacobs, CrewMC6 Perfectly Evil .....................................ChaosMC7 Being a Goon ....................................Goon Two, GoonsMC8 We Dance .........................................Glaxon Queen,

GlaxoniansMC8a The Fight ..........................................InstrumentalMC9 You Will Be Mine ...............................Lady D’MonicaMC10 The Same Side .................................Goon Two, Mary,

Crew, Goons, Glaxonians

MC10a The Battle .........................................InstrumentalMC10b Defenders of the Galaxy—Reprise ......Ensemble

“Pow” and “Biff” signs (CREW, GOONS, GLAXONIANS)Box of Galaxy Flakes (GOON FOUR)

Scene Four:Orb of Power (CHAOS)Hypno-Crystal (LADY D’MONICA)

Scene Five:Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)

Scene Six:Hypno-Crystal (LADY D’MONICA)Phone (GOON R)Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Rope (STARBLASTER, MARY)

PROP AND SET NOTESThe Orb of Power, the Zap-o-Matic, and the Hypno-Crystal all may be any sort of invention made to look space-age. The only requirements are that the orb be some sort of orb-shaped device and the Zap-o-Matic be about the size of a person since Chaos dances with it. A sound effect for each device adds to the fun.

The ANNOUNER’S stool and podium remain on the FORESTAGE throughout the entire production.

The View-O-Screener remains ONSTAGE throughout the production.

Have fun dressing up the sets as desired for the various locations. Keep in mind, however, that scene changes need to be very quick. A fast pace is critical to maintain the humor of a spoof and should not be sacrificed for a more detailed set design.

SOUND EFFECTSPulse.

COSTUMESCAPTAIN STARBLASTER wears a leather jacket and an old-fashioned

aviator’s hat.GREE-TAR wears an alien mask.COLONEL CHAOS wears a militaristic uniform and a watch that is a

communication device.LADY D’MONICA dresses in lots of red and black, with a long flowing

cape and a high collar.The CREW wears futuristic-looking uniforms with reflective material.GOONS wears ski masks and matching black costumes with large

identifying numbers on their chests.

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THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN STARBLASTER

PROLOGUEAT RISE: ANNOUNCER is at the podium. Captain Starblaster’s CREW is ONSTAGE in TABLEAU. MUSIC CUE 1: “Defenders of the Galaxy.”ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) Ten thousand years in the future, the

galaxy stands in peril. Hostile aliens, sinister thugs, and strange forces seem to lurk at every turn. But one man stands between the galaxy and those who would do it harm. That man is… Captain Starblaster!

CREW: (Sings.) Flying through the galaxy at the speed of light!Flying through the galaxy and fighting for the right!If there’s trouble on some planet, you know where we will be.Yes, we’ll be there! Defenders of the galaxy!

ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) And here’s our hero now, Captain Starblaster!STARBLASTER: (ENTERS, sings.)

Flying through the galaxy with my fearless crew.Flying through the galaxy doing things that heroes do!

MARY: (Sings.) Leading with an iron will.ROBERTS: (Sings.) And a brain the size of a pea!CREW: (Sings.) It’s Captain Starblaster, defender of the galaxy!ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) Captain Starblaster is assisted by his

sidekick, Mary Smith. (She crosses to stand next to STARBLASTER.) And Mary’s sidekick is Gree-tar, the alien. (GREE-TAR, carrying Bob the stuffed monkey, crosses to stand next to MARY.) And Gree-tar’s sidekick is Bob! (GREE-TAR makes Bob wave to the AUDIENCE.) Like Captain Starblaster always says, you know you’re something special when your sidekick’s sidekick has a sidekick of their own! But there are those who would do the galaxy harm. That’s right. I’m talking about bad guys!

CHAOS: (ENTERS, sings.) Yes! It is I, Colonel Chaos here!And it’s clear you should all be feeling lots of fear!If you have a twisted mind, then you’ll be cheering me!I’m Colonel Chaos, the villain of the galaxy!

ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) And now, a word from our sponsor, the choice of galactic defenders everywhere, Galaxy Flakes! (A CREWMEMBER pulls out a box of Galaxy Flakes. ANOTHER pulls out a bowl with a spoon.)

CREW: (Sings.) Galaxy Flakes, oh, Galaxy Flakes,Such love we have inside!With eight essential vitamins,

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

ACT ONEEntire Play: Projector screen, metallic podium, stool.Scene One: Spaceship control panels, Orb of Power.Scene Three: Spaceship control stations.Scene Five: Spaceship control stations.

ACT TWOScene One: Orb of Power, Bob the stuffed monkey (in chains).Scene Three: Table, playing cards, Bob the stuffed monkey (in chains).Scene Four: Throne.Scene Six: Throne, Orb of Power.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONPrologue:

Box of Galaxy Flakes, bowl, spoon (CREW)Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)

ACT ONEScene One:

Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Scene Three:

Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Scene Four:

Zap-o-Matic, chains (GOONS)Orb of Power (STARBLSATER)Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Box of Galaxy Flakes (GOON FOUR)

ACT TWOScene One:

Chains (STARBLASTER)Zap-o-Matic (GOONS)

Scene Two:Spears (GLAXONIANS)

Scene Three:Deck of cards (GOONS)Whistle (MARY)

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You’ve been fortified!Galaxy Flakes, oh, Galaxy Flakes!Tastes so good to me!The sugar-coated part of this complete breakfast,We praise and raise a bowl to thee! (CREW MEMBERS raise the box of Galaxy Flakes and the bowl up in adoration and then quickly put them away.)

ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) But there’s more to the galaxy than just tasty breakfast cereal! Like these aliens! (GLAXONIANS ENTER.) Or these clearly numbered goons! (GOONS ENTER.) Or… this lady!

LADY D’MONICA: (ENTERS, sings.) I’m a very important characterWith important things to do.But you won’t even get to see meUntil we get to Act Two!

ALL: (Sing.) Act Two!Now we think that we should get on with the show!We know that you’re busy folks, got places you can go.We think that it will be fun, and we hope that you agree.So here we go, defenders of the galax—Start the show, defenders of the galax—Got your dough! Defenders of the galaxy! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

ACT ONEScene One

LIGHTS UP on Captain Starblaster’s ship. STARBLASTER oversees his CREW as they operate the controls. The Orb of Power is on one of the control panels. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.)MARY: Captain, we’re picking up a distress signal.STARBLASTER: A distress signal, you say?MARY: Um, yes. A distress signal I say.STARBLASTER: Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Jacobs, what do

you think?JACOBS: I think that we should put it on the View-o-Screener, Captain.STARBLASTER: No, no, far too easy. That’s what it wants us to do.ROBERTS: What do we do, sir?STARBLASTER: We need options!MARY: Uh, Captain Starblaster, it’s a distress signal.STARBLASTER: So they say. But what do we do with it?JACOBS: We could always put it on the View-o-Screener.STARBLASTER: Put it on the View-o-Screener! Brilliant, Jacobs,

Brilliant! Make it so!

STARBLASTER: Well, we continue onward! All of us, together, on a Trek Through the Stars… a Star Journey! No, no, a Star Voyage! No, no, Star Travel…

MARY: I don’t care what we call it.GOON R: Just as long as we’ve got enough Galaxy Flakes! (MUSIC CUE

10b: Defenders of the Galaxy—Reprise.”)ALL: (Sing.) Flying through the galaxy, all together now!

Flying through the galaxy and about to take a bow.If you didn’t like the show, well, at least now you’re free!So don’t be slow! Defenders of the galax—Time to go! Defenders of the galax—No more show! Defenders of the galaxy! (MUSIC OUT. CURTAIN.)

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JACOBS: Yes, sir.MARKUS: (APPEARS on the View-o-Screener.) This is Captain Markus

of the trading ship Star-Rocket IV. It appears we’ve wandered into a strange energy field, and now we’re stuck. We’d be much obliged for a tow out. (View-o-Screener FADES OUT.)

STARBLASTER: A ship in distress! Battle stations! Batten down the hatches! Full speed ahead! No holds barred!

JACOBS: And tow them out?STARBLASTER: Yes, yes, of course.ROBERTS: Well, we’re about half an hour from their position. I’ll lay in

a course now.STARBLASTER: Wonderful! Just enough time for me to hit the old

Bow-Flex Home Gym! Mary, Gray-Tar, you two are in charge until I get back. (GREE-TAR appears confused. “Who me?” Looks at Bob the stuffed monkey, confused.) And be sure you keep the Orb of Power in sight at all times. It’s very important.

MARY: Yes, sir. It’s Gree-Tar, sir. His name is Gree-Tar.STARBLASTER: Right. You and Gree-Tag are in charge. (EXITS. MARY

looks at GREE-TAR and sighs.)ROBERTS: (Looks at the Orb of Power.) What do you suppose it does?ROGERS: I’ve heard it’s a weapon that can destroy the galaxy!JOHNS: I’ve heard it’s a power source that can power the galaxy!MARTINS: I’ve heard it makes Galaxy Flakes.JACOBS: Whatever. So, Mary, are you finally going to go through with

it this time?ROGERS: Go through with what?ROBERTS: Mary is in love with the captain.ALL: Oooh!ROBERTS: So after we deliver the Orb to the President of Earth, are

you going to tell the captain how you feel?MARY: I don’t know, Roberts. I just, I just… (MUSIC CUE 2: “How Do

You Say?” Sings.) How do you say, “I love you”?How do you say, “You’re great”?How do you say, “You’re wonderful”When you’re thirteen years too late?How do you tell someone thank youFor all of the time you shared?Say the words you want to say,Let them know you’ve always caredWhen you’re so scared?

STARBLASTER: Don’t install the toolbar! Do not install the toolbar!MARY: It’s asking me if I want to register now or later.STARBLASTER: (Frustrated.) Just select “Later” and then click

on “Go.”MARY: I think it’s working! It’s working!STARBLASTER: Quickly, point the Orb at me and hold on tight! (LIGHTS

FLASH. EVERYBODY lurches LEFT and RIGHT then FREEZES, except for MARY and STARBLASTER.)

MARY: What happened?STARBLASTER: The Orb of Power can stop time. But we’ve got to

move quickly—the effect doesn’t last for long! Come untie me! Now let’s give these two a taste of their own medicine. I’ll get Chaos, and you tie up D’Monica! (Goes to tie up CHAOS.)

MARY: (Moves to do the same to D’MONICA, then turns back to STARBLASTER.) Captain, wait!

STARBLASTER: What is it?MARY: Well, it’s just… I love you, Captain Starblaster.STARBLASTER: Oh, Mary. I already know.MARY: You knew? Did Roberts tell you?STARBLASTER: No, no, nothing like that. Ever since that day in the

Squishy Squamps of Squagulon, I guess I’ve just known. And I love you, too.

MARY: Captain Starblaster!STARBLASTER: But there will be time for that later. Quickly, before the

Orb’s effect fades! (They grab some rope from OFFSTAGE and tie up CHAOS and D’MONICA just as ALL UNFREEZE.)

D’MONICA: Wha… what happened!MARY: What happened! We won! (ALL cheer, including GOON R.)GOON R: (Continues cheering after EVERYBODY stops.) We won, we

won, we…! (Stopped by the odd looks from the OTHERS.) What, you weren’t going to let me be on your team?

STARBLASTER: Of course you can be on our team. You all can!MARTINS: What about them? (Refers to the bound CHAOS

and D’MONICA.)STARBLASTER: I think we’ll put them into an escape pod and launch

them into space. That should give them time to… get acquainted. (EVERYONE gives him a strange look, and he answers in a loud whisper.) He likes her! (EVERYONE answers with “Oh, okay,” etc.)

ROBERTS: But what about us?

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How do you say?How do you take a best friendAnd make him something more?How do you turn life on its headFrom the way it was before?How do you get the guts upTo let go of all your fears?How do you say what you’ve wanted to sayEvery day for thirteen years,Through secret tears?How do you say?How do you just turn back the clock?Another chance to say, “It’s nice to meet you.”How do you stumble through the shock?But with years of status quoAnd with nowhere you can go,It’s too much to risk, too much that you don’t know!But how can I say it’s over?How could I say goodbye?I can’t just walk away from this,So at least I’m going to try!I’ll say what I’ve always wanted,The things that I want to hide,The secret that I’ve kept too long,And the words I have inside.Let go of pride.Let him decide.If I’m denied,At least I tried.How do you say? (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. COLONEL CHAOS operates the equipment.ANNOUNCER: But all is not quite as it seems. Colonel Chaos, the

arch-nemesis of Captain Starblaster, waits in his secret moon base, hatching a plan that can only be described as… evil!

CHAOS: Yes, yes, yes! Everything is going exactly according to plan. My plan. My evil plan. (Pushes a button on his watch and speaks

CHAOS: Well, my good friend R here has volunteered to watch the prisoner for you so he doesn’t snap out of the trance into which you have so expertly put him.

D’MONICA: (Pulls out the Hypno-Crystal.) Snap out of the trance? Snap out of the trance? Poor, ignorant Colonel Chaos. My Hypno-Crystal is so advanced, so effective, it would take something truly significant and completely unexpected to break the dear Captain Starblaster from his trance. Something like… something like…

MARY: (From OFFSTAGE.) We’re coming for you, Captain Starblaster!STARBLASTER: (UNFREEZES.) Huh? Is that you, Mary?D’MONICA: Something like that!MARY: (ENTERS, flanked by GREE-TAR, the CREW, GLAXONIANS, and

GOONS. GREE-TAR has Bob.) Did somebody call for something truly significant and completely unexpected?

STARBLASTER: Mary! I can’t believe you came!MARY: You didn’t think we’d leave you behind, did you?GOON R: So, wait, whose side are we on now? Did I miss another

voicemail? Because my reception’s been really bad out here. (Checks phone.)

D’MONICA: So, you’ve come to rescue my sweet little butterscotch pie, have you? Well, no matter! Soon you can all be together… as my slaves! (MUSIC CUE 10a: “The Battle.” Starts zapping in all directions with the Hypno-Crystal.)

STARBLASTER: Quick, everybody, take cover! (ALL dive for cover as LADY D’MONICA keeps on zapping.) Mary, you’ve got to activate the Orb of Power!

MARY: Somebody’s going to have to get that Orb! (GREE-TAR sets Bob down and brings a fist to its chest.) Think you can do it, Gree-Tar? (GREE-TAR nods in agreement, then does some fancy gymnastic/ninja moves to get across the room and recover the Orb of Power before tossing it back to MARY.) Okay, now what?

STARBLASTER: Press the button on the side!MARY: Okay, now what?STARBLASTER: Okay, click on “Orb Activation Sequence,” and select

“Activate Orb of Power.” The go to “File” and “Start Sequence.”MARY: Okay, it’s asking if I agree to the terms and conditions…STARBLASTER: Yeah, just click yes to that.MARY: I don’t need to read all this?STARBLASTER: No!MARY: Okay, now it’s prompting me to install the “Ask” toolbar—

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into it. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) All goons report to the main deck of the secret moon base! All goons report to the main deck of the secret moon base! (GOONS, except GOON SEVEN, scramble IN from all sides to form a line, each saluting in turn.)

GOON ONE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON TWO: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON THREE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON FOUR: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON FIVE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON SIX: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON R: What’s your name again? I want to say, “Alan.”CHAOS: Ah, yes, R. Dear, sweet R. Goons, I want you to meet our

newest member, Goon R. (GOONS looks nervously at the new GOON.) Go on, say hello. (GOONS start introducing themselves, welcoming him, etc.) Enough with the helloing! R, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself.

GOON R: (Nervous, like the first day at school.) Um, well, okay. Um, hi, everybody, uh, my name is R… but I guess you already know that. Um, I’m a first-time goon. When I was little, I always thought I’d be a chef, but then in high school I started to get into being a henchman, but I was never sure what I wanted to do with it, exactly… Um, but now I’m really excited to be here and be a goon! Oh, and I like solving Sudoku!

CHAOS: Yes, very nice.GOON FOUR: Um, Colonel Chaos, sir?CHAOS: Yes, Four?GOON FOUR: Um, what happened to Seven?CHAOS: He is no longer with the team! (GOON FOUR reacts nervously.)

Why? Is there a problem?GOON FOUR: No, sir!CHAOS: No problem? (GOON FOUR shakes his head.) No? Are you

sure? Because it looks like you have a problem. No? No? Not even a little one? A little itty-bitty problem? So just to clarify, there is no problem. (Suddenly angry. Yells.) I think there is a problem, and I don’t like problems or people who have them! Give me fifty laps around the secret moon base! Go! (GOON FOUR starts running.) Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I called you all here to explain what’s going on. As you all know, before an evil plan goes into effect, someone must explain it in slow and excruciating detail. So, when I heard that my arch-nemesis, the unbelievably infuriating

MARY: (Speaks.) I love chocolate!CREW: (Sings.) You? And me! GOONS: (Sing.) You guys and us!

It might work out, who knows? So why make all the fuss?We’ll simply have to try it andthen see how it goes. We know useful stuff.We wouldn’t choose you, That might be enough. but we can use you, We’re trying, not lyingSo that’s worth something. To be someone.We’re on a mission, we’ve got ambition, so try not We could be, we would be to hide.We’ll make it happen all Lots of fun! We could be together on the same side! on the same side!We’ll do it all together now! We could be on the,

ALL: (Sing.) On the same side! (GOON FOUR ENTERS, runs across and is stopped by the OTHERS to join in.)On the same side! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Five

ACT TWOScene Six

LIGHTS UP on the floating palace of Lady D’Monica. STARBLASTER is still bound and frozen in a hypnotic trance. The Orb of Power sits nearby.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, back at the floating palace of Lady

D’Monica… things are basically where we left them last time.D’MONICA: (ENTERS.) And how’s my little Captain Starblaster doing?

My little chocolate sprinkle? My little banana sundae? My little cream puff?

STARBLASTER: (UNFREEZES just a bit.) Duhhhhh…D’MONICA: Yes, that’s right.CHAOS: (ENTERS with GOON R.) A very good afternoon to you, Lady

D’Monica! My master! My liege! My… well, you know the rest.D’MONICA: (Looks back at him, irritated.) Yes, what do you need?GOON R: Go on, ask her!CHAOS: Enough with the helping! (To D’MONICA.) I was wondering

if you would care to join me for a stroll along the gardens later this evening?

D’MONICA: Can’t you see I’m busy?

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Captain Starblaster, was in this region of space, I knew he had to be stopped!

GOON THREE: Stopped from what?CHAOS: Just wait. Let me finish, okay? Save your questions ’til

the end. So, when I learned Captain Starblaster was coming, I disabled a small trading vessel as bait for him. That goody-two-shoes can’t resist helping some defenseless stranger in the middle of nowhere.

GOON SEVEN: (ENTERS.) Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late. My alarm didn’t go off, and then my key didn’t work.

CHAOS: (Aside.) Ooh, this is awkward. (To GOON SEVEN.) Seven, hey! Did you, uh, not get my email?

GOON SEVEN: Email? No.CHAOS: And the message I left on your machine, you didn’t get that

either, huh? Ah, well, I’m sorry it has to come out like this, but we’ve decided to go in a different direction.

GOON SEVEN: Wait, what do you mean?CHAOS: Um, you’re fired.GOON SEVEN: Fired! But what about my job?CHAOS: We have R to do that now. (GOON R waves.)GOON SEVEN: Are you serious?CHAOS: I’m afraid so, Seven, but you’re a great guy, really, and I’m

sure that you’ll land on your feet, so—GOON SEVEN: I can’t believe this! (EXITS, angry.)CHAOS: Have a nice day! (Turns to the other GOONS.) Now, where was

I? (Ad-lib, GOONS all try to help him remember different things he was saying.) Enough with the remembering! We have disabled a small trading vessel as bait for Captain Starblaster! When that troublesome do-gooder tries to help, we shall use our tractor beam to pull him into our secret moon base and capture him once and for all! (GOONS celebrate.) Enough with the happiness! I’m not finished! We have discovered that Captain Starblaster is taking something very special to the President of Earth—the Orb of Power! (GOONS gasp, ooh, and ahhh.) Yes, and we have been commanded to take it and deliver it and Starblaster to the wonderful, amazing, beautiful… Lady D’Monica. (Says this last bit lovingly and stares off into space for a bit, then snaps out of it.) Now, now you can ask questions, okay?

GOON R: (Raises his hand.) Um, just one, really, and I know I’m new here, and everything, but does it all have to be laid out so

MARY: No, no, there will be no tying or eating or spaghetti gladiators. We came here to rescue the captain, and that’s what we’re going to do. But how?

GOON TWO: If I may be permitted, to, uh, speak?GLAXON QUEEN: I’ll eat this one first. (MARY gives the QUEEN a look,

and she backs away.)GOON TWO: (Nervous.) Well, uh, you see, we’ve been talking, and um,

Colonel Chaos isn’t that great to us, you know? I mean, we work these long hours, and the pay’s not that great, and we have to bring our own masks, and there’s no dental, and… well, anyway, we thought that maybe we could team up with you guys?

MARY: Team up? With us?GOON TWO: Well, yeah, we know a lot about bad guys, having been,

uh, former bad guys ourselves, so maybe we could be a big help in getting Captain What’s-his-name back. (MUSIC CUE 10: “The Same Side.”)

MARY: (Speaks.) Starblaster.GOON TWO: (Speaks.) Yeah, him.MARY: (Sings.) Me and you?

That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard!It’s simply inconceivable and far too absurd!We’re in a mess here, as you can guess here.It’s complicated.Don’t be mistaken, we won’t be takin’You for a ride.There’s simply no way that we could be on the same side.There’s simply no way we could be on the same side.

GOON TWO: (Sings.) You guys and us!So why make all the fuss?We know useful stuff.That might be enough.We’re trying—not lying—To be someone.We could be, we would be lots of fun!We could be on the same side.We could be on the—On the same side!

MARY: (Sings.) But then again, there are things in lifeThat you don’t think should go together, but they do.

GOON TWO: (Sings.) Like peanut butter and chocolate,That could be me and you!

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strictly? Couldn’t we kind of make it up as we go, or do a little evil improv? Does there always have to be an evil plan? (Other GOONS look horrified.)

GOON TWO: There’s always an evil plan!GOON SIX: We have evil plans for doing laundry…GOON ONE: Or making waffles…CHAOS: Or everything! (MUSIC CUE 3: “Evil Plan.” Sings.)

You’ve got to have an evil planTo let you know just what to do.The more complex and intricate,The better it is for you!We know the odds aren’t with us now,So we’ll have fun while we can.We work and toil and sweat all day,Because of our evil plan.You’ve got to have an evil plan.

VARIOUS GOONS: ([NOTE: These lines can be assigned as solos or sung all together.] Sing.) It’s the reason we exist!What good is there in being good?I love being an antagonist!We know we’ll never be popular.And we never get the girl!

CHAOS: (Sings.) But that’s not going to stop us, friends,From trying to take over the world!There’s no Batman without the Joker.Have you ever thought of that?And where would Inspector Gadget beWithout Dr. Claw and his cat?

VARIOUS GOONS: ([Again, distributed to various GOONS as desired.] Speak.) Without the Wicked Witch of the West,Dorothy would still be in bed!And how would Superman spend his daysIf Lex Luthor was dead?(Sing.) Even Frodo and his hobbit friendsNeeded Sauron.And Luke Skywalker would be awful boredIf Darth Vader was gone.Without a Dr. No,James Bond wouldn’t even care.

And all the underhanded things that I will do.I’ll use my power to take over ev’ry thought.There’s no use trying to resist. You’re surely caught!That helplessness that you now feel is part of my design.You will be mine!Why bother with the mess of being married?Why trouble with the fuss of being wed?Why date around and try to find Mr. Right?Why marry a man when you can simply hypnotize him instead?Your mind will be like putty. Thoughts will be like clay.You’ll hang on every single word that I might say.You’ll live to love me, and you’ll live to humbly serve.You’ll finally treat me in a way that I deserve!Your mind is Disneyland, and I’ve the only pass.Your mind is fine French wine, and I’ve the only glass.My evil and your good combined,There’s no escaping from this bind!Your eyes will see, but you’ll be blind!You will be mine! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Four

ACT TWOScene Five

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. The GOONS, except FOUR, are still surrounded by the GLAXONIANS and CREW.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, back at the secret moon base, our heroes

find themselves facing a thorny problem.ROBERTS: What do we do now?MARTINS: We can’t just give up!JOHNS: But the floating palace of Lady D’Monica! You guys are crazy

if you think we can get in there!ROBERTS: But what about the Orb of Power?ROGERS: What about Captain Starblaster?JACOBS: (Referring to the GOONS.) What about them?ROBERTS: We could just tie them up and leave them.JOHNS: We could lock them in a closet.GLAXON QUEEN: We could eat them.MARTINS: (Excited.) We could dress them up in little red capes

with green hats and make them fight each other with spaghetti whips! (EVERYONE gives him a weird look.) Hey, we’re just brainstorming here!

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CHAOS: (Speaks.)And what would all of the screaming residents of Japan doWithout Godzilla there?(Sings.) And so you see, an evil planIs essential for me and you!It’s not a question of good or bad.It’s just what we do!It’s in the dreams of ev’ry childAnd in the heart of ev’ry manTo somehow, someday, come what may,Have their very own evil plan!

GOONS: (Sing.) Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have an evil plan! (The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have an evil plan!Ah! Ah!

CHAOS: (Sings.) You’ve got to have an evil planTo let you know just what to do.The more complex and intricate,The better it is for you. (The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

GOONS: (Sing.) Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have an evil plan!Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

CHAOS: (Sings.) It’s in the dreams of ev’ry childAnd in the heart of ev’ry manTo somehow, someday, come what may,Have their very own special, super-fantastic,Wonderful, marvelous evil plan! (MUSIC becomes a rousing gospel vamp. GOONS sing “Oh, you’ve got to have a—” over and over, while VARIOUS GOONS and CHAOS sing ad-lib. Finally, MUSIC OUT as COLONEL CHAOS shouts.) Enough with the gospel! (DIRECT SEGUE MUSIC CUE 3a: “Evil Plan-Tag.” Sings.)You’ve got to have an evil plan. (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

CHAOS: Shall we kill the infuriating hero?D’MONICA: What? Kill him? No, of course not! Leave him with me.CHAOS: Ah, you will torture him for information.D’MONICA: Something like that.CHAOS: Well, is there anything else I can do for you? (Flirtatious.)

Anything? Anything at all?D’MONICA: No, leave us alone.CHAOS: There’s nothing you need? Nothing, really?D’MONICA: Go!CHAOS: (To GOON R.) Come on. We’ll get you that ice cream cone I

promised you. (GOON R smiles, and they EXIT.)D’MONICA: (To the ROYAL GUARDS.) Leave us! (Hands the Orb of

Power to one of the ROYAL GUARDS. ROYAL GUARDS EXIT. During STARBLASTER’S speech, D’MONICA arises from her throne with the Hypno-Crystal.)

STARBLASTER: Well, Lady D’Monica, I thought you had more sense than that old badger. He never got me to talk, and neither will you! I won’t tell you the secret of the Orb of Power! You won’t even get my mother’s maiden name! So do your worst! Attack me with Volnarian slugs! Put Greblian salt in my eyes! Throw me in a vat of acid eels from Too-Mar! Leave me in— (She zaps him with the Hypno-Crystal mid-sentence. SOUND EFFECT: PULSE. STARBLASTER is stunned and stops ranting.) Duuuuhhhhhhhh… (FREEZES, now under D’MONICA’S control.)

D’MONICA: Ah, my dear, dear Captain Starblaster. With my new Hypno-Crystal, I have no need to torture you at all. A few hours of this, and you’d tell me your deepest, darkest secrets without even thinking. But you thought it was the Orb of Power I was after. No, Captain Starblaster. It was you… (MUSIC CUE 9: “You Will Be Mine.” Sings.)I’ve always been the one who’s always run the show.Manipulation is an art. Believe me, I should know.But with each passing year, I know that I beginTo feel a growing need, a need I feel within.I need someone to rule with, someone by my side.Someone who’s powerful, in whom I can confide.But as you know these days, good help is very hard to find.You will be mine!I finally realized that with my heart of stone,I’d need a hero, and I’d need him for my own.And so that brings us to the here and now and you,

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ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP on Captain Starblaster’s ship. The CREW is at the controls, and MARY and GREE-TAR observe. GREE-TAR holds Bob, his stuffed monkey sidekick.ANNOUNCER: But Captain Starblaster and his fearless crew remain

clueless of the dangers they face, even while they fly right into Colonel Chaos’s trap…

STARBLASTER: (ENTERS, stretches.) Ah, just twenty minutes a day to a better body! How’s the mission going?

MARY: We almost have them free, Cap.JOHNS: (At the controls.) Just a little more… there! Captain, we’ve

freed the other ship.MARKUS: (APPEARS on the View-o-Screener.) You’ve done it! We’re

free! Captain Starblaster, you’ve really saved the day! Thank you so much!

STARBLASTER: Ah… it was nothing.MARKUS: Safe journey, Captain.STARBLASTER: And also, the same, of similar thing, to you…

journey… er, Captain. (View-o-Screener FADES OUT.) Well, that’s done. Continue to Earth!

MARY: Captain Starblaster?STARBLASTER: Yes, Mary.MARY: Can I speak to you? Alone?ROBERTS: Captain, there’s a problem. We’re being pulled in the

wrong direction!STARBLASTER: What’s that?JACOBS: We’re caught in some kind of tractor beam, Captain. We’re

being pulled toward that secret moon base.STARBLASTER: If it’s secret, how do we know about it?ROBERTS: We’re there.STARBLASTER: This calls for only one thing.MARTINS: Captain, I think if we charge the engines to full for one big

blast, we could easily escape.STARBLASTER: No! We must storm the secret moon base!MARTINS: Oh, boy.STARBLASTER: And while we’re there, we’ll turn off that pesky

tractor beam!JOHNS: So, wait. We’re caught in a tractor beam and pulled into a

secret moon base, but instead of just using our engine power to

(Poses with the box, then tosses it OFFSTAGE to return to the fight. Eventually, all of the GOONS are subdued and lie helpless. MARY points to where Bob is in chains.) Get him free! (GREE-TAR frees Bob and brings him to MARY, who strokes him.) Awww, are you okay? Bob, speak to me! (To the GOONS.) What did you do to him?

GOON SIX: Um, I’m just throwing this out there… but you are aware that he’s a stuffed monkey, right? Not an actual person.

MARY: Shut your mouth! Now, where’s Captain Starblaster? (No response. Demands.) Where is he?!

GOON THREE: I thought you said to shut our mouths!MARY: (Gets frustrated.) Ooh, just tell me what you’ve done with

the captain.GOON FIVE: He’s not here!MARY: Don’t lie to me! I got him into this mess, and I intend to get

him out!GOON TWO: No, seriously, he’s been taken to… the floating palace of

Lady D’Monica! (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP on the floating palace of Lady D’Monica. D’MONICA sits in her throne, surrounded by her ROYAL GUARDS. She admires a large crystal, the Hypno-Crystal.ANNOUNCER: That’s right, folks, the floating palace of Lady

D’Monica! Where even now, the villainess awaits the arrival of her latest capture.

ROYAL GUARD: Colonel Chaos has arrived, my lady.D’MONICA: Send him in. (ROYAL GUARDS EXIT.)CHAOS: (ENTERS with the Orb of Power and GOON R leading

STARBLASTER. ROYAL GUARDS follow him ON.) My lady! My liege! My eminence! My wonderful, astounding, beautiful leader!

D’MONICA: Yes, yes, get on with it.CHAOS: My supreme ruler! My superlative guide! Sovereign of

Significance! Momentous Monarch! Head of all things Chaos! General boss of basically everything pertaining to—

D’MONICA: Enough! (Eyes STARBLASTER.) I see you have brought me something.

CHAOS: (Thinks she means the Orb of Power.) Oh, yes, great one! I have brought you the Orb of Power! (Hands it to her.)

D’MONICA: What’s that? Oh, yes, very well done. You may go.

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break away, you’re going to sneak onto the secret moon base and turn off the tractor beam so that we can escape?

STARBLASTER: (Defensive.) Among other things.JOHNS: Doesn’t this all seem a bit… familiar? Like we’ve seen this

all before?STARBLASTER: No matter! Mary, as my sidekick, I’ll need you by my

side, to… kick. And you’ll need Geeb-Tar, of course. And Geeb-Tar will need Blob! (GREE-TAR shakes head and does a face palm, and operates Bob the stuffed monkey to do the same.)

MARY: Gree-Tar. And Bob.STARBLASTER: Right. And we mustn’t let the Orb of Power be put into

danger. So I’ll take it with us! And we’ll need one more… Roberts! You’re with us!

ROBERTS: Oh, no.STARBLASTER: Roberts, come along.ROBERTS: I see where this is going. (Points to each of them in turn.)

Main character, main character, main character, main… (Indicates Bob.) …something or other. (Points to himself.) Then me. Random other crew member! Hello! One member of the mission has to be eaten by the alien, or killed by the bad guy, or sucked into the interspatial vortex just to show everyone how serious the situation is, and it’s sure as heck never one of you all! So you take along some random crewmember as the whipping boy of the plot!

STARBLASTER: But it would be… an adventure! (MUSIC CUE 4: “An Adventure.” Sings.) When your heart is racing fast as sound,And you know something’s happening, and it’s something profound,And you might just die, but you don’t give a hoot…You could find true love or get thrown jail.You could eat a sandwich or get eaten by a snail.But you’ll get the glory, and you’ll get the fame to boot.When you hear your heart telling you what to do,An adventure calls to you!

MARY: (Sings.) Taking on the dragons, one by one,Not determined to win but just to have fun.An adventure’s there, and it’s calling out your name.You’ll be okay if you’re with friends,And you’re going to be thanking me before this ends,And you’ll get the glory, and also get the fame.When you hear your heart telling you what to do,An adventure calls to you!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.)Dance. We dance! We dance! We dance!

GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)Yes, we dance, we dance, we—Yes, we dance, we dance, we—Yes, we dance, we dance, we dance! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. GOONS sit around a table, playing cards. GOON SEVEN stands nearby. GOON FOUR is not ONSTAGE. Bob the stuffed monkey is nearby, still in chains.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, back at the secret moon base, our friendly

neighborhood goons are chilling… like villains, oddly enough.GOON SEVEN: (Begs.) Please?!GOON FIVE: Look, Seven, you probably shouldn’t even be here.GOON ONE: Got any fours?GOON TWO: Go fish.GOON SEVEN: But will you at least talk to him?GOON THREE: I’ll talk to him. But he really likes R here.GOON ONE: It’s probably his great complexion. (GOON SEVEN

storms OFF.)GOON SIX: It’s awfully quiet. It seems like we’re just waiting for—

(MARY, GREE-TAR, and the CREW jump ONSTAGE.)MARY: A surprise attack!GOON TWO: Ready for another beating, huh? Well, this is what

goons are best at! (As, they start to advance on the CREW, GOON FOUR ENTERS.)

GOON FOUR: Thirty-eight… (EXITS the other side of the stage.)MARY: Not so fast! (MUSIC CUE 8a: “The Fight—Instrumental.” MARY

blows a whistle, and the GLAXONIANS ENTER from the other side, surrounding the GOONS. A choreographed fight scene ensues, complete with “Pow” and “Biff” signs à la the original Batman TV series. Partway through the fight, MARY walks DOWN CENTER and addresses the AUDIENCE.) You know, folks, when I’m fighting goons to save the man I love, I sure can work up an appetite.

GOON FOUR: (Runs ON and hands MARY a box of Galaxy Flakes.) Thirty-nine… (EXITS opposite.)

MARY: But nothing quite satisfies like a big bowl of Galaxy Flakes! Galaxy Flakes—the choice of repressed sidekicks everywhere!

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ROBERTS: (Speaks.) Attacks, snails, sandwiches?(Sings.) This isn’t what I signed up for!So run along. I’m sure you’ll feel fulfilled.And my mother always told meTo say no to adventures,At least the kind that tend to get you killed!I guess you’re either crazy, or you’re wrong,But since there’s nothing better to do, I’ll come along!

STARBLASTER: (Shouts.) Hooray!ALL: (Sing.) So we’re off to heed adventure’s call.

We’ll storm that moon base once and for all!Going to look that future square in the eye.There are things to make you stop and stare,

MARTINS: (Speaks.) Even aliens with funny hair!ALL: (Sing.) Going to do it all and try not to die.

When you hear your heart telling you what to do, (The following lyrics are split into two groups.) An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base.ANNOUNCER: Thus, Captain Starblaster, Mary, Gree-Tar, Bob, and a

very reluctant Crewmember Roberts find themselves inside the secret moon base, with no idea of what is to come.

STARBLASTER: (ENTERS, followed IN by MARY, ROBERTS, and GREE-TAR, who carries Bob, the stuffed monkey. STARBLASTER carries the Orb of Power.) And we must stay quiet! Stealth is of the essence! (Proceeds to do a very poor job of running around and hiding.)

MARY: And it’s amazing how this secret moon base doesn’t resemble our ship at all! (CHAOS and the GOONS, except GOON FOUR and GOON SEVEN, ENTER. The GOONS are holding a large weapon-like object, clearly labeled “Zap-o-Matic.” [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])

CHAOS: Ah, Captain Starblaster! I was wondering when you were going to make your appearance!

GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)

We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!ALL: (Sing.) As you clearly see, we kind of like to dance!GLAXON QUEEN: (Sings.) We will always do the cha-cha

When you play “La Cucaracha!”And we cancan even when we’re not in France.We can waltz with great panacheOr break down and start to mosh!If you haven’t noticed yet, we like to dance!

ALL: (Sing.) Just when you think that it’s ovah’,We will start our bossa novaFor we like to strut and frolic, even prance!When we start our pop and locking,Folks join in or they start walking.So the thing that you should learn is that we dance!Here we break dance every day,Do the twist, YMCA,And we Cabbage Patch at each and every chance!We can jive or minuet,But you ain’t seen nothing yet,‘Cause we’ve still got more to go here as we dance!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)

We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)

We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!ALL: (Sing.) As you clearly see, we kind of like to dance!GLAXON QUEEN: (Sings.) We do kick lines like a pro.

Where we learned, we’ll never know.And we kick so high, we almost split our pants!Though it’s really quite a pain-a,We can do the Macarena! (GLAXONS sing “Ahs” under the following.)

So just break out of your trance,Bring your mom or your friend Lance,Kick your heels up, let your hair down, now’s your chance!We dance!

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STARBLASTER: Colonel Chaos! My old nemesis! I knew you had to be behind this plan. No one else could be as evil and underhanded.

CHAOS: Evil and underhanded? Using a tractor beam to trap your ship, that’s evil and underhanded? Maybe if I had fed you all to the Torillian Ants, that would be evil and underhanded, but this…?

STARBLASTER: Well, I, uh, just knew it was you!CHAOS: And I’m the only villain with a secret moon base. Galaxia

has that downtown office, and Zaltar and the Space Pirates are working from home, now. So of course it was me!

STARBLASTER: That’s what I was saying—GOON FOUR: (Runs ON and wheezes as he crosses the stage.) Three…

(EXITS the other side.)CHAOS: Enough with the talking. (To GOONS.) Get them! Zap them

with the Zap-o-Matic! (GOONS point the weapon. STARBLASTER and his CREW take cover. In the action, GREE-TAR loses track of Bob, and the GOONS stash the stuffed monkey out of sight.)

STARBLASTER: Roberts!ROBERTS: I know, I know. Time for me to try to get that tractor-thing

disabled and get shot in the process.STARBLASTER: Precisely!ROBERTS: (Gets up to make a move and is immediately Zap-o-Maticked

within an inch of his life. In pain.) I tried!CHAOS: Enough with the shooting! Starblaster! Give us the Orb of

Power, and we might let your little friends go!STARBLASTER: Never!CHAOS: All right, then, you leave me no choice! (To GOONS.) Bring

out the prisoner! (GOONS reveal their prisoner. It’s Bob, the stuffed monkey.)

MARY: Captain, no! They’ve got Bob! (GREE-TAR is visibly upset.)CHAOS: You really should keep better track of your crew, Starblaster.STARBLASTER: Don’t worry, Mary. I’ll get him free. Colonel Chaos,

prepare to get served! (Jumps up, and the LIGHTS BLACKOUT. There is the sound of a scuffle. LIGHTS UP to reveal STARBLASTER and Bob in chains side-by-side, with CHAOS holding the Orb of Power.) Well, that didn’t go so well.

CHAOS: We have the orb! Finish them! Finish them! Again with the shooting! (GOONS begin shooting again. GOONS continue to fight UPSTAGE with MARY, ROBERTS, and GREE-TAR as CHAOS makes his way DOWN CENTER. To the AUDIENCE.) You know, folks, when I am carrying out an evil plan to capture the defender of the galaxy, I can get hungry.

MARY: We’re not dead! (GLAXONIANS ENTER, yelling and waving strange-looking spears. They surround the CREW and hold them at spear point.)

JOHNS: Told you we were dead.MARY: (Steps forward.) Um, hey… uh, hey there. How ya doing today?

Great place you got here, ya know? I’ve been thinking about getting myself a summer home here on, uh… (Looks to ROBERT for help.)

ROBERTS: Glaxon III!MARY: Glaxon III. Oh, and the weather here—! (She is cut off by

spear waving.)GLAXON QUEEN: Who… are… you?!MARY: Us? We’re just kind of, uh, passing by, you know… well, crashing

by, really, but it wasn’t our fault, you see, Captain Starblaster— Have you heard of him? Well, that’s okay. Maybe it’s better if you haven’t. Anyway, there was this Orb of Power, and then Colonel Chaos, he had this evil plan, and…

GLAXON QUEEN: Do… you… dance?MARY: Dance?GLAXONIANS: Dance!MARY: Uh, sure. We like to dance. Do you?GLAXON QUEEN: Do we dance? Do we dance? (MUSIC CUE 8: “We

Dance.” Speaks in rhythm.) From our earliest recollection,Glaxonians have had affectionFor the thing that caused our culture to advance.I’m not speaking here of fireOr the skills that we acquire, no!I am speaking now, of course, about… our… dance!(Sings.) If you want the hokey pokey,We will tell you okey dokey.We can tango if you want to find romance.Two-step, mambo, bunny hop,Once we start, we never stop!So the answer to your question is, we dance!We can tap, and we can swing,We can do most anything,And we’ll do it all without a second glance.Running man and boogaloo,Disco, modern, we’re not through!As you clearly see, we kind of like to dance!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!

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GOON FOUR: (Runs ON and hands CHAOS a box of Galaxy Flakes. Wheezes as he crosses the stage.) Four… (EXITS the other side.)

CHAOS: And nothing hits the spot like a big bowl of Galaxy Flakes. Galaxy Flakes—the choice of evil villains everywhere! (Poses, showcasing the cereal box. Then, quickly tosses the box OFF and returns to the GOONS.) Kill them!

STARBLASTER: Mary, save yourselves! Run!MARY: What do we do?ROBERTS: You heard the man, we run! (ROBERTS, MARY, and GREE-

TAR run OFF. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP on Captain Starblaster’s ship, immediately following. JOHNS, MARTINS, JACOBS, and ROGERS are at their stations.ANNOUNCER: And run they did! The three slightly less than fearless

heroes hightail it back to the ship. (MARY, GREE-TAR, and ROBERTS run ON.)

MARY: Charge the engines and get us out of here!JOHNS: Where’s the captain?MARTINS: And where’s Bob?MARY: No time! We have to go! (ALL lurch as the ship breaks free.

MARY collapses into a chair, crying.)JACOBS: Mary, what happened? Where are the captain and Bob?MARY: Chaos has them. He’s got the Orb of Power, too.ROGERS: You left them behind?MARY: I had no choice! (Quieter, to herself.) Or did I?ROGERS: Well, we have to go back for them!MARY: We will, we will! Just let me figure out a plan.MARTINS: Oh, look at that pretty little planet! So cute there in the

distance. Actually, it’s not so small, really kind of a medium-sized planet… Now it’s even bigger. Hey, guys, is that planet supposed to be growing at an increasingly alarming rate?

JACOBS: It’s not getting bigger. We’re getting closer! We’re going to crash! (MUSIC CUE 5: “Crash Landing.”)

MARY: (Sings.) Gotta stop,Gotta think,Gotta take control!Gotta beSomeone else,

GOON TWO: (Sings.)Have to live in a secret base on some secret moon.

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo wop.Whoa! Ah! Ah!

GOON TWO: (Sings.) Not very fun.I wish I was doneBeing a goon.

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Being a goon.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Being a goon.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Being a goon.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Being a goon. (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP on the surface of the planet Glaxon III.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, Mary, having crash-landed the ship, now finds

herself on a strange alien world, a planet shrouded in mystery… (MARY, GREE-TAR, and the CREW creep ONSTAGE cautiously.)

MARTINS: Where… where are we?ROGERS: It’s the uncharted zone. This is Glaxon III, but nobody knows

anything about it. It’s a planet shrouded in mystery… (ALL look at him, angry, then give a start when they hear a STRANGE NOISE from OFF.)

JOHNS: What was that?ROGERS: I’m scared! I’ve never been on an alien planet before!ROBERTS: If the captain were here, he’d know what to do.MARTINS: If the captain were here, he’d go charging right ahead.ROBERTS: At least he’d be doing something!JACOBS: If the captain were here—MARY: The captain’s not here! We’re all alone. We left him behind. I

left him behind.JOHNS: Aw, Mary, you can’t blame yourself.MARTINS: It wasn’t your fault.MARY: That’s enough. We all just need to take a deep breath and

figure out where we are and how to get off of this rock. And hope we see the captain again. (Suddenly YELLS are heard OFFSTAGE.)

JOHNS: That’s it. We’re dead!

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Gotta play the role!I just need a quick breather, just need a quick break,But there’s no way that’s happening with so much at stake!And there’s no way to get out of paying for your mistake!

ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) It’s looking unavoidable.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) What else can you do?ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Life is unpredictable!CREW: (Sings.) Ah!MARY: (Sings.) But with the future that just happens

To be a planet rushing in on you. A…ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the best that you can do. (Speaks.) Switch

the polarity and give me full reverse on those engines!(Sings.) Never thought,Never tried,Never been the one in charge!Never be,Never me,And that planet’s looking large!And you can’t help but notice all eyes are on you.And they’re watching and waiting—if they only knew!And they’re all counting on someone to somehow get them through!

ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Yeah, things are looking pretty tough.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) What else can you do?ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) You’re not sure if you’re good enough.CREW: (Sings.) Ah!MARY: (Sings.) But this might not be the best time

To examine all your doubt. A…ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only way left out!

How do you take control when everything goes to extremes?It’s not only the ship that’s crashing, but your life and hopes and dreams! (CREW sings “Ahs” under.)

GOON TWO: (Sings.) Have to dress the same.No one knows your name.Being a goon.

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Being a goon!GOON TWO: (Sings.) Could’ve been a decorator,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo bee doo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Made someone’s house look great.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo wop wop wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Could’ve been an accountant,

Shoo bee doo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Add the one and carry the eight!OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo wop wop wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Could’ve been a music teacher,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo bee doo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Helping kids make pretty sound,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo bee doo wop shoo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.)

But I guess an evil genius needs his goons around!GOON FIVE: (Speaks in a super-low, 1950s doo-wop bass voice.)

Baby, I know I’m a goon.I wear this mask and do goony things,But I still love you, and I always will!

GOON TWO: (Sings.) It’s not very fun…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) To be seen with the bad guy,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) You feel like a fool…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Ah!GOON TWO: (Sings.) When he’s yelling at you.

Have to do what you’re told.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

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Everything is going wrong. It just hasn’t been your day.And you’ve lost your only chance to say the things you wanted to say!

ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Try to just forget the shame.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) And now you’re alone!ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) You only have yourself to blame.CREW: (Sings.) Ah!MARY: (Sings.) And then you realize exactly what you are

And what you’re not. A…ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only choice you’ve got.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only choice you’ve got.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only choice you’ve got.CREW: (Sings.) Crash landing! Crash landing! (MUSIC OUT.)ANNOUNCER: (NOTE: If presented without an intermission, this

announcement can be modified or eliminated.) Will Mary make it to safety? Will Captain Starblaster save the day? Will we ever find out who Lady D’Monica is? What about the Orb of Power? What about Bob? Be sure to tune in after the break for the exciting conclusion to The Adventures of Captain Starblaster! (BLACKOUT.)

End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. GOONS, except GOONS R and FOUR, are ONSTAGE with the Zap-o-Matic, guarding the Orb of Power and watching over STARBLASTER and Bob, who are still tied up.ANNOUNCER: When we last saw our hero, he was a prisoner of

the evil Colonel Chaos. Meanwhile, Mary finds herself at the helm of Captain Starblaster’s ship, using some innovative flight techniques. Meanwhile, back at the secret moon base, our hero watches helplessly as the goons ogle the Orb of Power…

GOONS: Ogle! Ogle! Ogle!GOON SIX: Do you think we should try and activate it?

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STARBLASTER, leaving Bob tied up.) And as for the rest of you… (Points to each GOON in turn.) You’re too dumb! You’re too smart! You’re too lazy!

GOON FOUR: (ENTERS, wheezes as he crosses the stage.) Twenty-one…CHAOS: (To GOON FOUR.) You’re too slow! (GOON FOUR EXITS opposite

side. Back to other GOONS.) You’re too boring! And you… you I just don’t like! If you don’t all shape up soon… (Makes “CHHHT” noise while dragging a finger across his neck. EXITS.)

GOON THREE: Man, Colonel Chaos has been in rare form lately.GOON FIVE: It’s that Lady D’Monica. He’s head over heels for her.GOON TWO: But even before her, things weren’t so great around here.

I mean, being a goon isn’t the easiest life we could’ve chosen. (MUSIC CUE 7: “Being a Goon.” Sings.) Being a goon,It’s not very easy.Being a goon,It’s really quite hard.Taking abuseFrom some evil genius mastermind buffoon.Working all dayFor too little pay.Being a goon.It’s hard to get dates…

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

GOON TWO: (Sings.) …when you’re wearing a mask.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Ev’ryone hates…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) …the nameless henchman.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Ah!GOON TWO: (Sings.) No one ever calls…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) …just to say, “Hey, let’s go get Chinese food.”OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo wop!

Whoa! Ah! Ah!

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GOON THREE: There’s a little button right here.GOON TWO: Don’t touch it! Are you crazy? They say this thing has more

power than a supernova! We don’t know what it can do. I wouldn’t let anybody touch it unless they were a completely useless moron! (GOON R ENTERS, singing to himself.) Hey, R! Come do us a favor and turn this thing on, will ya? (GOON R moves to do so.)

CHAOS: (ENTERS.) Enough with the touching! You moronic idiots! You idiotic morons! That is too dangerous to be touching. At least until we have extracted the necessary information from Captain Starblaster, here.

STARBLASTER: Try your best, Chaos! You’ll never get me to talk!CHAOS: You think so, huh?STARBLASTER: Yes.CHAOS: Oh, yeah?STARBLASTER: Yes.CHAOS: For really realsies?STARBLASTER: Um, yes.CHAOS: Oh, okay. Just checking. But do you really think that your

friends will come to save you?STARBLASTER: Well, no. They’re well-meaning people, really, but

frankly… they’re not too bright.GOON THREE: We’re getting a message on the View-o-Screener!

(D’MONICA APPEARS on the View-o-Screener.)GOON TWO: It’s… it’s… her! (GOONS and CHAOS drop to their knees.)D’MONICA: Yes, it is I, the great Lady D’Monica!CHAOS: How may we serve you, my lady?D’MONICA: Quit your sniveling, Chaos. Did all go according to plan?CHAOS: Yes, my Lady. We have captured the Orb of Power!D’MONICA: And Starblaster?CHAOS: He’s here, too.D’MONICA: Wonderful. Lady D’Monica out. (View-o-Screener FADES OUT.)CHAOS: Wasn’t she… heavenly?GOON THREE: Uh, I guess so, boss.CHAOS: She’s so lovely and… perfect.GOON SIX: I think somebody’s in love!GOON ONE: Too bad she doesn’t even know he exists! (GOONS snicker

to themselves.)CHAOS: (Upset.) Enough with the snickering! (Gets sad, on the verge of

tears.) That is not funny, making fun of people like that!

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GOON TWO: Aw, we’re sorry, boss. Hey, I know what would cheer you up. The Wooble Dance? (GOONS start doing a silly dance, circling around CHAOS.) Huh? Yeah?

CHAOS: No! Enough with the cheering up! Leave me alone! (GOONS EXIT, leaving the Zap-o-Matic with CHAOS.)

STARBLASTER: You’ve got it pretty bad for the ol’ Lady D’Monica, eh?CHAOS: You have no idea!

(Speaks in rhythm.) Ever since I was a very little lad,I’ve always had a thing for girls who were bad.While others wanted looks or smarts or just plain good will,I liked girls who were a little… evil. (MUSIC CUE 6: “Perfectly Evil.” Sings.) She’s perfectly evil in every way.She’s evil all night, and she’s evil all day.She’s evil all over, and so I say,She’s perfectly evil in every way!She’s perfectly evil from her head to her toes,From her two evil eyes to her one evil nose,From her thirty-two evil teeth to her two hundred and six evil bones,She’s perfectly evil from her head to her toes.Perfectly evil!Perfectly evil!Perfectly evil, yes, she is! (The music shifts to a tango, and CHAOS dances seductively with the Zap-o-Matic.)

She’s perfectly evil, and so I adore,I worship the footprints she leaves on the floor.When others want less evil, I just want more!She’s perfectly evil, and so I adore! (MUSIC OUT.)

STARBLASTER: Well, that wasn’t weird or awkward at all. (View-o-Screener activates again and D’MONICA APPEARS.)

D’MONICA: Chaos! I have decided it is time to implement phase two of my little plan. And try not to mess it up, you bumbling fool! (View-o-Screener turns OFF.)

CHAOS: (Into his wrist microphone.) All goons report to the main deck of the secret moon base! (GOONS, except FOUR and SEVEN, ENTER.)

GOON ONE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON TWO: Colonel Chaos—CHAOS: (Cuts them off mid-way.) Enough with the saluting! You! (Points

to GOON R, then to STARBLASTER.) Bring him, and come with me! And try not to mess it up, you bumbling fool! (GOON R EXITS with

For preview only

GOON THREE: There’s a little button right here.GOON TWO: Don’t touch it! Are you crazy? They say this thing has more

power than a supernova! We don’t know what it can do. I wouldn’t let anybody touch it unless they were a completely useless moron! (GOON R ENTERS, singing to himself.) Hey, R! Come do us a favor and turn this thing on, will ya? (GOON R moves to do so.)

CHAOS: (ENTERS.) Enough with the touching! You moronic idiots! You idiotic morons! That is too dangerous to be touching. At least until we have extracted the necessary information from Captain Starblaster, here.

STARBLASTER: Try your best, Chaos! You’ll never get me to talk!CHAOS: You think so, huh?STARBLASTER: Yes.CHAOS: Oh, yeah?STARBLASTER: Yes.CHAOS: For really realsies?STARBLASTER: Um, yes.CHAOS: Oh, okay. Just checking. But do you really think that your

friends will come to save you?STARBLASTER: Well, no. They’re well-meaning people, really, but

frankly… they’re not too bright.GOON THREE: We’re getting a message on the View-o-Screener!

(D’MONICA APPEARS on the View-o-Screener.)GOON TWO: It’s… it’s… her! (GOONS and CHAOS drop to their knees.)D’MONICA: Yes, it is I, the great Lady D’Monica!CHAOS: How may we serve you, my lady?D’MONICA: Quit your sniveling, Chaos. Did all go according to plan?CHAOS: Yes, my Lady. We have captured the Orb of Power!D’MONICA: And Starblaster?CHAOS: He’s here, too.D’MONICA: Wonderful. Lady D’Monica out. (View-o-Screener FADES OUT.)CHAOS: Wasn’t she… heavenly?GOON THREE: Uh, I guess so, boss.CHAOS: She’s so lovely and… perfect.GOON SIX: I think somebody’s in love!GOON ONE: Too bad she doesn’t even know he exists! (GOONS snicker

to themselves.)CHAOS: (Upset.) Enough with the snickering! (Gets sad, on the verge of

tears.) That is not funny, making fun of people like that!

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GOON TWO: Aw, we’re sorry, boss. Hey, I know what would cheer you up. The Wooble Dance? (GOONS start doing a silly dance, circling around CHAOS.) Huh? Yeah?

CHAOS: No! Enough with the cheering up! Leave me alone! (GOONS EXIT, leaving the Zap-o-Matic with CHAOS.)

STARBLASTER: You’ve got it pretty bad for the ol’ Lady D’Monica, eh?CHAOS: You have no idea!

(Speaks in rhythm.) Ever since I was a very little lad,I’ve always had a thing for girls who were bad.While others wanted looks or smarts or just plain good will,I liked girls who were a little… evil. (MUSIC CUE 6: “Perfectly Evil.” Sings.) She’s perfectly evil in every way.She’s evil all night, and she’s evil all day.She’s evil all over, and so I say,She’s perfectly evil in every way!She’s perfectly evil from her head to her toes,From her two evil eyes to her one evil nose,From her thirty-two evil teeth to her two hundred and six evil bones,She’s perfectly evil from her head to her toes.Perfectly evil!Perfectly evil!Perfectly evil, yes, she is! (The music shifts to a tango, and CHAOS dances seductively with the Zap-o-Matic.)

She’s perfectly evil, and so I adore,I worship the footprints she leaves on the floor.When others want less evil, I just want more!She’s perfectly evil, and so I adore! (MUSIC OUT.)

STARBLASTER: Well, that wasn’t weird or awkward at all. (View-o-Screener activates again and D’MONICA APPEARS.)

D’MONICA: Chaos! I have decided it is time to implement phase two of my little plan. And try not to mess it up, you bumbling fool! (View-o-Screener turns OFF.)

CHAOS: (Into his wrist microphone.) All goons report to the main deck of the secret moon base! (GOONS, except FOUR and SEVEN, ENTER.)

GOON ONE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON TWO: Colonel Chaos—CHAOS: (Cuts them off mid-way.) Enough with the saluting! You! (Points

to GOON R, then to STARBLASTER.) Bring him, and come with me! And try not to mess it up, you bumbling fool! (GOON R EXITS with

For preview only

Everything is going wrong. It just hasn’t been your day.And you’ve lost your only chance to say the things you wanted to say!

ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Try to just forget the shame.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) And now you’re alone!ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) You only have yourself to blame.CREW: (Sings.) Ah!MARY: (Sings.) And then you realize exactly what you are

And what you’re not. A…ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only choice you’ve got.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only choice you’ve got.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only choice you’ve got.CREW: (Sings.) Crash landing! Crash landing! (MUSIC OUT.)ANNOUNCER: (NOTE: If presented without an intermission, this

announcement can be modified or eliminated.) Will Mary make it to safety? Will Captain Starblaster save the day? Will we ever find out who Lady D’Monica is? What about the Orb of Power? What about Bob? Be sure to tune in after the break for the exciting conclusion to The Adventures of Captain Starblaster! (BLACKOUT.)

End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. GOONS, except GOONS R and FOUR, are ONSTAGE with the Zap-o-Matic, guarding the Orb of Power and watching over STARBLASTER and Bob, who are still tied up.ANNOUNCER: When we last saw our hero, he was a prisoner of

the evil Colonel Chaos. Meanwhile, Mary finds herself at the helm of Captain Starblaster’s ship, using some innovative flight techniques. Meanwhile, back at the secret moon base, our hero watches helplessly as the goons ogle the Orb of Power…

GOONS: Ogle! Ogle! Ogle!GOON SIX: Do you think we should try and activate it?

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STARBLASTER, leaving Bob tied up.) And as for the rest of you… (Points to each GOON in turn.) You’re too dumb! You’re too smart! You’re too lazy!

GOON FOUR: (ENTERS, wheezes as he crosses the stage.) Twenty-one…CHAOS: (To GOON FOUR.) You’re too slow! (GOON FOUR EXITS opposite

side. Back to other GOONS.) You’re too boring! And you… you I just don’t like! If you don’t all shape up soon… (Makes “CHHHT” noise while dragging a finger across his neck. EXITS.)

GOON THREE: Man, Colonel Chaos has been in rare form lately.GOON FIVE: It’s that Lady D’Monica. He’s head over heels for her.GOON TWO: But even before her, things weren’t so great around here.

I mean, being a goon isn’t the easiest life we could’ve chosen. (MUSIC CUE 7: “Being a Goon.” Sings.) Being a goon,It’s not very easy.Being a goon,It’s really quite hard.Taking abuseFrom some evil genius mastermind buffoon.Working all dayFor too little pay.Being a goon.It’s hard to get dates…

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

GOON TWO: (Sings.) …when you’re wearing a mask.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Ev’ryone hates…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) …the nameless henchman.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Ah!GOON TWO: (Sings.) No one ever calls…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) …just to say, “Hey, let’s go get Chinese food.”OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo wop!

Whoa! Ah! Ah!

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Gotta play the role!I just need a quick breather, just need a quick break,But there’s no way that’s happening with so much at stake!And there’s no way to get out of paying for your mistake!

ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) It’s looking unavoidable.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) What else can you do?ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Life is unpredictable!CREW: (Sings.) Ah!MARY: (Sings.) But with the future that just happens

To be a planet rushing in on you. A…ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the best that you can do. (Speaks.) Switch

the polarity and give me full reverse on those engines!(Sings.) Never thought,Never tried,Never been the one in charge!Never be,Never me,And that planet’s looking large!And you can’t help but notice all eyes are on you.And they’re watching and waiting—if they only knew!And they’re all counting on someone to somehow get them through!

ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Yeah, things are looking pretty tough.ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) What else can you do?ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) You’re not sure if you’re good enough.CREW: (Sings.) Ah!MARY: (Sings.) But this might not be the best time

To examine all your doubt. A…ALL: (Sing.) Crash landing!MARY: (Sings.) Might be the only way left out!

How do you take control when everything goes to extremes?It’s not only the ship that’s crashing, but your life and hopes and dreams! (CREW sings “Ahs” under.)

GOON TWO: (Sings.) Have to dress the same.No one knows your name.Being a goon.

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Being a goon!GOON TWO: (Sings.) Could’ve been a decorator,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo bee doo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Made someone’s house look great.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo wop wop wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Could’ve been an accountant,

Shoo bee doo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Add the one and carry the eight!OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo wop wop wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Could’ve been a music teacher,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo bee doo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Helping kids make pretty sound,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo bee doo wop.

Shoo bee doo wop shoo wop.GOON TWO: (Sings.)

But I guess an evil genius needs his goons around!GOON FIVE: (Speaks in a super-low, 1950s doo-wop bass voice.)

Baby, I know I’m a goon.I wear this mask and do goony things,But I still love you, and I always will!

GOON TWO: (Sings.) It’s not very fun…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) To be seen with the bad guy,OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.GOON TWO: (Sings.) You feel like a fool…OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Ah!GOON TWO: (Sings.) When he’s yelling at you.

Have to do what you’re told.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

Shoo doop, shoo bee doo.

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GOON FOUR: (Runs ON and hands CHAOS a box of Galaxy Flakes. Wheezes as he crosses the stage.) Four… (EXITS the other side.)

CHAOS: And nothing hits the spot like a big bowl of Galaxy Flakes. Galaxy Flakes—the choice of evil villains everywhere! (Poses, showcasing the cereal box. Then, quickly tosses the box OFF and returns to the GOONS.) Kill them!

STARBLASTER: Mary, save yourselves! Run!MARY: What do we do?ROBERTS: You heard the man, we run! (ROBERTS, MARY, and GREE-

TAR run OFF. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP on Captain Starblaster’s ship, immediately following. JOHNS, MARTINS, JACOBS, and ROGERS are at their stations.ANNOUNCER: And run they did! The three slightly less than fearless

heroes hightail it back to the ship. (MARY, GREE-TAR, and ROBERTS run ON.)

MARY: Charge the engines and get us out of here!JOHNS: Where’s the captain?MARTINS: And where’s Bob?MARY: No time! We have to go! (ALL lurch as the ship breaks free.

MARY collapses into a chair, crying.)JACOBS: Mary, what happened? Where are the captain and Bob?MARY: Chaos has them. He’s got the Orb of Power, too.ROGERS: You left them behind?MARY: I had no choice! (Quieter, to herself.) Or did I?ROGERS: Well, we have to go back for them!MARY: We will, we will! Just let me figure out a plan.MARTINS: Oh, look at that pretty little planet! So cute there in the

distance. Actually, it’s not so small, really kind of a medium-sized planet… Now it’s even bigger. Hey, guys, is that planet supposed to be growing at an increasingly alarming rate?

JACOBS: It’s not getting bigger. We’re getting closer! We’re going to crash! (MUSIC CUE 5: “Crash Landing.”)

MARY: (Sings.) Gotta stop,Gotta think,Gotta take control!Gotta beSomeone else,

GOON TWO: (Sings.)Have to live in a secret base on some secret moon.

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Shoo doop, shoo bee doo wop.Whoa! Ah! Ah!

GOON TWO: (Sings.) Not very fun.I wish I was doneBeing a goon.

OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Being a goon.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Being a goon.OTHER GOONS: (Sing.) Being a goon.GOON TWO: (Sings.) Being a goon. (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP on the surface of the planet Glaxon III.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, Mary, having crash-landed the ship, now finds

herself on a strange alien world, a planet shrouded in mystery… (MARY, GREE-TAR, and the CREW creep ONSTAGE cautiously.)

MARTINS: Where… where are we?ROGERS: It’s the uncharted zone. This is Glaxon III, but nobody knows

anything about it. It’s a planet shrouded in mystery… (ALL look at him, angry, then give a start when they hear a STRANGE NOISE from OFF.)

JOHNS: What was that?ROGERS: I’m scared! I’ve never been on an alien planet before!ROBERTS: If the captain were here, he’d know what to do.MARTINS: If the captain were here, he’d go charging right ahead.ROBERTS: At least he’d be doing something!JACOBS: If the captain were here—MARY: The captain’s not here! We’re all alone. We left him behind. I

left him behind.JOHNS: Aw, Mary, you can’t blame yourself.MARTINS: It wasn’t your fault.MARY: That’s enough. We all just need to take a deep breath and

figure out where we are and how to get off of this rock. And hope we see the captain again. (Suddenly YELLS are heard OFFSTAGE.)

JOHNS: That’s it. We’re dead!

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STARBLASTER: Colonel Chaos! My old nemesis! I knew you had to be behind this plan. No one else could be as evil and underhanded.

CHAOS: Evil and underhanded? Using a tractor beam to trap your ship, that’s evil and underhanded? Maybe if I had fed you all to the Torillian Ants, that would be evil and underhanded, but this…?

STARBLASTER: Well, I, uh, just knew it was you!CHAOS: And I’m the only villain with a secret moon base. Galaxia

has that downtown office, and Zaltar and the Space Pirates are working from home, now. So of course it was me!

STARBLASTER: That’s what I was saying—GOON FOUR: (Runs ON and wheezes as he crosses the stage.) Three…

(EXITS the other side.)CHAOS: Enough with the talking. (To GOONS.) Get them! Zap them

with the Zap-o-Matic! (GOONS point the weapon. STARBLASTER and his CREW take cover. In the action, GREE-TAR loses track of Bob, and the GOONS stash the stuffed monkey out of sight.)

STARBLASTER: Roberts!ROBERTS: I know, I know. Time for me to try to get that tractor-thing

disabled and get shot in the process.STARBLASTER: Precisely!ROBERTS: (Gets up to make a move and is immediately Zap-o-Maticked

within an inch of his life. In pain.) I tried!CHAOS: Enough with the shooting! Starblaster! Give us the Orb of

Power, and we might let your little friends go!STARBLASTER: Never!CHAOS: All right, then, you leave me no choice! (To GOONS.) Bring

out the prisoner! (GOONS reveal their prisoner. It’s Bob, the stuffed monkey.)

MARY: Captain, no! They’ve got Bob! (GREE-TAR is visibly upset.)CHAOS: You really should keep better track of your crew, Starblaster.STARBLASTER: Don’t worry, Mary. I’ll get him free. Colonel Chaos,

prepare to get served! (Jumps up, and the LIGHTS BLACKOUT. There is the sound of a scuffle. LIGHTS UP to reveal STARBLASTER and Bob in chains side-by-side, with CHAOS holding the Orb of Power.) Well, that didn’t go so well.

CHAOS: We have the orb! Finish them! Finish them! Again with the shooting! (GOONS begin shooting again. GOONS continue to fight UPSTAGE with MARY, ROBERTS, and GREE-TAR as CHAOS makes his way DOWN CENTER. To the AUDIENCE.) You know, folks, when I am carrying out an evil plan to capture the defender of the galaxy, I can get hungry.

MARY: We’re not dead! (GLAXONIANS ENTER, yelling and waving strange-looking spears. They surround the CREW and hold them at spear point.)

JOHNS: Told you we were dead.MARY: (Steps forward.) Um, hey… uh, hey there. How ya doing today?

Great place you got here, ya know? I’ve been thinking about getting myself a summer home here on, uh… (Looks to ROBERT for help.)

ROBERTS: Glaxon III!MARY: Glaxon III. Oh, and the weather here—! (She is cut off by

spear waving.)GLAXON QUEEN: Who… are… you?!MARY: Us? We’re just kind of, uh, passing by, you know… well, crashing

by, really, but it wasn’t our fault, you see, Captain Starblaster— Have you heard of him? Well, that’s okay. Maybe it’s better if you haven’t. Anyway, there was this Orb of Power, and then Colonel Chaos, he had this evil plan, and…

GLAXON QUEEN: Do… you… dance?MARY: Dance?GLAXONIANS: Dance!MARY: Uh, sure. We like to dance. Do you?GLAXON QUEEN: Do we dance? Do we dance? (MUSIC CUE 8: “We

Dance.” Speaks in rhythm.) From our earliest recollection,Glaxonians have had affectionFor the thing that caused our culture to advance.I’m not speaking here of fireOr the skills that we acquire, no!I am speaking now, of course, about… our… dance!(Sings.) If you want the hokey pokey,We will tell you okey dokey.We can tango if you want to find romance.Two-step, mambo, bunny hop,Once we start, we never stop!So the answer to your question is, we dance!We can tap, and we can swing,We can do most anything,And we’ll do it all without a second glance.Running man and boogaloo,Disco, modern, we’re not through!As you clearly see, we kind of like to dance!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!

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ROBERTS: (Speaks.) Attacks, snails, sandwiches?(Sings.) This isn’t what I signed up for!So run along. I’m sure you’ll feel fulfilled.And my mother always told meTo say no to adventures,At least the kind that tend to get you killed!I guess you’re either crazy, or you’re wrong,But since there’s nothing better to do, I’ll come along!

STARBLASTER: (Shouts.) Hooray!ALL: (Sing.) So we’re off to heed adventure’s call.

We’ll storm that moon base once and for all!Going to look that future square in the eye.There are things to make you stop and stare,

MARTINS: (Speaks.) Even aliens with funny hair!ALL: (Sing.) Going to do it all and try not to die.

When you hear your heart telling you what to do, (The following lyrics are split into two groups.) An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you!An adventure calls to you! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base.ANNOUNCER: Thus, Captain Starblaster, Mary, Gree-Tar, Bob, and a

very reluctant Crewmember Roberts find themselves inside the secret moon base, with no idea of what is to come.

STARBLASTER: (ENTERS, followed IN by MARY, ROBERTS, and GREE-TAR, who carries Bob, the stuffed monkey. STARBLASTER carries the Orb of Power.) And we must stay quiet! Stealth is of the essence! (Proceeds to do a very poor job of running around and hiding.)

MARY: And it’s amazing how this secret moon base doesn’t resemble our ship at all! (CHAOS and the GOONS, except GOON FOUR and GOON SEVEN, ENTER. The GOONS are holding a large weapon-like object, clearly labeled “Zap-o-Matic.” [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])

CHAOS: Ah, Captain Starblaster! I was wondering when you were going to make your appearance!

GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)

We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!ALL: (Sing.) As you clearly see, we kind of like to dance!GLAXON QUEEN: (Sings.) We will always do the cha-cha

When you play “La Cucaracha!”And we cancan even when we’re not in France.We can waltz with great panacheOr break down and start to mosh!If you haven’t noticed yet, we like to dance!

ALL: (Sing.) Just when you think that it’s ovah’,We will start our bossa novaFor we like to strut and frolic, even prance!When we start our pop and locking,Folks join in or they start walking.So the thing that you should learn is that we dance!Here we break dance every day,Do the twist, YMCA,And we Cabbage Patch at each and every chance!We can jive or minuet,But you ain’t seen nothing yet,‘Cause we’ve still got more to go here as we dance!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)

We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.) We dance!GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)

We dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!ALL: (Sing.) As you clearly see, we kind of like to dance!GLAXON QUEEN: (Sings.) We do kick lines like a pro.

Where we learned, we’ll never know.And we kick so high, we almost split our pants!Though it’s really quite a pain-a,We can do the Macarena! (GLAXONS sing “Ahs” under the following.)

So just break out of your trance,Bring your mom or your friend Lance,Kick your heels up, let your hair down, now’s your chance!We dance!

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break away, you’re going to sneak onto the secret moon base and turn off the tractor beam so that we can escape?

STARBLASTER: (Defensive.) Among other things.JOHNS: Doesn’t this all seem a bit… familiar? Like we’ve seen this

all before?STARBLASTER: No matter! Mary, as my sidekick, I’ll need you by my

side, to… kick. And you’ll need Geeb-Tar, of course. And Geeb-Tar will need Blob! (GREE-TAR shakes head and does a face palm, and operates Bob the stuffed monkey to do the same.)

MARY: Gree-Tar. And Bob.STARBLASTER: Right. And we mustn’t let the Orb of Power be put into

danger. So I’ll take it with us! And we’ll need one more… Roberts! You’re with us!

ROBERTS: Oh, no.STARBLASTER: Roberts, come along.ROBERTS: I see where this is going. (Points to each of them in turn.)

Main character, main character, main character, main… (Indicates Bob.) …something or other. (Points to himself.) Then me. Random other crew member! Hello! One member of the mission has to be eaten by the alien, or killed by the bad guy, or sucked into the interspatial vortex just to show everyone how serious the situation is, and it’s sure as heck never one of you all! So you take along some random crewmember as the whipping boy of the plot!

STARBLASTER: But it would be… an adventure! (MUSIC CUE 4: “An Adventure.” Sings.) When your heart is racing fast as sound,And you know something’s happening, and it’s something profound,And you might just die, but you don’t give a hoot…You could find true love or get thrown jail.You could eat a sandwich or get eaten by a snail.But you’ll get the glory, and you’ll get the fame to boot.When you hear your heart telling you what to do,An adventure calls to you!

MARY: (Sings.) Taking on the dragons, one by one,Not determined to win but just to have fun.An adventure’s there, and it’s calling out your name.You’ll be okay if you’re with friends,And you’re going to be thanking me before this ends,And you’ll get the glory, and also get the fame.When you hear your heart telling you what to do,An adventure calls to you!

GLAXON GROUP ONE: (Sings.)Dance. We dance! We dance! We dance!

GLAXON GROUP TWO: (Sings.)Yes, we dance, we dance, we—Yes, we dance, we dance, we—Yes, we dance, we dance, we dance! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. GOONS sit around a table, playing cards. GOON SEVEN stands nearby. GOON FOUR is not ONSTAGE. Bob the stuffed monkey is nearby, still in chains.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, back at the secret moon base, our friendly

neighborhood goons are chilling… like villains, oddly enough.GOON SEVEN: (Begs.) Please?!GOON FIVE: Look, Seven, you probably shouldn’t even be here.GOON ONE: Got any fours?GOON TWO: Go fish.GOON SEVEN: But will you at least talk to him?GOON THREE: I’ll talk to him. But he really likes R here.GOON ONE: It’s probably his great complexion. (GOON SEVEN

storms OFF.)GOON SIX: It’s awfully quiet. It seems like we’re just waiting for—

(MARY, GREE-TAR, and the CREW jump ONSTAGE.)MARY: A surprise attack!GOON TWO: Ready for another beating, huh? Well, this is what

goons are best at! (As, they start to advance on the CREW, GOON FOUR ENTERS.)

GOON FOUR: Thirty-eight… (EXITS the other side of the stage.)MARY: Not so fast! (MUSIC CUE 8a: “The Fight—Instrumental.” MARY

blows a whistle, and the GLAXONIANS ENTER from the other side, surrounding the GOONS. A choreographed fight scene ensues, complete with “Pow” and “Biff” signs à la the original Batman TV series. Partway through the fight, MARY walks DOWN CENTER and addresses the AUDIENCE.) You know, folks, when I’m fighting goons to save the man I love, I sure can work up an appetite.

GOON FOUR: (Runs ON and hands MARY a box of Galaxy Flakes.) Thirty-nine… (EXITS opposite.)

MARY: But nothing quite satisfies like a big bowl of Galaxy Flakes! Galaxy Flakes—the choice of repressed sidekicks everywhere!

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ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP on Captain Starblaster’s ship. The CREW is at the controls, and MARY and GREE-TAR observe. GREE-TAR holds Bob, his stuffed monkey sidekick.ANNOUNCER: But Captain Starblaster and his fearless crew remain

clueless of the dangers they face, even while they fly right into Colonel Chaos’s trap…

STARBLASTER: (ENTERS, stretches.) Ah, just twenty minutes a day to a better body! How’s the mission going?

MARY: We almost have them free, Cap.JOHNS: (At the controls.) Just a little more… there! Captain, we’ve

freed the other ship.MARKUS: (APPEARS on the View-o-Screener.) You’ve done it! We’re

free! Captain Starblaster, you’ve really saved the day! Thank you so much!

STARBLASTER: Ah… it was nothing.MARKUS: Safe journey, Captain.STARBLASTER: And also, the same, of similar thing, to you…

journey… er, Captain. (View-o-Screener FADES OUT.) Well, that’s done. Continue to Earth!

MARY: Captain Starblaster?STARBLASTER: Yes, Mary.MARY: Can I speak to you? Alone?ROBERTS: Captain, there’s a problem. We’re being pulled in the

wrong direction!STARBLASTER: What’s that?JACOBS: We’re caught in some kind of tractor beam, Captain. We’re

being pulled toward that secret moon base.STARBLASTER: If it’s secret, how do we know about it?ROBERTS: We’re there.STARBLASTER: This calls for only one thing.MARTINS: Captain, I think if we charge the engines to full for one big

blast, we could easily escape.STARBLASTER: No! We must storm the secret moon base!MARTINS: Oh, boy.STARBLASTER: And while we’re there, we’ll turn off that pesky

tractor beam!JOHNS: So, wait. We’re caught in a tractor beam and pulled into a

secret moon base, but instead of just using our engine power to

(Poses with the box, then tosses it OFFSTAGE to return to the fight. Eventually, all of the GOONS are subdued and lie helpless. MARY points to where Bob is in chains.) Get him free! (GREE-TAR frees Bob and brings him to MARY, who strokes him.) Awww, are you okay? Bob, speak to me! (To the GOONS.) What did you do to him?

GOON SIX: Um, I’m just throwing this out there… but you are aware that he’s a stuffed monkey, right? Not an actual person.

MARY: Shut your mouth! Now, where’s Captain Starblaster? (No response. Demands.) Where is he?!

GOON THREE: I thought you said to shut our mouths!MARY: (Gets frustrated.) Ooh, just tell me what you’ve done with

the captain.GOON FIVE: He’s not here!MARY: Don’t lie to me! I got him into this mess, and I intend to get

him out!GOON TWO: No, seriously, he’s been taken to… the floating palace of

Lady D’Monica! (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP on the floating palace of Lady D’Monica. D’MONICA sits in her throne, surrounded by her ROYAL GUARDS. She admires a large crystal, the Hypno-Crystal.ANNOUNCER: That’s right, folks, the floating palace of Lady

D’Monica! Where even now, the villainess awaits the arrival of her latest capture.

ROYAL GUARD: Colonel Chaos has arrived, my lady.D’MONICA: Send him in. (ROYAL GUARDS EXIT.)CHAOS: (ENTERS with the Orb of Power and GOON R leading

STARBLASTER. ROYAL GUARDS follow him ON.) My lady! My liege! My eminence! My wonderful, astounding, beautiful leader!

D’MONICA: Yes, yes, get on with it.CHAOS: My supreme ruler! My superlative guide! Sovereign of

Significance! Momentous Monarch! Head of all things Chaos! General boss of basically everything pertaining to—

D’MONICA: Enough! (Eyes STARBLASTER.) I see you have brought me something.

CHAOS: (Thinks she means the Orb of Power.) Oh, yes, great one! I have brought you the Orb of Power! (Hands it to her.)

D’MONICA: What’s that? Oh, yes, very well done. You may go.

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CHAOS: (Speaks.)And what would all of the screaming residents of Japan doWithout Godzilla there?(Sings.) And so you see, an evil planIs essential for me and you!It’s not a question of good or bad.It’s just what we do!It’s in the dreams of ev’ry childAnd in the heart of ev’ry manTo somehow, someday, come what may,Have their very own evil plan!

GOONS: (Sing.) Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have an evil plan! (The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have an evil plan!Ah! Ah!

CHAOS: (Sings.) You’ve got to have an evil planTo let you know just what to do.The more complex and intricate,The better it is for you. (The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

GOONS: (Sing.) Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have a—Oh, you’ve got to have an evil plan!Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

CHAOS: (Sings.) It’s in the dreams of ev’ry childAnd in the heart of ev’ry manTo somehow, someday, come what may,Have their very own special, super-fantastic,Wonderful, marvelous evil plan! (MUSIC becomes a rousing gospel vamp. GOONS sing “Oh, you’ve got to have a—” over and over, while VARIOUS GOONS and CHAOS sing ad-lib. Finally, MUSIC OUT as COLONEL CHAOS shouts.) Enough with the gospel! (DIRECT SEGUE MUSIC CUE 3a: “Evil Plan-Tag.” Sings.)You’ve got to have an evil plan. (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

CHAOS: Shall we kill the infuriating hero?D’MONICA: What? Kill him? No, of course not! Leave him with me.CHAOS: Ah, you will torture him for information.D’MONICA: Something like that.CHAOS: Well, is there anything else I can do for you? (Flirtatious.)

Anything? Anything at all?D’MONICA: No, leave us alone.CHAOS: There’s nothing you need? Nothing, really?D’MONICA: Go!CHAOS: (To GOON R.) Come on. We’ll get you that ice cream cone I

promised you. (GOON R smiles, and they EXIT.)D’MONICA: (To the ROYAL GUARDS.) Leave us! (Hands the Orb of

Power to one of the ROYAL GUARDS. ROYAL GUARDS EXIT. During STARBLASTER’S speech, D’MONICA arises from her throne with the Hypno-Crystal.)

STARBLASTER: Well, Lady D’Monica, I thought you had more sense than that old badger. He never got me to talk, and neither will you! I won’t tell you the secret of the Orb of Power! You won’t even get my mother’s maiden name! So do your worst! Attack me with Volnarian slugs! Put Greblian salt in my eyes! Throw me in a vat of acid eels from Too-Mar! Leave me in— (She zaps him with the Hypno-Crystal mid-sentence. SOUND EFFECT: PULSE. STARBLASTER is stunned and stops ranting.) Duuuuhhhhhhhh… (FREEZES, now under D’MONICA’S control.)

D’MONICA: Ah, my dear, dear Captain Starblaster. With my new Hypno-Crystal, I have no need to torture you at all. A few hours of this, and you’d tell me your deepest, darkest secrets without even thinking. But you thought it was the Orb of Power I was after. No, Captain Starblaster. It was you… (MUSIC CUE 9: “You Will Be Mine.” Sings.)I’ve always been the one who’s always run the show.Manipulation is an art. Believe me, I should know.But with each passing year, I know that I beginTo feel a growing need, a need I feel within.I need someone to rule with, someone by my side.Someone who’s powerful, in whom I can confide.But as you know these days, good help is very hard to find.You will be mine!I finally realized that with my heart of stone,I’d need a hero, and I’d need him for my own.And so that brings us to the here and now and you,

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strictly? Couldn’t we kind of make it up as we go, or do a little evil improv? Does there always have to be an evil plan? (Other GOONS look horrified.)

GOON TWO: There’s always an evil plan!GOON SIX: We have evil plans for doing laundry…GOON ONE: Or making waffles…CHAOS: Or everything! (MUSIC CUE 3: “Evil Plan.” Sings.)

You’ve got to have an evil planTo let you know just what to do.The more complex and intricate,The better it is for you!We know the odds aren’t with us now,So we’ll have fun while we can.We work and toil and sweat all day,Because of our evil plan.You’ve got to have an evil plan.

VARIOUS GOONS: ([NOTE: These lines can be assigned as solos or sung all together.] Sing.) It’s the reason we exist!What good is there in being good?I love being an antagonist!We know we’ll never be popular.And we never get the girl!

CHAOS: (Sings.) But that’s not going to stop us, friends,From trying to take over the world!There’s no Batman without the Joker.Have you ever thought of that?And where would Inspector Gadget beWithout Dr. Claw and his cat?

VARIOUS GOONS: ([Again, distributed to various GOONS as desired.] Speak.) Without the Wicked Witch of the West,Dorothy would still be in bed!And how would Superman spend his daysIf Lex Luthor was dead?(Sing.) Even Frodo and his hobbit friendsNeeded Sauron.And Luke Skywalker would be awful boredIf Darth Vader was gone.Without a Dr. No,James Bond wouldn’t even care.

And all the underhanded things that I will do.I’ll use my power to take over ev’ry thought.There’s no use trying to resist. You’re surely caught!That helplessness that you now feel is part of my design.You will be mine!Why bother with the mess of being married?Why trouble with the fuss of being wed?Why date around and try to find Mr. Right?Why marry a man when you can simply hypnotize him instead?Your mind will be like putty. Thoughts will be like clay.You’ll hang on every single word that I might say.You’ll live to love me, and you’ll live to humbly serve.You’ll finally treat me in a way that I deserve!Your mind is Disneyland, and I’ve the only pass.Your mind is fine French wine, and I’ve the only glass.My evil and your good combined,There’s no escaping from this bind!Your eyes will see, but you’ll be blind!You will be mine! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Four

ACT TWOScene Five

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. The GOONS, except FOUR, are still surrounded by the GLAXONIANS and CREW.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, back at the secret moon base, our heroes

find themselves facing a thorny problem.ROBERTS: What do we do now?MARTINS: We can’t just give up!JOHNS: But the floating palace of Lady D’Monica! You guys are crazy

if you think we can get in there!ROBERTS: But what about the Orb of Power?ROGERS: What about Captain Starblaster?JACOBS: (Referring to the GOONS.) What about them?ROBERTS: We could just tie them up and leave them.JOHNS: We could lock them in a closet.GLAXON QUEEN: We could eat them.MARTINS: (Excited.) We could dress them up in little red capes

with green hats and make them fight each other with spaghetti whips! (EVERYONE gives him a weird look.) Hey, we’re just brainstorming here!

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Captain Starblaster, was in this region of space, I knew he had to be stopped!

GOON THREE: Stopped from what?CHAOS: Just wait. Let me finish, okay? Save your questions ’til

the end. So, when I learned Captain Starblaster was coming, I disabled a small trading vessel as bait for him. That goody-two-shoes can’t resist helping some defenseless stranger in the middle of nowhere.

GOON SEVEN: (ENTERS.) Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late. My alarm didn’t go off, and then my key didn’t work.

CHAOS: (Aside.) Ooh, this is awkward. (To GOON SEVEN.) Seven, hey! Did you, uh, not get my email?

GOON SEVEN: Email? No.CHAOS: And the message I left on your machine, you didn’t get that

either, huh? Ah, well, I’m sorry it has to come out like this, but we’ve decided to go in a different direction.

GOON SEVEN: Wait, what do you mean?CHAOS: Um, you’re fired.GOON SEVEN: Fired! But what about my job?CHAOS: We have R to do that now. (GOON R waves.)GOON SEVEN: Are you serious?CHAOS: I’m afraid so, Seven, but you’re a great guy, really, and I’m

sure that you’ll land on your feet, so—GOON SEVEN: I can’t believe this! (EXITS, angry.)CHAOS: Have a nice day! (Turns to the other GOONS.) Now, where was

I? (Ad-lib, GOONS all try to help him remember different things he was saying.) Enough with the remembering! We have disabled a small trading vessel as bait for Captain Starblaster! When that troublesome do-gooder tries to help, we shall use our tractor beam to pull him into our secret moon base and capture him once and for all! (GOONS celebrate.) Enough with the happiness! I’m not finished! We have discovered that Captain Starblaster is taking something very special to the President of Earth—the Orb of Power! (GOONS gasp, ooh, and ahhh.) Yes, and we have been commanded to take it and deliver it and Starblaster to the wonderful, amazing, beautiful… Lady D’Monica. (Says this last bit lovingly and stares off into space for a bit, then snaps out of it.) Now, now you can ask questions, okay?

GOON R: (Raises his hand.) Um, just one, really, and I know I’m new here, and everything, but does it all have to be laid out so

MARY: No, no, there will be no tying or eating or spaghetti gladiators. We came here to rescue the captain, and that’s what we’re going to do. But how?

GOON TWO: If I may be permitted, to, uh, speak?GLAXON QUEEN: I’ll eat this one first. (MARY gives the QUEEN a look,

and she backs away.)GOON TWO: (Nervous.) Well, uh, you see, we’ve been talking, and um,

Colonel Chaos isn’t that great to us, you know? I mean, we work these long hours, and the pay’s not that great, and we have to bring our own masks, and there’s no dental, and… well, anyway, we thought that maybe we could team up with you guys?

MARY: Team up? With us?GOON TWO: Well, yeah, we know a lot about bad guys, having been,

uh, former bad guys ourselves, so maybe we could be a big help in getting Captain What’s-his-name back. (MUSIC CUE 10: “The Same Side.”)

MARY: (Speaks.) Starblaster.GOON TWO: (Speaks.) Yeah, him.MARY: (Sings.) Me and you?

That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard!It’s simply inconceivable and far too absurd!We’re in a mess here, as you can guess here.It’s complicated.Don’t be mistaken, we won’t be takin’You for a ride.There’s simply no way that we could be on the same side.There’s simply no way we could be on the same side.

GOON TWO: (Sings.) You guys and us!So why make all the fuss?We know useful stuff.That might be enough.We’re trying—not lying—To be someone.We could be, we would be lots of fun!We could be on the same side.We could be on the—On the same side!

MARY: (Sings.) But then again, there are things in lifeThat you don’t think should go together, but they do.

GOON TWO: (Sings.) Like peanut butter and chocolate,That could be me and you!

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into it. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) All goons report to the main deck of the secret moon base! All goons report to the main deck of the secret moon base! (GOONS, except GOON SEVEN, scramble IN from all sides to form a line, each saluting in turn.)

GOON ONE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON TWO: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON THREE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON FOUR: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON FIVE: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON SIX: Colonel Chaos, sir!GOON R: What’s your name again? I want to say, “Alan.”CHAOS: Ah, yes, R. Dear, sweet R. Goons, I want you to meet our

newest member, Goon R. (GOONS looks nervously at the new GOON.) Go on, say hello. (GOONS start introducing themselves, welcoming him, etc.) Enough with the helloing! R, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself.

GOON R: (Nervous, like the first day at school.) Um, well, okay. Um, hi, everybody, uh, my name is R… but I guess you already know that. Um, I’m a first-time goon. When I was little, I always thought I’d be a chef, but then in high school I started to get into being a henchman, but I was never sure what I wanted to do with it, exactly… Um, but now I’m really excited to be here and be a goon! Oh, and I like solving Sudoku!

CHAOS: Yes, very nice.GOON FOUR: Um, Colonel Chaos, sir?CHAOS: Yes, Four?GOON FOUR: Um, what happened to Seven?CHAOS: He is no longer with the team! (GOON FOUR reacts nervously.)

Why? Is there a problem?GOON FOUR: No, sir!CHAOS: No problem? (GOON FOUR shakes his head.) No? Are you

sure? Because it looks like you have a problem. No? No? Not even a little one? A little itty-bitty problem? So just to clarify, there is no problem. (Suddenly angry. Yells.) I think there is a problem, and I don’t like problems or people who have them! Give me fifty laps around the secret moon base! Go! (GOON FOUR starts running.) Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I called you all here to explain what’s going on. As you all know, before an evil plan goes into effect, someone must explain it in slow and excruciating detail. So, when I heard that my arch-nemesis, the unbelievably infuriating

MARY: (Speaks.) I love chocolate!CREW: (Sings.) You? And me! GOONS: (Sing.) You guys and us!

It might work out, who knows? So why make all the fuss?We’ll simply have to try it andthen see how it goes. We know useful stuff.We wouldn’t choose you, That might be enough. but we can use you, We’re trying, not lyingSo that’s worth something. To be someone.We’re on a mission, we’ve got ambition, so try not We could be, we would be to hide.We’ll make it happen all Lots of fun! We could be together on the same side! on the same side!We’ll do it all together now! We could be on the,

ALL: (Sing.) On the same side! (GOON FOUR ENTERS, runs across and is stopped by the OTHERS to join in.)On the same side! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Five

ACT TWOScene Six

LIGHTS UP on the floating palace of Lady D’Monica. STARBLASTER is still bound and frozen in a hypnotic trance. The Orb of Power sits nearby.ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, back at the floating palace of Lady

D’Monica… things are basically where we left them last time.D’MONICA: (ENTERS.) And how’s my little Captain Starblaster doing?

My little chocolate sprinkle? My little banana sundae? My little cream puff?

STARBLASTER: (UNFREEZES just a bit.) Duhhhhh…D’MONICA: Yes, that’s right.CHAOS: (ENTERS with GOON R.) A very good afternoon to you, Lady

D’Monica! My master! My liege! My… well, you know the rest.D’MONICA: (Looks back at him, irritated.) Yes, what do you need?GOON R: Go on, ask her!CHAOS: Enough with the helping! (To D’MONICA.) I was wondering

if you would care to join me for a stroll along the gardens later this evening?

D’MONICA: Can’t you see I’m busy?

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How do you say?How do you take a best friendAnd make him something more?How do you turn life on its headFrom the way it was before?How do you get the guts upTo let go of all your fears?How do you say what you’ve wanted to sayEvery day for thirteen years,Through secret tears?How do you say?How do you just turn back the clock?Another chance to say, “It’s nice to meet you.”How do you stumble through the shock?But with years of status quoAnd with nowhere you can go,It’s too much to risk, too much that you don’t know!But how can I say it’s over?How could I say goodbye?I can’t just walk away from this,So at least I’m going to try!I’ll say what I’ve always wanted,The things that I want to hide,The secret that I’ve kept too long,And the words I have inside.Let go of pride.Let him decide.If I’m denied,At least I tried.How do you say? (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

LIGHTS UP on Colonel Chaos’s secret moon base. COLONEL CHAOS operates the equipment.ANNOUNCER: But all is not quite as it seems. Colonel Chaos, the

arch-nemesis of Captain Starblaster, waits in his secret moon base, hatching a plan that can only be described as… evil!

CHAOS: Yes, yes, yes! Everything is going exactly according to plan. My plan. My evil plan. (Pushes a button on his watch and speaks

CHAOS: Well, my good friend R here has volunteered to watch the prisoner for you so he doesn’t snap out of the trance into which you have so expertly put him.

D’MONICA: (Pulls out the Hypno-Crystal.) Snap out of the trance? Snap out of the trance? Poor, ignorant Colonel Chaos. My Hypno-Crystal is so advanced, so effective, it would take something truly significant and completely unexpected to break the dear Captain Starblaster from his trance. Something like… something like…

MARY: (From OFFSTAGE.) We’re coming for you, Captain Starblaster!STARBLASTER: (UNFREEZES.) Huh? Is that you, Mary?D’MONICA: Something like that!MARY: (ENTERS, flanked by GREE-TAR, the CREW, GLAXONIANS, and

GOONS. GREE-TAR has Bob.) Did somebody call for something truly significant and completely unexpected?

STARBLASTER: Mary! I can’t believe you came!MARY: You didn’t think we’d leave you behind, did you?GOON R: So, wait, whose side are we on now? Did I miss another

voicemail? Because my reception’s been really bad out here. (Checks phone.)

D’MONICA: So, you’ve come to rescue my sweet little butterscotch pie, have you? Well, no matter! Soon you can all be together… as my slaves! (MUSIC CUE 10a: “The Battle.” Starts zapping in all directions with the Hypno-Crystal.)

STARBLASTER: Quick, everybody, take cover! (ALL dive for cover as LADY D’MONICA keeps on zapping.) Mary, you’ve got to activate the Orb of Power!

MARY: Somebody’s going to have to get that Orb! (GREE-TAR sets Bob down and brings a fist to its chest.) Think you can do it, Gree-Tar? (GREE-TAR nods in agreement, then does some fancy gymnastic/ninja moves to get across the room and recover the Orb of Power before tossing it back to MARY.) Okay, now what?

STARBLASTER: Press the button on the side!MARY: Okay, now what?STARBLASTER: Okay, click on “Orb Activation Sequence,” and select

“Activate Orb of Power.” The go to “File” and “Start Sequence.”MARY: Okay, it’s asking if I agree to the terms and conditions…STARBLASTER: Yeah, just click yes to that.MARY: I don’t need to read all this?STARBLASTER: No!MARY: Okay, now it’s prompting me to install the “Ask” toolbar—

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JACOBS: Yes, sir.MARKUS: (APPEARS on the View-o-Screener.) This is Captain Markus

of the trading ship Star-Rocket IV. It appears we’ve wandered into a strange energy field, and now we’re stuck. We’d be much obliged for a tow out. (View-o-Screener FADES OUT.)

STARBLASTER: A ship in distress! Battle stations! Batten down the hatches! Full speed ahead! No holds barred!

JACOBS: And tow them out?STARBLASTER: Yes, yes, of course.ROBERTS: Well, we’re about half an hour from their position. I’ll lay in

a course now.STARBLASTER: Wonderful! Just enough time for me to hit the old

Bow-Flex Home Gym! Mary, Gray-Tar, you two are in charge until I get back. (GREE-TAR appears confused. “Who me?” Looks at Bob the stuffed monkey, confused.) And be sure you keep the Orb of Power in sight at all times. It’s very important.

MARY: Yes, sir. It’s Gree-Tar, sir. His name is Gree-Tar.STARBLASTER: Right. You and Gree-Tag are in charge. (EXITS. MARY

looks at GREE-TAR and sighs.)ROBERTS: (Looks at the Orb of Power.) What do you suppose it does?ROGERS: I’ve heard it’s a weapon that can destroy the galaxy!JOHNS: I’ve heard it’s a power source that can power the galaxy!MARTINS: I’ve heard it makes Galaxy Flakes.JACOBS: Whatever. So, Mary, are you finally going to go through with

it this time?ROGERS: Go through with what?ROBERTS: Mary is in love with the captain.ALL: Oooh!ROBERTS: So after we deliver the Orb to the President of Earth, are

you going to tell the captain how you feel?MARY: I don’t know, Roberts. I just, I just… (MUSIC CUE 2: “How Do

You Say?” Sings.) How do you say, “I love you”?How do you say, “You’re great”?How do you say, “You’re wonderful”When you’re thirteen years too late?How do you tell someone thank youFor all of the time you shared?Say the words you want to say,Let them know you’ve always caredWhen you’re so scared?

STARBLASTER: Don’t install the toolbar! Do not install the toolbar!MARY: It’s asking me if I want to register now or later.STARBLASTER: (Frustrated.) Just select “Later” and then click

on “Go.”MARY: I think it’s working! It’s working!STARBLASTER: Quickly, point the Orb at me and hold on tight! (LIGHTS

FLASH. EVERYBODY lurches LEFT and RIGHT then FREEZES, except for MARY and STARBLASTER.)

MARY: What happened?STARBLASTER: The Orb of Power can stop time. But we’ve got to

move quickly—the effect doesn’t last for long! Come untie me! Now let’s give these two a taste of their own medicine. I’ll get Chaos, and you tie up D’Monica! (Goes to tie up CHAOS.)

MARY: (Moves to do the same to D’MONICA, then turns back to STARBLASTER.) Captain, wait!

STARBLASTER: What is it?MARY: Well, it’s just… I love you, Captain Starblaster.STARBLASTER: Oh, Mary. I already know.MARY: You knew? Did Roberts tell you?STARBLASTER: No, no, nothing like that. Ever since that day in the

Squishy Squamps of Squagulon, I guess I’ve just known. And I love you, too.

MARY: Captain Starblaster!STARBLASTER: But there will be time for that later. Quickly, before the

Orb’s effect fades! (They grab some rope from OFFSTAGE and tie up CHAOS and D’MONICA just as ALL UNFREEZE.)

D’MONICA: Wha… what happened!MARY: What happened! We won! (ALL cheer, including GOON R.)GOON R: (Continues cheering after EVERYBODY stops.) We won, we

won, we…! (Stopped by the odd looks from the OTHERS.) What, you weren’t going to let me be on your team?

STARBLASTER: Of course you can be on our team. You all can!MARTINS: What about them? (Refers to the bound CHAOS

and D’MONICA.)STARBLASTER: I think we’ll put them into an escape pod and launch

them into space. That should give them time to… get acquainted. (EVERYONE gives him a strange look, and he answers in a loud whisper.) He likes her! (EVERYONE answers with “Oh, okay,” etc.)

ROBERTS: But what about us?

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You’ve been fortified!Galaxy Flakes, oh, Galaxy Flakes!Tastes so good to me!The sugar-coated part of this complete breakfast,We praise and raise a bowl to thee! (CREW MEMBERS raise the box of Galaxy Flakes and the bowl up in adoration and then quickly put them away.)

ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) But there’s more to the galaxy than just tasty breakfast cereal! Like these aliens! (GLAXONIANS ENTER.) Or these clearly numbered goons! (GOONS ENTER.) Or… this lady!

LADY D’MONICA: (ENTERS, sings.) I’m a very important characterWith important things to do.But you won’t even get to see meUntil we get to Act Two!

ALL: (Sing.) Act Two!Now we think that we should get on with the show!We know that you’re busy folks, got places you can go.We think that it will be fun, and we hope that you agree.So here we go, defenders of the galax—Start the show, defenders of the galax—Got your dough! Defenders of the galaxy! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

ACT ONEScene One

LIGHTS UP on Captain Starblaster’s ship. STARBLASTER oversees his CREW as they operate the controls. The Orb of Power is on one of the control panels. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.)MARY: Captain, we’re picking up a distress signal.STARBLASTER: A distress signal, you say?MARY: Um, yes. A distress signal I say.STARBLASTER: Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Jacobs, what do

you think?JACOBS: I think that we should put it on the View-o-Screener, Captain.STARBLASTER: No, no, far too easy. That’s what it wants us to do.ROBERTS: What do we do, sir?STARBLASTER: We need options!MARY: Uh, Captain Starblaster, it’s a distress signal.STARBLASTER: So they say. But what do we do with it?JACOBS: We could always put it on the View-o-Screener.STARBLASTER: Put it on the View-o-Screener! Brilliant, Jacobs,

Brilliant! Make it so!

STARBLASTER: Well, we continue onward! All of us, together, on a Trek Through the Stars… a Star Journey! No, no, a Star Voyage! No, no, Star Travel…

MARY: I don’t care what we call it.GOON R: Just as long as we’ve got enough Galaxy Flakes! (MUSIC CUE

10b: Defenders of the Galaxy—Reprise.”)ALL: (Sing.) Flying through the galaxy, all together now!

Flying through the galaxy and about to take a bow.If you didn’t like the show, well, at least now you’re free!So don’t be slow! Defenders of the galax—Time to go! Defenders of the galax—No more show! Defenders of the galaxy! (MUSIC OUT. CURTAIN.)

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THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN STARBLASTER

PROLOGUEAT RISE: ANNOUNCER is at the podium. Captain Starblaster’s CREW is ONSTAGE in TABLEAU. MUSIC CUE 1: “Defenders of the Galaxy.”ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) Ten thousand years in the future, the

galaxy stands in peril. Hostile aliens, sinister thugs, and strange forces seem to lurk at every turn. But one man stands between the galaxy and those who would do it harm. That man is… Captain Starblaster!

CREW: (Sings.) Flying through the galaxy at the speed of light!Flying through the galaxy and fighting for the right!If there’s trouble on some planet, you know where we will be.Yes, we’ll be there! Defenders of the galaxy!

ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) And here’s our hero now, Captain Starblaster!STARBLASTER: (ENTERS, sings.)

Flying through the galaxy with my fearless crew.Flying through the galaxy doing things that heroes do!

MARY: (Sings.) Leading with an iron will.ROBERTS: (Sings.) And a brain the size of a pea!CREW: (Sings.) It’s Captain Starblaster, defender of the galaxy!ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) Captain Starblaster is assisted by his

sidekick, Mary Smith. (She crosses to stand next to STARBLASTER.) And Mary’s sidekick is Gree-tar, the alien. (GREE-TAR, carrying Bob the stuffed monkey, crosses to stand next to MARY.) And Gree-tar’s sidekick is Bob! (GREE-TAR makes Bob wave to the AUDIENCE.) Like Captain Starblaster always says, you know you’re something special when your sidekick’s sidekick has a sidekick of their own! But there are those who would do the galaxy harm. That’s right. I’m talking about bad guys!

CHAOS: (ENTERS, sings.) Yes! It is I, Colonel Chaos here!And it’s clear you should all be feeling lots of fear!If you have a twisted mind, then you’ll be cheering me!I’m Colonel Chaos, the villain of the galaxy!

ANNOUNCER: (Speaks.) And now, a word from our sponsor, the choice of galactic defenders everywhere, Galaxy Flakes! (A CREWMEMBER pulls out a box of Galaxy Flakes. ANOTHER pulls out a bowl with a spoon.)

CREW: (Sings.) Galaxy Flakes, oh, Galaxy Flakes,Such love we have inside!With eight essential vitamins,

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

ACT ONEEntire Play: Projector screen, metallic podium, stool.Scene One: Spaceship control panels, Orb of Power.Scene Three: Spaceship control stations.Scene Five: Spaceship control stations.

ACT TWOScene One: Orb of Power, Bob the stuffed monkey (in chains).Scene Three: Table, playing cards, Bob the stuffed monkey (in chains).Scene Four: Throne.Scene Six: Throne, Orb of Power.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONPrologue:

Box of Galaxy Flakes, bowl, spoon (CREW)Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)

ACT ONEScene One:

Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Scene Three:

Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Scene Four:

Zap-o-Matic, chains (GOONS)Orb of Power (STARBLSATER)Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Box of Galaxy Flakes (GOON FOUR)

ACT TWOScene One:

Chains (STARBLASTER)Zap-o-Matic (GOONS)

Scene Two:Spears (GLAXONIANS)

Scene Three:Deck of cards (GOONS)Whistle (MARY)

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

MC1 Defenders of the Galaxy ....................EnsembleMC2 How Do You Say? ..............................MaryMC3 Evil Plan ...........................................Chaos, GoonsMC3a Evil Plan-Tag ......................................ChaosMC4 An Adventure ....................................Starblaster, Mary,

CrewMC5 Crash Landing ...................................Jacobs, CrewMC6 Perfectly Evil .....................................ChaosMC7 Being a Goon ....................................Goon Two, GoonsMC8 We Dance .........................................Glaxon Queen,

GlaxoniansMC8a The Fight ..........................................InstrumentalMC9 You Will Be Mine ...............................Lady D’MonicaMC10 The Same Side .................................Goon Two, Mary,

Crew, Goons, Glaxonians

MC10a The Battle .........................................InstrumentalMC10b Defenders of the Galaxy—Reprise ......Ensemble

“Pow” and “Biff” signs (CREW, GOONS, GLAXONIANS)Box of Galaxy Flakes (GOON FOUR)

Scene Four:Orb of Power (CHAOS)Hypno-Crystal (LADY D’MONICA)

Scene Five:Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)

Scene Six:Hypno-Crystal (LADY D’MONICA)Phone (GOON R)Bob the stuffed monkey (GREE-TAR)Rope (STARBLASTER, MARY)

PROP AND SET NOTESThe Orb of Power, the Zap-o-Matic, and the Hypno-Crystal all may be any sort of invention made to look space-age. The only requirements are that the orb be some sort of orb-shaped device and the Zap-o-Matic be about the size of a person since Chaos dances with it. A sound effect for each device adds to the fun.

The ANNOUNER’S stool and podium remain on the FORESTAGE throughout the entire production.

The View-O-Screener remains ONSTAGE throughout the production.

Have fun dressing up the sets as desired for the various locations. Keep in mind, however, that scene changes need to be very quick. A fast pace is critical to maintain the humor of a spoof and should not be sacrificed for a more detailed set design.

SOUND EFFECTSPulse.

COSTUMESCAPTAIN STARBLASTER wears a leather jacket and an old-fashioned

aviator’s hat.GREE-TAR wears an alien mask.COLONEL CHAOS wears a militaristic uniform and a watch that is a

communication device.LADY D’MONICA dresses in lots of red and black, with a long flowing

cape and a high collar.The CREW wears futuristic-looking uniforms with reflective material.GOONS wears ski masks and matching black costumes with large

identifying numbers on their chests.

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SETTINGTime: Ten thousand years in the future.

Place: Space.

Minimal sets are needed for the various locations. A large projector screen takes up the UP CENTER area. This is the View-o-Screener that is used to communicate among various space ships. Characters will appear here via a live video projection feed from OFFSTAGE. A stool and metallic podium for the Announcer is off to one side of the FORESTAGE.

Captain Starblaster’s ship needs various control stations on casters so they can be easily moved ON and OFF.

The secret moon base has no specific requirements, other than it should look different from Captain Starblaster’s ship.

Glaxon III maybe be a bare stage or dressed to look like the surface of a strange planet.

Lady D’Monica’s palace has a throne. Again, other set decoration is optional.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: Captain Starblaster’s ship.Scene Two: Captain Chaos’s secret moon base.Scene Three: Captain Starblaster’s ship.Scene Four: The secret moon base.Scene Five: Captain Starblaster’s ship.

ACT TWOScene One: The secret moon base.Scene Two: The planet Glaxon III.Scene Three: The secret moon base.Scene Four: The floating palace of Lady D’Monica.Scene Five: The secret moon base.Scene Six: The floating palace of Lady D’Monica.

GLAXONIANS wear an eclectic colorful mish-mash of clothing and feathered Mardi Gras masks, boas, or colorful goggles.

MISCELLANEOUSInstead of wearing a communication device on his wrist, CHAOS could speak into a handheld communication device. Alternatively, something could be incorporated into the set that could amplify his voice over the sound system.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGANNOUNCER, GOONS, GLAXONIANS, and CREW, including GREE-TAR, may be played as either gender.

For a smaller cast, lines may be combined to have fewer GOONS and/or CREW MEMBERS. GOON SEVEN and CAPTAIN MARKUS may double as CHORUS, or CAPTAIN MARKUS can be a pre-recorded video. Also, ANNOUNCER can be a pre-recorded voiceover.

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